Frustration
by jamesandlilypotter81
Summary: James Potter fell in love easily, now all he has to do is convince Lily Evans that he's worth a chance. But Lily's past makes trusting him difficult, and falling for him even harder.
1. The Bet

He could tell you when it started, all those strange feelings. He could pin it down to an exact minute. He could tell you the exact manner in which his stomach flopped, how his entire body seemed to freeze, and how hard his best friend began to laugh at him. However, he could not—for the life of him—tell you when he just _knew._ It was as if he shifted easily into that phase without ever realizing that he had.

She couldn't tell you when it started. The fact was, she denied anything having to do with him for so long, that she didn't even realize she was developing feelings for him. And yet, she remembered everything about the day that she realized the truth—the day that she _knew._ She remembered precisely where she was, she remembered the stench in the air, even the dampness on her cheeks.

For him, it had been easy.

For her, it had been difficult.

For them both, it began at the beginning of their fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sighing slightly, she put down her quill, finally too frustrated to continue working on McGonagall's essay. Rubbing her eyes angrily as she thought about the unfair amount of work their Transfiguration teacher had assigned in their first week back, she found herself staring out the window of the Gryffindor common room. The almost full moon made her heart drop to her stomach and shame cause her to blush deeply.

Poor Remus she thought to herself sadly.

As soon as she thought this, she immediately began searching the completely crowded common room for her brown-haired friend. Finally, she found him sitting in one of the nice armchairs in front of the fire. He was leaning his head back against the chair, and his eyes were closed, the bags beneath them far too apparent for someone his age. Quickly closing her books, she practically ran towards him, and stood staring at him earnestly, waiting for some sort of sign.

Remus opened his blue eyes, looked at her for a moment, and then chuckled slightly.

"You're looking at me like I'm some sort of abandoned puppy," he said, raising an eyebrow. She grinned at him cheekily.

"Maybe not a puppy, but something a bit similar," she said with a wink. Remus laughed at that and rolled his eyes.

"I don't know, Miss Evans, I don't think I want to talk to you right now, no matter how amusing you are," he said with mock severity. Lily smiled at him, knowing that he wasn't serious, but she felt the urge to apologize anyway.

"I completely forgot, Remus. I didn't know the full moon was so close to the beginning of term this year," she said, wanting him to understand that she hadn't meant to forget about their arrangement. There was a loud yell from the other side of the common room, but both prefects paid it no mind.

Lily had discovered Remus's secret at the end of their first year, and since then had helped him by taking his mind off his impending transformation with some sort of debate. It could range from their latest homework to the best dessert they had at Hogwarts. These talks, Remus said, made him slightly less nervous, and thus helped him during the full moon; he bit and scratched himself less. Lily didn't know if Remus was just saying that to make her feel better, or if it was actually true, but she honestly didn't care. She just wanted to help as much as she could.

"Lily," Remus began with a sigh, "you don't need to apologize. This isn't something I want you to think you're forced to do." Lily looked at Remus for a second, she looked at his premature wrinkles on his face, the sad look in his eyes, and she shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Remus," she said stubbornly. He just rolled his eyes and grinned at her, his head slightly cocked to one side.

"Do you really think I'm similar to a puppy?" he asked. Lily was about to answer, but before she could, three boys stumbled through the portrait hole.

The first boy was short and chubby, his eyes watering and his grin wide. He was laughing merrily at something the other two had said, his small eyes filled with mirth. Lily didn't know Peter Pettigrew well, but she did know that despite his appearance—someone who most would assume to be very lonely—he was very close friends with Remus.

The second boy, who was now rolling on the floor in laughter, had sleek black hair, gray eyes, and a handsome face that was constantly split with a wide smile. Sirius Black was tall and well built, and though he was intelligent, he chose to pretend otherwise, something that irked Lily to no end. He too was one of Remus's best friends.

The last boy was none other than James Potter, a boy that Lily knew far better than she liked. He had messy black hair, deep brown eyes, and he wore glasses that constantly slid down the bridge of his nose. As Lily narrowed her eyes at the three of them, Potter pushed his glasses back up, grinning at Sirius's antics.

"What happened?" Remus asked his three best friends in a serious tone that Lily knew would not last. She sighed, realizing she had no intention of learning what prank the three _Marauders,_ as they called themselves, had pulled.

"I'll go then, Remus. See you later?" Remus nodded and gave her a wide smile as she turned to walk away. Behind her, Sirius stopped laughing.

"Good night, Evans!" he yelled happily, and Lily waved her hand in response. She stuffed her things into her bag, and went up the stairs towards her dormitory, smiling as she heard Sirius begin to explain how they had managed to bewitch the Slytherin table's benches to throw off anyone who dared to sit on them.

As she changed for bed, she wondered if she should warn Severus tomorrow morning about the danger. Laughing slightly, she decided it would be better to let him figure it out on his own. Besides, he would never even suspect that she had known.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

He was having a horrid day, he thought angrily. McGonagall had taken off points for his late essay, Flitwick had assigned him extra homework since his Banishing Charm was far from satisfactory, and even Slughorn had said he needed to study more, or he wouldn't do well on his O.W.L.'s.

As if any teacher could accurately say how the rest of the year would turn out after the first week of school!

And, to top it all off, tonight was Moony's night—there would be no time for any of them to rest. He was worried about the danger he was putting himself and his three friends in tonight. He didn't know how Moony would react when his wolfish characteristics took over.

James swore as he walked towards the Great Hall, thinking that dinner couldn't come quickly enough. He was tired of school already, and it had only been a few days since it had started.

"You look happy," a voice said from his right. James scowled at Sirius's attempt to make him smile.

"What do Slughorn, Flitwick, and McGonagall have against me?" he asked, ignoring his friend's sly comment. Sirius pretended to think for a moment, then grinned.

"Between you and me, mate, they probably think you're lazy," he answered, slapping James on the back. Wincing slightly, James sighed.

"I'm not lazy, just preoccupied with other—more important—endeavors," he answered back haughtily. Sirius laughed uproariously as they sat down at the Gryffindor table.

"What more important endeavors? I hope you're not talking about eating and sleeping," Sirius said between a mouthful of potato. James helped himself to some chicken and nodded earnestly.

"It's an important profession, Padfoot. One day, I'll make millions of galleons just by taking naps," he commented offhandedly as he sank his teeth into the chicken. Suddenly, from several seats down, someone snorted—loudly and unattractively.

"You know what's sad? You're probably right, Potter," Lily Evans said with a grin. She had stood up and was looking at James with amusement. Surprisingly, rather than get angry at her—what nerve she had to poke fun at him!—he grinned back, ignoring the fluttering feeling in his stomach. He no longer was hungry, he thought to himself.

"I'll put in a good word for you, Evans. We could work together!" he said. Lily raised an eyebrow and shook her head.

"I already have plans for the future," she said with a sad smile, her bright green eyes suddenly less so. James, spoiled, selfish, and self-absorbed, looked at her and felt…_sad?_ He was feeling upset for her? He didn't know Lily Evans that well, other than the fact that she set much by the rules, she was a favorite of the teachers, and that it had originally been her idea for James, Sirius, and Peter to become animagus in order to keep Remus company on the full moons. Not that she knew that, of course. She had merely mentioned the idea to Remus in second year, and though she had shrugged it off, thinking she'd attempt it one day under the watchful eye of the Ministry, the three boys had attempted it—and succeeded.

"Really? Already?" James asked, surprised. Lily's eyes suddenly grew guarded and she shook her head, biting her lip slightly as if she had said too much.

"Oh, I think Mary's calling. See you around, Potter," she said quickly, Mary being nowhere in sight. James' stomach seemed to flip as she ran off, and he couldn't help but watch her until she was completely out of sight. Suddenly, he felt himself being prodded by Sirius.

"It's a shame you have to like her of all people," he said, laughing as he did so. James frowned in confusion, waiting for the rest of the comment. "Because she's the one person who will never go out with you."

"And why's that?" James asked angrily. All girls wanted to date him; that was just plain fact.

"Because she doesn't go for guys like you, mate," Sirius said, still laughing, though by this point James found nothing about the situation humorous. His grip on his fork tightened and he looked at Sirius determinedly.

"I _will _get Lily Evans to go out with me," he said. Sirius frowned and rolled his eyes.

"Bet?" he asked.

"Twenty galleons," James answered, and the two boys shook hands.

"I want in!" Peter squeaked as he sat down next to Sirius. James grinned at Peter and shook his head.

"You want to pay me twenty galleons as well, Wormtail?" he asked. Peter's eyes widened and he shook his head frantically.

"Don't lie to the boy, Prongs. You see, Wormtail," Sirius said, turning to Peter, "James here wants to ask Evans out. He thinks she'll say yes, after all, all girls want to date Mr. Potter. I think she'll say no." Peter looked from James to Sirius then turned to his food, refusing to say a word.

"You agree with Sirius, don't you?" James said in a flat tone, looking at Peter with narrowed eyes. Peter shoved some green beans in his mouth to save himself from answering, yet it was obvious what he thought. "I don't get it. Why do you two think she'll say no?" James finally asked, after watching his friends eat in silence for several minutes. Surprisingly, Peter answered.

"Well, I guess you don't know Evans very well, but it's just who she is," he said uncomfortably. James frowned slightly.

"What?"

"She's Lily _Evans_, James. _Lily_ Evans. Trust me, that girl wants nothing to do with the likes of you," Sirius said quite seriously. James's body suddenly froze as he realized something. It actually bothered him that she wouldn't say yes. Not wanting to show such weakness in front of his friends, James rolled his eyes.

"You'll see, Sirius. She'll say yes. But for now, we need to get to Moony," he said, standing up. Peter stared at his treacle tart sadly as Sirius also got up to leave. Chuckling, James put a hand on Peter's shoulder.

"We can stop by the kitchens later, if you want," he said as Sirius snorted.

"He always wants to go to the kitchens," he laughed. Peter stuck his chin in the air in a mock-offended manner.

"I'm a growing boy—I need the nourishment," he said. At that, James and Sirius laughed loudly, and Peter blushed at such an approving response from his two closest friends. They left the Great Hall and headed towards their dormitory, knowing that in about an hour, they would be faced with a fully-fledged werewolf. Oddly, the thought didn't scare them at all, even though it would be the first time.

As James threw the Invisibility Cloak on the three of them, snuck down to the grounds, and went through the passage at the base of the Whomping Willow to meet a werewolf, only one thought went through his head: Lily Evan's green eyes and how they seemed to grow sad about her future.


	2. The Marauder's Map

**First off, I'd like to thank all of those who reviewed! I used to think authors who kept asking for reviews were kind of silly, but now I understand the appeal—it's very addictive!**

**Also, I kinda forgot my disclaimer for the last chapter, but I'll do that now:**

**I own absolutely nothing. Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling. **

**Now, on to the story! Please review!**

Chapter 2- The Marauder's Map

"I see your bump has gone away," Lily said teasingly to Severus who was standing stonily behind her, his arms crossed across his chest and his eyes on the wall behind her. As they had waited for Professor Slughorn to arrive and start their first lesson, Severus had walked over to her, not saying a word, and stared at the same spot for five minutes. Even through his dark greasy hair, the bump he had gotten when he shot five feet into the air and landed straight on his head, was still perfectly visible, something that Lily was refusing to admit to him.

"Why didn't you tell me about the prank, Lily?" he finally asked. She paused for only a split second before grinning widely and innocently.

"I didn't know about it, Sev. I'm sorry," she said softly, but Severus just snorted loudly.

"Liar," he muttered, "I heard you and that _girl_ discussing how Black should be more discreet with his pranks—that all of Gryffindor knew about the prank the night before." Lily's eyes narrowed slightly. Despite the fact she should have been feeling sheepish about how easily Severus had found her out, she just felt angry.

"First of all, that _girl_ has a name. And second of all, how dare you eavesdrop on my conversations with my friends?" as she hissed angrily. Severus, once sweet, caring, and worried about her well-being, had recently taken a turn for the worse. He had thought she hadn't noticed his tendency to spend time with the likes of Avery and Mulciber, he thought that she hadn't seen him treat muggleborns with disgust.

He was wrong.

Though he had not behaved in that manner if she was anywhere in sight, it was something that she found worrisome. But Lily was determined to keep Severus away from something she knew he did not belong to. She _would_ prevent him from joining the Death Eaters. She just wished she knew how.

Severus finally turned to look at her, his black eyes cold.

"None of that changes the fact that you let your best friend get embarrassed in front of the whole school! All because of one of James Potter's stupid pranks!" he cried. Lily's narrowed eyes suddenly widened in surprise.

"What does Potter have to do with this? I'm talking about how you consistently fail to show respect for my friends! Mary has a name!" Lily yelled back angrily.

"Respect? What do you know of respect?" Severus sneered, and he pushed past her and Slughorn, entering the now-open classroom. Lily stood with frozen for a moment, staring at the same spot at the wall that Severus had been looking at earlier. The conversation had not ended in the manner she expected it to.

"You know, Snivellus is a right git. If I were you, I'd just ditch him," someone said from behind her. Lily turned slightly to see James standing there, his hands in his pockets, his school robes already looking like they had been thrown on the floor and stepped on despite the fact they had been clean at breakfast. He had a deep cut on his cheek, and as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, he fingered it tenderly. Instead of answering, Lily frowned slightly, and shook her head.

She smiled slightly at Slughorn, sat down, and began copying the notes off the board, not really paying attention to what she was writing.

_Of all magical plants, silvermoss has the fewest number of practical uses in potion making. This comes from the poisonous properties that…_

Severus had never treated her in that manner, especially now when the fault had not been hers. Besides, it had been in good fun that she hadn't told him; it wasn't as if there were more than a handful of people in the Great Hall when he got hurt anyway…

…_are found in the stems of this plant, which, despite its name, is not moss. Silvermoss' unique silver color also adds unfavorable results in most potions as it counteracts with the effects of the particular potion. It is only in healing potions that silvermoss has…_

She couldn't understand what that had to do with respect. After all, he was the one who refused to acknowledge her friends. How dare he accuse her of not understanding respect? She added yet another tally to all of Severus's recent misbehaviors. Why was he being so…

…_the most effect. Silvermoss is very beneficial to physical wounds and pain. It is the only plant that can aid in the healing of werewolf claws, a cursed wound. _

"Lily! I'm sure you can tell the class the pros and cons of using silvermoss in potions, yes?" Slughorn said, chuckling slightly, one hand on his rather large stomach. Lily smiled and nodded, but the entire time she spoke, it occurred to her that for once, Potter might have had a point.

"I hurt everywhere!" Sirius complained for the umpteenth time that afternoon. James looked at him in annoyance, tired of the constant stream of, 'Is is supposed to hurt this much?' from his best friend.

"If it hurts so much, don't come next time. I could deal with Moony on my own," James said as he used his index and middle finger to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose. It was an action Sirius insisted made him look like a responsible wizard who cared about school; James insisted he seemed like Dumbledore—wise and venerable. Sirius let out a loud laugh.

"Right, and I'm the Queen of England," he said, dodging the punch to the arm that James sent his way. "You know you and Peter can't handle a fully grown werewolf by yourself. He's too strong." James scowled, but knew that Sirius was right—there was no way he could handle Remus on his own, and that truth made him feel slightly upset. It was quite the blow to his pride.

"So Evans got into a fight with Snivellus," James said, changing the subject. Before Sirius could respond, the two boys were interrupted.

"Potter, Black, as interesting as your conversation about Miss Evans may be, I'd rather appreciate it if you refrained from gossiping until after class, understood?" James and Sirius looked at Professor McGonagall's stern face and nodded quickly. It wouldn't do to get on her bad side so early into the year.

A couple of seats to the front, Lily Evans was blushing a deep red, ignoring the looks her friends—their names escaped James—were sending her. Sirius was trying with difficulty to stem his laughter and McGonagall had a smug look on her face, which made James just scowl.

The night before had been taxing—so taxing that Peter still hadn't gotten out of bed, and Remus was resting in the hospital wing.

When they had entered the Shrieking Shack, Remus was still in human form, but it had been obvious he was in excruciating pain from the look on his face. As the tree of them changed into the Animagus forms—Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs—they watched as Remus entered his transformation. His body had lengthened, his face stretched forward and formed a snout, large claws appeared on his hands and feet—now very similar to paws—and Remus's normally bright blue eyes had turned yellow.

For several seconds, the werewolf stood there, panting heavily as it stared at the ground. Then, without warning or preamble, it pounced at the large stag in front of it. James, who had not quite understood what was happening, reacted too slowly, and he received a slash to his face before he was able to get out of the enraged werewolf's way.

Peter squeaked in fear, useless and powerless, but Sirius immediately rushed into the fray. The dog jumped at the werewolf and knocked the both of them to the floor, giving James the chance to shake off the pain and help Sirius pin Remus to the floor. A yellow gaze bore into James' brown, and after several seconds, recognition blossomed in the werewolf's eyes. Remus went slack, his head lolled slightly to the side, and he began to pant.

At that point, James and Sirius had thought it would be safe to let the werewolf go, but they had been quite wrong. The moment they released Remus, the overly energetic werewolf pounced again, and though it had been without the intent to hurt James and Sirius, Remus obviously had not known his own strength. They were knocked to the floor rather forcefully, and soon found that in order to keep control over the werewolf, they would need to keep it occupied.

Peter had served as its occupation.

Forcing Peter to run, they had managed to get Remus to use all of his pent up energy by chasing the rat as it desperately tried to stay away from the sharp claws. Sirius and James had tried to help by wrestling with the werewolf, but found rather quickly that it was less painful to just let Peter scurry as quickly as he could.

Overall, it had been a tiring night, and James was not in the mood.

He would have stayed in bed, but Peter's need was greater, and it would have been very suspicious for all four of them to miss class the day after a full moon. Their outings, it had been decided, were to be kept secret, so no one would ever even suspect that they ran around with a werewolf.

"Turn your textbooks to page 54, read the passage, and attempt to transfigure the wooden cup into a glass. This should be review, so I expect you all to succeed in your first attempt," McGonagall said, finishing her lecture. Without even touching his textbook, James and Sirius waved their wands in the swishy motion simultaneously, and turned their wooden cup into two identical glasses.

"Why did they get into a fight?" Sirius asked in a whisper, acting as if there had been no interruption at all in their conversation. James shrugged.

"I don't know. When I got there he had just told her that she 'knew nothing of respect' and then stalked off." To James' infinite surprise, Sirius, rather than shrug it off like James had thought he would, scowled and turned to look at Evans sympathetically.

"I told her," he said softly under his breath. James frowned and narrowed his eyes.

"What are you talking about?" he hissed, staring at his friend incredulously. Sirius suddenly blushed, and shook his head.

"Nothing, Prongs. Are you hungry? We should visit the kitchens and pick something up for Wormtail," he said hastily. James opened his mouth to force Sirius into talking, but at that moment McGonagall walked up to them, her lips pressed into a thin line.

"It's a shame you two boys are intelligent, otherwise I'd give you detention for talking consistently in my classroom," she said, and despite her cool tone, both boys could tell it was her way of congratulating them on a job well done. James grinned at her, and Sirius gave her a mock salute. As she walked away, they both distinctly heard her mutter, "Fifteen, yet they still act like they're eleven." At the comment, Sirius turned to James with an ill-concealed grin.

"I think we're growing on her," he said. James snorted.

"I think she can't wait till we leave," he answered back.

"Yes, but she has keen ears, no?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, she was able to hear you obsess over Evans, wasn't she?"

"I was not obsessing!"

"Then what do you call worrying over her argument with her friend?"

"Not obsessing!"

"Oh, so you like her then? Is that what you're saying Prongs?"

"You're the one who seemed to have 'told her' something! You're the one keeping secrets!"

"Secrets? 'Course I'm keeping secrets from you, mate, we aren't married, you know.

"Why would I want to be married to you? Your wonderful personality?"

"Wait, you wouldn't be willing to marry me?"

"Mr. Potter and Mr. Black! That's quite enough!" James and Sirius turned around to see the entire class staring at them, some with wide grins, and others with shocked expressions. They grinned sheepishly.

"I don't really want him to marry me, Professor," Sirius said quickly and uneasily. "I mean, I'd rather marry you." James immediately shifted away from his friend, shocked that he would say such a thing, making a bad situation infinitely worse.

"Excuse me?" McGonagall said with narrowed eyes. Sirius, however, was staring at her with a mouth hanging wide open. He had just realized what he had said and how it had sounded.

"Um, Professor, if I may?" The class turned to the student who had spoken. Lily Evans was blushing deep red, but she continued bravely. "I think what Sirius was trying to say was that he had been joking with Potter. I don't think he meant anything by his statement." McGonagall stared at Lily and then back at Sirius, sighing slightly.

"Class dismissed," she finally said. Lily immediately headed for her bag, her red hair and robes billowing behind her, and she was the first one out of the class. James glanced at Sirius briefly before grabbing his bag and chasing after her.

It was times like this that made James wish he owned a map of Hogwarts that would let him know wherever anyone was at any given time, he thought as he ran down the corridor in search of the redheaded girl. The suits of armor against the walls were laughing openly at him, but he ignored them, concentrating instead on each door he passed in case Evans had escaped into an empty classroom.

Finally, as he turned the corner, he saw her rush into a room to the right. James slowed to a walk, thinking he'd casually look into the class as he passed, just to see what she was doing then keep moving on.

He straightened his robes and walked slowly up to the door, peeked through the glass,— and found to his surprise he couldn't move. He was glued to the spot because Lily Evans, a girl he barely knew, was shaking with had to be sobs in an unused classroom.

James wondered briefly if he should enter; after all, Evans was not that fond of him, mainly because of a few stupid things he had done over the years.

In first year, he had asked her to pass a bottle of ketchup as she was engrossed in a conversation with a girl named Alice. She had turned to him impatiently and said, "What?" And he had groaned.

"Pass the bottle that is the same color as your hair, Evans," he had said. Lily had given him a glare, and turned away, not passing him the ketchup.

Then, at the end of second year, he had been foolish enough to hex a Slytherin first year when she was near. That was the first time he had seen the look of disgust in her eyes, and truly witnessed her incredible wand work—one second he was normal, he next his hair was pink (How difficult it had been to convince Sirius that it was a Slytherin seventh year that did it!). After that, he had avoided her like the plague itself. He steered clear of anyone she was friends with—excluding Snivellus, the one person he'd hex no matter what—and took classes she hadn't—Muggle Studies and Divination. It was because of this that he barely knew her.

Yet, she had known him hadn't she?

_You know what's sad? You're probably right, Potter._

Hadn't that shown that she had paid at least a little attention to him?

More than anything, perhaps, that was what that bothered him. He stared at the doorknob, wondering, deliberating, if he wanted to risk pink hair and the embarrassment that it would bring. After all, Sirius wouldn't believe the Slytherin excuse a second time, and James just couldn't bear it if his best friend thought that a girl got the best of him.

James let his hand hover over the doorknob, still at a loss as to what he should do.

She didn't know why she had suddenly become so upset. Perhaps it was because of her horrid encounter with Severus that morning—perhaps it was because she was afraid to lose him like she had lost…

Sighing slightly, Lily shook her head. Thinking in that way wouldn't help her. Besides, that wasn't it. She was upset because of what Sirius had said in a whisper that had nonetheless carried to her.

_I told her._

He had told her. He had told her at the end of second year, oddly serious for once.

"He's not who you think he is, Lily. I know the two of you are friends, and I can respect that, but I can promise you that he'll end up hurting you. In the end, he'll find your blood more important than you."

She hadn't listened, and now she was paying for that mistake. Slowly, but surely, Severus Snape, the boy who had been there for her when she had no one else during those long summers, had turned into a boy she barely knew anymore.

Lily closed her eyes in anguish. She didn't want to believe it, she needed to save him. There had to be a way, something she could do or say that would deter him from the path he was on.

Suddenly, she found herself shaking earnestly, but she shed not a single tear. In all honesty, she hadn't cried since—Lily stopped herself there, not willing to think any further on the matter.

"Lily?" She jumped, the voice shocking her more than even Severus's behavior that morning. She turned swiftly, wondering why James Potter had sought her out.

"W-what are you doing here?" she stammered, trying but not quite remembering a single conversation with him that had not led to an argument of some sort.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright," he said softly, and rather nervously. He seemed quite surprised as he stared at her, and she wondered briefly if he had thought she was crying.

"Would the answer to that really matter to you, James?" she asked softly after a long pause. James stared at her, his mouth slightly open, his eyes wide. He even hadn't noticed that his glasses were about to fall off his nose. After a full minute of silence, Lily smiled sadly. "Silence speaks louder than words, Potter," she said quietly before pushing gently pass him and out of the classroom.

Without knowing where her legs were taking her, she took off down the corridor, wanting nothing more than the arms and warmth of one person, and knowing deep down that it was never going to happen.

And yet, as she ran, she still shed no tears.

He had skipped dinner and had gone straight to his dormitory, not finding it odd that Remus was sitting on his bed, reading, and Peter was munching on a sandwich as he played Exploding Snap with Sirius. All three boys looked up when he entered, each almost immediately going back to their respective pastime. Their last roommate, a kind, though slightly clumsy, boy of extraordinary magical talent, Frank Longbottom, was nowhere to be found. This suited James very well.

It was odd how long he had remained in that classroom after Lily left. One minute lagged to ten, and ten and turned into thirty, and suddenly, thirty minutes had become nearly two hours. He had just stood there, thinking about the question Lily had asked him.

_Would the answer really matter to you, James?_

He couldn't have answered right away. He knew now that she had expected him to—maybe even wanted him to—but he couldn't have, because he had not yet known.

But, after two hours of thinking, he had come up with two conclusions. One of which he needed to share with the Marauders.

"How do the three of you feel about a map?" he asked suddenly. Peter shrugged, Remus grinned with an excited glint in his eyes, and Sirius nodded enthusiastically. James pulled out a piece of parchment and wrote in a neat script: _The Marauder's Map_.

The four of them grinned and began to draw layouts, thought of spells they'd need, and planned some future late night expeditions into the castle with the Cloak.

_It would matter to me a great deal, Lily. _


	3. Lily's Story

**Right, so I know my first two chapters are pretty short, but as I progress, I think they're going to get longer. As for reviews, I really would like to hear from anyone who's reading this story. I want to know what you think; should I keep writing, give it up, or what? So, please, please, PLEASE, review!**

**I own nothing. Except for maybe Kate. **

Chapter 3- Lily's Story

"You know, you're a surprisingly bright person, Lily," Alice said as the two of them walked down to the lake, their arms linked.

Alice Collins, dark-haired and blue-eyed, was one of Lily's closest friends. Katherine Jones—another close friend—had decided to sleep in after a grueling Friday night Quidditch practice. She had logically explained that if sleep deprived, she'd be unable to act as a friend should.

"I am, aren't I?" Lily grinned. Alice shrugged slightly.

"Yes, deceptively so," she said with a small curve to her lips. The two girls laughed loudly and suddenly, as they turned around to see Kate storming towards them, her eyes flashing dangerously.

Kate was tall, athletically built, with long brown hair, and blue-green eyes, quite the opposite from Lily's small build and petite figure, and Alice's short and slightly round shape. They had first met when they entered their dormitory for the first time nearly five years ago, and since then, had remained extremely close friends.

"You think she's mad?" Lily asked in a whisper. Alice laughed, the sound echoing on the grounds.

"Oh, I hope so!" she giggled excitedly, thinking about Kate's famous temper.

"You two are the biggest gits of all time!" Kate yelled as she reached them, her brown hair completely disheveled from the run down to the grounds. Lily and Alice pulled an innocent look.

"Whatever are you speaking of, dear Katherine," they said at the same time, just as they had practiced.

"Why did you tell that _cow_ that _I_ had touched her things? As if I would soil my hands with that!" Kate yelled angrily, her eyes more green than blue. Lily knew that wasn't a good sign.

"Well, you were being so selfish," Alice began, and Lily finished for her:

"So we thought you needed a bit of punishment, and who better than Mary to do that?" Kate glared at the both of them for several seconds before she broke out into a reluctant grin.

"You should have seen her face," was all that Kate said before she lay back on the grass, her arms as legs stretched widely from her body. "Couldn't that collection of pictures be considered stalking?" she asked suddenly.

Mary Macdonald, their final roommate, was a girl that Alice and Lily got along with very well, but Kate detested. Mary embodied all that Kate said was wrong with some girls—superficial, materialistic, and boy-crazy. Mary had brown eyes and long, sleek, blonde hair. She was muggle-born, an average student, and quite nice, despite her infatuation with James and Sirius, two boys whose pictures she kept at the top of her trunk.

Mary was also the only one that could get Kate out her bed, and all with the sound of her voice.

"They weren't ruined were they?" Lily asked worriedly. "We just wanted them damaged enough that she'd yell at you." Kate scowled.

"She fixed them in about a second, but apparently, James refused to come into the picture for fear of ruining his nose." Lily and Alice fought the urge to laugh at that, though without much success. Alice, dropped to the ground on her stomach, her head propped up with her elbows, and after a minutes pause Kate pulled Lily down to sit next to them. "Now, what was the reason behind this walk? You always want to go on walks when you want to say something."

This was true. She had done it during second year when she had been reduced to tears for the first time because of the taunts of _mudblood_, and she had done it again towards the end of third year, when she had gotten _that_ letter from her father so she could tell her two friends what had happened and why she was acting so odd.

"I'm worried about Severus," she said finally, looking at the ground. She knew that Alice and Kate were exchanging a look, and she wanted to give them ample opportunity to formulate a response. Kate spoke first.

"I know you don't want to hear this Lily, but maybe it's for the best." Alice nodded slowly.

"He's been acting oddly for a while now, right? I think Kate's right. He's not the same boy who was your best friend," she said softly, her blue eyes filled with sympathy. Lily swallowed with difficulty.

"I want to save him," she said in a voice barely above a whisper. Kate sat up and shook her head.

"Sometimes, that's just not possible, Lily," she said as she put a hand on her friend's shoulder. And yet, despite hearing the dark thoughts she'd been having deep down for the past few days aloud, Lily felt her resolve harden, and her determination double. There was still hope, she thought stubbornly. There had to be.

xxx

"Shut up," James muttered. Remus looked slightly miffed, but he said nothing as James pushed Peter aside and left the dorm. Sirius shrugged slightly, letting Remus know that he too had no idea what had gotten into their best friend.

"I didn't say anything bad!" Peter said once he was sure James was gone. Remus sighed, knowing the task of restoring Peter's self-confidence went to him.

"James is just in a bad mood, Wormtail. Don't worry about it," he said, patting his friend on the shoulder with reassurance. Sirius snorted.

"I wouldn't be too sure. Yesterday, in McGonagall's class, he started talking about her out of the blue. He seemed genuinely upset that Snape had fought with her," he explained to a confused Remus. The werewolf frowned.

"Lily fought with Snape? Why?"

"No idea," Sirius shrugged. He turned to Peter and grinned slightly. "You want to go to the kitchens?" he asked, his grin growing. Peter nodded excitedly.

"Yeah, of course!" he said, still bobbing his head up and down. Sirius nodded back.

"Good! Why don't you head down, get everything ready, and we'll meet you there?" he offered, looking at Peter with a raised eyebrow. The boy grinned, jumped up, and ran out of the dormitory, tripping on the robes Sirius had left on the floor on his way out. The moment he was gone, Remus turned to Sirius with narrowed eyes.

"Subtle, Sirius."

"What? It's not like he understood I was kicking him out," he complained, looking at Remus with a slightly apologetic smile. "Besides, it's not as if we could go find Lily and talk to her with him hanging around." Grudgingly accepting this logic, Remus nodded, and pulled on his school robes.

"Where would she be on a Saturday morning?" he asked Sirius who grinned in response.

"When in doubt, check the library!" he cried, and Remus rolled his eyes. That sounded like exactly where Lily Evans would go on a Saturday morning.

Together, the two boys left the Gryffindor common room and headed towards the library, glad that because of the early hour, very few students were strolling in the halls. The less people that knew the Marauders spent time in the library, the better.

"What are we going to tell her?" Sirius asked suddenly, before they reached the library. Remus looked at him and shook his head slightly.

"Nothing. It's time to let her confide in us," he explained. Sirius scoffed.

"She hasn't confided in us since—" but one look from Remus was enough to shut Sirius up.

"She's closing up a bit more every day, Sirius, and this matter with Snape has just made it worse. We have to get her talking again." Sirius looked at Remus in anger.

"And just how do you suggest we do that?" he snapped. Remus opened his mouth to respond, when someone spoke up from behind them.

"Talking about me, boys?" Lily Evans said with a small smile. Remus has the decency to blush, but Sirius just grinned.

"My dear Lily, we always talk about you," he joked.

Of all relationships in Hogwarts, none was stranger than the one between Lily Evans and Sirius Black. It had happened during their second year, as Sirius was walking down to the Great Hall for lunch, oddly alone. He was reading the Daily Prophet, scanning the article about the movement his parents had tried so hard to pass, banning muggleborns from going to Hogwarts, and thought about how much he hated having the same name as them.

"What does your family have against us?" someone yelled as he sat at the Gryffindor table, helping himself to some biscuits. Sirius looked up, slightly unnerved, but otherwise not worried, until another grabbed him from behind and threw him to the ground. His wand rolled out of his pocket, and he was unable to reach it. The boy who had grabbed him was a Hufflepuff, a muggleborn whose parents had been killed in an attack several months earlier. Sirius rolled over quickly to avoid the onslaught of kicks that had been sent his way, finding it odd that no teacher had yet come to his rescue. Finally, the boy whose name Sirius didn't even know, managed a hit to Sirius's stomach, knocking all the wind out of him.

"How does it feel," the boy had said, "to be the one pushed and kicked around for once?" he asked coldly, picking Sirius up by the collar. Sirius, still not recovered from the last kick, just gasped for air.

Then, suddenly, there was a flash of red, and the boy was thrown six feet into the air, landing hard onto the stone floor.

"How are you any different from the Death Eaters you claim to hate, Peterson?" a girl's cold voice said loudly from somewhere behind Sirius.

It was unlucky for the girl that it was that moment that Professor McGonagall chose to take notice of the situation: Lily Evans was given detention, and twenty points were taken from Gryffindor.

That night Sirius snuck into the trophy room where Lily was scrubbing away, humming cheerily, and he asked one question:

"Why?" Lily stared at him for a moment, evidently not surprised by the boy's presence, and she shrugged.

"Because no one should be judged for their blood," she had whispered. Since then, Sirius saw Lily nothing less than a fifth Marauder.

Of course, James knew nothing of the story,—something that they didn't want to change— and the only reason Remus knew was that Lily had told him several months later when he had asked why Sirius acted so nervous and ready to please, like a puppy, around her.

"Yes, I'm sure the two of you have nothing better to do than talk about me," she scoffed. Remus sighed slightly, shaking his head.

"Well, seeing as though you don't talk much to us, we have to improvise," he muttered in irritation. Lily's eyes flashed, but she said nothing, just staring at them both.

"Lily, you need—" Sirius began, but the redhead cut him off.

"No, I don't need to talk. There's nothing wrong with me!" she cried, turning on her heel and walking down the corridor. Remus barely registered the grass in her hair before he chased after her, Sirius hot on his heels.

"How can nothing be wrong?" he asked her in a harsh whisper as they passed by several sixth year Ravenclaws. "You can't hold all that in forever," he said, grabbing her shoulder. Lily shrugged him off.

"I don't need your pity, Remus," she said coldly.

"Good, because that's not what I'm offering." Lily stopped walking and stared at the ground.

"What do you want from me? You want me to tell you that Severus is acting strangely and I think I'm losing him? Or that my mother still hasn't shown a single reaction in over a year?" she whispered. Remus and Sirius stared at each other for a second, realizing that perhaps they had pushed their friend a little too far, and that she had spoken about her mother for the first time in about a year.

"We just want you to know that you have us," Sirius said, "that we're here for you." Suddenly, Lily turned around and threw her arms around them both, hugging them tightly.

"Thank you," she said, before letting them go, and smiling. "Breakfast?" she asked.

"Breakfast," the two boys grinned.

xxx

James kicked an imaginary stone as he walked down to breakfast with his hands in his pockets. He knew that he had overreacted a bit when Remus suggested they use Evans as a source to help with the map, and Peter had responded with, "We can't trust her—she'd tell!"

He'd apologize later, he thought suddenly, thinking that Peter never held grudges anyway, so it wasn't a problem. Groaning, he kicked the imaginary rock again.

Why was she affecting him this way? He barely knew her, why should he want to defend her, or care so much that she seemed down all the time? Why did he have to find that he cared a great deal about a girl who he had only ever argued with?

Lily Evans was driving him insane, he thought bitterly. He wanted nothing more than to get rid of this new 'feeling' he had for the girl. So what to do? How was he to get over this…recent fancy?

As he entered the Great Hall, he saw with surprise and maybe a bit of—was it jealousy?—that Sirius and Remus were sitting with Evans, laughing. Clenching his fists, he strode purposefully over to them, and faked a smile.

"Didn't bother to wait for me, eh?" he asked as he reached them, knowing by the look on all three faces that he hadn't been able to hide his irritation. Remus smiled apologetically.

"We thought you had come down here," he shrugged, turning back to Evans who immediately whispered something in the werewolf's ear. Remus chuckled and nodded, and gave Sirius a meaningful glance. Something suddenly snapped within James, and he glared at his two friends and the girl who he wanted to forget—even if it meant losing twenty galleons.

"It's not nice to whisper in front of others, or has your mother never taught you any manners, Evans?" James said coldly, staring at her. Lily looked up at him, her green eyes blank, devoid of any expression.

"Bye, Remus, Sirius," she said, standing up and turning her back on James without deigning to respond. This infuriated James even more. He wasn't used to being ignored.

"Ignoring someone who's speaking to you? Really, Evans, is that how you wish to represent your parents?" he said with a smirk. Lily's wand was out before James even had the chance to react—he flew into the air and landed with a loud, and painful, thud. And yet, before James was able to pull out his wand for defense, Lily had pressed her wand to his throat, her green eyes narrowed into slits.

"I hate you," she said angrily, her eyes blazing with a flame he had never seen before, her entire body shaking. Then, without another word, she walked off. James turned to Remus and Sirius who had not moved at all during the entire exchange.

"You deserved that," Remus snarled, getting up and running after Lily. James frowned in confusion, but Sirius just shook his head.

"Not now, mate. She needs me more," and he too got up and left. Slowly, and gingerly, James stood, thinking that it had hurt far less when his two friends had left him for her than when she had said she hated him.

xxx

She knew they were following her, but she didn't quite mind. Deep down she knew that she needed them far more than even they thought, and so she slowed slightly to allow them to catch up.

Perhaps what James had said hadn't been that bad, but it had hurt more than he knew. She didn't even think he knew about her family's condition, and that made her feel slightly guilty about attacking him, but she didn't regret it. In fact, she had relished it—it had felt as if she was finally getting some revenge.

"Lily! I'm sorry, Lily. Damn it, I'm so sorry," Remus said as he reached her. Lily shook her head frantically and almost angrily. "He doesn't know," Remus began, but Lily shook her head again, not wanting Remus to say something they'd both regret later. He was the only person other than Alice who knew the entire truth, and Lily wanted it to stay that way.

"He still had no right to say anything of the sort! He doesn't even know me, Remus!" she yelled, her voice echoing in the corridor, causing several portraits to look at her in irritation and shake their heads angrily.

"You haven't even told your own friends, Lily! How was he supposed to know that a comment like that would hurt you?" Remus argued as Sirius reached them, flushed slightly from what one of the men in a portrait had just yelled out.

"You know," Lily said, though the comment was pointless. Of course, Remus knew. After all, she had asked him to go see her when the incident first occurred. At the time, she hadn't wanted anyone else to know, not even Severus, Kate, or Alice.

"Let me tell James why you got upset, Lily. I swear, he'll come running to fix his mistake," Remus pleaded, but Lily shook her head.

"Isn't it bad enough that you told Sirius?" she demanded furiously. "I don't want anyone to know!" Sirius sighed and put his hand on Remus's shoulder as the brown-haired boy opened his mouth to retort.

"We have to respect her wishes, Remus. It's her mother," he muttered. Remus shook his head angrily.

"How long are we expected to stand around and watch her be miserable?" he snapped, shrugging off Sirius's hand, and walking away.

"He's right, you know," an alchemist from the painting above them said loudly. Lily looked up at the portrait and narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, shut up," she said, trying not to smile as Sirius burst into a fit of laughter.

"You should be honored, Lily. The school is giving you advice." Lily snorted.

"Well, the school can shove the advice up where it hurts. I don't need it." Sirius grinned, and was silent for a long time before he looked her in the eyes.

"You didn't mean what you said, right?" he asked softly. Confused, Lily frowned. "When you said that it was bad enough that Remus told me about what happened to your mother?" Lily gasped in understanding, and she immediately shook her head.

"It's not you, Sirius. I just didn't want anyone to know," she said quickly. Sirius nodded slowly, but he had a look on his face that made it clear that he was hurt. It seemed that he had finally had enough of her recent coldness.

"When you decide that we're worth your time, let us know, all right?" he muttered before he too walked away, leaving Lily standing alone.

xxx

James glared at the ceiling, as if it was Remus and Sirius, and it had done him wrong. He was laying on his back, the curtains around his bed drawn, and his wand held tight between his fingers.

"Oh, James. You're here." James looked away from the ceiling to see Peter staring at the floor awkwardly. The short chubby boy continued to stand near the door, as if he was ready to bolt if James turned out to be in a bad mood.

"Why are Remus and Sirius so close to Evans?" James asked, ignoring the fear in Peter's voice. Peter shrugged.

"What do you mean? You knew they were friends," he said as he entered the room warily, still waiting for signs of violence. James rolled his eyes.

"I mean, why'd they choose her over _me_?" he muttered, his voice betraying his irritation. Peter frowned as he turned to look at James.

"Wait, you don't know?" Peter asked, evidently shocked.

"Know what?" James snapped, sitting up and opening the curtains. Peter frowned again as he turned to his trunk and began to dig through it.

"I thought everyone knew. It was a really big deal last year," he said. James groaned.

"Are you going to tell me or what?" he asked. Peter blushed and nodded, sitting on his bed.

"In third year, apparently, Lily's mother got in an accident with a drunk driver. After that day, Mrs. Evans hasn't been able to remember anything. She's basically a stranger; doesn't even recognize her own family." James shook his head in confusion.

"But—" he began, before he was interrupted.

"All I know is that Sirius and Remus are very protective of her. I don't know why. All I'm saying is that's why they chose her over you—your comment probably struck harder that you meant it to." James turned to look at Peter, but the boy had his back to him. Suddenly, Peter stood and walked to the door. "Perhaps you should apologize to her," Peter said before he left, running as if his life depended on it. James blinked several times before he laughed.

He wasn't about to apologize about something he hadn't even known about. Smiling slightly, James sunk back into his pillows, unable to get rid of the nagging feeling that the fault was his that he hadn't known—after all, even Peter Pettigrew had known.

xxx

"Explain to me one more time why we're doing homework on a Saturday?" Kate moaned for the third time in ten minutes. Alice put her quill down and nodded in agreement.

"Yes, Lily, why are we doing homework on a Saturday?" she asked, rubbing her eyes and getting ink all over her face. Lily grinned at them, even though she knew she was fighting a losing battle.

"Better to have it done sooner rather than later, right?" she said brightly, watching Alice and Kate roll their eyes simultaneously.

"Let's go to the kitchens!" Kate announced loudly, causing several students to look their way.

"We just had lunch," Alice frowned, ignoring the look in Kate's eyes.

"Yes, but the house-elves are so…entertaining," she grinned, this time causing Lily to roll her eyes.

"When's the first Hogsmeade weekend?" Alice asked, ignoring Kate thoroughly. Lily pulled out her prefect schedules, and quickly skimmed through all of the writing.

"Second week in October," she answered, realizing suddenly that she would have to perform her first patrols with Remus next week.

When she had gotten her Hogwarts letter with the prefect badge, she had been shocked for a few seconds, and then had become apathetic. Did it really matter that she was prefect? After all, it wasn't as if there was anyone to congratulate her, there wasn't anyone to say how proud they were of their youngest daughter.

Petunia had given her a hug, a small smile, but otherwise had shown little emotion. And Lily understood. The truth was, this morning when she had gone to the lake with Kate and Alice, it wasn't to speak about Severus. She had wanted to tell them something completely different. She had wanted to tell them that there was a very good possibility that she wouldn't return to school next year—that she couldn't.

Lily had never been as completely immersed in her studies as she was now. The situation had changed, however, and if she wanted to make her five years at Hogwarts count for something, then she had to study as hard as she could so as to make up for the two years she'd be missing. Perhaps, somewhere, she'd find a way to cure her mother, and bring back—

"Lily? Are you alright?" Alice asked, gently poking her in the side. Lily smiled weakly and nodded. _No, of course not_, Lily thought to herself, _of course I'm not alright_. "So, do you want to go to the kitchens with us?" Alice asked, obviously suspecting Lily's thoughts. Lily shook her head, deciding that she'd tell them later. Yes, later seemed like a good idea.

"I'm sorry; I just want to finish this essay. Go ahead. I'll meet up with you later," she said, smiling the whole time. She watched as they left, finally letting out a sigh when she could no longer see them.

"Oh, finally, I thought they'd never leave!" Lily turned around to see James Potter standing at her table, grinning at her, running his fingers through his already tousled hair.

"Go away," she said angrily, determined to ignore him. James sat down across from her, and he leaned back in his chair.

"So I came to apologize for what I said earlier. I didn't know about your mother," he said, oddly serious for once. Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Who told you?" she snapped. James's eyes widened slightly, and he cocked his head to one side.

"Peter told me earlier today. Why?" he asked curiously, looking at her like he had never truly seen her before. Lily looked up at him defiantly, hating his dark messy hair, and those glasses that slid down his nose. She hated how he had done nothing wrong to warrant her hatred of him—a hatred that stemmed just from his looks.

"That's none of your business, is it, Potter?" she said, turning back to her work. James brought the chair back to all fours, and he leaned forward. Lily noticed that his eyes were brown—not a cold gray. Brown. She frowned slightly, a little intrigued by the difference.

"Why do you hate me?" he asked finally, after staring at her for a full minute. Lily sighed and shook her head, as she looked down, unwilling to answer. "Please, tell me. I want to know what I did." Finally, she looked up, and by the shocked look on his face, she knew that she hadn't been able to control her feelings as she had wanted to.

"Ask your father," she said angrily. James stood up.

"What does he have to do with this?" he yelled, ignoring the cries of protest from the other students in the library. Lily stood as well, not caring that he was stronger than she was, that he was at least a head taller, and that his wand was out, and hers was on her bed in her dormitory.

"Peter told you what happened to my mother, right? But he didn't tell you who the driver was, right?" she yelled back. James glared at her.

"So?"

"So? Connect the dots, Potter! Your wonderful dad, head of Magical Law Enforcement in the Ministry of Magic, the man everyone in the wizarding world loves and respects, was the drunk driver who hit my mother's car on Christmas Eve!" James's angry face turned into shock, disbelief, and something she couldn't quite pinpoint—was it pity or tenderness that flashed through his eyes? Yet, Lily could no longer hold it in. She had been holding it in since third year. She couldn't do it anymore. "And because he's the head of Magical Law Enforcement, because he's so well-loved and respected, he was let go without a single punishment! If anything, he was received as a hero! What did one muggle woman matter, if Mr. Potter survived the crash?" Lily yelled, for the first time since that day, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Do you know what he told me the day he came to give my family memory charms, not realizing that I went to Hogwarts, and that the charms were unnecessary?" she waited until James shook his head. "He told me, 'At least she's not dead, Miss Evans.'" James shook his head frantically.

"No, that's not my dad! You're lying!"

"Lying? I hate you because when you grin, you look like Mr. Charlus Potter, telling me that _at least my mother wasn't dead_! My mother, who doesn't even remember my name! I hate you, because you're cocky like he is, arrogant like he is, and no matter what you do, or who you hurt with those pranks of yours, you seem to always get off easily!" Lily stuffed her things into her bag, and she took one last glance at James Potter who just stood there like he had been slapped in the face multiple times. She let out a derisive chuckle. "You wanted to know what I'd do after Hogwarts, yes? I'm taking care of my mother, because she has no one else." And with that, Lily left the library, furiously wiping her tears as she went.

xxx

"You knew, didn't you?" James asked Remus, his voice shaking with hurt and anger. Remus said nothing, causing James to grow even more infuriated. He grabbed Remus by his robes and shook him. "You knew!" he yelled. Remus just looked away, and James wanted nothing more than to shake his friend until he confessed to such a thing. Yet, before he could do it, Sirius grabbed his hands and pulled him away from Remus roughly.

"This is between you and your dad, not us, James," he said angrily. James's eyes suddenly snapped onto Sirius.

"You knew as well?" he asked quietly. Sirius merely shook his head, as Remus smiled reassuringly at the house-elves who looked scared.

It was past midnight—of that they were sure. Exactly what time it was, they couldn't say. James and Lily had both suddenly disappeared after the fiasco at the library, and after searching unsuccessfully for Lily, Sirius and Remus had found James in the kitchens, drinking butterbeer and mumbling to himself.

"Couldn't find her, yeah?" he had said when they walked in, oddly quiet. He then turned to them, a maniacal grin on his face. "It's a good thing she has such wonderful friends, huh?"

"Her need was greater," Remus had answered, and it was the wrong thing to say. James suddenly jumped up and yelled:

"You knew, didn't you?"

The maniacal grin was gone now, as they just stared at each other, Remus occasionally looking at the house-elves with a smile, and James just angrily staring at Sirius.

"I didn't know. I suspected it greatly," he finally said, answering James's question.

"What do you mean?" James snapped.

"Lily can get along with anyone, James. I mean, she's Snivellus's best friend for god's sake! I knew that there had to be a reason she didn't like you, so I assumed it had to do with the accident."

"And how did you know?" James snapped at Remus, who shrugged slightly.

"She called me, asked me to be with her while her mother was in the hospital. She told me then." James glared at Remus, unsure why his anger was replaced by jealousy.

"Does anyone else know?" he asked suddenly. Sirius shrugged, but Remus nodded.

"Just Alice. Apparently, Mr. Potter told her to promise to never tell anyone about what happened. Lily," he smiled slightly here, "being Lily, told two people that she was sure would never tell anyone else. It was her way of getting back at him." James stared at the ground for several minutes, than he collapsed onto the bench he had been sitting on when they first entered.

"She hates me because I'm like him," he muttered softly. Remus and Sirius glanced at each other before frowning.

"I'm sure she doesn't hate you," Remus said, but James shook his head.

"Am I like him?" he asked, and the silence was answer enough.


	4. The News

**Alright, then. I think that this will be the last chapter for a while that has sad parts in it. I just had to finish Lily's story. Also, I wanted to thank you all for the reviews, especially ficfemme413. I read, reread, and read again each chapter, and I'm glad it's not in vain. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter, I had a very hard time with it. **

**I own nothing, by the way. **

Chapter Four- The News

"Let go!" Remus yelled, trying, and failing spectacularly, to grab his book back from Sirius. Peter grinned as Sirius winked at him.

"Sorry, Remus. Sirius gave me a better deal," he said with a smile that was meant to be apologetic, but still came off as amused. Remus struggled again, but it was futile; the full moon was in a week, and he was too tired to play this game with Sirius and Peter.

"Let go, I don't want my damn book, then," he finally conceded, and immediately fell to the floor, not realizing that Peter had released him, and so he hadn't had time to regain his balance. "I hate you two," Remus muttered, gingerly getting up.

It had been over two weeks since Lily's yelling match with James in the library, and other than in classes, no one had seen her. Even Kate and Alice said that she was barely in the dormitory. James, on the other hand, seemed to have made pure obnoxiousness his life's mission, and he had done everything within his power to make her mad. He slipped ingredients into her potion when she wasn't looking, and then laughed cruelly when the potion exploded in her face. He would cause disruptions in class by professing his love for her, and he had even asked her out twice in one week. Both times, Lily hadn't even deigned to answer him.

At first, Remus and Sirius had tried to protect Lily, but she had shrugged off their help. She talked very little, and seemed to be constantly working, even though both boys knew that there was no way she was doing homework. Lily talked to no one—not even Severus—and ate very little; she didn't smile at all anymore, her green eyes had become dull, almost black.

And so Remus and Sirius had no choice but to let her deal with her own demons.

So, instead, they had concentrated on James, thinking that they could get him to ease up on her a little. Yet, they accomplished nothing at all. If anything, it had made James even more determined to make Lily's life hell.

So it came as quite a surprise that when Remus stood up, it was to see Lily staring down at him, her head cocked to one side questioningly.

"Is this the book you wanted?" she asked, not smiling, but looking amused. In her hand was his large black book, slightly frayed by the fight he and Sirius just had.

"Whatever Remus says is a lie, Lily," Sirius exclaimed, looking at the red head with wide eyes. At this, Lily did smile. She handed Remus his book, then dug through her pockets, only to pull out a piece of paper, with neat writing on it.

"My dad sent me that letter about two weeks ago. He's been diagnosed with cancer," Lily said tonelessly, throwing the letter to the floor. Remus reached for it tentatively, and when he was sure that Lily wouldn't mind, he picked it up and began to read:

_My Dearest Lily, _

_I first wanted to apologize for not responding to your last few letters. Everything has been busy around here, what with Petunia's engagement to Vernon, and your mother's health. I have meant to write to you for several days now, yet I haven't known how I would word what must be said._

_First, I wanted to tell you how much you and your sister mean to me. These past few years would have been impossible without the two of you. I wouldn't have been able to take care of your mother alone._

_Secondly, with your sister's marriage, it is my wish that she move on. I cannot in good conscience ask for her to waste her life away here, taking care of your mother day after day. _

_Lastly—I have discussed this with Petunia—I am placing the house under your name. Your mother and I have no need for it, and Petunia has Vernon to take care of her. I worry so much about your life after Hogwarts. I just want to make sure you will be fine._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Dad_

"But this doesn't say he's been diagnosed with cancer," Remus said in confusion, staring up at Lily as Sirius snatched the letter from his hands and began to read. Lily nodded.

"The entire thing seemed too much like a goodbye. I sent a letter to Petunia the next day, and found out about his cancer."

"It seems he doesn't think he has long left, right?" Sirius mumbled, and Lily nodded.

"Dad has refused treatment. He says the chemotherapy will make it too difficult to care for my mother, so he didn't want it."

"But how long does he have then?" Remus asked, alarmed. Lily looked at him, tears shining in her eyes.

"Petunia says that the doctors don't think he'll make it to Christmas," she cried out, her voice shaking. Remus and Sirius exchanged shocked looks, and immediately began to pat her on the back awkwardly. Neither boy knew how to deal with such a situation. "I just—just wanted to let you know why I was acting—acting odd," she sobbed, burying her face into Remus's shoulder.

"Have you told anyone else?" Sirius asked softly, and Lily nodded.

"Kate and Alice," she whispered, and Remus felt a rush of admiration for Lily's two best friends. They had kept her secret quite well; they must have known what was wrong with Lily the entire time.

"Hey, guys, I thought of the perfect prank on Snivellus!" Remus swore as James bounded into the dormitory, a wide smile on his face. The look on Lily's face was enough for both Remus and Sirius to immediately choose her side over James. "What's she doing here?" he asked slowly, stopping at the doorway.

"We were just having a chat," Sirius muttered, kicking Mr. Evans' note under his bed, an action that did not go unnoticed by James.

"Right. Well, anyway, I was talking about Snape," James continued as if there was nothing wrong. "I think we should—"

"Leave him alone?" Lily said quietly, looking at James with a fire in her eyes. James smirked.

"Nah. We leave him alone for too long, it'd go to his head," James laughed, grinning at Sirius, who grinned back, though stopped immediately when Lily glared at him.

"You know, Potter, there is such a thing called karma," Lily said lightly, though she was obviously enraged. Remus wanted to intervene, it was high time, but he couldn't. James was his best friend; how could he choose between the two of them?

"Alright, so we'll come to a compromise, Evans. You go out with me, and I'll leave Snape alone. How about it?" James asked with a grin. For a moment, Remus thought that Lily was actually considering the offer. He wondered if her friendship with Severus was strong enough that she'd actually be willing to do such a thing for the greasy haired Slytherin. However, as soon as the contemplative look came, it was gone. Lily shook her head determinedly.

"Prank him," she said with a shrug and she left the dormitory without another word. James watched her leave, a silly grin on his face.

"My, my Prongs. You sure do know how to get a girl to fall for you," Sirius said with a laugh. James sighed.

"I actually thought that would work," he muttered, looking at his two friends with a small smile, his disappointment and irritation barely visible.

"Yes, well, you can't blackmail girls to like you, James," Remus said with a laugh, and he patted his friend on the shoulder.

"Really? So my parents have been lying to me for years?" Sirius asked in mock surprise. James finally smiled widely, and though the incident was far from forgotten, he let it pass. Remus knew very well that Lily Evans wouldn't have a moment's peace anytime soon.

xxx

"That's not a good idea," Kate said, yawning. Lily nodded in agreement. The three of them were sitting in the common room, which was empty despite it being a Sunday afternoon. However, the lack of students was nice, Lily thought. It was more relaxing.

"He's nice, Alice, but I thought you fancied Frank," she said, and Alice blushed.

"Well, it's not as if Frank has asked me, and Sam has. I'd rather go with Sam than alone, you know," she responded huffily, and Lily laughed.

"There's nothing wrong with going alone," she said, flipping the page of her textbook, though she knew that she had no more work to do.

"My dear Lily, only people like you and Kate can say that and not be thought of as complete idiots. I, on the other hand, can't pull such a thing off," Alice complained, putting her head on the table, refusing to look at her two friends. Lily stopped giggling abruptly, and even Kate stopped her yawning.

"You know that's not true, Alice. We are independent girls! We can go together!" Kate said, throwing her fist into the air. After several moments of silence, Alice finally looked up.

"Lily doesn't want to go. She was planning on asking Professor Dumbledore if she could visit her family that weekend," Alice said, looking at Kate sadly before continuing. "Besides, I know that Sirius asked you, and you said yes." Lily laughed suddenly, finding the news extraordinarily amusing.

"What? You're not the only one who Sirius talks to, you know," Kate said angrily, obviously miffed.

"How did he ask you? Did he serenade you, or get house-elves to bake you a cake with the question written in icing?" Lily asked, unable to stop laughing. Kate glared for a moment before she shrugged.

"Serenade," she muttered, and rolled her eyes when Alice also laughed. "It's better than what James did the other day." Lily immediately groaned, and shook her head.

"Oh yes! The fireworks were quite dazzling," Alice chuckled, and Lily threw her quill at the girl.

"Oh, shut up," Lily said, but there was a slight smile on her face. There was a part of her—she didn't know how big—that found James's attempts to humiliate her amusing. It was, she supposed, because he ended up making a bigger fool of himself every time. The fact that he set himself up for the public refusals made Lily less aggressive towards him. His actions showed that no matter how pompous and arrogant he acted, he also didn't care what others thought of him. And yet, every time Lily saw James grin at her, she remembered Charlus Potter and his words to her, _At least she's not dead._ Lily shuddered slightly, and smiled slightly at Alice.

"I don't mind postponing my trip, Alice," she said, but her friend shook her head.

"There's no way I'd let you give up seeing your family, Lily, no matter what happens next week." Lily smiled, and turned to her textbook. It was a book lent to her by Professor Flitwick, who claimed that she needed more of a challenge than she was getting. He seemed confident that she could master the spells with ease, but Lily had found that she could not.

The first charm in the textbook was one she had learned the year before, in her spare time. She had cast the Patronus Charm several times the previous year, astonished by her otter. Yet, no matter how many times she tried casting it in the past week, she could not. That thought made her angry and downcast.

"_Expecto patronum_," she whispered under her breath, her wand beneath the table. Alice and Kate, talking animatedly to one another, had noticed nothing. "Damn it," she swore, infuriated that only a wisp had escaped her wand.

"So, Lily, we have a question for you," Kate suddenly exclaimed, interrupting Lily's thoughts.

"Shoot," Lily said, shoving her wand into her pocket. Alice and Kate grinned at each other.

"You haven't been spending time with Snape recently, how are things going in that front?" Alice asked, and Lily shrugged.

"I don't know. Honestly, I think this distance will do him some good," she said, though internally she was devastated. Severus had not even tried talking to her in weeks, and that made her feel even worse about everything that was going on. She needed her best friend back.

"Well, we were thinking, that since you and Snape are having a sort of—let's call it a hiatus—we should do something that he would never approve of," Kate said, the glint in her eye dangerous looking.

"And what's that?"

"We prank Potter and his gang," Alice responded happily. Lily frowned.

"What?"

"Prank Potter and friends, Lily, keep up here!" Kate exclaimed.

"That is a stupid idea."

"No it isn't, right Alice?

"Definitely not stupid."

"How would one even prank Potter? He's rather clever, oddly enough."

"Dear Lily, Kate and I have a wonderful plan!"

"And that would be?"

"What's the one thing Snape hates more than Potter?" Kate asked instead of answering. Lily frowned as she thought for a moment.

"When I talk to other guys," she answered, scowling as she did so. Severus had an annoying habit of arguing with her if she even said one word to another boy. A part of her knew what that meant, but she didn't want to dwell on that.

"Exactly!" Alice declared. Lily frowned.

"Exactly what?" she asked in confusion.

"My dear friend, you have so much to learn about pranks," Kate muttered before she leaned forward and began to explain what they would do. And, funnily enough, despite her best efforts to remain uninterested in the matter, Lily found herself smiling.

xxx

"What would happen of one took the infusion of wormwood and added it to aconite?" Sirius asked, biting the end of his quill as he read his homework question aloud. Remus rolled his eyes, realizing that his friend had no intention of doing any of the work himself.

"You'd get a very powerful poison," Remus answered, rather than arguing.

"You seem so mad today, Moony. Is it that time of the month again?" Sirius asked in a sweet tone as he wrote down the answer. At that, James picked his head up from his book and grinned.

The four of them were sitting underneath their favorite tree out on the grounds, doing homework. In other words, Peter had been idly throwing rocks into the lake, and James had drooled on his parchment. But as soon as Remus glared at Sirius, both boys were suddenly alert and interested.

"That's not very funny," Remus said angrily. Sirius grinned.

"I beg to differ." However, the look on Remus's face was enough for James to sit up and intercede.

"Sirius, Remus doesn't have PMS. Leave him alone," he said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Sirius grinned broadly, his eyes glinting mischievously.

"I know, it's more like PWS," he chuckled, ignoring the glares that Remus was sending his way. Peter turned to James questioningly, and James smiled slightly.

"Prewerewolf syndrome, Wormtail. He's joking," James said, and Peter began to laugh as well, finding the situation a little funnier than the other boys did. Ignoring Peter's overzealous reaction, James turned to Remus and coughed to get his attention. "So we were thinking—" he began before Remus interrupted him.

"Who is 'we?'" he asked suspiciously, glancing at Sirius. James coughed again, this time much louder.

"Sirius and I were thinking that we should do something special on the full moon."

"Something special?"

"Special." Remus stared at James with wide eyes, and understanding suddenly seemed to fill the brown-haired boy, because he shook his head violently in dissent.

"No. No way. There's no way!" he yelled, grabbing his things and walking quickly away from the tree. James jumped up to follow him.

"Oh come on! You haven't even heard the idea yet!" he yelled as he ran to catch up with his friend.

"I don't need to hear it to know where you're going with this!" Remus stopped and turned around to face James, his blue eyes filled with something James couldn't quite place. "This isn't one of your jokes or pranks, James. If anything happened to one of you three, or someone who happens to stray across our path, my life will be ruined! I'm a werewolf, James, not a way to have fun." And with that, Remus ran up to the castle, his bag laying forgotten at James's feet.

"He took it far worse than we thought he would," Sirius said from behind him, and James nodded, though he was filled with guilt. Remus was right; they couldn't risk everything for a few moments of fun.

"Give him some time," James muttered, "he may come around." But, honestly, James didn't think Remus would.

"Sure. Now, about that prank on Snape?" Sirius prodded as Peter caught up to the two boys, laden with all of their bags and books.

"I was thinking about turning Mrs. Norris pink, and having her follow Snape everywhere. That way, we'd get both Filch and Snivellus." Sirius laughed but shook his head.

"Nah, we did that to the bloke Warrington back in third year." James frowned as he thought back.

"Oh yeah!" Peter exclaimed. "Isn't that the guy that called Evans mudblood and you wanted to get back at him?" he asked, not noticing Sirius's sudden stony look and James's confusion.

"You told me you wanted to get him back for calling you a blood traitor," James accused, obviously unhappy about being lied to. Sirius glared at Peter for a moment before he turned to James with an apologetic look.

"She had been crying all day. I had to get him," Sirius said softly, and James shook his head.

"The Marauders only stick up for their own, Sirius! When you and Remus chose her over me a while back, I understood. Her need was greater. But you'd actually _lie_ to me for her?" Sirius sighed gently before he looked James in the eyes defiantly.

"Lily Evans is my friend, James. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's the truth."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Peter looked from James to Sirius who were now staring at each other angrily. Deep down, James knew he was overreacting. Besides, he had friends other than the Marauders, people the other three boys didn't even talk to. But, and he hated that he knew exactly why, he didn't like the knowledge that Remus and Sirius were close to Evans.

"Peter, I'm going to the kitchens, you want to come?" James snapped suddenly, determined to take Peter on his own team. The round boy nodded and was about to turn to James when Sirius suddenly grabbed his arm.

"Peter, _I'm _about to go to the kitchens. You want to come?" Sirius countered, pulling on Peter's arm. James scowled.

"I am!"

"No I am!" With each statement, James and Sirius pulled on Peter's arm, causing him to cry out in pain, but ignoring it anyway.

"He's my friend!"

"God, James, what's this obsession you have with friends? So possessive!" Sirius yelled, pulling on Peter's left arm.

"I was nice to him first!" James yelled, ignoring Sirius's comment. He pulled on Peter's right arm.

"Yeah? Well, at least I'm not insane!"

"I'm insane? How do you figure that, huh?"

"You have issues, mate. Peter's not married to you! You don't own him, or me, for that matter!"

"I never said I own you! Besides, what does this have to do with marriage?"

"I'll tell McGonagall that you think her hair bun looks nice if you don't let go!"

"Tell her, I don't care!"

"I'll tell Dumbledore that you want to grow a beard like his!"

"So what? It looks pretty impressive!"

"I'll—I'll—I'll tell Remus that it was your idea to turn all his robes purple, with the words, 'I'm very wolfish, if you know what I mean' last Christmas!" Sirius yelled, and there was an uproar of laugher from the people who had gathered around to watch the match between James and Sirius.

"You wouldn't!" James exclaimed, shocked that Sirius would betray him that way.

"I would!" Sirius said, almost smugly. He knew, just as James knew, that the battle was won.

"Fine. Peter is yours," James conceded, glaring at the onlookers, as if daring them to say a word. Sirius bowed mockingly.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he cried jokingly, waving to the students who were leaving now that the entertainment was over.

"I hate you," James said, and Sirius just grinned.

xxx

"_Expecto patronum_!" Lily yelled, almost angrily, her wand outstretched in front of her. Yet, nothing, not even that wisp from the afternoon, escaped. "Damn it!" she cursed, kicking the chair next to her to the floor, as if it had done her some sort of wrong. Wiping the tears from her face, she stood up straight, determined to keep trying until it worked.

She had been in the empty classroom all night, torn between wanting to lash out at everyone who dared smile and breaking down completely in sobs. No one knew where she was; she like it that way. Perhaps, if she played her cards right, no one would ever find out what happened, and why there was no longer a need for her to visit her family on the Hogsmeade weekend.

"_Expecto patronum!_" she yelled again, trying her best to concentrate on her happy memory—the first time she saw Hogwarts—and finding it near impossible.

_There is no need for you to come. Nothing can change what has happened. _

Lily glared at the floor where the letter was laying, where it was mocking her.

_They say it was painless, the doctors. I find that a comfort._

A comfort. Petunia's hastily written letter had been anything but a comfort. Lily wanted to tear the letter to shreds, but she knew that it wouldn't help anyway. The words had already been etched into her mind.

_I'm so sorry, Lily. I have Vernon to help me get through this, but you have no one. I wish I could be there for you._

She didn't mean it. Lily knew that. This was just temporary, what Petunia thought she had to say in the situation. After all, Petunia thought of her as nothing more than a freak. Only her parents had found her magic to be something worthwhile, and now, well, now she had no one, just as Petunia had said.

_I don't have any experience with this sort of thing, Lily. I've never been very good with my feelings, and you know that. So I'm going to just put it out there. Mum and Dad, they're gone. God, Lily, they're gone._

"_EXPECTO PATRONUM_!" she yelled for a third time, not surprised when nothing came. After all, how could one with no happiness be able to conjure a Patronus? Lily glared at the letter that had caused something within her to finally snap, and she shook with hatred. She hated Jonathan Potter for hurting her mother in the first place, she hated those purebloods who thought that _mudbloods_ didn't deserve to learn magic, but more than anything, she hated those witches and wizards who followed Voldemort, and who had killed her parents.

_I can't tell you how they died, Lily. Not even the doctors know. It's as if they just decided it was time. _

But Lily knew the truth. She knew because of Mulciber and his gang.

"Are they dead, Evans?" he had asked earlier, when she got her letter. "Such a shame, isn't it? That it's your fault?"

Lily shook, and she realized that she also hated herself. Happy memory, she thought desperately, happy memory.

Nothing came to her.

xxx

"She looks tired, doesn't she?"

"She never came to the dorm last night, Remus."

"But she was fine in the afternoon, while we were working!"

"Yeah, but she seemed upset at dinner."

"Where do you think she was, Kate?"

"I don't know! She doesn't talk to us!"

"She's coming this way!"

"Shut up, Sirius! We're not blind!" Alice, Remus, Kate, and Sirius immediately assumed innocent faces as Lily approached them.

There was obviously something wrong with her, Remus reflected. There were deep bags underneath her eyes, her hair wasn't brushed, and she looked like she had been rolling around on a dusty floor. Lily wore no make-up, and the bag slung over her shoulder was oddly empty. Lily's bag was never empty.

"Hey," she said tonelessly as she reached them, her lips barely moving. Remus and Sirius glanced at each other, and Kate frowned deeply.

"Hey," the four chorused, none of them willing to ask her if anything was wrong. She looked so—lost.

For the first time in their five years at Hogwarts, McGonagall was late, and Remus was cursing her for it. He wished he had something to say, but he could think of nothing.

"Lily, you alright?" Sirius suddenly said, ignoring the looks the three others were giving him. Lily just turned to him, her eyes blank—dead.

"Just tired," she said quietly, and she turned back to the door. At that moment, James sauntered up to the group, his glasses staying in place for once.

"I know why McGonagall's late!" he laughed, looking at Sirius and Remus happily. He didn't notice the glares he received from Alice and Kate. "Peeves has been destroying the trophy room, replacing most of the plaques with insults and what not. She's up there trying to fix it all right now!" he laughed, expecting the same reaction from the others.

"That's nice," Remus said, staring at Lily. In fact, he was not the only one. Alice's gaze had never left her best friend, and Kate only gave James a brief glance before turning to Lily. Only Sirius gave James a smile and a forced laugh.

"Lily, what happened?" Alice asked her, looking desperate. Lily turned them, and Remus was shocked to see tears flowing down her cheeks.

"M-Mulciber, t-t-told me that—that Voldemort killed them!" she cried. Remus was impressed that she had said Voldemort's name so easily, but he didn't understand what she meant. And apparently, he wasn't the only one.

"What? What happened?" James asked, his brow furrowed worriedly. One thing that Remus knew that James hated was the Dark Arts—and by extension, Voldemort.

"My mum and dad! Voldemort killed my mum and dad!" Lily yelled to an astonished James, and shocking the entire Transfiguration class. The Ravenclaws and Gryffindors stared at Lily, but she ignored them. Instead, she hugged Alice tightly, sobbing into her friend's shoulder. And though James must have thought that no one noticed, Remus saw the look of guilt pass over his face, and then the look of determination. James had a plan, it seemed.


	5. Operation GLS

**A lot of this chapter is based on the scenes from the seventh book, but because I didn't want to insult Rowling with my dismal interpretation of her work, and my even more horrid writing, I have quoted nothing. It'll make sense, I hope, once you read the chapter.**

**I own nada. The end.**

**By the way, I'd just like to thank all of you who reviewed (14 total) and say how much I appreciate the feedback. I really want to know what everyone's thinking. Good or bad. **

Chapter Five- Operation GLS

"That's not even funny," Remus said with narrowed eyes. They—Alice, James, Sirius, Kate, Peter, and Remus—were in the Room of Requirement, a unique find of Sirius's the year before as he was being chased by Filch. As James had said when they all met up earlier that night, Operation GLS had begun.

"Sure it is! I think turning all the Slytherins into chickens for a day would be highly amusing," Sirius complained. Resisting the urge to throw something heavy and hard at Sirius, Remus shook his head.

"You find it funny, not Lily. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is Operation Get _Lily _Smiling, not you," Remus said, thoroughly annoyed. Sirius sighed.

"What kind of thing does Lily find funny?" Peter asked, munching on some biscuits he had claimed rather pompously to the girls that he had nicked from the kitchens. James and Remus just chuckled, knowing that the house-elves had probably forced it on Peter, and they said nothing, even stopping Sirius from saying anything as well. They wanted Peter to have his moment.

"She thinks Sirius is funny, if a bit crude," Kate said thoughtfully. Alice nodded.

"She'd never admit it, but she likes your pranks. I mean, she didn't tell Snape about the benches, remember?" Alice asked, and Kate nodded enthusiastically. James frowned.

"But she always tells us off!" he exclaimed, remembering how she had called him an idiot when Snape's potion blew up in class the other week. Kate rolled her eyes.

"Lily has a very strong sense of responsibility. She'd do the right thing, no matter how much she didn't want to. Take Snape as an example," Kate said knowledgably. Remus nodded in understanding, but James frowned again.

"She knows that the better thing for her would be to steer clear of him—she knows that there's no point in trying to salvage their friendship, but she's going to try her best anyway. It's the right thing to do, even if she doesn't think it's worth it anymore." James nodded and found himself feeling better, suddenly. He had always found her friendship with that git disgusting, but now he understood that she too no longer appreciated the relationship.

"Right, so how does one go about making someone who just lost both parents feel better?" Sirius asked, stealing a few of the biscuits. Peter scowled.

"First of all, she has to realize she has us," James said slowly, "that she can confide in us."

"There's no way she'd confide in you, James. Why are you even here?" Sirius said with a chuckle. James smacked his friend in the back of his head.

"This was my idea in the first place, idiot," he said irritably.

"This is about Lily, you two! Behave!" Remus yelled, and immediately, the two boys stopped their bantering.

"How about a play?" Peter suddenly suggested. Kate frowned.

"What do you mean?" Alice asked, glancing at Kate in confusion.

"Well, I thought we could make a skit, detailing our time at Hogwarts, but in a funny way." James stared at Peter and he grinned.

"You are a genius!" he exclaimed. Peter smiled sheepishly, as the rest of them pulled out quills and parchment and began to write.

"Hmm, should we make fun of Snape in it, or would Lily not like that?" James asked after a few minutes of silence. Remus and Sirius suddenly grinned.

"Do it!" they yelled together.

"This might actually work," Kate whispered to Alice, and the two girls giggled.

"We should have five acts, one for each year, and we'll spread it out throughout this year." James nodded in agreement.

"The first one should be at Halloween," he said, and Kate nodded quickly.

"The second at Christmas! She'll need it then."

"Can the third be on Valentine's Day?" Peter asked. Everyone looked at him oddly for a moment, and then shrugged.

"You came up with the idea, Wormtail. Of course we can," James answered, tilting his head to the side.

"The fourth one should be in March. How about the first day of Spring?" Remus suggested, and the others agreed.

"And the last one?" Sirius asked, obviously excited. James grinned.

"Right before we leave for the summer holidays," he laughed, and the rest laughed with him. It was going to work, he just knew it.

xxx

"Look, I'm sorry," he said desperately as they walked. Severus had found her in the library, and had been apologizing nonstop since then. Frankly, Lily was annoyed.

"It's been almost two months! You're sorry now?" she demanded, glaring at Severus, infuriated with the nerve of him. He hadn't said a word to her in ages, and now he expected her to forgive him, just like that?

"Lily, I didn't mean to hurt you! I had no choice!" he cried, giving her an apologetic smile. Lily's glare did not waver.

"What d'you mean?" she asked, her eyes narrowed. Severus swallowed hard before speaking again.

"I was told to stay away from you by Mulciber and the others, or they'd hurt you. I had to protect you!" he said quickly. Lily snorted in disbelief.

"Well, you failed spectacularly on that part, Sev," she said as she swept past him and walked quickly down the stairs to the Great Hall for some breakfast.

"I didn't fail!" Severus yelled from behind her, even now afraid of being seen walking into the Great Hall with her. She wanted to turn and slap him for his nerve. He came running to apologize, but he refused to let anyone see them together, he refused to talk to her in classes, and he refused to be kind to her other friends, normally telling them to leave when he wanted to spend time with her. That's how Severus was. He couldn't make a choice in his own beliefs. He continued to waver.

"Trust me, Sev," Lily yelled from the Gryffindor table, unwilling to let Severus get his way this time, and was rewarded by the blush in his cheeks, "you failed." She then turned around and sat next to Kate, who was staring open-mouthed at the angry Severus.

"What happened?" she asked, her mouth full of eggs. Lily grimaced, but she answered anyway.

"He wanted to apologize, and yet, he didn't want to be seen with me," Lily said, her tone cold. Kate rolled her eyes.

"He's a git. Can't figure out why you're still even worrying about him at all," she commented, downing her eggs with some tea. Lily shrugged as she played with her toast, unable to eat.

The truth was that she needed Severus even more now than before. She had known him since she was nine, a girl unaware that there was something different about her. He had introduced her to a fantastic world—the world to which she belonged—and he was her lifeline when she had to back to the muggle world. They had always leaned on each other, best friends through his parent troubles her pain. She needed his support now more than ever, and a part of her feared that she would never attain it—the last month had proven that.

"Lily Evans?" Lily looked up to see Peter staring at her rather nervously. "Are you done with your breakfast?" he asked, his hands twitching. Lily looked at her uneaten toast and she nodded.

"Why?"

"I have been asked to request your presence in the Gryffindor common room," he answered, looking at Kate for support. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"We have class, Peter. How about later?" she said, standing up to leave, but was pulled back by Kate.

"Actually, we have special permission from Professor Dumbledore to skip Potions today."

"That's impossible—" Lily began, but Kate shook her head, not letting her finish. She pulled out a piece of parchment from her pocket and waved it in front of Lily's face. Lily scanned it quickly, annoyed.

"I, Professor Dumbledore, hereby give Miss Lily Evans, Miss Katherine Jones, Miss Alice Collins, Mr. James Potter, Mr. Sirius Black, Mr. Remus Lupin, Mr. Peter Pettigrew, and Mr. Frank Longbottom, permission to miss their double Potion period, on Tuesday, the 31st of October due to unavoidable circumstances," Lily read aloud before narrowing her eyes at Kate. "What 'unavoidable' circumstance?" she asked suspiciously.

"Well, that answer is rather obvious, Evans," said a voice behind her. Lily immediately groaned.

"And what's the answer then, Potter?" she snapped. James grinned widely.

"It's _you_," he said, his grin growing even more.

xxx

"Actually, I'd rather we didn't do this," Lily said desperately. Kate and Alice laughed, but didn't deign to respond.

She was tied to one of the nice armchairs that had been moved to the center of the common room. Her wand had long since been taken away, because of her uncanny ability to use it discretely. In front of her, the others had set up a stage of sorts, complete with a curtain, and even a sign reading, in large bold letters, 'Happy Halloween!'

"Why are you even doing this?" she asked, sure that no one was going to answer her. After all, no one had answered the last ten times she had asked.

"Everyone ready?" James called out suddenly, running his fingers through his hair. Remus nodded quickly, and Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Yes, James, we're ready," he said irritably before leaning conspiratorially towards Lily. "He's been acting odd all day." James scowled at the statement, but he didn't retort, instead pushing the rest behind the curtain, except for Frank.

"Start then," James muttered to Frank, though his whisper carried. Frank grinned, nodded, then turned to Lily, his arms spread out wide.

"Lily Evans, we are about to present to you a play, a play about your first year at Hogwarts!" Here, Frank winked at Lily, then continued, "We gathered our information painstakingly—"

"In other words, whoever was in the common room at the time!" Sirius interjected, dodging the punch sent his way. Frank rolled his eyes.

"We gathered our information painstakingly, from friends, and from foes," he gave a pointed look to James, and Lily almost had the urge to smile, "and we believe it is an accurate portrayal of your first year. Parts are as follows," he paused and waited until James walked over next to him.

"Mr. James Potter as Mr. James Potter and Mr. Frank Longbottom. AKA, the arrogant toerag, AKA, the 'good boy'" James announced happily, before rushing away, only to be replaced by Peter.

"Mr. Peter Pettigrew as Severus Snape and Professor Flitwick, AKA, the greasy haired git, AKA, _Snivellus_, AKA, the only 'good' Professor," he said, running his fingers in his wet hair. He then waddled away, and Sirius took his spot.

"Mr. Sirius Black as Miss Lily Evans and Professor Slughorn, AKA the red head, AKA the Slug." Lily raised her eyebrow as Sirius winked at her and ran behind the curtain. Frank smiled apologetically.

"We were going to cut him out, but he threatened James, so we couldn't, but he makes a wonderful Lily," Frank explained, very nearly getting Lily to smile. Remus walked calmly over and smiled at Lily.

"Mr. Remus Lupin as Mr. Remus Lupin and Miss Petunia Evans. I'm not doing that AKA business, James!" he called, before he too walked behind the curtain. Finally, Alice and Kate came forward, bowed deeply, both wearing grins.

"Miss Alice Collins as Miss Kate Jones and Mr. Sirius Black," Alice said brightly.

"And last, but certainly not least, Miss Kate Jones as Miss Alice Collins and Professor McGonagall," Kate said amid chuckles. She seemed unable to stop laughing. Frank pushed the two girls ahead when it seemed to Lily that they had forgotten what they were supposed to do, and then he bowed low to Lily.

"Mr. Frank Longbottom as the Narrator. Now, Miss Evans, prepare to laugh in Act One of our play, Operation GLS!" Lily stared at him for several moments before she realized he was expecting her to clap for—to applaud—their performance. She coughed gently, and gave her tied up hands a pointed look.

"Whoops. I was supposed to untie you! Sorry, Lily!" Sirius said, running over to untie her hands and then running back over to James who, by the sound that came from behind the curtain, had slapped Sirius on the back of the head. Frank sighed, but he began talking.

"There is a school called Hogwarts, hidden deep within Scotland. However, this is no ordinary school, no. Actually, this is a very special school—special because it is a school of magic." Suddenly the lights dimmed, and the curtain seemed to light up, a beautiful painting of Hogwarts glittering on it, like a movie screen. Lily felt her eyes widen in surprise, and in awe of the magic that she was witnessing. "However, this castle is not where our story starts, our story starts many miles away, in a little muggle town, at the home of Mr. Daniel Evans and Mrs. Rose Evans." At those words, Lily's eyes watered, and she knew she was about to cry, but she desperately didn't want to. "The Evans' had two daughters, the eldest, named Petunia, was eleven when our story starts, her younger sister, Lily, only nine. On a fine summer day, the two sisters were at a park…" Sirius jumped from behind the curtain, an ugly red wig on his head, and a silly smile on his face. He sat down on the ground, and stared at the screen, which now had swing sets on it. Remus, wearing a blonde wig, sighed as he walked over and sat next to Sirius.

"Oh no! Don't do it again or I'll tell mum!" Remus—playing Petunia—said tonelessly, glaring at Sirius. Sirius gave out a girlish giggle and stuck his tongue out.

"Ah, shut up, you muggle!" Sirius cried, his red wig falling off his head. Remus smacked his forehead angrily.

"Idiot! The line is, 'I'm sorry, Tuney!'" Remus snapped. Sirius shrugged and turned slightly to see behind Remus, where a very wet Peter stood.

"I know what you are! A witch!" Peter cried. Remus glared at the boy.

"Wait, wait, wait! First, why are you so wet? Second of all, that's not the line, not yet, anyway!" Remus said angrily, his patience obviously being pushed to its limit. Peter shrugged.

"James said that Snape's hair is _very_ greasy, and he also says that no one cares about how Snape and Evans met. He wants to get to Hogwarts as quickly as possible." Remus shook his head and glared at the curtain, from behind which James' chuckles were plainly heard.

"Tell him that if he doesn't stop acting like he's five, he's not going to be in Act Two!" Remus yelled. Immediately the chuckles stopped. Frank turned to Lily and he smiled quickly.

"Right, since James is a baby, we're just going to skip ahead. Hogwarts then?" Lily shrugged, and Frank turned to Remus. "Get in place!"

There was a few moments of complete chaos before the curtain's image changed again—King's Cross Station—and Sirius was in place, his red wig placed firmly on his head.

"Oh, I'm going to Hogwarts!" he said in a high girlish voice, causing Kate to snort from where she was watching Sirius. Lily merely frowned.

"You're a freak!" Remus said in his own girly voice, flipping his hair ostentatiously.

"You're a bitc—" Sirius retorted before Remus spoke over him.

"You're supposed to be an eleven year old girl, Sirius! And Lily, no less. Trust me, she didn't say that!" Sirius shrugged, and he strutted over to the curtain, which was now the train, and sat on the chair that had been placed there.

"Oh Severus, where do you want to be sorted?" Sirius asked, as Peter sat down across from him, his hair still very wet.

"Slytherin house, of course," Peter said in his best Snape imitation. At that moment, James ran forward, a grin on his face.

"I am the most amazing person ever, Mr. James Potter! I will be a Gryffindor, and I will kick your butt, Snivellus! Just because I'm James Potter!" James yelled, brandishing an invisible sword, his grin not fading once. At this point, Alice walked towards James as well.

"I'm probably going to be Slytherin as well. I hate my family, and I hate Snivellus." James pretended to be affronted, and he took several steps back.

"Blimy, and I thought—wait, never mind. You're obviously completely messed up," James muttered. At that, Sirius threw his red wig to the floor and tackled James.

"Take that back! Take it back!" he yelled as he pulled on James's hair and began to actually try to bite his friend's fingers. James yelled in pain, but no one went to his rescue.

"This isn't in the script! Damn it, James, must you always make a joke out of things?" Remus demanded, pulling off his wig and glaring at his two friends on the floor. James grinned up at Remus, not very apologetic.

"You have to admit, this is funnier than the script," Sirius said, biting down hard on James's arm, causing him to cry out like a girl.

"Next scene!" Remus yelled, annoyed. Frank fought to control his own laughter as he began to talk.

"From the very beginning,—after being sorted in Gryffindor, of course—" everyone gave a loud cry of happiness at this, "it was obvious that Lily hated James Potter. For example, after sorting, she seemed cold and distant from the boy and his new friend, Sirius Black," Frank said, as Sirius and James acted it out. Sirius was chatting animatedly to an empty chair, ignoring Alice who was right across from him, and he slapped James hard across the cheek when James had leaned forward to talk to 'Lily.' James rubbed his cheek angrily, turning around in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest.

"But I'm so clever and amazing! Everyone should love me!" he cried unhappily, ruffling his hair and winking roguishly at the real Lily. Remus groaned, but he didn't say anything, preferring to just shake his head.

"This reaction towards James was very unique," Frank continued. "Very few agreed with Lily when she claimed that James was nothing more than an arrogant berk, and her opinion on the matter was very easily ignored, considering her odd relationship with Snape." At that, Lily frowned, annoyed that they'd say such a thing, though she knew it was the truth. No one listened to her about James because she willingly made friends with a Slytherin. It automatically had made her an outcast, especially in these times.

Sirius and Peter were standing in front of the curtain now, Sirius constantly running his fingers through his red hair, and Peter was staring at him with exaggerated awe.

"Lily, you're _my_ friend. You're my _best _friend, right?" Peter asked, his voice so similar to Severus's that it was just plain odd. Sirius gave Peter a disgusted look.

"I am right now, but in about five years I'm going to get rid of your ass," he snapped, glaring at Snape. Lily frowned again, not recalling a moment when she had ever said anything of the sort. Then again, she never said any of the things Sirius was spewing out.

"Whatever. I'm a creeper, by the way. By fifth year, I will follow you around when you're not looking, and hex every single boy who talks to you. Just like James Potter does," Peter said with an extremely strange laugh at the end. Sirius shrugged, then giggled girlishly.

"That's fine. Besides, I could kick your ass anytime I wanted, hell yeah!" Lily blinked, not understanding why Sirius was making her out to be so…mean. She never spoke to anyone like that.

"First year was very important to Miss Evans. It was the year that she finally realized her extraordinary magical talent. She quickly made a name for herself—The brightest witch to come to Hogwarts since McGonagall herself," Frank said, before Sirius could continue his rant against Snape. Lily blushed deeply, not agreeing with Frank at all. She studied quite a lot, but that didn't mean she was that good…

"Miss Evans! You're very talented!" squeaked Peter, who was wearing a fake mustache, imitating Flitwick very well. Lily was very impressed by Peter's talent in acting.

"Aw, shucks, Professor, you're embarrassing me!" Sirius giggled, pretending to blush and be embarrassed.

"You are possibly better than I am in Charms!" Peter said, his fake mustache twitching slightly. "I mean, even McGonagall agrees with me, right Minnie?" Remus groaned.

"James! You told him to call Professor McGonagall that!" he yelled. Frank laughed.

"Guys? Where's Kate?" he asked, still laughing. Alice came rushing forward and whispered frantically in Frank's ear. "What do you mean she's unavailable? She's McGonagall!"

"Well, she ran up to the dorm just a second ago," Alice snapped, clearly not appreciating Frank's tone.

"I'll play McGonagall!" James yelled happily, jumping up and down in excitement. Frank shrugged, but Remus shook his head.

"Oh no, no, no! You're not ruining this work of art any more than you already have!"

"What work of art, Moony? This isn't Shakespeare, you know," James laughed, but stopped almost immediately with one look at Remus's face.

"This may not be Shakespeare, but it's not a joke, either! I wrote this script!" he cried out. James nodded quickly.

"None of us said we don't think your writing is just grand. It's just... a bit boring. No offense," James added quickly, pushing Alice in front of him for cover. Remus turned to Frank.

"How many scenes left?" he asked and Frank shrugged.

"There's the scene with Slughorn, the scene with McGonagall, the scene in which Lily turns Peter pink for agreeing with James, and the scene that she defends Snape from the Marauders teasing," Frank said, reading from a piece of paper in his hand. Remus nodded, then frowned thoughtfully.

"So, basically, nothing happens?" he asked. Frank nodded apologetically.

"Darn you, Lily, for having a boring first year!" James yelled. "I mean, within my first year, I had already found two secret passages out of the school!"

"Shut up, James!" Remus and Frank said together. "Skip to the end, Frank. I'm afraid that Lily will fall asleep if we waste her time anymore," Remus said, looking at Lily with slightly narrowed eyes. She blushed, realizing that she had indeed become very drowsy, and had nearly fallen asleep. Frank coughed and began to speak.

"For many, Hogwarts is nothing more than a school. They come, they spend time with their studies, talk to a few friends, then leave for the summer. But for Lily Evans, Hogwarts was a second home. She loved her classes, her Professors, and most importantly, her friends, who had become her family. And she knows, as they know, that they'll always have each other, no matter what happens." Frank looked straight at Lily, whose eyes were wide. She sat still in her chair, shocked, before she had the wits to get up and run out of the common room, straight to the girls' dormitory. She didn't look back once.

xxx

They all stood there, unable to speak or move, for several minutes before Sirius had the nerve to say what they all were thinking.

"It didn't work, Remus."

"It did what it was supposed to do," Remus answered curtly, turning away to clean up their makeshift 'stage.'

"She cried, Remus. It didn't work!" Sirius said, frustrated now. Remus turned to glare at his friend, realizing why he didn't understand, but at the same time, not quite caring that he didn't get it.

"Five steps, five years, five Acts. I know what I'm doing here," he said, then continued his work. James frowned.

"What d'you mean?" he asked quietly, though Remus didn't know why. All of them could hear the conversation anyway.

"Getting over a death—especially when it's someone so close to you—isn't a one step thing. First, she needs to realize that she has people who care for her, that she can't just shut us out. Second, she needs to accept that her loved ones are gone, and there's nothing she can do. Third, she must realize that she needs to move on, not only for herself, but for them. Fourth, she must be able to think of them without bursting into tears—in other words, she needs to remember them fondly. And lastly, she needs to learn that the pain will never go away, but with laughter and actually _living,_ she could dull it. Each Act corresponds to one of these steps. That's why I say this worked," Remus said, finally sitting down. James nodded in agreement.

"Do you think she'll ever find out?" Alice asked suddenly, looking at each boy. Remus frowned.

"Find out what?"

"That we actually stuck exactly to the script?" Remus laughed.

"Nah, she won't." Frank smiled slightly, and he began to help clean up as well.

"You really think that by the end of the year, she'll be better?" Sirius asked suddenly. James answered for Remus, for which he was grateful.

"If nothing else bad happens to her, I think this plan will work," James said brightly, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and then blushing deeply. Remus frowned at his friend for a second, not understanding the red cheeks at all. Then, suddenly, it all snapped into place: the reason why James was helping with this, why James constantly did anything within his power to annoy Lily, why he always seemed to steer the conversation towards her. James had had plenty of girls he fancied. There was that girl from fourth year, Natalie Vincent, who he had fancied for nearly three months before finding out she had a seventh year boyfriend. About two months later, he grinned stupidly whenever Penelope Cruse walked by. But this time it was different. He seemed completely…infatuated with Lily. Remus couldn't remember the last time James had asked another girl out. Every day, it was Lily.

James Potter seemed to be falling hard for Lily, Remus thought to himself with a smile.

He waited until the others went to the kitchens for an impromptu celebration—though Remus didn't think they had much to celebrate—before he confronted James. He pulled on his friend's robes, and stared at him with narrowed eyes.

"How long," he asked slowly. James frowned in confusion.

"How long, what?"

"How long have you fancied Lily?" James's mouth hung wide open, his eyes seemed to bulge.

"What?" he asked quickly, trying to hide his shock, but failing.

"I thought you were just being a plain idiot when you made fun of her and asked her out. But you actually like her?" James pressed his lips together before speaking.

"Look, it's not that big of a deal. I'll get over it. It's not like she'll ever like me, considering the history she has with my dad," James muttered, his voice hard and gruff. Remus stared at his friend sadly.

"You don't think you have a chance with her." It wasn't a question.

"No, I don't," James faked a smile. "Do you mind not telling anyone about this, huh? Think of my reputation!" Remus nodded absentmindedly, but said nothing, allowing James to walk towards the portrait hole.

"If you just acted more mature, if you kinder, politer, she'd give you a chance," Remus called out to his friend before James had left. James turned around, his brown eyes very blank. It was a look Remus had seen only twice. The first time was when James pretended he didn't care that Mulciber had called Lily a mudblood in the middle of the corridor last year, and earlier this year, when he didn't want them to know how much it hurt to learn about what his own father had done to Lily's family. It was a look, Remus realized, that James used to shield himself.

"I'm sorry, Remus, but I'm not willing to change for someone I don't truly care for," James said before he left.

This was a side of James very few people ever saw. James Potter had come to Hogwarts as an arrogant kid, thinking nothing but the best of himself. However, when it came down to it, he changed his detention seeking ways for Remus, so he could be there for him on the night of the full moon. He had changed his views of other pureblood families when he had met Sirius, and realized that there was good everywhere. He had toned down his cocky attitude for Peter, in order to make the boy more comfortable around the three friends that—talent wise—were better off. Remus grinned slightly.

James may not have noticed it yet, but he was already changing for the red haired girl. James probably didn't know it yet, but he was fighting a losing battle with his emotions. All he needed was one good push into the right direction, Remus thought, and his smile grew.


	6. Acts and Talks

**Thank you to all who reviewed! They really make my day, hint hint ;)**

**Anyway, here's chapter six…hope you like it!**

**I own nothing, funnily enough.**

Chapter Six- Acts and Talks

"Miss Evans, have you looked through the book I gave you?" tiny Professor Flitwick said excitedly. Lily shifted the bag on her shoulder and looked away, embarrassed.

"I have, Professor, but I have somewhat of a problem," she said slowly as she ran her fingers through her hair absentmindedly.

Charms had just ended, and Lily and Alice were on their way to lunch, when the professor had stopped her. Lily quickly motioned for Alice to go on, not wanting her friend to miss lunch because of her.

"What sort of problem?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. She swallowed before she spoke, not quite knowing what to say.

"The first charm in the book, the Patronus—" she began.

"Yes, yes, you mastered that last year, Miss Evans. I remember," he said impatiently. Lily shook her head at that, suddenly extremely ashamed.

"That's just it, Professor. I-I can't do it!"

"You can't perform the Patronus?" he asked, flabbergasted. Lily blushed, hating the tone in her Professor's voice—the surprise, and was it disappointment?

"Nothing comes at all."

"Perhaps your memory isn't strong enough? Have you tried using something happier?"

"That hasn't worked either." Suddenly, understanding blossomed in his eyes, and he smiled slightly.

"Miss Evans, have you spoken to Professor Dumbledore yet?" he asked kindly. Lily stared at him for a moment, for the first time in over a month, feeling a spark of anger.

"There's no need," she said, perhaps a little too brusquely, because Flitwick shook his head sadly.

"I'm afraid there is," he sighed and nodded resolutely. "Your next class is Arithmancy, yes? I'll speak to Professor Vector, but I want you to go to Dumbledore right now," he commanded, quite a feat from a man that was shorter than she was. Lily shook her head quickly.

"I have lunch right now," she started to say, but Flitwick just shook his head.

"You and the headmaster will have a long talk, Lily. Go on," he muttered, pushing her out of his class. Lily sighed as she walked up the stairs to the seventh floor, where Dumbledore's office was located.

As she walked, she hummed tonelessly to herself, wondering what it could be that had gotten Flitwick so worried. Besides, it was just a Patronus. Suddenly, she looked up and realized she was standing in front of the stone gargoyles, wondering how she got there, and thinking that it was quite a shame that she didn't know the password…

Just as she was turning to walk away, the stone gargoyles moved aside, and Dumbledore walked towards her.

"Miss Evans, thinking of getting away, were we?" he asked, his long bread twitching in amusement, his blue eyes twinkling behind his half-moon spectacles. Lily shook her head quickly, not appreciating the disbelieving smile on Dumbledore's face, but realizing he did have a point. "Let's take a walk, Lily. I think that would do you good." She grimaced slightly, but nodded, thinking that the greatest wizard alive couldn't do anything to make her feel worse.

xxx

"Prongs, stop drooling." James glared at Sirius, but didn't comment. Instead, he turned his head so he would stop staring at the back of Evans' head. Flitwick was saying something, but James wasn't quite listening, so he hoped Remus would have the decency to take notes.

When Charms ended, he and Sirius ran up to the dorms, grabbed their brooms, and went to the pitch, for a bit of flying. The team Captain, Dominique Andrews, had still not scheduled regular practices, even though Gryffindor's first game was only in three weeks.

"He grabs the quaffle, flies straight through the Ravenclaw Chasers, and he SCORES!" James self-commentated, throwing an imaginary ball through one of the hoops. Sirius booed loudly.

"What an idiot, he scored on his own team!" Sirius called out, and to James's embarrassment, it was true. He had indeed fake scored on his own team.

"Damn it!" he cried out, diving so quickly, that for a moment, he was afraid he wouldn't be able to come out of it. "The best flier on the pitch, that James Potter," he murmured to himself, coming to an easy stop as he landed.

"James! Do you have the Map?" James turned his head slightly, frowning at Remus who was running towards him. His frown deepened at the look on Remus's face.

The Marauder's Map. It was a work of art, a masterpiece, the brainchild of the four of them. The Invisibility Cloak was great, James conceded, but the Map? It was pure awesomeness.

They had finished it only a few weeks ago, after Remus had finally found the last few spell they'd need. Peter had done all the floor plans of the castle, Sirius had been in charge of the grounds and secret passages, Remus drew the Map with his steady hand, and James used the final spells and potions to bring it to life. What resulted from nearly three months of work was the greatest tool ever created for troublemakers. James grinned at Remus as he thought about the Map that was with him.

"Yeah, why?" he asked, pulling it out of his pocket. Remus snatched and immediately opened it, muttering the phrase that Sirius came up with under his breath.

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good," he said, tapping his wand on the parchment. James frowned at Remus, who was reeking of nervousness. "Sirius, get down here! Now!" Remus yelled, his eyes never leaving the parchment.

"What's going on?" James snapped, glaring at his friend.

"Lily," was the only word Remus said, his eyes still frantically searching the Map.

"What's wrong? What happened to Lily?" Sirius asked, his usually straight and elegant hair windswept and messy.

"She's been gone since Charms!" Remus said, finally looking up. James shrugged.

"So? It's still the lunch hour," he said nonchalantly. Remus laughed mirthlessly.

"Have you checked your watch lately?" he snapped. James rolled his eyes and checked his watch.

It was ten after six.

When did that happen?

"Ok then, this is very serious," James muttered, his cheeks flaming. Sirius and Remus ignored him thoroughly.

"Look, there she is!" Sirius said after several moments, pointing to the library. James frowned.

"She's with…Dumbledore?" he asked, and the two other boys frowned. Remus was the first to recover. He shook his head and blinked several times.

"Let's go tell Kate and Alice. They're worried," he said softly, and it was obvious the same thought was running though all their heads.

Something must have been seriously wrong if Dumbledore himself was with Lily.

xxx

"Would you like a lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked, his hand digging through his pocket. His midnight blue robes had moons scattered all across the back, and so as he search for his candy, they moved and glittered like stars.

"No thank you, Professor," Lily said quietly. Dumbledore smiled slightly as he popped one into his mouth happily. They walked in silence until they were out on the grounds, heading towards the lake.

"Lily, I wanted to ask your opinion on something," he said, stopping and looking up at the castle. Lily frowned deeply.

"My opinion, sir?" she said quietly, unable to believe that he actually wanted her opinion.

"Yes, Lily, your opinion," he smiled. "I was unable to decide on whether or not Hogwarts should open next year. You see, Lord Voldemort is growing stronger every day, and I wonder if it will be safe." Lily stared at her headmaster in shock.

"You can't close the school, Professor! As long as there are students who want to come, then the school should be open!" she said, almost hysterically. Dumbledore nodded.

"Yes, I agree. After all, one cannot stop living because of fear, or even sadness." He looked down at Lily, his blue eyes no longer twinkling.

"I'd rather not talk about my parents, sir," she said, fighting hard to remain polite. Dumbledore's answering smile made it clear that he knew just how angry she was.

"I'd rather not talk about many things, Lily. For example, I detest speaking to Professor Slughorn about his 'Slug Club,' but even so, I will nod politely, and comment when necessary."

"That's different, Professor. You just find the topic annoying; I find it painful," Lily muttered, looking at her feet. Dumbledore put a hand on her shoulder, and when she looked up, his eyes were full of sympathy and understanding.

"Hurting is part of being human. It's a part of growing up," he said softly. Lily's carefully controlled temper finally snapped at those words. She'd had enough of people thinking they could just wish her pain away.

"Then I don't want to be human!" she yelled, staring straight at Dumbledore, her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment, but her anger still in place. "I want to be something else—anything else—as long as the pain goes away."

"I understand, but sometimes one has no choice but to accept the pain and the loss, and move on." Lily said nothing, choosing instead to glare angrily at the lake, as if it was what had killed her parents. "I heard that you are no longer able to cast a Patronus," Dumbledore said softly. Lily looked up at him in surprise.

"It's not that bad, I'm just not concentrating enough, I think," she said. Dumbledore shook his head sadly.

"Actually, I'm afraid of something completely different." He stopped, looked at Lily and sighed. "Sometimes, after a witch or wizard suffers through some sort of emotional turmoil, it can affect some aspects of their magic."

"What?"

"Though it may not seem like it, magic is very closely connected with our emotions. The strength of ours spells comes from what we're feeling. As you close yourself off, afraid of what might hurt you next, you may never use your magic to its full potential." He looked at her, and his eyes were twinkling again, and it felt as if he was x-raying her mind. "You are a very bright student, Lily." He smiled and pulled out a piece of parchment. "Which is why I'm giving your friends one year to help you, however, if they fail, then the task will fall onto me."

"I don't know what you mean."

"It's time you stopped building walls, Lily. If you continue to do that, you won't be able to use magic at all."

xxx

"We're waiting for Lily."

"Please?"

"No, we're waiting for Lily."

"But this is boring."

"Then leave."

"I will!"

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"Fine."

"FINE!" James stood up and he walked up to the boys' dormitory, growling at anyone that came too near him. Sirius just rolled his eyes, thinking that Remus had probably hit his head hard when he said that James fancied Lily.

"They're talking an awfully long time," Alice said, sniffing slightly. She and Kate had been worried sick about Lily all day because they knew she never missed class unless it was very serious.

"I hear Dumbledore likes spending half an hour trying to convince people to try his lemon drops," Peter said, watching crestfallenly as Remus's bishop attacked his queen.

"Peter, who told you that?" Sirius asked, fighting his smile.

"I don't remember, why?" Peter answered, his eyes never leaving the chessboard. Sirius slapped Peter on the head.

"Don't be so gullible, mate." Peter blushed, and moved his rook, keeping his eyes averted from Sirius.

"I just don't understand what Dumbledore would need to tell Lily that takes all day!" Alice cried, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. Kate patted her friend's back reassuringly.

"It's Dumbledore, Alice. Don't worry," Frank muttered, and they all went back to their work, or in Sirius's case, nap.

xxx

"I hear very good things about you often, Lily," Dumbledore said, smiling as they walked through the castle. Lily looked up at the headmaster in surprise.

"Really?"

"Yes. Professor Slughorn and Professor Flitwick especially like you, but your other professors also consider you a very bright student."

"That's very kind of them," Lily said softly. Dumbledore looked away and stuck another lemon drop in his mouth.

"Of course, even with considerable talent, there's no student that could win the praise of all her teachers without working incredibly hard." He thoughtfully stared at his hand and shrugged, eating yet another candy. Lily blushed in embarrassment.

"I suppose so," Lily answered, looking at her feet.

"I did not mean to embarrass you, Lily. I'm just quite proud of a student like you." Lily frowned.

"A student like me?"

"Many, especially during a time like this, argue that witches and wizards of your birth—"

"You mean muggleborns?" Dumbledore nodded solemnly.

"Yes, they argue that muggleborns do not have the same magical ability, that they do not deserve to learn magic. I'm quite happy to see that you prove them wrong again and again." Lily's frown didn't go away, instead she just stared.

"That's not why I work hard, Professor," she stated bluntly, realizing that they were in the library. Several students waved to Dumbledore, shocked features on their face. It obviously came as a surprise to see the headmaster in the library, considering he rarely left his office.

"It isn't?" he asked in surprise, but there was a twinkle in his eyes, as if he had discovered something that he had desperately been searching for.

"No, sir. I work hard not because I feel as if I have to prove myself, but because I want to be as good as I can. For a very long time I thought that if I worked hard, learned as much as I could, I would be able to cure my mother, to fix all of our problems."

"Magic is not the solution to problems, Lily. Rather, it is the cause of many," Dumbledore said sadly. Lily laughed, and the sound was haunting, even to her ears. It was hollow, emotionless, and cold.

"I know that very well, Professor," she said quietly. They sat down at a table towards the back, and Dumbledore nodded slowly.

"Have you thought about where you are to live when you leave for the holidays?" Lily sighed, not wanting to talk about this.

"Well, I'm staying at Hogwarts for Christmas and Easter, and I'll find somewhere to go during the summer break," she muttered. Dumbledore frowned.

"You won't be staying with your sister?" he asked, obviously surprised. Lily shook her head, wondering how he even knew about her sister, when she suddenly remembered.

"She wrote to you!" Lily exclaimed suddenly and Dumbledore smiled.

"Yes, and I'm sure you can imagine my shock when I got her letter. I wasn't quite sure how I could respond to it," he said, his blue eyes bright. Lily wanted to laugh at the memory, but she couldn't. It was a reminder of what she used to have with Severus, with Petunia, and what she had lost. Instead she sighed heavily and looked at Dumbledore sadly.

"My sister lives with her boyfriend, soon to be fiancé. I would hate to impose on her."

"So you'll stay at your own home?" Lily shook her head frantically.

"And be reminded of what I've lost all summer? No, I could never go back there," she said quickly, horrified of even the thought. Dumbledore frowned.

"Then what will you do?" he asked, and Lily was surprised by the worry in his voice.

"I'd love to stay at Hogwarts," she blurted out, blushing deeply as she said it. Dumbledore looked at her for several moments before he nodded.

"I think that would be a good idea. However, I'm afraid that decision lies with the school governors. If they allow it, you may of course stay at Hogwarts." Lily stared at her headmaster for several seconds, shocked into silence, wondering if this was all a dream. Dumbledore smiled at her and continued speaking. "I will, of course, do my best to convince them, but you must understand that they will not be open to the idea. I beg you to not bring your hopes up," he finished sadly. Lily shook her head, wiping away some of the tears that had leaked from her eyes. It was extraordinarily gratifying to know that she had someone looking out for her, someone that cared for her well-being, someone who had assumed the role of guardian.

"I don't want to seem ungrateful, Professor, but why would you do so much for me?" she asked shakily. Dumbledore's stare was kind and sympathetic.

"No, no, this is not just me!" he said, holding his hands up. "Like I said before, your teachers have a very strong liking for you. We all wish for your well-being," he said, and Lily wanted nothing more than to hug her headmaster. Instead, she nodded slowly, and averted her eyes.

"Thank you so much, Professor. For the walk…and everything else," she said quietly, eternally grateful that Flitwick had asked her to go see Dumbledore. Dumbledore smiled kindly and stood.

"You are quite welcome," he said, and Lily stood as well. He began to walk away, but then stopped, turned around, and stared straight into her eyes. "I'm sure that they are quite proud of you, Lily, and of everything you've done." Lily's eyes filled with tears and she nodded, watching as Dumbledore walked away.

"But it's my fault they're gone," she muttered, and she sat back down in her chair.

xxx

When his father had given him the Invisibility Cloak, he had said with a stern voice that it was never to be used in a way harmful to other students. He was told to use it to have 'fun,' but to remember to draw the line well ahead of actual trouble.

Of course, he didn't listen.

James used his Cloak to pull pranks, to sneak out onto the grounds with his two fellow unregistered Animagi, and to sneak into the kitchens in the middle of the night to hold a conversation with the house-elves and have a snack.

Then again, he did always draw the line just short of causing any actual mayhem. He never destroyed anything in the castle—though Sirius had expressed interest in doing so several times—and he certainly had never _harmed_ another student—well, at least not permanently. Besides, he was having fun, and that was what his father had instructed him to do.

At that moment, however, James was using his Cloak for reasons he didn't even understand. He was waiting patiently by the portrait hole for someone to walk in, to that he could sneak out without being seen. Then, after nearly ten minutes, it swung open, and Mary strode in, her arms filled with books. James waited for a second, and timing it just right, he managed to get out without attracting his friends' attention.

He didn't want them to know that he was going out, and if Sirius was made suspicious enough, he would check the Map and know exactly where James had run off to. Yes, it was better this way—keep this outing as down low as possible.

James rushed down the stairs and through several corridors until he reached the library. He walked in, careful to avoid touching anyone, and noticed that Dumbledore and Evans were in the very back, talking. James frowned and walked a little quicker towards them, wondering what on earth they were saying.

"Thank you so much, Professor. For the walk…and everything else," Evans was saying, and James was shocked at the look of tenderness on Dumbledore's face. It was a fatherly look, one that at once was pitying, and yet, full of hope and compassion. James wondered what they had been talking about before he even got there.

"You are quite welcome," Dumbledore said, smiling as he stood up. James had to stifle a laugh at the robes his eccentric headmaster was wearing. Moons? Honestly? "I'm sure they are quite proud of you, Lily, and of everything you've done." Dumbledore said softly, and James edged slightly away, hiding behind a bookcase. He knew that Dumbledore couldn't see him, but somehow those blue eyes made him feel as if the Professor could. Evans and James watched as Dumbledore walked away, and James was sure that she too would leave, so he was surprised when she sat down and wiped tears from her cheeks.

"But it's my fault they're gone," she whispered, putting her head down on the table, silently sobbing, by the look of it. He was conflicted. He could walk away and pretend this never happened, or he could try to see if he could help, at least offer to walk her back to the Gryffindor common room. Finally his conscience, which sounded extraordinarily like Remus, won out. He pulled the Cloak off and stuffed it into the pocket of his robes and he walked towards Evans, placing a hesitant hand on her shoulder.

"You ok?" he asked, mentally slapping himself. She was alone in the library, crying. Even an idiot would realize that she wasn't ok. Evans looked up at him, her green eyes filled with shock, and she nodded quickly.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," she muttered, hurriedly trying to wipe the tears and blink the redness away. James raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment on her lie.

"Can I walk you to the common room?" he asked slowly, suddenly hoping she'd say yes. Evans frowned.

"No, I don't think I want to be around people right now," she said, her eyes darkening slightly. James sighed, ignoring the dreadful feeling in his chest and nodded.

"Alright, I'll see you later then," he said, about to turn away, when Evans grabbed his arm.

"But I'd love to go to the kitchens. Do you mind?" she asked, and there was desperation in her eyes and voice. The heavy feeling in his chest, the thing that he still didn't quite understand, lifted, and he raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you didn't want to be around people," he grinned, and Evans rolled her eyes.

"I'll go alone, then," she said, and stood to go, but this time it was James's turn to grab her arm.

"No! I'll come!" he said, and he ran his fingers through his hair nervously. Evans raised her eyebrow questioningly, and James hastened to say something that would make him seem sane. "You shouldn't walk alone in the corridors?" he supplied, making the comment sound too much like a question.

"You're an idiot," she commented as she walked away, not even bothering to look to see if he was following. James grinned, though he didn't know why.

"Maybe, but I'm a very talented and good-looking idiot, don't you think?" he said, winking at her, though the effect was ruined because she wasn't even looking at him.

"No, just an idiot," she said, and James rolled his eyes.

"So, Evans, just a question for you: What's your favorite dessert?" he asked, and Evans paused to look at him, her eyes filled with confusion.

"I like treacle tart. Actually, I'm quite partial to it."

"Really?"

"Really."

"That's such a coincidence, because I happen to like it very much as well," James chuckled. Evans shrugged.

"Great minds think alike, I suppose," she said, and she smiled at James.

The first thing he noticed was that it wasn't a real smile. It was one of those, 'I know I'm supposed to smile here, but I really don't find this humorous at all,' smiles. It didn't touch her eyes, and it was obvious that though she was looking slightly amused on the outside, she felt nothing at all inside. The second thing he noticed was that it completely and undeniably hurt him when he saw it.

That was something James Potter was not used to.

Sure he had let Remus think that he fancied Evans. It was easier than saying the truth—that he was trying to get back at her for what she had shouted at him in the library. Yes, he had even somewhat admitted that he had feelings for her, but that had been so Remus would leave him alone. In all honestly, he hadn't meant a single word.

But right now, that feeling in his chest, that pain he felt for her, was so odd, so strange, that he suddenly doubted himself. Had he been fooling Remus before, or himself?

However, before he could answer his own question, Evans grabbed his arm and pulled him towards herself.

"Please, please, don't do anything, James," she said hurriedly, and other than finding it wonderful to hear her say his first name, he didn't quite understand what she meant.

"I don't understand," James muttered stupidly, a part of him still not paying attention to her words. Suddenly, everything clicked. His inattention to his surroundings meant that he hadn't noticed _Snivellus_ standing at the end of the corridor, his arms crossed across his chest. James looked at Evans, saw the desperation in her face, and for once he thought that hexing Snape wasn't a good idea. He nodded, and nearly blushed when she gave him a quick hug.

"Thank you so much," she said in a whisper, and she turned to Snape, her face a cool mask. "Sev," she said, nodding towards her friend. James stood quietly behind her, his fists clenched slightly.

"What're doing with _him_?" Snape said, his eyes narrowed, and Evans raised an eyebrow.

"We're going to the kitchens. James has been kind enough to offer to me me there," Evans said, her eyes never leaving Snape's eyes.

"Really? I thought that Potter was nothing more than an arrogant jerk, someone you would never be able to see eye to eye with," the Slytherin snapped, and James found that his self-control was slowly running away from him.

"He may be arrogant," she looked up at James apologetically, then turned back to Snape, "but he's a good person."

"How do you figure that, Lily?"

"When my parents died, he was willing to give up his own time to help me feel better. What about you, Sev? What did you do?" This comment made James want to whoop with joy. He was proud of Evans for standing up for herself, and even more so, for him.

"I didn't know!" Snape cried, and Lily shook her head angrily.

"Didn't know? Your friends all knew! Mulciber and his gang, those brutes who you're so willing to be with! You're lying!" Evans cried, and there was something in her voice that made James take a step forward. He looked down at her, not exactly shocked that there were tears in her eyes.

"How about some treacle tart?" he asked quietly, and she sniffed appreciatively. She nodded, hooked her arm through his, and continued to walk on, ignoring Snape's cry from behind her:

"I swear I didn't know!"

xxx

"If I say something, will you promise not to get angry with me?" James asked suddenly, putting his fork down. Evans looked up at him and shrugged. "I don't like Snape at all, actually, to tell you the truth, I sort of hate him—" she raised an eyebrow and James blushed, realizing he was starting to rant. He sighed and looked straight into her green eyes, wondering if he'd regret this later. "I don't think he knew," James finally said. Evans closed her eyes and nodded in agreement.

"I think so too," she muttered. James frowned slightly.

"Then why act as if you think he did?"

"Severus needs to choose a side. He can't teeter forever," she answered, but her answer made very little sense to James, so he just nodded. "Thank you for listening to me back there."

"No problem, but you must understand that I'll need payment, right?"

"Payment? What d'you mean?"

"I was thinking something along the lines of one week without Gryffindor's most zealous prefect stopping us from doing anything fun," he grinned, though in reality he wanted to ask something else entirely. Then again, he knew that she wouldn't agree to a kiss, so this was the best next thing.

"In other words, you're asking me to let you wreak havoc around the school?" James grinned again.

"Such a bright girl, you are," he chuckled. Evans pretended to consider his offer then stood.

"Fine, but be kind," she said firmly before smiling at him. Once again, James felt his chest tighten at the smile, but he ignored it. "Would you please walk me back to the common room? It's dangerous to walk the corridors alone these days," she said, and though her tone was light, he realized she did have a genuine fear. He wondered if she was worried about Snape's friends.

"I'm nothing if not a gentleman, Miss Evans. Of course I'll walk you!" he said dramatically.

When they reached the Fat Lady, James grabbed Evans' arms and looked at her, not even thinking about what he was doing.

"Will you go out with me?" he asked quickly, lest anyone walked by. She stared at him, her eyes wide, before she sighed.

"Thank you for everything tonight, Potter," James winced at the renewed usage of his surname, "but I'm afraid the answer is still no." With that, Evans snatched her arm back and said the password, leaving James frozen behind her.

xxx

"He's been attacked by a giant manticore!"

"No, no, he's been hit by a car!"

"Um, Peter, you do realize we have no cars at Hogwarts, right?"

"Oh, yeah…"

James glared at Sirius and Peter, wanting nothing more than to hit them both. He had stumbled up to the dormitory, feeling—for the first time—the sting of rejection. Of course, his friends had immediately noticed his odd behavior, and they had followed him up to the dormitory—all of them, except for Remus.

"Where is he?" James suddenly snapped, upset that yet again, Remus had chosen Evans over him.

"James, you know she—"

"—needs him more, yeah I get it," James growled, pulling off his robes and getting into bed without even bothering to remove his glasses. Sirius walked tentatively over to James, his face a mask.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly. If it had been anyone but Sirius, James wouldn't have answered, but the two of them were like brothers, and James kept nothing from his brother.

"I asked her out," he whispered, careful not to let Frank or Peter hear. Sirius snorted.

"So? You've done it before," he laughed, and James sat up, shaking his head angrily.

"No, but this time—this time, I, I meant it! Damn it, Sirius, I meant it!" James said in heated whisper. Sirius blinked several times before he raised an eyebrow disbelievingly.

"James, I don't know if you understand—" James shook his head.

"When we were talking before, I was nervous! I could barely breathe! And she asked me to leave Snape alone, so I listened to her! Why would I listen to her?" he demanded, and watched as Sirius's eyes widened.

"You didn't hex Snape? Just because she asked you?" Sirius looked thoughtful and suddenly he burst into laughter. He laughed and laughed until James glared at him in annoyance. He didn't find it funny at all. "My god, you really do fancy Lily! That's," he paused and looked thoughtful for a moment, "completely not ok!"

"What?"

"You need to get your act together, mate! Liking Lily? That's a terrible idea!" Sirius said, sitting on his own bed and staring at James with a crazed face.

"Why is it so terrible?" James demanded, and Sirius looked uncomfortable for a moment.

"Look, I'd give you the 'it's not you, it's her' speech, but frankly? It's you." Sirius sighed, and seemed to think that joking wasn't the best approach because he suddenly changed tactics. "She can't deal with this right now, James. She's in enough pain as it is."

"And what's that supposed to mean? I wouldn't hurt her!"

"Prongs, mate, I know you wouldn't intentionally hurt her, but let's face it. You're not actually serious about this; it's going to end up like all your other fancies: You're obsessed for a few weeks, then you move on to another girl."

"Maybe that's because I haven't found the right girl yet!"

"No, it's because you're like me. You and I are the kind of blokes that just don't know how to be in a relationship. It's the cold hard truth," Sirius said, a note of finality in his voice that James had never heard before. Sirius turned away and got into bed, drawing his curtains, a clear indication that the discussion was over, but James couldn't stop thinking about what Sirius said, and he couldn't help but disagree.

And yet, the nagging was there: Did he really not know how to be in a relationship or was this just Sirius being an overprotective brother figure for Evans?

xxx

November was rolling quickly along, and the weather was immensely cold. Students who normally couldn't wait for Quidditch were wondering if it would be worth going at all, considering the epidemic that would ensue in the aftermath of the game. Remus had explained to James days earlier that Evans, however, would indeed be going, and was rather excited too. Then again, that may have been for the fact that she was spending the day with Snape, both of them making an attempt to be friends once more.

James snorted as he drank his tea, disgusted that he was feeling jealous of Snape, and upset that Evans had said no the last two times he had asked. Perhaps, in a way, he had been hoping that when his feelings for her changed she'd notice and decide to give him a chance, but she had—if anything—grown colder.

"Good luck today, Potter!" yelled a Ravenclaw who he didn't even know. He waved absentmindedly, a part of him upset that Evans hadn't wished him good luck, and another part thinking of a good hex to use on _Snivellus_ the next time he saw the greasy git.

"James?" he looked up and smiled instantly. Alice and none other than Evans were standing right in front of him, Alice with a hesitant smile and Evans with a blank stare.

"Good morning," he said, more to Evans than Alice. Neither one of them responded. Instead, Evans stepped forward and forced a smile.

"Good luck today, Potter. I expect a win," and without another word, she left, leaving James staring at her back.

"James, I need to talk to you!" Alice cried, and James blinked. He had been ignoring whatever she had been saying, focusing instead on Evans' red hair and green eyes…He shook his head and stared at Alice questioningly. "The other day when Lily and Dumbledore talked, he offered to let her stay at Hogwarts over the summer—"

"But that's never done!"

"I know! I'm not finished! Anyway, since Lily has nowhere else to go, Dumbledore's appealing to the school governors, but they're reluctant to let a muggleborn stay at Hogwarts."

"That's stupid. If they can't find a legitimate reason—"

"James, shut up! I know you and Lily have had a rocky relationship, and I know that she hates your dad with a passion, but please, please, convince him to talk to the governors. Lily has nowhere else to go!"

"Alice, I'd love to, but—"

"Don't do it for me or Lily, James. Do it for your own dad. This can be his chance to apologize for ruining her mother's life!" James opened his mouth to respond but Alice was gone, scurrying after Lily and immediately beginning to shake her head frantically.

James frowned and picked up his broom—the latest Nimbus model, the 1000—and began to walk to the locker room for the game.

He found that he wanted nothing more at that moment than to make sure the governors were convinced.


	7. The Fallout

**So, first things first, I'd like to thank my awesome new beta, Keri, for editing this chapter. Secondly, please review. Lastly, I hope you like this chapter!**

**I own nothing.**

Chapter Seven- The Fallout

"Welcome to the first game of the season, Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff!" yelled the commentator, a Ravenclaw fifth year named Jon Kantrow. James smiled widely as he listened to the cheering crowd, ignoring the speech his Captain was giving.

"Now, I know that Hufflepuff is a bit of a pushover, especially with the loss of Morris, but we must be vigilant! Moore and Wilson are very good Beaters," she was saying with animated hands as James kept sneaking looks towards the pitch…how he wished to be up in the air…

"We can do this!" Timothy Johnson, their sixth year Chaser, exclaimed happily, as Blake Porter and Anna Brown nodded in agreement. Both of them were good finds, James acknowledged, despite their young age. Brown was only a third year, but she was a great Seeker; Porter could give Sirius a run for his money as Beater, and he was only a fourth year. Even Tori Bell, a talkative and somewhat annoying girl, was fairly talented, and she was a fourth year as well.

"Potter! Quit feeding your ego and listen to me!" Dominique yelled, her hair coming out of her ponytail. James blushed and nodded.

"Sorry, Captain. Let's do this!" Everyone else cheered and the team picked up their broomsticks and left the locker room.

"And here comes the Gryffindor team! Andrews, Potter, Johnson, Black, Porter, Bell, and Brown!" The team circled around the stadium once before landing and waiting for the Hufflepuffs. "The Hufflepuff team! Thomas, White, Harris, Wilson, Moore, Martin, and Robinson!" James watched intently as Aaron Thomas leaned towards his two other Chasers and whispered something to them frantically. Ethan White just shrugged, and Sophie Harris smiled enigmatically. Dominique was watching the Hufflepuff Seeker intently, and the girl, Emma Robinson, blushed. James suddenly felt sorry for the younger girl.

"Captains, shake hands," barked Madame Hooch, a gray-haired, yellow-eyed woman. Dominique and Aaron Thomas shook hands, and nodded. "On my whistle…"

"And the game begins!" yelled Kantrow as fifteen brooms shot into the air.

Immediately, James grabbed the Quaffle and sped towards the Hufflepuff goal posts, thinking that their Keeper was no match for him…

"Potter with the Quaffle—he dodges a Bludger sent his way by Moore—passes to Andrews, who is nearly unseated by White—Potter in possession once again—he's nearing the goal posts—he shoots—and GRYFFINDOR SCORES! Ten points to Gryffindor!" James threw up his hands into the air and grinned widely.

As the game progressed, it became painfully obvious that the Hufflepuff Beaters were extremely talented; not only did they prevent the Gryffindor Chasers from scoring, but they had already gotten in Anna's way twice, causing the Snitch to fly out of sight.

"Potter scores again! Gryffindor sixty, Hufflepuff twenty!" Kantrow exclaimed, but this time James did nothing to vent his feelings. Every time he even touched the Quaffle, a Bludger was sent his way, and he already had been hit by it once, with no desire to repeat the experience.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" James yelled, but Sirius was too far to hear.

"We're trying James, but Wilson and Moore have faster brooms and better aim!" yelled Blake who was hovering behind him. Swearing under his breath, James raced towards Thomas who had the Quaffle in his hands…

"Hufflepuff scores again! Hufflepuff is now in the lead, seventy to sixty!"

Catching the pass from Timothy, James and Dominique raced neck to neck towards the Hufflepuff Keeper, hoping to scare the boy into making a mistake. James raised his arm to throw the Quaffle over to Dominique, when—BAM! James was hit in the arm by a Bludger.

"Potter seems to have a broken arm—wait, is that the Snitch?" He was proud to say that he wasn't the only one that stopped paying attention to the game. Anna and Robinson were racing to the ground, both of them intent on the shimmering gold near the bottom of the Gryffindor goalposts. "Brown is in the lead, but Robinson is gaining quickly—Brown holds out an arm—they're so close to the ground—there's no way either of them can pull out of the dive!—wait, I can't believe it! Robinson catches the Snitch! Hufflepuff wins, two hundred and ten to sixty!" James blinked and shook his head.

"We lost to Hufflepuff?" he wondered aloud, his mind shut off to all the cheers of the yellow and black clad students.

xxx

"You should have seen your face, Prongs!" Remus laughed, shaking his head as they walked to the Gryffindor common room from the Hospital Wing, where Remus had accompanied him to get his arm fixed. "It seemed like you thought the world had just ended!"

"We lost to _Hufflepuff_! That's like…being beaten up by a flobberworm!" James argued, wishing that Remus would stop laughing. He was still dressed in his Quidditch gear, unwilling to do anything but lay in bed for the rest of the day after their humiliating defeat to Hufflepuff.

"Look at it this way, at least Gryffindors won't underestimate a team again," Remus said, trying with difficulty to hide his laughter. James glared at his friend, but realized that he was right. He hated when Remus was right.

"When I'm Captain, I won't wait till last minute to schedule regular practices," James muttered, and Remus rolled his eyes.

"When you're Captain? That's a bit egotistical, isn't it?"

"You can't be egotistical when it's true, Remus. That's just plain fact."

"That's stupid," Remus sighed, and then grinned suddenly. "So…what are our plans for the next full moon?" he asked excitedly. James grinned back, his sour mood suddenly disappearing as the two of them reached the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"_Credo ut intelligam_," James said quickly, and the Fat Lady raised an eyebrow before swinging open. "I swear, she gets nosier every year," James whispered to Remus who couldn't contain his snort of laughter.

Both of them were still chuckling as they reached the nice chairs by the fire and sat down, grateful of the mostly empty common room. James leaned back and stared at the ceiling before speaking again.

"I know you said that the village wasn't a good idea, but I think we can attempt it now," James said quietly. Remus rolled his eyes.

"You got me to agree to the grounds, don't push it," he said in mock severity before sighing. "I don't know, James," he muttered as he shook his head sadly.

"We wouldn't let you do anything, Remus. Sirius and I can pretty much control you now, and you know you need some way to keep busy, or you'll hurt yourself," James said quietly, wanting to reassure his friend, but at the same time annoyed with his indecisiveness. Remus put his head in his hands and groaned.

"What if I bite someone, James?" he said, his voice so soft, James barely heard it.

"You're right. We can run around in the forest again," James said sternly, not wanting to cause his friend any undue stress. Remus already dealt with enough; he definitely didn't need a friend pushing him to do something he didn't want. Remus looked up gratefully, and he smiled.

"Maybe," he said, and it was obvious what he meant. All he needed was time. James grinned and stood, noticing Alice sitting alone at the table near the window. Muttering a quick goodbye to Remus, James rushed over to the girl and he sat down next to her.

"You stink," was the first thing out of her mouth, as she stared intently at him, her eyes bright. James smirked.

"Yes, well, we lost," he commented. Alice snorted.

"So you skive off showers? Not very good logic, Potter," she said, raising an eyebrow. James shrugged.

"And you'd know all about being logical, eh, Collins? How's Longbottom lately?" Immediately the girl blushed, and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"I told you that in confidence, James! Besides, that doesn't even make sense," she snapped, turning away from him. James smiled and patted her shoulder.

James had known Alice for a very long time; she was, after all, the daughter of his father's best friend, Mr. Matthew Collins. Both of them worked in the same department in the ministry, and both were nearing their retirement. He'd known her before he even came to Hogwarts, and he considered her more of a sister than a friend.

"I don't know, Alice, I'd've thought that the _logical_ thing to do, when you like someone, is to actually _talk_ to them. Then again, you may have a better plan."

"Unless you have something important to say, go away," Alice nearly growled, blushing so much that it seemed like her face had been transfigured into a cherry. James nodded quickly.

"It's about talking to my dad," he said quietly, and Alice sighed.

"You're not going to do it, are you?" she asked, disappointment and anger lacing her voice. James shook his head frantically.

"No, I mean, yes! I mean," he paused, thought for a moment, then nodded. "I am going to do it. I just wanted advice as to how I'm supposed to broach the subject." Alice's look instantly changed—her eyes even softened—and she placed a hand on James' shoulder.

"He's your dad, James. You know him better than I do," she said, but James shook his head.

"I—oh, who am I kidding? I barely know my dad! He was never home!"

"James—"

"No! You know it's true! When was the last time your dad was actually home and held a conversation with you?" James demanded, banging his fist on the table. Alice winced, and looked away. "Alice, you know it's—"

"True? Yes, I do! But you do realize that there's a reason behind that, right? All this business with Voldemort…" she trailed off, looking thoughtful, but James scoffed.

"Please. What does Magical Law Enforcement have to do with fighting Voldemort? That's the Aurors' job," he almost snarled. Alice looked at him, and she smiled.

"You'll figure out a way to talk to him, James. I know you will." But James wasn't convinced. He nodded absently, then smiled awkwardly, before leaving, deciding right then that he'd wait till Christmas break to talk to his dad. He'd do it; just not right now.

As he walked back over to the armchairs, he realized that Evans was sitting where he had been previously, deep in a discussion with Remus.

"No, that won't work, Lily. You need to push him," Remus was saying heatedly. James watched as Evans shook her head exasperatedly.

"Every time I try I feel like I'm pushing him away," she muttered, and suddenly it occurred to James that this was a conversation that shouldn't be listened to, and he shouldn't interrupt. Slowly backing away, James went up to the fifth year dormitory, thinking that Alice was probably right. It was time for a shower.

xxx

"Welcome, welcome, to yet another Remus Lupin production!" Frank said happily, waving his arms about stupidly. Lily smiled, grateful that this time she hadn't been tied up. Then again, she thought wryly, she hadn't put up much of a fight.

"Actually, this one is more of a James Potter production, Frank," James said, grinning, but Frank ignored him.

"Going back to her muggle home for the summer was a bit of a pain for poor Lily," Frank began as Sirius pranced forward, his red wig bouncing on his head. "She had been exposed to a new and wonderful world, and she no longer felt she belonged. This proved especially true concerning her sister, Petunia."

"At Hogwarts, our history class is taught by a ghost!" Sirius-Lily exclaimed in a high-pitched voice, clapping his hands together happily. Remus, with his blonde wig, rolled his eyes and put one hand on his hip.

"You're, like, such a freak!" he said, using a voice that not only was nothing like Petunia, but was rather insulting.

"And you're, like, such a bitc—" Remus ran forward and put a hand over Sirius's mouth.

"This is rated PG, Sirius, don't you dare use bad language!" Chuckling, Frank continued his narration.

"Lily missed her friends, Kate and Alice, and she longed for September. The only thing that kept her sane was her friend, Severus Snape." At that, James let out a hissing noise from behind the screen which was blank. It was odd to see nothing on the screen, seeing as though last time it had looked so magnificent. But she wasn't allowed much time to contemplate the lack of a background, because at that moment, Peter came running forward, his hair sleeked back with water which was dripping down onto his shirt, and his clothes were baggy and dirty. Lily wrinkled her nose slightly, though she was slightly impressed by the detail.

"Lily, though I am a total git by the time we're fifth years, right now I'm your friend, and I'm here to help you get through the summer," Peter said, making an attempt at Snape's voice, but failing miserably.

"Shove off, Snape—wait, I mean, oh my goodness, my bestest friend in the whole wide world!" Sirius finished, acting like he was five. Lily narrowed her eyes, finding the whole exchange rather disturbing. Was that really how the two of them seemed to everyone else?

At that moment, however, the portrait hole seemed to burst open, and McGonagall strode in, a furious look on her face, her hat lopsided, and her hair disheveled.

"Miss Evans and Mr. Lupin, come with me," she demanded, not even bothering to ask what they were doing in the empty common room on a Monday morning, when they should have been in class. Lily immediately stood, but as she rushed over to her professor, she couldn't help but exchange a bewildered look with Remus.

"Mr. Lupin, I'd like you to find the Head students as quickly as you can, and come to the Hospital. Miss Evans, you follow me," she said briskly, not waiting for a response before she swept out of the common room. Remus turned to James who rolled his eyes and handed over a piece of parchment, but Lily had no time to wonder what that was about. She hurried after McGonagall, wondering what could have happened to make the woman so distressed. After all, it was only a few days before the break; classes were winding down, students were excited, and overall, nothing interesting ever happened.

"Professor, what happened?" Lily finally asked as they hurried down several flights of stairs. McGonagall paused for a moment, looking at Lily with sad eyes.

"Miss Macdonald has been attacked," she said briskly before she began walking again. Lily's heart seemed to speed up and she wanted desperately to begin running. Mary attacked? Why would anyone want to attack Mary?

"Minerva, there you are," Madame Pomfrey sighed as the two of them entered the Hospital, her entire body slinking in relief. Lily rushed towards the bed, scarcely listening to Pomfrey as she asked McGonagall where Dumbledore was.

Mary always prided herself in looking nice, in being impeccably clean and neat. As Lily gazed on the blonde haired girl, she barely recognized her. Mary's hair was matted with blood, several gashes covered her face, and her body was littered with dark blue and black bruises. Even her clothes were ripped, covered in what had to be her own blood.

"Mary…" Lily murmured softly, unable to believe that anyone at Hogwarts would want to do this to such a nice girl.

"Ah, Miss Evans, I see you're already here." Lily looked up, surprised to see Dumbledore standing next to her, his blue eyes focused on Mary's still form.

"Why was I called?" she stammered, and Dumbledore looked at her sadly.

"Do you recognize this spell, Lily?" he asked softly. Immediately, the deep gashes that covered Mary's body seemed familiar—a book appeared before her eyes, a book that Severus had bought two years ago, saying that Potions was far too easy and he needed a challenge.

Lily's head snapped up and she shook her head quickly.

"No, professor. It doesn't seem familiar at all," she muttered unable to get the image out of her mind.

"_What does it do, Sev?" she asked, looking at the textbook and her friend's scrawl in the corner._

"_It's like you got hit by a blade, I guess," he said, not looking at her. Lily frowned, pushing the book away in revulsion._

"_That's Dark magic, Sev." Severus looked up, his black eyes full of shock._

"_No, no! It's just for defense, Lily. Don't worry, it's not like I'd ever use it!" _

The memory made Lily want to gag. That had only been last year.

"I see," Dumbledore said quietly, staring at her from above his half-moon spectacles. "If you remember anything, please make sure to tell me, alright?" Lily nodded, and quickly excused herself from the hospital, having the terrible feeling that Dumbledore knew that she had been lying.

She rushed through the corridor and headed to the library, thinking that it'd be empty since everyone was in class. The moment she reached the doors, she barged in, scanning the bookcases for the Charms section. She plucked the first book she saw, and collapsed onto the floor, not really reading.

There was no proof it was him, she told herself over and over again. There just was no proof.

xxx

James ran as he had never run before, fear spurring him on. It was late, the full moon was just beginning to appear, and Remus didn't have his friends to keep him from hurting himself. Instead, he was going to have Severus.

A part of him couldn't believe that Sirius could do such a thing, even to someone he hated, but James supposed he had always known better. Sirius didn't even realize what he had done; everything was a joke to him.

At first when Sirius had strode into the common room, a content smile on his face, explaining how he had easily goaded Snape to go down the tunnel tonight, James hadn't believed it. After all, very few were _that_ stupid. But when Sirius said he wasn't going down to visit Moony tonight, because the werewolf would have all the entertainment he'd need, James had raced out without a word to Peter or Sirius.

And so he ran, ignoring the fact that it was after curfew and if he was caught he'd be in big trouble. He ignored the fact that his legs were burning from the exertion, instead, choosing to run even faster. It wasn't about Severus; he needed to save Remus.

When he reached the grounds, he could see Snape's figure near the Whomping Willow, and he heaved a sigh of relief. It wasn't too late! He ran on the dew-covered grass towards Snape, who was bending over to press the knot to freeze the tree with a large stick in his hand.

"SNAPE!" James yelled, but his lungs didn't seem to want to listen to him—it came out as more of a wheeze than a yell. Snape's figure suddenly disappeared.

James' legs felt like jelly, but somehow he managed to get to the base of the tree and throw himself into the tunnel. He stumbled in, quickly maneuvering his way through the small area, hoping—praying—that Remus had not yet transformed.

"SNAPE!" he called as he rushed on. He was nearing the entrance to the Shrieking Shack, he thought fearfully.

After what seemed a lifetime, James spotted Snape. The greasy idiot was frozen in front of the open door, a fully-grown werewolf staring at him. The werewolf was shocked to see Snape, James realized, knowing full well that the shock wouldn't last too long.

"You idiot, RUN!" James cried, grabbing Snape by the collar of his robes and pulling him. The werewolf snapped out of his shock and began to growl menacingly. "RUN!" James yelled at Snape again, pushing the Slytherin behind him as he faced the werewolf. A little further, he thought to himself, waiting for the moment. Snape stumbled a little behind him, the werewolf lunged forward, and James pulled out his wand. With a few well-chosen words, he closed the door and locked it, knowing that it wouldn't hold Moony back for long. "What the hell are you waiting for, damn it! RUN!" he yelled at Snape, who suddenly seemed to snap out of his daze and began running out of the tunnel.

When they reached the base of the Whomping Willow, James shoved Snape out, and grabbed the Slytherin before he could run off.

"Who do you think you are, Potter! You do realize I'm going to tell the whole school about that half-breed, right?" Snape hissed, and James shook his head.

"No, you're coming with me to Dumbledore's office." Snape laughed.

"And say what? That you tried to kill me, so of course, _I _should be the one punished?" James ignored the statement, instead pointing his wand at Snape.

"_Stupefy!" _he muttered, watching with mild amusement as Snape fell to the ground. "And did you really think I'd just let you do what you please? Silly, _Snivellus_," he chuckled, waving his wand and levitating the unconscious boy. Dumbledore would know how to solve this problem.

xxx

Never had such shame coursed through him; never had he felt that he couldn't look someone in the eyes. Until now, that is. Sirius didn't even look up at Professor Dumbledore, who was staring at him steadily, the tips of his fingers pressed together, knowing those blue eyes were full of disappointment.

"I cannot stress the seriousness of what has happened tonight, Mr. Black," Dumbledore said softly, forcing Sirius to look up. The old wizard's lips were pressed in a thin line, the twinkle in his eyes gone. Dumbledore wasn't just disappointed, Sirius realized; he was furious.

"Professor, I—"

"Did you _even _consider what would happen to Severus had he gotten to the end of the tunnel? Did you even imagine what consequences there would be if James hadn't gotten to Severus in time?"

"Professor, I—"

"I implore you to stop speaking," Dumbledore said, and though his tone was polite, there was an edge to it, that made Sirius just want to die. "I know you are a reckless boy, Mr. Black, but this is too much. Severus could have died!" Dumbledore paused and stood up, his agitation apparent in the way he paced behind his desk. "As James tells it, Severus had done nothing, _nothing_, to warrant such an action. And even if you didn't care about Severus, even if you intended to send him down that tunnel, willing him to die, why hurt Remus in that way?"

"Professor, I—"

"Remus, your friend, the boy who already has enough prejudice placed on his shoulders, could have been sent to Azkaban for what _you_ did! Do you have any idea how you would have destroyed his life?"

Suddenly, Sirius stood up, shame, anger, and hurt finally too much for him to handle. Dumbledore was right, there was no doubt about that, but he needed to defend himself.

"Professor, stop! It's just…it was Severus! I overheard him and Mulciber talking about what they had done to Mary!"

"And that gave you reason to nearly destroy your friend and kill Severus?" Dumbledore said, but there was something different in his voice, something Sirius couldn't pinpoint.

"No, of course not! I realize what I did was stupid! But Severus was threatening to spread rumors about Remus, even if he wasn't sure they were true, and I had to do something!"

"So you decided that killing him would be the best way to solve the problem? Why didn't you alert a teacher?" Sirius hung his head in defeat, realizing that he had no excuse, that perhaps he was more of a Black than he realized.

"I suppose I'll be packing my bags then?" Sirius mumbled, not daring to look up at Dumbledore, and thus was surprised to feel the older man's hand on his shoulder.

"No, I will not expel you. However, this cannot go unpunished," Dumbledore said softly, and Sirius felt his heavy heart suddenly lighten. He looked up at his headmaster in shock. "You are to have no more Hogsmeade visits, you're off the Quidditch team, and you will have detention once a week for the rest of your time at Hogwarts. Do you understand?" Sirius nodded quickly and furiously, not caring that he had lost so much, but overjoyed that he was allowed to remain at Hogwarts.

"Professor Dumbledore," Sirius looked up at the headmaster and smiled slightly, "thank you so much."

"Good night, Sirius," Dumbledore said, his blue eyes regaining their twinkle. The use of his first name didn't go unnoticed by Sirius who suddenly grinned widely.

"Good night, Professor," he said, before leaving the office. Immediately his grin slipped off his face as he saw James approach him, a stony look on his face.

"James," he began, but his friend shook his head, holding up a hand.

"I don't want to talk to you. I'm just giving you the mirror back," he said curtly, his brown eyes full of anger. Sirius took his mirror from James, shock written all over his face.

"What're you doing?" he asked quietly, and James sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

"You've always known when to draw the line. But this time…I don't know, Sirius. This time I can't just…let it go," he said, and he turned his back to Sirius, walking away.

And suddenly, as he stood there alone in the corridor, Sirius realized something very important: He had just lost his brother.

xxx

"So he won't be telling anyone?" Remus asked James quietly, watching his friend carefully.

"No, Dumbledore told him that if anyone finds out, he'd be expelled." There were two things that were obvious. The first was that both boys avoided looking at the girl two beds away, and that neither one wanted to have this conversation.

For Remus, days after the full moon were always difficult, even with Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail. The fact was that the transformations were painful, and even if he didn't bite and scratch himself, he still woke up with his bones and joints aching, as if he'd been beaten up several times. This time however, he could barely even move.

Not only did he not have his friends there to help him, but the werewolf had gone completely berserk at the appearance of two humans. Once they were gone, Remus had inflicted some of the worst injuries he'd ever gotten to himself. What upset him, however, was that only two days after it became clear that there was someone in Hogwarts who could hurt an innocent girl, his own best friend did something just as bad, if not worse.

"That's good," Remus said absentmindedly. He closed his eyes, wanting the pain to go away, and wishing desperately that he could somehow change time. "Do you mind if I rest a bit?" he asked James, opening his eyes slightly, giving his friend a clear dismissal. James ran his fingers through his hair nervously, but nodded.

"I'll see you later, yeah?" he said quietly, but Remus didn't answer. He closed his eyes and turned his head away, unwilling to let his friend see the tear that had just rolled down his cheek. He waited until he heard James' footsteps before opening his eyes and staring at the ceiling.

He wasn't even sure why he was crying. Was it because of the pain, or the fact that his friend had betrayed him so easily?

xxx

It was the last day before most of the school went home for Christmas, and there was only one thing that everyone talked about.

The four best friends that anyone had ever seen, had broken up.

No one knew why, as far as Lily knew, but the rumors were fantastic. However, the general agreement was that Sirius had done something horrendous to James, and Remus had done something to Peter. Of course, it meant that none of the four were speaking to the other three.

Of course, that was a lie, something spread by James in order to make the whole thing less serious than it was. Lily knew some of the truth, but not all of it. She knew that Sirius had done something terrible, but it had been Remus who broke off all ties to the other three. James refused to even look at Sirius, and poor Peter was stuck in the middle, unsure of what had happened, and what he should do. So, Peter had adopted a 'talk to none of them' approach, waiting until he knew exactly what had happened. Lily hadn't cared at first, until she saw Remus the afternoon after the full moon.

"What happened, Remus? It's never been this bad!" she had cried once she saw him, shocked by his appearance. Remus had just smiled sadly and asked her to leave politely.

At that point the news of the Marauders fallout was everywhere, and Lily decided to get to the bottom of it.

Remus, Peter and James were going home for Christmas, but Sirius was staying. Lily vowed to get him talking.


	8. James' Worries

Chapter Eight- James' Worries

Lily stared at Sirius from the corner of her eye, not really wanting him to know that she was watching him, but beginning to tire of her spying.

He was boring, she decided firmly. Without the other boys around, Sirius was incredibly dull, doing nothing but reading and occasionally playing a game of chess with one of the girls from the Gryffindor Quidditch team, whose name Lily thought was Tori. He wouldn't talk to anyone—though, admittedly, she hadn't approached him—and he spent a lot of time staring at the fire, as if looking for answers.

This particular evening, he was leaning back against the armchair, fast asleep, and Lily couldn't take it anymore. She hadn't had a decent conversation in ages—Mary was still healing from her injuries, and both Alice and Kate had left to visit their families. Even Frank, who nearly always chose to stay at Hogwarts because of his domineering mother, had decided to go home for the holidays.

Walking stealthily over to the armchair, Lily stood behind an unsuspecting Sirius and grinned happily, feeling absolutely giddy about what she was about to do.

"_Aguamenti!" _she cried, spewing her friend with water, causing Sirius to jump and yell a curse that Lily had never heard before. Sirius turned to glare at her, his hair sopping wet and dripping onto his robes.

"What the hell, Lily?" he cried angrily, and with a flick of his wand, drying himself off. "What was that for?" Lily looked at him innocently, though she couldn't quite control the grin on her face.

"I was bored," she commented nonchalantly. Sirius rolled his eyes but she could tell he was impressed by her actions.

"Shouldn't you be reading a textbook or something?" he said, raising an eyebrow, making Lily blush.

"I'll have you know that I don't always read," she snapped rather half-heartedly. He was right; she had done nothing else since her parents had died.

"Look, Lily, I'd love to chat, but honestly I'm sort of busy—"

"Busy doing what? Snoring?"

"…um, no…"

"Then let's chat!" she said happily, attaching herself to Sirius's arm. Looking rather shocked, Sirius shrugged her off, his eyes wide.

"I'm not in the mood, Lily," he said, turning around to walk away. Quickly, Lily grabbed his hand and pulled him back.

"What happened?" she asked harshly. For a moment, she thought he was about to lash out at her because he was so still, not even turning to look at her. Suddenly, Sirius began shaking, and Lily realized in shock that he was actually sobbing. Sirius Black was crying. "Sirius, what happened?" she asked again, her voice gentler. Slowly, he turned around to face her, his face covered in tears.

"I did something horrible, Lily," he muttered, collapsing into the armchair, his head in his hands. "How much do you know about Remus's transformations?" he asked suddenly, his eyes slightly narrowed. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Is that a subtle way of asking if I know about the three illegal Animagi running around Hogwarts once a month?" she laughed, finding the shocked look on Sirius's face very amusing. He frowned, and opened his mouth to speak, but Lily just waved him off. "First of all, the three of you are rather loud—I'm surprised only _I_ figured out what you were doing the last couple of years." She paused, grinned again, and continued. "Then again, Remus told me, so that helped a lot."

"How long?" Sirius asked, his voice raspy. Chuckling again, Lily shrugged.

"Since the first time the three of you turned into Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs." Lily raised an eyebrow expectantly, waiting to hear Sirius's story about what truly happened to split the Marauders apart. Instead Sirius laughed, his chest rising and falling steeply with each laugh.

"You never cease to surprise me, Evans," he said, grinning like a maniac. Frowning slightly, Lily crossed her arms across her chest, her impatience getting the best of her.

"What did you do?" she snapped, and had the great satisfaction of watching Sirius immediately shut up. He glared at her before sighing and hanging his head.

"You're going to hate me for this," he muttered, and he began telling her exactly what had happened, from overhearing Severus and Mulciber, to tricking Severus into going down the tunnel. When he finished, he looked anywhere but at Lily. Smiling slightly, Lily sat on the armrest, putting a hand on Sirius's shoulder.

"I don't hate you," she told him softly, though in reality, she didn't know what she felt. Her mind was reeling—she didn't want to believe what she herself had suspected for so long now, that Severus had changed. She didn't know what to say when one of her closest friends admitted to nearly murdering another student. There was so much that she felt conflicted about, and she honestly couldn't tell what was going through her mind. But at that moment, as she stared at Sirius's broken face, she knew that she couldn't abandon him too. He had no one else at that point. "What you did, Sirius," she paused, waiting for him to look up at her, "was…well, it was foolish, stupid, and frankly, I can't believe you did it." Sirius looked away, his hair falling into his eyes. Lily sighed and continued. "But at the same time, I know that you're brave, incredibly loyal, and you're one of the best people I know. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you made a mistake," she tilted her head to one side, "a big mistake, to be sure, but a mistake nonetheless."

"So you really don't hate me?" Sirius asked her, his eyes awfully wide. Lily couldn't help but grin.

"Sirius, no one hates you," she said, looking at him, slightly confused.

"Remus and James hate me," he muttered. Lily opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came to mind. She wrinkled her nose slightly then licked her lips.

"Oh, no, I'm sure they don't," she said, without any real conviction. And somehow, miraculously, Sirius laughed. He looked at her for a moment, then grinned widely.

"Would you like to pull a prank with me?" he asked, and Lily noticed that he pointedly ignored her rolling eyes. She shrugged, and watched as Sirius pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket, and grabbed a quill that was lying on the table next to him. He bent over the paper for several seconds then straightened, his smile even wider.

"We will prank the teachers!"

"Actually that's not a good idea, Sirius," Lily laughed, pulling the paper from his hands. He pouted for only a moment but then sported a thoughtful look on his face. It was as if he was doing some quick thinking.

"Will you be my new James?" he asked, getting on one knee. Lily jumped back, shocked by the question.

"Excuse me?" she stammered, taking several steps back. The common room, as it had been since break started, was absolutely empty, and she realized she had no one to come to her aid. Sirius's grin didn't even waver.

"Look, I need a new best friend, and you're my best bet," he said, and suddenly, Lily felt her shoulders relax. Sirius was still smiling, but he had a vulnerability in his eyes that she had never seen before. Sighing slightly, Lily patted him on the back awkwardly.

"Sirius, he's still your best friend. James won't be mad forever," she said softly, and Sirius snorted.

"You obviously don't know James."

"I resent that! He's arrogant, rude, obnoxious—" she counted off the insults on her fingers, ignoring Sirius's shaking head.

"To you he's like that. To me, he's loyal, funny, trustworthy, and when it comes to his beliefs, completely unwavering."

"Well, it sounds like you're a great couple," Lily said, slightly disgruntled by Sirius's high opinion of James. Sirius scowled, but didn't respond to Lily's comment. Instead, he stood up and muttered something inaudible, waving his hands as he murmured under his breath. Lily watched him for a moment. "What do you see in me?" she asked suddenly, looking at Sirius curiously. He shrugged, seeming reluctant to answer.

"You never judge people, you're incredibly kind, perhaps a bit too much, and you're really smart," he said, and Lily frowned with annoyance.

"So I'm not funny or trustworthy? I'm not loyal?"

"Why does it matter?" Sirius snapped, suddenly angry. Lily drew herself up to her full height, and attempted—without any real success—to push away her own anger.

"Because he's none of those things! He's not a good person!" she yelled, shocked by her own words. Sirius glared at her for a moment before he snorted.

"He wasn't the one who hurt your mother, Lily. None of that was his fault."

"I know that!" she yelled, not exactly sure she meant it. "But he represents all that's wrong with our world—how the quality of blood can make you immune to any punishment, how money and power makes you free to do whatever you wish."

"What?"

"All he had to do was take my mother to St. Mungos! He didn't even have to explain why he was drunk at five in the afternoon, why he was driving a _muggle_ car. All he had to do was take her to St. Mungos!" Lily felt tears rush down her cheeks, and the wounds that had slowly healed split open. Sirius pulled her into a hug, his turn to pat her back awkwardly.

"James isn't like his father, Lily. He's nothing like that," he said softly, but she heard the uncertainty in his voice. Lily pushed Sirius away, and she shook her head.

"I've known him for five years. He has yet to prove that," she said, and she left the common room, slamming the portrait shut behind her, ignoring the Fat Lady's angry shouts.

xxx

"I think you're an idiot." Lily glared at the girl for a moment, then she grinned.

"I think you're an idiot," she said, sticking her tongue out at Mary childishly. She hadn't set out for the hospital after she had stormed out of the common room—but she had ended up there. In a way, it was a good thing. Mary had been awake for a few hours, and she was in need of someone to talk to that actually listened—according to her, Madame Pomfrey's only words since she had woken up were, "Finally, she wakes!"

"Lily, you're being unfair to James."

"Honestly, I can't bring myself to care."

"But you're supposed to be nice!"

"So? Being nice is absolutely horrifying." Mary narrowed her eyes, then she chuckled.

"So, other than you hating James, what else is new?" she asked, her brown eyes glinting mischievously. Lily glared at her for a moment, not liking the knowing look on her face, before she sighed.

"You created quite a stir, then everyone went home for the holidays. Not much happened since," Lily commented tonelessly. Mary raised an eyebrow. Her face had completely healed—not even scars were visible. However, her arms and torso were still littered with faint pink lines that seemed to pain her. Lily felt a surge of guilt, and Mary seemed to understand.

"I really would rather we didn't talk about the attack, Lily." She stopped, looked at Lily carefully for a moment, then she smiled, her brown eyes taking a haunted look. "He wasn't a part of it," she finally muttered after several moments of silence. Lily didn't need to ask who _he_ was.

"To tell you the truth, Mary, I don't think it matters anymore," Lily sighed, and Mary immediately brightened.

"So you won't talk to the greasy git anymore?" she asked. Lily frowned in shock at Mary's words. Mary—sweet, kind, loving, and generally, friends with everyone—was actually making fun of another student? It was both astonishing and refreshing.

"I didn't say that. But I really don't think we can be best friends. Possibly, maybe, just really close acquaintances."

"Um, Lily, sorry to burst your bubble, but that's called friends."

"Oh. Damn."

"You know, you need to stand up to him. Tell him how you feel!" Lily snorted.

"That'll be a pleasant conversation: 'Severus, I really don't like your friends, or what you do. If you don't stop I'll be forced to never talk to you again.'"

"What's wrong with that?"

"It's…not me. I don't confront people that way."

"You confront James all the time."

"Yes, but he's different—"

"Ha! So you admit it! Lily, don't you see?" Mary asked enthusiastically. Lily rolled her eyes, having an inkling of where this was going.

"No. I don't. Sorry," she deadpanned, waiting for Mary's assessment of the situation. The thing was, despite the fact that she seemed to have started her own James Potter and Sirius Black Fan Club, Mary was adamant that Lily and James were destined to be together. She constantly gave Lily little reasons as to why it made sense, and the gleam in her eyes was all too familiar.

"You only ever criticize people you care about. Think about it: me, Kate," she said the name with disgust, and Lily couldn't help but smile, "Alice, Remus, Sirius, Frank…you know, this list is getting pretty long."

"What can I say, I'm a pretty loving person," Lily joked, ignoring Mary's scowl.

"Anyway, you only ever let the people you care about know what you're actually thinking. You see, deep, deep," she paused, and watching Lily's slowly reddening face, then continued, "deep inside, you actually care about James Potter." Lily stared at Mary for a second, shocked into silence. How odd that for once Mary would actually be right…

Lily blinked several times.

"You're an idiot," she told Mary, and to her surprise, heard a deep chuckle from behind her. She blushed deeply when she realized it was Professor Dumbledore.

"I see you have seen to our patient, Miss Evans," he said, his blue eyes bright. Mary laughed.

"She's been wonderful amusement, Professor," Mary said, giving Lily a playful look. Dumbledore chuckled again.

"Yes, our Miss Evans is quite talented," he said brightly, before turning to Lily. "Would you mind waiting for me outside? I'd like a quick word with Miss McDonald before I speak with you."

"Of course," Lily gushed, and she gave Mary a quick and awkward wave before leaving the room, curious as to what Dumbledore would want from her.

And so Lily leaned against the stone wall, waiting, her head reeling with what Dumbledore could possibly want to tell her.

xxx

"Sirius!" James yelled, searching frantically.

The oddest thing about the entire situation was that he knew it was a dream. Of course, perhaps even stranger was the fact that though he knew it was a dream, it felt real. And he would never admit it to anyone, but he was absolutely terrified.

The dark never quite scared James—then again, very few things did. In all honesty, he had always felt some sort of comfort when it came to being in a dark room; it felt rather private and secure. However, at that moment, he admitted to himself that he was quite afraid.

"Sirius!" James called again, positive that Remus was somewhere in this large, dark room, but he was unable to find him.

"James."

"Remus, is that you?" James' head swiveled, and he turned to see Remus standing not two feet away.

"He's not here James, you drove him away."

"What? That's not true! He's here, I saw him!" James turned around again, his search for Sirius becoming more and more frantic. He waved his arms blindly as he stumbled through the dark room….

Suddenly, the dream seemed to change and James was out on the grounds at Hogwarts. In the distance, he could see Hagrid's cabin—he saw girls with their feet in the lake, a few first years chasing each other. Somehow, none of them seemed to notice the dark clouds gathering above them, the odd gleam in the sun's rays. James took several steps backward, and he bumped into something hard. He turned quickly, heaving a sigh of relief when he saw it was just Evans.

"It's all your fault, you know," she told him, her voice much higher than normal, her green eyes cold.

"I didn't do anything to your mother!" he cried, trying his best to ignore the cruel look she was giving him.

"You're lucky he's just not talking to you—after all, _you _could have prevented it. After all, it all stems from your stupidity, your immaturity." James stared at her, realizing that she was talking about the Whomping Willow incident. A sudden surge of anger filled him and he glared at her.

"Sirius was the one who tried to kill Snape, not me!" he yelled. Lily Evans, a girl most knew to be kind, trustworthy, and understanding, just laughed, the sound sending shivers down James' spine.

"But it was you who always encouraged pranking Snape, it was you who never drew any boundaries on what could and couldn't be done—in fact, you encouraged harmful pranks on several occasions. You turned Sirius into the person he is." James stared at Lily for a moment, then he shook his head frantically.

"No! No, that's not true!" James cried, and found that she was gone. He didn't have time to ponder this sudden disappearance because, almost immediately, James was underwater.

Everything was cold, dark, and…wet. His arms were aching from trying to pull himself out of the water; his legs had all but given away. From above, he could see a shining sun, blurred by the water, and yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't reach the surface; air was out of reach. Slowly, he felt his lungs begin to burn, they filled with water, the darkness enveloped him, and he realized there was no way out. This was the end.

And then, as if they had heard James' silent yells, Sirius, Remus, and Peter stood above the water, leaning forward as if about to pull him out—yet none of them did. The water seemed heavier…James felt himself sinking…he couldn't tell if it was a dream or reality anymore…he wanted to wake up…he was going to die…

James shot up in bed, panting and covered in sweat. He reached for his glasses blindly, knocking not only his alarm clock, but also his lamp and wand, to the ground.

"Damn," he hissed as he got tangled in his sheets and fell to the ground with a loud thud. Groaning, he checked the time, shocked that it was only two in the morning.

James rubbed his temples, thinking about the dream, and wondering when he'd stop having it. After all, having the same exact dream for almost a week couldn't be a good sign. He closed his eyes for a moment, and it occurred to him that his Divination textbook had an entire chapter on dreams.

Grinning, he stood and ran to his trunk, paying little attention to the noise he was making, and he pulled out his book, flipping through it for the correct page. Slowly, as his eyes scanned the page, his grin slipped off his face.

"Stupid subject," he muttered, throwing the book to the ground, trying, without success, to ignore what he had just read.

xxx

"Thank you for being so patient, Lily," Dumbledore said as he walked out of the Hospital Wing. Lily smiled at him, though she privately wondered what Dumbledore and Mary discussed for nearly three-quarters of an hour.

"You wanted to speak with me?" she asked politely, suddenly worried if she was in trouble. Dumbledore looked at her oddly, his blue eyes no longer twinkling.

"I understand that this is a very difficult time for you, Lily," he paused, tactfully looking away so she could compose her quickly shattering demeanor. "It pains me that I must be the one to be the bearer of bad news," he was looking at the stone floor now, and it occurred to Lily that Dumbledore truly didn't want to be the one giving her this news. "You see, your parents' will has been found, and though they split everything between you and your sister evenly—"

"Petunia has found some way to keep it all to herself?" Lily guessed, her tone completely indifferent. Dumbledore shook his head.

"I believe it was more of her, ah, fiancé's work, actually. Your sister, Miss Petunia, seemed to have fought for you."

"But it didn't work?"

"I'm afraid not." Dumbledore turned to look at her, his face unusually happy.

"So what does this mean, Professor? How am I supposed to pay for my things?" Lily asked, unable to hide the panic in her voice. Surprisingly, Dumbledore smiled widely. She wondered if he knew what he was being so cheerful about.

"All of that has been taken care of. First of all, I have spoken with the school governors and they have decided that you could stay at Hogwarts for the summer. Also, I have opened a Gringotts account for you." Lily shook her head frantically—she didn't want that!

"That's very kind of you, Professor, but—"

"All of that money is yours. I said that your sister was unable to get you your rightful share—I did not say that the cause was lost." He smiled widely, and Lily found herself smiling right back. He was an odd man, Dumbledore, but at the same time, he was one of the best people she knew.

"Thank you so much Professor. I really don't know how to repay all of your kindness," Lily gushed, and Dumbledore just chuckled merrily.

"Just maintain your wonderful grades, would you? I'd hate to see one of my prime Head Girl candidates do poorly," and with that, he walked away, his boots clanking on the stone as he walked. Lily stood, completely immobilized by what he had just said.

Prime candidate for Head Girl?

Her?

xxx

"You never asked him, did you?" Alice asked in a whisper, her eyes narrowed. James glared at her, unwilling to go through this conversation yet again. "You don't like her at all. You're just an idiot with a big head—"

"Shut up, Alice!" James finally hissed. He'd had enough. Remus didn't answer his letters, his dad was never home, Alice kept coming to _visit,_ and, to top it all off, he was _still_ having those dreams. All he wanted was to go back to Hogwarts—back to some sort of normality.

"You promised! How could you go back on it?" she demanded, her face growing red with anger. James stood abruptly, the cup of tea that his house-elf, Lexi, had poured fell to the floor and shattered.

"You know what, Alice? I hate her! I don't care about her, about anything you think, about anything in general! Just leave me alone!" He gave her one more glare for good measure before stomping off angrily.

There were very few things that James kept secret from his parents and friends. For example, he would never tell anyone about Remus. That was a secret he fully intended to take to his grave. James also never thought it worth mentioning that he didn't want to play Quidditch professionally. Not even Sirius had been let in on that secret.

He also had to hide his dreams, the annoyingly crisp and detailed dreams that had been driving him insane for almost two weeks. After all, who needed to know about his fears and worries? He didn't even want to know about them.

Of course, James' most well-kept secret, the one thing he took extra care to hide was his absolute dislike of his house and parents' lifestyle.

They were fortunate enough to have enough money that James would never need to work a day in his life—something that bothered James to no end. It wasn't because he actually enjoyed to work, or have to _earn_ a living, it was because it meant that his potential—his abilities—would never be tested. As his mother was fond of saying at the stupid get-togethers that he disliked attending, "James will live a life of luxury."

And yet, despite what Lily Evans deemed as an "arrogant, conceited" nature, James hated it all.

His house—if it could be called that—was obnoxiously large for no reason whatsoever. In all honesty, at times James felt as if he was King Louis of France, living in the Palace of Versailles. He half-expected his mother to say, "Let them eat cake."

But it wasn't just the house that bothered him. It was the social events, the money spent on things like a sixth grand piano—just to say that they 'had another one'—or the enormous chandeliers in rooms that were never even used.

"We have a status to uphold, James," his father used to say when James was younger, "and it must be upheld no matter what." And so James kept his mouth shut, pretending he enjoyed the meaningless talk, the expensive clothing, the fancy foods—oh, how much he preferred Hogwarts meals!—and the fact that nothing was ever expected of him beyond behaving himself.

And now, after so many years of building a façade, acting as if he actually cared whether or not the Minister's robes looked out of date, James couldn't handle it anymore. Walking out on Alice in the middle of one of his mother's so-called 'gatherings' was probably not a good idea.

"James Potter! How dare you say such thing to Ms. Collins?" his mother shrieked from behind him. James spun around to face her.

She was in her late-fifties, at least. Her hair was graying, and her hazel eyes were bright with anger. It was obvious that in her youth she had been a very pretty woman.

"I've had enough!" James yelled. "I don't want all this! Just—" he cut off as he saw the look on her face. "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize to her, or go back to that room." His mother didn't even respond, she just shook her head sadly and walked away, leaving James alone in the hall, wondering if he had overreacted.

**This chapter is kind of late, and that's totally my fault. When I was writing the part with James' dreams, I had the awesome idea to actually look up dreams that would mean what I was trying to get across. I got kind of distracted—I spent ages reading about them. And, as my friend said when I asked if I could interpret his dream, "Dream interpretation is an unreliable and inexact science. In other words, it's really fancy BS." But, if you're interested, the website is really cool. **

**Anyway, thank you to my awesome beta, to all those who read this and review, and for dream interpretation websites! Hope you liked it!**


	9. The Beginnings of Change

**Right, first off I'd like to apologize for how late this is. I tend to update much sooner, and the delay was totally my fault. Secondly, I'd like to thank my beta, In Love With Prongs, for editing. This would be terrible without her. **

**Oh, and a happy birthday to not only Harry Potter, but J.K. Rowling herself! **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! Please review! Seriously. Review. :) **

Chapter Nine- The Beginnings of Change

"You know, James, there's a reason that we ask you to behave in a certain way," his mother said as she sniffed the contents of the pot on the stove, prodding it with her wand, a creamy looking sauce pouring out of its tip. As was her custom, she was busy cooking their Christmas dinner, adamant that Lexi not touch a single thing. He loved this tradition of hers—it made her more human.

"I know, and frankly I'm tired of pretending."

"You're a Potter, James! You can't just decide that you don't care about protocol!" she told him as she threw a pinch of salt into the pot. James shook his head.

He wasn't cooking; his mother wouldn't allow that. Instead, he was in the kitchen to 'help' by tasting all the foods and giving his opinion. He didn't mind the job at all.

"Don't you get tired of it? Doesn't it get old?" James asked, eyeing his mother suspiciously. She sighed and sat down in the chair next to him, her eyes sad.

"It doesn't matter how I feel about the situation. I have to keep in mind that your father's reputation is at stake. If we don't adhere to all the social rules, people like the Malfoys, or the Blacks, will take advantage of it."

"Sirius is a Black, and he doesn't listen to his mother at all. Explain that."

"James, Sirius is different. The fact that he goes against his family is admirable." James laughed.

"You wouldn't say that if you were Walburga," he chuckled, noticing that his mother rolled her eyes.

"Yes, well, Walburga and I have never seen eye to eye. She's a vile woman," she said, shuddering. James grinned. "I just want you to realize that as the sole heir to the name Potter, as a pureblood, you need to behave in a certain way."

"But you don't agree with it?" he asked suddenly. She raised an eyebrow as she got up to check her turkey, waving her wand a few times over it.

"No, James. I don't. Personally, I think that blood has no bearing on who we are," she looked at him, suddenly stern, "yet that doesn't mean you have the right to do whatever you want!" James nodded quickly, afraid of his mother's anger.

"I'm sorry, I won't act out of line again," he muttered, and Dorea Potter grinned.

"Good. Now, go away, I need to work," she said, giving him a kiss on his cheek before ushering him away. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, James walked towards his bedroom, far happier than he had been earlier that morning.

Of course, he was still plagued by the stupid dreams, continuously unable to find Sirius, seeing Evans, and finally drowning. The only good part about the dumb thing was that he always woke up before he drowned; though he knew it was a dream, he wasn't in a hurry to die.

James had initially thought to discuss this dream problem with his mother, but she had had other discussions in mind. When she was in the mood, his mother was able to lecture for quite a while, and she didn't disappoint today. So, rather than finally let out all that he was feeling, James listened to why his father's reputation was important.

_He's the only pureblood in the Ministry who promotes muggle and muggle-born rights, James. _His mother's voice rang in his ears. James sighed, knowing that it wasn't true at all. There was the Prewetts, the Longbottoms, and the Collins. All three of those families fought for muggle rights, if admittedly not as much as the Potters. The thing was, his father had more connections, more power to bring about change than any other pro-muggle pureblood.

James frowned in distaste as he continued to walk.

XXX

"No, _he_ died in 1624, Ulger the _Brave _died in 1663," Lily explained patiently to Mary, who was chewing the quill in her mouth as she thought.

"You're saying that Ulger the Ugly isn't the same person as Ulger the Brave?"

"Exactly."

"Then why do they have the same names, for goodness sake?" Mary demanded, staring at her History of Magic essay with a furious expression, as if it had done her a personal wrong. Lily smiled.

"Muggles were the same. Not too original, I guess," she laughed, pushing her textbook away. They had been studying for hours in the library, Mary, in order to catch up, and Lily, because she needed something to do to keep her mind off her lonely holiday.

"I hate this class," Mary muttered after a few minutes of silence, her eyes screwed up in displeasure. "I mean, think about it, when will I never need to know about Ulger, the Ugly or the Brave?" Lily laughed as she searched for her Transfiguration essay.

"One day, when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere, and the only way you can get back home is to tell the odd little witch, who has your wand in her hand, what the difference between Ulger the Brave and Ulger the Ugly actually is, then you'll be glad you knew this," Lily said, reading over her essay to check for errors. She paused and looked up at Mary who was raising an eyebrow.

"Really, Lily? Really?" she asked, staring disbelievingly at her. Grinning, Lily nodded.

"Just you wait," she said seriously. Mary narrowed her eyes.

"I bet that you'll be the odd little witch with my wand," she said, the beginnings of a smile creeping onto her face. Lily shrugged.

"The point is, Mary, you never know. You may need this information one day in your life, and you'll be glad that you studied it."

"You're just trying to save face. You know this is pointless."

"You're bitter," Lily said after a pause, shaking her head at Mary, trying without success to ignore her laughter.

After that, they lapsed into silence, with Mary breaking it every few minutes by chuckling to herself and muttering, "Ulger, honestly." After the fourth time she did that, Lily looked up and glared at her friend.

"What's so funny?" she snapped, testy because she had found a major error in her homework. Mary grinned.

"What kind of name is Ulger anyway?" Lily groaned, but before she could answer, Sirius strolled over, and sat down next to them. Mary grinned at him. "Why, hello to you, too!" she said jovially. Sirius nearly growled at her.

"What's wrong, Sirius?" Lily asked quickly, before he could be rude to Mary.

"Nothing's wrong. What makes you think anything's wrong?" he snapped, leaning back in his chair, his hands crossed over his chest.

"Well, your gruff voice and horribly contorted face kind of gave it away," Mary said, unable to hide her chuckle.

"Shut up, MacDonald," Sirius said loudly.

"Make me, Black," Mary retorted, childishly sticking out her tongue. Sirius opened his mouth to answer Mary, but Lily shook her head quickly.

"How about we go for a walk, Sirius?" she suggested. He looked at her for a moment as if he was still sorely tempted to tell Mary exactly what was on his mind, but after several moments of silence, he nodded. "I'll see you back at the common room, Mary," Lily said, flashing the girl a smile before throwing her things in her bag.

"Yes, we'll finish our Ulger discussion later, shall we?" she said, barely containing her laughter. Sirius rolled his eyes, but he followed Lily out of the library without comment.

"So?"

"So what?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You're lying."

"How do you know?" he snapped, staring at her intently. Lily sighed as she shifted her bag slightly so it wouldn't dig into her shoulder as much.

"You wouldn't have come to see me if you didn't want to say something."

"Perhaps I just wanted to come and see you. After all, you're my only friend."

"You're being dramatic," she said, rolling her eyes. Sirius let out a mirthless bark of laughter.

"You think so? It's Christmas, and my three 'friends' sent back their presents, unopened," he said bitterly. Lily winced, trying to think of something to say.

"Um, perhaps it was an honest mistake?" she said slowly, smiling slightly.

"Oh yes, that's exactly it. That's why James' present came back with a note saying that he wanted nothing from a murderer."

"Well, that's not fair. You're not a murderer. I mean, Severus didn't die, did he? It's more like potential murderer." Sirius stopped and he turned to look at her with an incredulous look on his face. Lily blushed. "That came out completely wrong," she said, grinning widely at him, hoping he'd just let it slide.

"James is an idiot," Sirius muttered under his breath as he began to walk again, his strides so long that Lily had to run to catch up with him.

"I agree, Sirius. He had no right to send you that note," Lily panted, pulling on the sleeve of his robes to slow him down. Sirius snorted.

"He's an idiot for actually liking you."

"He doesn't like me, he's just wants attention," Lily snapped, narrowing her eyes dangerously, letting Sirius know that the conversation about James was over. "Anyway, did you like my present?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I've always wanted that book," he said sarcastically, but he was smiling.

XXX

"Now, James, behave yourself, you hear?" his mother said sternly, though it was obvious she was holding back a smile. James hugged her quickly and grinned.

"I always do," he laughed.

"Which is why I've gotten no less than two hundred letters from Professor McGonagall about you, right?" James nodded smartly. He turned to leave, but before he could, his mother grabbed his sleeve. "I don't know what happened between you and your friends, but whatever it is, I'm sure the four of you will sort it out." James stiffened slightly, but he didn't have the heart to tell his mother that she was incredibly wrong.

"I'm sure you're right," he said softly, giving her a quick smile before he boarded the train. He ambled past several compartments, searching for one that was completely empty; he had no patience for people just then.

The train ride was the worst he'd ever had. Throughout his time at Hogwarts, James had never been on the Hogwarts Express without Sirius, Remus, and Peter. He'd always been laughing, joking, and pranking with the other three, taking advantage of the lack of teachers and scarcity of authority figures. It was the first time he spent the whole of the trip staring outside the window, watching the trees as the train sped along.

For the first time, he didn't want to go back to Hogwarts.

Going back meant loneliness; it was easier to pretend nothing was wrong at home where he didn't have to see the others. At Hogwarts, he would be forced to confront the fact that the Marauders had broken apart. Sirius would be shunned, of course. Remus would present a constant struggle to get him to talk again. And Peter would continue to teeter indecisively, unaware of what had happened, and hurt that he too had no one.

As the train rolled to a gradual stop, James got up and stretched. He was just turning around to grab his owl's cage when he spotted Remus's head in the crowd. He nearly dropped Callie in his haste to get to him.

"Remus! Come on! Just wait!" James yelled, but Remus completely ignored him as he got into one of the horseless carriages that went up to the school. James cursed under his breath before pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

Christmas break had been completely awful, just as the stupid train ride had been awful; his father hadn't been home at all, and his mother, when she wasn't worrying about her husband, was locked up in her room, refusing to talk to anyone. Remus hadn't responded to a single letter, though he had sent his present from James back unopened, making James so angry that he did the same to Sirius. And Peter—well, James honestly couldn't say he had kept up with Peter. Suddenly, James' mood worsened. Even Peter hadn't written to him; who else was going to be mad at him?

Grumbling to himself, he ignored the carriages, instead walking up the path, wanting nothing more than to turn back time to before Sirius's prank, and wishing that he had his best friends back. He sighed as he trudged up the path, and for the first time since Sirius's big mistake, he wondered if he could forgive Sirius, and if Remus would forgive any of them.

His mother obviously hadn't known what she was talking about. It would take nothing less than a miracle to get them talking to each other again.

XXX

Sleep was overrated anyway, Lily thought as she pulled on her dressing gown and carefully walked down the steps to the common room.

She was tired—that much was certain. Her joints ached, her head was throbbing, her entire body was crying out for a bit of rest, but she just couldn't fall asleep. Perhaps it was the fact that the dormitory was filled again, everyone having returned from their holiday. Or maybe it was because of that fight she had with Kate, over why she didn't go to one of her best friend's houses for Christmas so she wouldn't be alone. Or even the steadfast silence that Remus had kept up for the past two days.

Of course, it could be that her body was just plain stupid.

"Why are you awake, Evans?" Lily jumped nearly a foot in the air at the voice, her heart beating incredibly fast. James Potter was sitting in one of the armchairs in front of the fire, still in his uniform, the bags beneath his eyes incredibly visible.

"You scared me," she muttered, ignoring the question as she went to sit down next to him, glad that she had the more comfortable armchair. James raised an eyebrow.

"Can't sleep?"

"No, I just enjoy staying awake all night, thus being absolutely exhausted the next day. I do it for fun," she deadpanned, relishing the blush that crept into his cheeks.

"Really? You too? And here I was thinking it was just me," he said, salvaging the situation somewhat. Lily rolled her eyes. James paused for a moment before sighing and leaning forward, his elbows propped up on his knees, his head in his hands. "I'd do anything to sleep right now," he muttered.

"You look tired enough to pass out. Why don't you just go to sleep?"

"Because of my stupid dreams. I've been having the same one for ages." Lily nodded knowledgeably, though she knew very little about dreams.

"Perhaps your subconscious is trying to say something to you?" she suggested, shocked when his head shot up, his eyes wide.

"What d'you mean?" he asked quickly. Lily frowned slightly.

"Well, sometimes, when you have the same dream over and over again, it means your subconscious is…sort of warning you. Don't you take Divination? Wouldn't you already know what the dream means?"

"I know what means," James snapped, his eyes narrowing dangerously. "But it's stupid."

"Is it about Sirius?" Lily asked softly, this time not surprised by his look of shock.

"What do you know?" he snapped when he had finally gotten over his surprise. Lily said nothing for several minutes, choosing to stare at her hands instead. When she finally looked up, she gave James a pitying look.

"You've been dreaming about Sirius because you feel guilty," she paused, looking thoughtful, "which, for you, is a big deal, isn't it?" James narrowed his eyes, though he didn't seem angry.

"Oh, you're funny, aren't you?" he said, rolling his eyes. Lily smiled slightly, pulling her knees up to her chin.

"All I'm saying is that you're blaming yourself for the whole incident."

"Sirius lured Snape to the Willow! Not me! He's the one at fault!" James cried, jumping to his feet. Lily shook her head.

"You're mad at Sirius because you hate that he's making you feel guilty," Lily said patiently. "Perhaps it's because you think you could have stopped him from doing what he did, or maybe that you think that you're the one who—I don't know—made him the way he is," she looked at him questioningly, shrugging, "but the fact of the matter is that you _feel guilty_." Lily smiled at the expression on James' face, something between understanding and awe.

"You're good at this analyzing stuff. Get a lot of practice, huh?" James muttered, collapsing back into his chair. Lily stood, yawning as she did so.

"Didn't you know? I spend all my free time giving counseling," she said, patting James on the shoulder, ignoring his snort. "Anyway, good night, Potter. And remember what I said, yeah?" Without waiting for a response, she walked back up to her dormitory, hoping to finally get some rest.

XXX

Before Sirius's prank on Snape, he would have been the first person James ran to when he had something he wanted to say. If Sirius was unavailable, Remus made a wonderful replacement. Even Peter would have worked for him. However, now, James had no one to run to with his exciting news. Other than his three best friends, no one else knew that he truly did like Lily Evans, and so no one else would understand the importance of the conversation he had just had with her.

No arguing. A pat on the shoulder. And a smile, one that she probably didn't even notice she had on her face as she walked up the stairs to her dormitory. James grinned widely as he thought of that smile. It was something he desperately wanted to tell his friends. But he couldn't.

Sighing, James trudged up to his dormitory, smiling at Frank's familiar snores, Remus's heavy breathing, and Peter's occasional snorts. He could always tell he was home just by listening to the noises at night.

"How long, James?" Sirius said suddenly, and rather loudly, as James reached his bed. James ignored him completely, causing Sirius to let out a cold laugh. "I can understand Remus's anger. Imagine how he must feel: betrayed, upset, and perhaps even completely abandoned. But you? I can't understand you."

"Shut up, Black!" James snarled, holding his wand tightly in his hand. The snores stopped, as did the heavy breathing and the snorts.

"You know why I can't understand you? I would have stood by your side no matter what. I would have supported you, would have made sure you had someone to lean on. Because you're my brother—"

"Shut up!"

"—but obviously, that's not what we are," Sirius said, continuing as if he hadn't heard the interruption. "Perhaps I've been fooling myself. I always thought that even though I had no proper family, at least I had it here, at Hogwarts. But I was wrong."

"You don't deserve a family!" James yelled. He felt, rather than saw, Remus, Peter and Frank come stand behind him, as if prepared to grab him if he became violent.

"James, you don't mean that…that's enough," Frank said quietly in his ear, causing Peter to nod quickly.

"No! No! He needs to know!" James turned to Sirius, his eyes narrowed in anger. "You're a Black, through and through! You don't belong in Gryffindor!" Sirius jumped up, his wand in his hand, and he pushed past Frank who was trying to restrain him.

"You think so?" he snarled, and James smirked.

"I know so."

For just a moment, barely a second, there was something on Sirius's face—something between shock, disappointment, and a shattering, as if he had completely broken down—and then it was gone, his features masked into stoniness. Even his eyes had grown hard and blank.

"Right," he muttered, turning around and grabbing his trunk and stuffing his things into it with more force than necessary. "Right," he said again, louder. Everyone was silent, obviously not understanding what was going on. It was Remus who caught on first.

"Wait, Sirius, what are you doing?" he asked, grabbing Sirius's arm. James nearly growled.

"Let him go! Or have you forgotten what he's done?" he yelled, pointing his wand straight at Sirius, a bright flash appearing in the darkness. Remus, however, ignored James thoroughly.

"Sirius, come on, where will you go? You need to finish school, you can't just leave!" Sirius looked up, and to James' ultimate surprise, he saw a single tear rolling down Sirius's face. It was the absolute first time he'd seen him cry. That was just not something Sirius Black did.

"Right," Sirius said quietly, flicking his wand sharply, sweeping out of the dormitory with his trunk trailing behind him in the air. Remus turned to James, anger shining brightly in his eyes.

"You had no right to tell him such a thing! This was my battle, my problem with Sirius!"

"He needed to know the truth!" James yelled, glaring at Remus.

"The truth? You think that's the truth? One mistake makes him as bad as Bellatrix? Damn it, James! I wasn't angry at him, so what right do you have to be?" Without waiting for a response, he grabbed his dressing gown, and ran out of the dormitory, Frank and Peter hot on his heels.

James just walked over to his bed, and kicked his trunk open. He dug through it to find the map, wanting to glance at it to see if he could find Sirius or the others. But before he could, a package fell out of his trunk and opened as it landed on the ground. It was a pair of brand new Chaser gloves. He picked it up, reading the note attached to it.

_James, even though you can't play to save your life, I thought I'd waste the galleons for you anyway. Happy Christmas!_

_~ Sirius_

James smiled slightly despite himself. Sirius had joked about his abilities since he first got on the team, back in second year. Sighing slightly, and without bothering to wonder how the present had gotten into his trunk, James put the gloves on the stand next to his bed, and he closed his eyes, realizing far too late his mistake.

XXX

"I don't get it, you're actually _defending_ her?" Kate snapped from down the table, speaking loud enough that everyone could hear her. Alice tried shushing her friend, but it seemed to Remus that she was fighting a lost cause. "I mean, she _lied_ to the both of us. I distinctly remember her telling us she was staying with Petunia for Christmas."

"You're being silly, Kate," Alice said with exasperation, her voice laced with a warning that Kate either decided to ignore, or just plain didn't hear.

"Silly? I'm being silly? She has you and me, but instead she decides to spend the holidays alone at Hogwarts!" Kate yelled, causing half the table to turn around and look at her.

"She wasn't alone! She had me and Sirius!" Mary said indignantly. Remus sipped his tea thoughtfully.

After James' argument with Sirius, they had found themselves in the headmaster's office, trying to explain why they were up so late, and why Sirius had his trunk with him. Frank, a stickler for the rules, had been so upset that he had nearly burst into tears right there in Dumbledore's office.

Of course, the headmaster had adamantly refused to allow Sirius to leave, instead offering him a separate dormitory until 'things went back to normal.' And, unfortunately, all four of them were assigned detention.

Then again, even though the previous night had been eventful, it was nothing compared to the fiasco of the morning. Kate and Lily had a blazing row very early, waking up nearly all of Gryffindor tower, and still, even several hours later, Kate was continuing to steam over the argument.

For his part, Remus hadn't talked to anyone. He avoided Peter and Frank, and then decided against searching for Lily. After all, she wouldn't want a monster to comfort her. So he contented himself with listening to Kate.

"Shut up, Mary. No one asked for your opinion."

"Well, that's too bad, because if you're so thick that you can't understand why your friend wanted to be alone, then—"

"Then what? Huh, Mary? You going to throw pictures of Black at me?" Kate said, and several people at the table laughed. Much to Remus's surprise, Mary didn't even blush.

"One day, when you lose someone very dear to you, you'll understand," she snapped, looking at Kate with disgust. She stood, and stalked off, her hair bouncing behind her.

"We're her friends! She needs to talk to us, not shut us out!" Kate exclaimed, and Alice nodded quickly, shushing her at the same time.

"Lily's stubborn, I know, but you have to admit—" But Remus stopped listening. Instead, he watched as the redhead herself walked over and sat smartly down, pulling a plate of toast towards her. Everyone in the vicinity who had listened to Kate's ranting watched her butter her toast and add ample amounts of jam in silence. Finally, after draining her tea, she looked up and smiled at them all, most brightly at Kate.

"Oh, please, do continue. I'd hate that such an invigorating conversation was ended because of me, yes?" She let out a small laugh, something that sounded rather hollow to Remus, then she swung her bag over her shoulder, and cheerfully waved before walking off. Remus paused only a second before dashing after her.

"Lily! Lily, wait!" he called, his eyes honed in on her red hair. Lily slowed a little, but she didn't stop.

"What do you think Slughorn will assign today, Remus," she asked in that same falsely cheery voice. "I hope it's nothing too difficult. I honestly don't think I could concentrate today. I'm far too exhausted."

"Lily, you alright?" he asked, grabbing her arm. Lily looked down at her wrist, as if surprised someone was holding it. Then she looked up.

"If the four of you, the four greatest friends anyone ever saw, could fall apart, then why does this come as a surprise?" she asked quietly. Remus frowned, and he leaned down so he could look into her eyes.

"What happened between us is different, Lily. Kate's just upset that you didn't trust her, she'll get over it," he said kindly, smiling gently.

"And what about you? When are you going to get over your issues?"

"What?"

"When are you going to realize that what happened that night wasn't your fault? That you've done nothing wrong? When are you going to forgive Sirius for taking advantage of your condition, and realize that he never intended to hurt you?" Remus shook his head quickly.

"If I wasn't a monster, then none of this would have happened!"

"You're not a monster! You're…someone with a problem, yes, but not a monster! You're the smartest person I know, you're kind, and respectful. You never hold grudges, and you're always ready to help. Come on, Remus, does that sound anything like a monster to you?" Lily said angrily, her eyes blazing.

"I'm a werewolf, Lily! A werewolf!" he hissed, for the first time feeling his own anger. She snorted, and shrugged.

"And when have any of us cared about that?" she asked, shaking her head sadly.

XXX

"Vanishing objects is part of some of the most difficult magic you will learn this year. You've already managed to Vanish small inanimate objects, but today you'll find that the task will be much more difficult." McGonagall stared at them all, her eyes stern.

In front of each of them was a raven, which to James, didn't seem at all happy to be there. If anything, the bird acted as if it knew exactly what was coming, and it kept fidgeting.

"You all know the wand motion and incantation, so get to work!" McGonagall called, beginning to move around the class. James stared at his raven for a moment, then he grinned at it.

"What does it feel like to be Vanished?" he asked it in a whisper. The bird turned a single eye to him, giving him a beady glare. "Ah, the silent treatment, huh? Don't worry, I'm used to it by now," he told the bird.

"Mr. Potter, are you talking to the raven?" James looked up, shocked to see McGonagall staring at him oddly, as if she was honestly worried about his well-being. He smiled awkwardly.

"No, Professor, not at all!" he said, trying to ignore the laughter of the rest of the class.

"Are you quite all right, Mr. Potter?" she asked worriedly, making James wonder why she was making such a big deal out of talking to a bird. After all, people talked to their owls all the time. "Do you want to go to Madame P—"

"I'm fine, Professor McGonagall! I promise you."

"James isn't crazy, Professor! He's just a bit odd," Sirius called out from next to Lily. The class burst into laughter once more, and even James had to work at keeping a straight face. If he was honest with himself, he missed his best friend. Perhaps it was time to find that miracle, to fix everything up.

And inexplicably, his eyes strayed towards Lily.


	10. To Kiss Potter Twice

**So, guys, I'm using some direct quotes from the seventh book in this chapter, and while I'm incredibly nervous about using Rowling's own words in this (How could **_**I**_** do her work justice?), it was necessary. I'm sure you'll all recognize where I'm quoting Rowling. It's from Chapter 33, 'The Prince's Tale' from **_**Deathly Hallows**_** pgs 673-674, American version. I hope I didn't massacre it too bad!**

**Once again, thank you so much to In Love With Prongs for editing this chapter, and answering my questions!**

**Also, to respond to a review by lovehorses13: Thank you so very much for reviewing and also for pointing out the thing with James, but, as far as I know, that's not right. In the first **_**movie**_**, James Potter is said to be a Seeker. And of course, Rowling herself has said in interviews that James was a Chaser. But please, if you can give me the page number from the first book where it says that James is a Seeker, I'll go back and change his position right away. I do love to stick to the books, after all. **

**And please, PLEASE, review! Honestly, they make my day, and I'd love to hear what you're thinking about the story! **

Chapter Ten- To Kiss Potter…Twice

Peter was the type of person who patiently waited until a problem passed. He liked to keep his distance, worrying that if he got involved in anything, then he was the one with his neck on the line.

This manner of thinking had managed to keep him clear of many of James and Sirius's arguments over the years. In third year, he had kept up a stony silence for three weeks, refusing to comment when he was asked if he thought James was girly, even though James offered him unlimited Honeydukes to say that he wasn't girly, and Sirius offered not to punch him if he said yes.

Then, just last year, Peter steered clear of the other three boys when Remus was enraged that Sirius had stolen his wand for a prank, causing him to have a week's worth of detention. James hadn't done anything directly, but Peter knew better than risk fighting with any of them.

Of course, even Peter had to admit that enough was enough. Sirius had left their dormitory, Remus talked to no one but Evans, and James always seemed on the verge of blowing up in anger. They all seemed so…lost.

For someone as quiet as he was, people didn't quite expect anything of him. He was in the others' shadow because he preferred it there, not because he didn't have the ability to shine. He was more protected in the back scene. After all, he was intelligent enough to become an Animagus, not requiring too much help from the two other boys. He had made good marks throughout his time at Hogwarts—nothing like James, Sirius, or Remus, but above average.

Peter wasn't stupid; he knew when to shut up and blend into the background, and he knew when to step up. And he knew that it was time to step up.

He had only just found out what had happened before the Christmas holidays; Lily had been kind enough to let him know everything. Peter found it odd that James and Sirius hadn't realized what needed to be done.

The thing was, they assumed that Remus was angry at them, but in reality, that was far from the truth. For the first time ever, it was Peter with the answers, and he intended to be the one who solved the problem.

XXX

"So, you want to talk to me _now?_" Lily asked scathingly, her eyes narrowed. Severus smiled weakly, mumbling something under his breath as he looked around him. Lily had to work very hard to stop her eyes from rolling at this action. Even now, after all the apologies for not talking to her for a while—since Mary's attack, honestly—he didn't have the decency not to worry about other Slytherins watching him.

Of course, he had no reason to worry. The castle courtyard was completely empty.

"You were the one upset with me! Besides, I thought we were supposed to be friends. Best friends?" He gave her a significant look, like the fact that they were best friends meant that everything should be forgiven between the two of them. She suppressed her sigh.

"We _are_, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging round with! I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! _Mulciber!_ What do you see in him, Sev, he's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary MacDonald the other day?" She leaned against a pillar, suddenly feeling very tired; after all, hadn't it been Mulciber who had taunted her about her parents? Severus seemed a little wary, but he tried waving it off.

"That was nothing," he said quickly. "It was a laugh, that's all—"

"It was Dark Magic, and if you think that's funny—" she began to say hotly, her anger getting the better of her. The nerve of him! He knew that she had known about his spell, and yet he was defending himself. Severus seemed to sense he was in dangerous waters however, and stopped her.

"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" he demanded, his pale skin flooding with color. It was quite obvious that Severus's dislike for Potter rivaled her own. Lily frowned at the question, finding it very odd that he'd ask such a thing.

"What's Potter got to do with anything?" she asked.

"They sneak out at night," he said with satisfaction, like he was about to shock Lily. "There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?" Lily's blood suddenly ran cold. Severus had sworn to Dumbledore to never speak of Remus's condition! Sirius had made that clear when he had told her what had happened.

"He's ill," she said, hoping her voice didn't give her away. "They say he's ill—"

"Every month at the full moon?" he questioned.

"I know your theory," she said coolly. She knew it very well. After all, Severus wasn't stupid; he had suspected that Remus was a werewolf for almost a year. She pushed away all her thoughts, focusing on driving Severus away from such a dangerous topic. "Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?" she said, hoping she sounded nonchalant. She didn't want to be obvious.

"I'm just trying to show you that they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are." Whatever answer Lily had expected, it hadn't been that. This was literally Severus admitting that he was jealous. She stared into his eyes, surprised by the intensity of his gaze. There was something very odd in his look, and she blushed.

"They don't use Dark Magic, though," she said a little quieter, just having noticed a single Ravenclaw walking past them. "And you're being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever's down there—" For a moment, she thought she said too much. Not many knew about what happened, after all. But if Severus was surprised by her knowledge, he didn't show it. In fact, he focused on something else entirely.

"Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to—I won't let you—" But what he wasn't going to let her do, she never found out. For the first time in ages, Lily felt enraged.

"_Let _me? _Let _me?" she said, her voice dangerous, her eyes narrowed. She didn't care that he was her best friend; she didn't care that other than Severus, she had no one to keep her sane over the holidays; she didn't care that he had paled and seemed completely aware of his mistake. She was about to tell him exactly what was on her mind,—that no one dared tell Lily Evans what to do—but he didn't let her.

"I didn't mean—I just don't want to see you made a fool of—He fancies you, James Potter fancies you!" She felt her eyebrows shoot up her forehead. If Severus was saying it, if he was admitting it, then… "And he's not…everyone thinks…big Quidditch hero—"

"I know James Potter's an arrogant toerag," she said, interrupting him. "I don't need you to tell me that. But Mulciber's and Avery's idea of humor is evil. _Evil_, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them." She knew, from the stupid look on his face, that he hadn't really listened to her. She began to walk away, Severus keeping up with her, her mind not on anything that he was saying now, but rather what had been said earlier.

Severus had said it too, now. Not just Mary, Alice, Sirius, and Remus, but Severus. And Sev would never dare say such a thing if he wasn't sure it was true.

But she didn't want it to be true, and that firmly settled the matter in her mind.

XXX

It was becoming quite the showdown. His eyes were watering, he felt twitchy, he was utterly tense, and yet he knew that his opponent was in for the long haul.

Sometimes Peter surprised him more than he'd like to admit.

Remus didn't want to continue the staring contest, but he knew he had to. After all, it was in the Code.

The blasted, idiotic, and completely pointless Code of the Marauders was created in the first week of first year. It covered everything they had found to be important at the time, which was probably why number one in the Code was that, 'No Marauder Shall Steal Sweets From Another Marauder.'

Over time, the Code had changed. After James, Sirius, and Peter had discovered about his Lycanthropy, they had added a clause that stated that, 'No Marauder Shall Be Judged Based On Afflictions.' A few weeks later, James had scribbled in that, 'Marauders Must Do Everything In Power To Aid Other Marauders.'

Of course, one of the most idiotic things in the Code was clause nineteen, or, 'Any Marauder Challenged To A Staring Match Must Comply Or Else Risk Total Humiliation.' And so, Remus had no choice but to sit across from Peter and try as hard as he could not to blink.

"Getting tired, Lupin?" Peter asked, and Remus grinned.

"You wish, Pettigrew." There was a pause, and then Peter gave Remus this smile that chilled the werewolf to the bone—it was the smile of someone who had just lured you into their trap.

"I invoke the Spoils Law," he said, his voice dripping with satisfaction. Remus's eyes widened.

"You can't do that! Any and all deals must be made prior to the beginning of the Staring Match! You can't just make up—"

"But you know, as well as I know, that the Spoils Law is above that. I can invoke it whenever I want, and a deal must be struck," Peter interrupted. Remus narrowed his eyes.

"Name your stupid terms," he snapped, thinking that the look on Peter's face seemed familiar.

"Right. If you win, you get to cast the hex that's running through your mind right now on me," he paused and winced. _Yes, Peter,_ Remus thought with malice,_ the Stinging Hex rather hurts, doesn't it?_ "If _I_ win," Peter continued, "then you tell me exactly why you're not talking to Sirius or James, and me, for that matter." Remus glared at Peter for a moment, then he nodded.

Suddenly, he realized why the look was familiar. It was the look James got when he was about to win a game. Peter leaned forward and snapped his fingers right in front of Remus's face, causing him to blink.

"Hey! That's not fair, you cheated!" he said loudly, standing up. Peter grinned.

"You should have laid out a set of rules before the start of the match. Otherwise everything was valid," he said smugly. The fool had managed to make him a fool, Remus thought vaguely.

"You are a conniving person, you know that?" Peter just shrugged, an obvious motion for Remus to go through with his side of the deal. Remus sat back down and sighed deeply.

"They think I'm angry, but I'm not," he stopped and looked at Peter carefully. The normally slow boy nodded intelligently, his eyes sparking with understanding.

"You're scared." Remus felt his eyes widen in shock. "Scared that you're going to hurt someone. You think that if you distance yourself from others then you'll never be in the position to hurt someone."

"Peter, I—"

"You think you're a monster." Peter continued, matter of factly. "But you're not. And Remus, you need us," Peter said before standing and giving him a wide smile. Remus watched him walk away feeling as if he was missing something. Lily was cheerful—almost oddly so—Peter was making sense (something that was worrying), James hadn't made a stupid comment in quite a while, and Sirius was smiling oddly at him whenever he passed.

He was _definitely_ missing something.

XXX

"_Expecto patronum!_" she hissed. To her utter dismay, nothing but a small wisp escaped her wand's tip. "You know what? I don't care that you're not working anyway," she muttered, narrowing her eyes distastefully at her wand.

"Evans, what in the world are you doing?" Lily twirled around, not only shocked that she had been found, but also that it was James Potter who had found her. Then again, perhaps the latter wasn't too surprising. After all, James did have a tendency to wander around the castle past curfew.

"Nothing!" she said defensively. She hadn't meant to say it, she actually wanted to yell at him for being out after hours, but she felt that it would be a bit hypocritical of her.

"Were you…talking to your wand?" he asked, staring at her with wide eyes, ignoring the stupid glasses that were sliding down the bridge of his nose. Lily let out a snort, as if she had never heard such a idiotic thing in her life, but her heart was beating erratically.

"What d'you want, Potter?" she snapped, wishing his eyes would go back to their normal size. Wasn't he the one found talking to a bird, for goodness sake? James blinked several times before shaking his head, seemingly out of a daze.

"I wanted to ask you a favor," he said slowly, looking straight into her eyes. Lily didn't even pause to think.

"No."

"What! You don't even know what it is! How can you just say no?" he demanded, finally shoving his glasses up to where it belonged.

"Because it's you. I don't do favors for James Potter," she said with a satisfied smile. He frowned at her.

"But you helped me out the other night. You know, the dream thing?"

"Oh, don't flatter yourself, Potter. I was trying to convince you to talk to Sirius again. It had nothing to do with you." James nodded, scratching his chin absentmindedly.

"Okay then…so all I need you to do is lure Sirius to the Gryffindor common room this Saturday morning. It shouldn't be too hard," James said with a slight smile that irked her endlessly. She narrowed her eyes again, though this time she wasn't focused on her wand.

"What part of 'no' don't you get? Were you hit in the head as a child?" she demanded, hoping he'd understand her glare and leave her alone. James, however, seemed a bit too thick to take notice of how her grip was tightening around her wand.

"Actually, when I was five, I fell off my balcony and landed on my head. It was the first time I showed magic, and—" Lily shook her head in annoyance and interrupted him.

"Look, as fascinating as your life story sounds, I honestly can't say I want to hear any of it. So, if you don't mind, I'm leaving."

"Please, Lily! Please convince him to be there!" James pleaded. She sighed.

"There's a Quidditch match this Saturday. Why in the world would he want to give up watching the game?"

"Well, it's Ravenclaw versus Slytherin," he said as if that should be explanation enough. Lily gave him a bewildered look. "I mean, it's not Gryffindor."

"Right. So only games that Gryffindor are in are worth seeing, huh?" she asked sarcastically. If he noticed it, he completely ignored her tone.

"Exactly. It took you longer than most Gryffindors, but at least you got it!"

"Just talking to you makes me feel as if I'm getting stupider," she said, rubbing her temples. James grinned widely.

"That's good then! Intelligence is overrated." Lily closed her eyes, forcing a smile on her face. She hated talking to him. She hated hearing his voice. She hated _him_.

"If I do this favor for you, you'll leave me alone?" she asked, and James nodded quickly.

"Yes!"

"So no more dramatic ways of asking me out at breakfast, or the love letters that I've started getting? You'll stop?"

"In a manner of speaking."

"In a manner of speaking?"

"Well, it can't possibly be permanent!" Lily held up her hands in defeat.

"How long of a respite do I get?" she asked him, hoping for at least a month, but she knew Potter better than that. Two weeks. He'd give her two weeks.

"Two weeks." Lily smiled, for the strangest reason that she couldn't even explain, feeling a certain satisfaction that she was right—that she'd known him well enough to guess exactly what he'd say.

"Deal," she said, sticking her hand out.

"You-also-need-to-kiss-me-at-least-once-this-year!" James said quickly, grabbing her hand before she could move away. He grinned triumphantly.

Lily was only shocked for a moment.

"Potter! I'm going to kill you!" she yelled, not caring that anyone could have heard her, and pelted after a James Potter who was running as fast as he could while letting out some sort of maniacal laughter.

XXX

He must have died.

Or he was still dreaming.

Things like this just normally didn't happen. The girl you were currently infatuated with—who hated you, by the way—just didn't walk over and kiss you full on the mouth. Things like that just don't happen.

It didn't make any sense. She had walked smartly over, and he had been so sure she was about to hex him so bad that he'd be in the hospital wing for weeks before beginning to regain any semblance to his original self.

"Evans," he had said, staring at her hands, waiting for the moment the wand flew out. But the girl did the one thing that he wouldn't have expected in a million years.

She kissed him.

And of course, in a moment of pure Jamesness, rather than capitalizing on the situation, he had become literally frozen, unable to think or move. She quickly pulled away, gave him a small smile and a pat, and then muttered, "We shook on it, remember?" before walking quickly away towards Charms.

Leaving James standing there, listening to Sirius's raucous laugher from behind him, wondering why his stomach kept flopping, and why in the _world_, he still couldn't move.

XXX

"Don't you dare laugh," Lily warned, staring at Mary furiously. She had just finished relating her encounter with James the previous night, and it was obvious that the other girl was fighting hard to keep from laughing.

"He made you shake on it? So, morally, you feel as if you can't refuse!" Mary laughed, and Lily threw a bit of her toast at her before smiling shyly.

"James Potter thinks he has the upper hand, but he doesn't realize there's many kinds of kissing," Lily said, sipping her tea with great satisfaction. Mary raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? What d'you have in mind?"

"Well, I could kiss him on the cheek, give him a quick peck on the lips, or perhaps an air kiss?" Mary's eyes widened.

"James has no idea who he is messing with," she commented, digging into her bacon as she laughed wholeheartedly. Lily opened her mouth to respond, but at that moment, Alice and Kate walked over and sat across from Mary and herself.

"Good morning you two!" Alice said cheerfully. Kate said nothing at all. Lily faked a smile, suddenly feeling very angry, and burning to do something insane. Perhaps it was fate that James Potter chose that moment to walk into the Great Hall, or perhaps it was sheer dumb luck, because the moment Lily spotted him, she stood and strolled carelessly over.

"Evans?" he said warily, looking at her hands as if she might pull out her wand and hurt him. For a moment, Lily was tempted to do just that—it'd vent her feelings well enough. However, suddenly, as she looked James in the eye, she didn't have the heart. The desire to be completely spontaneous was still there, but not the wish to hurt Potter.

So she kissed him.

Obviously, she had spent too much time with him. He had successfully made her completely addled, just by talking. Lily Evans wasn't stupid enough to actually _want_ to kiss James. That was silly.

She had a comment ready—one of those scathingly brilliant comments she was famous for—to make James wish he had never messed with her, but once again, as she looked into his eyes after quickly pulling away from the kiss, her plans failed her.

She _smiled_ at him. And then _patted_ his arm.

"We shook on it, remember?" she said in a whisper, and before she could do anything else stupid, she fled.

To class.

XXX

"I thought James Potter was an arrogant toerag," Severus hissed from next to her. She could feel his eyes on her, but Lily didn't look up from the potion they were supposed to be working on together.

The day had been a total fiasco, really. After her bout of insanity, she endured endless taunts in Charms, then again in Herbology, and now had to deal with the Slytherins in a double Potions lesson. The only respite she'd had all day was lunch, when she had managed to sneak to the kitchens and stay there for the entire hour.

"James Potter _is_ an arrogant toerag," Lily said calmly, adding armadillo bile to the potion, making it fizz and turn an interesting purple. She stared at her textbook, wondering if it was the exact shade that it was supposed to be.

"But you _kissed_ him, Lily! Why did you _kiss_ him?" Severus said a little loudly, causing Slughorn to look up at them with a raised eyebrow.

"My two most talented students aren't arguing are they?" he chuckled, giving them a knowing look. Lily suppressed her desire to wrinkle her nose in distaste and instead flipped the page of her textbook. Slughorn had good intentions, she told herself. He didn't know what he was talking about, that's all.

The satisfied look on Severus's face didn't help at all.

"It was a deal. It had to be done," she muttered, lying through her teeth. Mary had said something about denying what she truly felt, and Alice had bluntly pointed out that all her stress was making her loopy. Personally, Lily thought that Alice had gotten it right.

After all, only insane people kiss the person they dislike.

Right?

"Why are you doing this, Lily? Are you trying to distance yourself from me?" he said, looking at her with a grave expression.

"I don't understand, Sev. Why would my kissing Potter matter so much to you anyway?" she said, already knowing the answer and dreading what he'd say.

"It's just—you know how I feel about him—I don't like him, Lily! Why can't you respect that?" he said. Lily's eyes narrowed. Suddenly, at that moment, she hated everything about her best friend—from his greasy hair, to his sallow face, and his dirty robes.

"How dare you?" she hissed, looking away from her potion for the first time. "I told you time and time again that I _detest_ Mulciber and Avery, and yet, not _once_ have you respected _me." _Severus's mouth opened and closed several times, his eyes widening, but Lily wasn't done. She'd had enough of this. It was time for him to choose a side. "Listen, and listen well, Severus. You do not have the right to tell me who I can be friends with and who I can't. You do not have the right to tell me to stay away from someone because you don't like them." Severus regained some of the color that he had been losing over the course of her rant.

"You tell me that I shouldn't be friends with Mulciber and Avery!" he snapped.

"Because they practice Dark Magic, Sev! The only reason you've given me for staying away from Mary is that she's not worthy, and that James Potter _fancies_ me! You need to have good reasons to ask me to stay away from someone!" She looked at him carefully, before stirring the potion in front of her. "You keep calling yourself my best friend, but you haven't acted like it in ages," she said softly.

And for the rest of class, they worked in silence.

XXX

"You kissed me," he said looking at her carefully to gauge her reaction. She just looked up and blinked wearily.

"Yes, I did," she said, going back to her work.

It was late, and James hadn't been able to sleep, so he decided to go down to the empty common room, perhaps sneak to the kitchens, when he saw her sitting at a table, furiously scribbling something.

"Why?" he asked, sitting down next to her, ignoring the flash in her eyes. Instead, he waited patiently as she finished writing her answer to one of the questions McGonagall had set them.

"Because we shook on it."

"Yes, but there were plenty of loopholes! You could have gotten away with an air kiss!" he exclaimed, and Lily finally looked up. There was something different about her eyes. In the beginning of the year, they had seemed so…sad. Then, after her parents' death, her eyes seemed dead. But now they were glowing with something…something that he couldn't quite name. She smiled slightly.

"Yes, well, I guess I didn't think of that," she said, and James snorted.

"Please, Mary says that it was the first thing you thought of."

"You know, Mary has a rather big mouth, don't you think?" Lily muttered, causing James to laugh.

"She says that I shouldn't get my hopes up, though." The comment had the reaction he was looking for. Lily stared at him with wide eyes, and an incredulous expression, as if she didn't believe that Mary would say such a thing. "Mary says that over the past few months, your life has turned into a whirlwind far beyond your control, and seeing Kate made you finally snap and wish you could have at least a semblance of being in charge." He said all this really fast before pausing to take a breath and continuing. "Mary says that you kissing me was an attempt to make yourself feel as if you are in control, and that it has nothing to do with feelings. And at this point, she told me not to get my hopes up because, 'Lily is a stubborn idiot who would argue that a wall wasn't in front of her even if she was ramming against it every time she walked forward.'" He had put on a high pitched voice at the end, obviously trying to imitate Mary, but he wasn't too sure about how well it worked, because Lily was just staring at him with a confused look.

"Okay," she said after a while, that glazed expression slowly going away. James grinned widely.

"Anyway, the point of all this is that I'm completely willing to participate in any and all attempts to feel as if you're in control of your own life. You know, as long as they involve a kiss." He gave her a hopeful look, thinking she was about to either hit him or make fun of him, but she did neither. She _smiled_.

"I'll keep that in mind, Potter," she said, shaking her head with amusement. For the life of him, he couldn't understand the reaction. Why wasn't she hurting him? Before he could say anything else, though, Lily stood and yawned in a manner that said it was obviously fake. "Goodnight then," she said cheerfully, and she left him, for the second time that day, completely frozen, _and this time she hadn't even kissed him._

James looked at his watch and he realized something very important.

At 11:47 on Thursday, January 17, 1975, he absolutely, without a single shred of doubt, knew that he had feelings for Lily Evans.

And at 11:48 on Thursday, January 17, 1975, he banged his head against the table with the realization that she'd _never _return those feelings.

"Is this karma?" he called out to the empty room. "For all those times I hexed random people as they passed?" He wasn't expecting an answer, but one of the sleeping portraits above him opened one eye and nodded.

"I think that would be a rather safe assumption," the oddly dressed man said.

"Oh, shut up!"

XXX

"I hear you have a lot to say about the 'incident,'" Lily said, grabbing a pillow and smacking Mary on the head with it. Mary let out a fake snore, but Lily ignored it. She smacked her again, this time with a little more force. Finally realizing that Lily wasn't to be deterred, Mary put on a great show of being rudely awakened, before giving Lily a glare.

"What d'you want, you ugly Ulger?" she snapped, ruining the effect by grinning slightly.

"What's all this nonsense you told James?"

"Oh, so now he's James, huh?"

"Mary!"

"Lily!" Mary countered, a little too loudly, causing Alice to wake up and rub her eyes.

"What's going on?" she said sleepily, and Mary laughed.

"Lily's upset that I told James she isn't interested in him," Mary laughed, dodging the pillow that was sent her way. "She wants to go snog him senseless!"

"Really?" Alice exclaimed, suddenly quite awake. "That's wonderful news! Oh, I'm so happy for you, Lil!"

"No, no, no! Mary's lying! Don't listen to her, Alice!" Lily managed to say between all the giggles the two girls seemed unable to suppress. "Jam—I mean, Potter—just spent the last ten minutes telling me some nonsense that Mary spewed out! What are you talking about, control of my life?" she demanded of Mary who suddenly seemed very serious.

"Actually, I meant every word of that, Lily," she said softly, and Alice nodded in agreement. "Still can't cast a Patronus, right?" Lily shook her head.

"How do you know that?" she demanded, not afraid, but quite angry.

"Dumbledore told you—he said that he's only given us this year to help you. He told us about how you're shutting everything out, and how that's affecting your magic," Mary said, a touch of asperity in her voice.

"No, this has nothing to do with anyone but me!" she said angrily.

"How do you think we got permission to skip class to put on a play?" Alice asked softly. "I thought you knew."

"I thought the play was to make me feel better about my parents! I didn't know that Dumbledore had told you about my magic as well!" Lily yelled. She felt oddly betrayed, without knowing why. Somehow, it just seemed as if Dumbledore had divulged something very personal to her friends. Something she hadn't ever wanted them to know. Which, if she was being honest with herself, made no sense at all. "You know what? Forget it. Goodnight."

Had she been a little less preoccupied she might have noticed the looks exchanged between Alice and Mary, and the guilt that passed over Kate's face.

XXX

He felt stupid. There was a Quidditch game in five minutes, and instead of being in the stands, he was standing alone in the common room. Slowly, he counted down from ten, promising himself that if no one showed up, he'd leave for the pitch, hoping he could find a good seat.

He got to three before he was rudely interrupted by a noise that was entirely too loud for his Prefect tendencies not to go into overdrive. Remus walked up the stairs towards the fifth year dormitory, wondering if James had finally done in Sirius.

And so, when he opened the door, he was surprised to see Peter, James, Sirius, and Lily all smiling at him, an enormous banner behind them with the words, 'We're Sorry, Remus!' The beds had all been pushed back to clear a large space in the dormitory, and there was a table leaden with food next to the door.

"I'm sorry for being a complete idiot, and really hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me," James said without preamble.

"I'm sorry for not talking to you sooner, choosing to stay out of it," Peter exclaimed in a squeak worthy of Flitwick. All of them turned to Lily who rolled her eyes.

"I don't think I have anything to apologize for. After all, I didn't ignore you, or do anything stupid. The only thing I'm sorry for is associating with these idiots," she gestured towards James, Sirius, and Peter. Remus smiled slightly at her, realizing exactly what she had wanted to say, but didn't. She felt sorry for not being there for him, though she honestly had no reason to.

"Remus, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for telling Snape how to get to you, I'm sorry for spilling your secret, and I'm sorry for betraying your trust. You're one of my best friends, and you mean more to me than a brother, so please, please forgive me." Sirius's speech seemed so sincere, Remus reflected briefly before closing his eyes.

"I'm a werewolf," he muttered softly under his breath. "A werewolf."

"So what?" Lily snapped. "If any of us cared about that, d'you honestly think we'd be here right now? Remus, you're an incredibly intelligent person, but as Mary says about me, you're a stubborn idiot who would argue that a wall wasn't in front of you even if you were ramming against it every time you walked forward," she paused and grinned at James, causing Remus to frown. "I see nothing wrong with you being a werewolf. I mean, it's not like it changes who you really are." Remus said nothing, just staring at his shoes.

"Please, Remus. Please forgive me," Sirius pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper. After a long pause, he nodded, and the room exploded with noise. Sirius and James embraced like brothers who hadn't seen each other for a while, before also grabbing Remus and engulfing him in a hug. Lily seemed to be trying to hold back laughter, and Peter was opening bottles of butterbeer and was passing them around.

It was like a party had broken out, the amount of noise that they were making. Soon, Sirius and Lily were completely immersed in a game of Exploding Snap, and Peter was watching intently, waiting to laugh at whoever would lose. It was a while before he noticed James was sitting next to him, watching Lily with a slight smile. Remus raised an eyebrow, causing James to blush.

"Don't you even dare say, 'I told you so,'" James warned him, though his eyes were bright.

"When did you figure it out?" Remus asked with a wide smile. James leaned back in his chair and shrugged nonchalantly.

"Two days ago," he said, rolling his eyes when Remus burst out laughing. "It's not funny."

"Yes it is! What finally convinced you?"

"She kissed me." Remus nearly choked on his butterbeer that he had just taken a sip of. He turned to look at James in shock.

"Lily—Lily Evans—_kissed_ you?" he demanded, keeping his voice down as best he could.

"Why, yes. Yes, she did." Remus and James said nothing for a long moment. They watched as Lily jumped up in success and laughed at the eyebrows that had been singed off of Sirius's face. Peter gave her a spirited high-five, and Lily stuck her tongue out at Sirius when he claimed that she was a sore winner. James smiled goofily.

"She's a miracle worker," he muttered. At Remus's confused look, he elaborated. "She helped _me_ see sense." Again, they lapsed into silence. Then Remus grinned.

"I did tell you so," he said, clapping James on the back, causing the bespectacled boy to scowl.

XXX

"So, Evans, I hear your birthday is on the thirtieth," James said as he walked in step with her. She raised an eyebrow.

"Mary?"

"Yup."

"Yes, my birthday is coming up," she said warily, as if afraid of what he was going to say next.

"So, how about a party?" he asked her, and Lily rolled her eyes.

"I honestly think you've forgotten that I don't like you, Potter," she said wearily, though she didn't seem to mean it. He nodded, walking next to her with his arms swinging at his side, wondering where she was going. Suddenly, Lily stopped and stared at him. "Why are you following me?" she asked, and James grinned.

"Technically, this isn't following you. Besides, you kissed me."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I assume that if I follow you around enough, the fates are bound to feel sorry for me, and it'd happen again."

"Actually, I don't think it works that way, Potter," she said rather calmly. He shrugged.

"Think of it as an experiment. I've formed a hypothesis, and now I need to experiment to see if I was correct."

"Ah, I see. Was your hypothesis that I'd eventually have another spout of insanity and decide to snog you senseless?" James tilted his head in consideration.

"No, I thought that if I bothered you long enough, you'd do anything to get me to go away, including another quick peck on the lips. But hey, I like yours much better."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're incorrigible?" James frowned, and he shook his head.

"No. I doubt that most people who know me even know what that word means," he said as he tilted his head the other way, frowning slightly. "Actually, Remus would know, but he also knows better than to use it."

"What?"

"Well, he'd understand that none of us would know what he was talking about. Which makes me wonder, what does that word even mean?" Lily's green eyes widened, and he felt butterflies in his stomach. He quite liked her eyes.

"You're the best in class, and you don't know what it means?" she asked, astonished. James tutted patiently.

"No, no, I'm not the best. You and Remus beat me in nearly everything," he decided to leave out that he was better than her in Transfiguration, because that would just seem very arrogant of him, "and just because I can do magic doesn't mean I have a large vocabulary."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening," Lily said, an apologetic smile on her face. He frowned.

"What?"

"The thing is,—back in first year—after spending about ten minutes with you, I realized that you talk way too much about things that no one else cared about, so I learned to basically tune out everything you say." She grimaced slightly, though her eyes were sparking with mischievousness. "I suppose that makes you want to leave, huh?" she said with such well-faked sincerity, that James found himself falling for it for a moment.

"You…are nothing like I thought you were," he said with a grin, once again walking in step with her. They passed two suits of armor that whistled as they passed, and he suddenly realized she was heading for the library. On a Saturday afternoon. Because she liked to study…

For a moment, he truly doubted his heart.

"Really? You're exactly like I thought you were," Lily said, her voice stern, but it was plain to see that she was fighting a smile.

"I thought you were boring and a do-gooder, but actually, you're witty and you sneak out at night."

"I thought you were annoying and arrogant, and lo and behold! You are!" James frowned at her wide grin, wondering if he could convince her that she had hurt his feelings.

"Right. So you can't even think of one thing that's good about me?" he said sadly, looking at the floor as he walked. He couldn't see her face, but he could imagine what it looked like, and he had to fight down the urge to laugh.

"Well…no, actually," she said softly, touching his shoulder lightly. The answer was not what he had expected. His head shot up on its own accord, and he was dismayed to see Lily laughing. "Oh, come on, like I'm going to fall for such a stupid trick," she said, shaking her head as she continued to laugh.

Perhaps it was fate that they finally reached the library, or perhaps it was sheer dumb luck, because James was about to say something that would have destroyed any progress he had made with her up till that point.

"You're not going to follow me in here as well?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him when he just stopped walking. James shook his head quickly.

"I hate libraries. Books…they make me sneeze." Lily rolled her eyes and muttered something he couldn't hear about people who made good grades without ever needing to open a book. It wasn't anything nice, of that he was sure.

"What an Ulger thing to say," Lily said once she was done with her muttering, grinning slightly. James blinked.

"Ulger the Brave, or Ulger the Ugly?" he asked quickly, and Lily rolled her eyes again. She turned to leave, but James grabbed her arm, not knowing if he was making a mistake or if she would take what he was about to say the wrong way. "My father is a stubborn man. He'd never admit he was wrong," James paused and took a deep breath. "But, as much as I may resemble him, in looks, in manner, even in arrogance, I am completely willing to admit I was wrong." Lily frowned, looking at him as if she'd never seen him before. "On behalf of my father, and the entire Potter family, Lily, I want to apologize for everything you've been through. I realize that I'm not your favorite person—" James stopped talking as Lily stood on her toes and leaned forward to kiss his cheek, blushing deeply as she pulled away.

"Thank you, James," she said softly, before giving him a smile and walking into the library.

That had gone far better than he had thought it would.

And with that cheery thought, he practically ran to find Sirius and the others to tell them what had happened.

XXX

If it had been big news that the Marauders were fighting, then it was even bigger news that after merely a month, they were all fine.

Every time he was seen with Peter or Remus, and especially James, people whispered and pointed as if seeing two friends talk was the occurrence of the century.

Rumors were, of course, flying again, and the guesses were never farther from the truth. Many thought that James had forced Remus to apologize to him, and that Peter had managed to avoid Remus's completely horrid fate by biting James.

Sirius couldn't say he knew where that rumor came from. It was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. Peter had loved it when he first heard it, thinking that it was enormously funny that anyone thought that he'd be stupid enough to bite James.

"I mean, he'd kill me," he had said once the girls who had told them walked away. Remus and Sirius had agreed, and then gone back to guessing where James had been all afternoon.

They found out only ten minutes later.

Which was why the four of them could be found in the common room, lounging in the chairs in front of the fire, three of them staring at James in shock.

"You _apologized_?" Sirius asked in shock at the same time Remus exclaimed:

"She kissed you? _Again_?" Peter just stared at James with wide eyes.

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"Because you _never_ apologize," Sirius said at the same time Remus said:

"Because she hates you."

"I don't understand what the big deal is here," James said, throwing his hands into the air in exasperation. Remus nodded quickly.

"Look, last year, Lily was asked out by a fifth year Ravenclaw called Andrew Hanne. She said yes, and they dated for nearly five months."

"So?"

"So, during that entire time, she not once kissed him, refusing to even hold hands with him," Sirius said, taking over for Remus. James blinked.

"What?"

"Lily does things carefully. She plans out excessively and thinks out every decision she makes thoroughly, even if she sometimes doesn't notice. Mary calls her stubborn, but she's not." James stared at Remus as if he was speaking a different language. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"She doesn't like change. She doesn't like things challenging the way she thinks, but the moment it becomes clear—_if_ it becomes clear—she accepts the truth and moves on."

"So what does this have to do with Andrew Hanne?" James asked, completely lost.

"She didn't like the way he challenged her thoughts and ideas. So, she refused to budge for him," Remus explained patiently.

"And so all this means what exactly?" Remus and Sirius exchanged looks, but it was Peter who answered.

"It means that you challenged her, and apparently, you've managed to make her accept that she was wrong." Remus nodded gravely.

"Congratulations, James. You're the second person ever to force Lily to admit that," he said, sighing and leaning back in his chair. James frowned, looking at the grimace on Sirius's face, and wondering who the first person could possibly have been.

"Technically, the first person hasn't forced her to admit anything yet, but he's almost there. Perhaps we should call James the first?" Sirius said thoughtfully, but both Peter and Remus shook their heads.

"Nah, because she knows the truth by now, she just doesn't want to admit it to the rest of us," Peter commented wisely, making James look at him in surprise, and Sirius feel a certain pride to see Peter grow up.

"That's exactly what's going on now," Remus said, giving Peter a smile. After a few moments of pause, James asked the question that they all had been waiting for.

"Well, who is this person?"

"_Snivellus_," Sirius said, his voice laced with the utter hatred he felt for the greasy-haired git.

XXX

She sat in her bed, quietly reading without paying much attention to the snores around her. Alice, by far, snored the loudest, she reflected, and Mary had this odd snort-snore that Lily couldn't even begin to describe. Kate was the quietest out of the four girls, but tonight she was breathing deeply—and loudly.

Lily didn't mind in the least, though. These sounds were normal for her, familiar. They made her feel safe and secure. At least, that's what she kept telling herself so she wouldn't wake them up to stop the noise.

She stared at the book in her lap in disgust, hating that she was reading it. It was one of Mary's romance novels that she brought from home, and she had insisted that Lily read it, claiming that it would do her good.

Lily still didn't know what that was supposed to mean.

It was an awfully ridiculous book, about a girl who fell in love with someone she supposedly hated. She narrowed her eyes, knowing very well that nothing of the sort would _ever_ happen in reality, and that things like this were only found in books. After all, who had ever heard of a boy who was so in love that he'd bear any insult and wait for years for the girl?

Obviously, Mary had some serious issues that needed to be worked out if she thought such a thing would do Lily any _good_.

Throwing the book aside, and absolutely hating that she couldn't sleep, she grabbed her wand from the nightstand next to her. It was worth a try, she thought absently.

"_Expecto patronum!_" she whispered, glaring at the wisp. "_Expecto patronum!_" she said, a little louder. Again, nothing but a stupid wisp. "Come on! _EXPECTO PATRONUM!_" she said, trying very hard not to yell, though it came out as a yell anyway. To her ultimate shock something quite large erupted from the tip of her wand, not at all like her otter.

"Lily…what is that?" Alice asked slowly as she rubbed her eyes, staring avidly at the bright creature that pranced gently around the room.

"I think—I think it's a—" Mary began nervously before Lily finished for her.

"Doe."


	11. The Worst Birthday

Chapter Eleven- The Worst Birthday

"C'mon, Lily. I don't understand why you're so worked up about this," Alice said as they walked down to breakfast. Lily's hands practically shook as she grabbed her friend's shoulders and pulled her to a stop.

"Isn't it weird? I go months without even a wisp, and then, suddenly, when it comes back it's _different_?" she said with a touch of asperity in her voice, causing Alice to roll her eyes.

"I liked you better yesterday, all quiet and contemplative," she said, before shrugging off Lily's hands and walking once more. "I mean, you've been talking nonstop since you woke me up—three hours ago," she added, her eyes narrowing.

It was true. Lily had spent the entire Sunday sitting in her dormitory, casting her Patronus again and again, and wondering if perhaps it could change once more. The fact that it didn't made her realize that the doe was there to stay, and now she wanted to know exactly why such a thing had happened. After all, who had ever heard of a Patronus changing? So she had woken Alice up, thinking that two heads were better than one.

"There has to be a reason," she muttered aloud, not really watching where she was going, thus ignoring the two second years whose books flew out of their hands after she bumped into them. Alice sighed wearily, bending down to help the frightened Hufflepuffs.

"Look, if it's bothering you so much, then just ask Flitwick after class today. Or go to the library." Lily stared at her friend in shock, feeling stupid that the two things that Alice had suggested weren't the first things she thought of. She blushed slightly. "Sometimes you make me wonder why we're even friends," Alice muttered, but there was a smile on her face. Lily grinned, muttering a quick apology to the two girls, before she practically ran back up the stairs, headed to the library. "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" Alice called from behind her, causing Lily to laugh.

Alice just didn't seem to understand.

XXX

"Silencing Charms are not difficult, yet there is a certain amount of concentration involved," Flitwick was saying, though she wasn't quite paying attention. She had learned Silencing Charms quite a while ago, so she sat with her elbow propped on the desk, twirling her wand between her fingers absently. "Even so, I expect all of you to be able to cast it before the end of class—yes, even you, Mr. Pettigrew," he chuckled at Peter's snort of disbelief. He motioned for Remus to pass out ravens and frogs, and began walking around the class making sure the other Gryffindors were actually working.

The moment Remus handed her a frog, Lily waved her wand causing it to stare at her disdainfully as it opened and closed its mouth repeatedly, unable to make a single noise. She smiled in satisfaction before allowing her thoughts to trail back to her Patronus.

The first thing she had found out was that, though rare, a Patronus changing was possible. The book had gone on to explain something about a change in the caster, and though Lily didn't quite understand all the points, she understood enough to know that she didn't like what it was saying.

Deciding that a book couldn't possibly know what it was talking about, she resolved to talk to her professor. Flitwick would agree with her, she was sure.

"What did your dear library have to say on the matter?" Mary asked as she accidently hit her raven with her wand. The raven let out a loud caw in protest.

"Alice told you, didn't she?" Lily asked, ignoring the question to look at Alice with a raised eyebrow. Alice didn't even blink.

"She wanted to know why you skipped the most important meal of the day," she said, waving her wand, managing to silence her frog on the first try. Mary groaned as she hit her raven on top of the head for a second time.

"You're not supposed to hit the poor thing, Mary," Lily said, unsuccessfully stifling her laughter. Mary narrowed her eyes.

"So? What did you learn?" she asked again, waving her wand, managing not to hit the raven only because the bird had the sense to jump out of the way. Lily grabbed Mary's hand and showed her the proper way of performing the charm before she shrugged.

"Apparently, a Patronus changes for two reasons. The first one is that the caster undergoes an incredible change in ideals or beliefs—"

"Like if you go from hating the Dark Arts to liking them?" Alice interrupted. Lily nodded.

"I could be wrong, but that's definitely not me. Right?" She gave each of her friends a look, and they both took the hint, nodding their heads frantically. Of course, Mary had to grin as she nodded, her eyes alight with mirth, ruining the effect that Lily had been going for.

"What's the second reason?" Alice asked, switching her frog with Mary's raven at the girl's insistence.

"Well, it says that a Patronus can also change when its caster has fallen in love, you know, to match," Lily paused, shaking her head in confusion. "But how can the Patronus know before the caster? Wouldn't I have to be aware of the fact that I'm in love?" Alice frowned as if deep in thought, her brows furrowing in confusion. But before Lily could ask what she was thinking, Mary had started attacking her frog that was now stubbornly croaking as loud as it could, as if it was mocking her. Lily grabbed the frog, securing it in her hands while Alice snatched Mary's wand from her hand.

"Mary, you're not supposed to hurt the frog," Alice said sternly. Unfortunately for Mary, it was at that moment that Flitwick decided to walk over to their area. He smiled at Lily and Alice before looking at Mary.

"Miss MacDonald, please, practice," he said wearily as the bell rang. Lily took her time packing up, motioning for Alice and Mary to leave without her. She waited until the classroom was empty except for her and Flitwick before she approached him, feeling oddly nervous.

"Professor?" Flitwick looked up, evidently shocked that anyone was still in the room.

"Miss Evans? Did you want something?"

"Actually, I had a question. About Patronuses." Flitwick raised an eyebrow in understanding, then smiled.

"I take it you can cast your Patronus once again, but it has changed," he deduced, his smile growing. Lily nodded.

"Yes, and that's what I wanted to speak to you about. Why do Patronuses change?" Flitwick frowned.

"Well, there are many reasons a Patronus can change. Most narrow it down to the two most common reasons, change of beliefs and love, however there are almost a dozen reasons why," he said in his squeaky voice. It was Lily's turn to look shocked.

"What are the other reasons?"

"Miss Evans, perhaps it's best not to ponder this," Flitwick muttered. "In time you will know exactly why it changed," he said, nodding to himself.

"But, Professor Flitwick," Lily began, only to be interrupted.

"Sometimes it is best not to question, Miss Evans. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" he asked, giving her a searching look. It was quite similar to Dumbledore's look, that feeling that she was being X-rayed, except she wasn't under the impression that he was reading her mind; she felt that he was trying to figure out if she truly understood. Lily nodded.

"I understand, Professor," she said softly, for the first time lying to a teacher. And the thing was, as Flitwick gave her a wide smile and wrote her a note so she wouldn't lose points for being late for her next class, she was sure that he had known she was lying.

XXX

"I'm telling you, that won't bode well," Remus whispered, staring straight ahead at the board. He wanted to seem like he was paying attention, but James knew better; he was far more interested in what Sirius was writing.

"James, she actually gets along with you. Why d'you want to botch things up now?" Peter complained, not even bothering to pretend to pay attention. James made a mental note to take Peter to the kitchens later. It was about time Peter realized that Binns' class was pointless.

"Her birthday is in nine days. If _I _don't throw her a party, who will?" James asked, raising an eyebrow at his three friends. Peter sighed, Remus rolled his eyes, and Sirius grinned, nodding enthusiastically.

"The best gift would be to leave her alone," Remus muttered after a whole minute. "Get her a book, or talk to Kate, something small but profound. Prove that you don't want attention, you just want her to be happy." James didn't like the way that Sirius frowned, as if he was actually realizing that Remus was right.

"We are the Marauders! We always throw loud parties!" he protested, glaring at the others. Peter shrugged, and Sirius grimaced.

"I think Remus is right, mate. Lily wouldn't like the attention." Then, without a second thought, Sirius tore up all their planning for the surprise party. "You've been outvoted, James."

"What? No, we're still doing this!" he hissed, grabbing the torn pieces of parchment. Sirius shook his head firmly.

"Nope. You've been outvoted. Clause twenty-five of the Code clearly states that, Any Plan By A Single Marauder Is Forfeit If Said Marauder Is Outvoted. You wrote it yourself, mate," Sirius reminded him. James had the sudden itch to go up to their dormitory and burn the stupid book filled with pointless rules.

"Any Marauder That Harms The Code Of The Marauder Surrenders All Rights As A Marauder," Peter said, obviously reading the look on James' face. Even Remus laughed.

"Stupid, idiotic Code!" James snapped, throwing the pieces of parchment aside carelessly. "Fine. So how about a small gathering? Us four, Mary, Alice, and Kate?" Peter nodded enthusiastically, but Remus looked uncomfortable.

"We'd have to leave Kate out, actually."

"Why?"

"She's…not very happy with Lily at the moment," Sirius said softly, his eyes on the back of Kate's head. Even though his face seemed impassive, it was obvious that he was angry.

"What happened?" Peter asked, leaning forward to listen in. Remus rolled his eyes again, giving up all notions of paying attention.

"Kate asked Lily to stay with her over the holidays, but Lily told her she wanted to be with Petunia—you know, first Christmas without their parents and all?" The other three nodded smartly and Remus continued. "Well, imagine Kate's shock when she found out her best friend had actually spent the entire holiday in the company of Mary and Sirius."

"So what? Lily changed her mind. It's no big deal," James muttered, glaring at Kate. The girl seemed to feel the animosity, because she turned to look at him, a confused look in her eyes. James waved awkwardly and forced a smile, waiting until she turned around before he stuck his tongue out at her.

"That's what Lily said, but Kate claims that Lily shouldn't have lied to her friends, that she shouldn't have been alone."

"She wasn't alone! She had Sirius and Mary," Peter protested, and Remus shrugged.

"I think Kate's jealous. She's always considered herself Lily's best friend, and having that view threatened makes her testy," Remus explained. James took off his glasses and wiped them on his robes.

"What kind of best friend doesn't talk to you just because you're friends with someone else?" he asked, practically shoving his glasses back on his face. He was getting angry, and he was in desperate need of something to keep him occupied. Sirius shrugged.

"We can't put all the blame on Kate, though. This whole thing could have blown over if Lily just explained that she wanted to stay at Hogwarts because she couldn't deal with family gatherings. Instead, Lily got angry and told Kate that she was a git, and that it was none of her business as to what she did and did not do." James blinked, unable to imagine Lily speaking like that to anyone but him and a few choice Slytherins. Remus sighed.

"She's been having trouble with all her relationships. Basically, she alternates between being too dependent on her friends, to completely pushing them away. Right now, she's in dependent mode," he said with a shrug, as if he could understand what she was doing, even if he didn't agree with it. That irked James to no end.

"She wouldn't have to alternate if she just realizes that all her friends care about her!"

"That's not the problem. The thing is, she doesn't want anyone to care," Remus explained patiently. It was a good thing that he was their friend, James reflected. Otherwise, they'd never understand what was going on with girls.

"What d'you mean?" Peter questioned, his brow furrowing.

"It hurts less when people leave you if you don't care for them too much," James muttered, surprising himself. Then again, it made sense that the one thing he'd understand about Lily Evans was this.

After all, it was exactly what he had done with his father.

XXX

Looking back, Lily should have known better than to retaliate, but at the time, her blood had been boiling, and she didn't care if they were in the middle of dinner and that everyone could hear her yelling. And to think, it all started because of a stupid yawn.

_Two hours previously: _

_She yawned as she played with the mashed potatoes on her plate, not quite paying attention to the conversations around her. She knew that Remus and the others were planning some sort of gag, it was obvious by the way they sat, with their heads huddled together, whispering furiously. Mary was talking animatedly to Alice about a dress she had seen in last week's _Witch Weekly_, and though Alice nodded in all the appropriate places, she was too busy watching Frank from the corner of her eye to actually pay attention. The only person who seemed more out of place than Lily was Kate. _

_As soon as Kate saw Lily yawn, she pushed her plate of food away from her and she leaned forward to look Lily straight in the eye, something rather uncomfortable for Lily, seeing as though the two girls were currently at odds._

"_Tired, Evans?" she said with a smirk, and Lily rolled her eyes, unwilling to stoop to Kate's level. "Couldn't sleep, huh? Couldn't get James Potter out of your head, could you?" she chuckled. Lily looked down at her potatoes and smiled slightly._

"_Kate?" The other girl raised an eyebrow. "What's that in your hair?" Kate frowned and her hand immediately went to her hair, running her fingers through it. _

"_What are you talking about?" she snapped. Lily smiled apologetically._

"_I'm so sorry, what I meant to say was, 'What's that on your face?'" And with that, Lily flicked her spoon at Kate, a generous portion of mashed potatoes hitting Kate's face with a satisfying splash. Everyone at the Gryffindor table turned to see what was going on, only to find a motionless Kate with a face full of potatoes and an amused Lily._

"_Aw, Lily, look! You missed a spot," Kate said in a sweet voice, grabbing a handful of potatoes and patting Lily on the cheek. To everyone's astonishment, however, Lily just burst into laughter. Kate just paused, and she stared at Lily, as if she couldn't believe her eyes. "What happened to you, Lily?" Kate asked, her tone filled with worry and the slightest bit of anger. It was a valid question, Lily realized, noticing people nodding around her. "I mean, first you kiss Potter, someone you _hate_, then, you actually get into an argument with Snape in the middle of Potions, something you _never_ do, no matter how mad he makes you. And now, you laugh when someone puts food on your face? What happened to you?" Kate repeated. Lily ignored the looks she was getting. Remus seemed disappointed—with who, she didn't know—Sirius contemplative, and Alice was upset. But worst of all was James Potter's face. It was blank, completely devoid of expression. It shouldn't have bothered her. But it did. So very much._

_Lily closed her eyes as she stood._

"_People change, Katherine," Lily said softly. Kate stood as well._

"_This much?"_

"_Would you rather have me give you a detention? Or, better yet, run and tell a teacher?"_

"_The old Lily would have done that!"_

"_The old Lily is gone! She died along with her parents!" Lily snapped, and she pulled out her wand. Immediately, Professor McGonagall walked over, as if she had some sort of sensor for seeking out trouble, and she shook her head._

"_Miss Evans! Perhaps you should come with me," she said sternly. With one last contemptuous look at Kate, Lily followed her professor out of the Great Hall, leaving her bag behind without a second thought._

_Currently:_

She was sitting in a chair in McGonagall's office, and she was bored. The professor had just told her to wait, and then had left without another word. Lily could feel the seconds ticking by, turning a five minute wait to fifteen. Fifteen to one hour. _Where was McGonagall?_ One and a half hours. _Perhaps she should just leave?_

Two hours and five minutes.

Just when she decided that she was being an idiot for sitting there and waiting for more than two hours, the door swung open and McGonagall literally swept in, her hat nearly falling off.

"Well, Miss Evans, I can't tell you how disappointed I am," she said, sitting behind her desk. Lily nodded meekly, feeling ashamed for the first time since she'd walked into the office.

Lily Evans _never_ got into trouble. Never.

"Professor, I—"

"I would have done far more than just flick some potatoes at Miss Knight." Lily's mouth nearly dropped open at the statement. "However, seeing as though I am your teacher, and I cannot allow the younger children to run around with the idea that they could get away with such an action, I must hand out a punishment." Lily sighed, suppressing her groan. McGonagall checked her watch. "Which…you should complete in about three minutes," she finished. Lily just blinked, at a complete loss.

"I don't understand," she muttered, shocked by the smile on her Transfiguration professor's face.

"You just served a grueling detention cleaning up the bedpans in the hospital, didn't you?" McGonagall said, and with that she stood, motioning to the door. "Well, it's late. You should go to bed. I'm sure you're quite exhausted by all the work you've just done." Lily nodded absently, her head still reeling by what just took place. She walked to the door when McGonagall spoke again without even looking up at her. "For what it's worth, Miss Evans, the 'new Lily' is a much improved version of the 'old Lily.'"

XXX

James shifted Lily's bag slightly from underneath his Invisibility Cloak. He couldn't believe how heavy the thing was! It was as if Lily carried around ten extra books everywhere she went.

He was, of course, incredibly tired, but he couldn't let that small fact interrupt his vigil. He'd stay here all night if he had to, but he _would_ walk Lily back to the common room after McGonagall had her say.

"Mr. Potter, what are you doing here?" an incredibly surprised McGonagall said as she neared her office. James grinned.

"Waiting for Lily." She didn't even respond. Instead, she shook her head and swept into her office rather spectacularly. James was just beginning to compare McGonagall to Dumbledore when the door opened and a very confused Lily stepped out. She frowned at him, but before she could speak, James held up her bag. "You forgot it in the Great Hall," he told her, before she could accuse him of anything.

"I know," she said with a small smile, holding out a hand for her bag. James shook his head.

"It'd go against everything I believe to allow you to carry your own bag!" James declared overdramatically, putting a hand over his heart. Lily groaned, but he could see the smile she was trying so hard to suppress.

"Fine, have it your way," she said. James grinned widely in success.

"So, how was cleaning out the bedpans in the hospital?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Her eyes widened.

"How d'you know about that?"

"Ask a Marauder no questions, and he won't have to lie to you about how he knows you didn't really have detention."

"James?" Lily prodded. He blinked at the use of his first name, surprised into answering.

"Remus stopped McGonagall and told her that Kate was being a right git. Kate, for her part, took the blame. She lost fifteen points," James said with a shrug. Lily frowned slightly as they set off down the corridor together, walking in silence.

"Why would she do that?" Lily finally asked, looking at him questioningly after several minutes of not speaking. James shrugged, not quite caring about what Kate was thinking.

"Does it matter?" he asked her, and immediately realized that it was the wrong thing to say. Lily's eyes grew guarded, and it was quite obvious that her walls had gone up. James mentally cursed himself.

"No, I suppose not," she said softly. "Have you finished your Potions homework yet?" It was an obvious attempt to move the conversation away from herself. What better way to keep up her defense than to insure there was no way it could be attacked?

"Yeah, I finished it yesterday. I doubt Slughorn will give me anything higher than an A, though," he said, smiling slightly.

"Really? Is the great James Potter admitting that he's not good at something?" Lily laughed, bumping into his shoulder gently. James nodded enthusiastically.

"There are many things I'm not good at, Evans," he said with a grin. "I'm terrible at Divination—crystal balls? Don't even get me started on those bloody things. How is anyone supposed to see anything in all that fog?"

"I guess you don't have the makings of a Seer, then," she said with a smile. James rolled his eyes.

"Thank goodness. Could you see me as a Seer?" he asked, then, putting on a mystic voice—or what he thought it was anyway—he stopped and stared intently at Lily. "I See an enormous decision in your future—yes, yes…you must decide between…treacle tart or pudding for dessert tomorrow night!" Lily blinked several times before she let out a snort.

"You're completely mad," she said, shaking her head.

"But, that's not the only thing I'm terrible at. I couldn't brew a potion to save my life."

"Yes, that's exactly why you brewed the extremely difficult Animagus Potion back in fourth year," Lily muttered, sending him a glare. James chuckled.

"I didn't brew it! It was mostly Sirius and Remus that did that."

"But you were the one with all the spells weren't you? You were the one that finalized the transformations," she countered, and James conceded.

"Fine. Yes, I'm fairly good at Transfiguration. I messed up the spell dozens of times before I finally got it right, though," he explained, raising an eyebrow.

"What's it like?" Lily asked suddenly, a grin on her face. James frowned in confusion.

"What's what like?"

"Being an Animagus?" James smiled suddenly, loving the question.

"It's beyond words. It feels like all the problems in the world just float away." He paused and looked at her. "That's why the Ministry is so strict about Animagi. It's incredibly dangerous, and plenty of witches and wizards don't have the willpower to turn back into themselves."

"It's really that hard?" she asked him, her eyes bright with excitement. Only learning something new could make her so happy, he thought.

"It gets better with time, I suppose," he answered.

Of course, their conversation was cut short by the Fat Lady's interrupting cough. She glared at the two of them, as if they were annoying her on purpose.

"Password?" she asked them, even her tone filled with resentment.

"Scurvy scoundrel," Lily said with a grin, causing James to laugh.

"It's a perfectly sound password!" the Fat Lady protested as the two fifth years continued to laugh. James handed Lily her bag, and he grinned at her.

"By the way," he said as she sat down in front of the fire to start on her work and he headed towards his dormitory, "I think it was Kate's way of apologizing." And to James' ultimate surprise, Lily's guard went down as she smiled.

"Yes, I think so too."

XXX

"Okay, how about this, we add _three_ drops of snake venom to the phoenix tears?"

"D'you know how rare phoenix tears are? That won't work!" Severus groaned, but he nodded, realizing that she was right.

"You're right. So basically, leave the potion as it is?" he asked her, pointing to the instructions in his textbook. Lily nodded firmly.

"I don't think we could simplify it, even if we wanted to," she said between chewing the tip of her quill. Severus nodded and he wrote a few notes in the corner and they lapsed into a comfortable silence.

Several days had passed since Kate's incredibly odd way of apologizing, but the two of them had yet to speak. Part of that was because Kate was too shy to come right out and apologize; she didn't like to talk about how she felt. However, even if she had wanted to talk, she would have found it quite difficult since Lily was barely available.

Remus had rather bluntly told her she was back to pushing everyone away, but Lily had ignored his comment, preferring to alternate her time underneath a large tree in the grounds, where she sat alone to read in the cold, or studying sessions with Severus in the library. Several times she had even managed to convince Remus to patrol without her.

In six days she'd be turning sixteen. It was something her parents had made a big fuss of, which was really quite American of them. Even though she wasn't at Petunia's sixteenth birthday party, she knew from the letters her parents sent her that the whole thing had been a huge affair. Just the thought that her parents wouldn't be here this year to agonize over why they couldn't throw her an enormous party for her sixteenth birthday nearly reduced her to tears.

Each of her friends had some thought about her. Sirius said she was depressed. Alice claimed that she was lonely. Mary told her she was just an idiot. Remus and Peter both agreed that she was still mourning, and James—when he was being tolerable enough to be around—would tell her a few kind words and move on. What none of them understood was that she just needed space.

The first thing she noticed after her parents died was that people seemed to think you needed 'condolences' or a pat on the shoulder. Pitying looks. A small sympathetic smile here and there. She didn't want all that. All Lily wanted was to go back to normal. She wanted to make perfect grades; she wanted to have her otter Patronus back. She wanted not to have to worry about what she'd do once she was out of Hogwarts with nowhere to go. She wanted safety, security, and peace of mind.

She wanted that feeling that she was loved and protected.

But instead she had to deal with Severus's inability to decide what he believed in. She had to listen as Alice and Remus worried over her well-being. Didn't they understand she didn't want them to worry? Didn't they get that by acting that way they were just making her feel even worse, as if she had failed them too?

She was tired of it.

"Hey, Lily, I got to go, okay?" Severus whispered. Lily looked up and stared into his black eyes for a moment. Once upon a time, she could tell exactly what he was thinking just by staring him in the eyes. She had known her best friend better than he realized. But now, his eyes were blank, devoid of expression or feeling. Slowly, she turned away from him to look around, and sure enough, Mulciber, Avery, and Sirius's little brother, Regulus, were standing shoulder to shoulder, watching them two of them carefully. She wanted to let out a laugh, she really did, but she couldn't even sum enough ill feelings to do that. She just felt rather empty.

"Alright," she said with a curt nod, knowing exactly why she felt so empty. Sirius had warned her. Mary had warned her. And now, she had finally opened her eyes to the truth.

Severus had chosen a long time ago, she realized. Just because she had been too blind to see it didn't matter.

In a matter of seconds she realized that her last link to her home—to what she was before Hogwarts—was gone. First Petunia, then her parents, and now Severus. Slowly, Lily stood up and gathered her belongings.

She was through with being unhappy. She was through with feeling so pathetic and dead inside. She couldn't hide behind a mask for the rest of her life. Voldemort's followers expected her to just lay down and give up. But Lily Evans never gave up.

She didn't have a destination when she left the library, but it quickly became obvious where she was heading. As if on command, the two stone gargoyles moved aside as Lily walked up the stairs to the headmaster's office. She knocked firmly on the door.

"Come in." Lily pushed the door open and smiled slightly at Dumbledore when he looked up.

"Ah, Miss Evans. What a pleasant surprise!" he said with a laugh, and he honestly sounded like he meant it. She smiled again and sat down when the old professor motioned to the chair in front of his desk. "To what do I owe this pleasure?" he said, popping a lemon drop in his mouth and offering her one. She shook her head slightly.

"Professor, did Professor Flitwick tell you about my Patronus changing?" she asked, and was surprised to see that Dumbledore smiled, his blue eyes twinkling merrily behind his half-moon spectacles.

"Yes, he did. Is that what you wanted to discuss?"

"Well, partially. The thing is, I want to know why it changed." Dumbledore's smile grew even more.

"You are an exceptionally bright student, Lily. I am quite sure you can figure out the truth for yourself," he said with a laugh. Lily shook her head.

"But—"

"How about I give you a hint?" he said, interrupting her protest. "Your Patronus changed for more than one reason, the biggest of which you will come to understand on your own. However, another—though admittedly, smaller—reason is that as a person you have changed. You've grown up, Lily."

"Will I like the big reason it changed?" she asked, suddenly worried. Dumbledore chuckled heartily at that.

"If I told you right this moment, no, I daresay you wouldn't quite like it. However, the time will come when you will _love_ it." He raised an eyebrow, as if daring her to question him on the matter of the Patronus again, and his eyes were twinkling oddly, like he had just given her an enormous hint, but Lily pushed that matter away. It wasn't as important as she once thought it was. So she moved on to the thing that she had come to understand not ten minutes previously, sitting in the library and watching as Severus walked off with Mulciber and the others.

"I want to fight."

"Of course you do, and you have every right to. Yet, you are still in school and therefore too young," Dumbledore answered her without even having to ask what she meant.

"And after Hogwarts?" she asked, sitting on the edge of her seat. Dumbledore sighed gently.

"At that point you will learn what you can do to fight," he said with resignation. It was as if he had desperately wished she wouldn't want to fight, but was immensely proud that she had. Lily grinned as she stood.

"Only two more years, then," she said, and Dumbledore nodded.

"Yes, only two more years. Lemon drop?" he offered once more. Lily nodded.

XXX

"Do you really think that it's a good idea, Albus?" Minerva asked him, her normally stern voice full of worry and doubt.

"I assume by your tone that Filius has told you of Lily's Patronus changing?" he asked her wearily, giving the small Charms professor a glance. Minerva nodded.

"I don't understand, though. You were the one that claimed that teachers shouldn't take special interest in any student's life!" Albus chuckled, ignoring Minerva's scowl.

"Which, I suppose, goes to show that even the best of us must eat our words," he paused and raised an eyebrow. "But, as I hear it, you've been guilty of the very same." Even the little Charms professor couldn't help but chuckle delightedly at the statement and Minerva's red cheeks.

"I—well…Miss Evans is quite the student," she finally managed to say, doing her best to hide her embarrassment. "Does she even know why her Patronus changed?" she asked, more to move the conversation away from herself than actual interest. Filius shook his head.

"She…suspects," he squeaked, and Dumbledore nodded.

"Of course she does," he laughed.

"Are you sure it's Mr. Potter, though?" Minerva asked nervously. The Headmaster suppressed a grin at the sight. Only Mr. Potter and his friends could elicit such a reaction from the stern Deputy Headmistress.

"He is the most likely candidate, but I must admit that we are not quite sure."

"Mr. Potter's Patronus is a stag, Minerva," Albus continued as Filius stopped talking.

"I still don't understand why the interest. First you help her get her inheritance, then you fight for her to stay at Hogwarts during the summer holidays, and now you've promised she can join the Order!" Minerva shook her head in confusion.

"I seem to recall your absolute support in many of those decisions," Albus commented lightly, causing the woman to frown.

"But—"

"She's muggleborn—a muggleborn with extraordinary talent. She's a young woman, that despite all the prejudice sent her way, has managed to maintain a steady friendship with a Slytherin. Lily Evans has her faults, but I believe the good in her far outweighs the bad." His tone was final. There would be no more arguing on whether or not he should continue helping Lily out. Minerva and Filius glanced at each other before nodding in agreement.

"I just hope you don't make everything worse, Albus," Minerva told him as she turned around and left his office.

Albus Dumbledore sighed and placed his head in his hands. If anyone could do what he had in mind, it was Lily.

XXX

He was breaking Marauder Code and he knew it. Actually, if he remembered correctly, he had written this particular law himself, just last year, after Wormtail spent the better part of the afternoon all alone in the kitchens, slowly drinking butterbeer and refusing to talk to anyone.

They hadn't realized that they were hurting the boy's feelings that day when they laughed about his essay. After all, Remus made fun of the two of them in the same way, and it never had bothered him or Sirius. As he thought back on it, he realized that Peter did have much more issues with self-confidence than either of them, but he still didn't understand why Peter wanted to be alone.

Until now that is.

His entire life revolved around one simple fact: He never wanted to be lonely. This passion started from a young age, when his father spent the nights at work and his mother turned to writing to ease her loneliness. He had no one to keep him company, no one to talk to, and so he swore that once at Hogwarts he'd never be alone.

Sirius was a best friend from the moment they were sorted into Gryffindor, and Remus and Peter followed soon after. Nearly five years after they first started the Code and began to call themselves Marauders, it occurred to James how messed up they all were.

Peter was too shy and disliked to make the effort it took to make friends. He preferred loneliness to being made fun of. Remus, a werewolf, didn't want friends because he was afraid of being discovered, of hurting others. And Sirius…Sirius was beyond words. His family hated him, he was shunned by the Slytherins because of it, and everyone else shunned him because of his affiliation with the House of Black.

The four of them were completely lost boys who were in dire need of a friend.

Of course, it all worked out in the end, after all, who knew brothers closer than James, Sirius, Remus and Peter? Then again, perhaps it was inevitable, the friendship being so strong, that one of them would try to pull away slightly.

If he was honest with himself, he would admit that he had expected Peter to be the weak link—the one that distanced himself, the one that turned out to be the weaker friend. But now he wasn't so sure.

It had started just hours ago when Remus had managed to convince Lily to come down to the common room right after lessons when everyone else would be at dinner. It was a small party; Kate had apologized and had gifted her best friend with an enormous selection of candies that Lily loved; Alice and Mary had given her a book series she'd been wanting for ages; Remus had managed to bake her something, most likely with the house-elves help, though he was the one that knew she loved chocolate cake; Sirius had bought her a small pendant in the shape of a lily, grinning when she told him that she had seen the exact same thing in Hogsmeade last year and desperately wanted it; and even Peter had bought Lily a luxurious eagle-quill, claiming that her quill was old and needed replacing.

It was when Sirius nudged James, saying that it was his turn to hand over a gift, that James realized he couldn't do it. Instead of wishing Lily a happy birthday and giving her the gift in his hand, he spun on his heel and left the common room, heading towards the kitchens. Alone.

He had always prided himself on being a good friend. Four boys didn't get so close without effort from all of them. He knew exactly what Peter would like for his birthday; he knew exactly the shade of ink that Remus used; hell, he even knew what Sirius's favorite shampoo was.

That's what you did when you were close to someone. You knew them better than anyone else. It wasn't just a favorite color or food, you knew exactly who they were, what they'd do in any situation—how they would react to certain news. You knew what made them happy or upset, and doing small things for them gave you a good feeling inside.

But Sirius, Peter, and Remus were different. Not only were they close to him and each other, but they also were close to Lily. Even Peter, a boy who barely spent time with Lily, had known exactly what Lily needed.

How closely did one need to pay attention to realize that she needed a new quill? Or that she liked a necklace? Or that she favored chocolate cake? He hadn't known any of that. His gift was pointless compared to the others; it was further proof that he wasn't a good friend, that _he_ was the weak link.

James entered the kitchens and sat at the very end of what would be the Gryffindor table, his head in his hands. Which was why, when he finally looked up—thinking he might as well have something to eat—he was shocked to see Lily sitting in front of him, her chin on her palm and her elbow propped up on the edge of the table. She was staring absentmindedly at the house-elves, a glazed expression in her green eyes. He hadn't noticed her following him.

"L-Lily?" James stammered, looking at her curiously. Had she really followed him? _Stupid question_, he thought to himself.

"You seemed…perturbed as you ran out, so I thought I'd make sure you were all right," she said, turning her still glazed expression on him. He blinked several times, confused.

"You were worried…about me?" he asked her, ashamed at his heart for its sudden desire to beat ten times faster. He wasn't a little boy sitting with his first crush. He was James Potter for goodness sake! Lily just smiled enigmatically. "I'm fine. Uh…happy birthday, by the way," he said awkwardly, as if he hadn't just walked out of the party he had planned for her without saying a word.

"When I was younger, my parents told me that if I had a wish that I absolutely wanted to come true I should whisper it out loud three times on the day of my birthday. They said it would come true only if I wanted it with all my heart." She looked up at him, then grinned slightly. "By the time I was seven, I considered myself too old for such things. After all, wishing doesn't make it true."

"Lily, I—" James began, but Lily continued speaking, as if he wasn't even there.

"But I thought that it couldn't hurt to try it, you know, just to see if it would work just once," she frowned, her brow furrowing. "So far, it hasn't."

"What did you wish for?" he asked, ashamed of the fear he heard in his own voice. He was terrified of the answer, though. Lily's reply was so quiet he barely heard it:

"To laugh for real."

James blinked several times before he shook his head. Lily shot him a glare, as if daring him to comment on her wish, but James just help up a finger to get her to wait while he searched through his pockets, trying to find Lily's present.

"Where is the bloody thing—aha!" He grinned at Lily, holding up a small rolled up piece of parchment. She raised an eyebrow. "Don't pass judgment on it yet, Miss Evans," he chastised, unable to stop grinning. "Choose a password—anything you'd like." Lily frowned for a moment then she smiled.

"How about 'Dumbledore'?" James shrugged and tapped the parchment, muttering their headmaster's name. Suddenly, the paper unfurled itself, and it hung in midair.

"You know what to do," James said to the parchment. Words suddenly appeared on the parchment, in an elegant scrawl. Lily leaned forward and squinted slightly to read what was written:

_Mr. Prongs is proud to present the Joke Parchment!_

"Joke parchment?" Lily asked dubiously with one raised eyebrow. James nodded quickly.

"Say, you're feeling down in the dumps, right? You'd need a quick boost of happiness. What better to do that than a parchment bewitched to tell you jokes specifically attuned to whatever your tastes are at the moment?"

"Whatever my tastes are?"

"Well, there's plenty of different kinds of jokes. There're the stupid fart jokes, the always humorous intelligence jokes, and even dirty jokes if you're into that sort of thing," he said, ducking when Lily made to lightly slap him on the shoulder. Suddenly, she smiled—widely.

"Thank you so much," she gushed, leaning forward to take his hand and squeeze it gently. James grinned, watching as she looked at the parchment again, wondering if she realized she was still holding his hand. "Wait…what's Mr. Prongs?" she asked after several moments of silence. James blinked. He was pretty sure she had known about their Animagus forms. After all, the two of them had talked about it a little over a week ago.

"Well, my Animagus form is a stag, so that's my nickname. Mr. Prongs, you know…for the…" he trailed off, just noticing Lily's pale face.

"What's your Patronus?" she asked him quickly, almost snapping at him.

"A s-stag," he stammered, shocked by her tone. Lily closed her eyes and she seemed to force a smile.

"D'you know what my Patronus is, Potter?" she asked him. The question seemed harmless enough, but her tone was now even colder and, in all honesty, quite frightening.

"Um…it's an otter, right? At least, that's what…" he trailed off again as he watched Lily gently grab the parchment and roll it up, placing it in her pocket.

"Thanks for the present, Potter," she said curtly, then, without another word, she walked quickly away.

"Did I just miss something?" he wondered aloud, scowling when a house-elf nodded his enormous head vigorously.

XXX

She felt quite stupid. She knew what the three boys' Animagus forms were, she knew! She had known for weeks that James was a stag.

Then why was the knowledge suddenly so shocking?

Quickly, without pausing to answer Peter's question about James as she entered the Gryffindor common room, Lily ran up the stairs and entered the fifth year girls' dormitory. As she had hoped, all three of her friends were in there, lounging in their beds, talking about nothing in particular. Mary smiled when she noticed Lily.

"So, how was your conversation with your boyfriend?" she said with a mischievous gleam in her eye. Lily ignored her.

"Did any of you tell anyone that my Patronus changed?" she asked, trying to keep the worry out of her voice. Mary and Kate shook their heads, but Alice nodded guiltily.

"I didn't know I wasn't—"

"That doesn't matter, Alice. Who did you tell?" Lily asked as softly as she could.

"Frank."

"Do you know if Frank told anyone?" _Please say no, _Lily prayed. _Please say no!_ Alice nodded again, this time with far more trepidation.

"He was just talking to the other boys about it," she admitted. Lily's eyes widened, realizing that it wouldn't be long until the word got around the school. She slowly sank into the nearest bed, not noticing Mary sitting next to her, a worried expression on her face.

"Lily, what happened?" she asked quietly.

"P-Potter's Patronus…it's a stag!" she said in a heated whisper. And, of course, in her distress, she didn't notice the other three girls exchange gleeful looks.


	12. Voldemort's Shadow

**Hello! First of all, I'd like to thank everybody who reviewed. Each one makes my day! Also, thank you to my beta, In Love With Prongs—who always does an incredible job. And of course, I do NOT own anything. I used a lot of Rowling's words in this chapter, and I do hope I did it justice, though that could be my own wishful thinking. Anyway, thanks for reading, and please review!**

Chapter Twelve- Voldemort's Shadow

Lily cursed under her breath as she searched for a spare quill in her bag. Of course only _she_ would lose her quill within the last half hour that she used it. Normal people were able to keep track of their writing utensils…

For the hundredth time, she wondered why the magical community didn't use pencils and pens. It was just plain common sense.

"Aha!" she whispered excitedly once she located her quill, hidden beneath the multitudes of textbooks in her bag.

"Aha what?" a nastily annoying and familiar voice said from her right. Lily turned slightly to see James grinning at her, his brown eyes bright behind his glasses—which were, of course, slipping down the bridge of his nose.

"You don't sit here," she commented as he sat down next to her, rather than answering his completely _silly_ question.

"Mary wanted to switch out with me. And Alice wanted to switch out with Sirius. Weird, huh?" he said offhandedly, leaning back in his chair until its two front legs were no longer on the floor. Lily resisted the urge to push him backwards, sending him headlong into the desk behind them.

"They did? How—incredibly unfortunate." James just shrugged and twirled his wand between his fingers. Having to resist the urge to push him again, Lily turned to her notes, reviewing what they had covered in their last Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

"So…I hear your Patronus changed," James said quietly after several minutes of complete silence.

"So…I hear that Gryffindor lost to Hufflepuff because of _your_ arrogance." James looked shocked.

"Low blow, Evans, truly. Besides, if you want to blame someone blame our Seeker. I can't do _everything_. But that's not important. How come your Patronus changed?"

"Go look it up in the library," Lily told him. He gasped, put a hand over his eyes, and looked away.

"You hear what kind of blasphemy she tells us?" James moaned as he shook his head. Lily was confused about who he was talking to for only a moment. From her other side, Sirius gasped just as dramatically.

"The library? I mean, dear Lily, how could you even _suggest_ such a thing?" Sirius demanded. He then grinned evilly. "Besides, I can tell James why your Patronus changed. I mean, _I _know why it changed." Lily raised an eyebrow, but instead of responding, she pointed to the front of the class where their DADA professor for that year was preparing for class. James, however, ignored her.

"Why? Why'd it change, Padfoot?" he asked in a hiss, leaning behind Lily to speak with Sirius. The gray-eyed boy chuckled.

"It's because—" he began only to be cut off by Lily rather quickly.

"You two should really pay attention. Defense is quite the important class." Sirius and James looked at each other and let out simultaneous snorts of laughter.

"First of all, she'll be gone by the end of the year—after all, none of them so far lasted more than a year—and secondly, we know this rubbish," James said confidently, pointing to his seemingly unused textbook. Sirius nodded in agreement.

"I don't know why you care so much, Lily. You're better than us in this class!" he said as he rolled his eyes. Lily blushed at the compliment, but otherwise didn't comment on it. Instead, she shook her head.

"When the two of you fail your O.W.L.'s, then I'll laugh." The two boys just laughed again, completely disregarding her statement. Sirius leaned towards Lily, his long hair falling into his eyes.

"My dear Lily, surely you understand that even if you stop me from telling him now, I'll tell him later," he whispered. James nodded enthusiastically.

"How do you even know why it changed?" Lily asked him, honestly curious. Sirius grinned widely.

"Ask a Marauder no questions about how he knows why your Patronus changed, and he won't have to tell you how Mary let it slip earlier this morning." He raised his hands up into the air, as if to say he had nothing to do with what Mary had done. Lily narrowed her eyes at him.

"Do you four practice these lines?" she muttered, turning away from the both of them, annoyed. "And I don't care if you tell him. You know what? _I'll_ tell him." Lily looked at James with a stern glare. "A Patronus changes when someone undergoes a great change, or they…" she paused, suddenly unwilling to continue.

"Or they fall in love," Mary hissed as she walked past them to sit where James and Sirius normally were, in the very back of class.

"Mary! I know where you sleep!" Lily cried over her friend's insane laughter. Mary just waved her hand, and gave Alice a high-five.

"Miss Evans, are you threatening a student? And you, a Prefect!" Alice said in a voice uncannily similar to McGonagall's. Of course, before Lily was able to tell Alice exactly what threatening a student actually meant, the bell rang and Professor Janie Summers began her lecture.

And _of course_, Lily didn't miss the look on James' face—a cross between contemplative and excitement.

XXX

The next morning, the Great Hall was far more subdued than anyone could ever remember—even more silent than when Dumbledore spoke to them about Voldemort for the first time, back in second year. Perhaps it was because of the news that hundreds of owls had brought to Hogwarts, but the reaction to the news was more likely the reason.

James wasn't eating—no one was—rather, he was flipping through the _Daily Prophet_ with narrowed eyes, reading and re-reading the same article.

The protective little bubble he had lived in for the past fifteen years of his life suddenly vanished, and he was exposed to a harsh reality: His entire world was threatening to crash down on him.

_**Attack on Diagon Alley**_

_In a shockingly violent move early last night, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and his followers, Death Eaters, launched an attack on Diagon Alley, killing dozens and injuring hundreds. Aurors who responded to the attack insist that the situation is now under control._

"_This attack is unfortunate and has cost many lives, but I ask the magical community to stay calm in light of these events," said the Head of the Magical Law Enforcement, Charlus Potter. _

"_We must do everything in our power to assure the safety of the people."_

_The Minister of Magic, Millicent Bagnold, maintains that the attack was a complete surprise move, however, many in the Ministry seem to disagree._

"_The Minister got a letter from You-Know-Who a week ago. He said that she had to pass the new law kicking muggle-borns out of Hogwarts and firing those that work in the Ministry. Everyone told her not to ignore it," said a Ministry of Magic employee who wished to remain unnamed. _

"_That is complete rubbish. The Ministry refuses to listen to the words of a terrorist," Potter said when told of the letter. _

_However, many claim that the law must be passed._

"_If we can save dozens of lives by not allowing a few into our world, then we must do it, for the greater good," said recent Hogwarts graduate, Lucius Malfoy. _

_The Headmaster of Hogwarts School, Albus Dumbledore, was unavailable for comment, however the Deputy Headmistress, Minerva McGonagall, made their viewpoints known._

"_The day that Hogwarts doesn't accept every magical child that wishes to learn, as it has done since the time of the Founders themselves, it will be a very sad day indeed." _

_Potter concurs, using far more blunt terminology._

"_We shall not bend for the viewpoints of a few. Those who place such importance on blood status are nothing more than uncivilized and brainwashed imbeciles." _

Remus looked up at James, a faint smile on his lips.

"Your dad really told them, didn't he?" he said softly, realizing joking was not quite the right thing to do, but still wanting to somehow lighten the mood. James shrugged without even looking Remus in the eye.

Instead, he took a moment to look at those who sat around him. Lily, Mary, Alice, and Kate were talking in hushed—but heated—tones, gesturing widely, constantly pointing to the paper. They were not strangers to what was going on. Especially not Lily and Mary.

Sirius, raised in a family that believed that such things were acceptable, had his chin on the table, his eyes filled with unbridled fury at those he had once called friends. Sirius, too, was no stranger to this.

Remus, a half-breed, a werewolf, had been persecuted since the day that he was bitten. He had never lived a moment's peace because he was always wondering from where the next injustice would come. He sat there, his small smile slowly disappearing to be replaced by a worried frown. Remus was no stranger to this evil.

Peter was a half-blood, and though significantly more sheltered than Remus or Sirius, he had experienced loss at the hand of the Death Eaters. After all, hadn't his aunt been found underneath the Dark Mark? Hadn't he been devastated for months afterward? He wasn't eating, and his hands were shaking violently; his eyes were glazed. Even clumsy Peter was no stranger to Voldemort's tyranny.

But James was.

James never had to deal with the so-called 'war.' He didn't lose anyone close to him, he was never subjected to prejudice or hatred. He was a pureblood, a very prominent pureblood, and such things were just…never important.

He had hated his father for spending so much time at the Ministry. He had hated him for never writing. James had detested his father's signature bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep, and his constant fatigue—things that came from working all day, and then all night. But he found suddenly that he couldn't begrudge his father. Not when the man was fighting for what he believed in.

James sighed as he realized that Voldemort truly did affect him, that because he had friends who were at risk of being unable to live their lives, he was automatically caught up in the fray. For Sirius, for Remus…for Lily.

He took one last look at the paper in his hand, with the article and a picture of his father standing in the midst of a ruined building in Diagon Alley, and he realized that he was no longer in his little bubble.

He had to fight.

As soon as this incredible thought entered his mind, James noticed several across the Great Hall seemed to be crying. Remus must have seen the confusion on his face because he answered James' unspoken question:

"They lost someone in the attack." Remus's voice was incredibly soft, and full of sadness. His eyes strayed over to where Lily was sitting, now ignoring the debate that was still going on between the other three girls. And once again, Remus answered James' unspoken query. "The muggleborn law." Though Remus didn't elaborate, James knew exactly what he meant. "I'm going to class," Remus suddenly announced to the others in their vicinity.

"Why?" James couldn't help but ask.

"Anywhere's better than here. You coming? Sirius? Frank? Peter? Girls?" He gave them each a nod as he looked at them, and to James' ultimate surprise, every single one of them nodded.

As one, all of the fifth year Gryffindors left the Great Hall, trying their best to ignore the faint crying from behind them.

"D'you think the Minister will give in to You-Know-Who's demands?" Mary asked faintly after several moments of complete silence. She wasn't asking any individual in particular. She was asking them all.

"Even if she does, d'you honestly think that Dumbledore would allow it? He'd go mad, and everyone knows not to get on Dumbledore's bad side," Sirius said, keeping his voice light, though James knew better. There was an underlying ferocity, as if Sirius had come to the same conclusion as James. He was ready to fight.

Again, they lapsed into silence, walking slowly down the corridors and up the stairs, heading towards their History of Magic lesson. Remus and Peter occasionally muttered a few quiet words to each other, as did Alice, Kate, and Frank. Sirius seemed like he was lost. And so it was James that noticed Lily lagging behind the rest of them, her head held down, her shoulders slumped.

"Are you okay?" James asked, slowing down for her to catch up. The others still did not notice; they continued to walk on. Lily looked up, and he was surprised to see that her eyes were blazing.

"How long d'you think it'll take before everyone supports Voldemort?" she asked harshly, giving him a hard look. James' head reeled at the use of the name, and then he comprehended what she had said.

"How can you even think that?" he stammered, shocked. Lily let out a mirthless laugh.

"I mean, sure, Dumbledore will always fight him, and probably most of those loyal to him, but everyone else? They're all filthy hypocrites. All of them." James looked at her carefully, not understanding where this sudden vehemence came from.

"Hypocrites?" he repeated softly. She turned away from him, looking at their friends' backs.

"Did you know it was Severus that first told me I was a witch?" She still didn't look at him. "He told me that someone would come explain everything when I got my letter, because I was muggleborn." Lily closed her eyes, as if it was physically painful to continue. "I asked him if that made a difference, and he looked me right in the eyes and said no!" James tentatively reached out and touched her arm, unsure about how she'd react. When she flinched away from him, he felt something in his chest give way.

"Lily—" he began, unable to look at her now that he had felt her rejection—truly _felt_ the pain of it.

"But look at him now. He calls everyone of my birth Mudblood, proving that he does believe that it makes a difference!" James opened and closed his mouth soundlessly, realizing that the others had finally noticed the two of them. Sirius was looking at Lily with a tender expression, Remus was pitying, and Mary immediately pulled her friend into a hug.

James continued to stand there, not quite feeling anything at all.

"How long before people we've known and been friends with turn on people like me and Mary?" Lily demanded. "How long until Charlus Potter comes out and says something like what he told me? That we're only_ Mudbloods? _How dare he stand there in the ruins of Diagon Alley, where innocents have lost their lives, and lie?" Finally, it occurred to James that she was furious over his father's comments. The memories of learning about his father's cruelty came rushing back, and he found that Lily was right. Who could she trust? Who could truly give her the confidence that they'd fight for her? He looked up to see a single tear rolling down her cheek as she finished her rant. "It would be best if everyone just gave into Voldemort now, at least then, Mudbloods like me won't be such a bother."

For the first time in his life, James saw Remus truly get angry.

The boy's eyes flashed, and he grabbed Lily's arms firmly, forcing her to look at him.

"Don't _ever_ think that way," he demanded, his voice harsh. "Don't _ever_ call yourself that filthy word!" He shook her gently. "Do you understand?" Kate nodded in agreement.

"So James' dad is a liar. And so is Snape. But you have us! You and Mary have all of us." Mary smiled at Kate, who blushed, realizing that their feud was now over. Alice grinned slightly.

"Lily, you do realize that there's no way you could ever get rid of us, right?" The girl said, her eyes full of tears. Sirius nodded at the statement, rushing forward to pull the green-eyed girl in tight hug.

"Dear Lily," he said softly, "you're pretty damn smart, but you sure can be daft sometimes." At his statement, everyone laughed except for James. Mary and Lily hugged, a very red Frank gave Alice a kiss on the cheek, Peter, Remus, and Sirius put their arms around each other's shoulders, and Kate patted Mary on the back, everyone smiling, happy knowing that they had each other even if Voldemort's shadow was ever increasing.

James closed his eyes, pulled out his Invisibility Cloak from his bag when no one was glancing his way, and he threw it on, leaving the scene sure in the knowledge that no one would even notice his absence. And that was just the way he wanted it.

Of course, he didn't notice a pair of green eyes focused on him the entire time.

XXX

He knew he was dreaming. Things like this couldn't happen in real life.

They were different from before, that much was certain, yet they were far more terrifying. Partly because he felt so lost while he was having them, but mostly because of the pain he felt.

The dream started out alright, he conceded. He was once again drowning in a pool of water, but, at the last minute—right before he was sure that he would succumb to the blackness—Sirius would grasp his arm and pull him up. There was a small grin on his best friend's face as he asked if James was mental. After all, what normal person would drown in a pool that was only a foot deep? When James looked back at the water, he saw that Sirius was indeed correct, but that couldn't be right. He could've sworn that his feet barely reached the bottom…but before he could ponder on it further, the dream changed.

He was standing in the middle of the Great Hall. His breathing was harsh, and he felt pain all across his body, especially at his forehead. Wincing, he rubbed it with the back of his hand, surprised to feel some sort of scar.

"Mr. Longbottom, have you seen Potter?" James' head swiveled at the sound of his name. It was shocking to see McGonagall leaning heavily on a boy that looked nothing like Frank, her face covered with blood.

It was then that he noticed the wreckage.

The Great Hall was in ruins, there was no other word for it. The stones had been blasted apart, the tables were laden by bodies of still or moaning students who were being cared for by a frantic Pomfrey. Even the hourglasses, filled with rubies and sapphires, had been destroyed, little stones rolling on the floor.

"No, Professor. I haven't seen him. Ron said Harry disappeared after the last demand by Voldemort." James frowned. His name wasn't Harry. He knew no Ron. The sudden fear in McGonagall's eyes forced James to pay closer attention to her and the unknown boy. He had never seen the professor care so much about a student.

"You don't think…that he'd…" she stopped, obviously unable to continue. The boy, Longbottom, shook his head reassuringly.

"I'm sure Harry wouldn't give up on us like that. I'm going to help Oliver with the bodies—will you be fine, Professor?" he asked her softly, helping her sit on a large piece of broken stone. McGonagall immediately set to cleaning off the blood with a conjured towel.

"I'll be fine. I just hope Harry will too."

And then the dream changed.

James was in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. He immediately recognized where he was because he tended to avoid this area. The acromantulas didn't quite like company, especially that of a werewolf and his three Animagus friends.

James watched carefully as the man who stood in the middle shook his head sadly, his red eyes brimming with anger. Somehow, James knew that this was Voldemort.

"I thought he would come…I was sure he would come…" he said slowly, causing many in the vicinity to flinch. James wondered why they didn't see him, why they kept looking his way, but seemed to look through him. "It seems…I was…mistaken."

"You weren't." It was a powerful voice. A boy, perhaps a few years older than himself, stood in the middle of the clearing, his head held up high. Several aspects of the boy shocked him. First it was the uncanny resemblance between the two of them. They had the same hair, the same thin face, even the same slender build. However, more shocking was the boy's eyes, a vivid—almost emerald—green.

It was the exact shape and shade of Lily's eyes.

James watched in fascination as the boy stepped forward bravely, even if he was unsure what a mere child would be doing in the middle of a clearing filled with Death Eaters and Voldemort. But then, suddenly, his fascination turned into horror as Voldemort raised his wand and began to yell out the Killing Curse.

It was as if everything had been slowed down. He could see the boy's eyes close, he could see the single tear that was rolling down his cheek, he could see that the boy made no effort to pull out a wand—to defend himself. James felt as if all the wind had been knocked out of him. His head spun, and he suddenly felt as if a thousand pounds were being dropped onto his chest.

Without even thinking about it, James rushed forward; why should this boy get hurt, he thought to himself as he ran. But he knew it was a futile effort. The boy's eyes opened, and James noticed the resignation, even a spark of excitement, in them. The curse hit him squarely in the chest, and James found himself yelling.

"Harry! Harry! No!"

James woke with a start, unable to remember anything from his blasted dream except for a pair of dazzling green eyes that had accepted death.

He shivered, pulled his covers more tightly around him, and he hoped never to see those eyes again.

XXX

James had been acting odd all week, so when Remus finally pulled her aside after a Potions session, Lily didn't complain. She knew exactly what he was going to talk about. Of course, she had to figure out how to make sure she wouldn't be involved.

She didn't want anything to do with James.

"There's something wrong with him, Lily!" Remus exclaimed, pulling her into an unused classroom. She dropped her things to the ground and stared at Remus.

"So? What does it have to do with me?" she almost snapped, honestly annoyed. Ever since the article about Charlus Potter had been in the paper, Lily had had a hard time dealing with James. Especially with his daily, 'Will you go out with me?' questions. It just reminded her of the past, and though she hated blaming James for something his father did, she couldn't help but compare the two of them—and day by day, James was becoming more like the _great_ Mr. Potter.

"The only thing we've gotten out of him is that he had a weird dream. Can't you talk to him about it?" Remus pleaded. Lily ran her fingers through her hair.

"Why does it matter? It's a bad dream, so what? I get them all the time," she muttered, shivering slightly as she remembered her last one, where her parents had blamed her for their deaths. She shivered again, unable to stop her eyes from filling with tears.

"He stopped going to Quidditch practice, he hasn't done homework in a week, he wanders around alone under his Cloak—Lily, there's something seriously wrong!" She opened her mouth to say she had no intention of helping James Potter, when she remembered the play he had put on with the others. It wouldn't be fair, she realized, to ignore him when he was in need, when he hadn't ignored her.

"Fine. I'll talk to him, but what you think that'll accomplish, I'll never know." She bent to pick up her bag, and when she straightened, she noticed Remus staring at her like he'd never quite seen her before.

"I—I thought you'd argue more. I was ready to give a long speech about why you should help," he suddenly admitted, still staring at her oddly. Lily looked into Remus's blue eyes and found herself completely insulted.

"I'm not a bad person, Remus. I may not like Potter, but it doesn't mean I'm going to let him suffer if there might be something I could do for him," she said angrily. She had very little going for her—she was a muggleborn, she had no family, and she had very little money—but one thing she prided herself on was her character.

She was a pretty nice girl, thank you very much.

Remus immediately shook his head, obviously finally realizing that his words had come out wrong. He grinned at her before pulling her into a tight hug, his eyes widening in surprise when she hugged him back, just as firmly.

"I didn't say you were a bad person, Lily. I suppose it just occurred to me how _great_ of a person you really are," he whispered. Lily laughed and pushed Remus away, wiping away the tear that had escaped.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, my friend," she teased, and Remus chuckled before putting an arm around her shoulder and leading her out of the classroom.

"Remus." Lily felt Remus's hand tighten on her shoulder, but he didn't pull away. She looked at him questioningly, before realizing that he wasn't the one that had spoken. Pushing aside the feelings of stupidity, Lily followed his gaze to see James standing with his arms crossed across his chest, his back leaning against the stone wall, one leg bent at the knee. He had this odd smirk on his face.

"James." Remus still didn't release Lily, though she was beginning to wish he would. She wanted to get away, get away from what she knew was coming.

He was going to do it again; he was going to hurt someone with his words. She just wasn't sure if it was Remus or herself.

James' smirk widened as he turned to Lily, and suddenly she knew whom he had chosen to hurt. Not Remus, not his best friend, the one he had become an Animagus for, but her. She wanted to close her eyes in preparation, but thought that it would show fear, and she wasn't afraid.

His words couldn't hurt her.

"_Snivellus_ was looking for you. He had the utter…_misfortune_…to run into me before he found you. We exchanged words. I think Pomfrey is taking care of him now." James' voice was flat, his eyes cold. Immediately, Lily stiffened and she threw Remus's arm off her shoulder. She turned to him sadly.

"I'm not that _great_ person after all, Remus. Find someone else," she said. James laughed aloud.

"She really isn't, Remus. After all, her best friend is a Death Eater. She's friends with a murderer. She probably gets a kick out of that. You support You-Know-Who, Evans?" James sneered. Lily pulled out her wand, and pointed at his throat. She pressed it tightly against his jugular.

"How dare you even _suggest_ such a thing? Voldemort killed my parents! He destroyed my life!" Lily was trying so hard to not hex him; she was trying so hard to not hurt him, but she wanted to. She desperately wanted to. "I'd rather _die_ before I support Voldemort!" James' eyes suddenly widened, a look of pure fear appearing in them, but she didn't care. Without another word, she snatched her wand away and rushed towards the hospital, hoping that Severus was all right.

Closing her eyes as she walked, she realized that she had been wrong about James. She had thought his words weren't painful, that she hadn't been afraid of them, but she had been so terribly wrong. Maybe, once, she hadn't given a second thought to what he said, after all, it was just _James_ talking. But he had changed somewhat, he had managed to make her feel better when others hadn't. She had even begun to think that she could get past knowing who his father was. She had been so dreadfully wrong.

He hadn't changed. And she was afraid of his words.

Because, as it turned out, they were excruciating.

XXX

"What the hell is your problem, James?" Remus yelled, causing several heads to turn. They were lucky that it was the lunch hour, because if it wasn't, many more would have witnessed Remus's fury. But James was shaking. He had seen those eyes again. Those green eyes. Remus grabbed James' robes and he pushed him roughly against the wall. "Why do you do this? Why do you lash out at people when you feel like crap? Why do you alienate everyone?" he asked, punctuating each question by slamming James against the wall again. For a moment, he didn't even know what to say. He was still reeling because he had seen those eyes again.

"W-what?" he stammered. Remus stopped hitting him against the wall.

"What's wrong with you, James?" he asked sadly, shaking his head in disappointment. "Why do you have to be a such an arse?" James looked at his friend, blinking rapidly.

"Remus, you don't know what you're talking about," he said very quietly. At the confused look on Remus's face, he elaborated. "I'm not an arse, I'm a terrible human being."

"James—"

"I mean, look at me! I'm a Potter! I'm a pureblood! I'm a part of a family that could make a difference! Yet I stand here and I do _nothing_! You know why?" He gave Remus a crazed look, laughing. "Because I'm a coward! Because when it comes down to it, I would never be willing to die for a cause!"

"James—"

"But it doesn't matter. Because I'm going to revel in my inhumanity. I'm going to be the arse. I'm going to be a berk. Because, otherwise, I have nothing else to live for." He watched as Remus's eyes widened in shock and he laughed, laughed as he remembered the green eyes, laughed as he realized that everyone he knew had more honor than he did—because he was his father, through and through.

"Y-you don't mean any of that, James!" Remus muttered, letting James go.

"I do, though. Every word."

XXX

The next few months passed in a daze for Lily. If she wasn't completely focused on her work and studying for the O.W.L.s, then she was spending time with Severus, giving subtle hints about what she thought about the Dark Arts. Of course, Sev would pick up on it quite quickly, and he'd find a reason to run off. Which just made her angry.

James she completely ignored. Whether he was taunting other students, hexing them as they passed in the corridors, or coming up with an incredibly creative way of asking her out, she would just give him an emotionless look and turn away. She didn't bother with yelling; it would do no good. She didn't bother with glares; it'd just roll off him.

But now she didn't have time to contemplate James Potter or Severus Snape. The O.W.L.s were only days away, and she spent all her time exclusively on studying. Not only had she completely skipped the Quidditch Final—a riveting match between Gryffindor and Slytherin, so she had been told—but she hadn't gone to any of the Hogsmeade trips, either. She had no intention of failing, she thought to herself smugly.

Once the exams were over, she could finally breathe freely.

XXX

The Defense Against the Dark Arts exam was a total joke, James thought as he studied what he had read for a moment before pushing it away from himself, preferring to doodle.

"Five more minutes!" yelled Professor Flitwick from several rows away, and James rolled his eyes. He had been done nearly fifteen minutes ago, and he was getting bored.

The Snitch that he was drawing quickly grew tiresome as well, so he began watching the other students. He could see Remus's calm expression, and he was quite glad the werewolf was no longer upset with him over how he had treated Lily several months ago.

Speaking of Lily…

James leaned to his right to see that she had also finished, and she was twirling her quill between her fingers, seemingly without a care in the world. He began to trace her initials inside of the Snitch, wishing more than ever that she'd just give him a chance—accept one date. Then again, he could understand why she wouldn't want to. He was a Potter. A Potter.

He ran his fingers through his hair nervously, and, throwing a glance towards the professor, turned around in his seat to look at Sirius. He was lounging back in his seat, looking as if he owned the world, but the moment he saw James, he grinned widely and gave James the thumbs-up.

"Quills down, please!" Professor Flitwick called. "That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect your parchment! _Accio!_" At once, more than a hundred rolls of parchment flew into Flitwick's outstretched arms, causing him to lose his balance and trip. Many began to laugh, but James wasn't one of them. He stared intently at the little Charms professor, wondering if the man was all right.

"Thank you…thank you," Flitwick said as two students hurried over to help him up. James sighed. "Very well, everybody, you're free to go!" James grinned widely, quickly scratched out his Snitch, before stuffing his things into his bag and jumping to his feet. As he waited for Sirius to join him, he watched Lily approach Mary and the others, and head out for the grounds.

By the time Remus and Peter had reached them, they had already emerged into the entrance hall. Sirius turned slightly to grin at Remus.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" he asked, and grinned even wider. Remus looked at him for a moment, and James was sure he was about to roll his eyes, but instead, he gave a brief nod.

"Loved it," he said briskly, "'Give five signs that identify the werewolf.' Excellent question." James worked hard to contain his laughter.

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" he asked with mock concern, barely able to hide his smile. Remus nodded seriously.

"Think I did," he said. "One: He's sitting in my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name is Remus Lupin…" At that, three of them burst into laughter, finally managing to get through the crowds eager to get outside. Peter bit his lip nervously, not even smiling.

"I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail, but I couldn't think of what else—" he said anxiously, still biting his lip. James narrowed his eyes slightly, shaking his head.

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" he said impatiently, oblivious to Remus's warning glance, "You run around with a werewolf once a month—"

"Keep your voice down," Remus said, and James, with one final disbelieving look at Peter, let the topic go. They walked in silence for several moments, each lost to their own thoughts. James kept glancing towards the lake, where he knew Lily was, wondering if perhaps he could ask her out one more time before dinner.

"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake," Sirius said, finally breaking the silence. "I'll be surprised if I don't get Outstanding on it at least." James nodded in agreement, knowing that Sirius was right. Was it only in February that Lily had warned the two of them that they'd fail?

"Me too," he said as he pulled out the Snitch that he had taken from the locker rooms earlier. Despite the fact he wasn't a Seeker, he had always liked the position. Never enough to actually want to play, though. Too much rested on the Seeker's shoulders. Too much praise. He didn't want all that.

"Where'd you get that?" Sirius asked casually, sitting next to Remus, who had already pulled out a book and was busy reading. James shrugged.

"Nicked it." He started to play with the little winged ball, letting it fly up to a foot away before reaching out and grabbing it. He noticed Peter watching him in awe, and he found he didn't quite mind. He wanted his friends to think he was cool, he wanted them to like him. So what if Peter seemed a little…too excited?

"Put that away, will you? Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement." Sirius's tone was bored and uncaring, but James realized that he didn't appreciate James' not so subtle showing off. Peter blushed slightly, but James just grinned.

"If it bothers you," he chuckled, placing the golden ball back into his pocket, to Peter's obvious dismay.

"I'm bored," Sirius mumbled finally. "I wish it were a full moon." At that, Remus looked up and quirked an eyebrow.

"You might," he said with a dark look before pushing his textbook towards Sirius. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me…Here." James watched in amusement as Sirius snorted.

"I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all." Again, James had to hide his grin by turning away slightly. To his utter surprise, none other than Severus Snape sat not ten feet away from them, deeply absorbed in his essay. James grinned evilly.

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot. Look who it is…." Sirius's head turned slightly and his eyes lit up when he saw Snape.

"Excellent. _Snivellus._"

James and Sirius made their way slowly towards the greasy git, Peter laughing along behind them. He noticed, briefly, that Remus hadn't even moved, his book still in his hand, a frown on his face, but James didn't care. He was going to hex the Slytherin that had managed to have Lily's friendship, when _he_ couldn't.

"All right there, Snivellus?" he called out loudly, attracting many peoples' attention. He ran his fingers through his hair again, and pushed up his glasses that were slipping down his nose.

He was about to make the git suffer.

XXX

The test had been rather easy, and she was in good spirits, even agreeing with Mary and Alice that taking off their shoes and socks and allowing their feet to dangle in the lake was a good idea. They were laughing at something Kate had just said when she heard it. Four words that turned her insides into ice and made her feel sick.

"All right there, Snivellus?" James called out from underneath a tree a good way off. Lily watched in horror as Severus looked up and pulled out his wand, knowing that the Slytherin was nowhere as fast as James or Sirius.

"_Expelliarmus!_" James said, almost lazily, forcing Severus's wand to fly nearly twelve feet away. Sirius laughed, and even from this distance, Lily could see that he was enjoying himself far too much.

"_Impedimenta!_" Sirius yelled once he noticed that Sev had thrown himself to the ground in an effort to grab his wand. She wanted to close her eyes, to find out this wasn't happening. Sirius, someone she cared for and considered close, wasn't really harming her best friend. Two Gryffindors who didn't believe in blood supremacy or prejudice weren't just hexing Severus for fun.

But that was exactly what was happening.

She watched in horror as people began edging nearer to watch, amused expressions on their faces.

"Lily, don't interfere," Mary said slowly, following her gaze. Lily turned to look at her friend in shock.

"What d'you mean! They're hurting Sev!" she cried, missing the dark look on Mary's face.

"So what? It'll be payback for all the times he hurt someone with his Death Eater friends," Kate said angrily, glancing quickly at Mary. There was only a moment's indecision before:

"I'm so sorry, Mary. But I have to help him," she said apologetically, quickly pulling on her shoes.

"He's going to turn on you, Lily," Alice said quietly as James laughed.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" he called, grinned at Sirius.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Sirius began viciously. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word." Many began to laugh, but Lily found herself even more infuriated.

"Turn on me?" she asked Alice in a civil tone, though she was barely containing her anger. "What's that supposed to mean?" She knew exactly what Alice meant.

"You—wait," Severus panted, trying to get up even though the jinx was still operating on him. "You—wait…" There was hatred in his voice, and it was just as loud as James or Sirius's.

"I'm just looking out for you, Lily," Alice said as she put a hand on her shoulder. Lily nearly gave in; nearly.

"Wait for what?" said Sirius coolly. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?" Immediately her head swiveled around, somewhat ignoring Alice's restraining hand on her arm. She watched as Severus began yelling out a stream of mixed swearwords and hexes, but, as his wand was too far away, nothing happened.

"Wash out your mouth," James said coldly. "_Scourgify!_" Pink soap bubbles streamed from Severus's mouth, and Lily knew that it was choking him. Enough was enough. She snatched her arm away from Alice and she ran towards Severus and her housemates, fully intending to put a stop to this madness.

"Leave him ALONE!" she yelled as she reached them. James and Sirius both turned to look at her. The former's hand immediately went to his hair.

"All right, Evans?" he asked, purposefully making his voice deeper, some convoluted version of suave in his eyes. She stared at him with every ounce of dislike she could muster. She thought of his arrogance, and more importantly, his father's arrogance, and it wasn't too hard to actually feel like she hated him.

"Leave him alone," she repeated, ignoring James' question. "What's he done to you?" James smirked, tilting his head to one side, as if thinking hard.

"Well," he began slowly, "it's more the fact that he _exists_, if you know what I mean…." Again, many began to laugh, including Sirius and Peter, but Lupin, who was still engrossed in his book, didn't, and neither did Lily.

"You think you're funny," she said coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone_." Her voice was practically icy by the end of her sentence, her eyes narrowed.

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James said quickly, as if the thought just occurred to him. "Go on…Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again." Lily crinkled her nose in distaste.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," she snapped. Sirius looked at James quickly.

"Bad luck, Prongs," he said briskly, as if hoping to end the confrontation then and there. But he turned back to Severus and Lily's eyes followed his. "OY!" he yelled out, but he was too late.

Severus had directed his newly attained wand straight at James, and in a flash of light, a gash appeared on the side of his face, splattering his robes with his blood. James acted quickly; in another flash, Severus was hanging upside down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal his legs and a pair of graying underpants. Lily found herself oddly amused. For one thing, she didn't realize some didn't wear clothes beneath their robes, and she wondered if it would have been too hard on Sev to put on a pair of pants. And of course, Severus had just cast a spell she recognized. The same one that had hurt Mary. A part of her felt like he deserved the dangling. But the amusement was gone in an instant, as were her ill feelings towards Severus.

"Let him down," she told James firmly, and he grinned at her.

"Certainly," he chuckled, letting Severus fall to a heap. Of course, Severus couldn't just let it go. He quickly got up and pulled out his wand again, and Sirius wasn't ready to take any chances.

"_Locomotor mortis!_" he yelled, watching in satisfaction as Severus fell over, as stiff as a board. Lily had had enough. She pulled out her wand and pointed it at James and Sirius.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" she yelled, glaring at the two of them. They both seemed very wary suddenly.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," James said earnestly. Lily wanted to snort. As if James could beat _her_ in a duel. He was good, but she was ten times better.

"Take the curse off him, then!" Even though she was miffed about his comment, she took it in stride. Sighing, James pushed his glasses up to their proper place and muttered the countercurse.

"There you go," he said irritably as Severus got to his feet, "you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus—" Severus looked up, his face twisted into a snarl, his cheeks deeply red.

"I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!" he yelled. Lily blinked, momentarily stunned.

"Fine," she said coolly. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_." She knew that would hurt him the most. For her to call him the hated nickname James and Sirius gave him in first year. She almost smirked, but James didn't give her the opportunity.

"Apologize to Evans!" he roared, his eyes full of anger. Severus just looked shocked. James pointed his wand threateningly at Severus, and by now the bystanders had edged away. It was no longer any fun.

"I don't want _you_ to make him apologize," she yelled at him, giving him her best glare. "You're as bad as he is…."

"What!" James suddenly yelled in shock. "I'd NEVER call you a—you-know-what!" Lily wasn't having any more of this. Someone who called her his best friend had insulted her, and now the most arrogant boy in Hogwarts was trying to defend her. She was sick of it.

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can—I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK." And with those parting words, she spun on her heel and stalked away.

"Evans!" James shouted from behind her, "Hey, EVANS!"

But she didn't look back.

XXX

"What is it with her?" James asked his friends around him. Peter shrugged, but Sirius looked thoughtful.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," he said with a small smile.

"Right," James muttered, furious, "right—" He waved his wand, and Snape, who had been forgotten, was hanging in the air once more. James felt a certain satisfaction hurting the boy who had Lily's friendship and had thrown it away. "Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?" he asked, looking at Sirius. To his surprise, the dark-haired boy shook his head. James turned to Remus, who had finally put the book away, a furious expression on his face.

"James. That's enough." Three words. That's all it took. Three words, and the guilt that had been growing inside James since the day the article about the attack in Diagon Alley had been written, burst. He waved his wand, not caring to see if Snape was all right before he too headed towards the castle, finally realizing something that should have been obvious from the get go.

He had no right to treat people the way he did.

XXX

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath."

Lily stood leaning against the wall, her dressing gown wrapped tightly around her, feeling an anger bubbling in her stomach that she had never felt before. To see him here, begging to be forgiven, was just unbearable. She wanted to laugh at him, to cause him an ounce of the pain he had caused her today, but she didn't have the heart.

"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here," Lily said with less anger. She didn't mention that Mary had also said that he deserved to sleep out in the corridor all night, and that Lily should just ignore him. Severus, his eyes filled with sorrow, began to shift from his right leg to his left, compulsively.

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just—" Lily nearly snarled at this flimsy excuse. She had enough of his blasted games. It was time for him to own up to what he was aiming to become, or change his ways.

"Slipped out?" she interrupted, feeling no pity for Severus when he flinched. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends—" she watched him carefully, looking for any sort of denial. None came. "You see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?" Severus opened his mouth several times, without speaking. This was it. This was goodbye. "I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way. I've chosen mine." Severus looked panicked.

"No—listen, I didn't mean—"

"—to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?" She watched him struggle for words for only a moment before she gave him one last contemptuous glance, and then she climbed through the portrait hole, turning her back to the last link to her past, to life before Hogwarts.

She had sworn to herself that she wouldn't shed a single tear for him when she had ran off after he had called her that awful word. She had lost herself in the library, taking comfort in all the books, and she promised that he wasn't worth it, that crying wouldn't fix anything. That she was stronger than that.

And yet, as hard as she could, she wasn't able to stop the single tear that slid down her cheek as she went up the staircase that led to the girls' dormitories.

XXX

James wanted to sleep, but he was afraid of what he would see. It was like the weeks after Sirius's terrible prank all over again, except this time it was worse. He was at fault both times, though last time he had been able to take comfort that Sirius had done the worst of the damage. Now, he had to accept his shortcomings, and he hated it.

It was odd how quickly one's emotions can shift in the course of a day, or even the course of several minutes. Reading the article made him see that he needed to fight, but hearing Lily's anger at people like his father forced him to second-guess. Perhaps she was right. Would he turn on muggleborns because that was what was easy? The doubt had led to the firm belief that he wasn't a good person, which of course led him to acting like a complete idiot for months on end.

He wondered if Lily Evans could ever forgive him, not only for all the times he embarrassed her, but for what he had done to Snape after the DADA exam.

When he finally reached the common room, hoping to perhaps sneak out and get some hot chocolate from the kitchens, he was surprised to see that Lily was sitting next to the window, on the wide sill, staring out at the grounds. His heart screamed for him to go to her, that it was their last night at Hogwarts and that it couldn't be too harmful, but his mind kept yelling for him to run away in self-preservation.

"Lily?" he whispered, walking forward and ignoring his mind thoroughly. She didn't even move. Her gaze never wavered, and she didn't even acknowledge that he had spoken. "I know I'm the last person you want to talk to, I realize that, I swear," he began nervously, twiddling his fingers. "And I realize that you don't want to hear this from me, but…I'm sorry. I've been terrible to you all year, and what I did the other day out on the grounds," he paused, "that was inexcusable." Lily didn't turn to look at him, but she let out a small laugh.

"You don't have to apologize."

"But I do! If I hadn't been acting like an arse, then Snape never would have called you that word." He saw a faint crease appear between her brows, but she still didn't turn.

"It was going to happen eventually. You just made it happen sooner rather than later," she said softly. James blinked, and he sighed, running his fingers through his hair in agitation. He couldn't believe what he was about to do.

"I don't particularly like Snape…you could say I even detest him…" James closed his eyes, forcing himself to continue. "He really is sorry, Lily. I mean, he's so sorry that yesterday when I went to apologize—" Lily's head turned quickly as she interrupted him.

"You went to apologize?" she asked in shock, her green eyes wide. James coughed uncomfortably. He hadn't wanted her to know he did that.

"Um, yeah, but that doesn't matter—" he tried shaking it off, but Lily was too smart for that.

"Was James Potter actually feeling _guilty_ about something?" she asked in amusement. "So guilty that he apologized to someone he hates?" He frowned.

"I don't _hate_ him. I strongly dislike him. There _is_ a difference," he defended when he saw Lily's look. "Besides, that has nothing to do with what I'm saying. He didn't mean what he said! He's incredibly sorry, and I'm sure that if you gave him another chance, he'd never do something so stupid!" he said very quickly, not wanting her to interrupt him again. Though the amusement never left Lily's eyes, she nodded.

"I know he didn't mean it. And I know he's sorry. But that doesn't change anything. He's not the same Severus I knew when I was younger. He's not my best friend anymore." She turned back to the window, staring at the grounds once more. James just stood there stupidly.

"Lily, would you—" he began, but Lily cut him off with a small smile.

"No." He nodded at her one-worded answer and then felt his shoulders slump slightly. "Why do you do this? Why do you keep asking if you know what the answer will be?" she asked in in confusion, finally leaving the windowsill, her eyes focused on his. James shrugged.

"Because the only way I'll know if the answer has changed is if I keep asking," he muttered. Lily laughed.

"That's not the best logic, James," she said, still laughing, not noticing how his eyes widened in pleasant surprise when she used his first name. "Besides, if you really wanted the answer to change, you'd have to change first." He could tell that she had said it without really thinking, because she was still laughing, but he latched onto this small glimmer of hope.

"Change? How should I change?" Lily smiled and tilted her head thoughtfully.

"There's two sides of you. There's the incredibly annoying and arrogant toerag that I see most of the time, and then there's this thoughtful, kind, compassionate you that I see only briefly." James frowned at her response. That couldn't be true. That was complete rubbish—no one had two sides to their personality.

"What?" Lily laughed again.

"Sometimes, I think that if you went to nice James permanently, we could actually be friends," she explained, and James frowned in distaste. He didn't want to be just friends.

"Would you do it? Change for someone?" James asked her, and an odd expression appeared on her face.

"I think that if I loved someone enough, I'd change for them." He suddenly realized she was thinking about Severus. He grinned at her.

"Do you like the nice James?" he asked her with a wink, hoping to come off as uncaring, but really, he had to know. He was desperate. Lily laughed as she stood. She put her hands on James' shoulders and got on her toes to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

"Thank you for apologizing to me, and even to Severus," she whispered before stepping away and heading towards the staircases. James swirled around, and despite being completely shocked, he still wanted his answer.

"Was that a yes?" he yelled, but his only answer was Lily Evans's laughter. It took his several minutes to uproot himself from that spot. Immediately he ran to the dormitory he shared with his fellow Marauders and Frank. He rushed over to Remus and shook him awake, watching as the boy rubbed his eyes wearily.

"What d'you want?" Remus muttered groggily. James grinned, not quite realizing since when he had felt this way, but knowing now that he'd never let it go.

"Remus, I'm going to change for her," James whispered excitedly.

"What are you talking about, you idiot? It's like two in the morning!"

"I'm falling for her, so I'm going to change for her!" he exclaimed happily, knowing that Remus would understand now. The werewolf was the first to suggest to him to change for Lily, but at a time that James hadn't yet understood the depth of his feelings. It wasn't love, but perhaps one day it would be.

"You're talking about Lily?" Remus asked, much more awake now. James nodded ecstatically, and Remus grinned. "Finally!" he laughed.

And that night, James slept better than he had all year—without a single frightening dream.

XXX

Albus Dumbledore looked up at the sound of the knock, smiling because he knew who it was already. "Come in, Minerva," he chuckled. An extremely hassled looking witch burst through his doors, and she pointed a accusing finger at him.

"So you had plans for Miss Evans, did you? What now? What about now! The Slytherin boy who was her 'friend' called her a filthy name in front of everyone. Because of James Potter no less! What are you planning, Albus?" It seemed his Transfiguration professor was finally losing patience with him.

"I must admit, I did not think that Lily and Mr. Snape would fall apart. I truly did believe the strength of their friendship could prevent him from going down the wrong path, but it seems that Lily had enough of his indecisiveness, and they have reached a cross roads."

"And Potter?"

"He is very much like his father. In time, that will show."

"So you'll allow his transgressions from out on the grounds?" Minerva asked in shock.

"I think it is far too late for action now." Dumbledore pressed the tips of his fingers together in thought. Many of his students showed promise, but he had never shown a particular interest in their lives before. But things were different now. He needed brave, intelligent, and kind-hearted men and women to join the Order, perhaps to finally put an end to Lord Voldemort. If that meant taking a far greater interest in a dozen or so students, then so be it.

"And Mr. Snape? Aren't you upset you lost yet another to You-Know-Who?" she asked him, and Dumbledore smiled softly.

"There will come a time, I am sure, that we will be very grateful indeed about the friendship between Lily and Mr. Snape," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He did not elaborate, and Minerva did not ask him to.

"Will you tell Miss Evans the truth then? About Charlus?" Dumbledore smiled again, but it was laced with sadness.

"It is not for me to tell. Besides, she is not yet ready."

"Don't you think you're placing too little faith in Miss Evans?" Dumbledore sighed. If only that were true.

"I fear that I may have placed too much."


	13. The Truth At Last

**As always, thanks very much to In Love With Prongs for beta reading this chapter, and to all of those who read this story. Seeing that people actually enjoy what I write—which is completely amazing, by the way—is really the only reason I do it!**

**Also, I got a really nice review from court18294 that commented on the length of my chapters. You're absolutely right, my chapters aren't too long. But I'm working on that!**

**And I know I haven't responded to reviews, but I'm going to try and do a better job with that. I appreciate every single one very much. Honestly, I do. Like, a lot.**

**Was that too obvious of a hint? **

**Anyway, on to the chapter! **

Chapter Thirteen- The Truth At Last

He stood hesitantly outside the door to his father's study, his hand hovering inches from the thick wood, still unable to make up his mind about whether or not he would knock. He wasn't exactly afraid, but seeing as though his father had only come home half an hour ago, he wasn't sure what kind of reception he would receive.

It bothered him that his own father was a stranger to him.

James was still deliberating as to what to do, when a voice broke him out of his thoughts.

"Are you going to stand there all day, or are you going to knock?" a deep voice said from behind him in a conspiratorial whisper. James whirled around, his hand clutching at his chest, shocked that his father was standing behind him, a large sandwich in one hand, and in the other a bottle of butterbeer. "Was it something I said," Charlus Potter grinned, taking a large bite out of his sandwich.

"Dad, you nearly gave me a heart attack," James managed to breathe out, his chest heaving. But the older man, far from being upset, just laughed.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked once he had gotten his laughter under control. James nodded, and began to fidget, running his fingers through his hair, a habit he remembered Lily Evans hated; his hand immediately fell to his side. "What's wrong James? You seem agitated." _Really?_ James thought sarcastically, _I hadn't noticed._

"I wanted to ask you something," James said quietly. Charlus gave his son a questioning look before he nodded.

"All right, then. Come on, don't be shy, open the door," he said, motioning towards the study's door, taking another large bite of his dinner. James pushed the door open to be greeted by his father's incredibly cluttered study.

Shelves and shelves of books covered every last inch of the walls; a large desk and a comfortable-looking chair were situated near the back of the room; a Persian carpet adorned the floor. The only personal touch the entire room had was a small picture frame with a photograph of James and his mother laughing as he got on the Hogwarts Express for the first time. James remembered that day very clearly; at the time, he absolutely adored his father and everything about him, and even though his dad had to go to work rather than see him off, James remembered how he bragged that he would be in Gryffindor just like him. He wanted to be just like his dad.

Years of being ignored by his father had disillusioned him, however.

"So, what did you want? You've only been home for a few days," his father said as he sat down behind his desk. James frowned slightly.

"Actually, I've been home for about two weeks now, dad," James said softly, not meeting his father's eyes.

"R-really? How time flies, right?" he chuckled, though it was obvious there was no humor in his comment. James blinked several times, drawing up every ounce of courage he had. He knew this wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation, but he had to know. He had to know the truth.

"Dad…d'you—d'you know anyone named Lily Evans?" The look of shock was all the answer James needed. "I want to know what happened. Please." Charlus put his sandwich down on a napkin, and he frowned deeply.

"How much do you already know?" he asked carefully, suddenly in Ministry mode. James sighed as he realized this was the way the conversation would go; his father was gone, replaced by a man who dealt with the worst the wizarding world had to offer every day.

"I know enough," James stated calmly, deliberately using his father's own tactics against him. Be evasive. Never confirm or deny anything. Use as few words as possible. Basic rules everyone in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement followed.

"So by that you mean that you heard from Miss Evans herself what happened?" Charlus said, a grin suddenly appearing on his face. He had shifted easily back into 'father mode.' James had no choice but to assume that the change was a tactic to get him talking; he would not implicate Lily in any way. He just shrugged. At the movement, Charlus grinned again and he sipped his butterbeer, seemingly quite happy. "You know, James, I was absolutely astounded the day I met her," he said, now munching on his sandwich.

"You mean the day you had an accident with her mother?" James snapped, angry that his father was taking this so lightly. Charlus raised an eyebrow.

"I assure you, whatever you've heard is not accurate," he said softly, and James stood up from the soft chintz chair angrily.

"So you're calling Lily Evans a liar!" he demanded. Charlus shook his head, his eyes softening.

"I would never do such a thing. I have done Miss Evans a great wrong," he said sadly, and he ran his fingers through his hair, much in the same way that James did.

"So you admit it. You hurt her family, and then claimed that it didn't matter, because they were just _muggles_!" Perhaps James should have realized he was reaching the line he shouldn't cross, but he couldn't recognize the warning signs. He knew McGonagall better than his own father.

"Enough!" Charlus yelled, standing up as well. "You're such a child, James! When are you going to realize that the time for you to grow up has come!" He gave his son a glare before collapsing into his chair, as if exhausted. "Your friends, Mr. Lupin and Mr. Black, understand the current world far better than you, James. And it's entirely your fault. You fought so hard against what your mother and I wanted that you forgot that you have a place in this society—"

"So we're back to the, 'we're purebloods and we can do whatever we want,' argument?" James interrupted, his voice cold.

"I have never said such a thing, nor do I ever intend to," Charlus snapped, anger returning to his voice. "If I believed in blood supremacy, do you honestly believe I'd fight so hard against it? Use your common sense, James!"

"Then what! What's the point of all your little gatherings, the showing off, the acting as if we're better than everyone else? Explain that!" James watched as his father rubbed his eyes, and he realized how _old_ his father was for the first time.

In looks, Charlus Potter was almost exactly the same. He was tall and slender, he wore glasses, and his hair was a complete disaster zone. The only differences between the two of them was the lines around Charlus's mouth and eyes, his greying hair, and of course, his bright blue eyes—eyes completely different from James's hazel. It was astonishing to see how Charlus wilted before his son's very eyes.

"James, why do you care? Perhaps it's best if you left all this alone," he said, his voice wavering. James shook his head vigorously.

"No! Lily is involved in whatever this is, and I need to know the truth!" At those words, Charlus's eyes widened, and a grin appeared on his face.

"I see," he said calmly, looking away for a slight moment before turning his gaze to James. "Before I explain anything, James, I have one question for you," James nodded quickly, accepting his father's condition. "If the choice arose—the decision between saving yourself or saving Miss Evans, what would you choose?" It was a simple question, and James opened his mouth to answer almost immediately, but Charlus shook his head slightly. "Really think about it, James. If your life was on the line, would you sacrifice it for her? Would you sacrifice it for your friends? In short, are you willing to give up everything for those around you?" James didn't need time to think about his answer. He had known it when the Marauders were first formed; when they discovered about Remus's lycanthropy; when they became illegal Animagi; when he ran after Snape to save the git; when the article had come out. James looked straight into his father's eyes and he nodded.

"Without hesitation." Charlus sighed.

"Then I suppose it's time you learned the truth. Though, James, you must understand that you can tell no one about this," Charlus said, his voice suddenly harsh. James frowned.

"If this concerns Lily Evans, there's no way I wouldn't tell her. It would be the first thing I'd do," James stated, rather bluntly. Charlus sighed and rubbed his eyes wearily.

"You won't have to tell her. I will do so myself."

"What?"

"Miss Evans has…elected to join the Order of the Phoenix upon graduation from Hogwarts. Dumbledore was so kind as to _remind_ me that I was to tell her the truth before that day arrives," he said, actually rolling his eyes. James leaned forward, suddenly quite interested—even more than before. He had heard of the Order, that they were a band of talented witches and wizards committed to stopping You-Know-Who, but he didn't know that Hogwarts students were allowed to join.

"The Order?" James muttered, not needing to elaborate. His father knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Miss Evans has Dumbledore's backing and support. She wished to fight Voldemort, and he has decided to induct her into the Order," Charlus paused and looked at James carefully. "Shall I begin?" James gave a curt nod. "What you must understand is that the Death Eater ideals, the pureblood supremacy, are not new. Such things have been said since the Founders themselves were alive! And always, _always_, things that challenged such views were gotten rid of.

"Miss Evans is a talented witch. From what Dumbledore tells me, she's the top of her class, talented not only academically, but also with people. None of her teachers have anything bad to say about her. She's the very epitome of challenging the views of purebloods. How can someone claim that purebloods are more talented when a muggleborn consistently proves them wrong? Because of this, Miss Evans became a target. Just as other talented muggleborns have become targets." Charlus downed the rest of his butterbeer, and finished his sandwich. He gave James an apologetic look as he ate, but James understood. His father was probably famished after coming home from work.

"Others have been targets?" James asked as his father wiped his mouth.

"Of course they have. Surely you realize why?" James shrugged. "Look at it this way: If you were told that Quidditch is an evil sport, and that no one is allowed to play, what would you do?"

"I'd find a way to prove them wrong. I'd show them how amazing Quidditch is," James answered, realizing where this was going.

"Exactly. You'd fight for Quidditch. What the pureblood extremists are afraid of are muggleborns who won't meekly stand down, those who would rather fight to prove everyone wrong rather than be safe. This is why certain people are targeted and not all."

"So, basically, only those that pose a threat are targeted?" James clarified. Charlus nodded, his expression suddenly grim.

"This is where the lavish parties and showing off comes in," Charlus said slowly. "One cannot oppose an opinion unless you completely understand their way of thinking. I cannot tell you that Quidditch is terrible until I realize why you think it's wonderful. I have to be able to negate anything you say. This means I must understand the _enemy_."

"So the parties were a ruse? You just wanted to see what extremists were thinking?"

"Yes and no. The parties served more than one purpose. Not only did I gain information that could later be used against Voldemort's followers, but I also ensured the safety of those who attended: the Prewetts', the Longbottoms', and the Collins.' They are all pureblood families who oppose discrimination as your mother and I do."

"Protection?"

"James, I may be rather more forthcoming about my beliefs than the next person, but I'm not stupid. Yelling my distaste will just gain me enemies and lose the little support I have in the Ministry. I must keep up appearances." James looked at his father thoughtfully, his mind racing with hundreds of questions. Suddenly, his mother's insistence on behaving correctly, on acting like he enjoyed himself during the meaningless parties, made sense. He nodded slowly.

"You're not doing it because you want to," he said finally, feeling a new respect flood through him for his father. For the first time since he was eleven, James remembered why he idolized the older man.

"Of course not. We all must do what is right, even if that means making sacrifices," Charlus's voice was harsh, his eyes narrowed, and it was rather obvious he had momentarily forgotten that he was speaking with his son.

"Dad? What about Lily? What happened there?" James asked hesitantly. There was a slight pause, and then, suddenly, Charlus shook his head violently, as if he was trying to clear his thoughts.

"I made a great deal of mistakes when it came to Miss Evans, James. I fear that rather than help the situation, I was the catalyst for everything going wrong."

"What d'you mean?" he asked slowly, his eyes widening.

"I-I'm sure you heard from Miss Evans what happened, yes? That I was drunk and that I had an accident with her mother, but rather than do anything, I just claimed that they were muggles, and thus didn't matter?" He waited until James gave him a nod, confirming the story. "Well, to be honest," he paused and ran his fingers through his hair agitatedly, "all of that's true."

_All of that's true._

The four words sparked an anger in James that he had never felt before. Not even when Sirius had nearly gotten Snape killed and destroyed Remus's life forever. He stood up, feeling some sort of cackling in the air.

"So she's right! How can she trust anyone who claims they don't support You-Know-Who—"

"Fear of a name only increases the fear of the thing itself, James!" Charlus interrupted. James let out a mirthless laugh before he narrowed his eyes.

"You destroyed her life! And you sit there and ask me to say _his_ name!" James yelled. For a moment the two of them just stared at each other, but before James could yell anymore, the door behind him swung open and his mother walked in with wide eyes.

"James? Charlus? What's going on?" she demanded, glaring at her son and giving her husband an inquisitive look. James couldn't take it anymore. He pointed an accusatory finger at his father who was sitting motionless with his head in his hands.

"Look at him! He ruined her! He broke her!" James snarled. He expected his mother to be just as infuriated. He expected to see her outrage. He did not expect her to rush over to her husband's side and force him to look up at her.

"Was it really the right time, Charlus?" she asked him, ignoring James completely. For a moment, James was shocked into silence. Then he practically exploded.

"YOU KNEW AS WELL? YOU KNEW HE HURT LILY EVANS?" James hollered, his chest heaving and his glasses askew. He glared at his parents, hating purebloods with every fiber of his being.

"You don't know everything yet, James. It's not what you think," his mother said hurriedly, but James wasn't having any of it. Just as he opened his mouth to yell once again, he heard a loud rapping noise behind him.

"Master James?" It was one of their house-elves, and he was looking exceptionally nervous. "Sir, there is someone at the door for you, sir," he said, looking anywhere but at James. For a moment, James was tempted to tell Binky that he didn't quite care who was at the door, but the moment passed quickly. With one final glare, he strode out of the study, not bothering to listen to any of his parents' protests.

As he headed down the stairs, he continued to fume, wondering how he could be so stupid, how he actually thought that his father hadn't done what Lily had said. He didn't care if he had learned just how ardently his parents opposed You-Know-Who, all he cared about was that Charlus Potter had hurt Lily Evans.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't realize he had reached his destination until he had been standing, staring at the door, for a good five minutes. Without even bothering to hide his anger, he opened it only to see a completely drenched Sirius Black, standing in the pouring rain, with his hair plastered to his face.

"Padfoot?" James muttered, shocked by his best friend's appearance. Sirius shivered slightly, and James suddenly noticed the long gash on Sirius's right cheek and his red-rimmed eyes. As if he had been crying. But Sirius didn't…_cry_.

"I h-had to leave, J-James. I just…c-couldn't…anymore. I-I didn't know where else to go," Sirius said before collapsing into a heap.

XXX

There was something off.

She couldn't exactly put her finger on it, but there was just…something missing. Perhaps it was the fact that she had never been at Hogwarts when the castle was relatively empty. Even when staying for Christmas, there had been other students. And of course, having absolute freedom also unnerved her. She could walk around corridors at three in the morning, go to Hogsmeade whenever she wished, and even read books in the restricted section (though that was monitored by Madam Pince).

She only saw her professors every few days. It seemed that most of them had a home to go to, even if she had always thought otherwise. Only Dumbledore and McGonagall seemed to be a constant. Both of them were always happy to indulge in conversation whenever she saw them, but it wasn't enough. She missed her late night chats with Alice and Kate, and she missed Mary's silly comments. She was even close to admitting she missed the Marauders. After all, they had never failed to make her laugh.

Hogwarts just wasn't the same when alone.

The first couple of days after term ended had been quite hard on her. Not only had she received dozens of letters from Severus, but she couldn't seem to get the thoughts of her parents out of her head. She hadn't been able to sleep for nearly two days before she realized that she couldn't continue the masochistic tendencies. She wouldn't put herself through pain. She _didn't_ want it.

By the end of first week of break, Lily had managed to completely throw off her depression. By the end of the second week—between her professors' company and her own determination to keep busy by studying—she had managed to forget why she was at Hogwarts over the summer instead of at her own home. And by the end of July, Lily could honestly say she was happy.

She enjoyed speaking to Professor Flitwick about various charms whenever he was around, and she laughed at the stories that Hagrid would tell her during breakfast. Even if most of them ended with the words, "Great man, Dumbledore. Great man."

Professor Dumbledore, though he once had seemed so invincible and untouchable, turned out to be humorous, regaling her with tales of former students that were either exceptionally bright, or exceptional trouble-makers. He even talked about his own time at Hogwarts, something that Lily found incredibly odd to think about.

Of course, she most enjoyed spending time with McGonagall, who turned out to be so much more than just her Transfiguration teacher. She didn't tell Lily any funny stories or give tidbits about her childhood. Instead, she listened. She listened as Lily talked about life before she knew she was a witch, and how she felt all through Hogwarts. McGonagall—usually stern, unbending, and completely objective—would then actually smile and allow Lily to continue, as if she knew how important it was to just _talk_.

Yet, something was off.

And, _of course_, she found out exactly what that was about a week into August.

She had just had an early lunch, completely immersed in the book in her hand as she strolled aimlessly in the corridors. It was a beautiful day, sunny, but not completely stifling, and the corridors were pleasantly cool. She wasn't paying attention to her surroundings, so when one of the portraits yelled out, "OY, watch it!" Lily didn't realize that the portrait was talking to her until she rammed into Professor Dumbledore, her book flying out of her hand.

"Oh, Professor! I'm so sorry," Lily gushed, trying her best to ignore the raucous laughter of the other portraits that had been witnesses to her stupidity. Professor Dumbledore smiled gently.

"It's quite all right. I find myself completely lost in books quite often, so I understand your, ah, inattentiveness," he laughed. Lily blushed, quickly bending to pick up her book. She dusted it off with something bordering on reverence, and Dumbledore chuckled. "Actually, Lily, I was looking for you. You have a visitor."

"A visitor?" she repeated, dumbfounded.

Through the letters she had been receiving from her friends—not only the girls but also Remus and Sirius—she had come to understand that students weren't allowed at Hogwarts during summer break, and that her own stay was highly unusual. The most they could do was come to Hogsmeade to spend the afternoon with her. Thus, having a visitor was something she was not expecting.

"Yes, James Potter and his father have come to see you," Dumbledore said softly. Immediately, Lily felt her face flush with anger.

"I don't want to see Charlus Potter," she stated bluntly, glaring at the floor.

"Lily, please, I ask you to give Charlus a brief reprieve. Merely listen to what he has to say."

"What could possibly have to say to me now? After all this time?" she asked, her voice laced with irritation. Dumbledore shrugged, but his eyes were twinkling.

"At the very least, you'll spend time with someone your own age. I'm sure spending your summer with your professors couldn't have been too interesting," he laughed, and Lily found herself laughing as well. And perhaps, had she been less preoccupied about Charlus's sudden visit, she would have told Dumbledore exactly what she thought about her summer at Hogwarts. Instead, she followed her Headmaster to his office, smiling and nodding at all the right places as he spoke.

XXX

He didn't know why he was here. It was stupid, completely insane.

After finding Sirius at his doorstep, James had devoted all his time with his best friend. He ignored his parents completely, not even bothering to eat meals with them anymore, and for their part, they allowed him to brood. James didn't know if it was because they knew he wouldn't listen if they tried to explain, or if they realized he wasn't about to leave Sirius alone for even a moment.

Sirius presented a whole other problem. The stupid git wouldn't tell James anything other than what he said the first day, that he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't explain how he got his gash, and he wouldn't even say how long he had been on the streets before he came to the Potters. In fact, Sirius didn't say much at all. If James was honest with himself, the only complete sentence he had heard from Sirius was, "Thanks so much for letting me stay here."

Perhaps it was the fact that Sirius was writing letters to someone, and wouldn't tell James who that finally pushed him to tell his father yes. Or maybe even the fact that he hadn't heard very often from Peter, Remus, or Frank. Even Alice, who normally made it her mission to visit James over the holidays at least once, had just sent a short letter saying that she was traveling to France and wouldn't be back until the end of August.

James groaned as he realized that it had indeed been his loneliness that prompted him to agree to his father's request to accompany him to Hogwarts to speak with Lily. It wasn't as if James was particularly interested in the excuses his father was going to give, but he was rather excited to see Lily, the one person who had answered each one of his letters with long replies of her own.

And so, even though it was insane—completely mad—that he was standing in Dumbledore's office, he couldn't help but feel a bubble of excitement in his chest.

"James, I want you to promise me something," his father suddenly said softly from James's right. "Watch Miss Evans carefully. If she seems to be getting too upset, stop me from continuing. Do you understand?" James nodded slowly before he could even think about what his father was asking. Charlus Potter nodded in what seemed to be relief as the door of the Headmaster's office opened and Dumbledore strode forward, with Lily walking stiffly behind him.

He couldn't describe how he felt when he saw her. His breath hitched slightly, and his hands grew clammy, but there was a burst in his chest that he couldn't even understand. The only thing he could say was that for the first time that summer, he was truly happy.

Lily didn't look quite as excited as James imagined he looked. Her lips were quirked down in a small frown, and her nose was slightly crinkled, as if she was witnessing something distasteful. Yet, when her subdued green eyes met his, he could see them visibly brighten, and she gave him a small grin.

"Potter," she said softly, still grinning. James rolled his eyes.

"Evans."

"Having a nice summer?" she asked, as if she hadn't been the person he complained to. James shrugged, trying without success to suppress his smile.

"Well, of course!" he exclaimed. It was Lily's turn to roll her eyes. Out of the corner of his eye, James could see his father was about to speak, but Lily beat him to it.

"How's Sirius?" she asked, and James felt his eyes widen. He hadn't told Lily about Sirius…Suddenly, who Sirius was writing to was no longer a mystery.

"You probably know better than I do. He won't talk to me," James admitted with a shrug, wondering why he didn't feel jealous that his best friend was confiding in someone else. Lily nodded, a thoughtful look appearing on her face. James noticed that Dumbledore was smiling happily from behind his desk, as if he'd nothing better to do than listen to two teenagers talk, but his father seemed to be growing testy. James sighed. "Lily, though I know you've already met, this is my father, Charlus Potter." He expected a lot of things; he thought she might make a sarcastic remark, or perhaps even just ignore his father's presence completely. What he hadn't expected was Lily sharing a look with Dumbledore before smiling and holding out a hand.

"Nice to see you again, Mr. Potter," she said politely. Of course, if James was surprised by Lily's reaction, it was nothing compared to his father who looked like he had been hit over the head by a club. James watched curiously as Charlus extended his own—extremely shaky—hand.

"Miss Evans, I-I," Charlus turned to Dumbledore beseechingly.

"Lily, Charlus is here to explain something to you that should never have been kept secret—" At that, the Headmaster shot James's father a dirty look, one that James hadn't even thought Dumbledore was capable of. "—and you deserve to know."

"Is he here to explain why he's a hypocrite?" Lily asked politely, acting as if she hadn't just insulted the head of Magical Law Enforcement.

"I'm a lot of things, Miss Evans, but I'm no hypocrite!" James watched his father cry out. Lily laughed, but it wasn't the laugh he remembered. It was cold, hard, and downright frightening.

"Really? You go on and on about muggle rights and how blood doesn't matter, but when it came down to it, you let your true opinions known. After all, have you forgotten, _at least she wasn't dead?_"

"Miss Evans, please, just allow me to explain!" Charlus said, running his fingers through his hair as James often did. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Are you about to lie to me, Mr. Potter?" she asked, tilting her head slightly to the side. James looked at her face carefully, looking for any sign of being upset, but he saw nothing. Not a single emotion—not even anger—could be read.

"Understand that I don't deny what I did that day. I _was_ drunk. _I_ drove the muggle vehicle. But believe me, believe me when I say that I did not mean what I said," James's father said shakily. Lily looked slightly curious for a moment.

"What?"

"That morning—and I'm not using this as justification for my state of mind!—there was an attack in a muggle village. I-I tend to drive after days like the one I had, and I admit I did drink far too much…I had every intention of helping her, I knew I couldn't just let her suffer, but when I saw you, I knew you were magical—and…" James and Lily had the same expression on their face. Utter confusion at the blather Charlus was spewing out. Dumbledore finally took pity on Charlus.

"What he's trying to say, Lily—"

"Don't listen to them, Lily!" James called out, glaring at his father. "All of this is just one elaborate excuse. Don't listen to them!"

"That's quite enough, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore said softly, though he didn't look very happy at the interruption. "If you cannot act like an adult, I must ask you to leave this office." There was a long pause in which no one looked at anyone else, when suddenly:

"I as good as killed your parents! It was all my fault, and the guilt is too much to bear, Miss Evans!" Charlus Potter yelled. Dumbledore stood up quickly, Lily's eyes filled with tears, and James ran forward to stop his father from dropping to his knees as he sobbed.

"Y-you what?" Lily stammered as Dumbledore put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"We've known for a very long time now that the Death Eaters wanted to break muggleborns' spirits by hurting those closest to them. Charlus wanted to help your mother, but he could not."

"And why's that?" James demanded angrily.

"Because it would put Lily in danger, as well as her parents. If any of Voldemort's followers found out about a non-magical woman being treated at St. Mungo's, well, they would have retaliated," Dumbledore explained.

"So he was cruel because he feared for her safety? That makes no sense," James said when it became obvious that Lily wasn't about to say a word.

"I explained to you, James. I _must_ keep up appearances. If I had taken her to St. Mungo's, I would've been found out."

"Then it was selfish!" Lily yelled, breaking out of her thoughts. Charlus shook his head frantically.

"No! It was for you as well! You would have been a target had I helped! They would have killed your entire family!" James looked at his father then at Dumbledore.

"None of this makes sense. Why couldn't you have just protected her family then?"

"Don't you see, James? Your father's intentions weren't evil. However, he placed more value on the greater picture, isn't that right, Professor?" Lily asked, giving Dumbledore a glare.

"Lily—" Dumbledore began, but Lily shook her head.

"What did you expect, Professor? That this new information would make me forgive Mr. Potter? That I would realize that my parents' death was for the _greater good_? That somehow I'd see what a difficult position he was in?"

"No! I wanted to tell you because it was all my fault. I could have done more—I should have done more!" Charlus said quickly. Lily just shook her head.

"Mr. Potter, my opinion of you has not changed. I-I suppose I can no longer fault you as much as I had before…but I still think of you as a hypocrite. You're hiding behind appearances and power, thinking that you're fooling everybody. How about you show some of that bravery your son was once so proud of and climb out of the shell you've hidden yourself in?" Lily spoke politely, but her words obviously stung his father, because Charlus jumped back as if he'd just been slapped. And then, without another word, Lily strode out of the office.

"I don't understand," James said quietly, looking at Dumbledore.

"I didn't take her to St. Mungo's because I was afraid of Voldemort's supporters getting wind of a muggle being treated in a magical hospital. I would have lost all the support I had in the Ministry—all the work towards making our world a better place!—and Miss Evans's family would have been in danger. So instead, I acted like the Blacks' do, as the Malfoys' do, and I acted as if it didn't matter what happened to her mother since she was just a muggle," Charlus said softly, looking at the ground. "She's right, though. I suppose I am a hypocrite. Dumbledore even said as much."

"Professor?" James looked at Dumbledore questioningly.

"Charlus came to me right away, but by that time, it was too late to do anything without making the situation ten times worse. We had to let it be." The old man hung his head in shame. For a moment, James teetered between standing there and demanding the whole truth—he _knew_ there was something else that they weren't saying—and running after Lily. It was only a moment's indecision; he rushed out of the office without another word.

It didn't take that long to find her, after all, he had a hunch she'd escape to the library. She had escaped to one of the tables in the very back, near the Restricted Section, where she was partially hidden by bookcases. James approached her slowly, not wanting to startle her, and also to give her time to refuse his company. When she didn't say anything, she sat down next to her at the table but said nothing.

He couldn't exactly say how long the two of them just sat, not speaking, not even looking at each other. It was a comfortable silence, allowing them both to straighten out their thoughts. Finally, when Lily sighed, James realized that it was okay to talk.

"I never knew, Lily. And I'm sorry," he said quietly, not looking at her.

"So you get it?" she asked, leaning slightly so that he was forced to look in her eyes. James nodded, knowing exactly what she was asking him.

"Sacrifices must be made for the greater good," he said tonelessly, and Lily's eyes filled with tears. She began shaking with quiet sobs, before she actually leaned into James's shoulder. Tentatively, James wrapped his arms around her shoulders, hugging her to him.

"Am I a bad person because I wish that the greater good was sacrificed instead of my parents?" she mumbled, and James tightened his hold.

"Of course not! It makes you human." Lily let out a snort at those words, and she shifted slightly to look at him.

"Dumbledore once said something a lot like that," she muttered and rolled her eyes when James winked.

"Well, great minds think alike, eh?" he chuckled, pretending to be hurt when she rolled her eyes again. They lapsed into another comfortable silence, both of them quite content.

"Thank you, for being here for me," Lily said softly, being the one that broke the silence this time. James shrugged as she pulled away from their hug and grinned at her.

"Lily—wait, let me finish!" he cried when she began to raise an eyebrow. "C'mon, I wasn't about to ask _that_ question. I just wanted to know if…I don't know—if you'd like to be friends?" He gave her his best pleading look, the one he reserved for his mother or Remus when they didn't want to do something he did. Lily looked skeptical for only a moment before she smiled and held out her hand.

"You're on, Potter," she nodded, laughing when James shook her hand exuberantly. And as the two of them laughed and talked about everything but Voldemort, the impending war, and Sirius's family troubles, James wondered how they could get into so many fights if they got along so _well_.

XXX

"Does James know you're here?" she asked quietly, not looking at him, but at a point above his shoulder. Sirius shrugged as he played with his food. "That's not an answer, Sirius. It's yes or no," Lily sighed and Sirius shook his head slowly.

"No. I told him I wanted to go out. Used the Knight Bus to get here," he muttered. Lily nodded, but didn't say anything, preferring to keep the silence up.

He hadn't exactly meant to send her that letter two days ago. And yet, even now, sitting in front of her and feeling incredibly awkward, he knew he had made the right choice.

The reason he wanted to see her in the first place was because of something James had said, only a week ago after he came back from his father's apparent 'confessions.' James had just looked at him carefully, and then, with a small smile, had told him that Lily was worried. Sirius knew that James had only said that because he thought Lily knew why he left his family, but the fact was, she didn't. All the letters they had been sending one another, they all were about stupid topics, like classes, or which professor was the most annoying (they had agreed on Binns). But, rather than ignore James's comment like he usually did, Sirius took it to heart and he decided he would meet her at the Three Broomsticks for lunch so he could tell her what happened.

He hadn't counted on being incredibly nervous when the time came to actually talk.

"James says the two of you are friends now," Sirius said, only to break the silence. He hated quiet. It bothered him far too much. Lily suddenly smiled, and he noticed her eyes brighten.

"Yes, we are," she laughed with a curt nod. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Even if he's an arrogant toerag?"

"He's an arrogant toerag that, at times, can be sweet."

"Sweet? No self-respecting bloke ever wants to be called _sweet_," he said the final word with a frown of distaste, causing Lily to throw a chip at him, even if she was struggling to keep from smiling.

"You know what I mean! When he's not trying to impress everybody, he can actually be tolerable," she amended. Sirius snorted.

"D'you fancy him now?" he asked, grinning at the shocked look on her face.

"N-no!" She looked scandalized for only a moment before an evil grin appeared on her face. "Anyway, let's talk about you. Why'd you leave?" Sirius nearly grinned. Technically, he deserved the change in topic—after all, talking to Lily about actually considering to fancy James was never a good idea.

"I had enough," he said simply, rolling his eyes when the only response he got was a raised eyebrow. When he just continued to eat, Lily leaned forward in her chair and hit him softly on the head.

"Of what?"

"Everything."

"Well, you're just a right little descriptive berk, aren't you?" Sirius looked at Lily's angry expression before he burst out laughing.

"Fine! Fine, I'll tell you everything. That's why we're here anyway," he finally managed to say between chuckles. Lily groaned.

"Really? And here I thought you actually enjoyed my company," she said with mock sadness before she winked at him. Sirius suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. Instead, he threw a chip at her, grinned when she scowled.

"Can I start?"

"No," Lily muttered sarcastically, "please, keep stalling, I have absolutely nothing better to do than listen to mindless chatter."

"Someone's not in a very good mood," Sirius laughed.

"I've had enough."

"Of what?" Sirius asked in surprise. Lily grinned suddenly.

"Of everything!" Sirius looked at her in surprise before he understood what she had just done. He shook his head, but decided it was time to talk anyway.

"Fine! It was the first day of the holidays when it started. Dear old mum was upset that the muggleborn law hadn't passed yet, and she was ranting like she always does, insulting muggleborns to the best of her ability. I—I got mad. I told her she was wrong, and one day a muggleborn is going to prove it to her. She locked me in my room for two days because of that." Sirius stopped talking, confused at the smile on Lily's face.

"You really said that?" she asked, and Sirius immediately understood. She was glad someone had stood up for those like her. He grinned.

"Of course! I went on to tell her that she's insane and that they should lock her in St. Mungo's because she's a menace to society, and I went another three days in my room without any food. The only reason I didn't get sick was because Regulus had managed to convince Kreacher—our house-elf—to bring me some leftovers."

"That was nice of him," she commented. Sirius nodded.

"Regulus may an idiot who follows my parents blindly, but he's not a bad person. If he had been Sorted into Gryffindor—I'm sure he would have been different!" Sirius exclaimed, believing every single one of his words. Regulus was a good person; he was absolutely sure of that. The only problem was that he wouldn't think for himself at all, and that bothered Sirius to no end.

"So what happened after that?" Lily asked curiously, obviously wondering how it could have escalated to the point that Sirius had to leave his family.

"I stopped talking altogether. It grated on my mother's nerves, but she couldn't complain. But then, a night about a week before I showed up and James's doorstep, they had gotten news that Voldemort was recruiting straight from Hogwarts."

"What?"

"People like Mulciber, Avery, and Snape, who've been with the Death Eaters since Malfoy was still a student, they've begun to gather younger students to their cause. Students like my idiot brother."

"Oh no!" Lily exclaimed, seeming to have understood what had occurred. Sirius hung his head.

"Bella and Cissy came over that night, raving about how Regulus was bringing honor to our family by joining their cause. Lucius was there, and that disgusting bloke Bella likes, Lestrange. I asked Regulus if he really knew what he was getting into, told him that all he'd become was a common thug, a murderer with no true cause, fighting for a bunch of lies. I told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life joining the likes of an idiot like Voldemort," Sirius grinned slightly at Lily when she gasped in shock. He knew what he had done was stupid. You don't just insult Voldemort in front of a group of Death Eaters without getting hurt.

"What did they do?" she asked softly. Sirius sighed and twirled his fork between his fingers.

"I was hit by several Cruciatus Curses, mostly the courtesy of Bella, and managed to get away from Malfoy's slicing curses with only a gash. I ran for it. Even my brother had finally lost his mind. I couldn't deal with it anymore." Lily gave him a sympathetic look, her green eyes bright with compassion.

"Why didn't you come here? Or at least go to James's earlier?" she asked him, her voice no longer soft, but actually quite upset. Sirius shrugged, honestly unable to answer, because he didn't know what it could be.

"I needed some time on my own," he said rather than admit that he just had no idea why he wandered the streets for nearly a week before going to James. He paused, looking desperately at Lily, knowing why he had come to _her_, why he had needed to tell _her_ why he had left. "Does it get better?" he asked so quietly, he was surprised she even heard him. He knew he had been right to ask her when she didn't even want him to elaborate.

"The loneliness? It gets easier, but I don't think it ever will get better."

"Easier?" Lily stared at Sirius for a moment, as if wondering if she should divulge whatever she was thinking to him.

"Spending time with friends, people who care about you, it makes you think about what you've lost less. It's not better, but it's easier," she said finally, and quite slowly. Sirius nodded, feeling dejected.

"I should hate him. But I don't. I can't even bring myself to hate my parents," he admitted, knowing that he'd always hate that home and all of the pureblooded beliefs his parents paraded.

"They're family, Sirius. Think about it this way: That night, did Regulus or your parents try to hurt you?" He closed his eyes, unable to admit that he couldn't even be sure who had done what that night. For all he knew, his parents _had_ cursed him.

"Of course not," he answered with as much conviction as he could muster. Lily nodded, but by the look in her eyes, he could tell that she had not missed his lie.

XXX

Excitement wasn't a strong enough word for Lily. She was thrilled, ecstatic, completely over the top—all because September 1st had finally arrived. In mere hours, she would see Alice again, and get to hear all about her travels in France. She'd see Mary and laugh at all the stupid things she attempted to do while on vacation, and Kate would regale her with stories of various Quidditch games that had been played, and Lily wouldn't have the heart to tell Kate she didn't care if the Holyhead Harpies absolutely annihilated the Cannons. Lily couldn't even wait to see James roll his eyes and make a snarky comment about how the Cannons are annihilated by every team they play.

It wasn't as though the professors at Hogwarts had been boring, but her friends were just…special.

Perhaps it was because of her excitement—grinning as she read the last few pages of her newest find, _Charms You Never Knew You Needed_—that Lily was surprised when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She looked up in shock, wondering what Dumbledore wanted from her. They hadn't spoken since Charlus Potter's visit, and Lily had rather hoped that the Headmaster would keep it that way.

Neither one of them spoke as he sat across from her, the chair creaking loudly in the otherwise completely silent library. Dumbledore frowned thoughtfully.

"Perhaps I should fix these?" he commented lightly, as if hoping to elicit a laugh from Lily. She just looked at him, knowing exactly what was coming. "How are you feeling?"

"Excited," Lily answered quickly, glad that she wasn't lying. Dumbledore nodded at her answer.

"Yes, that is understandable. You must have been quite lonely this summer." Lily shook her head quickly.

"No, Professor! No, I was quite happy! You and the others made me feel at home," she paused and smiled at her Headmaster. "I'm very grateful for all that you've done for me."

"I fear that I did you a discourtesy by asking you to meet with Charlus Potter," he said, shaking his head sadly. It was quite the sight to behold; Dumbledore, with all of his wisdom and power was looking at her as if he had made the biggest mistake of his life. Immediately, all the resentment she had felt dissipated.

"I just don't understand, Professor. Why did he need to talk to me? What was the point of telling me all that?" she asked, asking the question that had plagued her for a while. Dumbledore didn't answer right away. He leaned back in his chair, gently straightening the half-moon spectacles on his crooked nose.

"I think it was Charlus Potter's way of apologizing," he said slowly. Lily resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

"Yes, but why _now_? Why after almost three years?"

"Charlus, as I recall, had a mischievous streak that could have rivaled his son's. However, he also had an incredible sense of right and wrong, something else he and his son share. Everything was clearly defined in his eyes—black and white. Of course, time brings changes, sometimes unwanted, changes. I think, just as James has realized he can no longer be a child, Charlus was forced to confront the fact that there is grey in between all his white and black."

"I don't understand," Lily began, but Dumbledore held up a hand.

"Allow me to explain. At the time of the accident, he did what he believed to be the _right_ thing. Yes, he hurt you and your family, but did that matter at the cost of the greater good? He did not think so. And therein lies the difference between Charlus and his son. James has not only seen grey, but he has accepted it. As I understand it, it was James's—shall we say opinionated? —words that Charlus came to understand that what he did was not right in your eyes, and that you deserved not only an explanation, but an apology as well." Lily opened and closed her mouth several times before she just shook her head.

"How hard is it to tell the difference?" she muttered, blushing when she realized Dumbledore had heard her.

"Everyone thinks that they can tell the difference between right and wrong—the good deed and the evil deed. Sometimes it's easy to tell the difference. Usually, it's not. You're one of the lucky few that has that ability to see and understand grey—after all, had you not, could you have been friends with Mr. Snape for so long?" Before she could respond, Dumbledore stood and gave her a small smile, his eyes twinkling. "And it's also why you no longer hate young Mr. Potter." Lily opened her mouth, but by the time she had managed to get her thoughts together to comment, the Headmaster was gone.

"Stupid trick," she muttered, privately wondering if she could somehow learn it as well.

XXX

"It's not like I knew what he was saying, Mary, I couldn't just assume that!" Alice said, laughing. Mary shook her head and gave Lily a pointed look.

"She's making it up. Alice is fluent in French. She told that poor boy no because she's too caught up with dear _Frank_—"

"What about me?" the boy in question asked, oblivious to Alice's suddenly red face. Mary grinned evilly, and before Lily could stop her, she was prolonging Alice's embarrassment.

"Alice was asked out by a cute French boy over the summer," she said between her giggles. Frank's eyes widened, and he turned to Alice quickly.

"What'd you say? What'd you say?" he nearly shouted, causing Alice to blush even deeper, and the other three girls to giggle uncontrollably.

"What d'you think, Frank?" James asked sarcastically from where he sat, several seats away. "I mean, the two of you are so blind, it's a wonder you can see where you're walking half the time."

"James, be nice," Sirius grinned, leaning over his best friend to look at Frank carefully. "Don't you see how red he is? I wouldn't make fun of your obvious attraction to Lily in front of everybody, right Lily?" At that, Mary practically burst into tears, forced to hold on to Kate who was giving Lily a shocked look.

"Sirius!" Lily warned, but he wasn't done. He took a bite of his chicken, and grinned widely. Several from the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables had begun to watch the Gryffindors.

"After all, Lily thinks he can be _sweet_!"

"Sweet? What self-respecting bloke wants to be called sweet?" James asked loudly, looking absolutely astounded that anyone would _dare_ call him sweet. Horrified that Sirius would divulge such things to the Gryffindor table, though perhaps not too surprised, Lily pulled out her wand.

"One more word, Black, and I'll hex you to oblivion!" she said with mock-anger, causing Mary to actually fall over. Everyone paused and looked at her oddly before Kate chuckled.

"I bet Frank and Alice sure are glad that there's always some sort of drama that eclipses their own, right?" At that, the pair blushed deeply, and turned to their food, refusing to talk to anyone for the rest of the feast.

The rest of the evening passed too quickly for Lily's liking. She enjoyed having carefree moments with her friends, and it bothered her that they were becoming far too sporadic. She wished that somehow she could keep things simple, where they didn't have to worry about men who lied, or evil wizards who were out to kill those like her.

She watched James argue with Sirius as to why the word 'sweet' was unacceptable, as Peter threw peas at them randomly, chuckling when they thought it was Remus. Mary continued to badger an unresponsive Alice, and Kate kept nudging Frank, urging him to say something. Lily laughed, knowing that even if she couldn't keep things simple forever, she could cherish the good moments that came her way—

The deafening sound of benches being dragged on stone suddenly filled the Great Hall as Dumbledore sent them to bed. Lily ignored Mary's one-sided argument with Alice, and chose to walk to the tower with an irritated Remus, who had green glop all over his face.

"I can't believe they thought it was me!" he said when she just laughed. "I mean, I _never_ do stupid things like throwing peas!" Lily was about to comment when she heard it—Severus's voice.

"—Potter, I hear you housed the blood traitor at your home all summer," he was saying. Lily pulled Remus slightly, realizing that James and Sirius had gotten ahead of them.

"Lily, are you going to eavesdrop?" Remus whispered, a small smile appearing on his face. She shushed him, but nodded.

A part of her—the part that still cared for her former best friend—didn't want James to retaliate. Severus was a lot of things, but he didn't deserve to be hurt. A much larger part of her, however, prayed that James wouldn't retaliate because she didn't want an excuse to hate him. She desperately wanted him to prove that he had grown up—to prove that Dumbledore had been right about him. She closed her eyes, only opening them when James spoke up.

"Well, normally, when one has friends, they invite one another to their homes. I'm sorry you don't have experience with that, Snape," James said, his tone even. His back was to Remus and Lily, and both of them could see what Severus could not: his hand was in his pocket, obviously gripping his wand in case of an attack. Severus sneered.

"You think you're so clever, do you, Potter? You may have fooled most of the people in this castle, but you can't fool everyone!" he yelled, stepping forward, his hand also in his pocket. James shrugged.

"Look, I don't even know what you're talking about so if you don't mind—"

"No! I _do_ mind! I can see right through you! And so can Lily! She knows exactly what you really are!" Severus said triumphantly, obviously enjoying whatever reaction he had elicited from James.

"Oh really? And what does she see in me?" James asked quietly, his voice shaking with repressed anger. Remus pulled out his wand, possibly recognizing the warning signs.

"You're nothing but a bully in her eyes, Potter. An arrogant, pathetic, dis—" but that was as far as he got. Lily rushed forward, feeling an indescribable anger rush through her.

"Were you saying something, Severus?" she hissed, gently taking James's hand, momentarily stunned by the hatred she saw in his eyes before they softened. Severus looked at her in shock.

"W-what?" he began to say, but Lily didn't even allow him to get a single thought across.

"I sincerely hope you weren't insulting my friends. I'm sure you remember how much I _hate_ it when people insult my friends."

"Friends? Potter isn't a friend, he's a damn—"

"He's my friend." She made sure that her tone left no room for argument. James gave her hand a small squeeze, but she ignored it; this was her battle now.

"Look, Lily, I'm sorry about last year! But you're making a mistake!" Lily narrowed her eyes.

"The only mistake I made was trusting you," she said in a low voice, and without letting go of James's hand, she stalked off.

XXX

"Lily?" James said as they walked down yet another corridor. She had a firm grasp on his hand, and despite his protests, she hadn't paused even once in her mad dash around the castle. "Lily, c'mon," James pleaded.

"What!" she yelled, finally turning to look at him, tears in her eyes. They stopped somewhere along the fifth floor corridor, in front of a portrait of a ghastly looking man who was leering at Lily.

"Are you crying?" James asked, stupefied by the tears. He leaned forward slightly and tried to make sure it wasn't a trick of the light, or his bad eyesight. "Merlin's beard, you really are crying, aren't you?" he whispered, perhaps a bit callously. Lily winced and looked away.

"What d'you expect? You think I enjoy confronting people?" she snapped, causing James to roll his eyes.

"Then why did you? Why bother at all?" he asked her, far more harshly than he intended. Snape's words, unfortunately, had struck a chord within him: How did Lily really see him? She agreed to be his friend, but what if she still hated him?

"Because he had no right saying any of those things to you!"

"Which things? The part about Sirius, or the part about how you see me?" Lily looked at James carefully for a moment before she sighed.

"Both," she said softly, before forcing him to look straight into her eyes. "He was lying, James."

"You don't think I'm an arrogant bully?"

"Oh no, you are an arrogant bully. I mean, you wouldn't be James if you weren't," she commented offhandedly. "But," she laughed, grabbing his hand so he wouldn't leave, "you're an arrogant bully that changed into a semi-arrogant hothead."

"Is that supposed to be better?" James asked in disbelief, hating that he smiled when she laughed.

"It's taking a while, a very long while, but you're better. Trust me."

"Really?" he asked, laughing as they began walking again. She rolled her eyes and just ignored his question. "Okay, how about this, make a list of things you think I should change."

"Don't hex people just because you can," she said immediately. James winced.

"I only hex those who deserve it!"

"Really? Did Tommy Riggs deserve what you did to him in fourth year?

"Yes! Yes he did! I mean, he laughed at me and Sirius!"

"So did I! The two of you looked ridiculous!"

"We didn't know that Remus knew a charm to turn our robes hot pink. We thought he was bluffing."

"Well, turning Tommy's skin hot pink wasn't the solution."

"Yeah, but it made me and Sirius feel loads better."

James glanced at Lily, sure that she was about to berate him, point out how this was proof of his arrogance, but she did the exact opposite. She raised an eyebrow and burst out laughing, the sound completely different than the one he had heard in the Headmaster's office only weeks ago.

"You know, I thought snorting his pumpkin juice when the two of you walked into the Great Hall was a bit over the top anyway," she said finally, after her giggles subsided. It was James's turn to raise an eyebrow.

"He snorted his juice? Really? Sirius and I chose him at random."

"You're such a prat," Lily said, but she had a smile on her face, something that irked James to no end, because he just couldn't understand why she wasn't getting mad.

"You remember when you kissed me last year?" James asked, looking at her with his head cocked to one side. She nodded, looking suddenly wary. "D'you think you'd do something like that again?"

"James—"

"Never mind! I thought it was worth a try!" he said, and Lily let out a chuckle. They had reached the portrait hole, and James looked at her expectantly. "So, what's the password, Miss Prefect?" he asked.

"Snarfle." She went through first, and James followed, all the while thinking that snarfle was the stupidest password ever. Several older students were lounging on the couch, including most of their friends. Lily was about to walk towards them when James grabbed her arm.

"You remember how you took me completely by surprise and didn't even give me time to digest what had just happened before you ran off?" he asked. Lily's wary look appeared on her face again, but James plowed on. "It's not very nice to do that to a poor, unsuspecting soul."

"What are you—" But he didn't give her time to finish. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, silencing her. It was a brief, chaste kiss, and before Lily even realized what he had just done, James escaped to the boys' dormitory, savoring the yell from behind him. "James Potter! I'm going to kill you!"

Everything was all right in the world, he thought with a grin.

XXX

"She's so mad, she's speechless," Kate commented wisely, looking at the other girls with a small frown, as if she wasn't happy with something. Alice shook her head.

"Nah. She's in shock. She didn't think he'd be brazen enough to do something like that." At that statement, Mary laughed.

"Oh please, both of you are way off the mark. First of all, she's impressed that he would do something like that—it took a lot of courage, and he mimicked what she had done last year. Secondly, if she were mad, she would have gone up to the boys' room and destroyed him. And lastly, even if she'll _never_ admit it, at least to us, she liked it." Mary looked very triumphant as she looked at the two girls who were watching Lily carefully. She hadn't moved from that spot on the couch since James had ran up the stairs.

Unbidden, an image of her Patronus, the large and beautiful doe, came to mind, and Lily realized that even if she didn't think Mary was right, she probably had come closer to the answer than Alice or Kate.

And that thought alone nearly sent her into a panic. She had to do something soon, and exactly how was obvious.


	14. Lily's Revelations

Chapter Fourteen- Lily's Revelations

"That is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Mary said rather bluntly, looking to Alice for support. The normally kind and sympathetic girl chuckled before she nodded in agreement.

"Yes, and we were subjected to James Potter's idea of a play," she said through her giggles. Kate raised her eyebrows at that statement, but it was obvious that she agreed with Mary and Alice.

Lily scowled.

"It's a perfectly good plan, thank you very much," she snapped, glaring at her so-called friends.

"So, let me get this straight, then. You stayed up all night thinking about James kissing you, and the brilliant plan you came up with is to _avoid him_. And you want our help?" Mary asked, her eyes bright with disbelief. Lily took a deep breath, trying to control her annoyance. After all, she needed them to help out.

"Look, perhaps if James spends less time around me, he won't feel anything positive for me—"

"Merlin! So that's what it is! You're not avoiding him so he'll leave you alone, you're avoiding him because you liked it!" Mary yelled happily. The other two girls looked thoughtful for a moment. Alice nodded in understanding, and Kate got an odd calculating look on her face.

"I have no idea how you can misconstrue my comment like that—" Lily began heatedly, but Alice interrupted her.

"It makes sense. In a weird convoluted Lily way," Alice chuckled, winking at Mary. Lily glared at them before she sat on her bed.

"You three are impossible," she muttered as she rubbed her temples with her fingers. Kate snorted.

"Please. Don't lug me in with those two. I think they both are absolutely wrong." Her voice was hard, almost harsh. Lily stared up in shock, and Mary and Alice exchanged wary glances.

"You do?" Lily asked, frowning slightly. Kate shrugged.

"Don't get me wrong. I think you're an idiot, but there are better ways to fix that." Kate smiled, and there was something absolutely _feral_ about it. Mary's mouth had fallen wide open, and Alice looked more than just shocked. No one knew what to say as Kate swung her bag over her shoulder and left the dormitory for breakfast.

Oddly enough, it was Mary that recovered first. She looked at them with a bemused frown before she chuckled.

"Anyway. I have a deal for you, Lily." Alice blinked, finally dragging her gaze away from the door, and she gave Lily an amused glance. "Alice and I will help you with your…_plan_…however, the moment it fails—and trust me, my dear, it _shall_ fail—you must go on a date with James. Agreed?" Mary raised an eyebrow expectantly, but Lily just grew angry.

"How can you be so sure it'll fail!" she demanded, throwing her hands up into the air. Alice rolled her eyes.

"Your patronus," she muttered.

"The fact you've kissed him twice now," Mary added.

"I did not kiss him twice! He kissed _me_ last night!" Lily said, her anger slipping away to be replaced by resignation. She didn't want to believe it. She had no feelings for James Potter…such an idea was completely inconceivable. However, it seemed as if her two friends were dead set on being proven wrong. She wondered how they would react when she was able to tell 'I told you so' once it was proven that her plan would work.

That thought made her smile.

"Lily. I'm going to be honest with you. If he hadn't pulled away, I doubt you would have," Alice commented lightly.

"How's Frank lately?" Lily retorted, knowing full well how childish she was being, but she didn't care. It annoyed her that Alice was telling her such things when she hadn't acted on her feelings for Frank for over two years!

"Very well, thanks. He's thinking about trying out for Quidditch this year. Can you believe it?" Alice said, obviously trying to hold back a grin. Lily took a deep breath, and nodded.

"Fine. _If_ my plan doesn't work, I'll go on one date with James. Happy?" she snapped. Mary and Alice grinned widely.

"Immensely," they said in unison, laughing at the scowl on her face.

XXX

"Damn it, Lily. You broke him!" Sirius mumbled as he sat down next to her. He immediately pulled the platter of bacon in front of him and practically emptied it out in his plate. She raised an eyebrow as he stole Remus's remaining eggs, and most of her toast.

"You're disgusting in the mornings, Padfoot," Remus said conversationally, sipping his tea in a dignified manner. Peter chuckled.

"I'm sorry, but when _isn't_ Padfoot disgusting?" He managed to dodge the slice of bacon that Sirius sent his way, even through all his laughter. Lily smiled slightly, before looking at Sirius questioningly.

"I broke who, and how did I break him?" she asked, adding a bit more marmalade to her remaining toast before taking a bite.

"James. He won't leave the dormitory until it's time for class because he's worried you'll kill him," Remus answered for Sirius, who just scowled as he took a large bite of his bacon and egg sandwich.

"Would you look at that! Perhaps you don't need our help after all, Lily. James is doing all the work for you!" Mary said, laughing into her glass of pumpkin juice. Lily rolled her eyes before turning to Remus.

"I'm not going to kill him. Maybe hex him, but I couldn't kill him."

"Yes, because she can't very well go on a date with a dead James Potter, can she?" Alice said in bored tone. Sirius dropped his sandwich in shock; Remus spit out some of his tea; Peter gave Remus an absolutely disgusted look as he tried to wipe away the hot liquid that had gotten on his face.

"Lily is going on a date James?" Remus asked, waving his wand absentmindedly, obviously meaning to dry Peter off, but instead caused the smaller boy to give a yelp of pain.

"No, I'm not! Alice is just stirring up trouble." She gave Alice a look, but the girl seemed absolutely unaffected. It was quite a shame that Frank hadn't come down for breakfast yet, Lily thought, wondering if she could get Alice back later.

"Have you three seen Kate this morning?" Mary suddenly asked. Remus and Sirius shook their heads, but Peter—in an attempt to dry himself off, and had managed to get completely soaked—ignored the question completely. His hair was plastered to his face, and his robes were sticking to him like a second skin. Lily watched him for a moment, slightly amused by his plight, before she took pity on him. He gave her an appreciative smile, but Sirius scowled.

"You ruin all our fun, Lily," he muttered, causing Remus to smack him on the side of the head.

"We don't prank each other, Padfoot. Only poor and unsuspecting souls," he said seriously, causing Alice and Lily to laugh.

"So where is she?" Mary asked no one in particular, obviously not having paid attention to anything they had said.

"Why does it matter? So Knight isn't around. Big deal," Sirius shrugged. Mary ignored him completely.

"I don't like this," Mary muttered, giving Alice and Lily a significant look. For a moment, no one spoke. The three boys seemed utterly confused, and Alice had a worried expression on her face.

"I'm sure that it's nothing," Lily said bracingly, her mind on Kate's odd behavior earlier, hoping that she was right.

XXX

Katherine Knight was a lot of things. She was impatient and testy, she reached for perfection almost to a fault, and she hated being thought of as unimportant or expendable. A part of her—she didn't know how large—seemed to shriek with anger whenever she was in one of her moods, when that feeling of inadequacy blossomed throughout her entire being, burning her with shame. It was something that she at once drew strength and yet realized that she should shy away from.

The first time it had ever occurred was when she didn't make the Gryffindor House Quidditch team. The shame and anger that she felt had pushed her to train almost obsessively. However, the next year, she made the team.

Over her five years at Hogwarts, of course, she had several instances when she felt that terrible feeling. Sometimes it was tainted by jealousy, as it was when Lily got the Prefect badge, but she had always managed to overcome it, especially if it concerned her friends. She may be a terrible person, but she did love her friends a great deal.

And yet, despite all her efforts to push aside such petty feelings, she had managed to hurt her very best friend—a girl she was ready to do anything for—just because she felt upset that Lily chose to spend Christmas at Hogwarts. She had felt betrayed, completely worthless, as if she wasn't enough, and those feelings led to her treating Lily terribly.

A part of her realized that what she was doing now was far worse. She understood that there was a chance Lily would never forgive her, never understand. But that didn't matter. Mary thought she knew Lily well, but she didn't seem to realize how stubborn the redhead could be. Kate did. Kate had dealt with it since they were eleven.

And so, as she sat on her bed, staring stoically at the ground, she planned exactly what she needed to do, and how it needed to be done. Because, in the end, it didn't matter if Lily hated her forever, she was making up for past mistakes.

Besides, she already hated herself—one more person couldn't hurt.

XXX

Avoiding James had been…fun, Lily admitted to herself as she got ready for bed. Mary and Alice were still in the common room, listening to James and Sirius tell ridiculous stories about their pranks. Lily had wanted to stay, but doing so meant violating her plan, and she couldn't do that. So, instead, she was going to bed before curfew.

Classes on the first day back were never exactly a walk in the park, but it seemed the professors had just realized that the NEWT's were only a year away. Thus, it was easy to avoid James during classes, seeing as though how focused she was on taking notes. It was during lunch and their break that Lily had to figure out ways to escape him.

James, perhaps because of a certain stupid map, knew exactly where she was at all times. It was a bit unnerving at first, because he would pop out from behind a tapestry and casually ask if she wanted to talk about anything. His eyes would then light up as she gave him no answer and continued on her way.

After the fourth time he did that, Lily began to suspect he was taking great pleasure in his antics, so she threatened to hex him if he didn't leave her alone. When he actually listened, Lily found herself wishing that she had kept her mouth shut. It didn't help that Mary gave her knowing looks all through dinner, as if she knew exactly what Lily was thinking.

She stopped brushing her teeth for a moment and blushed deeply. What was wrong with her? What was going on? How could she not want James around, but miss him terribly since he wasn't? She spat out her toothpaste in anger, finding herself quite repulsive.

Lily Evans was stronger than this, she told herself sternly.

_Sure she is_…she found herself answering back.

"Lily?" Jumping in surprise, Lily turned around to see Kate staring at her in concern, nervousness permeating every inch of her face.

"Y-yes?" she managed to stammer out, heading towards her bed, still trying to calm her racing heart after being sprung up on. Kate followed her with tentative steps.

"I was wondering…you know, if I could ask you a question?" Lily looked up at her in surprise, confused as to why she'd even feel the need to ask her that. "I need you to answer me completely honestly, though! Okay?" Lily nodded slowly, still trying to figure Kate out. "D'you—d'you have any feelings for James Potter?" The words came out quickly, with the air of someone wanting to get it over with as soon as possible. Lily, not only shocked by the question, just couldn't understand why Kate felt the need to ask. She had made her views on this subject known that very morning.

"Kate—I—wait a minute…d'you fancy James?" Lily asked, finally comprehending the look in Kate's eyes.

Suddenly, Kate's anger this morning, her general reluctance to speak of James, and the distance she had placed between herself and Lily made sense. Kate was upset over the plan because she _fancied_ James.

Lily didn't quite know what to make of that.

"I—Lily, didn't you ever wonder why I was so terrible to you last year?" Kate asked wearily, rubbing her eyes. Lily raised an eyebrow. "I…I was jealous."

_Jealous._

The word caused Lily to shiver, to feel an inexplicable coldness in her chest. It was something she had very little experience with, and far less patience with. She didn't consider herself a perfect person, far above such human emotions such as jealousy, after all, she felt jealous of those who still had their families' whole, of those who were happy when she found so little reason to be. But feeling jealous over a boy seemed…petty, even if it was normal. Petty because of what was going on outside of Hogwarts' walls.

"James—he kept asking you out, and—I've fancied him since third year—you know I'd never do anything to hurt you, right? I just…couldn't take it. I can't stand by quietly anymore. If you have feelings for him, I'd choose you over him any day, but—" Lily held up a hand to get her friend to stop talking.

A pain, an odd feeling really, was rapidly replacing that coldness in her chest, and for a moment she couldn't exactly think straight. Kate had treated her horribly because of a crush on James? The idea seemed laughable, and had it been anyone but Kate standing in front of her and saying such things, she wouldn't believe it. Lily closed her eyes, surprised by the tingling she felt behind her eyelids.

"Oh, Kate, I'd never ask you to choose between the two of us. How could you even think that?" Lily asked, her voice sounding a little off to her own ears. Something was breaking inside of her, but she couldn't understand why such news would be a big deal. So Kate fancied James? Did it matter? Wouldn't it make her plan succeed? Wouldn't it be better for her? After all, if James dated Kate, he couldn't follow her around and ask if she wanted to talk, or kiss her in the middle of the common room—

_Jealous_.

Oh, how she hated that word, that very emotion. It was Severus's jealousy of James and the other boys that led to most of their fights, she knew that. She knew that ultimately, even if she hadn't broken off their friendship because of the side he chose, that jealousy would be too much for her to handle.

Yes, she hated jealousy, she hated that people could feel that way, and she hated that it was something so common, so accepted. She hated thinking that one day she too might feel jealous, and that sense of hypocrisy made her want to vomit.

Why was she overreacting this way? She just couldn't understand…

"So, you don't mind if I date him?" Kate asked quietly. For a moment, Lily felt a surge of anger. Wasn't Kate being a bit presumptuous? What if James had no feelings for her? What if he didn't want to date her? But, as quickly as those thoughts came, they faded.

Of course James would return her feelings. She was smart, funny, and beautiful; Kate was on the Quidditch team, and she shared his sense of spontaneity. Why wouldn't he want to date her? Lily smiled gently at Kate and shook her head, not trusting her voice. She was worried that Kate would hear the pain.

Because she was in _pain_.

It made no sense to her. Because as she was wondering why something in her chest seemed to clench, seemed to break, she was also wondering if Kate could see what she had done. Had she realized that with one word she had broken the strong Lily Evans? That with one word, all her facades and guards went tumbling down?

Could Kate see the pain?

And those thoughts, those stupid questions burst through her mind once more—Why did it hurt so much? Why did it matter so much?

The answer came to her as Kate grinned happily and ran forward to pull Lily in a tight hug. It was because she had lost James. And losing James hurt.

Because he could make her laugh.

Because he somehow made her feel safe.

Because he was…James.

_Jealous._

Once again, the word flashed through her mind, and she pushed Kate slightly away. She couldn't look into her bluish-green eyes, purely because she didn't want to see the happiness in them. She idly wondered if it was right of her to feel upset that others were happy. Such a thing seemed sort of pathetic to her. Just because she was unhappy, just because she was hurt, it didn't mean others had to suffer as well.

And so she smiled at Kate and congratulated her; she gave her another hug, and she exclaimed how wonderful it would be if James and she dated. It was obvious to her own ears that the words were halfhearted, her tone completely faked, but Kate didn't seem to notice. She didn't notice that Lily was beginning to crack.

Her parents.

Severus.

And now, James…

Who else was she going to lose? How much more could she take?

The tingling behind her eyes intensified, and Lily found herself immensely glad when Kate left the dormitory, her parting words of how wonderful her best friend was still echoing in Lily's ears.

The moment Lily was sure Kate was gone, she got into her bed and drew the hangings shut, performing a quick silencing charm. And then she did the very thing she had wanted to do from the moment Kate had said the word _jealous_.

She sobbed.

Tears rushed out of her eyes as if a dam had been broken, and the force of her silent sobs racked her body. She no longer cared why she was so upset over this, she no longer cared that the clenching in her chest had long since been replaced by an overwhelming emptiness. She didn't even care that she had never answered Kate's question about having feelings for James. All she knew was that she was hurt, and she'd be damned if she didn't have a good cry.

XXX

Mary didn't have to be a bloody Seer to realize that something was completely wrong. For one thing, Lily was incredibly quiet, and her eyes seemed awfully red, as if she'd been crying. When Alice had casually asked her about it, she had muttered something about allergies, causing even Sirius to raise an eyebrow.

But Lily's strange mood wasn't as odd as Kate's behavior. Since she had woken up, she was awfully cheerful. She joked around and laughed, and had immediately sat next to James when they reached the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall.

Mary just couldn't understand what was going on.

Lily had been _fine_ when she went to bed the night before. What in the world could have happened in those two hours that she was alone in the dormitory before she, Alice, and Kate came up for bed to see she was already asleep? Mary studied Lily, suddenly unable to eat. The last time Lily was like this was when her parents were killed.

"Lily, what's wrong?" Sirius asked suddenly. Mary could have kissed him for not beating about the bush; it was something she didn't have the courage to do, so Sirius was a godsend.

"N-nothing. I'm not feeling well, that's all," she said quietly, not looking at Sirius. Remus frowned and leaned slightly so he could get a better look at her.

"Are you sure that's it, Lily? You look like you've been crying—" he began, but Lily cut him off.

"I'm fine," she snapped before stalking out of the Great Hall without a single glance back, leaving her bag behind. Remus and Sirius made to follow her, but Mary shook her head, knowing Lily's mood had nothing to do with them, even if they felt guilty about pushing her too hard. She looked at Alice for a moment, and was happy to see that no words were needed.

"I'll take care of your stuff," she muttered, waving Mary off. Grinning in thanks, Mary ran after Lily.

It wasn't obvious from Lily's overall figure, but she was quite the runner. You'd think the girl wouldn't have the endurance or strength to run for too long, but it seemed her petite body packed quite a punch. Mary was panting by the time she had found Lily, who was sitting on the floor, with her back against the wall and her knees drawn up to her chest. She was…crying.

All feelings of animosity for her friend suddenly faded, even if she was forced to go through such a workout so early in the morning. Mary could count the number of times she had seen Lily cry on one hand; it was just something Lily didn't do.

"What happened?" Mary asked, kneeling down beside Lily. Her green eyes were filled with tears as she look at Mary, and she shook her head. "C'mon. Tell me." It was more of a demand at that point than a request. She _would_ find out what had happened.

"You know our deal? H-how I was to go on one d-date with James if it didn't work out?" Mary nodded, not quite understanding where this was going. "Well, I don't think I can anymore."

"You're not backing out on this, Lily!" Mary said, almost angry that she'd try to wiggle her way out of their deal. Lily shook her head quickly.

"It's not that at all! It's just that—well, Kate told me that she fancied James…" Lily trailed off, obviously leaving the rest for Mary to figure out. Instead of answering right away, Mary closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Please. Please tell me that you told her to back off. Please tell me that you showed her your patronus and let her know you fancy James. _Please_," Mary nearly hissed, her eyes still closed.

"I suppose, in a way, I-I gave her my blessing?" The way Lily said it, like it was a question rather than a statement made Mary very angry.

"Why the hell would you do that? Are you some sort of masochistic idiot?" Mary demanded. A fire suddenly burned in Lily's eyes.

"If you think that even for a moment I want to feel this way—" But Mary wasn't in the mood to listen. Enough was enough. Lily's stubbornness had gone too far.

"When are you going to see that you have feelings for him? Are you that blind?"

"I don't have feelings for him!" Lily yelled, that fire burning even brighter. Mary rolled her eyes.

"Then why are you in the middle of an empty corridor, crying your eyes out?" she asked, her voice still filled with anger. Lily looked at her carefully for several seconds before the fire seemed to burn out. Once again, Mary was looking into empty green eyes.

"I will not lose Kate. I refuse to lose a friend over something like this." It wasn't an answer to Mary's question, but it was enough for her to realize that perhaps Lily knew exactly what she was talking about when she said she had no feelings for James. Maybe Mary had gotten it all wrong. Maybe Lily _did_ realize her feelings for James, but she pushed it away. The thought gave Mary a slight pause—why in the world would she run away from her feelings? Yes, it made sense now that she would lose Kate over it, but before? What was the purpose of fleeing before?

"You're such a noble idiot, you know that right? What about your feelings? What about _you_?" Mary looked at Lily with pity, at that moment wanting nothing more than to hurt Kate. Kate _knew_ exactly what Alice and Mary knew, she had supported their efforts of getting Lily to admit her feelings since the end of last year. So why did Kate suddenly say that she fancied James? Why now?

"It doesn't matter," Lily said harshly, surprising Mary with her disregard for her own feelings. It pained her to see Lily this way; she remembered a girl that would wake them up before sunrise and force them to go out on the grounds and watch the first rays of light appear over the horizon. It was surprising to see that girl was gone.

"Doesn't it?" Mary asked quietly, shaking her head. Lily opened her mouth—most likely to argue—but Mary wasn't going to let that happen. She pulled Lily into a tight embrace, and she made herself a promise right then and there.

She would make Kate pay for what she did.

XXX

"Sirius, calm down. We can't blame him," Remus said reasonably, though he was slowly beginning to agree with Sirius's point of view.

In a way, it was odd how the entire school knew about the shouting match involving Lily, Mary, Alice, and Kate. Yes news traveled like wildfire across the four Houses, but the fact was, there was no _proof_ of the incident. All four of the girls seemed completely normal.

Alice did spend more time with Frank than her other friends, but Remus had attributed that to the fact Frank had finally asked her to Hogsmeade, and she had accepted happily. Mary had seemed a little curt with Kate, yet that wasn't as strange as most thought; Mary and Kate never quite got along. Even Kate seemed perfectly normal except for the time she spent with James—which had become quite excessive.

However, it was Lily that worried Remus.

The so-called _fight_ had apparently occurred during the lunch break, mere hours after Mary had rushed to find Lily. No one knew why it occurred or what was said, all they knew was that Mary was infuriated with Kate, and that Lily was the reason for it.

What bothered Remus was that Lily didn't seem to _care_. She still went to classes, she still studied and worked hard, and she performed her Prefect duties with perfection. She acted normally, spoke normally, even laughed and joked around. Yet there was this underlying…thing…that Remus just couldn't figure out.

He knew there was something wrong with her, he was sure of it.

Of course, all this led to Sirius's belief that it was all James's fault; something that Remus completely disagreed with at first, but now felt had some sort of truth. Lily's odd behavior—or rather, her _lack_ of odd behavior—started from the moment James and Kate began to spend an awful amount of time with each other.

Remus wondered if Lily had a sound mind for a moment before he sighed.

"All I'm saying is that Knight must have done something, and that James hanging out with her isn't helping at all," Sirius said, not even pausing in his pacing.

"But we can't act on anything until we know the complete tru—" Remus began, only to be knocked to the ground when Peter came bounding into the dormitory, his hair disheveled and his cheeks awfully red.

"I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!" he yelled, jumping up and down like a hyperactive three year old. Sirius grabbed Peter by the collar of his robes and forced him to stand still.

"Really? How did _you_ find out?" Peter didn't seem even the least bit offended that Sirius was skeptical of him. Instead, he grinned widely laughed aloud. It seemed he was quite happy to know something his friends didn't.

"Even though Kate knows that Lily had feelings for James, she's trying to get James to ask her out," Peter rushed. He took a deep breath and continued. "That so-called fight last week was mainly between Mary and Kate. Apparently, Mary said that the only thing Kate was useful for was hurting other people. Kate got mad and tried to hex Mary, but Lily broke them up and told them that she would go straight to McGonagall if there were anymore disagreements."

"What about Alice?" Remus asked curiously.

"Alice told Kate that she agreed with Mary, but she didn't get involved in the fight. She says they're all being silly, and that it's really Lily's fault for not admitting what she feels," Peter answered slowly, his excitement dwindling away.

"I assume it was Alice who told you all this?" Sirius asked, but Peter shook his head.

"No! It was _Lily,_" he suddenly blushed deeply, but seemed to want to plow on. "She convinced Abigail Summers to go to Hogsmeade with me after she found out I…fancied Abby. I went to thank her, and we started talking." His blush was gone by the end of his sentence, but he still seemed embarrassed.

"That's not talking, mate. She gave you her whole life story," Sirius whistled, clapping Peter on the back. "Well done, Wormtail."

"Wait—You mean Lily admitted that she has feelings for James?" He thought back to exactly what Peter had said.

"No, not really. The way she talked, it was as if she was giving Mary's reasoning, not what she believed," Peter explained, frowning slightly.

"Well, we're right back to square one. James is oblivious and he's spending too much time with Knight, and Lily is denying everything," Sirius threw his hands up into the air in exasperation.

"We…just need a plan," Remus muttered slowly. "Someway to get James to ignore Kate and bother Lily." No one spoke for a whole minute before Peter made an excited squeak.

"James would listen to us, right? Perhaps if he thought we didn't approve of Kate, he'd avoid her?" Remus raised an eyebrow in surprise. It wasn't too bad of a plan…

"Nah. It wouldn't work. He's too bloody nice to do that," Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes.

"I suppose the real question is if Lily really does have feelings for James or not," Remus added, thinking aloud. Sirius snorted, but Peter nodded solemnly.

"She definitely feels _something_, but perhaps she just doesn't realize what it is?" The point had merit. It was a very Lily thing to do—completely deny what was staring her right in the face. After all, it's what she had done for years concerning Snape.

"Then that should be our focus. Convince Lily of the truth," Remus said firmly.

"Yes, but how? Lily is even more stubborn than James, you know that," Peter complained, looking at Remus for the answers. Sirius laughed and rubbed his hands together.

"I have a plan, gentlemen." Remus didn't particularly like the gleam in Sirius's eyes, but he did have to admit, Sirius had planned some of their best pranks. "Have you ever heard of the phrase, 'fight fire with fire?'"

XXX

"You're avoiding me," James said bluntly as he sat down across from her. The library was relatively empty, perhaps because of the impending curfew, but Lily gave no signs of stopping what she was doing. Getting back to the common room before curfew was for lesser mortals, obviously.

"Why would I do that?" she asked, looking up at him curiously. It was the first time he had seen her clearly since the first night back, and it was obvious that something was wrong. Her features were pleasant enough; she even had a small smile on her lips. But her eyes seemed distant, as if she was somewhere far away, and she wasn't quite seeing anything in front of her.

Merlin, this girl would be the death of him.

"I don't know. Are you upset because of what I did the first night back? Because if that's it, I swear, I'll keep a three meter distance from you at all times!"

"Really?"

"Definitely!"

"Then you need to move your chair back," she said rather calmly. James looked at her for several seconds before grumbling. He began to push his chair back when he felt her hand on his wrist. "I was just joking, James. No need to be so serious," and she laughed. The sound made him smile because he was the one who had caused it.

"So why are you avoiding me?" James asked, glad that she hadn't let go of his wrist yet, though confused as to why. She looked at him carefully for a moment before she sighed.

"I'm not avoiding you. Maybe I was the first day of classes, but not anymore," she said softly before letting go of his wrist and sitting back in her chair.

"Ah," he muttered, not understanding what she meant. Why was she being so secretive? "So…that means?" Lily laughed, and she rolled her eyes.

"Where's your twin?" she suddenly asked, not answering his question. He frowned for a moment before he realized she was talking about Kate.

"She needed to go to the loo. And so I cleverly made my escape," he joked, glad that his comment got Lily to laugh again. He liked her laugh.

"From the way you talk, one would think you don't like having her follow you around everywhere," Lily said lightly. James grinned, though in the back of his mind, he heard alarm bells going off.

"Kate is…she's your mate, so I don't want to make you upset, but she's quite the nuisance," he said carefully, not wanting to make Lily angry with him. To his ultimate surprise, Lily smiled brightly, and even her eyes seemed to light up.

How odd…

"Have you tried talking to her?" she asked, her voice steady, even if she couldn't hide the slight happy edge to it.

"Have _you _ever told someone to just go away? It's not as easy as you think, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings," he muttered, finding it odd that Lily just smiled. He had expected a stern lecture, not a smile.

"You have changed, haven't you? First, you don't hex Severus, even though you had every reason to, and now you show that you care about other people's feelings." James raised an eyebrow.

"I'll have you know, I'm quite amazing," James said with certainty, grinning when Lily laughed. She slowly gathered her things, and James put her books back for her. "We should get going. Curfew's in ten minutes." Lily looked up at him and she groaned.

"I hate it when Mary's right," she muttered under her breath, giving him another searching look before shaking her head. "I hate it!"

James blinked in confusion before he decided that it probably didn't concern him anyway.

XXX

Frankly, she should have punched him.

At least, that's what a fuming and upset Lily thought as she leaned against the wall outside of the Transfiguration classroom, wondering when the blasted bell would ring for class.

Her unexpected talk with James in the library the night before was grating on her nerves all morning already, but then _he_ had to make it ten times worse with all his vile words.

Potions was perhaps the easiest class for her. There was that natural comprehension of the subject, but also Slughorn's tendency to favor her work and give her good marks. In years past, she even attributed her success in that class to working with Severus. Of course, she'd rather eat bubotuber pus than admit such a thing to the git. After all, that git deserved nothing but a broken nose after everything he said not twenty minutes ago.

She might have over-reacted a little bit; she could concede to that. However, she didn't regret anything. It was simple concept, really, one that Severus should have understood. You don't go poking a sleeping dragon in the eye.

It had started from the very beginning of class with his incessant muttering about 'Potter's arrogance,' and 'Black's stupidity.' He had actually turned to her and asked how she could even bear to talk to such 'dunderheads.' Lily prided herself on remaining calm enough to merely elbow him in the ribs—hard—but she'd been unable to remain that way.

"You used to be so much smarter than this, Lily," Severus had hissed as their potion began to simmer and turn a dark blue. "You _knew_ what Potter was. But now what? You're his friend? I didn't think you'd sink that low."

Before she knew it, Lily was on her feet, their cauldron falling to the ground with a loud crash, the potion splattering all around them.

"How _dare_ you lecture me?" she had yelled, infuriated with her former best friend. He had no right to judge her friends, not when he kept company with Death Eaters. She shouldn't have just picked up her bag and left, she realized that now, but it was difficult to stay in the same room as Severus and not send a few jinxes his way. So she just kicked the cauldron aside and walked out, ignoring Slughorn's protests.

Which was why she was outside the Transfiguration classroom, a full half-hour before class even started.

"Miss Evans, what are you doing here?" Lily turned to see McGonagall looking at her with a very stern look—as if she had already heard about what had occurred in Potions. "You should be in Potions."

"Well—"

"And you most certainly should not be throwing your cauldron to the ground or stalking out of the classroom early."

"Ah. So you know?" McGonagall raised an eyebrow, a gesture that plainly said, _I know everything, foolish child_.

"In any case, I'm glad that you're here, there's something I wish to discuss with you," the older woman said, opening her door and beckoning Lily inside. "I am sure you know Mr. Pettigrew, yes?" Lily nodded, watching as McGonagall sat at her desk. "Mr. Pettigrew received an Acceptable on his OWL in Transfiguration, and as you know, I only accept Exceeds Expectations in my NEWT classes. However, he has promised me to work extra hard this year," she paused and looked at Lily appraisingly for a moment before continuing. "I wish for Mr. Pettigrew to do well in this class, and so I want you to tutor him."

"Me? Professor, surely you can find someone better in Transfiguration than me! Sirius—even James—are both far more talented."

"I have already discussed this with Mr. Pettigrew. He does not wish for his friends to know of his…troubles. I suggested you, and he agreed." Lily looked at her professor for a moment before shaking her head.

"I'm not good enough to tutor, Professor," she muttered, hanging her head. McGonagall shook her head slightly.

"Yes, you are. And besides, this will be good for you. It will force you to interact with others more." Lily blushed as she realized that her professor had basically called her antisocial.

"I suppose I'll do it," she finally said, causing McGonagall to give a curt nod.

"Very good. I'll leave the arrangements to the two of you," she nodded again. "Although I am sure I have no need to worry, do be soft on the boy." Before Lily had a chance to answer, several students shuffled into the classroom. They were talking awfully loud, and Lily blushed when she heard her name.

"And Evans just waltzed out of there! I mean, perfect Lily Evans threw a temper tantrum!" The Ravenclaw girl laughed, causing her friend to giggle as well. Lily recognized her, though she didn't remember a name…

"Really? And then what did perfect Lily Evans do?" Lily asked sarcastically, glaring at the two girls. They opened and closed their mouths several times, causing them to look like fish, making Lily laugh. "Just a rule of thumb, girls, if you're going to talk behind someone's back, at least make sure she's not around, okay?" And before she turned around to head for her desk in the back of the classroom, Lily could have sworn that McGonagall had cracked a grin.

XXX

"You are my hero, Evans," Sirius said in feigned awe, bowing deeply to her. They were headed towards the Great Hall for dinner, and since Sirius had somehow coerced Lily into eating with them, he was now reenacting her actions from that morning almost excessively. Remus smiled gently when Lily groaned.

"Don't worry, he'll get it out of his system soon enough," Remus tried to placate her, though he wasn't sure how well he was doing. Lily put her head in her hands, refusing to look at any of them.

"It's not just Sirius, though. All day that's all people have been talking about—Lily Evans's fall from grace."

"What d'you mean?" Peter asked, his brow furrowed in confusion. Remus, however, was fairly certain where this was going, and he felt a little bit of pity for Lily.

"It's just that—I don't know—everyone as this image of me being flawless. I hate being seen that way. If anything, I have more flaws than the average person. I'm completely messed up," she explained, looking up at them, her green eyes dull.

"You know, oddly enough that's true. People do see you as infallible," Sirius commented off-handedly, grinning when Lily scowled. "But I don't! In fact, I know exactly how completely terrible you truly are!"

"Thanks Sirius, you really know how to cheer a girl up," Lily deadpanned, causing Sirius to give her a mock salute. They walked on in silence before Lily asked the question Remus knew she was bursting to ask from the very beginning. "So, where's James?" Sirius winked at Remus as he took Lily's hand and patted it softly.

"I don't know how to tell you this—" he began in a sorrowful tone, before Remus felt it was better if he wasn't allowed to finish his comment.

"James has detention. Filch caught him throwing dungbombs into the Slytherin dungeons, and so now he has to spend the night polishing the awards in the trophy room."

"Oh," Lily muttered, turning red. Remus tactfully looked away, not wanting to embarrass her, but Sirius obviously had no qualms.

"Oooh! Look at Lily! She's turning as red as an apple! I wonder why?" he laughed, sounding uncannily like Peeves.

"Hey, you're right!" Peter exclaimed, and suddenly Remus wondered why he didn't have smarter friends.

"So, Lily, we know the truth about what happened between you, Kate, Mary, and Alice," Sirius said, winking. Remus nearly slapped his forehead.

"Lily was the one who told Peter in the first place, Sirius!" he reminded his friend, who seemed to enjoy pretending to be stupid.

"What does this have to do with anything at all?" Lily asked warily. When Sirius grinned, Remus groaned. This wasn't going to end well.

"Don't you want James to spend time with you rather than Kate?" Sirius asked. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Um, no. Not really."

"C'mon. You can tell us. We swear we won't tell James that you're interested in him." Sirius winked again.

"Padfoot, heel," Remus muttered, but it seemed that Sirius had no sense of self-preservation, because he just plowed on.

"If you're jealous of Kate—"

"Excuse me? Jealous? Of Kate? There's nothing in this world that can make me be jealous of _her_. She has _nothing_, and I mean _nothing_, that could make me jealous," Lily snapped, her eyes full of fire. Remus grabbed Sirius's arm, hoping that the idiot would have the sense to keep quiet.

It was a shame that Sirius had no sense.

"Why are you being so stubborn? Just admit you're jealous that Kate has James right now and you don't!" he shot right back, his playfulness from before gone. Lily's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"We're friends, Sirius, but don't you _dare_ presume you know more about me and my feelings than I do. I know exactly what I'm doing." For a moment she merely stared Sirius down before she swept past him and walked towards the Great Hall alone. A moment later, Peter had the sense to chase after her.

Remus sighed and looked at Sirius with exasperation.

"Was that really necessary?" he asked wearily. Sirius frowned and tilted his head to one side.

"What d'you think she means when she says she knows what she's doing?" he asked, not even bothering to pretend that he was listening. Remus shrugged.

"I don't know, Padfoot. But it's painfully obvious you can't force her to admit anything."

"Maybe she realizes it—but no, if she did, why is she letting Kate do what she's doing?" Sirius muttered, more to himself than Remus. Deciding it wasn't worth his time to try and figure out Sirius's nonsensical thoughts, Remus began walking…only seconds before stopping and turning to look at Sirius in shock.

"Padfoot!"

"What?" Sirius snapped irritably. Remus pulled on Sirius's arm and pointed to the staircase in front of them. "Oh God, d'you think Lily saw?" he asked after a second of silence.

"She must have! She passed right by here!"

"James…you're such an idiot," Sirius moaned, hitting his forehead with his palm. Remus just blinked, finding it only mildly surprising that James would skive off detention so he could snog Katherine Knight in the middle of the corridor.

"She's going to be so mad," Sirius whistled, and Remus couldn't help but nod. Sirius, however, suddenly cocked his head to one side and grinned.

"What?"

"You remember my plan?"

"Yeah, the one with getting someone to ask Lily out and laugh when James bursts with jealousy? 'Fire with fire,' you said," Remus muttered, shaking his head. Sirius's grin grew and he tapped his temple.

"I just figured out a better way to go about this."

"Oh no…"

"School is officially in session," Sirius laughed, ignoring Remus completely.

XXX

"Are you dating her?" Sirius asked him angrily, his eyes narrowed. James pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and he blinked.

"Why does it matter to you?" he asked in confusion.

Peter was laying back on his bed, staring at the ceiling, Remus was sitting near the window reading, and Frank seemed to be writing a letter. None of them spoke, but he could tell that all three of them were upset with him.

"Did you or did you not tell Remus that you had feelings for Lily?" Sirius demanded. James glanced at Remus, a bit upset that he was still engrossed in his book.

"Yeah, I did," James answered back honestly.

"Then what the hell are you doing with Knight?" James blinked. He was surprised that Frank would use such language—he was normally so polite—but also that he seemed…angry.

"She kissed me, not the other way around!" James said, holding his hands up in the air.

"Why didn't you stop her?" Remus asked calmly, finally looking up from his book.

"You're all…actually upset over this?" James asked incredulously. Frank put his letter down and he shook his head.

"James, you're an idiot. You know that right?"

"He's a complete dolt," Peter added.

"Not too bright if you know what I mean," Sirius commented. James blinked once before he shook his head in exasperation.

"What's going on?" he demanded, surprised when Remus got to his feet.

"James, mate, I'm going to ask you a few serious questions that you _must_ answer honestly. Do you fancy Lily?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to date Lily?

"Yes."

"How are you going to do that?"

"I-I—don't…what?" Sirius groaned at James's answer, Peter rolled his eyes, and Frank just laughed.

"He's even more hopeless than I was!" Frank exclaimed happily, as if it was incredibly humorous that others were worse off than him.

"James, who are you going to Hogsmeade with?" Sirius asked slowly. James frowned.

"I promised Kate—"

"BEEP, wrong answer!" Sirius yelled.

"Okay, seriously, what's going on?" he demanded, starting to get annoyed with his friend's behavior.

"I'm going to be blunt with you, James. What you did today, that's a big no-no," Sirius said slowly. "If you really want Lily to go out with you, you need get your act straight. She's not going to be happy with you if one minute you claim to fancy her but the next you exchange saliva with another girl."

"You mean to tell me that you're going to help me with Lily?" James asked, completely surprised.

"No shit, Sherlock. Now, first things first, you're _not_ going to Hogsmeade with _Kate_." James looked at Sirius with a wince.

"But I promised!"

"Promise shomise. Break the girl's heart, I don't care."

"Sirius, be nice," Remus admonished, but Sirius was unrepentant. He stuck his tongue out at Remus before turning back to James.

"Secondly, you need to spend every possible moment with Lily from now till the first weekend in October."

"Wait, what?"

"James, we're trying to help you. Please don't make me hurt you," Sirius said, waving James's question off. James opened his mouth to protest, but Sirius bent forward and pressed his hand to James's mouth. "Shh, my dear dolt of a mate, shh. I shall teach you the ways of the woman's mind."

"Ways of the woman's mind? Really, Sirius?" Remus muttered, shaking his head slightly. Sirius ignored him.

"Thirdly! You need to show dear Miss Evans that you've grown up. Show her how much you care, do things that are incredibly nice. Prove your feelings!" James groaned slightly.

"She questions everything I do! That's not going to work," he complained, causing Frank to laugh.

"Trust us, James. She'll be far more open to you than you think," he explained between his chuckles. No one was able to comment on that, because at that moment, the door to their dormitory swung wide open, and an irate Mary and Alice stalked in, glaring at James.

"YOU KISSED KATE?" Mary demanded, her hands on her hips. Alice said nothing. Instead she walked over to Frank and they began to whisper to each other quickly.

"Oi, Frank, you told your girlfriend _already_?" Sirius shouted over Mary's voice. Frank just shrugged apologetically.

"Black! Shut up, okay?" Mary yelled before turning back to James. She pulled her wand out and pointed it straight at James's chest. For his part, James was disheartened to see his so-called friends only looked on curiously, as if their mate getting cursed was mildly interesting. "I thought that you and Lily together was cute and I was all for it, but then you had the nerve to go kiss _Kate_?"

"Why does everyone say her name like that? Like she's You-Know-Who for goodness' sake?" James muttered. Mary let out a mirthless laugh.

"Because she's done terrible things!" Mary yelled, looking up when Alice laughed.

"Sorry, Mary," she coughed, pointedly ignoring the glare Mary sent her way, "I-I had something stuck in my throat." Frank gave Alice a high five.

"Nice save," he whispered, causing Peter to snort. Mary narrowed her eyes and stared at James carefully.

"If you had to choose between them, who'd you pick?" she asked, her voice low. James didn't even need to think.

"Lily."

"THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SNOGGING KATE?" Mary yelled. James felt his eyes widen.

"Ok. First of all, I'm not dating Lily so I don't see why this is such a big deal—"

"It's a big deal because you made a mistake. Girls don't quite appreciate it when a bloke says that he likes her but then goes off and, as Sirius so eloquently put it, exchanges saliva with another girl," Remus explained gently, giving James an amused though slightly exasperated look.

"I didn't think she'd get upset. She—she said she just wanted to be friends," James said quietly, feeling very stupid. At the time, kissing Kate didn't seem that big of a deal. After all, he had no girlfriend, the girl he liked didn't like him, so he thought it couldn't hurt. Obviously, he hadn't been thinking with his head.

"James, you will learn one day that you _never_ listen to what Lily is saying. You listen to what she's not saying. She keeps what she's really feeling deep inside," Alice told him, walking over and patting his shoulder kindly.

"So when she says she doesn't like me that way, she really does?" James asked hopefully. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Why the hell would we say that kissing Kate was a bad idea if you hadn't somehow hurt Lily?" he asked, glaring at James.

"So if I ask her out again, she'll say yes?"

"No! Don't you dare ask her!" Alice yelled, with Mary nodding vigorously. "Stop spending time with Kate. That's all you need to do, okay?" James nodded in agreement, but he was completely confused. If Lily had feelings for him, why shouldn't he ask her to Hogsmeade. Mary gave him a pitying look, before she shook her head.

"Lily will say no if you ask her. She saw you snogging Kate, and she thinks you're a pig," Mary said happily, as if she had read his mind.

"She said that?" James groaned, causing Alice to laugh.

"No. It was more like, 'I don't care what he does. He's at perfect liberty to kiss whomever he wants, but that arrogant toerag had better stay away from me.'" Alice's imitation of Lily was done uncannily well, and James shivered.

"She's mad, isn't she?" he asked rhetorically.

"Oh yeah," Sirius whistled, ignoring James's irritated look.

XXX

"Lily?"

"Yes, Kate?"

"Hypothetically, if you had a friend who you knew was being incredibly stupid about something, would you try to help him or her even if it ruined your friendship?"

"I don't know, Kate. Why are you asking me something like this at three in the morning?" Lily rolled over to her side so that she could look at Kate.

She hadn't seen Kate since that day in the corridor, but it was obvious that the last two weeks had not been easy on the girl. Kate had deep purple bags beneath her eyes, as if she hadn't slept for days; her hair—normally neat and ordered—was in disarray. For the first time since third year, Lily was looking at a Kate who wore no make-up, and it slightly unnerved her.

Rumors of James avoiding Kate had reached her ears over the past two weeks, but she had paid them no mind. Now it seemed, however, they were all true, because Kate looked…depressed.

"I-I—Look, Lily, what if you had a very good reason to do what you did? D'you think that your friend would forgive you?" Kate's voice seemed raspy, something she hadn't noticed when Kate had spoken earlier. It was almost as if she was close to tears.

"Kate, are you alright?" Lily asked softly, greatly concerned for her friend. Yes, she was upset with Kate. Yes, Kate had hurt her. But that was no reason to watch Kate suffer and not worry. After all, Kate was one of her oldest friends; no matter what she did, Lily didn't think she could abandon her completely.

"Would you answer the questions, please?" Kate begged, grasping Lily's hands tightly. Lily raised an eyebrow but she sighed.

"If I hypothetically had a friend that was being stupid about something, I'd talk to him or her. If that didn't work, though, I wouldn't do something to jeopardize our friendship."

"What about you and Snape? You tried talking to him, but it didn't work. And now you're not friends," Kate protested. Lily frowned slightly.

"_I _ wasn't the one that did anything, though. I tried to stay his friend, he was the one that ended it by calling me that word."

"Could you ever forgive Snape?" she asked softly, and Lily suddenly felt shocked. What in the world could have brought this conversation on?

"No, I couldn't," Lily said sharply, watching as Kate's face fell. "But that doesn't mean I wouldn't forgive a friend that just made an honest mistake. What did you do, Kate?" Lily bluntly asked, realizing what this whole conversation was about. Kate was feeling guilty over something, and she wanted reassurance that it could be forgiven.

"I—Hey, I'm so glad it's a Hogsmeade weekend this week! I've been running low on sugar quills—"

"Kate," Lily interrupted, "what did you do?" There was a second where Lily thought Kate was actually going to leave and explain nothing, but then Kate's shoulders fell, and she buried her head into Lily's covers.

"I don't like James Potter. I never fancied him, I never even was slightly attracted to him. He annoys me more than anyone else in this school, and I think he's a lump of wasted talented."

"So flattering of you, Kate," Lily joked, trying to push back her sudden anger. Everything began to make sense…

"I only said that I fancied James because I _knew_ you did, but you were being all stubborn. I thought that if you felt jealous that someone else had him, you'd admit your feelings," Kate rushed, her voice muffled.

"Does James know?" Lily asked quietly, and Kate buried her face even deeper.

"I told him the day after the kiss—which was all me, by the way. He was obviously angry, but he didn't say anything at first. He just shrugged and told me that he hoped you never found out."

"Why?"

"He said—he said that if you found out and were hurt over it, he'd make sure the rest of my time at Hogwarts is a living Hell. He said that even if you let me get away with it, he wouldn't stand for a friend hurting another friend." Lily found herself blushing slightly at James's words. He had been used, but his only concern had been for her…Lily shook her head quickly, as if that would make those thoughts go away. "I swear I wasn't trying to hurt you. I just wanted you to see the truth!"

"That was an interesting way of going about that," Lily muttered, rolling her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Lily! I mean, you know me. You know that I'm not purposefully mean."

"Kate, I—"

"You don't have to be friends with me anymore, but please say you're not angry with me. I couldn't take it if you're angry."

"Why not? I have every right to be angry! Look at what you did! You hurt me and used James. And nothing good came of it." Lily snapped, sitting up and forcing Kate to look at her. "What you did was stupid and idiotic. It was like a five-year-old planned it," Lily continued, and found to her surprise that Kate grinned slightly.

"Well, my younger brother did help a bit with the planning," she commented lightly, and Lily couldn't help herself. She started laughing. After a while, Kate joined in as well, and the two of them laughed at everything, yet also nothing at all.

She could have stayed mad at Kate; Lily realized that she probably _should_ stay mad at Kate. This was the second time that Kate had hurt Lily, but Lily couldn't find it in her heart to be angry. Kate had done what she believed would help, and in her own convoluted way, it did help. Yes, Lily admitted to herself that what she felt for James wasn't exactly platonic, but an attraction meant nothing. It did not mean she had feelings for him. So while Kate had made Lily see how much it hurt to lose James—far more than Severus—it didn't prove anything. James was just an attractive friend.

A highly attractive friend.

And so Lily forgave her slightly dim-witted friend. It wasn't worth losing her over something as silly as this. It wasn't like she wanted to join the Death Eaters. She grinned slightly before pulling Kate into a tight hug.

"I missed being your friend," Kate said softly and Lily laughed.

"It was _your_ fault that we weren't getting along!"

"Yes, I know."

XXX

"Lily!" Lily continued walking, completely ignoring the panting that came from behind her. "Oh c'mon!" Just hear me out!" Severus cried, grabbing her arm. She pulled her wand out and turned to him, incensed that he was actually trying to talk to her.

"What d'you want, Severus?" she said harshly, ignoring how it made him flinch.

"I just wanted—please…please don't go to Hogsmeade," he said as he twiddled his thumbs. Lily frowned at him.

"No. My friends and I have plans today, and we _will_ be going."

"Lily, please listen. I'm begging you, just don't go to Hogsmeade!" Severus said beseechingly, his eyes wide and round.

"Why? Why shouldn't we go?"

"I-I can't tell you," he muttered, and Lily shook her head.

"You know something, don't you?" she hissed, her eyes going towards his arm. Severus paled and he shook his head frantically.

"Just don't go, okay?"

"If something's going to happen, tell me!" Lily demanded. "Tell Dumbledore! Stop being such a coward!" Severus's eyes suddenly flared.

"Do you honestly think that if I knew something was going to happen that I wouldn't go straight to Dumbledore?" he snapped.

"I don't know. The old Severus would have run to do the right thing, but I don't know about this Death Eater version of him," Lily shot back, and Severus paled even more. He looked around them before leaning closer to her face.

"I don't know anything. Just call it a hunch." His eyes were pleading, and Lily nearly punched him right then and there.

"I'm going to Dumbledore." She was about to turn and walk off but Severus grabbed her arm.

"It's too late now," he said softly, and before she even had a chance to respond, he let go of her arm and ran off like the coward he was. Lily glanced at her watch and saw to her horror that it was well after breakfast. Most students would be in Hogsmeade by now.

Lily's eyes widened and she ran towards Dumbledore's office, hoping that Severus's so-called hunch was wrong.


	15. The Equal and Opposite Reaction

Chapter Fifteen- The Equal and Opposite Reaction

_Thump_.

Her heartbeat seemed loud to her own ears, perhaps because of the eerie silence around her, or perhaps of what she was witnessing before her very eyes. Dumbledore was looking out of his window that was behind his desk, his shoulders slumped forward, his half-moon glasses sliding down the edge of his crooked nose without his knowledge. He looked…old in that moment, and Lily was frightened.

"I must ask you to remain here, Lily," Dumbledore said softly. He hadn't spoken since she had described her encounter with Severus, and the fact that his first words were of warning, made Lily bristle.

"I am not staying behind! If you're going to Hogsmeade to fight, I want to come as well!" Lily exclaimed, nearly glaring at the Headmaster. Dumbledore sighed as he looked to Fawkes. The phoenix ruffled its feathers and looked at Lily dolefully, as if unhappy with her for being stubborn.

"Miss Evans," Lily took note of the use of her surname, "I implore you to see reason. There is no need to put yourself in danger—"

"My friends are in danger! How could I sit here and do nothing when I _know_ that they could be hurt?" Fawkes let out a few trills of his song, and Lily found her anger abating.

Stupid bird, she thought to herself.

"Please Professor, please," Lily begged, and Dumbledore gave her a searching look. His normally twinkling blue eyes seemed dull and distant, but after a moment, he nodded.

"Gryffindors," he muttered before he motioned for her to take hold of Fawkes. She reached out tentatively, and suddenly, in a flash of flames, she found herself in the alley next to the Three Broomsticks. "I want you to find anyone you think would be willing to help. Bring them to me, quickly now!" Lily didn't even bother to nod or acknowledge his command in any way. She rushed out of the alley and began to frantically search for people she knew.

Perhaps it was fate, or more likely sheer dumb luck, but the first person Lily found was none other than James. He was leaning against the wall of Zonko's, and he was chewing Drooble's bubble gum. He grinned and waved when he saw her run over.

"All right, Evans?" he chuckled. Lily grabbed his arm tightly.

"There might be an attack on Hogsmeade. Gather anyone you know who will want to fight!" Lily told him in a harsh whisper. His features went from completely self-absorbed to serious and understanding.

"Dumbledore knows?" he asked quickly. Lily nodded before she turned around to find someone else.

It was only then that she realized it was too late; nearly two-dozen black-cloaked Death Eaters had appeared in Hogsmeade with their wands out.

"The Dark Lord sends his regards!" One of the masked Death Eaters yelled, and chaos ensued.

XXX

"Lily! Look out!" James yelled. He pushed her out of the way of the first volley of spells from the Death Eaters. He heard a few third years scream in terror, and James felt his blood go cold.

Innocents could die!

"James, we have to help the younger students!" Lily hissed at him, pushing him off of her. Her wand was out and she sent several curses towards the Death Eater closest to them, wrapping him up in tight binds. Immediately two other black-cloaked men rushed forward.

"_Stupefy!_" One of them yelled. However, James was quicker. His Shield Charm was already up, and before the Death Eaters even had the chance to retaliate, Lily had disarmed them. She caught their wands and stuffed them in her pocket, grabbing James by the hand and running towards the screams.

"_CRUCIO!_" The screams grew louder and Lily paled. In that instant, James realized something very important: He could never be like his father.

"James, they're torturing kids!" Lily moaned, dodging the debris falling from the shops and stunning Death Eaters as they ran. He just nodded, unwilling to comment for fear of losing his stomach's contents. How could his father deal with this day after day? James had been in the middle of a battle for less than five minutes and he already felt sick.

"Look! It's the blood-traitor, Potter!" a Death Eater yelled. He waved his wand and to James's shock, Lily fell to the ground, writhing and flailing in agony. Her first scream tore at his heart, and he was filled with a blind fury.

"Leave her alone!" James shouted, forgetting he was a wizard with a wand and magic. He barged at the Death Eater and began to pummel him with his fists.

"Gerrof me!"

"_Stupefy!_" Another Death Eater cried, but James rolled off his punching bag quickly and dodged the spell.

"_Petrificus Totalus!_" he yelled right back, watching in satisfaction as the Death Eater that tried to stun him fell to the ground, as stiff as a board. He watched as Lily stood up shakily.

"_Incarcerous_," she muttered softly, tying up the Death Eater. She turned to James and gave him a small smile. "Your hands," she said, pointing to his bloodied knuckles. James frowned slightly and watched in amazement as Lily tapped her wand against them and muttered a quick, "_Episkey_."

"James! Lily! Look out!" The both of them turned around to see two incredibly large Death Eaters advancing towards them. James felt Lily grab his arm and pull him, but his feet didn't seem to agree; he was stuck! He attempted to move his legs, but no matter how hard he tried, he was completely immobile.

"Oh God, James! Move!" Lily said in desperation, but James couldn't. He looked at her and gave her a small smile. "_Finite Incantatem!_" she cried, pointing her wand at his legs. They suddenly gave way, and he fell to the ground, pulling Lily with him.

It was rather lucky that they both fell; at that moment the Death Eaters had decided to attack. Their curses flew over James and Lily's head harmlessly, and hit the building behind them, which began to crumble to the ground. Wood, stone, and tiles flew towards them, and James began wishing he could have died as an old man…

"_Protego!_" Lily yelled, causing James to feel very stupid. He blinked and pulled his wits together. He searched for the person who had yelled out a warning, and he was surprised to see Remus rush forward.

He had a broken arm, and there was a deep gash on his right cheek, but he otherwise looked fine.

"Dumbledore got all the younger students back to the castle. Six of the Death Eaters are dead—wayward Killing Curses, the idiots—and another four are grievously injured," he said quickly, nodding in thanks as Lily managed to bandage his arm.

"So ten down, huh?" James muttered, Remus opened his mouth to speak but a large piece of what used to be Zonko's practically exploded. James felt pieces of wood and rock scratch his face, but he didn't look away. More than half a dozen Death Eaters had surrounded the three of them, and even with their stupid masks on, you could see their sneers.

James found himself scared for the first time in his life.

XXX

She had been able to control her tears, but that was only because the pain prevented her from thinking about how scared she was, and that the pain had become so overwhelming that she was far past crying over it.

James and Remus hadn't noticed the thick piece of wood that had embedded itself in her side, but she certainly had, and the fact that her vision was blurring, her legs were growing weak, and her head was spinning, gave her little hope of surviving.

She could smell the blood in the air…

The nine or so Death Eaters that surrounded them seemed inconsequential at that moment. It was upsetting that she knew the spell to make a splint for a broken limb, but she knew nothing about how to deal with a stake in her side.

"Potter, move aside. The Dark Lord does not wish to shed pure blood. But the girl, that _mudblood_, she must die." Lily almost laughed. Really? Couldn't they _see_ that she was already a goner? For goodness' sake, she could feel her warm blood soaking her robes.

"If you want her, you'll have to go through me!" James yelled, pushing Remus to the ground in an effort to keep him from being seen. Lily thought it was pointless, but apparently, the Death Eaters were far stupider that she had initially thought; they didn't seem to notice Remus slowly crawling away through the ruins of Zonko's, presumably to get help.

"Very well then. I doubt the Dark Lord will mind too much," a Death Eater closer to Lily said before shouting out the Cruciatus Curse. Lily watched in horror as James fell to his hands and knees, his face contorted in pain. He was trying to keep from yelling out, as she had, but she knew that he couldn't keep that up for long—the pain was far too great.

"_Reducto!_" Lily yelled, pointing her wand towards the circle of Death Eaters. Several of them flew back, landing to the ground with a loud thud, and she was pleased to note that many of their wands had snapped as well. She was not pleased, however, to see that most were absolutely fine, and walking towards her. "_Impedimenta!_" she cried out desperately as James panted, trying to get over being struck by the Cruciatus Curse several times. The Death Eaters were slowed down, but Lily knew it wouldn't hold them for long. She looked at James and found to her shock that he was shaking in obvious pain—perhaps an aftereffect of too many curses being shot at him?—and that she had tears rolling down her cheeks. The stench of blood—possibly her own blood—was filling her nostrils, the Death Eaters were slowly getting closer, her side was erupting in pain, and yet her only thought was how wrong she was about James.

She couldn't tell you when it started, after all, she'd been denying anything to do with him for quite a long time, but she was absolutely certain she not only found James attractive, but she…well she…

She loved how loyal he was to his friends, how caring he could be. She loved his jokes and his carefree attitude. She loved how he could make her smile, make her feel safe, even if he acted like a five-year-old most of the time. She loved his messy hair, those stupid glasses that kept sliding down the edge of his nose, and his deep brown eyes. She loved the sound of his voice and his laugh.

Her eyes widened as she realized the truth. She loved him! She _loved_ him! Her eyes threatened to allow her tears of joy to fall, her heart threatened to burst from happiness, and the pain in her side seemed to shy away from the feelings she had run from for so long. Lily nearly laughed aloud…

It was as if once everything made sense, things had to unravel. The Death Eaters broke free of the Impediment Jinx, one of them sent a purplish flame that hit her right in the chest, and Lily finally passed out from the pain, her last thought being that it was upsetting to die now that she realized the truth.

XXX

_He saw a blinding white light flash around them, and the Death Eaters that were rushing towards them…scampered. He tried to keep his eyes open, to make sure he and Lily got out of the situation with their lives, but he could feel them drooping. Suddenly, a wizard with twinkling blue eyes met his gaze._

"_You've done very well, James. Now rest. You deserve it," the wizard (How did he know it was a wizard? Was it the long white beard that gave it away?) said softly, patting his head gently. James nodded, and he succumbed to slumber, his dreams of a green-eyed girl. _

XXX

"That looks…disgusting," James heard Sirius say loudly. Slowly, and tentatively, he opened his eyes to meet three very blurry figures. "HE'S ALIVE!" Sirius yelled, jumping forward to grab James's hand.

"Padfoot! Shut up! Mary still needs her rest!" Remus admonished, and though James couldn't see his face clearly, he knew Remus was glaring at Sirius. James grinned slightly.

"What's disgusting?" James asked carefully, sitting up straight. Someone handed him his glasses, and once he put them on, he found three very guilty-looking people staring at him. "Well?" he prodded. Remus sighed.

"It appears that you hurt your leg rather badly. Apparently, Lily's Shield Charm didn't protect the two of you as well as it should have." Remus looked at James's leg and then shivered before turning back.

"Wait. Where is Lily? And how did her Shield fail?" James asked, trying to stand. Peter pushed him back into the bed as Sirius shrugged.

"We…don't know," he said slowly, his voice filled with worry. "Once Dumbledore came after you two, the Death Eaters left. We haven't seen Lily since then."

"Haven't you tried looking for her? She could be hurt! She could be in danger!" James yelled, shoving Peter off him and struggling to his feet. The moment his right leg touched the ground and he put his weight on it, he felt a flash of pain and he collapsed to the ground.

"You dolt! Pomfrey hasn't had time to heal you yet! Get back in bed!" Remus said angrily, grabbing him by the arms and pulling him up.

"That hurt," James said in a dazed voice, and he heard a girl begin laughing. They all turned to see Alice grinning at them, her left eye black and bruised, and her robes torn.

"I know where Lily is!" she exclaimed. Mary groaned in her sleep from the cot next to James, and Alice looked at her with a funny expression before turning back to the four of them. "But we can't see her. Dumbledore told me that he had to explain something to us first."

"Is she hurt? Will she be alright?" James asked, leaning forward. Alice sighed.

"He wouldn't tell me," she said sadly before smiling, "But I do know that we can see her in a few hours!" There was a long pause after her announcement. It seemed everyone had just realized how lucky they were to be alive.

"So, does anyone know what happened?" Sirius asked. It was obvious that he was wondering about the attack. Alice shrugged, but from behind her Frank gave a curt nod.

"Apparently, Snape told Lily not to go to Hogsmeade. He told her something was going to happen."

"What! That snake knew there would be an attack?" Remus demanded, his eyes glinting yellow. James gave Sirius a look, and the two of them grabbed their friend by the shoulders. The glint faded away, but not his anger. "People could have died!"

"Yes, well, once Lily heard what Snape had to say, she went to Dumbledore." Frank looked at Alice questioningly. "He ran into the Three Broomsticks and told you something right?" Alice nodded slowly.

"He told me to gather older students who could fight. He needed time to get the younger students back to the castle," Alice explained, and Frank shrugged.

"At that moment, almost ten Death Eaters burst into the Three Broomsticks. Apparently, they knew most of the Hogwarts students would be in there. We managed to hold them off for a while, but then McGonagall and Flitwick showed up, and most of them just disappeared."

"By then, Dumbledore was gone. He said something about going after stupid Gryffindors, so we thought he meant you and Sirius," Alice continued, shaking her head sadly.

"But it wasn't you two. We found Sirius helping a bunch of third years who seemed terrified," Sirius blushed red, unable to accept others had seen him show kindness, "and McGonagall told us that Dumbledore was worried about what Lily would do," Frank said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Why would he worry?" Peter asked, his brow furrowed in confusion. James looked at Alice and Frank carefully, and he realized exactly why Dumbledore went after Lily.

"He told her to stay behind, hadn't he?" James said in a resigned voice. Alice nodded and Sirius groaned.

"You think she wanted revenge for her parents?" Mary had woken up and she was staring at the others with wide eyes, her question ringing in all their ears. It was James who answered.

"No. Lily's not like that. She only wanted to help. I'm sure of it." No one answered him, because no one wanted to contemplate what it meant to go after revenge—that Lily had every intention of causing harm.

"Mr. Potter is absolutely correct." James and the others all swiveled their necks so quickly that seven simultaneous cricks were heard. Dumbledore smiled softly before his expression grew sad. "I do not think that Miss Evans had any intention of killing Death Eaters. Her main concern was of her friends' safety." James let out a sigh of relief, and he realized that even he had doubted her for a moment. He instantly felt plagued by guilt. "However, there have been a few unforeseeable consequences for Miss Evans."

"What d'you mean? What happened?" Alice and Mary asked together, looking at the Headmaster with worry.

"Mr. Potter, did you hear the incantation for the curse sent at Miss Evans?" James shook his head, wondering what Dumbledore was even talking about. Dumbledore gave him a look, one that felt like he was seeing straight into James's soul, before he nodded gently. "Have you ever heard of the muggle scientist, Isaac Newton?" Everyone but Mary shook their heads. Dumbledore looked at Mary expectantly. "Could you tell me his Third Law of Motion?" he asked. Mary frowned but nodded.

"Basically it's that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

"Precisely. It means that there is no such thing as a force that acts only in one direction. Now, this principle applies to magic as well."

"Are you saying that every time we cast a spell, there's some sort of effect on us as well?" Remus asked incredulously. Dumbledore beamed, possibly because someone had grasped the concept so quickly.

"Exactly! It isn't a detrimental effect normally. For example, it can merely be a backlash, like when firing a muggle firearm. However, sometimes it can have other effects," Dumbledore looked straight at James as he spoke, and somehow James felt he was responsible for whatever happened to Lily.

"So what happened to Lily?" Mary asked timidly, her voice raspy. James wondered if it was because she understood what was going on better than the rest of them. Even Remus, who had quickly understood Dumbledore's explanation, seemed confused, if a little pale.

"The curse that was fired at Miss Evans is incredibly Dark magic. She is lucky that she did not die—"

"She could have died?" James exclaimed, once again forgetting his hurt leg. "I need to see her, Professor, please," James tried to stand but he fell to the floor once more.

"Mr. Potter, your concern for Miss Evans is admirable, however you must allow me to finish. As you all know, magic is directly correlated with our emotions. Depending on the spell, it can be strengthened or weakened based on what you're feeling. It seems Miss Evans was feeling an incredibly powerful…positive…emotion when hit by the Death Eater's curse, and instead of killing her it was rebounded."

"So what does that have to do with Newton's Third Law?" Alice asked, her eyes wide.

"Well, as Miss MacDonald said, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The spell rebounded off of her, but at the same time, that same magic that protected her, attacked her," Dumbledore paused and looked directly at James once more. Again, he felt that feeling of everything being his fault. "Miss Evans's mind threw up defenses when her magic turned on itself. The barriers are quite strong, almost impenetrable, and it is blocking almost a year's worth of memories."

"No…that's impossible…" Remus said quietly, collapsing into the chair next to James's bed. They could all hear Madame Pomfrey bustling about in her office, but none of them paid her any mind. They were all staring at Dumbledore in shock.

"Miss Evans thinks that it is the beginning of fifth year. Any and all memories from that point on have been blocked by her mind's own defenses."

"Is there any way to fix it? Make her break the walls around her memories?" Mary asked quietly, and Dumbledore's blue eyes lost their normal sparkle.

"I'm afraid that she must lower her defenses on her own. Any attempt on breaking those defenses would make it worse."

James closed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair. Oddly enough his thoughts weren't on how he had lost any sort of relationship he had with Lily. Sure, she wouldn't remember that he had changed. She wouldn't recall that he was her friend now. No, his thoughts were on how heartbroken she'd be when she lost her parents all over again. The pain she'd feel when she found out that Snape was on his way to becoming a Death Eater. And he thought of what he and the others had to do, why Dumbledore seemed to be apologizing to each of them as he gazed into their eyes.

"We have to pretend that the last year didn't happen, don't we?" James said aloud, ignoring Alice's gasp and Sirius's curse. Dumbledore nodded sadly.

"Knowing the truth would send her in shock and possibly make her condition worse. You must act as you would if it was the beginning of fifth year. I have explained her condition to her, and I have told her that she's missing one year worth of memories, but I told her nothing else. And it must remain that way. She must remember everything on her own." He looked at them once more before he left, muttering something about adding defenses to Hogsmeade.

None of them spoke, it seemed as if Dumbledore had sent them all into shock, and they still hadn't figured out what they needed to do. Finally, it was Mary who broke the silence.

"James…?" she said softly, but James ignored her. He turned his back to them all, determined not to speak.

"James?" Sirius put a hand on his shoulder but James shrugged him off.

"Did you hear what Dumbledore said? He said that she felt a strong _positive_ emotion before she was hit by the curse. You do realize what that means, right?" Alice asked him, forcing him to look at her. James stared into her blue eyes and he shook his head. "She must have admitted her feelings to herself. She does care for you!"

"That's wonderful. Except for now, she doesn't even remember that we're friends," James snapped.

"It's temporary," Mary said bracingly, and James shook his head.

"You don't get it, do you? Who cares about me and my feelings? Do you realize how horrible it's going to be for Lily as she remembers everything that happened last year? Do you remember how terrible it was for her? Do you honestly think anyone would want to relive that?" James glared at them all before throwing himself into his pillow and closing his eyes. "I'd rather her never remember what happened if it means that she won't feel all that pain again, even if I'll lose her." He could feel all their eyes on him, but he didn't care. He ignored it, just as he was ignoring the thought that it was all his fault after all.

XXX

"James? Will you be all right?" Remus asked quietly, looking down at him. James shrugged.

"It's not that big of a deal. So she'll be spending some time in the hospital wing, it's not like I'll confess my undying love the moment I see her."

"Yes, but I'm afraid you might…well, kiss her?" he stated his comment as a question, and that just made James angry.

"Why in the world would I kiss her?" James demanded, and Remus blushed. "Look. I'll be fine. Just…stop doubting me, okay?" Remus nodded as the doors to the hospital wing opened and Mary and Alice stumbled in, a very giggly Lily Evans between them.

"We should do that again!" Lily cried, and Mary rolled her eyes.

"No. We are _not_ carrying you up the stairs again. Once was enough for me."

"You could have just used your wands, silly. I mean, you are witches for goodness' sake!" Lily cried before bursting into giggles once more. Remus winced.

"I don't remember her being so…giggly before, but Dumbledore says that it's just because we've become used to a very subdued Lily. He says that this is a Lily Evans who never experienced loss or pain," Remus explained softly, his eyes on Lily. James nodded, but he said nothing, not quite trusting his voice.

"Remus! How are you?" Lily cried and she shrugged off Mary and Alice choosing to rush over to Remus and hug him tightly.

"How's your side, Lily?" Remus asked, and Lily just laughed.

"I don't know. It's odd that I got a wound but can't even remember how, right?" James saw something flash in her eyes as she said that—regret perhaps?—but before he could be sure of it, it was gone. "Potter," she said when she noticed him, her voice losing any of her former happiness. It was obvious why; she still had that hatred of his father, that anger that a man who claimed to protect muggles and muggle-borns could be so hypocritical. James tried to think what he would do last year—possibly a smirk or a grin—but he found himself just giving her a small smile. He couldn't do it. He couldn't be rude and mean to her, not when all he wanted was for her to be happy…

"Evans," he whispered before turning around and closing his eyes.

"Is he alright?" he heard Lily ask Remus in a whisper. James could almost imagine the glare Remus was sending his way.

"I'm sure he's fine. He's just upset."

"Really? Why?" James tried to ignore that there was no real worry in her tone, just mild curiosity.

"He…he's suffering from a heartbreak, that's all," Remus sighed, and James buried his head into his pillow, frustrated that he was acting like such a…well, like such a girl.

But how could he help it? In the past year, since that day he made the stupid bet with Sirius, he'd been fascinated by Lily Evans. She made him want to _be_ better, not just act better. Every conversation, interaction, the two kisses he'd managed to steal…he missed being her friend. He missed being able to ask her what was wrong without seeing her narrow her eyes in suspicion.

It wasn't fair that this was would happen now of all times. It would have hurt less to think that she still hated him, but there was a chance—even if he didn't exactly buy it—that Lily's opinion of him had changed dramatically. That maybe she cared for him the way he cared for her. James felt embarrassed to feel a tingling behind his eyes. Merlin, he was crying.

"A heartbreak? I didn't realize Potter could feel that way," Lily said in amazement, and James rolled his eyes. Of course. He'd forgotten their spats, their arguments, their inability to stay in the same room for any amount of time. He closed his eyes wearily, hoping that at least his dreams would be filled of _his_ Lily. The one that stood up to Snape for him, the one that had knocked sense into him and pulled him out of his funk when he was mad at Sirius.

Was it selfish of him to wish that they could force her memories back? Because in all honesty, James worried that he wouldn't be able to act well enough.

"James…James isn't exactly what you think, Lily. You'd be surprised by who he really is," Remus said in an undertone that didn't fail to reach James's ears. James chuckled to himself and turned to look at Remus with a small smile.

"Moony, you flatter me," he laughed, and Remus gave him an imperceptible nod. Lily gave them both suspicious looks before getting into the bed that had formerly been Mary's without saying another word, her previous giggles a thing from the past.

XXX

The only reason she allowed herself to stare was because she was sure he was asleep. Otherwise, she'd be reading, trying to remember everything she had been taught in her fifth year—a year she didn't even recall. But James Potter had fallen asleep, and so she was staring at his face, wondering why her heart fluttered as she watched him.

His hair was a mess as always, and his glasses were askew (he must have forgotten to take them off). James's chest rose and fell evenly, and for a moment Lily thought he looked innocent. She smiled slightly before turning away and staring at the ceiling.

Such a _strange_ feeling she had for him. It was as if he was something she should know, something very important, but just couldn't place her finger on. Lily knew she had lost an entire year's worth of memories. If she probed in just the right way, she could almost feel the walls before being shocked by a shot of pain in her head. She was bothered by the walls around her memories, but she was afraid of pushing too hard.

What if she found something she didn't want to see?

XXX

"And then he," Sirius stopped to control his laughter, "he, ha-ha, threw up all of the fake Chocolate Frogs!" James and Remus looked at Sirius with the same pitying expression while Peter laughed and clapped.

"Sirius, you're disgusting," Remus muttered, jumping over the trick step on the staircase. Peter laughed again.

"That's why it's funny!"

"Only you would find Sirius funny, Peter," James said as he rolled his eyes. His statement wasn't exactly true; he found Sirius to be immensely funny, but James was afraid that if he admitted that, it would go straight to his head.

"Can we not go to DADA? I mean, it's not as if we're learning anything useful," Sirius said suddenly, his laughter and good mood dying out. Remus stopped and gave Sirius an incredulous look.

"We're learning how to cast spells silently! How is that _not_ useful?" he demanded, and James chuckled.

"Sirius, just c'mon, you're going to give poor Moony here a heart attack." Peter and Sirius laughed, but Remus rolled his eyes.

"The three of you deserve to fail. I don't see how all three of you managed an OWL in DADA."

"It's because we're amazing, Moony," Peter said as if it was obvious. The comment made the three of them laugh once more as they entered the new DADA professor's classroom.

He was an old auror, one that had retired nearly two decades ago, and he could barely walk. However, despite his age, he was powerful—and knowledgeable. James rather liked Professor Appleton, even if no one else did.

Of course, because of his mind's ramblings, James didn't notice right away that Lily was sitting at the table he and Sirius usually sat at together. It took a nudge into the side from Sirius to see her, and a poorly concealed warning from Remus so that he'd stop staring at her so avidly. Tentatively he sat down next to her, edging his chair away from her, suddenly feeling very ill. She, well, scared him.

"Potter," she greeted with a slight nod. James blinked, quickly trying to think how he'd respond if it was the beginning of last year, but he was drawing a blank, so he just gave her a small—and creepy—smile.

"Evans," he muttered, turning his head away from her and giving Remus and Sirius desperate looks. His friends—the traitors they are—just grinned and shook their heads as if to say, 'Sorry, mate, you're on your own!'

"So before class starts, I wanted to ask you a question," Lily suddenly said, leaning towards him. James leaned back, wondering if she'd laugh once he fell out of his chair.

"Okay. Ask away!" James nearly squeaked, not looking into her eyes. That would make things worse. He'd forget that he had to pretend to be someone else. He'd probably kiss her for goodness' sake.

"Right. So I had a dream the other night. A very interesting dream that involved you."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. In my dream, I kissed you in the middle of the Great Hall." James felt his blood go cold and butterflies erupt in his stomach. Looking at her wasn't an option; he couldn't see her face, he'd do something stupid. "Mary's a terrible liar. Her voice tends to get really high and she immediately talks about something else, and so when I asked her about it and her pitch changed as she talked about Dumbledore's new haircut, I realized it must have been more than a dream. So did I really do that?" James coughed to clear his throat, frantically trying to think of a way to get out of the situation.

"Well…"

"Don't lie to me, James. I must have done it. Why? Why did I kiss you?" she asked, her voice softer. James closed his eyes, hating that she had such a effect on him. He knew he was going to give in to her before she had even spoken.

"It's complicated. I had made a stupid deal with you, but even though you could have gotten out of it, you went through with it."

"So…we're not…you know?" she asked, and James groaned. How he wished that he could lie! He should have said they were dating! That they were madly in love! That she kissed him because she couldn't imagine kissing any other bloke…James groaned again and pulled himself out of his fantasies.

"No, we're not." He looked at her, hating to see the relieved look on her face. "But Lily, I don't know how well the professors explained this to you, but you can't try to figure things out."

"What d'you mean?" she asked cautiously, her eyes narrowing.

"You can't force the wall down. As I understand it, you need to lower your own defenses," he explained, finally staring into her green eyes. He gave her a sad smile.

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know. I think, in the end, you have to _want_ the wall to go down," James shrugged as he pulled out his textbook and notes for class. Lily frowned at him.

"You think I want to stay like this? To not remember a whole year of my life?" she demanded, her eyes filled with an angry fire. James let out a mirthless snort.

"All I know is that if it were me, I wouldn't want to remember. But you're right. What do I know anyway?" He ignored her stricken look, and began to review the admittedly meager notes he had taken from last class.

XXX

James sat up so quickly that he thought he might have dislocated his spine, if that was even possible.

"What d'you mean there's a Hogsmeade trip in a month!" he demanded, glaring at Remus, the poor soul who delivered the news. Remus shrugged and turned away from James to look at Sirius, who had just entered the dormitory.

"Dumbledore thinks that if we cancel Hogsmeade trips, it'll be a victory for Voldemort. He says we shouldn't live in fear, just realize that we must take great care from now on," he muttered, his eyes fixed on the niffler in Sirius's hands. James could see that Remus's focus had wavered, but he didn't let it go.

"People nearly died last time!" James protested, but he was arguing a lost cause. Remus wasn't even paying attention anymore.

"Why do you have a niffler?" he asked slowly, as if scared of the answer. Sirius grinned widely as he stroked the creature's fur gently.

"Professor Kettleburn had a whole bunch in a box, and he was talking about how they're pests, so I thought I'd save poor Jimmy," Sirius explained. James blinked.

"Jimmy?"

"Yeah. It's what your mum sometimes calls you, right?" Sirius laughed. The niffler twitched slightly, managed to escape Sirius's grasp, and immediately set out to destroy the dormitory.

"CATCH THAT NIFFLER!" Sirius yelled, diving after the little furry creature, only to hit the floor face first. "OW!"

"Sirius! It's destroying our things!" Remus yelled, pulling out his wand, as if hoping to stun the quick creature. Jimmy scurried across the floor, pulling several sheets from Peter's bed with it, before it dove underneath Remus's bed.

"I got you now!" James laughed, reaching under Remus's bed.

"Wait! James, Jimmy is a bite—" Sirius winced when he heard James yell out in pain. "Biter," he finished. The search for the niffler was paused as James glared at Sirius.

"IT BIT ME!" he yelled, brandishing his bloody finger for Sirius to see. Remus groaned.

"It's ok, I can heal it, just be mature about this, James," he tried to say, but James wasn't exactly listening.

"Mature? _He_ brought a niffler into our dormitory! I'll show you who's mature!" James tackled Sirius to the floor and found to his displeasure that the niffler immediately rushed to Sirius's aid.

"Bite him, Jimmy! He's hurting daddy!" Sirius yelled with a laugh, watching in glee as the niffler did exactly as he told him. James jumped up, groaning as he saw yet another finger bleeding from the stupid animal's sharp teeth.

"I'm going to kill it!" James yelled, and he dove for Jimmy, this time successful in grabbing it.

"No! Don't hurt him! Don't hurt him!" Sirius yelled. "He's my friend!" James grimaced, and he handed Jimmy to Sirius. He gave Remus a look, and the two of them turned to leave the dormitory in favor of somewhere more sane. Of course, before James left, he heard Sirius begin to speak to the niffler. "You were supposed to bite James three times, Jimmy!" James heard a snorting noise. And then: "Damn. You're so nice."

XXX

"_Please_, Prongs?" Sirius pleaded, heaping treacle tart onto James's plate, as if to bribe him into agreeing.

"No! Not while _Jimmy_ is up there!" James protested. Remus nodded his approval, but Sirius scowled.

"Are you still upset that he bit you? I mean, Moony healed it in no time. Barely any pain."

"It's not about that! That stupid niffler wounded my _pride_. My _pride_, do you understand?" James announced, banging his fist on the table. Remus chuckled, Peter continued to eat his chocolate cake, and Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Don't be so dramatic, Prongs. Just get your chess set so we can play!"

"I already said no!"

"Okay, boys, what's going on?" James and Sirius looked over at Mary who was giving them an angry glare. They must have gotten loud as they argued, James realized.

"James has a really nice chess set, but he keeps it in his trunk, and I want to play!" From across from Mary, Alice let out a giggle.

"Is it odd that I actually followed that?" she asked, and Mary nodded.

"Why don't you get it yourself?" Lily asked in confusion. Sirius scowled at James, who just grinned happily.

"About a week into first year, my mum sent me a package of my favorite sweets. I put this package in my trunk, deciding I'd share it with everyone else later. However, the next time I went up to the dormitory, I saw that _Sirius_ had opened my trunk and ate it all. So I took necessary precautions," James explained.

"Necessary precautions?" Alice repeated, and Frank laughed.

"If anyone other than James attempts to open or move his trunk, they get a very powerful shock. After the first time Sirius got shocked, he stopped trying to get into James's stuff," he told his girlfriend, who shook her head in amusement.

"Who's Jimmy?" Lily asked suddenly, causing James to scowl and Sirius to grin happily. It was quite the reversal of roles.

"Jimmy is my best mate," Sirius chuckled, which just made everyone else raise their eyebrows.

"Jimmy is a niffler that Sirius nicked from Professor Kettleburn," Remus said as he shook his head. "Jimmy is also apparently trained to bite James whenever James walks into the dormitory." To James's dismay, Lily laughed at that.

"It's not the least bit amusing. That stupid beast has made a meal of my poor fingers! I mean, I thought they liked glittery things?" James muttered, and Remus laughed.

"Perhaps it's all that stuff you use, eh, James?" he joked, and James scowled.

"We agreed to _never _talk about that!"

"Oh! You mean that lotion with glitter in it that James used all through fourth year because we told him it was a salve that would keep him calm whenever he got angry?" Peter suddenly remarked, causing everyone who heard him to burst into laughter.

"Thanks, mate, really. Wonderful time to decide to join the conversation," James said tonelessly. He looked at his friends, daring them to keep laughing, when he realized that Lily was staring at him oddly.

"Is that why you smelled like vanilla and…well…_glittered_ in the sunlight?" she asked, her head tilted to one side. James crossed his arms across his chest and shook his head a petulant child.

"Blokes don't _glitter_," he stated matter-of-factly, grinning when Frank and Remus nodded along solemnly.

"But blokes that don't bother to read the label on a bottle of lotion _do_ glitter," Sirius yelled, dodging the roll that James threw at him. "Just open the stupid trunk for me so I can get your chess set!" he begged. "I swear I won't tell anymore of your secrets!"

"You're _blackmailing_ me? Ha! As if I would ever sink so low as to give in!" James exclaimed, banging his fist on the table for a second time. Remus raised an eyebrow, but he stayed silent as Sirius smiled evilly.

"Ok. How about I tell everyone about the time you followed Lily around like a creepy little stalker in third year?" Sirius asked, his grin growing.

"First of all, I did _not_ stalk her. I merely followed her around without her knowledge or permission, and I watched her."

"James, I hate to break it to you, but that's stalking," Mary said with a laugh.

"Why the hell were you following me around?" Lily demanded, staring at James in shock.

"It's not what you think! I had overheard Mulciber and Avery talking about trying new curses out on you, and I thought I'd make sure you didn't get hurt. That's all."

"Why didn't you tell a teacher?" Lily yelled, and James blushed.

"James and I had just pulled a prank on those two idiots, and McGonagall would have thought we were just trying to get back at them for getting us detention," Sirius answered for James. Lily looked at them in surprise for a moment before she stared at Mary. They must have had their own special language that no one else knew, because after several seconds of glances and glares, Lily sighed.

"So James followed me around to protect me?" she asked, sounding more angry than happy that someone would do that for her. Peter didn't notice the tone.

"I helped!" he laughed. Remus took pity on James.

"We all did. We took turns making sure you never wandered the castle alone," he explained. "We did it for Mary for a while too, in fourth year, right?" Remus looked to James and Sirius for confirmation, but James was staring at Lily carefully, and he thought he saw a flash confusion in her eyes for a moment. But then Mary began arguing that no matter the reason, stalking someone wasn't the way to go about protecting them, that following people without their knowledge is just plain creepy, and not at all proof of caring.

James was so absorbed in Mary's argument, that he didn't even notice Lily giving him a thoughtful look before turning away quickly.

XXX

Lily opened her eyes slowly, painfully aware of the smile on her face, a smile that she was rather disgusted of.

It had been a week since Jimmy began to terrorize the sixth year boys' dormitory, and no matter what anyone did, it was impossible to get the niffler to leave James alone. Of course, this meant that James was effectively kicked out of his own dormitory, resorting to begging Remus and Peter to allow him to borrow clean clothes in the morning, and sleeping on the couch in the common room.

Her smile, though, wasn't caused by James's admittedly humorous situation, however much she wished it was. No, she was smiling because she had that same damn dream in which she kissed him in the middle of the Great Hall.

By now she had understood it to be a memory of something that had occurred last year, but what she couldn't grasp was why she only could recall this _specific_ memory.

Lily groaned and rolled over to her side, mumbling under her breath. She had wanted to write to her father earlier and tell him of her situation, but she didn't have the heart to make him worry even more. Besides, her father very clearly remembered Charlus Potter, and she definitely didn't want him to know that she had actually kissed that man's son.

That thought brought another point to mind: why she didn't hate James the way she used to. She thought it started from that very first day when she entered the hospital wing, expecting him to say something sarcastic and rude, but instead got a simple greeting. And then in DADA, he had remained calm, polite, and even seemed worried when they spoke.

She couldn't wrap her mind around it.

Could a whole year have made this much of a difference? Was it possible that James was different now?

Even though she didn't want to admit it, she knew it to be true. When Sirius had brought up James's apparent stalking in third year, James had looked embarrassed, ashamed—and she felt he had every reason to. Stalking someone, no matter the reasons, wasn't something she approved of, and the thought that James had followed her around without her knowledge made her want to squirm. It was unsettling and disturbing, even if his and the rest of the Marauders intentions had been noble.

And yet, it was something she expected James to be proud of, to brag about. Instead James had actually tried his very best to show that it wasn't something he enjoyed, as he proved when he agreed with Mary's assessment of stalking.

All in all, she was confused, and she hated that. She preferred understanding every situation, not feeling as if she was missing something incredibly important.

Sighing, Lily sat up in her bed and stared at the other three girls' sleeping forms. None of them had slipped up yet and told her anything about the year she had lost. It was infuriating to watch them make calculating responses to everything she asked, and annoying to see them nod and shake their heads at each other before talking to her. She felt as if she was losing touch with her friends, all because of some stupid wall, that according to James _bloody_ Potter, wouldn't go down till she _wanted_ it to go down.

Lily groaned again and stood up, deciding it was time for her to get some hot chocolate. Hadn't Dumbledore once told her that hot chocolate could cure anything?

She blinked. When had Dumbledore told her that?

Lily thought hard as she slipped into her slippers and pulled on her nightgown. He had told her that as they walked somewhere together…to the lake?

She walked down the steps to the common room, still deep in thought. Why had the two of them been walking down to the lake? For a second, she closed her eyes tightly, trying to think…it was because of her magic…emotions were negatively affecting it…

But what emotions could have affected her magic like that? What could have happened that caused her magic to fail her?

A letter from Petunia.

_There is no need for you to come. Nothing can change what has happened._

Lily stumbled down the last few steps and found her chest heaving with suppressed sobs. Her parents! It was her parents! She began to shake with pain as she tried to force the damn wall down to figure out what happened. However, the only thing she accomplished was an earsplitting headache.

"Lily?" a deep, worried voice asked. Lily knew she should recognize the voice, but she couldn't think, she could barely move. When she felt gentle arms wrap around her, and she smelled some familiar cologne, a part of her brain yelled for her to just give in. Tear down the wall! But fear crept in, and she shied away.

As soon as the threat to her 'defenses' disappeared, the pain in her head vanished, and Lily was able to open her eyes. James Potter was looking down at her with such worry and care that she wanted to burst into tears right then and there. Instead she looked at him in shock.

"What's wrong? What happened? Is it Kate again?" he asked hurriedly, taking her head in his hands, apparently feeling for any injuries. Lily tried to shake him off—though, admittedly, not very hard—and she shook her head.

"I'm fine. And what d'you mean 'is it Kate again?'" James looked at her for a moment before he looked stricken. It seemed he had forgotten she had lost her memories. He immediately released her head, and moved back, his eyes full of sadness.

Lily found she missed the feeling of his hands on her face.

"I'm sorry, Lily. It's nothing you need to worry about. Did you have a nightmare?" he asked, obviously trying to change the subject. Lily looked at him and she felt her heart flutter. His messy hair was sticking up in all directions, and his glasses were slightly crooked, as if he had put them on in a rush. She smiled, but shook her head.

"No…my dreams are actually quite pleasant. I—" she briefly debated if she should tell him about her recent probing. "I remember something terrible happened to my parents, but I can't remember what or when or even why!" she cried out, surprised when James rushed over and pulled her into a hug.

She was not used to this wonderful version of James, but she found she didn't mind him very much.

"How about we go get some ice cream, and I'll…I'll explain what happened to your parents." He must have seen her hopeful look because he shook his head. "Just what happened to your parents, Lily," he said softly. He stood and held his hand out to her. "Just wait a second. I need to get the Map."

"The Map?" A brief image of Remus and Sirius showing her a piece of parchment came to mind, but it just left her more confused.

"The Marauder's Map. The four of us made it last year, and it's dead useful for sneaking out at night," James explained as he dug through his bag. He looked up at her and smiled. "Look. _I solemnly swear I am up to no good_," he muttered, tapping his wand against a piece of parchment he had pulled out of his school bag. Suddenly words appeared on the Map, and Lily was reminded of another piece of parchment very similar to this one…except that it told her jokes.

She wondered where she could have seen such a parchment.

"You can see anyone?"

"Yep. Anyone, anywhere, anytime. It's wonderful right?" James asked, a dreamy look appearing on his face. "It was my idea, but the credit for the work has to go to Remus, Sirius, and Peter," he laughed, shaking his head slightly as his eyes grazed over the Map. "Anyway, the way to the kitchens seems clear, so let's go!"

"Just like that?" Lily asked incredulously. James grinned at her.

"Ah. You're a rule-breaking virgin, aren't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You've never broken school rules, have you?" James asked, and though he was grinning, it wasn't the condescending grin—or smirk—that she remembered. It was a genuine look, like he was truly amused.

"I've broken plenty of rules!" Lily said stubbornly. She waited for him to raise an eyebrow and then make a annoyingly clever but rude comment about rule-breaking virgins that lie, but James just smiled.

"Okay. Let's go!" He grabbed her arm and pulled her through the portrait hole. They didn't linger too long by the Fat Lady, but it was long enough for her to shake her head with mock disappointment.

"I see you've dragged yet another into your nighttime wanderings," she told James. Lily watched in amusement as he winked at the Fat Lady before grabbing Lily's hand again and walking quickly down the corridor.

They didn't talk as they made their way down to the kitchens. In one hand, James held his wand and the Map, occasionally glancing at the latter to make sure there were no other nighttime wanderers, and in the other, he held on tightly to Lily.

He didn't once look at her, and she didn't pull away, oddly comforted by his contact. Besides, his preoccupation with their surroundings gave her an opportunity to see James in a way she hadn't seen him before—completely and totally happy.

His brown eyes were bright, and they had lost all signs of being asleep just minutes before. There was a bounce in his step, and something about the way he held himself…a proud stance, as if he was sure of who he was and what he was capable of.

It was fascinating to see, and her mind—for just a moment—was completely devoid of all thoughts about her parents.

In all honesty, Lily was disappointed to see the portrait of fruit that signaled they had reached the kitchens. She watched James tickle the pear, and she smiled softly when several of the house-elves gave him hugs.

After several minutes of just talking to the elves, they found themselves sitting across from one another, Lily holding her mug of hot chocolate, and James already digging into his ice cream.

"Hot chocolate is usually better when it's hot. Otherwise it's just chocolate," James said after a moment, and Lily noticed she had been absentmindedly tracing the rim of her mug with her fingers. She blushed and took a sip, finding herself agreeing with Dumbledore; hot chocolate did make things seem better.

"The night before I first came to Hogwarts, I was really scared. My dad stayed up with me all night, and we drank hot chocolate and talked." James gave her a sympathetic look, and Lily knew in that moment that her parents were gone. She sighed and closed her eyes. "I didn't know it then, but my mum stayed awake all night as well. She was listening to us from the other room. I didn't find out about that until after her accident with—" Lily abruptly stopped, looking at James in shock. She had nearly said too much! To her surprise, however, James just ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.

"With Charlus Potter," he finished for her. For a moment they were both silent before Lily drew the courage to speak.

"You've known all this time?" she whispered, feeling slightly betrayed.

"Actually no. I found out last year after you yelled at me in the library." He paused, and Lily had a flash of her staring furiously at James and yelling about arrogance. "You and I both found out the entire truth over the summer…" he trailed off, as if remembering he wasn't supposed to say anything. Lily was surprised by the look on James's face. He looked so…sad. "I don't think you realize just how much has happened. Good and bad," he whispered.

"My parents are dead?" Lily asked him, just wanting clarification. James didn't look at her as he nodded. "Petunia married the whale?" she continued, thinking that if she kept going, the pain would somewhat lessen.

"I know that they were engaged. I don't know about a wedding." _Mum and dad are gone._

"Can you tell me anything about our relationship? I don't hate you anymore, right?" Lily asked, and she felt her heart beat a little harder. _Don't think about mum and dad. Don't. Just don't._

"What d'you want me to tell you, Lily?" James suddenly snapped. Her eyes widened suddenly as she stared into his intense gaze. "You always pretend everything's okay, and I'm tired of it! You did this last time as well! You internalize everything! Stop trying to pretend that you're so strong, Lily. In the end, you're only hurting yourself."

Lily found herself speechless.

Since when did James know her so well? Since when did his gaze cause her to feel better rather than worse? Since when did he tell her something that was for her, and only her, benefit?

She stood up suddenly, and James looked shocked.

"Oh, Merlin, I'm sorry, Lily! I didn't mean to hurt your—" but he paused when she walked around the table and sat next to him. Lily buried her head in his chest and she let out her tears, the ones she had suppressed since going down to the common room. After James seemingly got over his shock, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly, and Lily felt marginally better.

And she found she didn't mind that it was all because of James.

"How much worse does it get, James?" she asked him through her tears. James seemed to stiffen slightly, but his hold on her didn't slacken. He stroked her hair as he spoke.

"You and Kate will argue. You will feel as if everyone will turn on muggleborns. I act like a complete arse towards you. You'll tell Snape that it's over between the two of you. And you'll have to endure a talk with my father," he whispered in her ear. Lily tried to stifle her tears, but his words made her feel worse as flashes of each event appeared in her mind. She couldn't stand not knowing what had happened.

"That bad, huh?" she asked, trying to make a joke out of it. James stopped stroking her hair for a moment before he shook his head.

"But there're good things too! You'll help the Marauders realize they're brothers through thick and thin, you'll watch Alice and Frank get closer, you'll sit through a ridiculous play and realize you have tons of people who care for you. You'll knock some sense into me, show the world who's boss by taking charge, and you'll see that your professors have a great deal of respect for you," he told her in a bright voice. Lily found her eyes drooping slightly, but she felt as if there was one question James just had to answer.

"What was the worst and best thing that happened to you last year, James?" she asked drowsily—crying your heart out was tiring! James chuckled slightly.

"The worst thing was thinking that I was one of those hypocrites—those purebloods that gave up the fight because it was getting a bit hard. Basically, thinking that I was a terrible person because I wasn't doing enough against Voldemort."

"And the best?"

"The best was definitely when you and I became friends." Lily would have responded, but she didn't know what to say. So instead, she allowed her eyes to close, and she breathed in James's scent, wondering if he realized how much she hoped they could just stay like this all night.

XXX

It was disconcerting to wake up somewhere and not know how you got there.

Lily rubbed her eyes just to make sure she wasn't seeing things, but she realized that she was indeed laying on the couch in the Gryffindor common room, a blanket that smelled strongly of James's cologne wrapped around her.

Her last memory of last night was crying into James's shirt in the kitchens, and her eyes widened in fear for a moment. What if James had drugged her asleep? What if he had done something to her?

Immediately, she kicked off the blanket, only stopping her mad behavior when she heard a soft snore from somewhere near her. Her eyes widened and she leaned over the couch. There, on the ground, using his arm as a pillow, was James. He was fast asleep, and there was a look of peace on his face that made Lily feel ashamed. James would have never done anything to her, she reminded herself sternly. He had been nothing but kind and respectful, and yet she had to go and doubt him in this way.

"James?" she whispered, touching his arm gently. James shot up and their heads smacked into each other. "OW!" Lily yelled, rubbing her forehead.

"Merlin!" James cried, holding onto his nose. "Are you all right, Lily?" he muttered, looking at her in concern, though she could see some resentment in his eyes.

"Yes, I'm fine. You?"

"I think my nose is broken," he muttered, still holding it between his hands. Lily rolled her eyes, but she leaned forward and forced him to move his hands.

"It's definitely red and swollen. Perhaps you want to go to Madame Pomfrey?" she giggled, and James scowled.

"Normally, when a bloke spends half an hour trying to levitate a sleeping witch back to Gryffindor tower without getting caught, and gives up his bed for her, he gets a hug or if he's _really_ lucky, a kiss on the cheek. What do I get? A bloody broken nose," he said under his breath as he stood. "And now I get to visit Pomfrey. Wonderful."

"How about I go with you?" she asked him, giving him a small grin. James shrugged, and the two of them left the common room, heading towards what James had dubbed, 'Moste Evile Place.' After about five minutes of walking, Lily grabbed his arm and stopped him. "Thank you, by the way," she blushed deeply, "for last night." James just have her a sheepish smile before they entered the hospital wing.

"Mr. Potter! Can't you go one week without hurting yourself?" Pomfrey demanded, forcing him to sit down on one of the beds. Lily stood next to him and patted his back reassuringly as Pomfrey put his nose back into place. After a few seconds of watching James wiggle his nose, Lily began to giggle, and she found she couldn't stop.

"What? What's so funny? Does it look weird?" James asked, his voice raising in pitch and laced with worry. Lily laughed again before she shook her head.

"No, it's just that…I've never broken someone's nose before! I'm no longer a nose-breaking virgin!" James and Pomfrey both gave her odd looks, but before long James was laughing along with her. Madame Pomfrey just shook her head.

"Merlin, they just get stranger every year," she muttered loudly to herself before walking back into her office.

Lily and James just kept laughing.

**Right, so I'd just like to thank In Love With Prongs for her awesome editing! Also, to reply to one of the reviewers, Covered in Bruises: I don't think you intended that comment to be funny, but I laughed for a good bit once I read it. Lily can be rather annoying at times, can't she? **

**By the way, I was wondering if anyone could recommend a really good H/Hr story…preferably completed and definitely NOT harem. Thanks! **

**Anyway, thanks for reading!**


	16. To Fight for What's Right

Chapter Sixteen- To Fight for What's Right

"So I was thinking I'd ask Lily to Hogsmeade," James said as he sat down next to Remus. The brown haired boy said nothing, utterly content with his Transfiguration book. "Did you hear me, Remus?" James asked. Remus desperately wanted to ignore James, but he knew that ignoring the idiot would only make him want to talk more.

"Have you noticed that most of our conversations are about Lily?" Remus asked, looking up. James wore a surprised look on his face. "I left breakfast early because I didn't want to listen to you talk about how Lily broke your nose this morning. And now you follow me to class to harass me?"

"Well…Sirius told me to bugger off. And Peter said to leave him alone—Peter's much more polite than Sirius. Anyway, I've got no one else but you!"

"Go bother Frank. He has a girlfriend and is almost as sappy as you are," Remus said, flipping the page of his book and reading on. McGonagall had assigned a very interesting essay about the possibility of permanent Transfiguration, and he wanted to talk to her about it. James leaned towards him and looked at the book.

"That's all rubbish and you know it," James said flippantly. "There can be no permanent Transfiguration because that would constantly feed off your magic. You'd have to be around whatever you Transfigured forever for it to work."

"Yes, so if you Transfigured your robes into something nicer, you'd be wearing them! You'd be around it all the time," Remus argued. James rolled his eyes almost condescendingly.

"My dear Moony, think about the drain on your magic. It's not like you're so powerful that you could power that Transfigured robes and go about your day-to-day activities. You'd be too tired." Remus stared at James stubbornly before he felt his shoulders droop.

"Dumbledore could do it. He's powerful enough," Remus said, almost like a petulant little child. James flashed him a grin.

"Yeah, but that's Dumbledore. He can do anything." James paused and cocked his head to one side. "Okay, so back to me. Should I ask her to Hogsmeade?" Remus shut his book and leaned back in his chair. He loved getting to class early in the mornings—it meant getting the best seats, and it also meant he was left alone. Usually.

"No. She'll just reject you and then you'll go into one of your moods. Don't ask her," Remus said, giving James a, don't-you-give-me-that-look, look. James winced but seemed undeterred.

"But she seemed so happy with me last night and this morning," James complained. Remus frowned at him, slightly raising his eyebrow. James immediately held up his hands. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Moony," he said, though he had a grin on his face.

"_You_ get your mind out of the gutter. I'm just surprised you think she enjoyed crying all night because she knows her parents are dead and she had the worst year ever."

"Yes, but she seemed happy enough this morning." James rubbed his nose absentmindedly.

"James. Don't read too much into it. You'll just be setting yourself up for disappointment when she says no," Remus said tiredly. He'd been through this with James many times, but the git just didn't want to listen.

"So what do I do? Help me!" he cried, grabbing Remus by his robes.

"Don't worry, Prongs, you'll be at Hogsmeade with dear Lily," a new voice laughed. Remus groaned and put his head down on the table. Of course Sirius would end up coming to class early; James was here.

"What d'you mean?" James asked excitedly, and Remus repressed the urge to groan again. Sirius's ideas were complete rubbish, and the fact that James was willing to go along with any and all of them made Remus wish for a moment that the two of them would grow a brain.

"First, you have to promise to keep the long rants about Lily to a minimum. Okay?" Remus looked up at the condition. That was a good idea…

"What kind of minimum?" James asked cautiously.

"You can talk about her for five minutes with us. But that's it. If you spend more than five minutes, we get to hit you with a Stinging Jinx. Get it?" Sirius took advantage of James's momentary distraction to wink at Remus, and he suddenly understood. This wasn't about being annoyed with how much James talked about Lily. This was about getting the chance to jinx James without worrying about him retaliating.

Remus couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"Okay, deal! How do I get her to go to Hogsmeade with me?" James asked happily. Sirius took his time to put his bag down at the desk in front of them. He pulled the chair out slowly, then sat down, with the back of the chair pressed against his chest, and his legs stretched out in front of him. "Sirius!"

"Okay, okay! Look. You allow Lily to go to Hogsmeade alone—"

"But that defeats the purpose of going with her!" James cried. Remus and Sirius looked at James in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" Remus asked slowly, though he thought he knew where it was going.

"Dumbledore might think that allowing the students back into Hogsmeade one month after a Death Eater attack is a good idea, but I'm not letting Lily wander around by herself. There's no chance in hell I'm going to let her get hurt again," James said harshly. Remus and Sirius glanced at each other before saying anything.

"Just tell her you want to go with her to Hogsmeade to protect her and I'm sure she'll say yes!" Sirius joked, obviously trying to insert a lighter atmosphere and failing miserably. James, quite intelligently, just ignored Sirius and looked at Remus, as if waiting for something.

"While it's…admirable that you care so much for Lily's safety, I think you should keep that desire to protect her to yourself."

"You think it's wrong?" James asked incredulously. Remus sighed and shook his head slowly.

"No! James, it's good that you care for her. It proves that your feelings for her are deep. However, Lily is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She's not going appreciate you acting like a guard dog. Besides, last time you were with her and she still got hurt!" James's eyes flashed angrily.

"Are you saying that it was my fault?" he asked in a dangerously low voice. Remus slammed his hand down on the table in agitation, and action that seemed to snap James out of his anger.

"I'm saying that you need to prove that you love her! Stop dancing around each other and flat out tell her how you feel!" James's eyes widened momentarily before he just shook his head.

"It's not as easy as you think! What if she just laughs?" James asked, his head drooping in defeat. Remus opened his mouth to yell at James, to tell him to stop being such a bloody coward and to just admit how he felt, but Sirius put a hand on his arm, stopping him.

"Look, mate, we get it. It can't be easy to just tell her. If you really want to spend Hogsmeade with her, you can choose one of two options. You could tell her exactly how you feel and beg her to go on one date, or you could let her go alone and just 'randomly' see her in Hogsmeade, strike up a conversation and refuse to leave her side throughout the day." Sirius smiled smugly, as if he had succeeded in whatever plan he had.

"You want me to either tell her everything or stalk her then force my company on her? Both sound disagreeable," James said quietly, and Remus groaned. Sirius was just nodding on excitedly. "I think I'll go for the second option, if you don't mind," James finally said. Sirius's happy look turned sour very quickly. His eyes narrowed and he pulled out his wand.

"It's for your own good, you know," he said softly before flicking his wand in the air, causing James to yelp in pain.

"Hey! What was that for?" he yelled. Sirius just laughed.

"The deal, James. The deal."

Remus put his head down, realizing it was one of _those_ days.

XXX

His fists were clenched tight as he walked, his shoes clanking on the stone floor rather loudly. Portraits told him off for the noise, but he ignored them, instead making sure he had a tight grip on his wand.

He didn't even know where he was walking, or stomping, off to. All he knew was that he needed to get away, to find something or someone that he could unload all his troubles on. Normally, his first choice would have been James, but he was still in the hospital wing, unconscious. Remus was being forced to bear the full moon alone tomorrow night, so it would be unfair to add more stress to him, and Peter…well, Peter just didn't understand.

_Lily_.

She had left the hospital only half an hour ago. Perhaps she'd still be in the common room? Maybe she went down to the kitchens…?

Just as Sirius pondered on where he could find the Gryffindor prefect, he felt something very soft take his hand. He was shocked for only a moment to see that Lily had found him, and that she had been crying.

"Lily, I—"

"_He looks like he could be dead!_" she said in a harsh whisper before burying her face in his chest and hugging him. He felt awkward and uncomfortable, and he managed a few pats on Lily's head before he sighed and hugged her back. He felt something shaking, and he found in surprise that it was him.

Two months since the second Hogsmeade trip that James dubbed a success.

Two months since Lily openly called James her best friend (After Mary and Alice, of course, she had said when the two girls gave her hurt looks).

Two months of relative normalcy—no attacks, no pain, no suffering.

Two months of forgetting that future Death Eaters resided in Hogwarts, and that Voldemort was waiting for them outside of Hogwarts.

The start of December had brought something other than snow with it; it had brought realization. Realization that they could never have any kind of normalcy, at least not while Voldemort plagued their world.

"He's not dead, Lily," Sirius murmured softly, not overly glad of the tears on his robes, but not completely repulsed by it either. Lily didn't move, she didn't loosen her hold on him, and she certainly didn't look up.

"He's so pale, and—and did you see all that blood?" she whispered, her voice muffled as she talked through his chest. Sirius felt his desire to unload vanish completely. Lily was distraught as it was, it wouldn't do for him to add to it. He'd let it go for now…perhaps speak to her once James woke up.

"I don't know what to say, Lily," Sirius said quietly, gently pushing her away so that he could look into her eyes. All he saw was anguish.

"How could this have happened? He hadn't even done anything!" she cried, furiously wiping at her eyes. Her pain and sadness was being replaced by righteous fury. Sirius said nothing, perhaps for the first time realizing that he was lucky he was considered Lily Evans's friend—he would never want that anger directed towards him.

"He's going to be fine. It'll just take a while for him to wake up, that's all," Sirius said, trying to be comforting, but he sounded hollow to his own ears. Lily snorted.

"Yes, I heard Pomfrey too. 'He's absolutely fine, but the curse took a toll on his magic. He should wake in a week or two.' All of that's bollocks." Lily's eyes had a distinct edge to them, and Sirius suddenly wondered if _she_ had needed _him_ to unload on. "First my parents, then Severus, and now James. I will _not_ allow the Death Eaters to get away with this," she said furiously. Sirius sighed.

"You heard Dumbledore, there's just not enough proof to get them expelled. Besides, the school governor's are in Malfoy's pocket. Even if Dumbledore managed to get something on Avery and the others, it's not like anything would happen to them." He was being logical, it was honest, yet Lily's eyes narrowed and she glared at him.

"You can't say you aren't angry too. Regulus—"

"I know what Regulus is, Lily! You don't need to lecture me!" Sirius shouted, his turn to glare. Oddly enough, Lily just shook her head.

"I don't care if there's no proof. You and I both know who hurt James."

"And what do we do, huh? Attack them? Hurt them? Perhaps kill them? Are we going to stoop to their level?" Lily looked shocked for a moment, and her eyes lost their fiery glow. When she stepped forward to embrace him, Sirius held her tightly, realizing that for that moment, Lily was his anchor. She wanted justice, _he _had wanted revenge. He wondered if she could understand that his questions weren't directed at her, but at himself. He wondered if he could justify himself in doing what he so desperately wanted—hurting those who hurt his brother in all but blood.

"You're the better man, Sirius," Lily whispered after several moments of silence, and he got his answer. Lily was right; it was wrong that James's attackers would get away with hurting him, but there was nothing he could do. He had to keep a cool head and realize when it was time to fight, and when it was time to be patient.

After all, Lily was right. Compared to those future Death Eaters, those followers of Voldemort, he _was_ the better man. Sirius closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

_He was the better man_.

XXX

The mood of the Gryffindors could best be described as dull by outsiders. They never seemed to be laughing, they spent much of their time taking turns visiting the hospital as if standing guard over something, and the three remaining Marauders hadn't played a single prank in weeks.

They _were_ dull.

Of course, Lily knew better. She realized that most of the school was overjoyed that Gryffindor had lost their first Quidditch match since their Captain was out of commission, yet she also knew that no one realized how little most Gryffindors cared about the loss. Most of the school saw that the Gryffindors seemed sort of vague and out of it, but she could see the worry behind each of their eyes. Some would say that the Gryffindors had been shocked by the attack on James Potter, one of their own, and that they still had not recovered from it. The wiser students in Hogwarts, of course, knew better.

The House for the brave and courageous had taken James Potter's injury as a personal affront. If anything, Gryffindors of all ages were preparing for what they dubbed a war.

It was subtle at first, and mostly started by Sirius. He stood up for those that no one had bothered to stand up for before. Ditzy Hufflepuffs and brainy Ravenclaws that had once been verbally harassed by the Slytherins—and even some of their own—daily now had Sirius and Remus defending them.

The war with Voldemort was going badly, one of the Gryffindor seventh years had cried in the common room several nights after James's attack. He called them up to arms. "The fight against V-Voldemort starts right here, at Hogwarts!"

One week after James's attack, while Lily had been in the hospital wing, watching James carefully, Madame Pomfrey had forced her to leave so she could treat several hurt boys. Lily later discovered that a band of Ravenclaws who supported Voldemort had been bothering a group of first year Gryffindors. The eleven year olds hadn't even bothered with wands—they attacked with their fists and legs, actually managing to knock out three of the five Ravenclaws.

The Hogwarts Houses were effectively at war.

At first, Lily was mortified to hear about the _war_. Her Prefect tendencies came out in full bloom before she realized actual injuries were quite rare. It wasn't a war of magic or strength; it was war of wills and ideals. Ravenclaw muggleborns proved purebloods wrong every time they performed better on a test or practical. It was little things, and yet each victory proved to have an enormous impact. The Voldemort sympathizers seemed to retreat for several days after a lost battle, and Lily, despite her initial misgivings, enjoyed doing her part.

Finally, her bookish tendencies had become incredibly useful for the Gryffindors.

After two weeks of Gryffindors taking turns watching James—as if he needed the protection—Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs began to offer their help. Students who normally never strayed from the own House in terms of friends were seen sitting at other House tables, laughing and joking with those who wore different colored badges on their chests. Only the Slytherin table remained an uniform sea of green.

Of course, nothing was more surprising than having a piece of parchment with only two words scribbled on it appear next to almost three-fourths of the students' plates during breakfast one morning.

_Well done_.

Lily had stuffed the note in her pocket, probably one of the few that had recognized the handwriting as Dumbledore's. And when she looked over at him, he briefly turned away from his eggs and gave her a nearly imperceptible wink.

XXX

He was aware of pain and of something holding his hand. That was it.

He couldn't hear anything, and since he assumed his eyes were closed, he couldn't see anything, but he was distinctly able to feel pain. It was a sharp, excruciating type of feeling, one that stretched from his right shoulder, across his chest and abdomen, before finally coming to a halt around his left hip. It felt like someone had slashed a sword, trying to slice him in half, and yet, at the last moment, decided against it, merely giving him a deep gash.

Stupid bugger, James thought. _The least you could do is finish the damn job_.

His memory of what happened was hazy. He knew for a fact, for example, that he had been walking to the grounds alone, wondering if he could get Kettleburn to help him with Jimmy—who still didn't let him in the dormitory—when he felt all the air in his lungs escape him. He could even remember that six figures surrounded him, and began to talk, but he couldn't recall their faces or what they said.

Frankly, though, he didn't care.

By that point, it was painfully obvious that he was bleeding (considering the blood that he kept trying to stem to no success) and that if he wasn't found, he'd probably die. So really, figuring out who had killed him wasn't quite on his list of priorities.

He could recall being found soon after that thought, but he must have been slipping into unconsciousness by that point because he remembered being kissed by something. He didn't think it was a 'someone' since people didn't look like nifflers, and he'd rather not be kissed by a niffler, no matter how much he had liked it…

James would have groaned if he could.

He sincerely hoped he had been hallucinating, that his oxygen-deprived mind had made up a silly little situation, just to make him laugh one last time before he kicked the bucket. Then again, James thought to himself, he had just felt another one of those nice niffler kisses on his cheek and forehead…Perhaps his brain was continuing the charade? Maybe it thought that permanently scarring him was a good idea?

"Oh James, you're such an idiot," a soft voice said rather endearingly. James would have jumped for joy…if he could. He could hear again! "Jimmy really bothers you doesn't he?" the voice continued. James agreed completely. That stupid niffler and his damn kisses. "I don't know if you can hear me, but…the niffler isn't the one kissing you. You can stop muttering about it."

His curiosity got the better of him. He could still feel the lingering effects of the kiss on his cheek, and if it wasn't Jimmy…?

Ignoring his better judgment, James attempted to open his eyes. It took him quite a while—he must have forgotten how to do it—but when his eyes did finally open, he had to stifle a yell. Sitting next to his bed was a large, blurry, red, blob…thing.

"JAMES! You're awake! Madame Pomfrey!" the blob yelled, before hugging him. James was alarmed.

"Gerrof me, blob!" he managed to croak out. The blob paused.

"Blob? Excuse me?" James blinked, and he nearly laughed. It wasn't a blob! The voice clearly belonged to Lily! He blinked again, wondering when she got so…not good-looking. He sincerely hoped it wasn't a genetic thing and that their kids wouldn't inherit blobbiness. After all, his and Lily's children had to be incredibly good-looking, he was sure of it.

"What d'you mean I'm ugly?" Lily's voice asked him, obviously slightly miffed. James realized he must have muttered at least part of his thoughts aloud. "And kids?" she exclaimed, her blobbiness sort of wiggling. James winced. Or he had muttered all of it, no big deal. "Madame Pomfrey, where are his glasses?" He heard someone answer, though the words didn't register. A few seconds later he felt his glasses being slipped on, and the blob came into focus.

Lily looked completely normal, he was happy to note.

"You're a prat," she said, obviously overjoyed to see him though she seemed to hide it quite well behind her irritated features and annoyed voice. James grinned.

"Yes, yes I am. But I'm a prat in pain," he joked, and was surprised to see that a shadow passed over Lily's face. Of course, it was gone so quickly that he was sure he had imagined it. "So. How long was I out? A day? Two?" he asked jovially, frowning when Lily just turned to Pomfrey, who had walked over to his bed.

"Mr. Potter, you've been out for more than three weeks. The holidays have just begun."

James blinked once, almost wishing for his niffler dreams.

"Three weeks?" he sputtered. Lily rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to get Sirius. I promised him I'd call him when James woke up," she told Pomfrey. She gave James a small smile, and without another look back, she left the hospital wing. Only then did it occur to James that it had to have been _Lily_ who had kissed his forehead and cheek.

_So_ much better than a niffler, he thought with a grin.

XXX

"He looks really happy. Not at all like he nearly died," Mary commented lightly, her eyes on James. Lily looked up from her potatoes and nodded.

"Remus says he's so glad to be alive, it hasn't quite hit him how close he was to dying," she said, shrugging when Mary gave her a confused look. She was still a bit flustered from what James had been muttering under his breath—even if some of it included Jimmy—and she knew Mary would notice very quickly that something was wrong.

So she intended to keep quiet, because she needed time to just _think_.

She had long since given up the notion that she hated James. Somehow that emotion just didn't apply to him. Instead, other feelings had taken its place; she felt giddy when he was near, nervous, full of anticipation…and perhaps hope? When she considered her emotions logically, she realized that she must feel _something_ for him, but exactly what was lost on her. Every time she felt as if she was getting close to the answer, her mind would erupt in pain, and she'd quickly stop trying to figure it out.

This, more than anything before, made her realize it was time to break down the wall. She _had_ to know what she felt for the bespectacled boy; she _had to know. _

"Lily, did you hear me?" Mary asked irritably. Lily looked up, surprised.

"What?"

"Well, that answers that," Alice chuckled, causing both Mary and Lily to scowl.

"I can't believe you let me talk for ten minutes without even paying attention to a single word!" Mary said, in mock anger. Alice nodded energetically.

"Yeah, Lily. Goodness, it was _Mary_ speaking. How _dare_ you not listen to _Mary_?" she said, her voice completely serious, but obviously struggling to keep a straight face. Mary scowled again, this time, both Alice and Lily laughed.

"I'm terribly sorry, Mary! Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?" Lily joked and Alice grinned before giving her a high five.

"Ooh look! It's Frank and James!" Mary suddenly called out pointing to something behind Alice, causing both Lily and Alice to look over their shoulders quickly. Oddly enough, there was no one there. "My, aren't you two a bit anxious to see your boyfriends?" Mary asked slyly, her grin wide. Lily flushed slightly, but she didn't bother to correct Mary. Instead she found herself smiling at the thought of James as her boyfriend.

The need to figure out what she was feeling was becoming paramount.

XXX

"She didn't correct me," Mary complained when Alice gave her a pointed look. Remus raised an eyebrow, but waited for Alice to comment.

"Is it possible for her to start liking James all over _again_?" Peter suddenly asked, causing Alice to close her mouth and look contemplative. Remus shrugged.

"I'm sure it is," he said slowly, looking at Mary and Alice for confirmation. He wasn't quite one to comment on the matters of the heart…the girl he liked didn't even know he existed for goodness' sake.

"But I thought Lily started liking him because he changed. If she can't remember those changes—" Peter began, before being interrupted by Mary.

"But James didn't revert back to his same pigheadedness once Lily lost her memories. Besides, he's been really nice to her." There was a silence before Peter just shrugged.

"I think it's weird, anyway," he said, looking at Remus. "It's almost like those corny romance novels Mary reads—you know, the ones where they're _meant to be_?" Mary blushed deeply and Remus just laughed.

After dinner, James and Sirius had gone to the hospital wing, since James still needed to take several potions, and Lily had rushed to the library, stating she needed to 'figure things out.' Kate, who had avoided all of them since her trick-Lily-to-get-her-to-admit-her-feelings stunt, was…somewhere. None of them quite bothered to keep up with her, except for Lily. Then again, the only person Lily refused to speak with at all was Snape, so the fact she remained friends with Kate wasn't too surprising.

The rest of them had gone up to the common room, at which point Mary excitedly explained Lily's lack of response when she had called James Lily's boyfriend. Alice, ever the logical one, stated that Lily probably just couldn't be bothered to correct her, but Mary was adamant.

"How do you know about Mary's novels, anyway?" Alice asked, looking at Peter in confusion. Immediately, Peter blushed.

"I-I promised A-Abigail I'd see her after dinner!" he said quickly, clambering through the portrait hole as fast as his little legs would let him. Remus laughed again, not finding it too surprising that Peter was reading Mary's romance novels.

"Lily thinks my novels are stupid," Mary said with a pout, possibly trying to make them feel sorry for her, but Remus just laughed harder and Alice grinned.

"Lily thinks what?" Their laughter stopped quickly and they all turned to see Lily standing behind them with a stack of books in her hands, and a wide smile on her face.

"That Mary's novels are stupid," Alice muttered, looking questioningly at Lily. The redhead nodded solemnly.

"They are. Completely unrealistic," she commented before handing each of them one of the books in her arms. "So I went to the library to figure out how I can get rid of the blasted wall, and I found these, but I need your help," she said quickly, not looking at them. Remus and Alice exchanged guilty looks.

"Um, Lily, we've already—"

"—looked, I know. I thought I'd look again, I'm more familiar with the library than you all—" Lily didn't even to pause handing out the books as she spoke.

"You know that we've tried to figure out how to break that wall?" Remus asked incredulously. Lily nodded absentmindedly.

"And you said nothing?" Alice asked. Lily finally looked up, rolling her eyes slightly.

"D'you think I _want_ to stay this way? I want my memories back!" she said rather irritably. The statement made complete sense to Remus, so he was surprised when Alice and Mary just looked confused.

"I thought you'd rather not remember what happened last year," Alice said quietly. The remaining books in Lily's hands fell to the floor and she shook her head.

"T-that's not true," Lily said quickly. Remus frowned at the reaction.

"Didn't you say that you'd rather lose a whole year's worth of memories than have to go through with it again?" Mary asked, her tone slightly accusatory. Lily blushed deeply, and Remus began to wonder if there was something she wasn't telling them.

"What changed?" he asked, going for no subtlety at all. Again, Lily blushed.

"N-nothing!"

"Liar!" Mary laughed. "What is it? You realized you fancy James?"

"What? No, of course not," Lily muttered, but she looked away and her tone wasn't very convincing at all.

"Huzzah! She's figured it out!" Alice called out, pulling Lily into a hug.

"Yeah, when's the wedding?" Mary asked slyly, causing Lily to blush yet again.

"So, when are you going to tell James?" Remus asked, conversationally, absentmindedly flipping through the pages of the book Lily had tossed him. Immediately, Lily's eyes grew wide and scared.

"No! I'm not telling him!" she cried. Alice's grin slipped off her face and Mary had a disgusted look on her face.

"You, my dear, are pathetic," Mary said pointedly. Lily had the decency to look slightly ashamed, but Remus recognized the steely look in her eyes. She wasn't going to budge.

"Look, I'll tell him once I get my memories back. _That's_ why I need help! The more people working on it, the faster it'll go." She looked at them with some sort of pleading expression. Mary's disgusted look didn't go away, but Alice started to laugh.

"You hear that? She wants to be _quick_ about getting her memories. Bit keen, are we?" she said, her laughter ringing in the empty common room.

Remus sighed and looked at Lily carefully. "I assume that you want us to keep quiet?" he asked, his eyes slightly narrowing when Lily nodded enthusiastically. He felt incredibly sorry for Lily and James. Lily, because she seemed so afraid of admitting how she felt, and James because the poor bloke would have to deal with that for longer yet. Sighing again, Remus nodded once. "Okay. I'll keep quiet. But I just want you to answer one question completely honestly. Alright?"

"Alright," Lily said tentatively.

"Right now, at this moment, what do you feel for James?" He had to be sure. It wouldn't do to think James had a chance, when Lily was just being…well, being Lily. For her part, Lily turned a deep red and she mumbled something under her breath. "What was that?" Remus said loudly, cupping his hand to the back of his ear. "I can't hear you!"

"I said I don't know!" she said furiously, and there was something in her eyes that made Remus actually take a step back. "It's there in my head, but I can't get to it, and I can't figure it out, and it's driving me insane!"

"Lily, I—"

"And I want to know! I _need _to figure out what it is," she continued, not listening to Alice's interruption. Finally, Mary grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her almost violently.

"Do you love him?" Mary's voice was harsh, but her eyes were soft. Remus found that he was rather impressed by her ability to do that. "I don't care about last year at all. I want to know, _right now_, do you love him?"

"How am I supposed to know! I don't know what love is! I've never even had a boyfriend that lasted more than a few months. C'mon, Mary!" Lily's voice was shrill, and for a moment Remus worried that others had heard their conversation. But Alice winked at him, twirling her wand in between her fingers and she mouthed, 'Silencing Charm.' Remus grinned slightly before realizing it probably wasn't necessary anyway; most students had gone home for Christmas and those that had stayed were still at dinner.

"Okay. When James was in the hospital wing, how did you feel?" Mary asked, obviously undeterred by Lily's insistence that she didn't know how she felt.

"Devastated…" Lily muttered quietly, her shoulders slumping. "I was terrified, I felt like someone had removed my lungs and I couldn't breathe. I felt…empty." Mary's eyes lit up in delight, Alice smiled knowingly, and Remus found himself feeling as if he didn't belong. It seemed the conversation had officially left his comfort zone.

Remus understood fancying, he understood caring for someone so much that you'd do anything to help them. However, he could not understand this…devotion…that Lily and James felt for each other.

Love was something far too romanticized, used far too often, almost flippantly. He was only sixteen, yet he understood how complex that single emotion could be. He understood how easily the word itself was thrown around, and yet how few actually _felt_ it. It was odd, really, how a single feeling could spur some to become heroes and others to fall to destruction. Of all things, perhaps love was the most misunderstood in the world. After all, who could really say they _knew_ what love truly was? Suddenly, the fact that Lily didn't know what she felt for James made sense. He'd even wager James hadn't figured out the extent of his feelings.

Love. He found himself briefly entertaining the notion that he could fall in love one day.

"Our Lily has grown up and fallen in love!" Mary giggled. Alice nodded enthusiastically.

"Oooh! You and James can double date with me and Frank!" Remus expected Lily to blushed and shake her head in embarrassment. Instead, her eyes lit up in what seemed to be anticipation?

She was excited to go on a date with James.

While he knew that he had been forbidden to tell James how she felt, he thought he'd give James a big hint.

XXX

"I want to know what happened!" James demanded as they walked to the hospital wing. Sirius gave him a steely look.

"You think I wouldn't tell you if I knew? You were _alone_ when you were attacked, no one was found near you when McGonagall saw you bleeding to death!" he said angrily, shaking his head when James practically growled.

"But didn't you say you were sure it was those Slytherins?" Sirius shrugged.

"Dumbledore says there was no proof, that he couldn't do anything even if he wanted to. Just let it go, James," he said wearily. James looked at his best mate in shock.

"What d'you mean, 'let it go?' I nearly died! I will not _let it go_."

"There's nothing we can do! You can't just attack the Slytherins just because it's highly probable that _they_ were the ones who attacked you. C'mon, James. Use your common sense!" James blinked, realizing that it was _Sirius_ who was cautioning him. This was not something he was used to.

"You talked to Lily, didn't you?" James asked finally, rolling his eyes when Sirius blushed. Of course. It wasn't Sirius who had the bright idea to just let it all go; he must have run his plans for revenge by Lily, and she must have said something to get him to back down.

Silly girl, James thought with a smile.

"Honestly, I think if I had pushed my ideas, she would have helped me get back at _Snivellus_ and the others," Sirius said rather seriously. He stopped and looked at James carefully. "Promise that you won't go after them? Please?" James looked at Sirius for a long moment before he nodded. There was a reason Sirius wanted them to back off, and he was sure Lily had figured it out too. Regulus.

Though Sirius claimed to hate his little brother, James knew for a fact that he cared deeply for Regulus. Or at least, the Regulus he used to know, the one that would sneak food up to him, convince the Black family house-elf to be polite to Sirius, and managed to get Walburga to lay off her eldest son. Sirius, in all likelihood, had heard something that had implicated Regulus in the attack, James realized. He wanted time to deal with those implications on his own.

"So, I recall distinctly that Dumbledore banned you from Hogsmeade and gave you weekly detentions for your _prank_ last year. What happened to those punishments?" James asked, hoping to ease the tension out of their conversation. It worked wonderfully; Sirius suddenly grinned happily.

"He saw the light and decided to forgo those two punishments. Apparently, I'm a good person who has a tendency to be rash, and it wouldn't do to punish me so harshly for so long since I was obviously quite remorseful of my actions." He looked at James before bursting out laughing. "I respect Dumbledore as much as the next person, possibly more, but really?"

"What d'you mean?" James asked in confusion.

"James. He _planned_ it. He had planned to stop the punishment after the end of fifth year. The only thing I can't get back is Quidditch, but he's told me he'd love to hear me commentate. The old man's insane," Sirius laughed. James had trouble seeing why this was funny, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he merely nodded, absentmindedly rubbing his chest where he knew his wound was. "Does it hurt?" Sirius asked, nodding towards the wound.

"All the time. Pomfrey says the potions I'm taking should make it go away, but they taste disgusting."

"Bummer. Say, how about we celebrate you getting better with a stroll into Hogsmeade?"

"Ending with us getting completely drunk and smelling of Ogden's?"

"Why not? You in?" James only had to consider it for a moment.

"Of course." They lapsed into a comfortable silence, and when they finally reached the hospital, Sirius put a hand on James's shoulder.

"Prongs? It's good to have you back," he said, a small smile on his face. James grinned briefly.

"Thanks, Padfoot. It's good to be back."

"Great, now get in there before I get all mushy on you!" Sirius cried out, pretending to sniffle. James just rolled his eyes and laughed.

XXX

He felt as if he was going to regret this.

Remus and the others were sleeping quite soundly, he realized, and so it was time for him to go. Slowly, without making a single sound, Sirius edged out of bed, walking over to James's infernal trunk. He muttered a quick spell, and it swung open. Ignoring the shock of pain that rushed through him, Sirius dug through the trunk for James's Invisibility Cloak. Jimmy scurried over to him and sniffed his legs before rushing back underneath Sirius's bed. The niffler had built itself a makeshift home under there, and despite the fact James still couldn't get into the dormitory, no one had the heart to get rid of Jimmy. He was part of the Marauders now.

Smiling slightly at his pet, Sirius threw the Cloak over himself and padded gently out of the dormitory. When he reached the common room, he looked over at the couch carefully, making certain that James was asleep before he rushed towards the portrait hole. He was almost there…

"Going somewhere?" Sirius groaned; he had been caught, by a Prefect no less.

"Go away, Lily," he whispered, noticing that Lily was leaning against the wall next to the portrait hole.

"I knew you'd do something like this. Take me with you," she whispered right back. Sirius took off the Cloak and glared at her.

"How'd you know I was here?" he asked her, hating that small smile on her face.

"You're pretty tall, Sirius. I saw your feet." The answer was so simple, and it made Sirius feel incredibly stupid.

"You can't come," he said quickly, glaring at her. Lily frowned.

"You can't go alone," she exclaimed. "What if it's a trap? What if you're hurt as well?"

"He wouldn't hurt me," Sirius said confidently. Lily gave him a searching look.

"I know you trust Regulus, Sirius, but please, let me come. It's foolish to go alone."

"James would kill me if you got hurt!" Sirius said in harsh whisper. Surprisingly, Lily sported a small smile.

"Even if you go without me, I'll try to follow you. It's really in your best interest just to let me come." Sirius scowled.

"You're so bloody stubborn! Fine. You can come, but stay under the Invisibility Cloak, okay?" he muttered, handing James's prized possession over to her. Lily grinned happily before she threw it on. Several seconds later, he felt her take his arm.

"Let's go then!" she said excitedly. Sirius scowled yet again.

"I know why you're really doing this," he told her as they scrambled through the portrait hole. Lily said nothing, but he knew she was listening. "You see this as a way to prove that Death Eaters can be reformed, that your dear Severus isn't all bad. But here's a newsflash for you, Lily. _Snivellus_ is all bad." He knew he was being rather rude and incredibly mean, but he didn't care. For the first time that he could remember, he was honestly angry at Lily.

She said nothing as they walked, but he knew she was still there, and he couldn't understand why she didn't respond. Was this her way of admitting that he had gotten it right? That she didn't care about Regulus or himself and this was just a way for her to get her best friend back?

"You don't have to push everyone away all the time, Sirius," she said finally. Sirius stopped walking and looked over towards where he had heard her voice.

"What?"

"If you honestly believe I'd try to use your issues as a way to get Severus back, perhaps we haven't been as close as I thought."

"So why the hell are you coming with me?" he said in an angry whisper. Again, he was met by silence. Then:

"Because I don't care how twisted your family may be, they're still your family. And no one deserves to lose their family." Sirius blinked once, but his feelings of anger didn't go away.

"You're here because you think Regulus might be double-crossing me, not because you think he's trying to work things out with his brother!" She had said as much back in the common room.

"I'm here because in the off chance this doesn't go the way you want it to, you won't be alone like James was! I'm here so I don't have to lose yet another person I care about to the Death Eaters!" She lowered the hood of the Cloak and gave him a glare that could have curdled dairy.

"You just want to do the bloody _right_ thing. You don't care about Regulus." For the strangest reason, he just couldn't believe that she was here for any good reason. He still suspected this had something to do with Snape. Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Yes, I'm doing the _right_ thing, but only because it's right! I have no ulterior motive, Sirius. But you're right, I don't care about Regulus. I care about you, Sirius, _my friend_." Sirius looked at her for a moment before he finally nodded. She pulled the hood back up and they began to walk. Before they reached the Astronomy Tower, the 'neutral' spot that Sirius had allowed Regulus to choose, he reached out and put a hand on Lily's shoulder.

"I'm glad you're here," he whispered, and without waiting for a reply, he walked up the stairs, towards his younger brother.

XXX

Lily watched Sirius go up the stairs, and she followed at a slightly slower pace, making sure to be as silent as possible. She was here only as a helping hand, and she realized it wouldn't be very fun if Regulus discovered her.

Finally, near the top of the stairs she could hear voices. She edged a little closer until she was standing right behind Sirius. Regulus was leaning against the wall, looking far too calm.

"You wanted to see me?" Regulus asked carefully, looking at his brother. Lily watched the Slyherin's eyes; if he was planning on hurting Sirius, she would see it in his eyes first, far before he actually made any movement. Sirius laughed.

"Straight to the point, eh Reg? What happened to the pureblood niceties?" he asked almost mockingly. Lily would have groaned aloud if she could, instead she glared at the back of Sirius's head, hoping he'd get that he was _not_ to goad the younger boy.

"You once said you don't consider yourself a pureblood. I don't see why you'd care about the niceties."

"Fine. To the point it is. Do you know who attacked James?" Sirius dropped his mocking attitude and suddenly became quite harsh. Regulus shook his head sadly.

"I thought you came to talk to your brother, but it's always about _Potter_, isn't it? Since you were eleven, it was James this, and James that. I'm tired of hearing about James Potter." Lily actually blinked at the pure jealousy in Regulus's voice. For the first time, she felt a bit of pity for him.

From the little that Sirius had spoken of him, it seemed that as children the two of them were rather close. But once Sirius came to Hogwarts, things changed and they drifted apart. With a pang, she realized it was the same for herself and Petunia.

"What are you talking about?" Sirius demanded, obviously confused. Regulus let out a mirthless laugh before shaking his head angrily.

"You're _my _brother, not his! Why can't you see that?" By this point, Lily found herself to be incredibly uncomfortable. A conversation that was meant only to discover a set of attackers suddenly seemed to have turned into long buried family issues. She wanted to edge away and leave, but she didn't know if Sirius hadn't walked into a trap. She had to brave it out.

"Don't you dare put this on me! You were the one who sent me a letter saying how much of a disgrace I was for being Sorted into Gryffindor!" Sirius said angrily. Regulus rolled his eyes.

"You could have said something, responded, told me that Gryffindor wasn't _all_ that different from Slytherin, that it wouldn't matter where we were Sorted, as long as we were together when I got to Hogwarts, but no, you ignored my damn letter and then started raving about your _best mate_." His chest heaved; it seemed he had said the entire sentence in one breath. Lily wondered how long Regulus wanted to get this off his chest.

"You were happy with your own way of thinking. You ate up everything mum and dad spewed out of their dirty mouths," Sirius spat. Regulus snorted.

"That's what you'd like to think, isn't it? Lessens the guilt of leaving me alone with them this past summer? Of forcing me to deal with the brunt of their words as you escaped to your room so you could write letters to your friends?"

"You don't believe in their trash?" Sirius asked, he voice suddenly softer.

"What I believe and don't believe is no longer any concern of yours, brother. You left the Blacks that day you ran away; Mother has already blasted you off the family tree—"

"—good riddance," Sirius mumbled, and for a moment, only a quick flash, Lily saw Regulus grin in amusement, but then it was gone. His eyes were steely, his face composed into a cool mask.

"I think it would be best if you and I just avoided each other," Regulus said softly, sighing as his shoulders suddenly slumped. For the first time that night, Lily saw a naïve fifteen-year-old boy, not a Death Eater in the making, or a cruel bigoted idiot—just a kid who was lost. "I have to go."

"Wait, Regulus—" Sirius began, but Regulus just sighed again.

"It was me, Avery, Mulciber, Snape, Parkinson, and Patricks. Snape cast the curse—it was meant as his _initiation_." He said the word with a certain edge, almost like disgust, but Sirius didn't seem to notice.

"You can still leave it all behind, Reg. You can talk to Dumbledore and he'll help you. C'mon, Reg. I don't want to lose you as a brother," he said earnestly.

"Sorry, Sirius. But I think it's too late for me," he muttered. Then, without another look back, he left the Astronomy Tower. Once Lily was sure that he was gone, she threw the Cloak off and pulled Sirius in a hug, pretending not to notice the wetness on his cheeks or the way he was shaking.

"He's not one of them," Sirius said, his voice muffled through his sobs, "he just can't be." Wisely, Lily decided not to respond.

XXX

They looked tired, almost indecently so. Sirius had deep bags underneath his eyes, and he wasn't his usual boisterous self. He merely played with his bacon, occasionally taking a sip of his orange juice.

Lily was no better. Her eyes were bloodshot, and she didn't even make an effort to pretend that she was eating. Her plate was bare. The only thing James noticed was that she kept glancing furtively at Sirius. For the strangest reason, that grated on his nerves. He wasn't jealous, but he was rather suspicious. _Something_ had happened last night, and he was rather peeved that neither one of them had confided in him.

Which made the feelings of suspicion skyrocket.

"Sleep well, Lily?" he asked. She sat up in shock and looked at him oddly.

"No. Not at all," she answered, once again looking towards Sirius. This time Sirius met her gaze and he shook his head slightly. Lily seemed angry for a moment, but she nodded. "I was up all night."

"Oh, really? Why's that?" James turned to Sirius as he asked, and found to his disappointment that his best mate wouldn't even look at him.

"Bad dreams," Lily said softly, and it was very obvious she was lying. Sirius's cheeks turned a bit pink, Lily seemed defiant and angry, and James couldn't help but wonder what the two of them had done the night before.

"Bad dreams?" he asked, knowing very well that he was prying and seeming nosy, but didn't care.

"Yes. Bad dreams," Lily muttered, looking over at Sirius again accusingly. James frowned when Sirius scowled slightly.

"It was your choice!" he hissed, causing Lily to roll her eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry that I actually cared," she said sarcastically, once again causing Sirius to blush slightly. James looked at the both of them in confusion.

"Is there something you need to tell me?" he asked.

"Yes," Lily said at the same time Sirius said:

"No."

Lily didn't even bother looking at Sirius. She stood and shook her head slightly. "You don't have to push everyone away all the time," she said quietly before just walking off, leaving Sirius looking stricken and James even more confused than before.

XXX

Family was everything, he decided firmly. Family meant security, family meant kindness, family meant love. For Lily, family had been her foundation, her rock, her very lifeline, and when it had been snatched away cruelly, she had crumbled. It wasn't until she realized she still had those who cared for her that she was able to stand tall once more.

For James, family was incredibly important. You'd never hear him say anything against his parents in public. He'd do anything for them. However, James also considered his friends as family. And so he complained to them, told them about how he hated some of the things his parents did, how he wished he could just spend time with his father as a son should.

Sirius knew that family didn't necessarily consist of parents and siblings. A family could be the best friends who never left your side despite everything that happened. A family could be a group of boys who were willing to undergo dangerous and advanced magic in order to keep one of their own company during painful full moons.

For Sirius, family had always been something that was just beyond his reach; right there in front of him, yet unattainable. His parents disliked him because of his ideals, because he sported red and gold rather than silver and green on his robes. They shunned him because he didn't agree with what they said, because he was what they deemed 'abnormal.' For Sirius, his mother and father had never been family. And yet, Sirius _knew_ he had a family.

James, Remus, and Peter were his brothers.

Frank and Alice were the quirky cousins.

Lily was his sister.

Mary was the incredibly nosy, yet well intentioned, aunt.

He had everything he could ever want. He knew that no matter what happened, he could always count on his friends. Because they were _family_. Yet, despite this knowledge, despite knowing that he had a family, despite all his reasoning, Sirius couldn't help but feel as if he had done his own biological brother wrong.

Regulus wasn't a bad person. He knew that. Regulus was gullible, easy to sway, and predictable. He'd follow what their parents would say blindly, if only because he knew that it would make Walburga and Orion Black happy. But Sirius could honestly say that Regulus didn't share their same bigoted beliefs. He could remember a time—especially right after he was Sorted into Gryffindor—that Regulus wanted nothing more than to be like his older brother.

Perhaps it was his fault that Reg changed. Maybe once he found friends who accepted him and treated him like an equal, he forgot about the little brother who'd sneak food to his room. Sirius had done wrong by Regulus.

But maybe there was a chance to fix it. If only Sirius could convince his younger brother that all was not lost—that he could still separate himself from Voldemort. Regulus wasn't Bellatrix, he wasn't Avery or Snape. He _could_ be saved.

Sirius knew that Lily wanted him to tell James and the others the truth about what happened the night before. He realized that the longer he kept the secret from James, the more suspicious the bespectacled boy would become, and it wouldn't end well. James would end up assuming that Sirius and Lily were seeing each other behind his back if Sirius didn't just tell him the truth. But even though he realized all of that, Sirius had no intention of telling James or the others, and he was glad that Lily was willing to lie for him.

James wouldn't understand. None of them except for perhaps Lily would understand. Sirius _had_ to save Regulus, just the way Lily had wanted to save Snape. However, while Lily accepted that she could do nothing, Sirius would never give up on Regulus.

Because even if he didn't consider his parents as his family, Sirius loved his brother. He loved him enough to do anything within his power to help the younger boy. Because at the end of the day, Regulus would always be his brother, would always be his family.

XXX

He resented them. It was terrible, completely irrational, utterly pointless, but he resented that there was something between Lily and Sirius that he was not privy to.

She had called him her best friend many times, in private and in public. Sirius had been his best mate since they were eleven, unsure and scared of what Hogwarts held in store for them, even if they put up a cocky front. And yet, they were keeping something from him, something that seemed to be rather important.

Sirius was unusually subdued all day. He hadn't participated in the snowball fight outside, and didn't want to be part of the prank against Peter and Abigail who had been spotted beneath some mistletoe.

Lily had continued to alternate between giving Sirius glares and pitying looks. All day. All bloody day.

Normally, James would have just let it go. He'd be upset over it for a few hours, but he'd soon realize that in the end, they would come to him if they thought he absolutely had to know; he _knew_ deep in his heart that if it concerned him in any way, he would have been told already.

But after watching as Sirius whisked Lily off after lunch, he couldn't help but get angry. Since when did Sirius wait outside the Great Hall for someone? Sirius never waited for _anyone_. But here he was, waiting for Lily before pulling her away to some unknown location.

He had at first resisted the urge to check the Map to see where they were. He hadn't wanted to sink that low. Sirius was his friend, he rationalized, he would never do anything behind his back. And Lily was too honest. She couldn't pull it off.

He had succumbed to the temptation once he mentioned to the others that the two of them weren't in the common room and Remus casually said that Sirius wasn't feeling well so Lily had taken him to the hospital wing.

James had been angry when he discovered that Remus was in on their little secret and was lying for the two of them; why tell Remus but not him? That thought made him think that perhaps it was something that had to do with him, and suddenly his imagination went rampant.

The Map was out on within minutes, and he searched for their names, finally locating them in the kitchens. This put his mind slightly at ease. Surely they couldn't be doing anything in the kitchens? He thought about it for a moment and remembered Peter once telling him that he had caught Sirius snogging a girl in the kitchens about two years ago. Peter had said the house-elves were all rather amused even as they averted their eyes.

James went from resentful to angry.

He waited until Remus and the others weren't paying attention before racing down to the kitchens where Lily and Sirius still were. He tickled the pear and opened the door slightly. He could hear their voices…

"—I still think you should tell James," Lily was saying exasperatedly, as if this was something she had said many times only to fall upon deaf ears. James could see the back of their heads; they were sitting side-by-side, though not close enough to touch.

"He doesn't need to know. He'd just get angry," Sirius said carefully, shaking his head. James frowned. He wondered if Sirius knew he was already angry.

"Why should he get angry? He has no reason to," Lily told Sirius in an awfully upset tone. Sirius chuckled slightly.

"Because it involves _you_, dear Lily. He wouldn't like that."

"Well, he needs to get over it. Besides, it's not like you're overjoyed; I practically forced you into this," she said offhandedly, waving her hand in the air. James blinked once. It sounded as if his worst fears were being confirmed…

"Yes, first with the, 'I'm coming with you when you talk with Regulus' and now my plan to help set him straight," Sirius laughed. James felt his heart beat again…all wasn't lost, he might have misunderstood the situation.

"You were going to meet with your brother in the middle of the night! It could have been a trap!"

"Yes, but it wasn't," Sirius said in an annoying smug voice he used on James often. The mystery of their weariness that morning was suddenly explained. Sirius had gone to speak with Regulus and Lily had forced him to let her go with him.

"So, how's this plan going to work again?" Lily asked, ignoring Sirius's laughter.

"There is no plan. All I want you to do is be ready."

"This is never going to work," Lily complained only to be answered by Sirius's laughter.

"Such an optimist, aren't we?" he joked before patting her on the shoulder. "Don't worry; leave it all to me."

"That's why I'm worried, because I'm leaving it all to you. Are you _sure_ you don't want James and the others to know about this?"

"Remus knows a little, and he promised to keep quiet. But yes, I'm sure I don't want anyone else to know. It's better this way," Sirius said quickly. James frowned. Why in the world was he being kept in the dark?

"But why?" Lily asked, and James could have kissed her.

"Because James…he wouldn't understand. You do. This isn't about Death Eaters. This is about my brother. I don't think James would see the difference."

"I think you give him too little credit."

"You're having me on, right? James _hates_ the dark arts. He doesn't care who it is that practices it, he _hates _it. It's why he's always disliked Snape. He—"

"He sees the world in black and white?" Lily asked quietly. There was something in her voice, some sort of realization, but before he could figure out exactly what it was, Sirius spoke again.

"Exactly. Things are clear cut to James."

"But you're his friend, and if anyone's Black it's you," Lily said jokingly, and James could almost see Sirius roll his eyes. "For what it's worth, I think James would fight for what's right, regardless." Sirius let out a mirthless laugh as he nodded.

"That's just the thing, Lily. He'd die to do the _right_ thing, but he wouldn't consider this right. To him, Regulus is bad, and that's that." James wished he could find an argument to Sirius statement, but he couldn't. He suddenly realized something very important: If Sirius had asked for his help when it came to Regulus, he would have said no, just as Sirius had predicted.

It seemed that his best friend didn't quite trust him, and it was painfully obvious that he had good reason not to.

XXX

They had all stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas by some unspoken agreement. Between Lily losing her memories and James getting hurt, everyone felt the need to stay together. That was one of the reasons that Lily considered this Christmas one of the best she had ever had. Between her friends and Dumbledore, she found herself truly happy.

Christmas morning had started out as normally as any other morning. The only difference was that Alice was jumping up and down in excitement, wanting to get down to the common room to open their presents.

Despite the 'war' between the Houses, no one was willing to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas. Everyone had wanted to go home to their families. Thus, Gryffindor Tower was inhabited only by the sixth years, all of whom had agreed to open their presents down in the common room, together.

Her presents consisted of sweets and books. Honestly, she was quite happy with her gifts, and hadn't expected anything more, so it was a surprise when James handed her another parcel that was wrapped in golden paper.

"Who's it from?" Sirius asked, looking at the gift with a suspicious glare. Lily rolled her eyes and shrugged.

"I don't know, it doesn't say," she said softly. Mary snorted.

"Just open it!" she shouted, causing Lily to blush. She opened it slowly—mostly to spite Mary—and found that it was just a book. She glanced at the cover briefly, finding it odd that it was in runes. Lily could feel the others' eyes on her, but she paid them no mind as she flipped through the book.

"Lily, what does this mean? It fell out of the book," Remus said as he held up a note. Lily took it from him and read it before smiling widely.

"What's it say?" James asked Remus. The browned haired boy sighed before answering.

"'In the hope that you remember more than just the black,'" he said slowly. Mary snorted again.

"Whoever sent it is absolutely barmy," she laughed before winking at Lily. "It's a good thing you take Ancient Runes, isn't it, Lily?" she laughed again and then winked once more. Lily just smiled, wondering just how much Dumbledore knew about his school.

The rest of the day passed quickly, almost too quickly for her liking. She enjoyed being able to push Alice in the snow; she enjoyed drinking hot chocolate in the kitchens afterwards to warm up. She loved James and Sirius's antics during lunch, and she laughed along with the rest when a very red Frank obliged Peter's yells of, 'Kiss her!' and bent forward to give Alice a kiss.

After lunch, Mary had decided that Kate had been punished long enough, and along with Alice, the three of them spent the afternoon talking and 'catching up.' Lily, thinking she really wasn't needed, went straight to the library and opened the book Dumbledore gave her, working her way through the runes. By the time she had gotten through the first chapter, she was beginning to think the book was less about how to get her memories back, and more about magic and emotions and how for every emotion there is a different kind of magic.

Yet, despite her misgivings, she continued to read, and soon found that her memories should have come back the moment she admitted to Mary, Remus, and Alice that she had feelings for James.

According to the book, since the magic that was blocking her memories was a consequence of how she felt at the time, it should have broken down when she finally admitted how she felt. Apparently, her _denial _of how she felt was the reason for the wall—it was her mind's way of protecting itself, as it had seen the admittance of feelings after so long of denying them as a threat.

Lily blinked as she finally understood what happened that day. A dark curse had been sent her way, however her positive emotions for James had forced the curse to ricochet off of her and back towards the caster. Of course, there had to be some sort of force that acted on her—it couldn't just go in one way—so the very same magic that protected her suddenly turned on her. Yet, the magic should have been harmless. It was caused by emotions, and it was _her own_. Her body should have just absorbed it. However, it seemed as if this 'new' magic was considered a threat by her 'old' magic, and her mind shut itself off from it.

It was as if she had been pumped up with blood but her body had rejected it completely, even if it was her own blood type. Her body just hadn't recognized it.

Lily grimaced slightly. If all this was caused by her stubbornness, wouldn't it have been fixed by now that she had admitted how she felt…but she never _had_ admitted how she felt, had she? The words had never left her mouth. She admitted her fear of losing James, how empty she felt while he was in the hospital, but the three important words had never been said aloud.

"I love James," she muttered, feeling quite stupid, sitting alone in the library and admitting her feelings. No rush of memories, no knowledge of the year before came to her. It just didn't make sense! She had admitted it! She had said it aloud. What else did she have to do?

"Does Mr. Potter know?" a kindly voice chuckled. Lily looked up in shock before she blushed deeply. Professor Dumbledore, in all his blue star-patterned robes glory was standing right in front of her, his half-moon spectacles perched on the edge of his nose rather precariously, and his blue eyes twinkling like mad. "I see I must have startled you, dear girl," he said, placing his hand in his pocket and pulling out a bag of lemon drops. Lily nearly rolled her eyes; she had a suspicion that the professor carried the lemon drops around just because he knew everyone found it completely strange. He enjoyed messing with people's minds.

"My fault, really," she said, watching as Dumbledore sat down across from her. It was really becoming rather odd—she had these library discussions with Dumbledore fairly often.

"How much do you remember of last year, Lily?" he asked cheerfully, giving her a look that made her feel as if she were being x-rayed. Yet another thing she was sure Dumbledore did just to mess with people's heads…it must be boring to be the most powerful wizard in over a century—no one could ever pull one on you.

"I remember Severus calling me a mudblood, I remember some of the summer I spent at Hogwarts, and I especially recall a conversation you and I had about good and evil and 'grey.'" Dumbledore nodded solemnly.

"You recall the end far better than the beginning, yes?"

"I suppose so." Dumbledore nodded again, and he gave her a small smile.

"You care for Mr. Potter very much, that much is obvious. I'm glad for you both, truly," he said, his voice unusually somber. "It is something you must take great care in holding on to, Lily. Especially in these times. I fear we have nothing if we do not have the love we feel for each other." He gave her a bright smile at that before standing. His eyes were twinkling once more, and Lily just _knew_ that he was about to pull that disappearing trick on her again, but she wouldn't have it. Now that she had Dumbledore here, she wanted to know how to get her memories back.

"Professor, I—"

"You want to know how to get your memories back, yes?" he asked, chuckling at the look on her face. She was in shock; he could read minds! "I would have thought it would be obvious."

"Yes, well, I'm not as brilliant as you are," Lily muttered, mortified when she realized that not only had she said it aloud, but Dumbledore had heard. She blushed deeply, and refused to look up at him.

"You give yourself very little credit, Lily, and you give me far too much," he said kindly. Lily looked up at him to see bright blue eyes and a wide smile. "You need to tell Mr. Potter your feelings. Only then will the wall collapse." Dumbledore's smile waned slightly. "I'm sure you have felt pain whenever you were attempting to bring the wall down?" Lily nodded slowly. "Be prepared for excruciating pain once the wall goes down. The memories flooding back into your mind will be very painful, but it is not harmful and should last less than an hour."

"Is it bad that I feel afraid?" Lily asked as Dumbledore turned around. She didn't know what made her ask, but she had felt the desperate need to get her Headmaster's opinion, to keep his calming presence around for just a bit longer…

"Of course not. I've heard a muggle saying that the best things in life are things you fear," he said happily. Lily grinned.

"I thought it was the best things in life come to those who wait?" she asked with a slightly raised eyebrow.

"Ah. My mistake," he laughed before he turned slightly serious. "Do you understand?" he asked carefully, and Lily found herself nodding. Dumbledore smiled genially. "You truly do give yourself far too little credit, Lily. Happy Christmas," he said as he gave her a slight bow. Lily wished her Headmaster a happy Christmas and watched him leave the library, a small smile on her face.

Yes, she was quite sure that most of the things Dumbledore did were simply out of boredom, and messing with other people must be good fun.

XXX

"I don't get it, you _know_ you love him, and you _know _that the only way to get your memories back is to _tell_ him you love him, but you're not going to?" Mary asked incredulously. They were all back in the girls' dormitory, preparing for bed, when Lily decided to tell them about her conversation with Dumbledore.

"I think Dumbledore's right. She'll always be frightened to tell him, but she might as well wait a while. After all, she has time," Alice said reasonably. Lily grinned at her, and ignored Mary's eye rolls.

"Don't you all think that Dumbledore has taken a really odd interest in Lily and James?" Kate asked suddenly causing the other three girls to look at her oddly.

"Are you really going to doubt Dumbledore?" Mary snapped. According to Alice, their catching-up hadn't gone very well, and the two girls were once again at each other's throats.

"No, but you don't see him talking to everyone. This is like the third time he's had a lengthy conversation with Lily," Kate argued. Lily refused to admit that she had actually had a lot more conversations with him over the summer, she just couldn't remember them all.

"I think it's wonderful that Dumbledore's doing this. It shows that he cares for his students."

"All it shows is that he favors some over others," Kate said slightly bitterly. Lily blinked in understanding, but she chose not to say anything. Instead she smiled at Mary.

"Alice is right, I have time to tell James. Besides, I don't want to go tell him that I've fallen for him only to be told he's not as serious before he rushes off in the other direction."

"He wouldn't do that. James loves you," Alice said with assurance. Lily found herself sporting a silly grin, and she had difficulty hiding it.

"She won't last," Kate said in a confident tone.

"I give her till Christmas next year," Alice said. Mary snorted.

"Please. She'll have told him before the end of the week—before New Year's."

**Thanks as always to In Love With Prongs for the edit, and also to all of you who reviewed! **


	17. Understanding the Difference

Chapter Seventeen- Understanding the Difference

"Would you say that I'm unreasonable or untrustworthy?" James asked, leaning towards Lily. It had been five days since he heard Sirius talk about him in the kitchens and two since Christmas, but it felt like it had been years. James was beginning to go insane.

Lily was curled up on the couch, a book in her lap, one hand playing with her hair, the other reserved for flipping pages. She didn't even look up. "Yes, I do think you need a haircut," she said absentmindedly as she turned the page and continued reading. James wondered how she got haircut from 'unreasonable' and 'untrustworthy.'

"Lily?" he said, poking her arm. She didn't look up. "Lily?" he said again, this time poking her forehead. Lily continued to read, absolutely engrossed in her book. "What are you reading?" James demanded. Lily didn't answer; she turned another page.

Looking at her for a moment, he decided some drastic action needed to be taken. He bent forward until his face was right in front of hers. He smiled at her familiar scent, almost overwhelming him at such a close proximity, but he kept getting closer. Lily didn't even flinch as he drew nearer…

Finally, when he judged he was close enough, he threw himself onto the couch, his head landing on top of her book—which was in her lap, funnily enough—and he found himself staring into very amused green eyes.

"Would you say that I'm unreasonable or untrustworthy?" James asked her again. Lily blinked in surprise before she laughed.

"Don't you have anyone else to bother?" she asked him. James feigned being hurt. He gave her a look of pure pain.

"Oh, how you wound me!" he said as he grabbed his heart with both his hands. Lily rolled her eyes before smacking him on the head.

"Get up," she said. But James didn't move. He liked the position he was in. He could see her face clearly, he could smell her shampoo, and he liked the way her hand felt on his forehead—a hand she had not removed since smacking him lightly in the head.

"Answer my question?" he asked, giving her a small smile. Lily frowned for a moment before seeming to be in deep thought. She was playing with his hair, probably without even noticing it, and James found he liked her touch…he closed his eyes.

"You're not unreasonable, per se. But you are set on your own beliefs. Sometimes you're not willing to give someone a chance if they don't agree with you," Lily finally said. James opened his eyes, surprised to see that hers were closed, and she was biting her bottom lip. He opened his mouth to speak, but Lily continued. "You're definitely not untrustworthy. I think you're one of the most trustworthy people I know," she paused, bit her lip again and plowed on. "I mean, I'd trust you with absolutely anything." Her eyes opened and she looked at him carefully. There was something in her eyes that made James feel incredibly warm and safe.

But it also somewhat scared him.

Her eyes said that he had her trust, that she'd put her life in his hands. Her eyes spoke of knowing that he'd do right by her, that he would _never_ let her down. And yet, James wasn't sure how to deal with that. How could he be responsible for anyone other than himself? How could someone else trust their very lives to him when he couldn't even get into his own dormitory because of a niffler? How could she know that he'd never let her down when that's all he seemed to be doing?

"I'd trust you with absolutely anything as well, Lil," James said after a moment of silence. Her answering smile was fantastic to see. It was as if she had tested him and he had passed with flying colors.

"Lil?"

"Sorry! I didn't think—I won't call you it again—" James stopped talking when she put her hand over his mouth.

"It's not that big of a deal, James. You can call me Lil." She tilted her head to one side and gave him an appraising look. "By the way, when were you planning on telling me and Sirius you had eavesdropped on our conversation?" James felt his eyes widen.

"Howd ju no?" James asked from underneath her hand. Lily giggled and pulled her hand away.

"It tickled!" she said defensively when James gave her a look.

"How'd you know?" he asked again. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Don't insult my intelligence, James. You would never have thought about asking about being reasonable or trustworthy if you hadn't heard me and Sirius talk."

"You're not mad?"

"Mad? Why would I be mad? I wanted Sirius to tell you from the start—"

"No, aren't you mad that I eavesdropped?" Lily gave him a surprised look before she shook her head.

"Not really. We knew you'd be suspicious, and probably should have expected you to do something like that. It's not that big a deal," she said, shrugging. Her hand resumed its gentle ministrations in his hair, something he was beginning to suspect she was very well aware of. James nodded in understanding, and he watched her as she looked away.

"You're upset, though," James said finally, comprehension flooding through him. She wasn't mad that he had eavesdropped, but felt upset that he had seen the need to.

"A little, I suppose," she said quietly, biting her lip, and dropping her oh-so-calming hand from his head to her side. James didn't know what to say to make her feel better, to make her see he was just that way—he liked to know what was going on at all times—but nothing came to mind. So he grinned and tugged on her hair with one hand.

"Sorry?" he said, his grin faltering slightly as she looked at him. But the amused look appeared again in her eyes and she shook her head.

"Go away," she laughed, swatting his head. James obliged but he took the time to take her book as well.

"See you later, Evans!" he said with a wink, causing Lily to throw one of he cushions at him. He didn't even bother to duck. Lily Evans had _terrible_ aim.

XXX

"I just want to know why he's asked you to wait. I mean, I thought the sooner you tell James, the better," Mary said as they walked along the edge of the lake. Lily smiled at her and shrugged.

"Dumbledore must have his reasons," she said lightly, feeling more at ease than she had in a very long time. She felt…content, and that was enough for her, for now.

"Yes, but _what_ are these elusive reasons?" Mary said in a voice far too similar to a five-year-olds whining for comfort. Lily shrugged again, briefly wondering why she didn't care more about Dumbledore's request. All she knew was that she trusted the old man, and that he'd never steer her wrong.

"Maybe it's because of my history with James's father. Or perhaps he knows something about the walls around my memories that he hasn't told us. Does it matter?"

"Ooh! I know! I bet he know James's dad won't approve of the union and he wants to somehow secretly get the two of you together—" Lily cut her off, grinning.

"Mary, this is isn't one of your novels. First of all, I doubt James's father has much of a say in who James dates and doesn't date. Secondly, we're not getting _married_—"

"—yet." Lily turned to look at Mary in shock, but she began to whistle innocently and gave Lily a wide-eyed look. Neither of them said anything as they watched the giant squid lazily raise its tentacles above the water and lower them again, almost playfully. Lily couldn't believe she had once said that she'd rather go out with the squid than James…

Her eyes widened slightly, realizing she had just regained a snippet from last year. Dumbledore had said it could happen—as she got used to the idea of falling for James, her mind would slowly lower her defenses. She wondered if he was asking her to wait so that the inevitable pain she'd feel once she got all her memories back would be less. Then again, the only memories she had regained—without pushing at her mind, of course—were memories of James. Of kissing him, of talking to him, of spending time with him. A part of her found that odd, but a larger part of her thought it made sense.

"Mary?"

"Hmm?" Mary wasn't really paying attention. She was looking off into the distance, and Lily found herself wondering what Mary could be thinking about…She shook her head and continued.

"Is it bad that I want him to say it first?" Mary didn't answer right away. She kept looking across the lake, her eyes slightly glossed over. Finally, after almost a minute she turned to Lily with a small smile.

"You're afraid." It was wonderful that Mary didn't even have to ask what she wanted James to say, but it was even better that the girl got to the crux of the issue rather quickly.

"Well, yes. What if—what if he doesn't feel the same way? What if all he has a passing fancy and I'm in the long haul?"

"He's not going to say anything if you don't express any interest, Lily," Mary said, frowning slightly at her. "You spend all your time trying to make sure you treat him the same as Sirius, or Remus. What d'you expect? For him to yell out the depth of his feelings when he can't even be sure of yours?" Lily opened her mouth to retort, but she realized that Mary was right. She hadn't thought that perhaps James was just as afraid to admit how he felt as she was. They both feared rejection.

"I'm not going to start anything with him without my memories—I _want_ to know how he changed, I want to remember watching him grow up. But in order to get my memories back I have to admit that I've fallen for him." Lily rubbed her temples with the tips of her fingers. "What should I do?" Mary just laughed.

"You're making it more complicated than it needs to be, my idiot of a friend. Just pull him into a broom closet after dinner and snog him senseless." A dreamy look appeared on her face. "That would _such_ a good ending for a novel. I should consider writing one," she chuckled, ignoring the look of shock on Lily's face.

"When have I _ever_ given you the impression that I'd do something like that?" Lily asked incredulously. Mary grinned widely.

"You were insane enough to be best friends with Severus for seven years. I didn't think the level of insanity to just snog James senseless would be too different."

"Oh, ha-ha, you're just so clever, aren't you?" Lily deadpanned, and much to her annoyance, Mary grinned and nodded.

"Of course. It's quite nice to get some credit for my brilliance every now and then," she said, her eyes bright with mirth. Lily mock-glared at her friend before bursting out into laughter.

"Is it bad that I was actually contemplating your broom closet idea for a moment there?" Lily asked, thinking about the brief period that she began to plan exactly how she'd get James alone after dinner.

All she'd do was ask if someone would walk with her since she needed to pick up something from the library. The other Marauders would immediately give their excuses, Alice would already be gone with Frank, and Mary would know exactly what she was doing. It would leave James. She'd give him a pleading look—perhaps give him a smile—and he'd sigh, mutter something about Lily ruining his reputation as a Marauder, but he'd nod in acceptance. Once they were far enough from the others, and preferably in a completely abandoned corridor, she'd turn to him, stand on her toes, and lean in…

Lily shook her head to rid herself of the extremely tempting thoughts. Mary gave her a knowing smile, one that didn't irk Lily quite as much as she thought it should.

"Daydreaming, Lily? Has a certain messy-haired, bespectacled boy caught your fancy? Are you planning how you'll just grab him and snog him senseless after dinner?" Mary's tone was quite annoying, but Lily blushed and found herself grinning shamelessly.

"I've kissed him twice, but they were so _short_," she lamented, sighing theatrically. Mary let out a snort and she shook her head.

"I don't know how you expect to wait till James tells _you_ how he feels. I have a good feeling you'll just burst it out in the middle of class."

"Imagine the look of Severus's face if I did that," Lily said, and found herself actually enjoying the mental image. She wasn't a particularly vindictive person; it wasn't her intention to hurt Severus. However, Severus _hated_ James. Having his former best friend fall for his worst enemy, well, she couldn't imagine that he'd like it.

"I don't know, Lily. D'you really want he boy who has a crush on you to know you care for his worst enemy?"

"Severus does _not_ have a crush on me." Lily felt angry all of a sudden.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure he does. It sometimes seemed like he cared for you deeply—"

"Mary, leave it alone."

"You're right though. He can't have truly cared for you. I mean, someone who cares for you doesn't call you _that_ word, he shouldn't push you away or completely disregard your feelings. He should respect you and what you say."

"I already know he's not my friend, you don't have to hint at it so much." Mary grinned slightly apologetically, but she didn't seem too repentant.

"Oh, I know. Yesterday, when you told him to just bugger off…oh, it was just absolutely delightful."

"I may not remember our falling out, but I know that he's not my friend anymore," Lily said. She no longer felt angry, but she knew that Mary had an ulterior motive for mentioning Severus, and she was waiting to hear it.

"It was really good of James to make sure you knew exactly where you stood. He may not have told you exactly what happened, but he let you know it _did_ happen," Mary said carefully, as if weighing every word before she spoke. She frowned then and looked at Lily carefully. "He could have told you half-truths, even lies. He could have led you on. _You_ remembered kissing him, and he could have told you that it was because the two of you had been dating. But he didn't. He respected you, and how _you_ feel."

"I know all that! You think I didn't realize what kind of person he really is?" Lily felt slightly insulted. Her feelings for James stemmed from understanding what he did for her. Perhaps it was different last year, as she watched him grow she changed her mind about him. Seeing him _now_, however, watching how he acted and talked, it just made Lily see how inherently _good_ he was.

"I know you see that." Mary paused, looked at Lily carefully, and then smiled brightly. "I'm just trying to show you that you don't need to be afraid to tell him how you feel. I'm just trying to show you that he most likely feels the same way."

"Most likely?"

"I thought I'd give myself some leeway in the off chance I was wrong," Mary said, chuckling. Lily rolled her eyes.

"You don't think I should wait like Dumbledore asked?" she asked after a few seconds of silence. Mary shrugged.

"I think you should tell him when _you_ feel it's right. Of course, I'd never say no to the broom-closet-snog-him-senseless plan. I'd make sure everyone left the two of you quite alone." Mary winked at her and Lily blushed deeply. It was rather tempting…

"No. I'll wait. Dumbledore had to have some sort of reason."

"Yeah, it could either be that or Dumbledore is completely insane," Mary muttered under her breath, causing Lily to giggle.

"Why do I get the feeling that you're living vicariously through me, Mary?" she joked. Mary's eyes suddenly became bright with mischief.

"Ah, you caught me! You see, I'm a poor soul who has absolutely no drama in my life. If I ever decide to write a love story, I'll use you and James as my inspiration."

"I don't know, Mary…" Lily began. Mary nodded in agreement.

"You're right, I'm sorry. The two of you are absolutely mental anyway. I think any readers would get annoyed with the two of you and your—specifically yours, Lily—obliviousness by the tenth chapter."

"_I_ think we'd make a compelling story. Almost too good to put down," Lily disagreed, though she was joking. Mary snorted once more.

"Right. The day you and James make a good love story is the day You-Know-Who gets beaten by a one-year-old," Mary scoffed. Lily blinked and had to stifle her laughter.

"Well, thanks for _that_ vote of confidence."

"Anytime, dear Lily. Lunch?"

"I suppose so." Mary made a face at her has they walked away from the lake and Lily rolled her eyes for the second time. "I'm not doing the broom closet thing!" Her only answer was Mary's giggles.

XXX

Sirius watched the Slytherin table carefully. Only three of them had stayed for the Christmas holidays: Regulus, Snape, and a first year that Sirius didn't recognize. Snape leaned over slightly and said something to Regulus, who just shrugged and focused on his food.

As Lily would say, right and wrong are never clearly defined. Who can say what the truly _right_ decision is, what the correct choice would be? And so she lived by her own morals and standards, and anyone who disagreed, well, they could go shove it where it hurt, because she believed in the rightness of her own actions, and she would not allow anyone else to tell her otherwise. And yet, at the same time, she also didn't think she had the right to tell others what to think or believe. If Snape honestly thought he was doing the right thing, then how could she say otherwise? After all, who was _she_ to decide what was right and what was wrong?

James, on the other hand, would disagree. He'd argue that right and wrong were clearly defined for all to see. There was no fine line between the two, there was no confusion. You either were good, or you were bad. Perhaps it was lucky that Lily's ideals and beliefs so matched James's, otherwise he'd probably shun her for not agreeing with him, as he did with the Slytherins. James thought that his ideals _needed_ to be accepted. He _knew_ what was right, and there was no changing that fact.

Remus once said that the overall decisions a person makes in their life shows who they are, and if what they do is _right_. He believed that if you lived fairly, if you treated others with respect, there never would be any debate on whether or not you've done the right thing or not. Peter, who had never really thought about morality or the differences between right and wrong, readily agreed with Remus. He had said that with Remus's point-of-view people had room for making mistakes—that they could do grey and yet still be considered good by the end of their life.

Sirius didn't know who he agreed with, or if he thought something completely different. Sometimes, as James said, right and wrong were so easily figured out. Voldemort was bad, Dumbledore was good. Why was it then that those like Mulciber or Avery or even his own brother couldn't see that truth?

He could claim that being raised in an environment that constantly bombarded you with a single mantra could lead you to grow up to be like Avery. But Sirius also knew that wasn't true. Snape's parents, as far as he knew, weren't Voldemort sympathizers. And yet Snape desired to join Voldemort's ranks. And then, there was his own upbringing. His entire life he had been told that he was better than everyone else because of his blood. So why was it that he hadn't fallen for those words?

What made some people good and others bad?

Even more to the point, who was he to decide which was good? He had an ideal, one that he believed to be absolutely right, but wasn't that the exact same case for Snape? So where was the difference? Where was that line that showed he was on the _right_ side and those Slytherins on the _wrong_ side? How was it that their idea of _right_ could be so different?

And so, Sirius turned away from Regulus, realizing he couldn't confront his brother. He didn't know what _he_ believed, yet, and so he very well couldn't try to force his ideas on Regulus, however much he wanted to.

They made you think it was easy to tell the difference. Stealing is always wrong. Lying is never correct. But what if your family was starving and you had no way to get food except to steal? Or perhaps you _had _to lie in order to protect those that you loved. Could those inherently _wrong_ actions be justified?

Justification. Perhaps that was the whole key to right and wrong. If you could justify your actions, then you wouldn't be in the wrong. Sirius groaned to himself as he realized even that made no sense. Voldemort justified his murders and the suffering he brought, but that didn't mean what he did was right.

In the end, all of this thinking led him to one conclusion: What if he didn't know the difference between right and wrong? What if he was deluding himself, fooling himself? What if, by some sort of sadistic twist, it turned out that Voldemort was in the right and Dumbledore and the others were wrong? What if? What if?

"You look like your brain is about to explode," Lily said cheerfully as she sat down across from him. Mary was chuckling, and she nodded.

"It's so weird to see you thinking, Black," she laughed, causing Lily to elbow her. Mary made a face, but didn't say anything else. Lily looked at Sirius carefully and then frowned slightly.

"Thinking about Regulus?" she asked and he shook his head. He wasn't lying either. He was thinking about right and wrong, about how he could be wrong about what was right. He closed his eyes as that thought occurred to him…

"How about I cheer you up, Sirius? Lily wants to snog James senseless!" Mary blurted out, laughing her head off. Sirius didn't have to look at Lily's face to know she was beyond mortified. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Snape look over at their table, his eyes wide with anger and pain. The two Hufflepuffs that had stayed for Christmas laughed, and at the head table, McGonagall looked slightly scandalized. Sirius wondered if it was because of the 'snog James senseless' comment, or because her favorite student seemed to have feelings for the resident troublemaker.

"So? You want _me_ to cheer _you_ up? The Ministry has decided _not_ to fine ugly people! You'll be saving so much money, MacDonald!" To his surprise, his comment didn't faze Mary in the least. She nodded appreciatively.

"Well that's good. It would be nice to stop having to pay for you," she said, winking at Lily. "Right, Lily?" Lily blushed and shook her head, obviously not liking being the center of attention.

"Leave me out of this!" she said hurriedly, looking at the two of them with disapproving glances. "Can't you two be nice to one another?"

"Nope," they said at the same time, and Sirius frowned. "Watch it, MacDonald. People might start thinking we're friends," he said with a small grin. Mary rolled her eyes.

"Who would ever want to be friends with you?" she retorted, but she took the sting out of her words by giving him the smallest of smiles. Sirius didn't know what to say. He wanted to come back with another clever remark, but he just couldn't. It made him wonder if his argument with himself had more of an impact than he thought…

"Oh, Mary, you were going to show me your homework," Lily suddenly said, cutting into Sirius's thoughts. Mary nodded.

"They say you're bright, but you can't even finish your own Arithmancy homework," she said, shaking her head with a smile. Lily groaned.

"You're going to hold this over me forever, aren't you?" she muttered, quite put out. Mary grinned, jammed the last bit of her sandwich in her mouth and stood.

"Let us go, Lily! Let us go help you with your homework!"

"Oh shut up. You're acting like you've never asked for help," Lily mumbled, though she stood as well. She gave Sirius a bright smile as she swung her bag over her shoulder and waited until Mary had started walking away from the table before leaning forward and frowning. "We'll talk about whatever's bothering you later, yeah?" she said quickly. Sirius looked at her carefully for a moment, not really wanting to let her know what was bothering him, and yet he found himself nodding.

"Yeah, yeah, of course."

"Good. See you later, Sirius."

"Yeah," he said absentmindedly, "see you later." Lily ran after Mary, laughing at something the blonde haired girl said, leaving Sirius to turn around again and stare at Regulus's head.

He felt envious of James's position on right and wrong, now. At least James had something he could absolutely commit to.

XXX

"That niffler has got to go," James said firmly, in one hand, brandishing the Code—a rather thick book filled with nonsense—in the air, and in the other hand, gripping his wand tightly. Remus gave him a skeptical look.

"Sirius has Jimmy incredibly well-trained. Um, by the way, why do you have the Code? I'm sure you're not planning to hit the niffler on top the head with it," he said, looking at James patiently. Peter sniggered from his spot on the couch. There was a brief moment that James had to suppress the urge to strangle the smaller boy, but he decided there were better ways of getting Peter back for daring to laugh at him. Instead, he gave Remus his best glare.

"_No,_ I'm not going to hit the niffler with the Code. I merely was going to add something to it after we made our plans to get rid of Jimmy."

"But I don't want to get rid of Jimmy. Oddly enough, he's the reason Sirius is neater," Peter said, whining. James rolled his eyes.

"I haven't been in my own dormitory in over two months! I _will_ have my own bed back before New Year, do you understand!" he yelled, once again waving the Code over his head. It was lucky everyone were still on their holidays; it would have been quite sad if everyone was able to see James become so worked up over a niffler. Remus let out a chuckle.

"You're being over-dramatic. The dormitory isn't off-limits. Just use it."

"And have my finger bitten off? No, thank you!"

"James, nifflers do not eat flesh. Stop being so silly," Remus said as he waved his hand wearily. James gave him a sharp look and shook his head frantically.

"You said it yourself! Sirius has that damn niffler trained to bite me, and I'm sick of it. I want it gone!"

"I thought it was a really great prank, especially since it's lasted this long," Peter said happily, grinning widely. James glared at Peter.

"I don't like you," James muttered, his eyes on Peter. The boy, rather than quiver in fear as James thought he should, just rolled his eyes and laughed. "Please, _please_, just help me with this. I can't stand sleeping on the couch for another night."

"I'll help, under one condition," Peter said, smiling almost evilly. James narrowed his eyes but he nodded. "We go to the Three Broomsticks tonight and finally have that night out you promised Sirius." James grimaced.

"I _told_ you we'd do that soon. I-I just—"

"James, spare us. The only reason you're not jumping on the chance of having a fun night out is because you're worried that Lily would find out," Peter said disparagingly. James felt his mouth fall open, but he immediately shook his head.

"That is _not_ true. Why would I be afraid of Lily finding out?"

"Because you want her to think you've grown up," Remus explained, giving Peter a look that plainly said he was impressed.

"But I _have_ grown up," James said angrily. Remus gave him a pitying smile.

"You're standing here, telling us that we need to get rid of a niffler because it bites you! What part of that seems grown up?"

"I feel as if you've just insulted me," James said with narrowed eyes. Peter laughed but said nothing as Remus just shook his head.

"I'm just trying to show you that you're making a mistake."

"A mistake? It's mistake to be as good as I can for Lily?"

"No, it's a mistake to try and pretend to be someone you're not for her."

"I was under the impression that I had to _change_ for her to have feelings for me," James snapped, repeating Remus's advice from so long ago, after they had put on a play to make Lily smile. Remus rolled his eyes.

"Changing to make yourself a better person—to go from an egotistical, selfish, berk to a compassionate, semi-berk—isn't bad. Pretending that you don't enjoy having fun with your friends just to impress her is stupid."

"Frankly, I don't see the difference between changing for her and pretending to change for her."

"Because you didn't change for _her_. She just made you see that you had to change. Now…now you're trying to be something you're not. And that's idiotic."

"Yeah? Well I think you're idiotic," James snapped childishly. He looked at Remus and Peter for a moment then drew himself to his full height. "Let's get rid of the niffler, find Sirius, and have that night out." He was not afraid of Lily finding out. He would prove it; he was no coward.

"Yes!" Peter exclaimed, and Remus nodded approvingly before giving James a small frown.

"I was just trying to tell you to stay true to yourself, James. I hope you're not turning this into something else."

"What else would I turn it into?" James scoffed, privately thinking Remus was a little too perceptive for his liking. "We'll have fun tonight. You know?" Remus gave him another frown, this one far more pronounced, but he said nothing.

"Let's find Jimmy!" Peter said excitedly.

XXX

Mary and Alice were laughing, causing Lily to laugh as well even though nothing funny had even been said. Even Kate—who was sitting some distance away, a book in her lap—was trying to stifle her giggles.

The fire was crackling merrily, and Lily occasionally chuckled as she watched the flames. She could hear Alice say something else, this time speaking of how her relationship was going with Frank—"I'm so glad we're together! Whenever he's around, I feel so much better!"—and Mary was rolling her eyes and teasing Alice, but Lily soon realized she was beginning to tune the two out.

Despite the fact Christmas was several days ago, Lily found herself thinking about how she had spent the holidays without her parents and sister. Yes, technically this wasn't the first Christmas without her parents, but it _felt_ like it was. She couldn't even remember what had happened last year, and so it felt more…real…now.

It was such an odd feeling, to know that you had lost two of the most important people in your life and yet not remember exactly how it came about or how you had coped with it. She had managed to push her feelings on her parents' deaths aside for so long, since James had told her that they were gone that night in the kitchens, deciding it was better if she concentrated on school, on the 'war', on living her own life.

But she found that those repressed emotions couldn't be ignored for too long. Sooner or later she had to confront the fact that her parents were gone, that she was all alone. A single tear rolled down her cheek as she wondered how cold-hearted she had to be to have been able to ignore the loss of her parents for so long. She felt sad, she felt incredibly lost, but she didn't feel that devastation that she thought she would. If anything, she felt a sense of calm, a sense of peace.

A part of her attributed that peace to James. He had made her feel comfortable, and though she hadn't initially trusted him, she realized he wasn't the same person she had known. A whole year had made an incredible difference on who he was.

She had admitted she loved him, something that should have put her in a state of shock, but loving James just seemed so right, so…_easy_ that she hadn't really thought about it too carefully. After all, there was nothing wrong with James; he was kind, caring, and loyal. It didn't matter if when he grinned he reminded her forcibly of a night she'd rather forget. She found that with each smile he gave her, each time he grinned and his eyes lit up, he had less of a resemblance to his father.

Lily was sure that there would soon come a time when she would see absolutely no traces of Charlus Potter on James's visage; there would come a time when she would see no resemblance to the man who had destroyed her mother's life and the boy—or was he a man now?—that she had come to love.

That thought made her smile. She was glad she wouldn't constantly compare the two of them, she was glad that she never again would resent James just because he looked similar to someone she hated. She was glad she wasn't going to continue her dislike of James and was able to finally embrace the fact that she had fallen for him.

"Lily? What are you thinking about?" Alice asked, cutting into her thoughts. Lily blushed but smiled.

"James," she said simply. Mary snorted almost indecently and Alice gave her a wide smile. Even Kate seemed very satisfied with Lily's answer.

"Are you missing him, Lily?" Mary teased. "He said he and the other 'boys' would be back by midnight. They'll only be out for a few hours."

"I know that. And I'm not _missing_ him, I'm thinking about the differences between him and his father." Lily's comment seemed to put the other three girls on their guard. Mary gave her a questioning glance.

"You're not taking back everything you said about him, are you?" Alice asked slowly, and the note of resignation in her voice surprised Lily, as if that's exactly what she expected. In answer, Lily rolled her eyes.

"_No_. I don't think I could take that back, even if I wanted to," she said in agitation, unable to believe that they'd think her emotions were so fickle. Then again, it made some sort of sense…

"Then what?" Kate asked, leaning forward in interest.

"I was merely thinking about how dissimilar he really is with his father." Immediately, the tension that had permeated the room before dissipated. Mary grinned widely, and Alice clapped her on the back.

"That's brilliant, Lily," Kate said sincerely. Lily felt herself flush, but it wasn't with embarrassment.

It was with happiness.

When was the last time she had felt truly happy? Lily blinked several times and found herself smiling widely.

"He makes me happy," she said matter-of-factly, looking at the three girls almost defiantly. She dared them to laugh, she dared them to comment on her sappiness…

"Oh, Lily, I'm so happy for you!" Alice cried, jumping off the couch and wrapping Lily in a tight hug. "I can't wait till you actually tell him!" At that moment, before Lily even had the time to tell Alice that she was going to tell James the first moment she could, the portrait hole swung open, and five obviously _very_ drunk boys sauntered into the common room.

"Look! James, here're the 'irls," Sirius called out happily, his voice heavily slurred. Frank came bounding forward and he gave a shocked Alice a kiss.

"S'rry, luv, didn' mean ta get, ah," he paused, as if looking for the right word.

"Drunk?" Mary supplied, trying not to laugh. Frank nodded quickly, his eyes oddly bright for someone who was drunk. He seemed incredibly aware…

Before Lily could unravel this mystery, Remus and Peter walked over and threw themselves next to her on the couch. The two of them were laughing at something that they could only see, and every now and then Peter would mumble something that would make Remus sober up for a moment before he burst out laughing again, shaking his head. They both smelled, and Lily tried to edge away slightly.

She didn't like alcohol…not since her third year…

"Lil! How's it going?" For the first time, Lily's eyes were drawn to James. None of the boys were wearing robes, all of them clad in muggle clothing, but James's clothes made Lily's eyes widen in shock. Black slacks, a dark blue shirt, and a dark coat. He grinned at her, his eyes lighting up slightly.

_He's not his father_.

_He's not his father._

_He's not his father._

Unfortunately, no matter how many times she shouted that in her head, she found that a drunk James made her incredibly uncomfortable. _He's not his father_. Oh, but he looks so much like Charlus. _But he isn't. It's James._

She obviously had needed more time to completely forget the similarities between James and his father, because at that moment, it wasn't James who stood in front of her, swaying slightly with a grin on his face, but Charlus Potter.

_At least she isn't dead, Miss Evans._

"I-I have to go. Goodnight," she said hurriedly, needing to get away, needing to deal with her demons away from James, needing to make sure she said nothing stupid to him because if he decided he hated her for something she said in the heat of the moment she'd fall into despair…

He made her happy, she reminded herself. _He isn't his father. He isn't Charlus. _

_It's James._

_James._

It was the boy who comforted her when she needed it, the boy she considered her best friend. He wasn't some drunk who had hit her mother with a car and then decided that she should be incredibly grateful to him just because her mother wasn't dead…

"Wait, Lily, what's wrong?" Mary asked, giving her a worried look. Lily's eyes flashed to James, who seemed wary suddenly.

"Nothing, I just have to go. Goodnight," she said quickly, and without another glance back at the others, she ran up to her dormitory, heading straight for her bed.

Lily closed her eyes and tried to sleep, tried to forget about Charlus, but she couldn't. And she hated it.

Right then and there, Lily vowed to herself that she'd take care of her demons, of her animosity with Charlus Potter, and she _would_ learn to see James as just James. After all, she owed him that much.

XXX

It was New Year's Eve. It had been nearly three days since James had agreed to go 'out' for the night, and it had been three days since Lily had spoken to him. In actuality, it had been three days since he had seen her.

"Be true to yourself, you said. Don't pretend to be something you're not, you told me. Are you happy now? Now that she won't even talk to me!" James asked, his voice low, but filled with anger. For his part, Remus seemed completely unfazed.

"I stand by that, James," he said simply. "You've done nothing wrong."

"I don't care! She's not even _looking_ at me!" James found himself yelling, hating that empty feeling in his chest at the thought that Lily wasn't even looking at him. Sirius and Peter had gone off somewhere—James couldn't be bothered to ask where—and he had been left in the Great Hall with Remus, neither one of them touching their lunches, but for entirely different reasons.

James was angry and irritated, and he hoped that Remus's reason for not eating was that he felt incredibly guilty.

"Why does that matter so much to you anyway? So she's not talking to you, so what? Sirius hasn't talked to you plenty of times and you never acted like this before with him," Remus said, in that annoyingly patient voice. James felt his hand to begin to shake.

"Lily's different," his ground out, glaring at Remus. The werewolf rolled his eyes.

"Why? She's your best friend and you fancy her, other than that, the fact that she's not talking to you shouldn't bother you _this_ much."

"It's not just a fancy! Lily's…everything." Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. She's everything," he repeated, his anger suddenly abating. Remus sighed and took a large bite of his steak-and-kidney pie. He chewed slowly and determinedly, causing James to begin to tut in impatience. "Well? Why's she upset with me?" he asked finally, giving Remus a glare when the boy gave him a knowing smile. He hated those knowing smiles, more likely than not, Remus didn't know a single thing.

"She's not upset with you. It has very little to do with you at all."

"What? That makes no sense. The moment I decide to go out and drink with you all, she stops talking to me. They have to be connected."

"I've noticed that a good ninety-nine percent of our conversations revolve around Lily, James. Honestly, I'm in need of decent conversation."

"Remus! Please," James begged, pushing his untouched plate out of the way and leaning forward. Remus said nothing for a moment, preferring to tackle a large piece of treacle tart instead.

"Lily is dealing with her own _demons_," he said the word with some distaste, causing James to frown, "that were brought on when she saw you drunk. She'll get over it."

"I should never have gone," James said, banging his head on the table. Remus shook his head fervently.

"You've done _nothing_, and I repeat, _nothing_, wrong. This is all on Lily."

"You're upset with her?"

"No. I'm having a hard time understanding her, that's all." He paused and a thoughtful look appeared on his face. "But she's making an effort," Remus added, confusing James.

"Making an effort?"

"James, let it go. When she's ready, you'll be the first to know." James didn't answer, but he felt his anger return and he wished that Remus would understand why it bothered him so much that Lily wasn't speaking with him, that she had shut him out. Remus just didn't understand how much James _needed_ Lily, how much he depended on her being there, how much he always wished she would be there…

"I want to know _now_," James complained, and Remus laughed.

"You're so impatient. If it makes you feel any better, she hasn't talked much to anyone in general. Says she needs to be alone to finally come to terms with everything."

"You think she's getting her memories back?" James asked, suddenly excited. To his surprise, Remus blushed, a sure sign that he was hiding something. "What? What is it?" he asked hurriedly. Remus looked away, as if searching for someone to come to his aid before he sighed.

"Lily already knows how to get her memories back—she and Dumbledore seemed to have figured it out." James was dumbstruck. His mouth fell open.

"_What_?" he managed to say through his shock. Remus just shrugged. "She hasn't gotten them back yet, though," James said incredulously. Remus put his fork down and drained his pumpkin juice.

"Nope. Dumbledore seems to have asked her to wait, and she agreed. Don't know for how long though…" he cocked his head to one side, as if deep in thought.

"What on earth could have made Dumbledore ask her to wait?" James asked, his shock still evident in his voice. Remus gave him yet another knowing look—which was beginning to become plain annoying, really—and shrugged.

"I don't know, James. I don't know."

XXX

The dream started out wonderfully.

She and James were sitting side by side on a bench on some sort of park. It was cold, but she couldn't feel it; James had his arm around her shoulders, and he was hugging her to him. They were staring into the distance, not speaking, not looking at each other, but she felt so calm, so happy as she leaned into his embrace, as she placed her head on his shoulder and hugged him around his middle.

He smelled so nice…

Suddenly, James turned to look at her, his brown eyes very bright behind his glasses, and he gave her this breathtaking smile, one that made her heart flutter, and her brain to momentarily stop all functions.

"Thank you," he said, his voice deep and passionate. She looked at him for a moment and frowned.

"For what?" she asked, completely confused. James's smile never wavered as he leaned slightly and pressed his lips against hers.

"For saying yes," he told her, and Lily felt her face heat up. She was about to respond, whether to the kiss or to his comment she didn't know, but before she could James was gone, to be replaced by Charlus. She immediately jumped off the bench and looked at the elder Potter with ill-disguised hatred.

"That's _my_ son. How dare you have a relationship with a pureblood like James, you filthy mudblood?" he hissed. Lily put her hand in her pocket, searching for her wand.

"I was under the impression you support muggleborns," Lily snapped, trying to buy time. Charlus Potter stood lazily, and she saw that he was twirling her wand between his fingers.

"Looking for this?" he said nastily, obviously watching her eyes. Lily didn't give him the satisfaction of showing fear. She drew herself up to her full height and glared at Charlus.

"Where's James?" she asked, wondering where she could have gone.

"Not that it concerns you, but he's safe now. Far away from your influence, mudblood." _At least she isn't dead_, _Miss Evans_.

"James wouldn't stand for this," Lily said resolutely, completely sure that her James would come to her aid. As if that certainty had acted like a portkey, James was standing next to her, acting like he had never gone. His brown eyes, however, seemed distant and cold.

"He's right, you know. Without you, I'm better off. Without you, I'm safer and happier," he said with sincerity. Charlus nodded and smiled at his son as James gave her a pitying look.

"You're nothing but a muggleborn. You're nothing at all." Lily could feel tears spring to her eyes, but she didn't even have a chance to respond to James and his reprehensible father. She suddenly found herself standing in her own bedroom, in her parents' home—in her home.

It was exactly as she remembered it. Her cream colored walls had been completely covered up by bookcases that were filled with schoolbooks and novels and all sorts of other works. Her small desk was still situated right next to her window and there was that small stack of blank parchment in the only drawer of the desk. Quills, pens, pencils, ink, and erasers littered the back of the drawer, almost causing her to smile. She remembered her father calling her a 'messy, but prepared, young girl' when he had seen the state of the drawer one summer.

Her bed was the same size as the one she used in Hogwarts, and the covers were red and gold, bought that first summer back home in celebration of being Sorted into Gryffindor.

She merely had one picture, a moving one of herself, Alice, Mary, and Kate all standing in front of the Hogwarts Express, waving and smiling happily. It brought tears to her eyes as she recalled a much happier time…

"_Lily! Where's mum?" Petunia asked, knocking on her door. Lily looked up from her book and smiled at her sister. _

"_I dunno. She said she needed to go out and get something. Why?"_

"_She's been gone an awfully long time, hasn't she?" Petunia asked. Lily frowned, realizing it had indeed been several hours since her mother had left. She got up and followed her sister down the stairs and into the living room where her father sat, staring unblinkingly at the television screen. It was in that moment, without even having to ask, that she knew something was terribly wrong. _

"_Dad? What's wrong?" Tuney asked carefully, stepping towards their father almost hesitantly._

"_I just received a call—I don't know—how could—" he looked at his two daughters in anguish, and Lily realized that it had to concern her mother._

"_Where's mum?" she demanded, looking at her father angrily, hating that he wouldn't just tell them what was wrong._

"_S-she's in the hospital," he managed to say between his sudden sobs. "She was hit by a drunk driver on her way home."_

"_Then what are we doing here!" Tuney exclaimed. "Let's go see her!" He didn't even nod, he just stood and picked up his keys, walking straight towards the front door._

_Lily followed them, in complete shock._

_It was Christmas Eve. Her mother should be home, singing carols at the top of her voice in an attempt to annoy her two daughters. She should be working on the food for when her sister and brother came for dinner, refusing any help at all. She should be telling Petunia to stop calling Lily a freak, that there was nothing wrong with having a witch in the family. She should be with them. She shouldn't be in the hospital…_

_Nothing could have prepared Lily to see her mother laying on the hospital bed, rigged up to several monitors, her breathing obviously labored. Tears fell freely down her cheeks as she saw her wonderful, loving, kind, beautiful mother just laying there—completely still and completely oblivious. _

"_Can't you do something, Lily?" her father suddenly asked, looking at her beseechingly. "There must be something that they taught you at Hogwarts to help her." Lily couldn't bear to look in her father's eyes as she shook her head. Even if she knew how to help her mother, she couldn't. She was underage—if she did magic, they'd snap her wand. _

_Feelings of inadequacy, of helplessness filled her. How could she ever look in to her father's eyes now? Now that she had let him down when he needed her the most?_

_Almost instinctually, Lily turned around in a flash, her wand out. A man, one that she hadn't noticed before, was standing near them, also looking through the glass at her mother. She could see the wand in his hand._

_He wore dark trousers, a deep blue shirt and a heavy black coat. He was slightly swaying, and she was sure she could smell the stench of alcohol…_

"_You go to Hogwarts then?" he said quietly, turning to look at her. Lily's breath caught. It was an older version of James—everything was exactly the same except for his eyes, his cold grey eyes. The smell of alcohol emanated strongly from him, and Lily could tell he had recently cast sobering charms on himself—that faint smell of vanilla that the charm caused wafted towards her._

"_Yes," Lily said, almost defiantly. The man shook his head._

"_That's quite a shame. It means I can't legally Obliviate you," he said softly. Lily bristled as one and one suddenly made two._

"_You did this! You did this to my mother!" she said angrily. Her father and Petunia, whose gaze had not once left their mother, turned to look at the man that Lily was yelling at. She saw hatred spark in Petunia's eyes. _

"_I admit, I was the drunk driver that hit your mother. I must ask you to swear that you will never speak of this to anyone," he said, his voice cold and clear, though she thought she could hear some sort of underlying anger. Lily felt something snap within her._

"_How dare you? You d-do this to my mother and you have the gall to ask me to keep silent about it? Who do you think you are?"_

"_I am Charlus Potter, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. So, yes, I do have the _gall_ to ask you to remain silent. You have a choice, Miss Evans. You and your family either swear to secrecy, or I Obliviate all three of you."_

"_Mr. Potter, this isn't the time nor the place—" her father began, too polite to the man who had hurt his wife in Lily's opinion. _

"_I'll decide the time and place, Mr. Evans. It must be now. Swear or else."_

"_You're threatening me, Mr. Potter," Lily hissed. "How would it be for you if people found out that the Head of the MLE was threatening a Hogwarts student?" Potter laughed, a sound that made Lily not care about the underage rule—she wanted to curse Potter so thoroughly that he wouldn't even be able to stand. _

"_No one would care, Miss Evans. You're nothing but a muggleborn. You're nothing at all. Now, are you ready to make your oath?" Lily opened her mouth to tell Potter exactly what she thought, but her father put a hand on her shoulder. _

"_Lily, please, we really don't need anymore trouble," he said gently. Lily nodded angrily, but gave Potter his oath. The despicable man nodded in satisfaction before he turned to her father and Petunia, a small frown on his face._

"_I truly do apologize for this," he said carefully, his tone changing almost imperceptibly. _

"_Don't say things you don't mean, Mr. Potter," Lily said angrily, glaring up at the still slightly tipsy man who she officially hated. _

"_Consider yourself lucky, Miss Evans. Legally, I cannot tamper with your memories, as you are a part of our world. However, your family does not apply to those same rules. They are mere muggles. They…don't matter. You should be thanking me for not tampering with their memories." Lily was filled with shock, sadness, anger, and hatred, but she didn't act, she didn't move, she didn't even speak. For the first time, something almost like pity sparked in Potter's grey eyes. "At least she isn't dead, Miss Evans," he said softly—almost like he was trying to point out the obvious—and before Lily had even comprehended the statement, he was gone. _

_It was at that point that Lily collapsed to the floor, racked with sobs, a single mantra rushing through her head. "He could have helped. He could have done something." Her father and sister took a single step toward her before dropping next to her, pulling her into a hug. Yet Lily was not comforted. She looked up at Petunia and her father, tears streaming down her cheeks._

"_Lily…?" Petunia began uncertainly._

"_It's all my fault."_

Lily blinked. She was back in her bedroom, the incredibly vivid memory fading away. She threw the picture on her bed and suddenly wanted nothing more than to leave, to be anywhere but there…

She was in a graveyard, which was surrounded by a white picket fence, one that made her think of Tom Sawyer. Graves were neatly arranged, most of them obviously quite old. Snow crunched beneath her feet for each step she took, and soon the sound became soothing. She slowly walked around the graves, not really knowing where she was or what she was doing, until she saw a figure with messy black hair, slightly greying at the temples. He was on his knees in front of two graves, his head buried in his hands. Lily walked over to him slowly.

_I as good as killed your parents! It was all my fault, and the guilt is too much to bear, Miss Evans! _

"Mr. Potter?" Lily asked tentatively. The figure looked up at her, his grey eyes oddly blank for a moment before he shook his head.

"You should hate me."

"I don't," she answered honestly. Memories of being told the truth in Dumbledore's office surfaced, but then were gone in a flash. She blinked and looked at the graves. It was her parents' graves…

"Why? Because of my son? You forgive me because of him?"

"I don't hate you, but I don't forgive you either," Lily said calmly, despite the tears that rushed down her cheeks as she looked at her parents' graves. A part of her, an honest part, knew that she should be buried with them, that it was only because of chance and sheer dumb luck that she too was not dead, that the Death Eaters hadn't waited until she returned home for the holidays to attack.

She didn't deserve to stay alive…

"He's lucky to have you. You can show him the right path far better than I ever can," Charlus said slowly, looking down at the graves again. "I thought I was doing what was right—but I wasn't. I…I…" he stopped talking and just shook his head sadly.

"James is far better than you seem to give him credit for," Lily said, a hint of anger in her voice. Charlus laughed mirthlessly.

"I'm quite glad he's nothing like me. He never has been." She wanted to respond, wanted to let Charlus know exactly what she thought about that statement, but before she could, she was back in her own dormitory in Hogwarts.

She had woken up.

XXX

His talk with Remus had been most illuminating, James decided that night as he lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

Of course, illuminating didn't mean anything at all. He knew that Lily wasn't upset with him, but she wasn't talking to him because of some sort of problem she seemed to have. He wanted to help her through it.

_Why does that matter so much to you, anyway?_ Remus had asked. The other boy had known the answer and it irked James that he had forced him to see that he didn't just fancy Lily Evans anymore. He didn't know when it happened, or how it even happened, but it had. He had somehow slipped into the phase without even realizing he had, but Remus had realized it, and he had forced James to admit it finally.

He had fallen for Lily, and that was why it hurt so much when she didn't speak with him, didn't so much as _look_ at him.

He would tell her, he decided firmly. He didn't care if she didn't have her memories, he didn't care if he wasn't supposed to act in a certain way—even though he had failed in that respect greatly already. He _would_ tell her. Remus was right; he couldn't skirt around her forever, trying to see if she had feelings for him before he laid his out for her to see.

He just had to bare his soul for her, and take whatever came his way with grace.

James sat up when he heard the door to the dormitory open, his hand reaching for his wand. All the others were in bed, no one should be entering their dormitory…

"James?" The sound of that voice made him want to scream with joy, made him want to cry with happiness. His heart beat faster and he quickly sat up straighter and strained to see Lily in the dark.

"Yeah?" he answered, surprised when Lily pulled aside the hangings around his bed and sat down next to him, her back against his headboard. "Hello to you too," James said happily, grinning when Lily smiled.

"It's officially 1977," she said softly. James looked over at his watch which was on his nightstand and saw that it was almost one o'clock.

"So it is," he said softly. They were silent for a moment when suddenly Lily leaned on him and put her head on his shoulder. She had gone from not even looking at him to sneaking into his dormitory at night and slipping into his bed…the thought made James blush, though not with embarrassment.

"I'm sorry I've ignored you these past few days," she said softly, her breath tickling his neck. James suppressed his shivers and he made an awkward attempt at a shrug. "I've needed time to sort some things out."

"And have you?" he asked carefully, finding that he was actually holding his breath for the answer.

"Most definitely," Lily said, and James found himself relaxing.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked, no longer worried that she would yell at him. Lily's hand found his and she gave it a small squeeze.

"Not tonight," she said, releasing his hand, but not moving it. James plucked up his courage and he took her hand in his, smiling when she didn't pull away. "But soon," she added, shifting her head slightly. James nodded carefully, but he didn't respond.

He didn't know how long they sat there with Lily resting her head on his shoulder—oh, how nice her hair smelled!—her hand in his, but after what seemed like only minutes—but must have been hours—Lily shifted slightly. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and smiled at him.

"Happy New Year," she said softly before quickly leaving. James waited until he was sure she was gone before he placed his hand over the exact spot she had kissed.

"Happy New Year," he said to no one in particular. He fell asleep, somehow knowing that this year would be far better than the last.

**First of all, I'm sorry about the long wait, though that wasn't my fault. I mean, I **_**told**_** my professors that exams were unnecessary, but they seemed to disagree. Secondly, to all of you awesome people you reviewed: Thank you so so so much! And, as always, thanks to my awesome beta who I really think should be sick of me by now—I'm sorry for being a pain!**

**Hope you liked the chapter! **


	18. Mistakes and Stupid Plans

Chapter Eighteen- Mistakes and Stupid Plans

This wouldn't do at all.

The one good thing that came of it was that she was following Mary's advice, which meant that Mary was being unnaturally kind to her. Of course, Lily was beginning to wonder if she was just setting herself up for heartache and pain.

She had no doubt about her feelings for James. None at all. If it wasn't for her promise to Dumbledore, and her certainty that her Headmaster had her well being in mind, she would have pulled James into a broom closet and begged him to take her to Hogsmeade—if that was what it would take—long ago. Instead, she had to wait—for what, she didn't know—all the while wondering if she should just forget Dumbledore and focus on James.

Then again, if she was being honest with herself, she wasn't exactly following Dumbledore's instructions. The Headmaster had said _she_ had to wait, something she intended on doing, but he never mentioned anything about _James_ having to wait.

And so she gave the great lump hints and clues constantly. She found the silliest reasons to touch him—his arm, his shoulder, it didn't quite matter. She'd sit as close as she could to the idiot at all times, usually leaning in so much it was a wonder he didn't ask her to back off.

Mary had nearly choked with laughter one afternoon when Lily had said very calmly that she had always been very attracted to boys with glasses and messy hair. Of course, it would be _her _luck that James wouldn't hear her statement.

How was she supposed to find a way around Dumbledore's request if the idiot she was in love with was blind to all her attempts at getting his attention?

After about a week of trying to show James that he _needed_ to ask her out, Lily had given up. No one could be that blind. No one could honestly say that they hadn't noticed her hints. Even _Peter_ had realized what was going on! For the first time since she had realized the extent of her feelings for James, Lily worried that he didn't return them after all.

She still found the excuses to touch him, of course. Despite feeling a pang that she would never be anything but a friend to James, she couldn't help but want to get as close as she could to him. She loved that feeling of elation whenever he was near, that pure _happiness_ she felt when she was able to give him a hug, or briefly hold his hand.

She didn't want to give up that feeling of being complete.

Which brought her back to the heartache and pain. Who knew that it would be James that she'd fall for? Who knew that she'd love the one person she had sworn to always detest? Who would have thought that James would apparently move on once she finally rid herself of her past?

It seemed fate had a terrible sense of humor.

A part of her felt that she deserved it. After all, hadn't she forced James to feel the same pain as she was feeling now? Hadn't she constantly refused him? Then again, Lily found herself arguing, wasn't her outright rejection better than his stony silence? At least he had known where he stood with her, but she wasn't even sure if he liked her as a friend, let alone as something more.

Another part of her was angry. She had dealt with so much already, it really was rather unfair of the universe to add more pain to her heart. How much more was she expected to bear? Did anyone even realize that she wasn't far from shattering beyond repair? That soon not even James could pull her back from the brink as he had done before?

The final part of her was just…sad, though sad wasn't really the extent of it. She was depressed, miserable, dejected…completely and totally unhappy. Most of it came from her pain at having lost James, but some of it came from her indignation that any _boy_ could make her feel in such a way.

She wasn't a weak-willed little girl, she told herself sternly. She would not allow her heart rule her mind. Her pain could be tolerated, her pain _could_ be ignored.

It was that thought that forced her to finally come to a sound conclusion. It was quite obvious that her feelings for James were going nowhere, and it was even more obvious that waiting for _him_ to say something was doing her no good.

It was time to find out why Dumbledore had asked her to wait, and then let James know exactly how she felt…and whatever came of it, well…

She had faced far greater pains than unrequited love.

XXX

Mary didn't care for Quidditch, not really.

In all honestly, had Lily not begged her to go to the game, she probably would have found something better to do—like redo her entire History of Magic essay. Or maybe find Slughorn and ask for stories about his many famous former students.

As she sat in the stands, watching the blurs of red and yellow, Mary muttered curses under her breath.

The game was exciting, that much she grudgingly admitted. The Gryffindors were making up for their loss, and the Hufflepuffs seemed almost indecently outraged that they were continuously being scored on. She had watched the game in minor amusement at first—after all, it was enormously humorous to see fourteen students take something so silly so seriously—but it had quickly abated.

Lily was nowhere to be found.

Mary continued her stream of curses, not even noticing when the two Seekers went into a dive for the Snitch, or when Sirius jumped up and down behind her, screaming his happiness, or when the rest of those in the stands finally caught on and they too began screaming at the top of their lungs…

Lily would suffer for what she had done, Mary swore to herself.

XXX

"Chocolate Frog?" Lily said questioningly, standing in front of the two stone gargoyles stupidly. They seemed to be sneering at her, possibly finding her situation humorous.

Then again, it _was_ rather funny.

She would miss the entire Quidditch game, that much she knew. After all, it wasn't as easy as she thought it would be to guess the Headmaster's password. She had never really realized there were so many different candies in the world, wizard or otherwise.

Once again, the thought that Dumbledore's many eccentricities came from his desire to mess with people's heads floated through her mind before she forced herself to focus.

"Okay, um, how about Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans?"

"Actually, I rather prefer the old fashioned lemon drop. Never had too much of a liking for Bertie Botts." Lily whirled around to see none other than her Headmaster looking down at her kindly. Next to him stood a man she had dreamed about not two weeks ago—Charlus Potter.

"Professor! I-I'm sorry, I didn't want to intrude, but I wanted to speak with you," she explained carefully. Dumbledore smiled genially and nodded smartly.

"To be honest, Lily, I expected you to come far sooner than you did. Wasn't I just saying so, Charlus?" Dumbledore said happily, turning to James's father with his smile intact. Charlus Potter closed his eyes briefly before he nodded.

"I'm afraid there's something you should know, Miss Evans. Something that concerns you quite a bit."

"Concerns me?" Lily asked, her eyes focused on Dumbledore rather than Charlus. The Headmaster said nothing for several seconds before he nodded slowly. He motioned towards the stone gargoyles who had sprung apart.

"We should discuss this in my office," he said softly, the twinkling in his eyes noticeably absent.

Lily followed the two older men into the Headmaster's office, all the while her mind working in overtime to piece together what Charlus could have meant. She realized that it must somehow involve Dumbledore's request to her back at Christmas, but how did it involve Charlus Potter in any way? For one ridiculous moment, she wondered if Mary's prediction had turned out to be true and James's father really didn't want his son to be with her.

She couldn't prevent the shudder that suddenly shot through her entire body at the very thought of not being with James.

"Before anything is said, Lily, I would like you to know that I disagree with Charlus heartily. I support you completely," Dumbledore said sternly, and Lily nearly shivered again when she felt his magic in the air. It was obvious that Dumbledore was not a man to cross.

"Dumbledore, we've discussed this! My son's life is at stake!" Charlus yelled, and Dumbledore's eyes flashed dangerously.

"I assure you that nothing would harm James while he is at my school."

"Yes, which is why he was in the hospital wing for three weeks after being attacked by Slytherins!" Even Lily, only a sixteen-year-old girl, knew that Charlus had crossed some invisible line.

"You forget your place, Charlus. I have been patient with you, however you go too far to suggest that I do not take the safety of my students seriously." Lily had never heard her Headmaster speak so coldly. Frankly, it was frightening. It seemed Charlus Potter had understood his mistake, because he hung his head and closed his eyes tightly.

"I'm sorry, Albus, but you must understand, he's my son. _My son_." Dumbledore's answering nod was rather regal, and Lily found herself suppressing a smile.

"Oh, it's quite alright. Perhaps you should relax more? I'm sure all this stress isn't good for you," Dumbledore said conversationally, sending Lily a wink. Charlus's facial expression was strange. It was a cross between annoyance and amusement, which in the end just made him look constipated. Finally, Lily let out a snort, unable to hold it in. "Now, perhaps we should explain to Lily what has happened?" Charlus nodded.

"A week before November, I received a threat from the Death Eaters. It said that if James didn't stop associating with someone of your birth—"

"—muggleborns," Lily said firmly, earning a small proud smile from Dumbledore. Charlus looked flustered for a moment but he nodded.

"Yes, muggleborns." He paused and ran his fingers through his hair, an action that reminded Lily strongly of James, almost making her smile. "The gist of the threat was that he would be killed if he continued being friends with those like you. Naturally, I ignored the threat. Next I heard, James had been attacked and was in the hospital wing." Lily's eyes widened.

"Are you saying his being attacked is my fault?" she asked in shock, from disbelief or guilt, she didn't know.

"Of course not, Lily," Dumbledore said calmly. "The fault of James' attack lies with those who cursed him."

"But—" Lily began, before Charlus raised a hand and interrupted her.

"A new threat was sent to me right before the holidays. He will die before his seventeenth birthday if _you_ don't stay away from him. This time, I will take no chances, Miss Evans." For a moment, Lily wondered if Charlus Potter was bloody insane. Then, her concern for James' safety flared.

"Specifically me?" she muttered, completely confused. Why in the world would it matter to the Death Eaters if she was friends with James? They had never taken an interest in relationships before.

"Specifically you, Miss Evans," Charlus confirmed. Lily turned to her Headmaster, unable to believe her ears.

"That makes no sense at all, Professor! Why in the world would it be _me_ specifically? James has plenty of muggleborn friends, so why single me out?" she all but demanded, feeling the back of her neck heat up in anger. Dumbledore, who had been standing in front of his desk, shook his head as he walked around it and sat down in his chair. His eyes were downcast and he sighed deeply.

"That would be my fault, I'm afraid," he said slowly, causing Lily's eyes to widen in shock. Dumbledore motioned for her to sit in one of the armchairs in front of his desk, and he closed his eyes briefly. "I believe you already know why," he said softly. It took her less than a second to nod in understanding.

"It was because _you_ singled me out," she said flatly, not upset at all. She had nothing but respect and admiration for Dumbledore, and if he ever required, was quite ready to lay her life down for him. When her parents had died, Dumbledore had assumed the role of her guardian, and there was no way she could ever repay him for that.

"Precisely," Dumbledore said with a nod. Charlus, however, seemed confused.

"I don't understand, what does she mean, Albus? I can understand going after James, he's my son and politically it makes sense. But her?" he asked, his voice slightly wavering. Dumbledore sighed yet again.

"I've been taking care of Lily's affairs since her parents died. Voldemort has noticed this unusual attention that I've given her. He naturally would love to deprive me of something he thinks I value greatly."

"But you don't value me, right, Professor? I mean, you've just been helping me," Lily interjected. She knew her answer before Dumbledore even spoke; she could see it in the slump in her Headmaster's shoulders.

"I must make a confession," he said slowly and Charlus's eyes widened.

"You didn't, Albus…" he muttered, but Dumbledore nodded.

"Out of the sixth and seventh years, I've been keeping track of about two dozen. I watch what classes they take carefully, I've tried to learn about them, and most importantly, I've taken note of what they believe the right thing is." Dumbledore looked ashamed, and Lily felt uncomfortable. "The Order is weak, Lily," he explained, "and we desperately need new members. I suppose I've been recruiting."

"You've been watching…?" Lily trailed off, not knowing what to say that wouldn't make the situation awkward.

"All of the Gryffindor sixth years, Miss Vance from Ravenclaw, and Miss Jones from Hufflepuff, just to name a few. They are all bright, and more importantly, _good_ people. They would help the Order immensely."

"How are you different from Voldemort then, Albus?" Charlus demanded, his face flushing in fury. "Didn't you just tell the Order days ago that Hogwarts has become Voldemort's recruitment ground? But you've been doing the same!" Lily immediately jumped to Dumbledore's defense.

"He allows us the choice! He doesn't try to pressure us, and he would only let us join if we asked! Besides, he's being logical—if the Order needs members, what better way to get them than from Hogwarts? And I happen to _trust_ Professor Dumbledore. If he thinks it's the right thing to do, then it must be." From the corner of Dumbledore's office, there was a trill from Fawkes. The phoenix was seemingly staring straight at Lily, and then in one majestic flap of his wings, he flew towards her, perching himself on her knee. Lily was shocked for only a moment before she found herself smiling. Tentatively, she reached out to touch the phoenix, surprised when the magical creature leaned into her touch.

"Miss Evans, I don't mean to be rude—"

"And yet, Mr. Potter, you tend to be rude a shockingly great deal," Lily said with a tight smile, knowing that Charlus understood exactly what she meant. They both turned to Dumbledore at the same time, Charlus obviously waiting for some kind of reprimand, and Lily because she was sure Dumbledore would say nothing to her.

Oddly enough, Dumbledore was staring at Fawkes, his blue eyes twinkling madly. He finally looked up and he gave her a bright smile before turning to Charlus with an apologetic look on his face.

"I'm sure it isn't intentional, Charlus," Dumbledore said, chuckling when Charlus Potter looked shocked.

"She's nothing but a child, Albus! And yet you support her with all you have!"

"She is no child. She is a brilliant young woman, with a pure heart. I must say, I'm quite proud of her and all of her friends. I have no doubt that all of them will lead great lives." Dumbledore's praise made Lily blush in embarrassment, but Charlus was undeterred. He nearly growled.

"If they _live_ long enough! With your Machiavellian ways, I doubt they will see their twentieth birthday!" Dumbledore's eyes flashed, but he just gave a nod.

"So what would you have me do, Charlus?" Charlus Potter pointed to Lily with an accusing finger.

"Get _her_ to stay away from my son. And stop showing interest in students. Voldemort will go after the rest of them sooner or later. James and Miss Evans are just the beginning." Dumbledore frowned slightly.

"I'm afraid that your first demand cannot be met. I will not force Lily to do anything she does not want to do. As for your second, you will be gratified to know that I am far ahead of you." Charlus laughed bitterly at Dumbledore's statement. He looked at Lily with an odd look on his face—a look of triumph.

"I have no doubt that Miss Evans will choose to stay away from James," he said slowly, a small sad smile appearing on his face.

"I think you presume too much, Mr. Potter. What makes you think I'd do anything for the likes of you?" Lily snapped, horrified that he would even think that she'd give up James. There was no bloody way.

"It's quite simple, really. I think you're far more protective of my son than even I am. Don't think that I'm stupid, Miss Evans."

"I assure you, I don't _think_ you are. I kno—" Dumbledore coughed at that point, giving Lily a look. He was obviously asking her to be polite, and Lily conceded. She closed her mouth and contented herself with glaring at Charlus.

"Do explain your reasoning, Charlus. This seems rather interesting," Dumbledore then said, smiling benignly.

"Do you honestly think that Miss Evans has any reason to sit there and listen to me? Any other person would steer quite clear of the man that ruined their mother's life. They certainly wouldn't allow the man an opportunity to explain himself, or even ask them a favor."

"Your point, Mr. Potter?" Lily hissed out, angry beyond words. Charlus gave her another one of his smiles, and then sighed.

"You try your best to be civil towards me for one reason. You don't tell me to bugger off because of _one_ reason. You pretend that we have no past for only _one reason_." He seemed earnest now, his voice full of pride, something that confused Lily to no end. Why in the world was he proud?

"Would you be so kind as to tell us the one reason, my old friend?" Dumbledore said brightly, obviously playing confused for Lily's sake.

"Miss Evans will stay away from my son because she cares for him, just as my son cares for her," Charlus said happily, as if that fact gave him an incredible amount of joy.

"I beg your pardon?" Lily stammered, shocked at Charlus's words.

"James has not once spoken out against me, no matter how much he disagreed with me. But when it came to you, he made sure I knew his thoughts, he made sure that I knew how wrong I had been. He would not have done that if he didn't have deep feelings for you," Charlus explained, and his smile grew wider. "I couldn't be happier for the two of you. However," his smile faded and he seemed apologetic, "I'd rather have the two of you living and apart than dead and together."

"Charlus, that's not the best logic," Dumbledore interjected, but Lily shook her head.

"I hate to admit this, but Mr. Potter is right." Dumbledore frowned at her.

"Lily, you do realize that if you distance yourself from James your memories may never return?" Lily nodded carefully, but a smile appeared on her face.

"That's not true. I have no intention of keeping James in the dark. I'll tell him about the threats, and I'll tell him how I feel," she said with a wide grin.

"But Miss Evans! If you tell James those things he'll never stay away from you! He'll do his utmost best to thwart you!" Charlus protested. Dumbledore, however, was smiling widely. Lily looked at Charlus carefully, her smile intact.

"Whatever do you mean, Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore chuckled heartily at her words, and he ignored Charlus's protests.

"Come now, Charlus. Have a lemon drop," he said, holding out his pack of candy. Charlus Potter looked at them both and he shook his head.

"You train them well, Albus," he said bitterly before sweeping out of the office without a look back. Lily, however, smiled and nodded.

"It's a miracle, Professor! That's the second time I've agreed with Mr. Potter in five minutes!" she said with a laugh, and Fawkes let out another trill. She felt indebted to the phoenix at that moment; she was sure that without his presence and his song, she would have let her emotions get the best of her long ago.

XXX

Sirius grinned at James and clapped him on the back.

"You did great. Best game I've ever seen! Absolutely walloped Hufflepuff, you did!" he said, laughing. James ran his fingers through his hair, and if Sirius didn't know him, he would have thought that James was trying to look cool. In reality, James was uncomfortable—he had helped bring about a victory for his team and he was receiving too much attention.

James thrived on attention only when he asked for it. Otherwise, he didn't want it.

"It was Corinne who caught the Snitch. She was the one who won the game." Sirius rolled his eyes as the other Gryffindors started cheering for their new Seeker. She was a new find, Corrine Edgars. Shy and introverted, the girl had refused to try out in her previous four years at Hogwarts, but James had caught her playing and had forced her to try out.

It turned out that James had made a very good choice.

Of course, Sirius was bored of this game Corinne and James were playing. Someone would praise one of them, and they'd immediately deflect the praise to each other. A seventh year had asked Corrine how she had gotten so good at only fifteen and she had responded with a shy, "It's all thanks to James, really."

It was annoying.

But Sirius decided to put all that aside as he handed James a butterbeer that Peter had smuggled in for the party in the Gryffindor common room. He poked James in the side and gave him a slight frown. "Don't be so modest, mate, people will wonder where James went." James laughed.

"We actually beat Hufflepuff!" James said excitedly, his cheeks turning slightly pink. Remus snorted from behind them.

"I remember someone saying that Hufflepuff was a breeze, so why are you so happy you won?" James rolled his eyes.

"Because _I'm_ Captain. I have to pretend every game is tough, otherwise we're bound to lose!" Sirius frowned.

"I don't get it," he said slowly, looking to Remus for an explanation. Remus, however, just shrugged.

"Don't look at me! Your brains don't work like the rest of ours do." Sirius gasped.

"I feel as if you've just insulted me and James! How could you!" he cried. Remus opened his mouth to retort, but James held up a hand.

"Where's Lily?" he asked.

"Who knows? Forced _me_ to go to the Quidditch game, but she didn't bother going herself. When you find her, tell her I'm angry," Mary called from several feet away. As Sirius wondered where Lily could have gone, James turned around and began walking towards the portrait hole.

"Where're you going?" Sirius called, despite having a very good idea. James didn't even bother answering.

XXX

He had been searching for her for almost half an hour—he wished he had actually thought to get the Map from Remus—before he finally found her out on the grounds, sitting near the lake with her knees drawn up to her chest. The wind was blowing her hair into her face, but Lily was paying it no mind; it was as if she had seen something entrancing in the water, and she refused to look away for fear of losing it completely.

James walked up to her silently, and he sat next to her without a word. Without knowing how he knew, he could tell that there was something dreadfully wrong. There was something about the look on her face that made James realize he would not like the conversation that was inevitably coming his way.

And so he remained silent, wanting to prolong his peace with Lily as long as he could. Yet, she had different ideas.

"I hear Gryffindor won the match," she said softly, not looking at him. One particular gust of wind blew her hair towards his face, and for a brief moment he could smell her shampoo—some sort of flowery scent. It was fitting, he thought idly. It was pure Lily.

"Yeah, we won. You didn't see it?" The question was pointless, they both realized that. James knew she hadn't been there, and she knew that James already had his answer. But she continued the charade, much to James's delight.

Prolong his peace.

"Oh no, I wasn't able to. I was with Professor Dumbledore, and then I took a walk." Her voice was soft, and she still wasn't quite looking at him. Her head was tilted towards him, but her eyes were distant, focused on something only she could see. James swallowed, a sense of foreboding filling him.

"What did Dumbledore want with you?" he asked, acting in a manner completely opposite from Lily. She looked away, but his eyes were focused on her completely; she wanted to skirt around the issue, he wanted to know what was going on. "Did you discuss your memories?" Lily ignored his question.

"Your father was there as well. He wanted to speak with me." James had to strain to hear her. It was almost as if she didn't want him to hear what she had to say. She wanted to keep him in the dark. Nonetheless, James's eyes widened in surprise.

"My father? What did he want to say to you?" Anger replaced his previous foreboding, and he found himself fingering his wand. Lily either didn't notice his sudden change in tone, or she just didn't care. She shifted slightly, finally turning her head to look at him. James nearly gasped; her eyes were red and swollen, as if she'd spent many hours crying. He was surprised he had not noticed it before, but then realized that the elusive object she saw in the lake had been nothing but a ploy to keep him from noticing her tears. She immediately turned back to the lake.

"He's asked me to stay away from you." Her words were simple enough, her tone very calm, but James found himself completely confused. He didn't understand what she meant. He frowned and leaned back slightly, placing all his weight on the palms of his hands.

"My father…asked you…to what?" Lily shrugged, a gesture that James took to mean that she too was confused.

"You were attacked because of me."

"That's bullocks."

"James," Lily said admonishingly. She seemed strangely irritated now, and James couldn't understand why. "Apparently a week before you were attacked, your father got a threat saying that you needed to stay away from me. He ignored it, and you nearly died."

"Who sent the threat?" James hissed angrily, unable to believe his father would keep something like this from him.

"Death Eaters." Lily turned back to the lake, her shoulders quivering. James idly wondered if she was cold.

"Why would Death Eaters care about you and me? I mean, they've never cared about relationships before," James said logically. It was true. Plenty of muggleborns were in relationships with purebloods. It was common enough; everyone knew that without muggleborns, magic probably would have died out. Despite all Voldemort preached, he wasn't stupid enough to eradicate the muggleborns. Whether or not he liked it, he knew that he needed them.

"It's not the relationship, James," Lily said impatiently. "It's you. You're a Potter. Your family has great influence in the Ministry. Mr. Potter thinks this is a way for Voldemort to force him to cave."

"That makes no sense, why would my father cave?"

"Because Voldemort is threatening your happiness, _your _life. Your father isn't willing to lose you." A certain harshness had crept up into her voice, and James realized suddenly that she was keeping something from him. There was no doubt that she knew something more, but was unwilling to reveal it. He felt as if she was lying to him. James suppressed a groan. Hadn't they passed this game of keeping secrets?

"If Voldemort is threatening my life, he'll kill me anyway. Even if we do give in to their demands. You must see that this is insane!" James said, hoping to knock some sense into her. He had finally understood what was going on, and he wasn't about to let her get away with it without a fight.

"I don't care!" Lily cried. "If the situation was reversed, you _know_ you'd do the same!" James shook his head frantically, despite knowing he was lying. Of course he'd do anything to keep her safe, but that wasn't the point… "Don't be so hypocritical, James. You know you'd push me away the moment you heard about the threats against me. Hell, you'd do the same to Sirius, or Remus. You wouldn't care how unhappy you were, as long as you were keeping the ones you love safe."

"It's not the same, Lily!" James said angrily, fully aware of how stupid he sounded. Damn her for always being right. "It's just not the same."

"It is the same, and you know it. Please, James," she begged, though James wasn't sure what she was asking for.

"Please what?" he snapped. "Please make this as easy as I can for you? Please let you do this without a fight? Please what, Lily?" A single tear rolled down her cheek as she shook her head frantically, her eyes _still_ on the damn lake.

"Please don't hate me," she said softly, wiping furiously at her eyes. James felt all the air in his lungs leave him, but it was from anger, not anguish.

"How dare you!" he said angrily. "Hate you? Dammit, Lily, where the hell have you been? If I hated you d'you honestly think I'd sit here and try to convince you to _not_ be so stupid?" Lily's shoulders stiffened, and her fists clenched.

"Stupid? _I'm_ being stupid? For listening to the Headmaster? For agreeing with your father? For choosing _your_ safety over what I want? I don't want to do this, James. I have no choice!"

"Yes, you do! You have the choice. And you're choosing to push me away, just like you've been doing all year. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being pushed away." She just shook her head, a touch of anger in her expression—at least from what he could see. He couldn't be sure, because the lake still had more of her attention than he did. If anything, that just made him even angrier.

"Would you have preferred I just started ignoring you, without telling you anything? At least I told you what's going on, James! That's much better than your father!"

"Don't bring him into this! It's not like you even care what he says," James yelled, standing up in his frustration. He was tired of this. He was tired of pining after her. He was tired of all her baggage. And yet, he was still willing to go through it all. Again and again.

What kind of idiot did that make him?

"You're right, I don't care what he says. But I care about you, and I'll be damned before I'll let anything happen to you!" James was momentarily stumped by her words. She said flat out that she cared about him. That was the first time she had admitted such a thing…James shook himself out of his daze. He couldn't go soft on her now. He needed to make her see how much pain she constantly put him through.

"Oh, you _care_ about me, do you? That's smashing. Really, it's quite brilliant."

"Don't be so sarcastic, James!" Lily pleaded, seemingly upset that he had waved off her feelings so easily.

"Look at me, Lily," he said softly. Lily ignored him. "Please, look at me." Still she ignored him. "Lily, look at me!" he finally said rather angrily. He felt dirty when she flinched, and made a note to never raise his voice when speaking to her again. Of course, when Lily finally turned to look at him, her green eyes shining brightly in the moonlight, James thought that it was worth it. "Tell me. Please, let me hear it."

"Hear what?" she asked, her chin jutting out stubbornly. He felt another surge of guilt for yelling, and then a surge of pride for her. Despite everything—his tone of voice, his anger, and his volume—she still looked him in the eye, not the slightest bit of fear on her face. All he saw was determination, and something else—something he had never noticed when she looked at him—something he didn't really understand.

"You know how I feel. Now I want to know how you feel." Lily's eyes softened almost immediately, her shoulders relaxed, and a slight smile appeared on her lips. It was such a drastic change from minutes before that James actually had to blink in order to make sure he wasn't going insane.

"Do you honestly think I would bother listening to Mr. _Charlus Potter_," she said the name in distaste, "if I didn't love you?" James blinked again. Was he dreaming, or had she really just said she loved him? A goofy smile appeared on his face, and all his anger suddenly washed away.

"What? I didn't hear you, could you repeat that?"

"I love you?" Lily said uncertainly. James gasped and immediately looked to the sky.

"Is the world ending? Did Snape finally wash his hair? Did Sirius just grow a brain?" he said theatrically, placing his hand over his hear. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Shut up, you prat," she said, but there was a slight smile on her face. James winked at her before walking towards the lake and squatting down.

"You hear that, giant squid? She'd rather have me over you, after all! Bad luck, mate." He then laughed, throwing himself back and laying on the grass, a sense of happiness washing over him. Lily stared at him as if he were insane, which in all honesty, he might have been.

"So, no 'I love you, too, Lily?' moments? You're just going to leave it at that?" Lily asked him, scooting over so that she was closer to him. James knew that their previous conversation was far from over, and he knew that Lily was going to be stupid and try and push him away, but he had just found out that she loved him. He could deal with the rest of that once his euphoria died away. James grinned at her.

"I thought you should have a taste of your own medicine," he explained, laughing when she rolled her eyes. There was a pause and then Lily gave him a sad look.

"I'm still going through with it."

"I know. You wouldn't be Lily otherwise," he said, sighing.

"Are you mad?"

"Yes, but you're right about one thing. I would do the same for you."

"You're not going to make this easy, are you?" James grinned, _loving_ that she knew him so well.

"Well, Lily, I wouldn't be a Marauder otherwise." He heard her groan but he ignored it. Instead, he closed his eyes, happily thinking of ways to sabotage Lily's stupid plan.

XXX

"You'll never know if she fancies you if you don't _talk_ to her," Sirius moaned, rolling his eyes. Remus, of course, continued exactly what he had been doing for the past half hour—fiddling his thumbs as he stared at the back of Jen Stone's head.

"Who is she anyway?" James asked, trying to get a good look at the girl who had turned Remus into a pile of mush. All he knew was that she was incredibly smart, she was a Prefect, and she was muggleborn.

When he had first heard that, James thought Remus fancied Lily. Of course, it was only an hour of angst later that he found out about Jennifer.

"She would never like me, it doesn't matter," Remus said sadly. He had been acting strange since the rest of the student body had returned from their holidays, and though James knew it was because of Jennifer, he was really quite miffed. It meant he had no one to tell about his New Year's kiss or Lily telling him that she loved him. Peter was too immature, Sirius would scoff, and Frank would get too emotional. Remus was his best bet, but he was star struck.

By a Ravenclaw.

James shuddered to think how much time Remus would have to spend in the library if he ever dated the Stone girl.

"James, you do realize Lily practically _lives_ in the library, right?" Sirius laughed, and James blushed, finding that he had spoken aloud.

"Yes, but Lily, um, well," he stopped and looked at Sirius in shock. "Merlin. She does, doesn't she?" he said in horror. Remus gave him an odd look as Sirius burst into laughter. Only Peter seemed unaffected by what was being said. He was looking at Remus oddly.

"I think you should just tell her how you feel," he said wisely. Sirius stopped laughing and seemed shocked that Peter had spoken. James was trying to suppress his laughter, but it was becoming quite hard. Remus just seemed…dazed.

"I-I usually give out the advice," he said slowly, and James could no longer hold it in. He snorted into his pudding.

"It seems Peter has taken up your job, Remus. How does that feel?" James asked, trying to be serious. Remus scowled at him.

"All of you shut up," he snapped before grabbing his bag and stalking off. Sirius and Peter frowned, but James nodded in understanding.

"He really likes her," he said. Sirius groaned.

"Great. Just what I needed, another James." Peter laughed but James bristled.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked angrily. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"'Lily will never like me!'" he said in a high-pitched voice, "'She'll hate me forever! Why can't she just give me a chance?'"

"I do not talk that way!" James yelled though he knew he probably did. How embarrassing.

XXX

"Are the two of you fighting?" _Sort of._

"No, of course not."

"But, Lily, you're not even talking to him!" _I know that._

"That's not true, Alice. Let it go."

"You are fighting, aren't you?" _Yes?_

"No."

"What did you do, Lily?" _Good Lord, you know me so well!_

"What makes you think _I_ did something?"

"Because it's usually your fault when you and James get in a fight." _That's true. Huh. _

"That's not true! What about the time James kissed Kate?"

"Well, I suppose…wait a moment…" _Whoops. Didn't mean to say that._

"Did we have Potions homework? I'm sure we did—"

"Don't you dare change the subject! You got your memories back!" _Ha. Funny story…_

"No, no. That's absurd."

"Then how do you remember James kissing Kate?" _I'm psychic?_

"I'm psychic. I saw it in your mind."

"Lily, you're an idiot." _I know!_

"What?"

"You told him how you feel. So why aren't the two of you together?" _Because I'm an idiot._

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You know, if I was James, I'd have ditched you a long time ago. You're absolutely barmy." _Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha. _

"You know, if I was Frank, I'd…_damn_, I have nothing."

"Why don't the two of you just snog and stop being so stupid?" _Mary has been talking to you, hasn't she? _

"What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"One that wants a good snog from James." _Merlin, you know me well. _

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Your new mantra, Lily?" _Yes._

"No."

"Well, I suppose it beats, _I'm so blind that I don't even see I'm in denial_." _Oh, you're _so_ funny, aren't you?_

"I don't recall ever saying such a thing."

"Of course you wouldn't." _Good point._ _Huh._

XXX

At first it was subtle, and none of them noticed. It never took too long, and everything was back to normal within the hour. However, as the days went by, it was more and more noticeable until, finally, one of them cracked.

"Where is she?" Mary snapped from her seat in front of the fire. She was throwing pieces of parchment into the flames almost angrily, a scowl firmly planted on her features.

"Said she needed to go to the library," James answered tonelessly, groaning when Sirius's bishop annihilated his knight.

"Rubbish," Alice and Mary said together.

"What d'you think she's doing, MacDonald?" Sirius asked wearily. "It's _Lily_. It's not like she's doing something against the rules."

"She could be seeing someone," Peter supplied, cowering when James sent him a glare.

"I highly doubt that, Wormtail. Now, if you don't mind, keep those kinds of thoughts to yourself unless you want Prongs here to have a heart attack," Remus said calmly. He wasn't worried in the least about what Lily was up to, but he did admit he was rather curious. Lily wasn't a very secretive person—whatever she was doing had to be important if she was keeping it from the others.

"I would not have a heart attack!" James exclaimed, grinning widely when his queen struck down the bishop that had been giving him so much trouble. Mary rolled her eyes, but the others just ignored his comment.

"I think it's none of our business," Frank said with a shrug, ignoring his girlfriend's shocked look. "If Lily wanted us to know, she'd tell us. After all, she's not obligated to tell us everything that goes on."

"Yes, but when she's missing for hours on end, without an explanation, and then continuously _lies_ about where she was—"

"We don't know if she actually is lying," Remus interrupted Mary. "We can't just assume. Besides, Frank is right. It's none of our business." Mary opened her mouth to argue, but Remus spoke over her. "We're not her parents. We can't keep mothering her, Mary," Remus said calmly, slightly surprised when James—the one person who he was sure wouldn't stand for it—nodded and rolled his eyes.

"Lily's just being stupid, that's all." Remus frowned at the statement and the certainty with which it was delivered.

"You know something?" Mary asked with narrowed eyes.

"It's simple, really. She's avoiding me," he said, puffing out his chest. To Remus's surprise, Alice and Mary just snorted.

"Sorry to disappoint you, James, but that's not it at all," Alice grinned.

"If anything, she would _love_ to spend more time with you," Mary continued, putting far too much emphasis on 'love.' Remus suddenly realized that there was something James hadn't told them.

"But—"

"How many times do I have to tell you to listen to what she _doesn't _say?" Alice said with a laugh.

XXX

Uncomfortable wasn't a strong enough word for how she was feeling at that moment. Perhaps awkward? But no, it was more than that. It was confining, as if she had been tied to the chair she was sitting in. How desperately she wished to rush off!

Curse Slughorn…

"Pass the armadillo bile," Severus said tonelessly, holding his hand out. The cauldron that sat between the two of them was boiling away, a vivid green. Lily grimaced at the slight smell it gave off before handing Severus the bile.

"Just three drops," she reminded him, and he rolled his eyes.

"I know," he said, but it was without malice. He added the three drops, and his lips curled in a smile when the potion turned bright blue. "Perfect," he said under his breath.

"That's enough for today," Lily said quietly, checking her watch. Severus looked at her in disgust.

"We're so close to finishing! We can finally give Slughorn the finished potion, and you want to _leave_?" Lily looked straight into his eyes.

"Professor Slughorn put _me_ in charge, Severus. You'd do well to remember that. And I think that's enough for today." Severus gave her a glare, but he began to pack his supplies nonetheless.

"I suppose you want to get to your boyfriend," he said bitterly. Lily frowned at him, but didn't rise to the bait. "I mean, I shouldn't have expected anything less. You gave up your best friend for him," Severus tried again. This time, Lily's fists clenched and Severus smirked in victory.

"You have a lot of nerve, Severus. You gave up our friendship, not me."

"Oh?" Severus snapped. "Who was it then that told me we were finished? That asked me to stay away?"

"Oh please, you had made your choice long before I said anything."

"Made my choice? Lily, you should be _glad_ that I'm even being considered to serve _him_. Do you know how much we could change?" Severus's eyes glowed brightly for a moment, as if he was lost in dreams. Lily snorted.

"Other than ruining lives, tearing families apart, and setting friend against friend? Oh, yes, I can see why Voldemort is so appealing," she said sarcastically. He sneered at her, the glow disappearing to be replaced by anger.

"The Dark Lord is going to create a world where influence and money doesn't matter, Lily! We'll live in the world where talent and intelligence, not family name, determine the great! You should be grateful!" Lily looked at him in disbelief. This wasn't poor decision making, this wasn't just a big mistake. Severus honestly seemed to believe the rubbish he was being fed by the Death Eaters.

"Grateful? You're joking right?" Lily snapped, taking a step closer to Severus, unable to read him, to understand what he was thinking, as she once could. "My parents are dead because of Death Eaters. I'm targeted just because of my birth. Voldemort is nothing but a tyrant. He has no ideals, Severus, and he will cast you away once he no longer needs you. And you think he's helping build a better world?" Severus looked at her stubbornly.

"I do." With those two words, any hope that she had stubbornly stashed away in her heart that one day she'd have her old best friend back washed away. Severus was gone, as far as she was concerned, and once this project for Slughorn was over, she'd never give him a second thought.

It hurt, though. No matter how much she wished it wouldn't.

"One day—maybe a month from now, or even years—you're going to see that Voldemort doesn't care for the talented or the intelligent, that all he's looking for is people to use so that he can get power. And when you see that, when you realize that you made a mistake, I hope it's not too late." She stepped away from him and gave him a sad smile.

"Too late? You mean you'd still be my friend? That you'd _forgive_ me?" Lily couldn't tell if he thought that such a thing was absurd or if he was just surprised. She didn't even know if he wanted her forgiveness, her friendship. Maybe he just thought her a silly little girl. Lily shook her head slowly.

"Oh no, I'm afraid I couldn't do that. I meant what I said, you've chosen your way, and I've chosen mine." His sneer returned.

"You once said that you'd _always_ hate Potter. That he was an arrogant toerag. You seemed eager to give him a chance," he spit out. Lily wondered if Severus was _jealous_. Not just of James—he'd always somewhat envied James, she knew that—but of the relationship she had with the messy-haired boy. She laughed to herself; that was ridiculous. Why would Severus care how she felt about James?

_Severus was staring at her oddly, his eyes blank_…

_Alice and Kate argued that Severus didn't like it when she spent time with other boys…_

_He watched her almost greedily, unaware that she knew what he was doing, and was beginning to feel uncomfortable…_

_Severus yelling that he wouldn't let her be fooled by James..._

Lily briefly closed her eyes as the memories from last year—which had been locked away for so long—rose to the surface. Suddenly she wanted to rush off, to be anywhere but with Severus, to feel comforted and safe. She realized that she wanted James.

How odd that this time last year, the opposite would have held true.

"I gave you many chances, Sev. You threw them all away." An odd expression formed on Severus's face at the use of his nickname. It was a combination of anger and contentment, and Lily just didn't understand. Nor did she want to. Slowly, Lily turned to leave the classroom, elated that she was putting distance between herself and her former best friend, but then Severus spoke.

"You abandoned me, Lily. Where else could I turn to?" he said, and guilt and shame filled her to the core. Had she really been the final push, that one event that threw Severus off the ledge? Had she tried harder, stood by him, would he still be teetering? Would he be leaning towards her? Tears threatened to spill, but she refused to show weakness.

"You abandoned me, Sev. Not the other way around." And even as she left the classroom, rushed up the stairs towards Gryffindor tower without glancing back, a part of her—a very big part of her—realized that Severus was right.

Everyone was angry with Kate because of _her_.

Severus had chosen the Death Eaters because of _her._

James's life was being dictated for him _because of her_.

In that moment, Lily realized that there must be something wrong with her, because no one caused their loved ones this much pain without being completely messed up.

XXX

"You want to tell us where you've been?" Mary asked when Lily walked past where they sat. She briefly turned to look at them, and her red-rimmed eyes surprised James. Lily wasn't much of a crier, and this was the second time in only a week that she seemed as if she had just had a good long cry.

"Lily?" Remus said tentatively, obviously worried. Lily blinked twice, and then looked determinedly at Sirius and Remus.

"I need to talk to you two." Neither boy moved, and Lily's face flushed with anger. "As in right now," she snapped. Remus was the first to stand up, pulling a shocked looking Sirius along with him. Mary seemed offended.

"You're just going to ignore me?" she asked, and Lily flashed her a brief grin.

"Yep. For now. I'll tell you exactly where I was later, alright?" Mary seemed mutinous for a moment, but then she rolled her eyes in obvious content. Next thing James knew, Lily had dragged his two best friends out of the common room and Mary was humming away happily.

He turned back to the chessboard, wondering how he could cheat without Sirius noticing when he came back.

XXX

Remus walked down the corridor with his hands thrust deeply into his pockets. In all his years of knowing her, she had never lost control the way she had as she talked to them. Lily had a certain manner about her; though she wasn't afraid of showing anger, she kept most of her emotions bottled up. Remus understood why she did it, after all, he used the same defense mechanism. She did it to prevent getting hurt, he did it because he was far too used to being ostracized. It was odd, really, how quickly she just…broke down.

_If you want to help Regulus, you had better do it soon, Sirius,_ she had said the moment she was sure they were alone. She had then begun babbling about how Death Eaters only ruined lives, how all of them had an IQ less than a peanut's, and how they all deserved a cell in Azkaban with no chance of ever leaving. And then she had begun shaking. _All my fault_, she whispered under her breath, only barely loud enough for Remus and Sirius to hear her.

At that point, Sirius had tried to comfort her, but Lily seemed almost hysterical. Tears were pouring down her face, and she was shaking like mad, as if unable to grasp something horrendous. She hadn't even acted that way when her parents had died. It was frightening, really.

Of course, Lily had saved the best bit for last. She looked up and she seemed crushed. _You were right, _she had said slowly, _he's evil and he's never going to change._ Remus, though he knew who she must have been talking about, left her alone with Sirius at that point. Sirius would be able to help far better than he could. And so here he was, walking the corridors aimlessly, wondering why all his friends—and he himself—had so much drama in their lives. Why couldn't they be normal teenagers with normal problems? Why did they have to deal with death, betrayal, _Voldemort_?

Not everyone had to grow up as quickly as Lily was forced to—not everyone saw the worst the world had to offer as a thirteen year old. Not everyone went through hell and back every month. Not many could say they had friends who'd risk everything to make that hell a little more bearable.

What he wouldn't give for the sense of normalcy, to worry only about if he could find a date to Hogsmeade, or if he had done well on his last Charms assignment.

"Remus, watch out!" someone called just as the wall suddenly decided to smack right into him. He fell to the ground, groaning in pain. "Merlin, are you alright?" the same person said as very soft hands helped him up. Remus blinked several times and tried to focus on the person in front of him.

"J-Jennifer?" he stammered, mortified that the person who'd see his fall from grace would be his crush.

"I'd give you a ten for the crash, but your landing needs work," she joked, grinning slightly at him. Remus chuckled as he rubbed his head. "Is there any reason you're running into walls?" she asked.

"I didn't do it on purpose," he protested. "I'm just preoccupied, that's all."

"Ah, yes. Preoccupation. Dangerous thing, it is," Jennifer said, shifting her school bag slightly on her shoulder. Remus wished he wouldn't blush, but it was to no avail. He could feel the back his neck heat up…

"You try dealing with the likes of Lily and James," he joked, and Jennifer giggled.

"I'm sorry! I didn't realize how awful it must be for you."

"You have no idea. Between James's rants and Lily's worries, I never get a peaceful moment." Did he feel bad that he was blatantly lying to her? Not really.

Jennifer Stone was a girl who resembled Lily in many ways. She didn't care about make-up and dressing up, she spent far more time in the library than was strictly necessary, and she had this aura about her, one that clearly said she wasn't someone to cross. She wasn't beautiful, but she was pretty, with long brown hair, and dark expressive eyes. Yet to Remus, she was incredibly attractive.

That thought made him wonder why he had always seen Lily as a good friend, as a sister, but he saw Jennifer in this light. They were so similar!

"So Lily's still being stubborn?" Jennifer asked him. Remus frowned.

"What d'you mean?"

"Oh, come on. The whole school knows that James fancies her! They'd make such a cute couple, don't you think?" she gushed, and her high voice and girly clapping nearly made him wince. _That_ he didn't like.

"I think they work together. I don't know about cute…" he trailed off at her surprised look. "They're definitely a great…and _cute_…couple." Jennifer smiled widely and she laughed. Again, he wondered why he was so attracted to her, why he liked her so much.

She was smart, yes, and she hated You-Know-Who. She wanted to work in the Ministry, and she was one of the nicest people he knew. She was funny for Merlin's sake! What else could he ask for?

_She's generic. _James's voice flooded through his mind, and he groaned, making Jennifer look at his head in concern. In that moment, Remus realized that no matter how insane his friends were, how many problems they had, he was lucky to have them, better off. Even if he couldn't say he had a normal life, a life someone like Jennifer Stone enjoyed, he wouldn't have it any other way.

After all, compared to his friends—his insane, quirky, odd, completely addled friends—everyone was else was just _generic_. And _in that moment_, Remus realized why he fancied Jennifer in the first place.

"Jennifer, would you, um, you know—" Her smile was wide and bright as she nodded, and Remus couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt somewhere in his chest. Somewhat towards the upper left side…


	19. The Game is On

Chapter Nineteen- The Game is On

"What are we doing, James?" Mary asked him with irritation. James flashed her a quick grin and held up a bag. Mary blinked before sighing. "Fine. I'll humor you." She straightened her shoulders and cleared her throat. "Oh, James, whatever is in that odd looking bag?" she said in a high voice, obviously mocking him. James didn't bother with witty retorts—though he had several up his sleeve. Instead, he opened the bag and held it out for her to see. "Mistletoe. Your _brilliant_ idea, that you woke me up at the crack of dawn for, is _mistletoe_!" James wondered why she seemed angry.

"It's a good plan!" he said defensively. Mary held up a hand and closed her eyes, strongly resembling someone who was attempting—with great difficulty—to not smack him up top the head. It was a look he was rather familiar with; Lily had given it to him all the time in third year—she had eased up by the beginning of fourth year. He wondered if it was something girls practiced before they went to bed, after all, they all seemed to know how to do it. Even his mother…

"Let me get this straight," Mary began, interrupting his thought process. "Lily admits to you that she _lurves_ you," at that point Mary giggled before continuing, "and yet she claims she wants to stay away from you because—"

"—because she's an idiot," James finished for her, but Mary was oddly unimpressed.

"—because of something or other that your father and Dumbledore told her. And so, instead of telling her _how you feel_, you tell her—"

"—that I'm going to sabotage her stupid plan to stay away from me." Again, Mary seemed upset, but her lips did curve upwards slightly. James felt rather satisfied that he managed to make her smile.

"Right. And so, after days of _planning_, you wait until two days before her birthday to tell me that your bright idea is mistletoe?"

"I think it's a good plan."

"It's not even Christmas!" Mary yelled at him, smacking him up top of the head. James gave her an offended look.

"Mistletoe isn't just for Christmas, you know. As long as it's cold and there's snow, I think it's fair game," he explained. Mary's nose crinkled slightly in what seemed to be distaste, but he couldn't be sure. This was another look that he got very often, mostly from his professors.

"Remind me why I'm here and not someone else—anyone else?" Mary asked, pinching the bridge of her nose. James blinked, confused.

"Well, I thought it would be best if I stayed far away from Kate, considering the fiasco from earlier this year, and Alice had plans with Frank…so it left you?"

"Why not Remus, or Sirius, or Peter?" Mary asked desperately. James frowned at her, still confused.

"I needed a female's perspective," he stated simply. Mary sighed and she rolled her eyes.

"This idea won't work. Lily won't come within ten feet of you. Remember that second year Hufflepuff when we were in fourth year?"

"Oh yeah, that was funny! Followed Lily around everywhere, she did. 'I want to be just like you, Lily!'" James said, imitating the younger girl's voice. Mary scowled, and smacked him again.

"The point being that Lily is a master of staying away from people she doesn't want to be around."

"And the point of that being…?" James asked, honestly confused. Mary looked at him with a pitying expression, and she shook her head slightly.

"She _will_ avoid you like the damn plague, you helpless idiot," Mary said rather slowly, as if speaking to a small child. James, however, just grinned. Mary was so sure this wouldn't work…

"I know, and I got it all figured out. _You'll _trick her into standing below the mistletoe as I hide, and then I'll—" Mary held up a hand and she shook her head frantically.

"I don't even want to hear how you're planning to jump her," Mary said wearily. It was James's turn to shake his head frantically, but Mary merely ignored him. "What are you doing for her birthday?"

"Birthday?" he repeated rather stupidly. It wasn't as if he hadn't known her birthday was coming up, or that he hadn't been planning anything. In fact, he was going to throw her a rather spiffy party like last year, and perhaps make the Joke Parchment Part Two. He figured she'd need more laughs…

"Yes, her birthday. You want to make her plan go down the drain?" James nodded excitedly. "Then do something very nice for her birthday. Buy her something nice, do something very thoughtful—do _not_ give her a piece of parchment with fart jokes."

"But she told me she liked it!" James protested. Mary crinkled her nose in disgust once more.

"That's what's really sad. Lily does like the stupid present. She says it's funny, but personally, I think she likes it because _you_ were the one to give it to her." James sported a silly grin at that point. Ha! Lily had liked his present! And his mother told him he was absolutely hopeless with giving gifts… "You're so hopeless with giving gifts," Mary informed him. James felt shocked, wondering stupidly if Mary had been spending time with his mother.

"If she liked it, it's not hopeless, now is it?" James snapped, suddenly slightly angry. Mary ignored his tone and rolled her eyes.

"All I'm saying is that you should give up on this mistletoe idea and get her something really nice for her birthday. Something she'd _love_, not just like. Do you understand?" James nodded slowly, realizing he would have to sneak down to Hogsmeade soon.

"What do you think she'd like?" James asked as dozens of things flashed through his mind. A book? That was stupid. Jewelry? He didn't exactly know her taste. Perhaps Honeydukes? Ah, too cliché and boring!

"You're the one that loves her. You tell me what she'd like." James blinked, but then he grinned.

"Mary," he said happily, "you're absolutely brilliant!" He dropped his bag of mistletoe and rushed past her, intent on getting to work on Lily's present. Behind him, Mary bent forward to pick up the bag.

"I'll just throw this away, shall I," she said loudly. James immediately ran back and snatched the bag from her.

"No! I still plan on doing the mistletoe thing!" he cried. Mary didn't seem surprised.

XXX

"Lily, I'm bored. Can we just go back to the common room?" Kate asked miserably, giving her textbook a glare. Lily just turned the page of the book she was reading, and paid Kate no mind. "I get it, school is important, but none of this is even due until next week! And it's your birthday! You should relax on your birthday, not _study_." She said the word with disgust, and Lily snorted.

"If you're so bored, you can go," she said in a whisper, not wanting Madame Pince to have any reason to yell at her the way she'd been yelling at the two first year boys who had been 'breathing too loud.' Then again, Lily conceded that Pince had a good point; no one needed to breathe _that_ loudly.

"I can't go without you!" Kate cried, pretending to be offended that Lily would even dare suggest such a thing.

"Yes, you can. Go ahead, I'll be along soon," Lily said quietly, practically pleading Kate to leave. The girl was a good friend, but Merlin, was she _loud_. It must be a Quidditch thing, Lily thought idly, her mind going back to how loud the team was for days after winning the match against Hufflepuff. She was as happy as any other Gryffindor that they had won, but really? Screaming, 'We won, we won!' in the middle of the Great Hall at every meal for nearly a week wasn't the way to celebrate. And it wasn't as if McGonagall was trying to stop any of them. After all, _she _had joined in the chant, causing the other professors to roll their eyes.

"You're ranting in your head again, aren't you? C'mon, Lily, let the chant thing go, we all apologized to Professor Sprout the next day!"

"I'm not ranting!" Lily protested, feeling stupid when Kate just gave her a look. "Fine, I was ranting a little," she muttered. Kate grinned victoriously as she packed up her things and stood.

"Be quick, all right?" she said with a wave. Lily just nodded, not really paying attention.

She was officially seventeen. The Trace that was on her was now gone, she could perform magic on her own outside of Hogwarts, and she was considered a legal adult in the wizarding world. Dumbledore no longer had to go after her affairs; it was her own responsibility now.

Doggedly, Lily shut her textbooks, but then threw them into her bag carelessly. She left the library at a slow pace, not really wanting to go to Gryffindor tower, where she knew her friends were planning something, but not knowing where else to go. So she just walked aimlessly, thinking.

Her memories had completely returned. It wasn't an all at once sort of thing—they came back gradually, and were always accompanied with a raging headache. And though the pain had been excruciating, just as the Headmaster had told her—she thought it was worth it. Even Dumbledore had agreed with her.

Thinking about the Headmaster, however, made Lily wince. After Charlus had left, she had talked to him some more, and he had explained much of Charlus Potter's worries, and why Voldemort was so keen on making him squirm. Every word she had spoken to James out by the lake was true—so what if she left a lot out? So what that the reason she left it out was because she didn't want James being rude to the Headmaster? So what if Dumbledore had never told her why he had asked her to wait, and she no longer cared about the reason?

So what if she was knowingly being manipulated—by the Headmaster _and_ Charlus Potter?

Lily sighed, slipped into an empty classroom and dropped her bag to the floor. The desks were all rather dusty, so it was obvious that the room hadn't been used in ages, but Lily still closed and locked the door. All she wanted was to be alone, she realized sadly. The fact that it was her birthday made it really hard, though.

Professor Dumbledore had wished her a happy birthday that morning, when she was passing by on her way to class, and that had caused some sort of chain reaction. Slughorn had decided that he needed to give her a 'special treat,' and had the class brew one of the more difficult potions in the textbook because he knew she would enjoy the challenge. Other than Alice and Mary, the rest of the class had groaned a simultaneous, "Thanks a lot, Evans." Even Sirius and Remus had chimed in, though they had been joking—at least, she thought that was what the identical grins meant.

It wasn't just professors, though. Several students had come up to her to wish her a happy birthday, one even stating that it _must _be a big deal if Dumbledore himself had wished her a happy birthday. No one would listen to her protests, no one cared that all she wanted was to be left alone, no one heeded her pleas to _not_ wish her a happy birthday, to treat it like any other day…no one, at least, but James.

And for some strange reason, that grated on her nerves.

She knew she shouldn't feel that way, but she couldn't help it. After all, it was just common decency to wish the girl who admitted she loved you a happy birthday. How hard would it have been for James to say those two words? Why did he decide to listen to her now? What happened to his 'I'm going to sabotage you,' plan? And why in the world did she feel this way when she _knew_ that this is what she had wanted?

Lily groaned, leaning against one of the dusty desks. Was this what she wanted? She wanted to keep James safe, but she felt idiotic. Maybe he was right, maybe it didn't matter what she did, maybe the Death Eaters would go after him no matter what. Lily pulled out her wand, and twirled it between her fingers. What did she want?

"_Expecto patronum_," she found herself whispering, a silver doe erupting from the end of her wand. How telling was it that her happy thought was of James? How telling was it that the stupid Patronus matched his? How telling was it that she wished he would just show up and tell her happy birthday? The doe's head turned slightly and its expressionless eyes stared up at her. "What? You can't be mad at me, _you're_ a part of me," she muttered angrily, glaring at the doe. Its gaze never wavered, and it seemed to tell her a thousand things. She was just about to open her mouth and argue with her Patronus—something that couldn't even argue back—when she heard a harsh, "_Alohamora!_" and the door swung open.

How ironic that it would be Severus.

He was panting heavily, as if he had run a great distance, but otherwise seemed completely at ease, not at all like he'd just run into a classroom where his former best friend was talking to her Patronus.

"Lily?" he muttered once he had caught his breath, his eyes flicking over to the Patronus that was still looking at her. _Stupid doe_, Lily thought, ignoring its gaze.

"Severus," she said flatly, not looking his way.

"What are you doing," he managed to ask after a moment's pause in which he closed the door silently.

"What are _you_ doing?" she asked right back, in no mood to talk to him. Severus frowned, but he answered.

"I'm running away from your stupid mates," he said bitterly, one eye on the door. "I was alone, and they're taking advantage of it."

"Right." She didn't want to argue with him, but she didn't believe him.

"Is that your Patronus?" Severus asked, his eyes now on the doe. Its silver head turned slightly before it faded away. Lily cursed Severus inwardly. The doe's presence reminded her of James, she wanted it back!

"I'm leaving," Lily said firmly, picking up her bag and not even bothering to dust it off.

"But, isn't your Patronus an otter?"

"We need to meet up once more for Slughorn's potion. Is Saturday good?"

"Wait a minute…Potter's Patronus is a stag…" Lily groaned loudly.

"See you Saturday," she muttered before kicking the door open and walking swiftly away.

When she got to Gryffindor tower, the common room was incredibly crowded. Several first years were chasing each other around, knocking things down as they went, and the fourth year boys had set up an Exploding Snap tournament. She felt the mild urge to put an end to the chaos, but found that it wasn't that big of a deal. Besides, she was tired.

She was just glad the day was over.

Without a word to the younger students, Lily made her way towards the staircases only to be grabbed from behind.

"Where do you think you're going?" Sirius said happily. Lily tried getting her arm back from him, but it was to no avail. He had an incredibly tight grip.

"Bed," she muttered.

"But it's your birthday," Sirius said in surprise, releasing her. Lily turned to look at him, shaking her head angrily.

"So what? It's not that big of a deal. I'm tired, I'm angry, and all I want is to go to bed. Is that really too much to ask?" Sirius's look of surprised turned into one of pity, and Lily felt disgusted. She didn't _want_ pity. All she wanted was to be alone.

"Nah, that's not too much to ask. Are you sure you want to skip dinner, though?" he asked her, looking at her worriedly.

"I'm not hungry." Without another word, she left.

XXX

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Sirius blinked, but then he grinned.

"It's not my birthday, but thanks all the same," he joked, clapping his hands together in excitement at the sight of the chocolate cake on the table. Frank and Alice were the first to recover from what seemed to be shock.

"Where's Lily?" they asked together. Sirius had to suppress a grin; and people said _they _didn't work together? They were the perfect couple!

"She's not hungry, she wants to be alone."

"Not hungry? Alone? And you bloody let her?" James snapped angrily, standing up. Sirius looked at James calmly.

"First of all, don't yell at me. I'm not your problem. Secondly, I wasn't going to force her into coming. That would be ungentlemanly." Mary, Alice, and Kate all looked at each other worriedly and without a single word, ran out of the kitchens, obviously intent on getting to their friend.

"I think I'm going to go as well," Frank said awkwardly, probably sensing the tension in the air. Sirius waved cheerily at him, Remus managed a small smile, and Peter nodded. James ignored him, his eyes on Sirius.

No one spoke until they were sure Frank had left, and it was surprisingly Peter who broke the silence.

"So, what's up with Lily, Sirius?" he asked, not exactly worried. He just seemed rather curious. Sirius shrugged slightly.

"I don't know. She seemed honestly tired, and she was all pale. If she wanted to be alone, I thought it was best to let her be alone."

"No one asked you to think, Sirius!" James yelled, his eyes furious behind his glasses.

"James, calm down. Honestly, I think Sirius is right—"

"Right? _Right_? You people are allowing her to be stupid, to avoid us. The moment she feels _anything_ she runs in the other direction, and _you all let her_!" Sirius could practically hear the frustration in his voice, the anger, but he didn't allow it to faze him.

"This is coming from the bloke who didn't even wish her a happy birthday! She's not upset with any of us—it's _you_!" Sirius said as patiently as he could. Remus winced, and he shook his head quickly.

"Now, you don't know that, Sirius. Don't make assumptions…you know what they say, when you assume, you make an— " But James didn't let them find out what assuming made you, because he started to yell.

"My fault? How the hell is this my fault? One day she's saying things like, 'I like blokes with bloody messy hair and glasses,' and the next, she's telling me that she wants to avoid me! I'm tired! I'm tired of putting so much effort to get _nowhere_!" Peter tilted his head to one side, a slight smile on his face.

"Sorry to disappoint you, mate, but that's not exactly what she said," he said cheerily, and James growled.

"Shut up! Just _shut up_!" James yelled, taking a swing at the cake, which, really, was quite a disappointment. Sirius had wanted that…

"Don't worry, Peter, he doesn't mean it, he's just stressed," Remus was muttering quickly, ever the peacekeeper. James's chest was heaving as he glared at the three of them, his cheeks flushed red.

"That's it. _That's it_. I officially give up on Lily! I'm tired! I can't do this anymore. I'm always walking on fucking eggshells and I'm tired of it!" The house-elves that had been avoiding the spectacle up to that point began to show interest. Several were whispering in each other's ears, like gossipy old women.

"But James, what about the bet? Don't you want to win twenty galleons?" Sirius protested, not liking where the conversation was going. Remus threw him an are-you-kidding-me look, but Sirius ignored it.

"Who gives a damn about a bet?" James snapped, and Sirius purposely avoided the I-told-you-so look that Remus was _now_ sporting. Bloody idiot…

"_O-kay_," Sirius began, not knowing where to go from there. Thankfully, the bloody idiot saved him.

"You love Lily, James. You shouldn't just give up on her. It must be tough, I get it, but if anyone can handle it, it's you," Remus said, and Sirius had to struggle to hide his grin. Appealing to the ego, Remus? Well played, well played. There was a reason why Moony was a Marauder…

"I don't care anymore, don't you get it? I want nothing to do with her. There's only so much a single person can take."

"But you seemed so excited about giving her birthday present, about all the planning to sabotage her 'stupidness.' What happened all of a sudden?" Really, by now they should have gotten used to Peter's newfound wisdom, but Sirius was still rather shocked. Normally, in such a situation Wormtail preferred to stay silent. Where did that boy go?

"You know, that's a fair question. You seemed a bit odd all day," Remus agreed, giving James a searching look. James's fists clenched and he rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to bed. You see, I just want to be _alone_." None of them said a word as they watched James stalk off furiously. But then Remus turned to Sirius, a grin on his face despite everything that had just occurred, despite the fact that it would probably be him who had to tell Lily that James had had enough.

"'Ungentlemanly', I ask you," he said with a shake of his head, and Sirius couldn't help but laugh along with Peter.

XXX

"Lily, are you awake?" Mary asked, sitting precariously on the edge of Lily's bed. Her choice in seating was for two reasons. One, Alice had already claimed most of the bed, and two, she wanted to be able to run at a moment's notice if the 'talk' with Lily went badly.

"No," Lily said, her voice muffled by her pillow. Alice and Kate chuckled, but Mary rolled her eyes.

"Stop being silly and just tell us what the matter is," she said, slightly irritated. Lily looked up, her normally bright green eyes quite dull.

"I wish I had never gone to talk with Dumbledore," she said flatly. Kate raised an eyebrow at the statement, but no one else showed any reaction.

"You mean that talk that made you decide to avoid James, yet you won't tell us what Dumbledore said to you?"

"The very same."

"So you admit it! You _are_ being an idiot!" Alice proclaimed. Lily narrowed her eyes slightly as she sat up straighter in bed.

"I seem to recall you supported me supporting Dumbledore!" Mary grimaced slightly.

"Look, Lily, whatever it is that you've been asked to do, I'm sure everyone will understand if you don't go through with it. Besides, you've already told the boy you love him, the two of you are practically together," Mary said with a grin, quite sure of herself. Lily's eyes lit up suddenly, her lips quirking into a small smile.

"You think?" she asked carefully, obviously full of hope. Mary nodded enthusiastically as Alice and Kate gave each other a high-five.

"I know, Lily. _I know_. Now, c'mon. We have a birthday to celebrate!" Lily eagerly sat up—_what in the world would she do without me_, Mary thought with a grin—and straightened her shirt. Silly girl had jumped into bed without even bothering to change…

"I didn't see anything in the common room, I was sort of hoping there would be no party," Lily said as she followed them down the staircase. Mary shrugged.

"We thought that since you and James got along so well in the kitchens, we'd celebrate in there," Alice explained. The common room wasn't as crowded as before; everyone else was most likely at dinner by then. Mary frowned when she saw Remus, Sirius, and Peter sitting together, their heads all turned to one spot. She followed their gaze and winced at what she saw.

It appeared she had been wrong about James Potter—she had known nothing.

James was sitting on the couch, snogging that Seeker girl from the Quidditch team happily. When Mary finally was able to look away, she saw that Lily was looking at James and the Seeker girl rather curiously. Her head was tilted to one side, a look of puzzlement on her face. Mary continued to watch as Lily dashed up the stairs.

Alice made to follow her, but before any of them could move, Lily was back, her bag of school things in her hand. She smiled brightly at Mary before rushing towards Sirius and the others, saying something rather quickly, and plopping herself down next to them, pulling out her textbooks and quill.

And she then proceeded to do her schoolwork, apparently unfazed by the fact that the boy she had fallen for was kissing another girl.

XXX

"You're not upset?" Remus repeated for the tenth time. Lily looked up at him and frowned.

"Nope. Why should I be upset?"

"Because James is—"

"Snogging another girl as if there's no tomorrow?" She waited until Remus nodded. "He's at perfect liberty to do whatever he wants. I was the one who decided to stay away from him, and I was the one who pushed him away. I can't complain if that means he now has a girlfriend." Remus wondered if it was all right to try again.

"So you're upset?"

"No, Remus, I'm not upset," Lily repeated, this time with a sigh. From her other side, Sirius grinned.

"I know what you're doing, young lady," he said, giving her a wink. Lily raised an eyebrow in confusion, and Remus just groaned. Honestly, the boy needed some sort of muzzle.

"What am I doing?" Lily asked, and Remus found himself also curious. Any normal girl would have stayed away, would have rushed off, perhaps in tears, and would have avoided the boy who broke her heart. But not Lily. She made sure that she was not only in the same room as said boy, but that he could see that she wasn't upset by his actions at all.

"None of us will date you to make James jealous, Lil. Sorry, but it's in the Marauder Code."

"Code? You four have a Code? I knew it! I knew you had to practice those lines!" She paused, suddenly seemed aware of what Sirius had said before the Code comment, and her face darkened. "Date you? That's absolutely disgusting," she cried, Remus blinked, not really insulted, though there was a dent in his pride.

"We're not datable?" Peter asked in worry, probably thinking about Abigail. Lily blushed and shook her head quickly.

"No! I mean, yes! I mean, _I_ would never date you three because you're like my brothers. Except you, Sirius. You _are_ disgusting—I have no idea where you've been and what you've done."

"Cheers to that," Peter said with a grin, causing Sirius to smack him on the head. Remus didn't even bother to stop their childish antics.

"You know, Lily, you can be upset. You shouldn't hold it all in," he said carefully. Lily looked at him and frowned.

"I don't know why you keep insisting I'm upset. I'm honestly not," she said with a slight smile. For a moment, however, Remus thought there was a flash of anger—or perhaps pain?—in her eyes before it disappeared. He wasn't even sure if he had seen it or imagined it.

"Fine, Evans. Prove you're not upset," Sirius said, his voice full of pride. Remus knew the idiot thought he had gotten Lily there, but he didn't realize how stubborn she could really be.

"Prove that I'm not upset? All right. What should I do?"

"Go up to James and—" But Lily didn't give Sirius time to come up with something to convince them that she wasn't upset. She stood and walked over to the couch where James and Corrine were busy, and she tapped Edgars on the shoulder politely.

"I'm so sorry to interrupt, Corrine," Lily said brightly, her voice loud enough to carry to them, "I was just wondering if you'd mind returning my Charms notes from last year? I wanted to look over something, and, well—not to toot my own horn or anything—my notes _are_ the best." She smiled widely when Corrine nodded in confusion.

"Uh, yeah, of course." She made to get up, but Lily put a hand on her shoulder, stopping her.

"Oh, please, don't get them now! I know you're busy, and I'm sure James wouldn't appreciate you leaving," Lily said, not even the slightest bit of an antagonistic tone in her voice. She seemed absolutely genuine. James, with his glasses askew, just looked shocked. He honestly seemed on the verge of pushing Corrine away and apologizing to Lily. And yet, when he opened his mouth, he said the worst thing possible:

"Oh, by the way, Lily. Happy birthday." It was as if it was nothing more than an afterthought, a statement made just for the hell of it and carried no significance. James completely disregarded how Sirius had explained that Lily had wanted him to wish her a happy birthday. Instead, he had to make it seem as if he had honestly never cared—like he hadn't spent the last two days making sure her gift was perfect, and getting things ready for Operation: Destroy Lily's Stupid Plan. Even if James _was_ tired of Lily's stubbornness and indecisiveness, he shouldn't have just disregarded her feelings so easily.

Remus waited for Lily's tears to spill, for all her bottled up emotions to finally come rushing out, but it never came. Lily just smiled at James, her face perfectly masking what Remus _knew_ she had to be feeling. Even Sirius, who was a master at hiding what he felt, would have had trouble in such a situation.

"Thanks, James," she said sincerely. She gave the two of them one last smile, ignoring James's narrowed eyes and Corrine's confused expression, before turning around and walking back to her seat next to Sirius. "Well," she said quietly, giving Sirius a look, "do you believe me now?" Remus, Peter, and Sirius just nodded, all three of them exchanging disbelieving looks.

Did she really not care at all?

XXX

Albus Dumbledore had felt shame many—_many_—times in his long life. One of his greatest sources of shame was the events leading up to the death of his dear sister, Arianna. How he wished there was some way to go back and fix his mistakes! How he wished there was some way he could stop making mistakes over and over again.

That feeling of shame, of course, had never been greater in the past decade than it was now—all because of one young woman.

Albus was no stranger to love, and he realized how painful it was to lose someone you care for. So as he watched Lily Evans eat her breakfast happily, chatting away with her friends—acting as if nothing was wrong at all—Dumbledore felt ashamed. He felt ashamed because it was what Charlus had asked her to do, something he hadn't really asked her to ignore.

He should have protested more, he should have told her that keeping those you love close to you was paramount, that there was absolutely no reason to push James away. But Albus had been afraid. Charlus was right about one thing; these innocent students _would_ get hurt if he made mistakes.

And yet, that's all he seemed to be doing.

His gaze shifted from Lily to James, a boy very similar to his father in looks. He had grown up a great deal over the past year, and Albus had noticed a steep decline in his mischievous behavior, but he was still rather impatient and hotheaded. Albus was sure of his good heart, but it was often overridden by his impulsiveness.

Sighing, Albus put down his fork, suddenly feeling rather silly, thinking about teenage romances. He turned to the _Daily Prophet_, deciding to pay attention to things he was actually responsible for. Whether or not two of his students became a couple was none of his concern. But even as he read about Crouch's stern belief to use Unforgivables on Death Eaters, he found himself wishing that one of them would let go of their ego and pride and admit what they were doing was wrong—Lily for pushing James away, and James for using another girl to make Lily angry.

He couldn't recall having this sort of problem when _he _was at Hogwarts…then again, he was far too busy writing to Transfiguration experts and proving them wrong…

The feeling of shame returned.

XXX

Remus yawned, but the other boys actually seemed excited. Sirius was practically wetting himself, and Peter was jumping around so much that Remus was surprised he wasn't bouncing against the walls. James, though seemingly calm, was twitching, and he had this mad grin on his face.

"Well, tell me how this prank goes, all right?" he muttered, immediately causing an uproar.

"Come _on_, Moony!" Sirius yelled. "We haven't done a prank in _so long_. Please help us with this!" He was practically begging by that point, but Remus didn't feel too sympathetic.

"First of all, the lack of Marauding was _not_ my fault. Blame Mr. I-Want-To-Be-Perfect-For-A-Girl-Only-To-Chuck-Her-When-She-Admits-She-Loves-Me. Prongs wanted to impress Lily. Secondly, this idea is plain stupid, so I sincerely apologize if I'm not excited." Sirius and Peter had long since turned to look at James to see his reaction to Remus's not-so-subtle words. They must have been surprised by the look on James's face, because Merlin knows Remus was.

"You have something you want to tell me, Moony?" James asked slowly, and incredibly calmly. Remus considered just rolling his eyes and helping to plan out the rest of the prank, but something stopped him. He wasn't sure if it was Lily's apparent apathy to the whole thing, or James's calm behavior, but he suddenly found himself wanting to spew everything he had felt for the past two days.

"You know what, yeah, I do!"

"Let me guess, you disapprove," James said coldly. Remus briefly glanced at Sirius before he narrowed his eyes at James.

"Do I think that Lily was being too stubborn for her own good? Most definitely. Do I think that you dealt with more than most blokes would ever deal with? Yeah, I do. Do I agree with Lily on her staying away thing? Not at all." He took a deep breath, standing up and walking towards James, one finger jabbing the boy in the chest. "Am I disappointed in you? Yes, yes I am. But not why you think I am," he defended when James opened his mouth angrily.

"It's not what I think? You're bullshitting me, right? You've always supported Lily, and you're still doing it! You and Sirius!" Sirius looked shocked, but James just rolled his eyes. "You think I didn't see those faces you've been making at me for the past five minutes, mate? Or that I wouldn't notice how you've spent more time with _her_ than with me for the last two days!" Remus poked James hard.

"No, it's not what you think! Both Sirius and I have been trying to force Lily to tell us how she feels, but the girl has clammed up. Won't say a word about it. I'm not disappointed with you for giving up on Lily. I can understand that, I mean, she's a pain, even _she_ admitted as much." James's eyes flashed with those words, but Remus attributed it to his anger. It wasn't a flash of guilt. James had nothing to be guilty about. But Merlin, he _looked_ guilty. "It's _how_ you did it. It was her birthday, James." That look of guilt was gone, and a James that seemed decidedly uncomfortable replaced it.

"Okay, what did you _do_?" Sirius asked, obviously noticing exactly what Remus had.

"Corrine has a boyfriend!" James said quickly, his face turning red as he said it. Peter chuckled.

"Yeah, it's _you_," he said, his grin still intact. But Remus and Sirius had caught on by that point. Remus was sure he matched Sirius's pallor.

"Oh no. Please, please, tell me you _didn't_," Sirius said slowly. Remus actually considered rushing to tell Lily the truth, but a plan was beginning to form in his mind, and it would be a good way of punishing James for being so stupid…

"Well, there was a whole vat of it in Slughorn's office, and I was in detention, so I took some—"

"—or a whole bunch," Sirius modified, and James shrugged in agreement.

"Well, I thought it would come in handy and it did! Corinne had overheard Alice and Mary talking about Lily so she knew about it when I caught her with—her boyfriend—and she offered to help, and we decided to, you know, ha-ha…" He sort of finished lamely, and Sirius just rolled his eyes. Peter seemed confused.

"Will someone explain to me what James did?" he said in frustration. Sirius gave him a disbelieving look, but Remus took pity on him.

"James stole Polyjuice Potion from Slughorn and blackmailed Corrine and her boyfriend—who I assume she's been keeping a secret?" James nodded dumbly. "Hmm. Anyway, her boyfriend impersonated James in order to make Lily jealous." Peter looked dumbfounded for a moment before he burst out laughing.

"Really James? So the whole anger thing is an act?" He laughed some more before frowning. "Well, the jealousy thing isn't working. Lily doesn't even care."

"The anger is not an act!" James protested. "I _am_ angry, but I'm not daft enough to give her up now that she's admitted she has feelings." He stopped talking at that point and blinked. "She doesn't care? What d'you mean?"

"She's not upset, James," Remus said, subtly kicking Sirius in the shins. The stupid boy must have gotten his hint, because he began to nod stupidly.

"Yeah, mate, Lily told us that it didn't matter to her who you kiss. She says that it doesn't matter at all."

"Doesn't matter? But…I thought…she said that…" James sat down on his bed and held his head in his hands.

"That's what happens when you kiss another girl, James. The girl you love decides you're not worth it," Remus said, barely concealing his grin.

"Is that what this is about?" James snapped, suddenly becoming angry, just as Remus had expected. "This is her way of showing that she's given _me_ up? _Oh_, no. That's not how it works. _I'm_ the one who has the right to be all high and mighty."

"Lily doesn't see it that way. I bet you she's just angry that you'd have the _gall_ to kiss another girl. Who cares if she's been stringing you along, right? Only _she_ matters." Sirius's comments seemed to incense James further because he stood up, his cheeks absolutely red.

"_The nerve_!" he yelled angrily. He stalked to the dormitory door and threw it open, practically stampeding down to the common room. Remus followed him quickly, almost unable to stop his laughter. Lily wouldn't know what hit her…

It didn't take long for James to find Lily. She was sitting with Kate and Alice, studying in the corner of the common room. She was laughing at something Alice had just said. James practically stomped over to her, Remus and the others hot on his heels.

"_I matter_, Lily. I do. You hear me?" James said loudly, glaring at her. Lily looked up at him in shock, her eyes incredibly wide. For a second, she looked to Remus in confusion, as if asking him what had happened, but Remus gave her nothing but a tight-lipped grin.

"Um, okay, you matter. Is something wrong, James?" she asked, a note of concern in her voice. Remus again had to suppress the urge to laugh.

"Wrong?" James repeated in a high voice. "No, nothing's wrong. Absolutely nothing!" And before Lily could even give James a confused glance, he had rushed out of the common room, Peter and Sirius following him. Remus finally gave in to his laughter forcing Lily to look at him in shock.

"What just happened?" she asked severely, ignoring Kate and Alice's wiggling eyebrows.

"Didn't you hear him, Lily? He _matters_," Alice said with a roll of her eyes. Lily ignored her, which, honestly, was quite rude.

"Well, Miss Evans," Remus began, finally managing to keep his laughter under control. "I'll tell you something you'd love to know if you'll be honest with _me_." Lily frowned slightly.

"Okay…" she said hesitantly.

"Alice, Kate. No offense, but…Go away."

"Well, that's nice," the two girls said together, but they picked up their books and stuffed them into their bags.

"Oh, no! You don't have to leave, Remus was just joking, right Remus?" Lily said, standing herself. Alice shrugged.

"Frank is waiting," she said. Kate didn't even bother with answering. She just waved and walked towards the staircases leading to the dormitories. Remus watched them walk off with a slight grin before he sat down, pulling Lily into her seat.

"What did you feel when you saw James kissing Corrine?" he asked her, hoping—no,_ praying—_she'd drop the act and just say the truth. Lily sighed and shook her head.

"You're never going to let this go, are you?" she asked with a small resigned smile. Remus shook his head resolutely. When she closed her eyes, Remus nearly cheered.

XXX

One week. It had been one _whole_ week, and Remus _still_ wasn't letting them know what Lily had told him, and what he had told her in return. Sirius was absolutely dying with curiosity—to the point that he had messed up the wand motions he was tasked with for the prank on _Snivellus_, and got all four of them caught—but Remus was determined to keep him in the dark.

_You'll know soon enough_, the werewolf had said. _Just wait till after the full moon. I feel ill, and I don't want to miss this!_

The only thing that kept him going now was knowing that the full moon was tomorrow night. He would learn of Moony's prank on Prongs soon enough…

"Move over, Sirius. You take up too much room," Lily snapped at him, sitting down in the chair next to him. Sirius blinked.

"That's not your seat, Lily. Where's James?"

"Who cares? Now move your chair."

"You know, you're just as crabby as Remus usually is before a full moon," Sirius said conversationally. "Is it your time of the month, too?" Lily raised an eyebrow at him, but otherwise, she didn't even deign to respond. Instead, she began to kick at his chair, growling when it barely moved an inch.

"You're so _fat_, Sirius!" she exclaimed, huffing about thirty seconds later. Sirius rolled his eyes and scooted his chair several inches to the left.

"I'm not fat, you're just weak," he said, pretending to be insulted. Lily narrowed her eyes at him.

"I _will_ destroy you," she muttered evilly, but after only a few seconds, she burst into laughter.

"What's with the mood swings, huh? You just get snogged or something?"

"What does that have to do with _anything_?" she demanded, blushing slightly. Sirius's eyes widened and he shook his head quickly.

"Is _this_ Remus's plan?" he asked excitedly. "You're going to make _James_ jealous?"

"How would me moving on make James jealous? He's with Corrine."

"Didn't Remus…oh." He thanked whatever higher powers were with him at that moment, because Professor McGonagall walked in looking slightly disgruntled. If she noticed that Lily wasn't in her proper seat, she didn't say a word.

"Today we'll be beginning human Transfiguration. We'll start with something simple—changing the color of your hair." McGonagall looked at them all with narrowed eyes. "This is not an opportunity for what some of you may consider amusing _pranks_," she said the word with obvious disgust and her gaze settled on Sirius. He just gave her a grin which she ignored thoroughly. "Pay attention to the incantation and your wand movements. I don't suppose any of you wish to visit the hospital wing in order to fix a misshapen nose."

"Well, that explains so much, Professor! The Slytherins aren't ugly, they're just stupid—messed up incantations and wand movements, I suppose, eh?" Sirius laughed with the rest at the statement, but Lily frowned, and so did McGonagall.

"Mr. Potter, is it even possible for you to act your age?"

"James is severely stunted, Professor, that's all," Sirius chimed in, earning himself a jab in the stomach from Lily. He winced and glared at her, absolutely certain McGonagall gave her a small smile at her action.

Teacher's pet…

"You will be working with the person sitting next to you. Do try not to curse each other," she added, giving James a pointed look. "Begin!" Sirius turned to Lily expectantly, but she wasn't looking at him. Her eyes were on James.

"What did Remus tell you?" Sirius asked. She turned to look at him, and he was surprised that she seemed to be…excited?

"Nothing. He said he'd explain everything after the full moon. Apparently, he wants to witness 'James's downfall,'" she said with a grin. Sirius cursed Remus at that point. What kind of plan was brewing inside that head of his?

"Dammit! I want to know _now_," Sirius groaned. Lily laughed.

"Stop acting like a child and change the color of my hair."

"You want that order with a misshapen nose?" Sirius asked dryly, surprised when Lily giggled. Lily _never_ giggled. What was with the giggling? Out of the corner of his eye, he saw James give them a look—part confused and part frustrated. Sirius was immediately on his guard. "Ohh, no. You are not using me to make James jealous!" he exclaimed. "I already told you that's against the Code! 'A Marauder Cannot Date Nor Pursue Any Girl That Another Marauder Has Dated Or Pursued.' You see? Not possible." Lily tapped her fingers against the edge of the table, an amused look on her face.

"You can memorize something stupid like that, but can't even remember how to tie your shoes. Rather telling, huh, Sirius?"

"Don't change the subject," he said carefully, watching McGonagall, who was coming their way. He hurriedly waved his wand and muttered the incantation, turning Lily's hair beach blonde.

It was ugly…She did _not_ look good as a blonde.

"You can't _use_ me," he told her when McGonagall walked away. Lily's smile slipped off her face.

"First of all, if I was going to use anyone, it wouldn't be you. _I_ _don't like you_. Secondly, I am _not_ trying to make James jealous. That would be petty and immature."

"But the giggling! You don't giggle!"

"You're paranoid, you know that, right? I can't even laugh anymore? I'm so sorry, Sirius. Next time I laugh, I'll be sure that James isn't around. Wouldn't want to make him jealous!" She waved her wand, turning his hair a bright pink, reminding Sirius of James several years ago.

"What d'you mean you don't like me? We're friends!" Sirius suddenly exclaimed, running his fingers through his new pink hair. Lily narrowed her eyes slightly.

"What's with the mood swings, Sirius? You just get snogged or something?" Lily asked shrewdly. Sirius opened and closed his mouth, surprised by the comment.

"Um, no. Actually, funny story, I haven't had a decent—"

"Stop right there! I don't want to know what you've been doing!"

"That's just it! Between worrying about Regulus and helping James with everything I haven't had any time for myself! Do you realize I don't have a date for the Hogsmeade weekend next week?" Lily raised an eyebrow, apparently unimpressed.

"Oh no. Whatever are you to do?" she deadpanned. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"You're only acting like that because _you_ have a date," he muttered, waving his wand again to turn Lily's hair back to its normal color. At that, Lily laughed.

"You're joking right? I'm not even going."

"Not going? What d'you mean you're not going? It's Valentine's Day! Even Remus has a date!"

"That means nothing, Sirius. It's quite normal _not_ to have a date. It won't be the end—"

"—Mr. Black and Miss Evans, as fascinating as your social life is, please refrain from discussing it during class," Professor McGonagall said as she passed by them, her lips pressed into a thin line. Sirius watched in amusement as Lily blushed deeply with embarrassment and mumbled an apology, which McGonagall accepted with great grace.

"You're such a teacher's pet," Sirius muttered once McGonagall was gone. Lily blushed even more, though this time, it seemed to be with pride.

XXX

"I really, _really_ want to believe you, Remus, but that's the stupidest thing I've _ever_ heard," Lily said matter-of-factly as she looked at into Remus's eyes.

He blinked, trying to get rid of his feelings of exhaustion but knew that there was no point to it. The night before and the morning after a full moon was always incredibly hard on him, and his body just wasn't in the mood to listen to his brain.

One thing he was glad for was Lily's voice. Concentrating on her words and what she was complaining about made him forget the aches in his bones, the severe pain in his head.

"Why is it so hard to believe?" Remus asked her, grinning slightly at her disbelief. It was funny to see her so worked up over this.

"First of all, _do_ you know what people have been saying about me, James, and Corrine? You've heard the rumors, right?"

"Of course. James begged you to go on a date with him, you spat in his face, but Corrine was there to comfort him, and now he's fallen for her and they're happy and you're a shrew." Lily gave him a pained look.

"You see? This whole, 'Corinne actually has a boyfriend, and James is doing all this to make you jealous,' stuff just doesn't make sense. _James_ has Corrine." She made another face, before giving him a stern look. "Besides, if I was James, I'd choose her over me, too."

"Yes, yes, you've made yourself clear. 'James deserves better than me. If I pretend that I no longer care, he'll move on, and be happy.' You're being stupid, Lily," Remus said flatly. When he had forced her to talk the other week, she had admitted that it hurt quite a bit to see James kissing another girl—which Remus had translated as meaning that she had been absolutely devastated. And then she had gone on to say that this was better because James was safe _and_ happy.

"I am _not_! Just because I pretend something doesn't matter doesn't mean I'm stupid," she exclaimed, giving him a glare.

"Yes, you are. Because you're just giving up on James. Even if I'm lying about the Polyjuice Potion thing, you should be Gryffindor enough not to let Corrine win!"

"It's not a game, Remus," Lily laughed.

"Oh, but it is! Prove to James that just because you want to keep a distance doesn't mean you want to give him up!" Lily frowned at him, possibly wondering how he knew about her conversation with James. Remus had to admit, it hadn't been easy to con James into telling him about the threats and Mr. Potter's favor of Lily, though James had been keen to explain that Lily admitted she loved him.

"All right, tell me what you have in mind," she finally conceded, sighing in defeat. Remus grinned widely.

"You remember that week when you kept giving James all these hints to get him to ask you out?" Remus asked her. Lily's eyes widened.

"See? Even you got it! What is wrong with him?" she demanded. Remus laughed, forgetting—in his excitement—all the pain in his body.

"Oh, trust me, James got it. He just wanted to _act the gentleman_ and not do anything."

"He would choose now to _act the bloody gentleman_. I mean, remember last year, and his distinctly ungentlemanly behavior?" Lily asked him, causing him to snort. Even if Lily never wanted to admit it, there was a reason that she and Sirius got along, and it wasn't only because she could understand his family situation.

"I remember the jumping on desks to get your attention," Remus said conversationally, and Lily rolled her eyes, motioning for him to continue. "Those comments drove James _mad_. You have no idea how many times he had to just rush off to prevent himself from saying something." Lily's eyes widened in understanding, and Remus wondered if that had just occurred to her. Had _she _really not noticed that James couldn't stay near her for more than five minutes?

"So what's your plan?" Lily asked, a small smile appearing on her lips. Remus grinned right back.

"Drive him absolutely mad," he said simply. The small smile on her face widened and her eyes took on a mischievous glint. She opened her mouth, perhaps to agree with Remus's plan, when she suddenly seemed to deflate.

"And what if you're wrong? What if the comments won't drive him mad? What if James was lying to you about the Polyjuice thing? What if he actually likes Corinne!" Remus opened his mouth to argue, but at that moment, James stumbled through the portrait hole, a grin on his face, nodding to something Corinne was saying as she followed him into the common room. "See?" Lily demanded.

"I'm not blind, Lily," Remus said with narrowed eyes before he grinned. "And _I'm_ not stupid, either!" Lily smacked him lightly with the book in her hand. Remus merely rolled his eyes.

"I hear you have a date for Valentine's Day," Lily said suddenly.

"I'm going to kill Sirius. He swore not to tell anyone!"

"Because Sirius is _so_ good at keeping promises," Lily said with a wave of her hand. She leaned closer to him, her eyes bright with excitement. "So, is it Jennifer? How did you ask her? I can't believe _you _actually asked her!"

"Please, don't act so blasé about me getting a date, it may go straight to my head."

"Let me put it this way, Remus. Sirius and James getting a date isn't surprising. Peter getting a date is a shocker, but _you_ getting a date is absolutely impossible!" Remus's mouth fell wide open. How could she say something like that? "Oh! Not like that, Remus! I mean, you choose not to date, and it's understandable—even if I disagree with you—but you must really like Jen if you were willing to ask her out anyway."

"We were talking about you, not me," Remus muttered, rubbing his temples. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, how the tables have turned," she said, grinning.

XXX

James felt like hell.

His head was pounding, his body ached, and he couldn't stay awake. If he didn't know better, he would have thought _he_ was the one who transformed into a werewolf last night.

The empty seat to his left reminded him of how wrong he was.

Remus had decided that he didn't feel well enough to go to classes, something he didn't have to do since the 'dark days' of last year after Sirius's prank on Snape. James would have stayed in bed like Remus, but Sirius had claimed that it was his turn. James normally would have been able to deal with it, but the idiot had decided to use his time out of class trying to find a date for Valentine's Day rather than actually _resting_.

And so, James conveniently forgot to mention that the first Apparition lesson was the day of the Hogsmeade trip. It would serve Sirius right.

"Ah, Mr. Potter, the aura around you seems quite turbulent! What sort of problem ails you?" James looked up at his Divination professor, Will Billan, wondering how in the world the man had noticed him at all. James was positive that the old man couldn't see him in this corner…

"James? He caught us!" Peter whispered, elbowing him in the ribs. James scowled.

"I noticed, Wormtail, I don't need you hitting me," he muttered, trying to blend into the bright wallpaper that the professor had put up when he had been hired.

"Mr. Potter? Why are you leaning into the wall?" Professor Billan asked, his brows furrowing in confusion. His completely white hair stuck up at odd places, and was even missing at random parts of his head. He wore bright blue robes, thick glasses perched precariously on his nose.

All around, he looked every bit as eccentric as he acted.

"Because he's trying to hide, Professor," Peter supplied helpfully, causing James to elbow him in the ribs.

"I knew it! Come now, son. What planets have disrupted your peace?"

"None, Professor. I'm just tired. My aura is perfectly fine," James said, stopping his attempt to blend into the wall. Stupid bright purple wall. Stupid black robes.

"I can see that you have trying times ahead of you Mr. Potter," the normally chipper Professor Billan said solemnly. "Very trying times." Thankfully, before the professor could continue, the bell rang. Not allowing anyone to even say a word to stop him, James had rushed out, practically climbing over the desks in order to get out first.

James felt like hell.

He didn't need a man who 'saw' the future in fog-filled balls to tell him what he already knew.

It was that letter, that damn letter from his father that caused all of his problems, James thought viciously as he practically ran down the corridor, ignoring Peter's calls from behind him. What right did his father have to tell him what to do? What right did his father have to meddle in his future?

He wanted to be an Auror, not a bloody clerk in his own father's office. He didn't want safety, he wanted to help fight Voldemort. He didn't want to get his head out of the clouds and act his age. He wanted to pull pranks and have fun while he still could. He wanted to be sixteen; he wanted to date the girl he fancied.

Why the hell couldn't he have any of that?

"Lily is not a shrew, James." He looked up, ready to lash out at the idiot who had the nerve to talk to him, but he immediately softened when he saw Corinne. She was looking at him angrily—which meant that he was in trouble—but he welcomed her presence at that moment. Nothing _she_ had to say could make him feel worse.

"Um, right. I know that," he told her, motioning for her to follow him.

"Then why is the entire school calling her that?" Corinne demanded, crossing her arms at her chest as they walked towards the Great Hall. James almost rolled his eyes.

"If you think _I _spread those rumors—"

"I swear to Merlin, James, I _will_ hurt you if I even so much as see Lily slightly disturbed by all of this. I don't care how you're blackmailing me—"

"Oh please! It's not like you were completely against the idea!"

"I _want_ you and Lily together, but I don't want to hurt her, either! And I feel that's all I've managed. And just to let you know, Jonathan refuses to keep taking the Polyjuice."

"He can't just stop! I need you two in the common room tonight!" James protested as he stopped walking, ignoring Corinne's red face. Her dark hair seemed all over the place, and her foot was tapping the floor incessantly—and annoyingly—as she gave him a disgusted look. Even her grey eyes were flashing with anger.

"No. Jonathan doesn't like it, and frankly, I'm sick of kissing him while he looks like you. It makes me feel like I'm cheating on him, and it's just plain disturbing." James grimaced and shook his head. Without saying a word, he began to walk once more, hoping she'd just go away. "You're being unreasonable. Lily's not going to stop being stubborn with this stupid plan of yours."

"It's not my plan," James said miserably, feeling incredibly stupid. Corinne gave him a shocked look, and James grimaced once more.

"What do you mean?" she practically yelled. "What dimwit told you to do this?"

"That dimwit would be my father. I asked him for advice—stupidly, I guess—and he told me that I should make Lily—"

"—jealous? Merlin, James, and you _listened_ to him? I thought your dad has it out for Lily? At least, that's what Mary said." She was wearing a look of confusion as they reached the Gryffindor table. Lily was sitting at the very end, speaking animatedly with Sirius. They both seemed rather angry. Sighing slightly, James sat as far as he could from them, unsurprised when Corinne sat across from him.

"He's my _dad_, Corinne. I didn't think he'd give me bad advice, no matter how he felt about something. I guess I was wrong." Slowly, James piled potatoes onto his plate, even though he wasn't too hungry.

"You make your dad out to be so bad, James, but he _has_ to have some sort of reasoning behind everything he's done," Corinne said, probably in what she thought was a soothing voice. It was just annoying.

"Yeah, sure he does," James muttered, playing with his potatoes. As it turned out, Corinne _had_ made him feel worse.

"If you're so sure your dad is giving you bad advice, why are you still following it?" she asked suddenly, giving him a searching look. James frowned at the question, realizing that he didn't even have an answer.

"Because he's my dad, Corinne." The words sounded empty, even to him.

XXX

"Professor Vector, can I borrow Lily, please? Peeves is making a mess, and McGonagall wanted me to get a Prefect to help clean up." His story was sound, Sirius thought smugly as Professor Vector nodded absentmindedly and motioned for Lily to grab her things and leave. He waited patiently outside the door to the Arithmancy classroom, grinning when Lily walked out with an exasperated look on her face.

"I can't believe you just did that," she muttered as she stuffed a few stray pieces of parchment into her rucksack. When she turned to look at him, she blew at her face to move several stray strands of hair. "What is _really_ going on, Sirius?" she asked, her green eyes slightly narrowed as if she was ready to slap him for his stupidity.

"Regulus," he told her simply, watching as her eyes widened in understanding.

"But he's in class right now, you can't spring him out like you did to me—"

"Don't have to," he interrupted. "Defense was cancelled today. Apparently the old Auror is feeling really sick, you know, vomiting and whatnot."

"What did you do to the poor man?" Lily demanded, and Sirius held up his hands in innocence.

"Ask a Marauder no questions, and he won't have to tell you about how he managed to get several, ahem, _key_ ingredients to a _certain_ potion from Slughorn's private stores." Sirius grinned when Lily paled. Ah, she understood!

"You. Could. Have. Killed. _Him_!" she said furiously, smacking him with her book as she said each word.

"It was only a bit, and Pomfrey is on the case. You know she can handle a simple poisoning. Besides, he wouldn't have _died_. He just would have had a really long stomach flu." Lily's color slowly returned, but she still seemed quite upset.

"All this just to talk to Regulus?" she muttered disbelievingly. Sirius gave her an odd look.

"Wouldn't you do anything to help Petunia?"

"Petunia hates me," Lily said, giving him a confused look. But Sirius could see behind her evasiveness.

"But you don't hate her. In fact, you'd do anything for her. Just like I'd do anything for Reg." Lily looked at him oddly for a moment before she shook her head slightly.

"All right, then. What's the plan?" she asked warily. Sirius grinned.

"All _you_ need to do is be my back-up, you know, in case the talk goes badly," he said bluntly, ignoring Lily's shocked look.

"Back-up? Sirius, if you think this will go badly, you need more than just me," she immediately protested, and Sirius rolled his eyes. The girl was just so insecure.

"You're all I need," he said simply, walking away, expecting Lily to follow him. When she didn't, Sirius nearly groaned. The longer they wasted time arguing over silly things like this the shorter time he'd have with Regulus.

"But James—or Remus, at least," she said as she rushed after him, wringing her hands in frustration. Sirius nearly laughed.

"Oh, silly Lily. Remus is too out of it to be any help, and James thinks I'm looking for a date for Valentine's Day, and besides—"

"—you don't think James would help anyway," she finished for him, this odd gleam in her eyes. Sirius tried to think where he had seen it before, but he couldn't place it. He turned around and began walking again, heading towards the library where he knew Regulus would be, all the while thinking about that look in Lily's eyes.

For her part, Lily was silent, something that Sirius was glad for. He didn't think he could handle her questions and her doubts right then. He knew how he wanted to confront Regulus, but he wasn't sure if it would work out, and even worse, he wasn't sure if he and Lily would come out of the talk unscathed.

After all, Regulus _did_ want to be a Death Eater.

When they reached the library, Sirius pulled out the Invisibility Cloak from his bag. He handed it to Lily without a word, and thankfully, she didn't protest. Settling for a glare, Lily threw the Cloak over herself. After making sure he couldn't see anything poking out from under the Cloak—thank Merlin for her short height—Sirius motioned for her to follow him.

He would never admit this to anyone, but he honestly hoped Lily's wand was out and that she was on her guard. Regulus may be his brother, but Sirius didn't trust any of the Blacks.

XXX

It was hot under the Cloak.

Lily fidgeted slightly, wondering how she got herself into situations like this, until she remembered that she had a job to do. She edged closer to where Sirius was standing, waiting for his wannabe Death Eater brother.

"All I'm saying is that you're giving in to your mother," a voice she recognized hissed from somewhere to her right. Lily winced as she noticed Frank and Alice standing not too far away from her hiding spot, obviously in the middle of a heated argument. She didn't want to see this. But she couldn't abandon Sirius. Before she could even contemplate finding a better spot between the bookshelves to keep watch for Sirius, Frank spoke.

"I'm not giving in, Alice! What's wrong with being an Auror?"

"There's nothing wrong," Alice snapped, her face turning slightly red, "but you _know_ that's not what you wanted! You want to teach, why are you giving up on that?" Lily knew this wasn't a conversation she should be hearing. Any problems Alice was having with Frank didn't concern her. Feeling distinctly uncomfortable, Lily edged closer to Sirius only to see Regulus walking confidently towards his older brother, the very picture of elegance.

"I see you actually came," Sirius said coldly when Regulus stopped. The younger boy just sneered.

"My brother _deigned_ to see me. I couldn't pass such a thing up," he practically hissed out. Lily almost groaned aloud. If she edged to the left, she'd be in the middle of Alice's conversation that she most certainly wasn't supposed to hear. If she went to the right, she'd be closer to Regulus and Sirius, listening in on another conversation that didn't concern her, _and_ she wouldn't be able to keep an eye out for other Slytherins.

_Sorry, Alice_, she thought as she went back to her initial spot, hoping she had chosen the lesser of two evils.

"You're allowing your mother to choose your future!" Alice just hissed, obviously in response to something Frank had just said. Frank shook his head frantically.

"I'll be doing something good! Why are you so against this, Alice? I thought you wanted to follow your dad's footsteps anyway." It was obvious that Frank had said the wrong thing, because Alice went from red to incredibly pale in seconds. Her eyes narrowed slightly, and she shook her head stoically.

"You know what? I can't talk to you right now," she managed to say before turning on her heel and stalking off. Lily sighed in relief, but it was short-lived. The moment Alice left, she heard Regulus's voice.

"You know what, Sirius? I don't give a damn what you think!" he was yelling, his wand out. Lily cursed under her breath. She was the _worst_ back-up _ever_.

"Of course you don't, Reg! All you care about is pleasing mum and dad! Why don't you think for yourself for once! Why don't _you_ decide what's right and wrong?" Sirius yelled right back.

"ENOUGH! There is no yelling in the library!" Madame Pince shouted, spit flying out of her mouth as she rushed over to the corner where Regulus stood with his wand pointed at Sirius's chest and Lily standing invisible, with her own wand pointed at Regulus. It must have been quite the sight, Lily thought, nearly giggling.

"But Madame Pince, _you're_ yelling," Sirius said logically, and it was the last straw. She grabbed both boys by the collar of their robes and Lily followed as the mental librarian threw them both out of the library. Regulus, without even bothering to spare a glance for his brother, stalked off, straightening his robes as he walked. Sirius rubbed his neck and smiled grimly.

"Well, that could've gone better," he muttered. Lily waited until she was sure the corridor was empty before pulling the Cloak off.

"You just got kicked out of the library," she said, scandalized. Sirius rolled his eyes but allowed her to hook her arm through his as they headed towards the Great Hall for lunch.

"You're so boring, Evans," Sirius said plainly, smiling when Lily elbowed him. "Never got kicked out of the library? What kind of Gryffindor are you?"

"One that cares about what my teachers think of me," she responded, laughing when Sirius adopted a shocked look. She waited a second before giving him a sympathetic smile.

"I take it Regulus is set on Voldemort?"

"He is. I guess you were right. Once they go that way, there's no saving them." Lily winced slightly at Sirius's tone, but she nodded. It was true. No matter how they wished it wasn't.

"I'm glad you're in Gryffindor, Sirius," she said quietly as they sat down at the Gryffindor table. She didn't need to elaborate, and she was glad for that. She hated talking about how she felt. Not once did her eyes stray over to the Slytherin table where she'd look for her former best friend. Sirius gave her a small smile and nodded.

"I was just thinking the other day," Sirius began to say as he made himself a sandwich, "that Remus is far more manipulative than we've realized."

"Why do you say that?" Lily said, trying to look innocent as she sipped her pumpkin juice.

"Well, he's come up with that 'comment galore' plan, didn't he? _And_, I think he has something planned for James."

"I thought Marauders don't prank other Marauders. Didn't you say it was in the Code?" Lily asked, briefly wondering if they'd ever let her see this elusive Code. They talked about it all the time, but none of them would even allow her to see the book, let alone read it.

"We do prank one another, and Remus has a good one planned," he grinned, rubbing his hands together excitedly. Lily bit her lip, unsure if she should say what was on her mind, wondering how Sirius would take it.

"Sirius, do…do you think I'm being stupid?" she asked him carefully. Sirius looked confused for a moment before he shrugged.

"It's not my place to say," he muttered. "I think it's between you and James."

"James doesn't seem to mind involving others," Lily said, getting slightly angry.

"Look, I know you're upset about what James is doing with the Polyjuice thing, but give him a break!" Lily blinked and then nodded.

"You know what? Remus is right. I don't care what Mr. Potter has to say. _I'm_ not giving James up," she said harshly, her anger getting the best of her. Sirius raised an eyebrow and pointed down the table.

"What if James has decided you're not worth it?" Sirius asked, a hint of a challenge in his voice.

"He fancied me once, there has to be a way to remind him of it," Lily muttered furiously. Had she looked up at that point, she would have seen a look of understanding flash across Sirius's face only to be quickly replaced by a look of victory. Instead, she focused on James and Corinne, wondering how she could confront Corinne.

"You know, I'm surprised you lasted this long," Sirius said brightly, taking a large bite of his sandwich. At Lily's questioning look, he elaborated. "None of us thought you'd listen to James's dad for a single day. But you went like, three weeks."

"Three weeks and six days," Lily amended, sighing. Sirius whistled.

"So. What're you going to do now?" he asked, draining his glass of juice. Lily grinned suddenly and widely.

"Well, let's just say that the game is on."

XXX

"So, let me get this straight. You told _James_ that even though Lily wants nothing to do with him anymore, his jealousy thing with Corinne and her Polyjuiced boyfriend is working. And you told _Lily_ to drive him crazy with those comments she was making a couple of weeks ago?" Remus grinned as he bit into his chocolate frog. He was glad Sirius had taken the time to visit him in the hospital wing; the only other person to visit was Lily, and all she had done was talk about how stupid she really was. Though such a conversation was funny, he preferred Sirius's reluctantly impressed tone.

"Yes, and yes," he said once he had swallowed. He handed the card over to Sirius.

"I don't understand. Other than make sure Lily and James get together _later_ rather than _sooner_, you haven't done anything." Remus rolled his eyes.

"They were taking too long on their own anyway. Besides, this makes sure that the rest of us get a laugh out of their stubbornness."

"Yeah, but—"

"Aren't you tired of always hearing about Lily? Well, here's our solution. James won't know what hit him." Sirius grinned as he shook his head.

"Remind me to never get on your bad side, Moony," he muttered even as he shook his head in amazement. Remus laughed and took another bite of his chocolate.

"James ruined the cake I baked for Lily. He deserves everything he gets."

**Sorry about the long wait. As always, thanks to my beta and to all of you who review and read this story. You guys rock!**


	20. The Sacking of the Unofficial Marauder

Chapter Twenty- The Sacking of the Unofficial Fifth Marauder

"You're hopeless," Sirius lamented, giving Lily a stern look. Lily glared at him, drew herself to her full height, and then found herself laughing uncontrollably.

"It's not my fault!" she managed to say, despite her laugher. "I'm not cut out for the prankster lifestyle." Remus and Sirius exchanged a brief glance, which they probably thought was oh-so subtle, though in reality was as obvious as an elephant barging into the dormitory.

Sirius had called her new 'project' Operation Mess With James. For about two days, he left her alone, telling her that he would not interfere since he could _never_ go against his best mate in something. By the third day, he and Remus begged her to go through 'pranking classes' because she was, quite frankly, _terrible_ at it.

Which, in all honesty, Lily completely agreed with.

It wasn't that she couldn't come up with witty remarks that would drive James crazy. Remus had pointed out that she was really quite talented at that—"I think it comes from all the practice you've had over the years, eh, Lily?"—but he had gone on to say that she giggled more than the second year girls who were infatuated with Sirius. Which, really, was quite true.

_Everything_ was funny nowadays.

Lily couldn't say when it started, but any negative feeling that had been weighing her down seemed to have disappeared. Yes, she still disliked Mr. Potter, and she still thought about her parents, but at the same time, she was just…happier. Happier, and obviously, crazier.

"Look, I can't help it if what you said was funny!" she protested when Sirius gave her a pointed look. They had been going over how to keep her from laughing for hours since classes had ended, but they hadn't made much progress. Even the stupidest comment sent her into a fit of giggles.

"Come on, Evans," Sirius muttered, his use of her surname a sure sign of his agitation, "think of dead puppies. Think of pollution!"

"You want her to be serious when she makes the comments, Sirius, not crying," Remus said wearily, throwing himself onto his bed and rubbing his eyes.

"I would not cry over pollution!" Lily said hotly before thinking about what she had said and letting out a chuckle. Sirius groaned.

"What happened to boring, stick-in-the-mud Lily? I think I liked her better than this new, giggly, _girly_ Lily," Sirius said flatly, rolling his eyes when Remus shook his head. "I'm serious! I said _one_ thing and she laughed! She isn't going to last!" Remus frowned.

"Sirius has a point, Lily. I really don't see how 'treacle tart' is funny," he said wisely. Lily groaned and threw herself onto Peter's empty bed, wanting nothing more than to be able to pass this pranking course.

"How about we try something else—" she began before there was a loud knock on the dormitory's door.

"Hey, Moony? Padfoot? Will you let me in?" Peter said, his voice muffled slightly. Remus headed towards the door, but Sirius stopped him.

"No! We're helping Evans!" he called.

"But I need my books. I want to finish Slughorn's essay."

"Too bad. We're helping Evans!" Sirius yelled again.

"Sirius, just let him in and let him get his books," Lily said angrily, giving him a glare for good measure. Sirius ignored her.

"Nah, this is much more fun," he commented, before going back to dead puppies and pollution.

And yet, despite thoughts of dead puppies and pollution, Lily found herself laughing more than she had in ages, and she was beginning to suspect that Remus and Sirius didn't even mind anymore; that they were _trying_ to get her to laugh.

Really, her cheerful disposition should have been worrying. After all, on her birthday and that week following it—until Remus had told her about James's Polyjuice thing—she hadn't wanted to even smile. Hell, she was surprised no one had told her to stop spewing out complete and utter rubbish.

The fact was, during that _long_ week, she had been upset, devastated, frustrated, and so_ hurt_. How could he do that to her? James, who had seemed so glad when she finally admitted that she had deep feelings for him, who had sworn that he'd ruin her 'stupid plan,' seemed to have disappeared without even a warning.

On her birthday, no less.

Now, Lily understood that it wasn't fair of her to hate him for what he had done. _She_ was the one that told him she had to stay away. _She_ was the one who was constantly running away. What right did she have to hold claim on James? Yet, despite knowing how hypocritical it was, she couldn't help but resent his actions. She couldn't help but feel upset.

She knew she was good at hiding what she felt. She had done it since her mother's accident, and she had become very adept very quickly. It took nothing, no effort—no thought—for her to mask what she felt. Since James had broken her out of the self-imposed shell, she hadn't had the need to use it. Odd that it would be James himself that would make her go back to it.

"—so, then, McGonagall practically threw herself to the ground to avoid a second dumping of the goop. It was Sirius and James's best prank," Remus said, his eyes closed. Lily winced, realizing she had tuned them both out for the past several minutes. For the first time, something they said hadn't made her laugh.

"Whatever you were thinking of, Lily, it's perfect! You look like you're about to cry!" Sirius said joyfully, jumping in the air excitedly. Lily managed a weak grin, but she knew that she had already aroused Remus's suspicions. He was looking at her with narrowed eyes, slowly crossing his arms in front of his chest. Sirius was still grinning like a fool, but Remus seemed to have seen right through her façade, just as he had the night of her birthday.

Damn his perceptive werewolf eyes.

"What is it _now_," he said bitterly, practically groaning. Lily felt her chin jut out on its own accord, as if it couldn't bear the tone and it was defending her honor with—or without—her consent.

"Nothing's wrong. Why should anything be wrong?" she said, her voice matching his in bitterness, and though Remus may have thought it was directed at him, she was bitter with herself. Bitter that she never cared to watch Severus more closely. Bitter that she hadn't given up the magical world for her mother. Bitter that she actually listened to Charlus Potter rather than tell him to shove it where it hurt. And the bloody laughing? It was her own sick, twisted way of trying to get rid of the bitterness.

And it obviously didn't work too well.

"Are you having second thoughts, Lily?" Sirius asked, finally catching on. Remus rolled his eyes good-naturedly, as if saying, 'he's an idiot but we like him, what can you do?' before giving Lily an expectant look, clearly waiting for the answer.

"No! No, I'm not having second thoughts," she said firmly, not wanting to leave any room for the two of them to remain suspicious. The Marauders had a reputation of being easy-going and fun-loving, but _Merlin_, were they uptight when it came to matters that concerned each other.

"Then _what_ is it?" Remus asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm angry!" she blurted out, realizing that was what it was. "I'm _so_ angry!"

"You know, Lily, you really shouldn't be—" Sirius began hotly, but Lily threw her hands up in frustration, not allowing him to finish his sentence.

"I know! I shouldn't be angry at James, but I am! And it's not just him. I'm angry at Dumbledore and Charlus Potter. I'm angry at Severus! I'm angry at Alice, for God's sake! I'm angry at you, Sirius, and even you Remus!" she yelled, growing more agitated, yet even somewhat lighter. Oh, it felt good to just yell out how she felt.

Those negative feelings she had thought had disappeared? Well, it seemed like they had just gone on a short vacation, and now had come out to play.

"Okay, I'll admit I can understand Prongs and Snivellus, even Dumbledore and Mr. Potter, but Alice? Me? Remus? What did we do?" Sirius demanded, obviously a bit angry as well.

"Come off it, Sirius!" Lily cried, beginning to pace to release some of her pent up frustration. "Have you told any of your bloody friends about why you really left home, yet? Have you told them about Regulus?"

"That's my business, Lily! It concerns no one else!"

"But it does concern everyone else! We're your friends, yet you keep everything to yourself, and half the time I don't know if I should talk to you about Regulus, or if I should just keep my mouth shut because I don't know how you'll react!"

"Lily—"

"And you, Remus! Always talking about how we shouldn't keep things to ourselves, how we need to have an outlet for how we feel. When was the last time _you_ followed your own advice? End of fourth year? Even after Sirius's prank you kept to yourself, refusing to let anything out!"

"Is that what this is about, Lily? Keeping things from you?" Remus said calmly, acting as if she hadn't just yelled at him.

"No! That's not what this is about! I'm so tired of everyone analyzing everything I do. And yet, no one pries into how _you_ feel, or how Sirius feels. Did either of you two know that Alice hasn't eaten a meal in almost two days? Has Frank said anything to you about why he missed class the other day? Why do _I_ matter? Why?" she demanded, finally realizing that this was something she had actually been thinking over since Severus had essentially blamed her for wanting to be a Death Eater.

Why had she been so important to Severus that he'd say that _she_ pushed him over the ledge? Why did everyone care so much about how _she_ felt? Why did Remus and Sirius put so much effort into helping her? Or Mary, and Alice? Even Kate?

Didn't they understand that she wasn't a good influence? That everything that came her way inevitably failed or was destroyed? Her family, her friendship with Severus…her own damn magic hated her! First she couldn't perform a Patronus, and then she had magically induced amnesia for _months_.

Why were her problems more important than Alice's? Mary's? _Remus's_?

She expected a lot of things, she expected a patronizing look, perhaps a roll of their eyes, or even just a disappointed shake of their heads. What she _didn't_ expect was the two smiles on Sirius and Remus's faces. She didn't expect Sirius to go to his trunk and pull out a heavy looking tomb and say in a serious tone that she was never to tell anyone of what she was about to see. She didn't think that Remus would take the tomb from Sirius and hand it to her solemnly, claiming that for it to be completely official, Peter and James had to be there. What she didn't expect, not in a million years, was to be told that she could read the Code. And she most certainly didn't expect what Remus said next:

"I don't know about Alice, Mary, and Kate. You can ask them why you matter to them yourself. But the reason you matter to me, Sirius, James and even Peter and is because you're an unofficial Marauder." He turned several pages of the Code, and then pointed to number twenty-two. There, in what was obviously James's handwriting, were words that nearly made Lily cry. Frankly, she was speechless.

_22. Henceforth, Lily Evans Will Be Considered As An Unofficial Fifth Marauder _

_Date: January 17, 1975_

_Description: No comments necessary._

"No comments necessary?" Lily murmured, still completely awed by what was in her hand, by what she had just read. Sirius let out a laugh.

"Yeah, that was James's own way of saying that you being a Marauder was self-explanatory. The only reason you're unofficial is because…well, you've never really broken a rule and gone to detention for it." Remus nodded, his face split into a wide grin.

"James calls you his 'project.' He says that before you become Head Girl and you decide that it's morally wrong to break rules, he's going to corrupt you," he said, shaking his head as he laughed.

"I thought you said you'd never let me see this, that it's for Marauder eyes only," Lily said, her voice wavering. Remus and Sirius ignored her question completely, obviously feeling as if her question wasn't worth the breath it took to answer, or they thought that it should have been pretty much obvious. Remus stepped forward and he pulled her into a brotherly hug, perhaps the first time she could ever remember him initiating contact—usually she forced her hugs on him.

"For once in your life, Lily, loosen up, give yourself a break, and just stop _thinking_. Stop second-guessing, stop wondering, stop trying to fix things. You can't afford to live your life this way," he said softly. Sirius put a hand on her shoulder and nodded.

"He's right, you know." At that, Lily managed a grin, a true one—unencumbered by guilt, pain, or worry.

"He usually is," she said. It was unfortunate that it would be in that moment in which Lily chose to give Remus an extra squeeze—honestly, he didn't let her hug him all that often, she was going to use the opportunity she was given—that the door would fly open, James standing there in surprise and Peter looking extremely guilty.

XXX

Lily Evans and James Potter had gotten into their fair share of fights. There was that rather infamous one out by the lake, one the year before it concerning uniforms, and possibly the most humorous of them all, the one in which Lily questioned James's very manhood back in second year—where she had said, quite bluntly, that James was a pig. In fact, their fights, or arguments, were rather exciting for the rest of the school since it was always so entertaining.

In hindsight, one of the Marauders, or even the ever intelligent Lily, should have realized that their voices could carry to the rest of Gryffindor tower, that by the end of the day, everyone knew Corinne had a boyfriend who was taking Polyjuice in an attempt to make Lily Evans jealous, and Lily was retaliating by going after James Potter's best friend.

What most people didn't realize was that Lily had at that point seen that they had attracted an audience, and so she cast a Silencing Charm on the door. In fact, the words spoken after the charm was cast were said with far less anger, and did far more damage.

Mary knew she should have interceded. She knew that she should have either gotten Lily out of there or forced James to calm down. But she rather stupidly thought it would be good for the two to finally hash it out. Mary had wanted them to settle their differences, not return to what they had been at the beginning of fifth year.

It was as if Lily had lost her memories again, only this time, James had lost his as well.

Once the Silencing Charm had been cast—the boys' dormitory now full of all the Gryffindor sixth years—Remus and Sirius had quickly explained the truth of the matter, that they were trying to teach Lily how to be a proper prankster, how the hug was completely brotherly. Lily had agreed calmly, explaining how she had needed comfort for a moment of weakness. Mary didn't know what caused James to say that he believed his brothers but not Lily, since she was always lying. Mary didn't know why Lily hadn't just tried to figure out what James meant rather than attack his honor and integrity. All she knew was that Lily had known that Dumbledore was 'recruiting' for something, and she hadn't said a word to any of them.

It didn't matter how many times Sirius and Remus argued that they wanted to join anyway, that it didn't matter if she hadn't told them. No matter how many times Alice and Frank tried to tell James that Dumbledore had done nothing wrong by merely watching students carefully and that Lily meant no harm, James was adamant.

Lily was a liar. A liar and a cheat.

"I got the truth from my father!" James had yelled. "You're siding with a man who is no different from Voldemort!" An argument that had stemmed from James's trick with Corinne and Lily's stubbornness had turned into a full blown shouting match on loyalties.

Since she had been attacked, Mary had expected something of the sort to occur. She knew that the day would come for all of them to choose where they stood, with Voldemort, Dumbledore, or the Ministry. It seemed James had already made his choice, one that Mary knew many of them would follow.

Lily's heated defense of Dumbledore had made no difference in the end. James still called for the others to choose. "It's our defining moment," he had said. "Choose your side!"

It was obvious that Kate sided with the Ministry. She had always doubted the Headmaster, and so it was to no one's surprise when she supported James. Alice siding with Dumbledore along with Lily, however, was a surprise. Mary knew that Alice wanted to become an Auror, and yet her loyalties were with the Headmaster.

Peter had wanted to remain neutral. He said he didn't like the Ministry's policies, but he also didn't like how Dumbledore was handling the situation. At James's furious glance, he sided with the Ministry, claiming it was the lesser of two evils. Remus had pointedly ignored James's glares and walked calmly over to Alice and stood next to Lily. With a sigh, Frank put a hand on James's shoulder, saying that the Auror's deserved his loyalty. He ignored the look of shock on Alice's face.

When James looked at her expectantly, Mary had frozen. She had grown up a muggle, and though the Ministry was anti-Voldemort, it still looked down on muggleborns. And yet, for so long she had looked to the Ministry, not only as a future, but as the solution to their world's problems. However, one glance at Lily's expressionless face, and then at James's righteous fury, made her realize that, for now at least, it was Dumbledore who was able to do the most good.

James had merely scowled when she had taken Lily's hand in her own, smiling at her best friend. Everyone then turned to Sirius, Alice mouthing, 'choose Dumbledore!' wildly, and James giving his best mate a look that could have curdled dairy.

"You're wrong, James," was all Sirius had said, crossing his arms over his chest.

James didn't speak to Sirius and Remus for two days after the argument in their dormitory. He didn't speak to Alice or Mary for about a week.

He wouldn't even _look_ at Lily, and nearly ten days had passed.

At first, Mary had thought it was James's petty way of getting back at Lily since she had gotten the majority. But when James seemed perfectly normal with everyone else and yet pretended Lily didn't even exist, she became suspicious. Sirius told her to leave it alone when she asked him what James was doing, and Peter had squeaked some excuse before rushing off. Only Remus gave her a halfway decent answer.

"James doesn't do grey, Mary," he said on the ninth day of James ignoring Lily, after Mary had managed to corner him in a corridor.

"But what about the rest of us! We're grey too!"

"Not the way James sees it. He thinks we took her side out of loyalty to her, not because we actually believe in Dumbledore. Right now, he hates Dumbledore, and since Lily would do anything for the Headmaster, James hates her, too."

"But that makes no sense! I mean, Sirius flat out told him that he was wrong."

"Like I said, James doesn't do grey. He deals in blacks and whites." Before Mary had time to protest, Remus left.

For her part, Lily was taking everything rather well. She seemed perfectly normal, if a little less patient. Normally, it was Lily who spent an hour or two each day helping out the younger students. For the past week and a half, she had been short with the younger kids, always ending up apologizing profusely before claiming she was tired and practically running away to the girls' dormitory.

Mary had watched her do that for several days before she plucked up the courage to see if Lily was actually going to sleep.

She wasn't.

Lily would go up to her bed, draw the curtains and then perform Silencing Charms, before she would let out what Mary was sure to be sobs. Normally, Mary would have told her friend to stop being so weak, to draw upon her inner Gryffindor and stand up for herself, but she didn't have the heart to say anything.

James was ignoring her, but that didn't mean he hadn't found ways to be nasty.

Two days after the argument, Remus and Sirius tried to talk with Lily, but James pulled them away. Since then, whenever either boy even tried to talk to her, James found a way to call them to him. After the eighth time James had done it, Lily told Remus that they should just stay away from her as she didn't want to jeopardize the friendship they had with James.

James found new ways to let his disdain for Lily be known each day, sometimes going too far, as he had the day of the Apparition lesson. And yet, not once did Lily cry. Not in front of James at least.

Which was why it was so surprising to see Lily—after ten days of being utterly ignored by James—sitting on the steps leading up to the girls' dormitory, crying her eyes out, as James watched her impassively from the bottom of the stairs. Mary rushed towards her redheaded friend, barely noticing the large book that she nearly tripped on, and she pulled Lily into a tight hug.

"What happened?" Mary said to Lily softly before giving James a furious glare. "What did you do to her?" she demanded. James's face could have been carved from stone, but behind those ever slipping glasses, his eyes were filled with some unidentifiable emotion.

"I was just letting her know that there no longer is an unofficial Marauder," James said coldly, and in Mary's arms, Lily began to shake violently, as if those words caused her physical pain. For a moment, Mary could have sworn she saw James's eyes flash with sorrow, as if he actually cared that he was causing Lily to cry, but it was gone after only a second.

"I'm a terrible person, I get it. I really do. B-but did I honestly deserve all of this?" Lily sobbed into her shoulder. Mary didn't know what Lily meant by 'all of this' and by James's shocked look, he didn't either, but Mary was sure of one thing.

"You're not a terrible person, not even close," Mary whispered, not noticing that James had slipped away, his fists clenched tightly.

XXX

There was an appeal to living your life only with books on your side.

Madame Pince, despite all her yelling and insanity, probably led a very good life among the books. After all, books didn't hurt you. If anything, a book could only help you. Books didn't care about your blood status, or the kind of family you were born in. They didn't care about your gender or your favorite dessert.

No, books never judge people.

She wondered if Ravenclaws ever had the same problems Gryffindors seemed to be plagued with. She honestly didn't think so. Hadn't it been the Ravenclaws who first decided that the Houses shouldn't be at war with each other, closely followed by Hufflepuff? Only Gryffindor House seemed to still want to prove a point, all because the Gryffindors were bloody noble prats, and didn't know when to let something go.

No, the Ravenclaws were most likely like Pince. They lived with books by their side, pretty much always happy. She knew that when the Sorting Hat considered Ravenclaw she should have said yes. Should have argued against going to bloody Gryffindor.

Because if she was in Ravenclaw, she never would have fallen for James Potter, and he never would have had the power to put her through so much pain. Because if she was in Ravenclaw, books would be by her side.

And books were safe. Far safer than falling in love, or choosing a side.

Turning a page of the book that was in her hand at that moment, Lily continued her new found habit of staring at pages with glazed over eyes. Anyone who stuck their head between the Charms and Transfiguration sections would see the sixth year Gryffindor Prefect, Lily Evans, sitting cross-legged on the floor, her back against a bookshelf, and her book laying flat in her lap. They would think she was reading intently—after all, there was a practical exam in Charms the next day—but they'd be wrong. No, Lily Evans wasn't studying, she was thinking about how wonderful it would be to just live with books—no one else, just books.

The one thing that she was happy about was that tomorrow was Friday. That meant the weekend was almost upon them, and for her it meant no more pretending or façades. During the school week she had to act as if nothing was wrong, to smile and go about her day as if she were absolutely chipper.

She wasn't very chipper.

On the weekend, though, Lily had every right to just remain in the dormitory and lay in bed, alternating between sleeping and wishing that she were in Ravenclaw.

Ah, but she was so proud of herself. She no longer cried—that had stopped after she had sobbed like a little child on Mary's shoulder two days ago—and she no longer felt sad about losing not only James but all the other Marauders as well. Really, she didn't feel much at all.

She supposed she was still in shock. Once, her father had told her about going into shock when her mother agreed to marry him. He claimed that he hadn't been able to think, see, or even feel anything for several days. When it wore off, he was so ecstatic that he nearly convinced her to elope.

Lily's mother had then assured a scandalized Petunia that no, they did not elope, and their father was just joking. Lily had laughed, but Petunia had claimed that there was no reason for him to go into shock. After all, wasn't he sure that she loved him?

"Of course I knew your mum loved me, Tuney! Doesn't mean I thought she'd be mad enough to marry me, though," he had said, laughing when Lily had let out a snort.

That had been only days before the accident. After that day, Lily's mother had trouble even remembering her husband's name, let alone how much she loved him.

Lily could remember the first time she went through a shock like her father's. It was when they saw Diagon Alley for the first time. She had been so excited, so happy that it was all true, that for several minutes she hadn't even been able to move. It wasn't until her father had offered to take her to Flourish and Botts that she was able to use her legs again.

"Just like your mum, you are, Lily," he had laughed. "I can get her to do anything—even go fishing with me!—as long as I promise a trip to the bookstore."

Lily wiped a tear that had escaped her eye, and let out a small laugh. Yes, she had been told many times that she got her bookish tendencies from her mum. Her mum, who would come home after work and devote at least an hour to reading, no matter how tired she was. Her mum, who had spent days upon days reading her favorite books aloud to her two favorite people in the world—her daughters.

It was a shame her mum would never see Lily's decision to live with books for the rest of her life. Lily imagined she'd be proud—or worried about her daughter's sanity.

Tears then spilled shamelessly from Lily's eyes, scattering across Pince's beloved pages, but she paid it no heed. This wasn't grieving for her parents, this wasn't mourning.

This was remembrance.

Her mum would have liked James, Lily decided. James was funny, smart, kind, and brave. He was fiercely loyal to his friends, and he was incredibly opinionated. He had this odd notion of right and wrong, but he stuck to it, unwavering. Yes, her mum would have really liked James, especially since he was good looking. She had always told them jokingly to look for a good-looking husband, though very few were as lucky as she was in finding such a handsome one.

Her dad, however, wouldn't have liked James. "He wears glasses," would be the first thing her father would say, as if such a thing was a sin, as he wiped his own glasses on his sleeve. He'd claim his daughter was to young to date, that there was no reason to think of such things.

Her mother would roll her eyes and tell her to listen to her heart. Her father would say that he had never heard anything cornier. But secretly, they'd both be happy, smiling, glad that their daughter had fallen for someone.

Lily wiped angrily at her eyes, hating the wetness she felt there. She hadn't cried over her parents in so long, and she had sworn she'd never cry over James again. It was a shame to ruin both just because she was contemplating living with books.

Petunia, despite all her dislike towards Lily, would have had something to say had she known Lily's situation. "He's not worth your tears," she'd say kindly before remembering that she was supposed to be awful and calling her a freak.

Her father would clap Lily on the shoulder and ruffle her hair. "Chin up, Lil, chin up. Don't let them see you down. He was a prat anyway…you could tell from those glasses he wore." Lily laughed to herself, sniffling a little bit. Her father would have _hated_ James's glasses, especially how they kept sliding down his nose.

Her mother…her mother would have pulled her into a hug, kissed her forehead and just held her. And they'd stay, just like that, for however long Lily needed, and when Lily was ready, she'd say the one thing Lily needed to hear. "I love you, Lily."

Lily closed her eyes, not in an attempt to stop the flow of silent tears, but because she could no longer bear to pretend she was reading. She could no longer bear to pretend that she'd live happily with books on her side.

Because books couldn't hold you.

Books couldn't press a kiss to your forehead.

Books couldn't say that they loved you…

So perhaps Pince was all happy in her world of books, but Pince was also an insane woman who thrived on how many people she could kick out of the library each week. And maybe the Ravenclaws didn't deal with the same load Gryffindors dealt with. Perhaps a Ravenclaw never lost friends because of a choice, and perhaps their heart was never broken because of what they believed in, but they also seemed to be a rather dry lot.

Next time she saw the Sorting Hat, she'd have to thank it.

Standing up, Lily dusted off her robes, a small smile on her face. She didn't have many pictures of her parents. Most of it had been in in an old album that she kept under her bed at home, and which was now probably lost. Yet, despite that, when she closed her eyes, she could see her parents clearly.

And they were smiling right back at her.

So having her heart broken, that was no big deal. One day, the wound would completely heal, as if there had been no James Potter. And realizing that she and many of her friends were on different sides and may one day end up fighting one another, well, she'd take that when it came.

She kept her eyes closed as she leaned back against the bookcase, her legs crossed at the ankles, and her heavy book held protectively against her chest. The image of her parents smiling at her did not fade away, nor did she ever think it would.

For the first time, Dumbledore's claim to the students who had lost family and friends in the war against Voldemort, that the people we love never truly leave us, made sense.

"Lily?" She winced slightly at the voice. Him, she _didn't_ love.

"What do you want Severus?" she asked, forcing herself to open her eyes and give up the image of her parents. He was looking at her concernedly, his brow furrowed in worry, and several books in his arms.

"Have you been crying?" he asked suddenly, his eyes widening, the black flashing with what could only be described as shock. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Seriously, what do you want," she asked again. Severus looked at her oddly, his shoulders stiffening.

"Nothing," he muttered. He turned away and had taken several steps before she turned back to look at her. "What did you see in him, anyway?" She didn't need to know who he was referring to, it was far too obvious.

"What does it matter to you? We're not friends," Lily said coldly, and Severus winced. He gave her another strange look and shook his head sadly.

"You know, if Potter comes to you tomorrow, and begs for your forgiveness, I have no doubt you'd give it to him. I just wanted to know what he has that I never did." Lily forced herself to maintain a neutral expression even though Severus's statement was rather shocking. Mainly because Lily had a hard time denying it.

"James has a tendency to put _me_ first, Severus. He's kind, and he's sweet in his own strange way. And even though he's acting like a prat right now, I _still_ think he's a good person. I still think he's loyal, brave, and he can make me laugh when no one else can." She looked straight into Severus's eyes at this point, a sudden fury taking hold of her. "So leave me alone, and more importantly, leave _him_ alone." Severus frowned at her before stalking off, his back so straight she was surprised he could even move.

She stood there, watching as Severus left the library, realizing that for the first time, she felt no pang of pain—no sense of loss—at the sight of Severus's retreating back. It was rather odd to feel no guilt about the path he had decided to take.

The sound of several books falling to the floor shook her out of her thoughts and she decided it was high time she went back to the Gryffindor tower. Lily placed the large book in her arms back in its place, a small smile on her face. In fact, she was paying so little attention to her surroundings that she didn't even notice something brush softly by her hand, and the gentle rustle of a cloak.

XXX

He was being stupid and he knew it. He had nothing to gain by being here, and it wasn't as if what he was doing could be considered healthy. But despite Remus's knowing glance when he grabbed the Cloak as he left the dormitory, and his own misgivings, he found himself in the library, underneath the Invisibility Cloak, with the Map in his hand. Her dot was firmly placed in the library, but it was a shame the stupid Map couldn't tell you exactly what section of the library someone was in.

As he passed by bookcases and tables, searching for her, James thought about everything that had occurred in the past few days. From learning about Dumbledore's not-so-good actions, to realizing that she had known about it and had said _nothing_, James had found himself reeling. How could anyone be so blind as to support what Dumbledore was doing? After all, wasn't Voldemort just the same? Where would the line be drawn?

His frustration had reached its max when she had actually defended the old man. Her claims that Dumbledore was different, that she stood by the Headmaster, had cut James to the core. Surely she had to see what she was saying was wrong? Lily was a _good_ person, he knew that. What could have possessed her to be on Dumbledore's side?

She ruined everything, James thought bitterly. Her loyalty should have been to the Ministry, the Ministry which always was on the right side. Yes, perhaps it made mistakes, but what government didn't? And though there were many of Voldemort's men scattered throughout the Ministry, James was sure that the good would overpower the bad. Not like with Dumbledore. Dumbledore was a man who was taking advantage of the current war.

_He's been asked to be Minister of Magic more times than anyone in living memory. He's denied the position each time. Does that sound like a power hungry man to you?_ A nasty voice said in his head, and he thoroughly ignored it. What did a voice in his head know anyway? Dumbledore was bad, Lily sided with Dumbledore, thus, Lily was bad.

Two plus two equaled four. It was simple mathematics.

She was sitting in between two bookcases in the Charms section—which honestly, made sense considering it was her favorite subject—a book in her lap. She seemed to be reading intently, but James was suspicious. He had watched her read before, and that look on her face wasn't one of concentration; she was merely looking at the page.

Slowly, and as quietly as he could, James edged to the other side of the bookcase Lily was leaning on, and he sat down. If it wasn't for the books and wood that separated them, they'd be back to back.

Why did she have to ruin everything? Why did she have to choose the bloody wrong thing?

He was pulled out of his ramblings when the girl behind him let out a soft laugh. He was curious, perhaps masochistically so, but he turned around uncomfortably and pushed several books over some so that he could see her face. A single tear was rolling down her cheek, something that confused him. Why was she laughing if she was sad? And what was she sad about? A part of him was selfish enough to hope that she was upset over him, though he knew it was wrong of him to feel that way.

If anything, she was crying over how terrible a person he was, and how stupid she had been to fall for him.

When her tears began to fall freely down her cheeks, James had to fight a much larger and much more powerful part of him that wanted to go to her and hold her. He wanted nothing more to be the one that told her that it was alright, that she shouldn't cry—to do what he had done that night they went to the kitchens and she cried into his shoulder.

He was glad for his self control when only moments later, Lily wiped furiously at her eyes, obviously frustrated. And yet, she had a smile on her face and she was chuckling as she closed her eyes, leaning her head back on the books. Merlin, the girl was switching her moods quicker than Sirius changed girlfriends…

It wasn't much of a surprise when she stood and leaned against the bookcase, a smile on her face. James sighed, thinking that his entire trip had really been pointless, the quest of a man that could no longer decide what was right or wrong. He stood almost wearily—so confused, so unsure— wondering if he could compromise what he believed for someone he cared for.

_I cannot speak for you, James,_ his father had written_, and I refuse to attempt to sway you to my own beliefs. I merely beg you to choose the _right_ thing rather than what may seem to be the easier choice. _Granted, in the letter, his father had been writing about James's future, not about Dumbledore's treachery, yet the sentiments were basically the same.

The right thing over what was the easier choice. How familiar those words sounded…he was sure that someone in Hogwarts had told him the exact same thing…

"Lily?"

"What do you want, Severus?" Was it wrong that he relished the exasperation in her voice? Was it wrong that at the same time he was full of hate, for _Snivellus_, for Slytherins who wanted to be Death Eaters, and now, for Lily?

"Have you been crying?" Snape asked, his voice cautious as if fearing reprimand. James had to hand it to the future Death Eater; he had all the subtlety of a mountain troll, and a lack of tact that could rival Sirius.

Of _course_ she was crying, you giant dolt, James thought angrily, nearly growling in his frustration.

Lily must have felt the same way as James, because she rolled her eyes. "Seriously, what do you want?" she asked once more, her tone absolutely frigid. Snape looked at her like she had just slapped him before he stiffened. James had to hold back a cheer.

"Nothing," the slimy grease-ball said before turning away and taking several steps away from her. James let out a sigh of relief, glad that the hook-nosed menace to society was leaving _his_ Lily alone. Sure he was angry with her, sure he thought Lily was secretly as power-hungry as Dumbledore, but that didn't mean he stopped caring about her. When she came to her senses, he'd take her back with open arms…

So lost was he in thoughts of getting Lily back and imagining the scene that would inevitably take place—"I was a fool, James. But I understand now! Dumbledore is only looking out for himself." "It's quite alright, Lily, I forgive you."—he didn't notice that Snape had stopped and turned back around until the Slytherin spoke.

"What did you see in him, anyway?" Two things were not lost on James: One, Snape was actually quite bitter, which made James infinitely—and perhaps childishly—glad. And two, the stupid idiot said the word 'did' as if Lily no longer saw anything in him anymore. For one frightening moment, James forgot all about his father's words, Dumbledore's _manipulations_, and his anger at Lily.

His heart thudded painfully at the thought that Lily no longer cared about him.

"What does it matter to you? We're not friends." Once again, two things were not lost on James: One, Snape looked like he had not only been slapped, but also trampled on by a rampaging hippogriff, which really, was quite amusing to see. And two, Lily didn't correct the use of the word 'did' and James's panic escalated. Had he pushed her too far? Had she _really _finally given up on him. Mary had warned him she might after that day when he told her she wasn't a Marauder…but he hadn't really wanted to do that! He wanted to show her that she had to give up on her loyalty to Dumbledore, how was he supposed to know she cared so much about some stupid unofficial title?

James had never felt as much fear as he did at that point.

"You know, if Potter comes to you tomorrow, and begs for your forgiveness, I have no doubt you'd give it to him. I just wanted to know what he has that I never did." Snape's words didn't ease James's fears, nor did he stop shaking. Who cared what Snape thought? All that mattered was Lily. Her opinion mattered, her belief mattered…the fact that she could make him question everything he had ever thought or believed made her _matter_.

He forced himself to look at Lily's face, and the neutral expression her saw there nearly made him fall to the ground. He _had_ pushed her too far. Oh no, oh no, oh no… "James has a tendency to put _me_ first, Severus. He's kind, and he's sweet in his own strange way. And even though he's acting like a prat right now, I _still_ think he's a good person. I still think he's loyal, brave, and he can make me laugh when no one else can." Oh n—wait. That wasn't what he was expecting.

Relief, indescribable, unbelievable _relief _flooded throughout his body, practically sinking deep into his bones.

"So leave me alone, and more importantly, leave _him_ alone." Oh, _Merlin_, he was more important. _He_ was more important. James's hands shook with what now was happiness and he didn't even notice that he had knocked several books to the ground in his new state. He reached out, ignoring how the Cloak was falling off his shoulders—if Lily looked behind her, she'd see a disembodied head and a hand in the air—and from between the bookcases he managed to brush his hand against hers.

It was a thank you, he told himself firmly, still stubbornly holding onto the notion that Lily needed to see the light, and refusing to admit that perhaps _he_ was the one in the wrong for once.

It was a thank you for defending him, not a gesture that held much more meaning. Not an admission that he had made a stupid mistake when he told her she wasn't a Marauder. Not his own strange way of apologizing because he was such a prat.

It was a thank you, he thought as he watched her leave the library before he fell to the ground, a heap of patheticness.

XXX

"So, what's the plan?" Sirius asked Remus as they were walking to Herbology. The weather was slowly getting warmer, and now, by the end of February, none of them quite resented the class as much as they had back in December when they had to practically shovel snow out of the way just to create a path to the greenhouses.

"Plan? What're you talking about?"

"You know, our plan to get Lily and James together," Sirius said, keeping his voice at what he thought may have passed as a whisper, but in reality seemed like a soft shout. Remus shook his head as he shifted his rucksack, hating how it dug into his shoulder from being so heavy. Fridays were always his heaviest rucksack day—he didn't know why, exactly.

"There is no plan, Padfoot. We're staying out of it because it's _none of our business_." Remus stressed the last part of his sentence in the hope that Sirius would just let the topic go, but he had no such luck.

"A few weeks ago it was our business," Sirius said heatedly. "I'm so tired of seeing Prongs all angry and upset, and Lily all," Sirius paused and gave Remus a confused look. "Actually, Lily seems okay," he said, as if in awe.

"She's not okay, she just doesn't like showing how much it bothers her. And James is _always_ angry and upset about something. What makes this any different than from the niffler days?" Sirius looked stumped for a moment before he grinned.

"C'mon, Moony! I mean, even their _names_ match. Lily and James. D'you see how good that sounds? I'd imagine Lily and _Snivellus_ would sound terrible on the wedding invitations."

"Wedding? What are you talking about?"

"Well, once we get James to stop being so stubborn and Lily to stop being so passive and actually go after James, I think they'd get married," Sirius explained, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. Remus didn't say a word for a good minute—preferring to walk to the greenhouse in silence—as Sirius rattled on about James's future wedding with Lily. Finally, it was too much to ignore.

"Stop it, Sirius!" he said, grabbing his friend's arm, and pulling him to a stop. "We can't keep interfering. This is between Lily and James now."

"Yes, but if we leave it to them—"

"It doesn't matter. Don't you see, Sirius? This isn't something we can fix. _We_ can't force James to think the way we do, and we can't ask Lily to give up what she thinks is the right thing to do because of James."

"But you _know_ they'd be good together! And I'm sure I'll be named godfather to one of their children!" he laughed happily, completely ignoring Remus.

"It's none of our business," Remus repeated, and despite Sirius's groan, there was a look of grudging acceptance in his eyes.

To think, just a few weeks ago, he had been so excited about his stupid plan, so happy that he was pranking his friend , and yet so sure that it wouldn't last for too long. He had thought one of them would cave—James would tire of the comments and would just kiss Lily, or Lily would finally admit that Charlus Potter had no right to dictate what should be done. A week, he had thought back then. It would only take a week for them to get together.

But he had been wrong. So very wrong.

XXX

She wasn't a bad friend, she argued with herself. Really, she wasn't. She cared as much as the others about how Lily was faring, but in all honesty, she just couldn't spare the time that Mary did. Besides, judging from Lily's laughter from just a moment ago, she was perfectly alright.

The thing was—and she didn't begrudge Lily at all, though at times it was annoying—the girls' dormitory was usually filled with discussion about Lily. How Lily was doing, how Lily felt, how Lily was dealing. It was a drastic change from just a few years ago, when Lily kept everything to herself, almost to the point that none of them quite understood her or even _knew_ her.

The fact that Lily admitted her feelings now, that she spoke to any of them about what she was thinking, was actually quite a big deal, and so Alice honestly couldn't be angry with how everyone else's problems seemed to be pushed aside.

Their Lily from before the Christmas of third year was back, and none of them were prepared to see her go.

Yet, despite all these things that Alice knew to be true, she couldn't help but feel slightly forgotten. No one knew that she wanted to become an Auror, not because she truly desired the position, but because it meant she could spend more time with Frank. No one knew that she desperately wanted him to tell his mother that he would _not_ follow her advice, that he did _not_ want to do what she thought was the right thing. No one knew how much she wished he'd muster up the courage to say the three words she'd been dying to hear him say, and yet was too cowardly to say it to him first.

No one knew because they were all focused on Lily…

She didn't notice that she was being watched at first, it took a while for her to even look up from the 'essay' she was writing, but she knew there was something off. Mary and Kate were arguing over something as usual—"No, _Kate, _I did not take your disgusting, sweaty, and entirely unsanitary Quidditch gear. I have no idea why you assume I'd have any desire to touch that rubbish, let alone _hide_ it from you."—but Lily wasn't watching the two of them as she had been just minutes ago.

Lily was watching _her_.

It wasn't the good kind of watching either, the 'I care for you and I'm worried about why you're so quiet today,' but more of a, 'I'm going to be completely odd and stare at you in a disturbing manner until you cringe.'

So Alice cringed, hoping it would force Lily to look away in embarrassment that she had been caught in the act of creepy staring, or at least make her realize that she had accomplished her mission of making Alice feel like she had done something wrong. But, as luck would have it, Lily didn't look away, nor did she seem upset that she had been seen.

Apparently, no one had ever told Lily that her green eyes were incredibly frightening when concentrated on one spot in what appeared to be a glare-like stance.

Alice decided that two could play at Lily's stare-off, and she was just about to set out to win the stupid game, when Lily stood up suddenly, an odd gleam in her eyes that Alice could swear she hadn't seen since third year.

"I forgot a book in the library, Alice," Lily said as she pulled her robes over her uniform. "Would you come with me to get it?" Mary and Kate paused their fighting—"I don't care if you've had a hundred dates, Mary MacDonald! I want my gloves back!"—to look up in surprise.

"I'll come with you," Mary offered helpfully when Alice just stared at Lily with an expression similar to a fish caught out of water. Lily's eyes didn't stray from Alice's, but an absolutely feral smile appeared on her face.

"Oh no, Mary. Alice is coming. Right, Alice?"

"Um, yes, I'm going," Alice said uncertainly, hoping Mary would hear the hesitation in her voice and save her. Mary, however, had turned back to yelling at Kate. She pulled on her own robes—more to prolong the time she had with witnesses present than anything—and slowly followed Lily out of the dormitory.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Alice, you can stop shivering like that," Lily said cheerfully as they walked across the common room. Alice nodded, giving Lily some sort of grimace—not entirely sure she believed her redheaded friend—before she noticed the four Marauders sitting in a corner of the common room, staring at the two of them with confused expressions on their faces.

Frank was nowhere to be found…probably off trying to fulfill his _mother's _demands.

Lily pointedly ignored everyone but Alice, not even pausing when Sirius called out her name. But that gleam, that worrisome gleam of…mischief…was still there, still twinkling madly.

"So, where are we really going?" Alice managed to ask once they were clear of the Fat Lady and were walking confidently down the seventh floor corridor—well, Lily was walking confidently, Alice sort of lagged behind like a child whose mother had just taken away his candy.

"Whatever do you mean?" Lily asked, her grin widening slightly. Alice groaned.

"Oh, come _on_, Lily. What are you doing?" Without even bothering to look at her, Lily waved her question off. "_Lily_."

"Alice, have I ever steered you wrong?"

"No, but—"

"And have I ever done anything stupid?"

"No, but—"

"And do you think I'd ever drag you purposely into something that may or may not be a good idea, though it's more likely not a good idea?"

"Um, I—"

"Because, today, my dear Alice Collins, I shall be doing all three." The gleam in Lily's eyes turned into pure happiness, and Alice frowned.

"What are you doing today?" she asked, frowning. Lily grinned and hooked her arm through Alice's, practically pulling her down a flight of stairs.

"Not me alone, Alice. _We_ are sneaking into Hogsmeade."

"We can't do that. You don't know how, only the boys do," Alice said quickly, not liking where this was going. Lily's answering smile was almost blinding.

"Look, you're down in the dumps, and I'm trying to help. So stop questioning everything, and trust me." Alice frowned, but she gave a nod.

"We'll be back before curfew?" she asked as she followed Lily down yet another flight of stairs.

"I promise," Lily said quickly, laughing at Alice's disbelieving snort.

XXX

When he fell off his bed with a cry for the third time that night, James knew it was pointless to continue trying to sleep. Frank mumbled something from his bed, probably wondering if James was alright, but before James even answered the boy was snoring away.

Groaning, James stood up and dusted himself off wishing the damn dreams would go away. After all, he _needed_ to sleep. Three nights of screaming himself awake couldn't be healthy and he honestly didn't appreciate… James stopped his mental rant and frowned slightly. Perhaps it was his paranoia that made him realize there was something wrong, though he thought it was probably more because of the utter silence.

Sirius wasn't snoring.

Normally, James would relish such a miracle. Sirius's snoring had been a source of many fights between the five dorm mates, and it had eventually led to the casting of Silencing Charms around their beds each night so they could actually sleep. In fact, in all the time that James had known Sirius, there had only been four nights of silence—not counting all the nights that Sirius had spent in a separate dormitory, and the niffler days.

The first time it happened was back in first year, only days after being Sorted. Sirius had received an incredibly strongly worded Howler from his mother, something that had been amusing to the other boys, but seemed to actually hurt Sirius.

The second night was almost a year later, in October of second year. James still didn't know what had made Sirius so upset that day, but he wasn't willing to ask. Especially after he found out that Remus knew what had happened. He felt that if it was necessary for him to know, Sirius would have said something by now.

The third time was the after the prank on Snape.

And finally, the fourth time: the day that James forced everyone to choose sides.

James knew that the night of silence meant that Sirius wasn't sleeping, that he was laying awake in bed thinking, justifying, or even hoping for something he'd never have. It was Sirius's way of dealing with his baggage; he brooded and wished for something else. And for the first time, James actually wanted to join his best friend in brooding and wishing for something he knew could never be.

XXX

Frankly, he wasn't surprised that James found him. James had always had that annoying habit…

"Aren't you cold up here?" Sirius nearly laughed at the question. James was wearing a thick cloak, a scarf, and even gloves, and yet he was shivering in the night air. Sirius, however, wasn't even wearing his robes over his school uniform and yet he felt rather toasty.

"Couldn't sleep, James? Another nightmare about being wrong?" Sirius countered, giving his friend a small grin. James wrinkled his nose in disgust and sat down next to him. They were high up in the Gryffindor stands, both of them staring at the pitch.

"I was going to go flying when I saw you up here. Thought a lonely bloke like you could use the company," James said, evading Sirius's question with a grin of his own. Sirius didn't say anything for a moment, wondering if he should talk to James about the dreams that seemed to be plaguing him since he had angrily decided that Lily wasn't worth it. A second later, he decided it wasn't worth the fight it would inevitably lead to if he confronted James.

"Do you think I'm messed up, James?" Sirius asked instead, focusing on himself. James blinked at the question then nodded.

"Yeah, I do."

"I'm serious!" Sirius protested, and James nodded again.

"I know you're serious. I'm serious, too. Look at it this way: You won't eat dinner if the house-elves haven't made your favorite pudding. You have to have ice cream once a week or you throw a fit. You're obnoxious and you talk too much. You think you're funny, but you're not. And you're _my_ best friend. Yeah, you're messed up." Sirius grinned slightly and nodded theatrically.

"Honestly, I think that last reason could put me in St. Mungo's. I must be insane to be _your_ best friend," he said seriously. James nodded in agreement and neither of them spoke for several minutes. He didn't know what James was thinking, but Sirius was desperately wondering if it was time to tell James everything he had kept from him for the past year. "I was blasted off the family tree."

"Oh?" James didn't even bat an eyelash at the statement. He seemed calm.

"Yeah. Mum was furious with me, according to Regulus. He says that she's trying to figure out a way to make sure I never get a single Knut of the Black fortune."

"Thought your Uncle Alphard is planning to leave everything to you and your cousin, Andromeda," James said, his voice still steady, his face practically expressionless except for the small traces of interest and curiosity.

"He is. Apparently, mum is trying to say that since I left, I'm no longer a Black and I can't inherit anything from anyone in the family. Alphard told her to shove it, according to Andromeda."

"How is she, by the way? Still dating that Tonks bloke?"

"Nah, they're married. Have a four-year-old daughter, too. I thought I told you that, it was ages ago."

"Oh, really? Well, good for them!" James exclaimed, his eyes brightening behind his glasses. James had only met Ted and Andromeda once, but he had taken an immediate liking to the two of them. Sirius remembered how James had first been distrustful of anyone who seemed so similar to Bellatrix. It had been amusing to watch James sputter out an apology once he realized how different from her sister Andromeda really was.

"If I have good and bad, doesn't that mean everyone has good and bad?" Sirius asked several minutes later. James had stopped his shivering.

"I don't know. I suppose so," James said quietly. Sirius nodded, a part of him wondering if James even was listening to what he was saying.

"So, does that mean Regulus can be saved? That he must have some good in him?" Sirius knew he sounded desperate, but he no longer cared. Lily may have said that she had no hope for Snape, but Sirius knew that deep down she wished that Snape would come around as much as Sirius wished his brother would.

"Have you considered that maybe Regulus doesn't want to be saved, Padfoot?"

Ah, nickname usage.

Even Frank, who had lived with the four Marauders for nearly six years, still had no idea why the nicknames were used in some instances and not others. It had started from the moment Remus's condition had been discovered, and it remained the same no matter what else changed in their lives.

Nickname usage was a promise, it was their own way of letting each other know that the four of them were more than just friends—they were brothers. That act of going through dangerous Transfiguration in order to help Remus had brought them closer than anyone could even imagine. And the nicknames, though silly, though immature, served as a reminder of their bond.

So James calling him Padfoot at such an odd moment was to remind him that he didn't need Regulus, because he had three other brothers—three other brothers who'd always stand by him.

It seemed James completely missed the point of the conversation. And yet, Sirius was willing to let James say his piece.

"What do you mean, doesn't want to be saved?" Sirius asked slowly, turning to look at James. For a moment, it seemed that James didn't even want to respond, but then he sighed.

"You're so convinced that Regulus is just confused and making a mistake. You're not even willing to think that maybe Regulus knows exactly what he's doing."

"Why are you so quick to think that? Why can't you be open to people who aren't exactly like you?" Sirius snapped angrily. James shoved his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Sometimes you've got to admit that you've been wrong about someone, Sirius!" James hissed, the use of his real name not lost on Sirius. "You can't keep thinking that Regulus might change. He's a bad person!"

"How can you be like this?" Sirius asked incredulously. "How can you not care about Moony's lycanthropy, not care about all my family's baggage, not care about blood purity and all that rubbish, and yet detest Dumbledore, decide Lily's bad because she's on his side, and be so close-minded about everyone!"

"Right and wrong have clear distinctions, Sirius," James began, but Sirius was having none of it. He ran his fingers through his fingers angrily.

"Bullocks! _Clear distinctions_? Who do you think you're talking to, a five year old? I've seen things that you couldn't even imagine, James. When I was ten, my parents had Bella tell us about muggles she and that disgusting man, Lestrange, hurt. She was only fifteen at the time!" James opened his mouth to interrupt, but Sirius didn't stop. "Only two years later, I was forced to watch as Bella and Cissy's insane boyfriends' performed Unforgivables on _my_ pet. My parents laughed, but you know what Regulus did? He cried, James, _cried_. He cried that they were hurting _my_ pet." Sirius paused to take a breath, his chest heaving.

"Sirius, I—"

"No! You need to hear this! That stuff, all that stuff, is terrible. Cissy, Bella, Malfoy, and Lestrange, they're all evil, and completely mad. But Regulus? Regulus is a coward, he's a follower, but he's a _good_ person. _He_ was the person who comforted me when my parents tried to hurt me. _He_ was the person who kept me from starving. Just because he's making a mistake, that doesn't make him a bad person." Sirius was ashamed to feel tears on his cheeks.

"You're saying it yourself. Regulus _was_ that person. He just isn't anymore," James said quietly, looking almost guilty. Sirius let out a mirthless laugh.

"Okay, let's say that my brother is a bad person. What about Lily?"

"What about her?"

"Why is she a bad person? Does she support Voldemort? Does she mess with the Dark Arts?" James's facial features contorted in an ugly manner.

"Lily is a different matter. She _chose_ to be against me," James said angrily. Sirius looked at his best friend in astonishment.

"Are you even listening to yourself, mate? Do you even _know_ Lily at all?"

"I do, I was the one who put that damn book together, wasn't I? And she's choosing Dumbledore's side just to be against my dad."

"Yeah, your dad who's lied to you, told you to do things that furthered his own plans, and hasn't given a damn about what you actually want in ages? Besides, why are you so against Dumbledore anyway? You used to sing the man's praises!" James clenched his fists in frustration, his shivering returning.

"He's been recruiting, Sirius, do you realize that?" James asked heatedly. Sirius snorted.

"Of course he is. How else can he get new members for the Order? If he needs people to fight Voldemort, why not recruit from Hogwarts?"

"He's sinking to Voldemort's level! If Dumbledore can get away with acting the same way as Voldemort, where will the line be drawn? When he's the one killing and torturing for fun?" Understanding flooded through Sirius, and James's entire reasoning for hating Dumbledore and Lily finally became clear.

"You hate not being able to see a distinction. It's wrong for Voldemort to recruit at Hogwarts, but not Dumbledore. That bothers you because there's no distinction between what's the right thing and what's wrong." Sirius grinned, feeling elated that for the first time, _he_ was the one who understood James. Usually, it was Remus who was able to understand how James worked. Then again, Remus was generally smarter than all of them, so they tended to rely on him to figure out what was wrong.

"No, no, that's not true," James muttered, shaking his head and waving his hand in the air. But Sirius could see that he was right—there was an unsure look in James's eyes.

"You've seen grey, and you're lost. You don't know what to do anymore!" Sirius said, almost laughing. James scowled.

"I don't see what's so funny," James hissed, punching Sirius in the arm.

"I can't believe you ditched Lily for something like this. Because you can't accept something that has always existed, exists, you lost the best thing that ever happened to you." James scowl disappeared to be replaced by a forlorn look.

"They're bad people," James said firmly. "I want nothing to do with them." It was then that Sirius realized that James was far worse off than he thought. Slowly but surely, James was turning into Charlus Potter.

"James," Sirius said quietly, "you don't really mean that, do you?" James rubbed his eyes behind his glasses before he sighed.

"No, no I don't mean that," he said softly.

"You don't like what your dad is doing, do you?"

"No, no I don't."

"And you feel bad about what you said about Lily, right? You don't mean that either?"

"Of course not." Sirius smiled slightly and then threw his arm over James's shoulders.

"So why don't you just admit you're wrong?"

"Because I'm not sure of anything anymore," James muttered in anguish, looking as if he had aged years in just that moment.

**A quick update! Thanks to In Love With Prongs, and to everyone who reads/reviews/favorites/etc. Hope you liked the chapter!**


	21. Flashes of Love

Chapter Twenty-one- Flashes of Love

"I've solved it!" Sirius yelled as he practically jumped into his seat, his hand shaking slightly from what seemed to be excitement. Remus didn't look up from his tea, but he wore an amused expression on his face that clearly meant he had already heard whatever nonsense Sirius was about to spew. Grinning in anticipation, Lily put her fork down and decided to humor her friend, even if no one else was willing.

"Solved what?" she asked after she drained the last of her orange juice. Alice snorted into her toast, but otherwise gave no indication that she was even listening. It forced Lily to hide her widening grin.

"James's mystery!" Sirius exclaimed, oblivious to his disinterested friends. Mary was chatting with Corinne, Alice continued to eat her toast, and Remus sipped his tea as he read the newspaper. Even Peter seemed absolutely uncaring.

"I didn't realize James had a mystery," Lily said lightly. Sirius scowled.

"He had a talk with James last night, and he thinks he knows why James is acting odd," Remus said in explanation, his eyes still on the paper.

"Apparently, James is turning into Charlus Potter," Peter supplied helpfully. He gave Sirius an appraising look before shrugging at Lily. "Remus and I completely disagree, though."

"That's because the two of you are prats. Lily will agree with me," Sirius said confidently. Lily nodded expectantly, waiting for Sirius to convince her, but instead, Sirius gave her a shocked look before rushing off, his breakfast left untouched.

"He wants us to follow him," Remus said in a bored tone, slowly folding up his paper and standing up. Peter was already walking in the direction that Sirius had gone. "Alice, Mary, would you like to join us?" Remus asked. Alice laughed and shook her head.

"Oh, it's quite alright. I think I'll keep out of it," she said with another laugh. Mary, however, nodded enthusiastically, and she grabbed Lily by the arm, pulling her into a standing position.

They found Peter and Sirius in the first classroom they looked in, Sirius sporting a superior look on his face, and Peter looking like he was about to laugh. Lily looked at the three boys expectantly, wondering if they'd ever get around to actually telling her what Sirius had apparently 'solved' about James.

The brief confusion as to why she even cared flitted through her mind before she pushed it away.

"James wanted to know why Dumbledore has different rules than everyone else, why he's held in a different light despite doing the exact same thing as Voldemort," Sirius said without preamble, startling Lily out of her thoughts. "Remember that talk we had Lily? And you said James sees things in black and white?" He waited until Lily had nodded before continuing. "Well, I think James has seen grey and doesn't know what to do. Just like his dad!"

"What d'you mean, just like his dad?" Remus asked sharply. Apparently, Sirius hadn't said everything to his friends…

"When I first met James's dad, he hated me," Sirius explained. "Said I was a bad influence, that there was no way someone decent could come from a family like mine. It was James's mum who forced Mr. Potter to stop judging me and give me a chance." Lily shook her head, not understanding where Sirius was going.

"That makes no sense. That just means Mr. Potter is prejudiced, but not that he _doesn't see grey_," she argued, unwilling to give James or Mr. Potter any excuses to act the way they did.

"That's the thing, Lily!" Sirius exclaimed. "They _do_ see grey! And that's the whole problem." Sirius paused and took a deep breath, as if for dramatic effect. "They see it, but they don't consider it an in-between—they don't let go of their two poles idea."

"They just lump 'grey' in with 'black,' yes?" Mary said, her voice laced with mirth. Sirius scowled, but he nodded.

"Remus and Peter were right, Sirius. This is rubbish," Lily snapped angrily. Remus, however, had a contemplating look on his face.

"Actually," he said slowly, "Sirius may have a point here. James might just be struggling with his notions of right and wrong." Lily nearly laughed.

"That's all absolutely _ridiculous_," she said, almost harshly. Everyone turned to look at her, and Lily felt her cheeks heat up, but she refused to back down. "James is willing to do anything for you three," she said, giving the three boys a significant look, unable to speak freely with Mary standing next to her, "willing to anything for the people he loves. For Merlin's sake, he's even once said that he'd kill Severus, if only to keep him quiet." Remus winced, and Sirius's former excited glow faded away. "Right now, James's problem isn't seeing grey—he's seen that and overcame it a long time ago. Right now, his problem is that he has to choose between two people, and he chose his father."

"Over who, Dumbledore?" Peter asked, his face pale. Lily shot him a disgusted look, angry that he was forcing her to finish the statement.

"Over _Lily_, Peter," Sirius said quickly, sparing her. Mary put a hand on her arm, but Lily barely felt it. She was far too consumed with anger.

For days, she had thought about it. At nights, all she could think about was how quickly James just decided she didn't matter. Lily hadn't been able to wrap her mind around the new behavior until she finally had that talk with Corrine.

Corrine had told her about James's letter from his father, about how his dad had told him to make Lily jealous in order to get her to cave. Corrine explained that even though James seemed to think it wasn't working, he went through with it anyway because it was 'from his father.' His father, who had been the one to ask Lily to stay away from his son in the first place.

There wasn't a cell in her body that didn't absolutely detest Charlus Potter.

Time and time again, it seemed that Mr. Potter was out to ruin her life, and time and time again, she felt that the man was succeeding. And what honestly grated on her nerves, more than anything else, was that she could understand what James was doing. It wasn't as if he was deliberately trying to hurt her, but he was doing what his father thought was right, even if he didn't agree.

In storybooks, if the parents ever had a problem with the union of the two fools in love, the couple would run away, preferring each other to their family. In real life, Lily wondered if it was true. Could she have defied her parents and chosen James over what they thought was right? The romantic part of her said of course she would choose James, but her more honest side knew that she would have been too cowardly to do so.

It was much harder to completely cast away every tie one had to their family than most people thought. Sirius was a perfect example. He hated his family with every ounce of his being, and yet, he was willing to do anything—even poison Professor Appleton—if it meant helping his younger brother.

"I thought James would choose you for sure," Peter said softly, his eyes conveying how sorry her felt for her. Lily schooled her face into a cool mask as she shrugged.

"James might not always agree with his dad, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love his dad deeply. I stood no chance," she said simply, shrugging again. Sirius shook his head and then rolled his eyes.

"Stood no chance? Please, don't make me laugh," Sirius muttered, and Remus nodded in agreement.

"That was rather humorous," Remus agreed, his head bobbing up and down. Even Mary looked at her like she was spouting nonsense. Finally, Lily threw her hands up in the air, frustrated beyond belief.

"_I stood no chance_," she reiterated, wondering if they could feel the frustration that was rolling off her in waves. "James loves his family too much." Remus gave her a pitying look that she didn't like to see.

She had gotten over it. She had. James wasn't an issue anymore, it no longer hurt when he acted like she didn't exist. She had moved on. She was better…and she knew very well that she was just fooling herself. It seemed that James had been an issue since she had yelled at him in the library in the beginning of last year.

And it seemed he'd always remain an issue.

"I'd say he loves you more," Mary said suddenly, oddly serious. Lily snorted, but Remus and Sirius nodded empathetically. "I mean, what about your birthday gift?" Lily blinked, completely confused.

Her birthday had been a disaster, as Mary was fond of saying whenever one of them seemed down. However, Mary had made sure Lily had gotten all her gifts. Remus's chocolate cake had been destroyed—though no one had told her how—but he gave her a book on lost magical objects, which Lily had found fascinating. Peter and Sirius teamed up to get her a subscription to _Quidditch Weekly_, and had told her to pass it on once she was done reading them. Mary had gotten her new dress robes—"You never know when you might need them! It's good to be prepared, Lily."—Alice bought her a sneakoscope—"I want to be an Auror, I might as well act as one."—and Kate had gotten her a chess set—"Sorry, Lily, but you're not very good. Your old set doesn't even listen to you anymore."

James hadn't gotten her anything, so she didn't understand what Mary was talking about.

"Oh yeah! About my birthday—Sirius, Peter, thanks for the subscription. Would you like the magazines all at once, or should I just give them to you as I get it?" Peter had enough decency to blush slightly, but Sirius snorted.

"Give it to us as you get it," he said with a wave of his hand. "There's no point to reading it once the season is over." Lily nodded in agreement as she tried to hide her grin, but Mary clicked her tongue impatiently.

"What about James's gift, Lily?" she demanded, as if expecting Lily to gush about how amazing the gift was. Instead, all Mary got was a Lily who blinked several times before shaking her head.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said honestly. "Unless you mean the Joke Parchment—"

"—no, I don't mean the bloody Joke Parchment—"

"—because that was brilliant," Lily continued, absolutely ignoring Mary. It seemed her statement had stumped Mary, because she just seemed disgusted.

"It's moments like these that prove that Lily and James are perfect for each other," Sirius said happily, giving Remus a significant look. "Honestly, _Joke Parchment_? I have one word for you, Remus: wedding!" Lily frowned in distaste.

"Yes, it would be quite the wedding. You know, with the groom _ignoring_ the bride?" Lily said sarcastically. Sirius and Peter, however, just laughed.

"Do you mean to tell me that James never gave you the book?" Mary asked, after shooting silencing glares at Sirius and Peter. Lily shook her head. "So I woke up at the crack of dawn for no reason?" Mary practically shrieked. Lily and Remus exchanged a brief glance before Remus put a hand on Mary's shoulder.

"Maybe he's waiting to give it to Lily later?" he said. Mary snorted.

"Later? It's March! Her birthday was a month ago."

"I'm sure he has good reasons for not giving it to her," Remus tried again. This time, it was Peter who seemed upset.

"He better have. I worked hard to get my uncle to do what James wanted," he complained. Remus winced, and opened his mouth to defend James once more, but then Sirius jumped in.

"Peter's right. All that research, for what? James to decide _not_ to give her the book?"

"I _know_, the absolute _nerve_ of the boy!" Lily cried, having no idea what the others were talking about, but tired of just listening in confusion. Mary frowned at her, and Lily looked at her expectantly. "Well? What is this book that you four seem so upset about?"

"Two days before your birthday, James got me to wake up at the crack of dawn to get ideas on how to sabotage you." Mary paused before frowning and rolling her eyes. "The boy needed the help, because his only idea at that point was _mistletoe_." Lily couldn't help but smile.

"That's not _that_ bad of an idea," Lily commented, blushing deeply after she realized she had spoken aloud. Mary rolled her eyes again, but Sirius chuckled and nudged Remus in the ribs.

"Wedding!" he said, grinning. Ignoring them all, Mary continued.

"Anyway, after I shot down his mistletoe idea," here she gave Lily a quelling look since it must have been obvious she was about to say something, "I told him to do something for your birthday. _He_ wanted to do Joke Parchment Part Two—yes, I get it, Lily. It's not _that _bad of an idea!" Mary said quickly as Lily opened her mouth to speak. Honestly, James's ideas seemed perfectly fine to her…Lily didn't understand why Mary didn't like them. "I told him to do something you'd _love_, not just like. And then he ran off." Sirius nodded enthusiastically.

"He told us he was going to make a scrapbook of sorts full of things you loved," Remus said, continuing Mary's story. "For example, the class you loved most, or your favorite thing to eat at dinner."

"James knew a few things, but he couldn't figure everything out on his own, so he got me to do research," Sirius supplied. "I went around the school, collecting data on you." Lily wrinkled her nose, not quite liking the way that statement sounded.

"My uncle is a squib, and he was able to find your sister and get pictures of your family from her. James said that he didn't think you had too many," Peter said calmly. Mary nodded slowly.

"You see? James cares a lot." Though Lily opened her mouth—to say something, anything—she was unable to make any intelligible noise. In all honesty, it was as if her brain had shut down.

"Maybe it's a combination, Lily," Remus suggested. "Perhaps James is struggling with right and wrong, and at the same time, he's having difficulty with balancing his family with you." No one spoke after that, preferring to walk to their next class in silence.

XXX

"Well, fancy seeing _you_ here," a terribly familiar voice said. Charlus looked up only to see his son standing next to the table, his arms crossed at his chest. It would have been a rather impressive sight—when had his son _grown up? _—except for the glasses that were sliding down his nose.

"James. What are you doing here? How did you get out of school?" James's mouth slightly curved upwards, but his eyes seemed rather cold. It was a look Charlus was familiar with; he saw it all the time at work.

"Funny story, really. You see, I was walking down the fourth floor corridor, heading to the library like any good Hogwarts student would do on a Saturday afternoon, when suddenly, I was here! Mad, right?" James kicked aside a chair and sat on it heavily, his arms still crossed, his eyes still hard.

It suddenly became apparent that Charlus was about to deal with a young man, not a boy. There would be no yelling and frustration this time, but Charlus knew that anything James was about to say would have far more significance than last summer.

James casually checked his watch before leaning back in his chair and giving his father a bright smile. Charlus, however, did not smile. He merely sighed, having a very good idea about what James wanted to discuss.

"I didn't know you knew how to sneak out of Hogwarts," Charlus said lightly, one hand holding his butterbeer, the other raking through his hair. James grinned, but he gave a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Really? Mum's known about it at _least_ since second year."

"I see," Charlus said uncomfortably. He shifted slightly before trying a different track. "I'm impressed you were able to find a passage out of the school." For a moment, it actually looked like James was flustered by the praise, but the look was gone before Charlus even had time to wonder what it could have meant.

"Passage? What do you mean? I just used your old Invisibility Cloak," James lied easily. Charlus closed his eyes, wondering at what point his son had stopped having faith in him.

"I see," Charlus said again, this time with a sigh. "Well, you should probably be off, I'm meeting—"

"—Dumbledore, yes I know. Don't worry, I'll be gone before he gets here. But first, I wanted to have a little chat."

"How did you know I had a meeting with Dumbledore here?" Charlus said, his Auror voice creeping in without his consent. James nearly smirked.

"Dad, has anyone ever asked _you_ how you know they caught a Death Eater last month?" James asked almost sarcastically. "I just know. Now, about this chat of ours—"

"Would you like something else, Mr. Potter?" Rosmerta asked. Charlus and James turned to look at her at the same time and Rosmerta paled considerably. "O-oh, hello James," she said uncertainly, as if she didn't know if it was alright to speak to a Hogwarts student, who had clearly snuck out of the school, in front of an Ministry official. James, however, didn't seem uncomfortable at all.

"Hello, Madame Rosmerta! The usual, please?" This time, color flooded Rosmerta's cheeks and she nodded quickly before rushing off.

"I see you weren't lying about sneaking out of the school since second year," Charlus muttered, angry he didn't know his son, frustrated that Rosmerta served James when she should have sent him back up to the school, and annoyed that Dumbledore had not yet arrived. The man had never been late to anything until now…

"Thank you for your advice on Lily. It was a lot of help, especially since I don't even know why she just stopped talking to me," James said, as if nothing had just happened. Charlus frowned, realizing this was incredibly sensitive. What surprised him the most however—especially when he had received James's letter back in January—was that Miss Evans had opted not to tell James anything.

That made him nervous.

"Is she speaking with you now?" Charlus asked. James grinned as he slammed his chair's two front legs down on the wooden floor.

"Oh, yes, we're dating now. Didn't you know? I assumed Dumbledore kept you well-informed as to what I do at school." It wasn't James's sudden feral grin that made Charlus realize he had been lured into a trap—it was the slight clench in James's fists, the way he held his chin, and his back's straight position. It was like he was ready to pounce.

Charlus chuckled, realizing that there was great potential for James to become one of the best Aurors in decades, but he then shook his head. "And I assume she told you that I asked her to stay away?" he asked, knowing the answer anyway. Of course Miss Evans would tell James the truth. She had no reason to keep it from him. It had been foolish to think she would do otherwise, even if it had been for a moment.

And now he was paying the consequences for his stupidity.

"The threats were against _me_! They had nothing to do with her! Why tell her to stay away, why force her into she didn't want, into something _I_ didn't want?" James demanded, his voice full of emotion, his hands gripping the edge of the table, and a gleam of pain in his eyes. Charlus took a deep breath, but he found he was unable to give a satisfactory answer. "Should I answer the question, Dad?" James asked, the pain in his eyes increasing.

"You don't understand," Charlus tried to say, but James didn't want to hear it.

"No! I don't understand what it's like to lose a son? No, I don't. But I do know that you can't control someone's life just to make sure they're safe. Eventually, they _will_ try to break free." James's voice had softened somewhat, but he hadn't let go of the table.

"James—"

"I asked you for advice, you gave me something that just furthered what you wanted. I asked for the truth, you lied to me. I want to fight, you tell me to cower."

"James—"

"From now on, I make my own choices. I'm not entering the Ministry at all. I want to join the Order once I'm done with Hogwarts, and when Voldemort is gone, I want to teach." Rosmerta rushed over and placed two new bottles of butterbeer on the table before rushing off just as quick. James ignored it. "From now on, _I_ decide if I want to risk being with Lily or not. _I'll _decide between right and wrong. _I'll_ be the judge of who I should be friends with and who not."

"James—"

"Until you can respect that, realize that I am not a child anymore, we're parting ways." James checked his watch and sighed. "Well, that was a nice chat," he said conversationally, clapping his hands together. He stood and gave Charlus one last glance. "Talk to you later?" He phrased it as a question, and Charlus knew what he wanted—assurance that his father would for once let him decide what to do with his life. The assurance that his father would stop trying to force things he didn't want on him, and letting him know that they could _never_ part ways. Assurance that Charlus desperately wanted to give. Instead, he closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Better you hate me than you dying," he muttered under his breath, loud enough for James to hear him. James snorted, grabbed his bottle of butterbeer and shrugged slightly.

"For the road," he said in explanation, holding the bottle up and giving it a little shake. He turned and took several steps away before he stopped. "And Dad?" he said slowly, "I could never hate you." In one fluid motion, James pulled the Invisibility Cloak over his head and shoulders before he was gone.

It was in that instant that Charlus wondered if he had made a mistake. He stood, his chair scraping the floor loudly in the near empty pub, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Let him go, old friend," Albus said, his eyes bright behind his half-moon glasses, looking as if he had been there the entire time.

"But, Albus," Charlus protested, knowing, just knowing, he had lost his son. Albus smiled and shook his head.

"Let him grow up, Charlus. Let _him_ decide. I have no doubt he will be just fine."

"But Voldemort—"

"Will have gained a formidable enemy! Charlus, you cannot hope to stop James from doing what he thinks is right. He is far too much like his father in that regard." Charlus dropped his head in shame and slumped back into his chair.

"I wish he wasn't. Dear _Merlin_, I wish he wasn't." Albus sat across from him, his bright blue robes oddly impressive in the pub. There was a moment in which Dumbledore seemed pensive but then the sparkle in his eyes returned.

"You are a good person, Charlus. I think, more than anyone, you tend to forget that. In time, James will cherish his similarities to you—his stubborn desire to help those that he cares for, his determination in every task he sets himself to, his innate ability to choose the right thing over what is easy—and one day, he may even be lucky enough to understand how hard it is to be a parent who wishes nothing more than the best for their children." Charlus nodded absentmindedly and was ashamed of the single tear that rolled down his cheek. "You have not yet told him about Dorea?" Dumbledore asked, a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"What am I supposed to say? That the reason he sees so little of her is because she's been ill? That the 'writing' she does in her room is actually curling up on her bed, waiting for the pain in her body to subside? Tell James that his parents are far older than they look, and that one of them is dying? Tell him for what purpose? To achieve _what?_" Charlus asked desperately, hating the break in his voice, the pain in his chest.

"Perhaps he deserves to know why you've been so overprotective. Perhaps he needs to know that the real reason you were driving a muggle car, drunk, was because you had just learned your wife was to die, not because of some fictional attack." Why did Albus have to be patient with him? Caring? A friend when he had no one else?

He would have been better off alone.

"He was all Dorea and I had left, Albus, and I lost him. Good Lord, I lost him."

"You have not lost James," Dumbledore said sadly, placing a hand on his shoulder. Charlus closed his eyes tightly, unable to look his friend in the eye. His friend who always did so much for him, and yet he dismissed without a second thought—even comparing him to Voldemort! "You still have at least a year, Charlus. Make the most of it."

"He was all we had left. And now, I lost him." His voice was soft, so quiet he doubted even Dumbledore heard him.

"Charlus—"

"I lost him!" he shouted in response, much to the shock of Rosmerta who dropped several empty mugs and a man who nearly feel out of his chair in surprise. "_I_ lost him!"

XXX

The rest of the school—even the oh-so-clever Ravenclaws—had fallen for it. It had been quite the spectacle, one of the best that any of them had ever seen the Marauders attempt, and yet, it had accomplished its true purpose even better.

It was actually thanks to Jennifer that she had noticed at all, Lily realized. The Ravenclaw girl had been sitting with them, just back from what she said was a, "romantic lunch in the kitchens," with Remus and she was giving Mary, Alice, and Kate all the details. Lily had been listening only partially when Jennifer had made what seemed to be a rather innocuous comment.

"Remus said he had to rush off, something about number twenty-two in some book—"

"Code?" Lily had asked, and Jennifer had nodded. It was then that Lily noticed that none of the Marauders were eating, and immediately, she felt suspicious.

She stood up and went looking for the four boys, not liking the number Remus had mentioned—the only one that she had ever been allowed to read, and only because it concerned her—and knowing that nothing good could come of whatever they were planning. She had just reached the second floor corridor when she bumped, quite literally, into them.

"Oi! Watch it, Evans," Sirius grumbled, rubbing his chest as if he was in great pain. Remus just smiled slightly, and Peter gave her a small wave.

"I think someone's just heard something interesting from Jen," Peter said, a grin appearing on his face.

"Nice job, Moony. Now, we don't have to kidnap her from the table. She came to us!" Sirius exclaimed as he put a hand on her shoulder. Lily shrugged it off.

"What are you three planning? And where's your final partner-in-crime?" Sirius and Peter exchanged mock hurt looks before giving her a glare.

"A Marauder Never Reveals Details Of Any Prank To A Non-Marauder," Peter said levelly, though he seemed quite smug. Remus nodded sadly.

"And you're a Prefect," he said in slight disgust, as if he himself wasn't. Sirius, though, just laughed as he rolled his eyes good-naturedly.

"They're just being prats, Lily. You're an unofficial Marauder, so you can _guess_ the prank." For a moment, Peter seemed slightly disgruntled by Sirius's words, and Lily was on the verge of asking him what was wrong, but before she even could open her mouth, Remus had started speaking.

"Before you say anything, you _are_ an unofficial Marauder again. Well, you were never _not_ an unofficial Marauder, not if you go by the Code, anyway—" Remus stopped abruptly and he looked confused. "I'm going insane," he muttered, putting a hand on his forehead. As he talked, they began walking, and Lily noticed they were heading towards the Great Hall, Sirius's eyes glued to the Map. She frowned.

"Who are you pranking?" she asked them, her Prefect tendencies going into overdrive. It was her job to stop this, it was her job to maintain order…though, to be honest, she was curious.

Besides, it was Remus's job as well, and he didn't seem to care.

"Guess, Lily," Sirius muttered, his eyes still on the Map, his brow furrowing slightly. Although a large part of her was protesting, Lily found herself grinning and thinking about who the Marauders wanted to prank.

"Hmm, can I have a hint?" she asked. Remus and Peter began to shake their heads, but Sirius answered.

"Professor Head," he said with a wide smile, causing Remus to groan. Lily's eyes, however, were widening.

"Dumbledore?" she demanded. Peter rolled his eyes.

"I told you we should have left her out of this," he muttered. "She's going to have a heart attack." Remus gave Peter a quelling look, and Sirius snorted.

"Stop being such a killjoy, Wormtail," Sirius said as he stuffed the Map in his pocket. "Besides, we're pranking old Dumbledore for a very good reason. Lily won't mind."

"May I ask what this very good reason is?" Lily said, still in slight shock. The Marauders never cared much about rules or who they pranked, but they had always had a great deal of respect for Dumbledore. Not once had they done something that would have crossed a line with the Headmaster. She wondered what had changed.

Remus and Sirius merely gave her significant looks as they reached the doors to the Great Hall. It was then that Lily realized why James seemed to be missing. "It's a distraction for James," she said quietly.

"Yes, it is. Have you figured out why he needs the distraction?" Lily shot Sirius an annoyed look. How was she supposed to know _why_ James needed a distraction? But then, a moment later, it occurred to her that this was the first time the Marauders had ever let her in one of their pranks. Usually, they just boasted about it in the common room for everyone to hear. But to be a part of it?

That was unheard of.

They had planned for her to be with them, so that meant she was in some way involved. And if she was involved, and it was Dumbledore that they wanted to distract from whatever James was doing…Lily frowned, wondering if her conclusion was far-fetched.

"Mr. Potter is in Hogwarts? James wants to talk to him?" she finally said. Remus grinned slightly.

"No, and yes," he answered her.

"Mr. Potter is meeting Dumbledore in the Three Broomsticks today after lunch. James is going to talk to him, and we need to distract Dumbledore so he'll be late for his meeting," Sirius explained. "Wouldn't want James to get in trouble, now would we?"

"So how much time are you giving James?" Lily asked, feeling oddly excited by the whole thing.

"About fifteen minutes," Peter answered, shrugging slightly.

"But I don't understand, why did you need me?" Lily asked in confusion, frowning.

"Because, dear Lily, _you're_ serving as the distraction," Sirius laughed right before he pushed her through the doors to the Great Hall and waved his wand wildly.

XXX

"I can't believe that you managed to get Lily to help you," Mary said in awe as she addressed Sirius. Remus and Peter grinned, and Sirius let out a deep laugh. Lily, on the other hand, blushed deeply, feeling incredibly guilty. "I'm surprised she was able to even do it!" Mary continued, ignoring Lily's embarrassment. "I mean, I thought she physically was unable to do things like that. Prefect just runs in her veins!"

After Sirius had pushed her into the Great Hall, Lily had run towards the Head table. As she had suspected, Sirius and the others seemed to have been waiting for just that, because they sent a large, fiery, _thing_, after her, leaving destruction in its wake. The _thing_ left scorch marks on the floor, burned the edges off nearby portraits, and even incinerated the edge of the Hufflepuff table.

Thank goodness it took very little time for Dumbledore to put everything in order. With a single wave of his wand, the flaming _thing_ disappeared, the Hufflepuff table was fixed, and the portraits stopped their incessant yelling. And then he had just smiled at her, his eyes twinkling merrily before he said he had somewhere to be, and just walked off.

However, it was very _unfortunate_ that the only person who seemed to believe she wasn't involved in the prank was Dumbledore. Which meant she was given her second detention by McGonagall who had calmly told her that she was losing focus and might very well end up a failure in life.

As Remus was so kind to mention to her on their way back to the common room after McGonagall's speech, the Professor had _never_ had a detention in _her_ life.

Listening to Mary raving about her new 'bad' behavior actually wasn't as bad as she had thought it would be, though. In fact, if she wasn't so embarrassed that she had actually broken a rule, she might have actually laughed at Mary's words. Then again, she did feel rather uncomfortable. Not because she was causing Alice and Kate to laugh so hard that tears were in their eyes, and not even because Sirius had decided to make it seem like _she_ had planned the whole thing.

It was because James was staring at her.

To be honest, though, Lily did have to admit that he wasn't staring _at_ her, but at a point right above her head. And though she felt a tad arrogant to even think it, she was sure that he was observing her carefully, as if he was taking notes on how she acted. Frankly, the whole thing disturbed Lily.

She decided to ignore it.

James was rather persistent.

It wasn't much longer before the common room began to empty, the students all turning in for bed. Lily knew that it was officially a perfect time for her to escape up to her dormitory—Gryffindor? Who had ever heard of such a silly term?—but it seemed Mary and the others had also noticed James's staring. At one point Kate mouthed, "Talk to him," to her, but Lily shook her head. She stood up, bid everyone goodnight, and practically ran up to the dormitory.

Godric Gryffindor, she was sure, was rolling in his grave.

XXX

James looked a bit queasy, and he was refusing to eat, so, naturally, Sirius was worried. After all, James always had a decent breakfast.

"Okay, no food? Fine. At least drink some juice," Sirius pleaded, getting nods of agreement from Peter and Remus who were also looking at James worriedly.

"Not j-juice," yawned Lily from several seats down, where her elbow was practically in her plate, her body sagging on the table. "J-James," she paused to yawn once more, "only drinks tea in the morning. Two teaspoons sugar." Her eyes then drooped, her head fell forward, and it looked like she was fast asleep. Sirius and the others looked at Lily for a moment before turning back to James. He had an odd look on his face, as if he was torn between amusement, tenderness, and shock. By that point, Sirius could see that Mary and Alice were heading towards the Gryffindor table.

"So, what's wrong with Evans?" he asked as Mary sat down and pulled a plate of eggs towards herself. Mary shook her head, but Alice responded.

"A few days ago, Lily and I snuck off to Hogsmeade—"

"—without me," Mary interrupted, but everyone ignored her.

"—and we bought Kate and Mary sweets from Honeydukes. Anyway, last night, Lily thought it would be a good idea to indulge in sweets, and she might have overdone it a bit." Alice shrugged, and poured herself some tea. Lily jerked up, her eyes wide and frantic.

"Am I late for class?" she demanded. Mary snorted, patted her on the shoulder, and shook her head sympathetically.

"Lily, it's _Sunday_. No class," she said patiently. Remus laughed.

"Merlin, Lily, how much candy did you eat, and how did it lead to _this_?" he asked, a grin forming on his face.

"That's the thing," Alice laughed. "I think she ate three chocolate frogs, but she went absolutely mental. Lily has no tolerance for late night sugar highs."

"In order to get any sleep at all, Alice Stunned her at around three," Mary said as she snorted once again, possibly thinking about the moment Alice Stunned Lily.

Sirius was grudgingly impressed.

"They don't tell you, but it _hurts_ to be hit by a Stunner," Lily commented at that point, sitting straight up for the first time that morning. "I have an enormous, horrible, bruise on my shoulder now." She rubbed her right shoulder absentmindedly, wincing slightly as Alice blushed.

"Well, you were jumping on your bed, Lily! It's not like you made it all that easy to aim!"

"What were you aiming for, Alice?" Lily asked suspiciously, but Alice shook her friend frantically, grabbed an apple, and muttered something about Frank before rushing off. Sirius watched Alice leave in amusement.

"Nice going, Evans, you scared her off," he said. Lily focused her narrowed eyes on him.

"What did I do? You only call me Evans if you're upset with me about something," she said slowly, seeming wide-awake.

"I'm not upset. Why should I be upset?" he said quickly, unable to keep his eyes from flickering over to James, who was at that point determinedly pretending as if he _wasn't_ paying avid attention to Lily's every move.

The thing was, Sirius wasn't exactly upset, but he was frustrated with the both of them, and even more so, with Remus. The idiot had made Sirius promise that he wouldn't interfere with Lily and James, but it was so _hard_.

His friends were absolutely hopeless, and he desperately wanted to help. Was that really so bad?

Lily gave him a searching look before she let her shoulders sag. "Eh, I don't have the energy to figure you out. I need to go to detention, and I have Slughorn's stupid essay to finish," she said in a bored tone, standing up as she spoke. Sirius found himself wincing slightly.

"Sorry about the detention, Lily. We didn't think McGonagall would actually think you were involved," he explained, lying through his teeth. Sure, the prank served as a distraction for James, but it also made a rule-breaker out of Lily. Personally, Sirius thought he should be commended for his hard work.

"You're not sorry. None of you are," Lily whined pathetically. "One detention in my first five years at Hogwarts, and now, I'm ruined."

"It's only a week's worth of detention. It's not that big of a deal," Sirius said reasonably. Out of the corner in his eye, he saw James stiffen slightly, his head turning once more towards Lily.

"You don't get it, Sirius. You think I ran towards Dumbledore to warn him! But I only said that because Mary wouldn't stop talking about how 'bad' I am now," Lily muttered, banging her head against her palm. James's eyes widened, and Sirius found himself incredibly curious. Whatever could have made the great never-break-a-rule Lily break a rule?

Unfortunately, it was then that Lily actually noticed who was sitting across from Sirius. Her eyes widened, and she immediately took a step back.

"Lily?" Sirius prodded, wanting her to continue. Lily shook her head, and the next thing he knew, she was walking away as quickly as she could.

XXX

"She ran away from you, James," Remus said, apparently opting for stating the obvious. Rather than respond, James groaned and he stood up, quickly rushing after Lily.

He wasn't going to just let her go. Not again, anyway.

"Lily! Lily, wait!" James yelled, rushing up the stairs after her. He saw her pause for a moment before her steps quickened. "You can run, Lily, but you can't hide!" he called after her as he continued to run. "Remember, I have the Map!" Just as Lily was turning the corner, she stopped, her cheeks red, her chest heaving, but her green eyes aflame. She seemed angry.

"Hide? I don't hide," she bit out as he neared her. "I'm a Gryffindor! I am no coward." James winced, realizing that perhaps he had said the wrong thing. But rather than argue his meaning, he just gave her a pleading look.

"Lily, please. Please just listen to me." Lily's chin suddenly seemed to stick out, her back stiffening. Every feature on her face was calm and collected—except her eyes. Her eyes were so _hard_. So cold.

"Listen to you? Why? Because for the past month you've done nothing but insult me, tease me, _hurt _me? How do I know this isn't another trick?"

Once upon a time, James would have looked at Lily's face and seen nothing but loathing, disgust. He would have thought that she wanted nothing more than for him to walk away, never to bother her again.

But James had grown up. Yes, perhaps her fists were clenched, and perhaps her lips were so tightly pressed that it was a wonder she could even move them. But James could see something flash in her eyes, something that he never would have caught just a month ago.

She was pleading.

He didn't know why. Perhaps it was because she was tired of losing people close to her and she wanted to hold on to him. Or perhaps it was because her heart was so pure, she couldn't stand having even one person dislike her. But James—not wanting to sound self-centered—rather thought she was pleading for him to stay purely because she _wanted_ him around.

Lily was so good at keeping herself guarded that he had never noticed it before. His mind had always been on getting her to date him, or getting her to admit she fancied him. It never occurred to him that he _shouldn't_ focus on that. It never occurred to him that it wasn't about the chase.

The fact was, the reason he never told her that he loved her back was because—at the time—he didn't think he did.

He fancied her, undoubtedly. He thought she was funny and loyal, so kind and caring. He found her fascinating, and she made him want to be better. But love her? No, he didn't love her.

At least, of course, at _that_ time.

The fact was, the entire time he thought he loved her, all his focus was on himself. Why wouldn't she pay attention to _him_? Why didn't she listen to what _he_ said? Why wouldn't she let go of her pride and admit _he_ was right about Dumbledore? He comforted her and tried to help her, and yet—though he was ashamed to admit it—there had always been those nagging thoughts in his head.

Spending a month, completely detached from her, merely paying attention to what she did everyday, had made him see light. Lily _did_ pay attention to him. She had blatantly proved that at breakfast with her tea comment. And she _did_ listen to him, he knew that. And he realized how much she cared. Which in turn made him realize that what he thought he had before…? That wasn't love.

Love wasn't an attraction. It wasn't just caring for someone. It wasn't even realizing that you'd do anything for that person just to see them smile. Because James had felt all that for Lily in the beginning of the year.

To love someone was to know all their goods and bads, and accept it all the same.

To love someone was to pay attention to little things, to quirks, and find them adorable, or amusing, or charming.

To love someone was to want nothing more than that person to be next to you as often as possible.

To love someone was to realize that there was no room for arrogance and ego. It was to realize that, sometimes, you just had to let things go.

It was to learn just how to forgive.

His father had been fond of saying that it was far easier to forgive your worst enemy than it was to forgive someone you love. James had never quite understood that until recently.

"It's not another trick, I swear. Lily, I know I've been terrible. Just please, hear me out?" Again, there was that flash in her eyes—that same one he'd seen out by the lake and was unable to define. The same one he saw every time she looked at him. The same one that had been absent for so long after her parents died. The same flash that he swore would have a permanent place in her gaze. Lily nodded slowly, and leaned against the stone wall, her eyes never leaving his.

"All right," she said hesitantly, that flash reappearing for a moment. It gave him hope.

"Look, Lily, do you know who I am?" Lily's eyebrows furrowed, and she blinked.

"You're James," she said simply, her voice carrying a hint of anger and impatience.

"Yes, yes, but who is James?"

"Well, apparently, he's my absolutely mad former friend," Lily said in frustration. She made to leave, but James grabbed her wrist gently.

"Wait! Do you know my favorite color?"

"James, you're being ridiculous—"

"Just answer!"

"Red. It reminds you of Gryffindor," she answered furiously, wrenching her wrist out of his hands. But she didn't leave.

"Alright, and do you know my favorite food?" Lily rolled her eyes.

"You tell Sirius that you like treacle tart—even though technically that's a dessert—but you like the roasted vegetables the house-elves make for dinner the most. I think you're the only one that does." James felt his eyes widen in surprise. He hadn't actually thought she'd get both questions right.

"How! How do you know that?" he asked her, throwing his hands up in the air.

"What do you mean?"

"How can you know that I love the roasted vegetables but you don't know that my family is so rich that I don't even have to work. And neither do any of my future children." It was Lily's turn to have widened eyes.

"That's…impressive?" she said after a long pause. James snorted.

"You even knew my favorite damn color, but you have no idea what I want to be once I graduate Hogwarts." He looked at her, her dark red hair, her brilliant green eyes, and he wondered what she was thinking. "How can you know the little things, but none of the big things?"

Lily was silent for a long time, but when she finally answered, she had a small smile on her face, and that flash in her eyes? It lasted much longer than it usually did. "Everyone knows the big things, James. I'd rather be the one person that knows all the little things." James nodded, finding that he agreed with her. That's what he wanted as well.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he said softly. "I don't care if you support _Voldemort_. I'd follow him gladly if it meant being closer to you." He took a step closer to her, and Lily didn't back away.

"No, you wouldn't," Lily laughed. "You wouldn't be James if you did." He ignored her statement and took another step closer. She still didn't back away.

"I don't care what my dad thinks. For once, I'm doing what I want."

"Family is so important, James," Lily protested. Once again, he ignored her and took a step forward. Once again, Lily remained still.

"Your favorite color is blue. It calms you down," he all but whispered. "You're the person that knows all _my_ little things. I want to be the person that knows all _your_ little things," he said a little louder. Lily smiled and she took that last step forward so that they were so close that they were barely touching. And then suddenly, before James could even react, she had leaned forward, stood on her toes, and given him a lingering kiss on the cheek.

"I'm sorry, James, but I'm not opening myself up to you again so soon."

"Lily—"

"You had another boy impersonate you to hurt me. You said anything you knew would be painful. You acted like I didn't even exist for days!" She took two steps back and shook her head frantically.

"I was angry at my father! I was confused and unsure about everything. It was never even really about you," James explained quickly, knowing it wasn't a good excuse.

"Then why let it out on me?" she demanded, tears forming in her eyes. "Why make me feel so terrible if it had nothing to do with me?"

"Tell me what to do in order to prove that this time it's different," James said, surprised when Lily looked at him curiously.

"What do you mean, 'this time it's different?' How is it different?"

"Because before—before, I just fancied you! But now it's bigger than that. It's so much bigger than that," he said, running his fingers through his hair. He thought that he said the wrong thing, but Lily just smiled.

"Start planning then, James," she said lightly. He frowned.

"Mary told you about the mistletoe thing, didn't she? Bloody traitor," he mumbled. Lily laughed and shook her head.

"I think the idea had merit," she said with a wide grin. Her eyes, so hard and cold before, were now warm. And that flash kept appearing…

And James? Well, he was sure that the same flash appeared in his eyes every time he saw Lily. He swore to himself that he would make it permanent—for the both of them.

XXX

Alice looked at Frank angrily, her cheeks burning red. They were in the library—once again—when he had made that _stupid_ off hand comment. How could he? _Why_ would he?

"You completed your Auror application, already?" she repeated in a hiss, knowing that Pince was watching them carefully. She didn't want to yell at her boyfriend, but she felt that he deserved it. "You told me that you'd spoken to your mother, that Mrs. Longbottom decided it didn't matter what you wanted to do."

"I lied, Alice! Mum wasn't too happy with me when I told her that you and I didn't want to apply to the Auror Academy. She told me that if _you_ wanted to 'besmirch' your family name, she didn't care. But I had no right to."

"Why don't you tell her to leave you alone, Frank?" Frank seemed uneasy at the question. He began to twiddle his fingers, and the next things she knew, he was looking at her like a child who had been caught doing something wrong.

"I _want_ to be an Auror. It was never my mum's idea in the first place," he said dejectedly, hanging his head. Alice froze, unable to comprehend what he meant.

"But teaching?" she managed to sputter out.

"A lie. I _never_ wanted to teach. It's just, I knew you weren't exactly fond of the Aurors, you know, because of your dad and all—"

"So you decided to lie to me? Decided that I didn't need to know what you wanted? Tell me, Frank, who do you know who really wanted to teach? You're not a good liar, so you must have stolen the idea from someone." Frank stiffened, and his face grew guarded.

"I can't tell you," he muttered. "He doesn't want anyone to know yet."

"It's James, isn't it?" Alice said thoughtfully. When Frank paled, she knew she guessed right. "You forget that I _grew_ _up_ knowing the Potters."

"Yes, it's James! He was talking about it to Sirius, and I overheard him. I don't think he even knows I know." Alice nodded, and then she gave Frank a smile.

"You mind helping me with my application?" she asked him. If it was possible, he paled even more.

"No! No, no. It's too dangerous. And you don't even want to be an Auror," he said quickly, shaking his head.

"I never get to see my father because of his job, Frank. I will _not_ let that happen between me and you. So, either you find it in your heart to accept what I've decided to do, or we just break up." She tried to put on a stern face, but she was sure some of her panic was leaking through. Why couldn't he have chosen a safer job? Why couldn't he have decided to do something _else_ with his life? Why didn't he realize that she just wanted him there with her, and nothing more?

"Alice, I—I don't want to break up," he said slowly, his eyes filled with worry and that same panic that was consuming her. "But, being an Auror, it's not safe. Especially now—"

"—that Voldemort is so powerful? I read the newspaper, too, Frank. I've seen the number killed, the muggles tortured, the homes burned. But if you think for one minute that I'll let you go out and try to fight him without me, you've got another thing coming, you under—" She stopped talking when Frank leaned over the table and pressed his lips to hers.

"I understand. I think I have an extra application in my bag." She nodded in victory, but then looked at him worriedly.

"Isn't it early to apply? We're not even seventh years." Frank shrugged.

"We're not turning them in yet. We'll have to wait till December before we can do that," he said, shrugging once more. Alice nodded in understanding. For a moment, she thought back to her words, and fear gripped her. Being an Auror, now of all times, was practically suicide.

"Everything will be all right. We'll all get through this, yeah? All of us?" she said before she could stop herself. Frank looked at her carefully for a moment and then sighed.

"I hope so," he said softly, and his eyes went to that morning's _Daily Prophet_, where names of those who had died in a recent attack had been listed.

XXX

Her mind was nothing more than a swirl of frantic thoughts and confusion, but her body was protesting each and every step she took. James's sudden change had left her completely addled, unable to understand him or anything he said. Combine her mind's inability to work correctly, and her body's inability to keep her walking in a straight line, and you had an incredibly _drunk-like_ Lily Evans.

The thing about Stunning someone was that the person Stunned wasn't asleep. In fact, they were wide awake, just unable to see or hear anything. It was quite the disconcerting experience. And it meant the next morning, they were completely out of it.

So, she was tired, she was confused, and she wanted James to run after her and say that she didn't need any time at all. Of course, that wasn't at all what she got. Instead, James had agreed readily with her, 'I need time,' comment, and had her wondering if either of them were true Gryffindors. He was afraid of pushing too hard, she was afraid of getting too close to him.

Stupid, bloody fear. Stupid Sorting Hat. Stupid, stupid, stupid—

"We don't care what you think, Severus. The mudblood has it coming," hissed the voice of Mulciber.

"She hasn't even done anything. She stayed away from Potter, and she's left us alone," Severus hissed right back. Lily felt her eyes widen and she immediately backed away from the door she was walking past. Only a handful of students were milling around on the other side of the corridor; otherwise, she was utterly alone.

"You make me sick, Severus. Just because you want to shag the mudblood—"

"This has nothing to do with it! Dumbledore is already watching us closely. He won't like it if we hurt his favorite student," Severus said reasonably. Absolute disgust flooded through her, and she wanted to rush off, run—do anything but stand there like a deer caught in headlights—but she felt frozen.

"Who gives a damn about Dumbledore? We'll have our fun with her—after all, we need to practice those curses—and then you can have _your_ fun too." There was a long pause, as if Severus—her best friend, her oldest ally—was contemplating the offer.

"Practice on Potter instead," he said finally. "Or on Black. I know Regulus has been itching to get back at him. Leave the mudblood alone. She gets hurt, and we'll be sent to Azkaban before we know it." Mulciber snorted, and someone else from farther in the room, seemed to give a mirthless laugh.

"See that, Mulciber? That's why he's leading the loyal at Hogwarts and not you." Was it Avery? It seemed familiar, and she was sure she had heard before, but she couldn't place it. Perhaps it was someone older, someone who had already graduated…How did they get into Hogwarts though? Was Dumbledore aware? Fear and panic filled her entire core, and she knew she needed to get to her Headmaster.

"He's just protecting the mudblood, and you know it," Mulciber said bitterly. There was another of those cold laughs.

"He may just be protecting the girl, but he makes far more valid points than you." A pause, some scuffling, and then: "Don't forget, the Dark Lord wants to make an example of this. Strike fear into the old codger's heart. Got it?"

Lily didn't wait around to see if she could hear anything else. She finally managed to move her legs, and she ran as quickly as she could—straight to Dumbledore's office.

XXX

Mary shivered involuntarily as Lily finished her account of what she had overheard right before her detention, and found that her heart was beating far quicker than it should be.

"And you're sure they were talking about you?" Frank asked. He was perched on the arm of the seat his girlfriend sat on, his arms crossed at his chest. Alice and Kate both turned to him hopefully, perhaps wondering if Lily had gotten it all wrong.

"Well, when I told Dumbledore what I heard, he felt that they were talking about me," Lily muttered, running her fingers through her hair in a manner very similar to James. Sirius leaned towards Remus and whispered something in his ear as Peter nodded at whatever Frank was then discussing with James.

None of them were looking at Lily anymore, but Mary was.

"I think that as long as we're smart about this, nothing will happen," Alice said with forced lightness. "You'll have to deal with two to three of us at all times, but you should be fine."

"Oh, no. I do _not_ need bodyguards," Lily immediately yelled, only to get hushed by Sirius. It seemed a stupid thing to do, though. The only other thing in the entire common room that was alive were the roaring flames of the fireplace.

"Lily, Alice is right. I know you don't like the idea of us watching your back, but you have to admit, it's necessary," Kate said in a soft voice.

"It isn't necessary! I can take care of myself. Yes, I'll have to be more careful as to where I am at all times, but I don't need you all following me around like puppies." Again, no one seemed to want to look at Lily. They all were staring at their feet, or the fire, or even the ceiling. None of them could see past the façade that Lily was putting up. None of them noticed that she seemed incredibly afraid.

No one noticed that Mary seemed very afraid as well.

"Lily, now isn't the time to be stubborn," Remus said pleadingly.

"You don't understand—" Lily began to shout, but she cut off when Mary grabbed her arm tightly.

"_No_. I'm afraid _you_ don't understand Lily. Just stop with the act. Please, it's getting us nowhere."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Lily hissed, her green eyes narrowing in distaste.

"James and I are the only two people who _do_ know what it's like to be attacked, Lily! This isn't something you can just shrug off by pretending to be brave," Mary said angrily, tears blurring her eyesight though she refused to let them fall.

Being attacked, it wasn't something you forgot so quickly. It stuck with you, it never went away, and that fear—that overpowering, agonizing terror—sometimes could become too much to handle. Mary had been able to hide her fear of being alone for even a moment very well, but hearing that her closest friend could go through the same thing she did…?

She had unraveled completely.

"_Oh, Mary_," Lily muttered, seeming to understand what Mary hadn't said.

"Just don't take this lightly," Mary said dazedly, feeling lightheaded suddenly. It was at that point that James stood, and spoke for the first time.

"Do any of you mind if I spoke to Lily privately?" he said softly, looking more at Mary than the others. When she gave her nod of affirmation, the others agreed as well, and as she left the common room, Mary didn't even turn to take one last glance at Lily.

After all, it seemed someone else had been watching her closely as well.

XXX

He didn't speak for several minutes, wanting to ensure that they were absolutely alone. Instead, he was content to merely watch Lily, just as he had been doing for the past several days. She was fiddling with a ring on her finger, one that James had never noticed her wear before. The ring was silver and plain, the only decoration a single flower. But it suited her, he thought.

"I like the ring," he said to break the silence. Lily looked up at him in shock, but then color flooded her cheeks and she shoved her hands in the pockets of her robes.

"Yes, it's nice, isn't it?" she said softly, barely meeting his gaze. James's curiosity flared, but he pushed it away; there were more important things to discuss than her odd behavior concerning the ring. He sighed, shoved his glasses back up to their rightful place, and then turned his gaze onto Lily's face.

"Are you alright?" he asked her quietly, wondering if Lily would admit anything.

"I'm fine. Yes, they were talking about me, but Snape convinced them to leave me alone," she said. The fact she called the git by his last name was not lost on James.

"Do you really think _Mulciber_ cares what Snape tells him, Lily? What did Dumbledore tell you to do?" Her eyes narrowed slightly, and her formerly tightly pressed lips turned into a frown.

"_Professor_ Dumbledore has asked me to be on my guard," she said simply, a certain challenge in her voice. James closed his eyes as he realized where all the hostility was coming from.

He and Lily hadn't talked in quite some time. She didn't know about how confused he had been concerning Dumbledore, the Ministry, and his father. She didn't realize that he had been trying to figure out exactly where he stood, and where that left the people he cared about.

It was…hard…to read the newspapers and see that the only person in the Ministry who seemed to care about Voldemort was the Minister herself. It was difficult to realize that the Auror department had been infiltrated by those loyal to Voldemort, and that nothing was safe. It was even worse to finally open his eyes and see that there was no future for him in the Ministry—a place he had wanted to work at since he was just a child.

"We need to talk, don't we?" he said with a slight smile, obviously surprising Lily. She frowned at him with suspicion.

"I suppose we do," she said slowly, hesitantly. James sighed and stood, unable to sit still as he spoke to her.

"About a day after our argument about loyalty, I—I realized that I didn't care. I didn't care if you supported _Voldemort_, for Merlin's sake, as long as we still talked, still were close." Lily laughed softly at those words, but when he looked at her quizzically, she just motioned for him to continue. "I was going to tell you, but, I just…couldn't. It was easier to keep up the anger. It was easier to say that you were the one in the wrong and that you had to change for me than it was to just accept our differences. So I didn't tell you anything."

"Obviously something changed," Lily said, leaning forward and propping her elbows on her knees. She actually seemed interested in what he had to say, and it elated and frightened him at the same time.

"I had already decided a while back that I wasn't going to let my dad tell me what I have to do. I decided that I wanted nothing to do with Aurors, and that Dumbledore is our best chance at winning this war. Yesterday, when you helped with the prank, despite not wanting to—"

"About that," she interrupted, looking decidedly guilty. "I sort of _wanted_ to help. And you have to swear you'll never repeat this to anyone else, but it _was_ sort of fun." She blushed crimson, her eyes on the floor rather than on him. James smiled and shook his head.

"You helping with the prank just cemented what I had realized when I had that talk with Sirius—don't look at me that way, I know he's already told you." Lily blushed again. "I was a prat, Lily, and I'm so sorry. Dumbledore just wants to stop Voldemort, and if it means that we have to do things that may not be considered completely good…well, I think I can handle it."

"Right. What _really_ made you change your mind, James?" Lily asked, looking at him shrewdly. It was James's turn to blush.

"I don't know what you mean," he began, but stopped when Lily started laughing.

"Come off it, James!" she giggled. "A talk with Sirius would not have changed your mind. You don't listen to his advice."

"Yes, I do! Sirius is my best mate, I listen to his advice all the time!" he protested, looking slightly guilty as he spoke.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want, I guess," she said slowly, smiling slightly. "If it's _really_ that embarrassing." James looked at her in surprise, confused for a moment. Her eyes were bright with mirth, and she had a mischievous grin on her face. She was actually goading him into telling her what she wanted to hear.

He was embarrassed to say it worked, but proud that the former stickler for the rules had relaxed somewhat. He liked to think it was his doing.

"It's not embarrassing," he said, trying hard not to laugh.

"Really?"

"Yes, really." Lily raised her eyebrow, but she didn't press the issue. Instead she smiled slightly at him.

"Have you spoken to your dad lately?" she asked him, her eyes losing their glow. James looked at her for a moment before he sighed.

"I gave him an ultimatum, and he's…" James sighed again, glad that Lily seemed to understand. Her hands, which she had hidden away in her pockets since the conversation started, were in her lap and she was playing with the ring—obviously not even noticing she was doing it.

"I'm so sorry, James," she said slowly, much to his shock. "I feel as if it's all my fault that you're at odds with your dad."

"It's not! Really, Lily—"

"I'm glad we're talking again," she interrupted him, and then, without another glance back, she stood up and left for her dormitory. It was only several minutes later, when James was getting into bed, that he realized he hadn't tried to convince her to allow 'bodyguards' of sorts.

And it was only after a half-hour of laying in bed and thinking that he realized that Lily had never intended to talk about bodyguards in the first place.

**Hello all! Sorry it took a while for this chapter; it was a hard one to write. Anyway, there was something I wanted to ask. I sorta planned this story all the way up to several weeks after Lily and James's deaths. However, I think that'll make this story **_**way**_** too long. So here's what I'm putting up to a vote: One, I keep going as planned and write a very long story. Two, I stop at the end of seventh year and then put up a series of one-shots about the most important things that happen, i.e. wedding, deaths, etc. Or three, I just stop at the end of seventh year and call it quits on this story. I'm asking you, the wonderful readers, because I think that's the only way it's fair. So let me know what you all think. And, as always, thanks to everyone who reads, reviews, favorites, etc., and to my beta, In Love with Prongs. Hope you liked the chapter! **


	22. Losing Wit and Humor

Chapter Twenty-two- Losing Wit and Humor

"So, the day has come. James Potter is of age. How…disturbing."

"Oh, shut it, Sirius, he looks ill," Remus snapped, bending over to look at James closely. Sirius just chuckled.

"So he had a few drinks and now he's paying for it. So what?" Remus turned around briefly, shooting Sirius a glare.

"James didn't drink last night. He was with me, working on the DADA essay," he explained before looking at James once more. His eyes seemed red-rimmed, his cheeks were pale, and he had a gaunt look about him, as if he hadn't been eating for days. "I think he's sick," Remus muttered, causing Sirius to snort.

"James sick? That's not possible. _James Potter_ doesn't get sick," Peter said pompously, obviously trying to imitate James's arrogance. Remus was ashamed to realize that it was a spot on impersonation.

"Well, he does _look_ ill. Perhaps we should take him to Pomfrey just in case?" Frank said, his voice muffled by his robes, which he was pulling over his head. Sirius snorted again.

"James is not ill. Ask him. Go on, just ask," he said superiorly, crossing his arms in front of his chest, a smug grin appearing on his face. Frank finally managed to get his robes on correctly, and he gave Sirius a disbelieving look. Remus rolled his eyes, but bent closer to James anyway.

"James, mate, you feeling all right?" he asked, unsurprised when James shook his head—with what seemed to be incredible effort. Sirius, however, seemed betrayed.

"What d'you mean, _no_?" he demanded, pushing Remus out of the way so he could look James in the eyes. "Marauders never get ill!"

"Remus gets ill all the time, Sirius. I don't know what you mean," Frank interjected with a small grin, as if he was overjoyed to be able to prove Sirius wrong. Peter's eyes widened in shock, and despite all that they had taught him over the years to keep Remus's secret, he panicked.

"What do you mean?" he squeaked. "Remus is never ill!"

"Shut up, Wormtail," Sirius snarled, causing Frank to frown, and Remus to wince. Ever since his 'prank' on Snape, Sirius had taken it upon himself to ensure that Remus's secret was preserved. While it was kind of Sirius, Remus was beginning to feel annoyed.

"While flattering, you three arguing over me isn't helping James. C'mon Sirius, let's take him to Pomfrey," Remus said wearily, causing Peter to nod vigorously and Sirius to scowl once more.

"Ill. Honestly, of all the nerve," he muttered as he helped Remus hoist James out of his bed. For a moment, it seemed James was able to stand on his own, and Remus reached for his friend's robes while Sirius searched for his glasses, but then—before either of them could react—his legs gave way, and he hit the ground, face first.

The look on all their faces was nothing short of comical, Remus decided.

Frank looked as if Christmas had come early, his eyes bright, a wide grin on his face. Peter seemed to be in shock, and Sirius was looking at James as if he was contaminated.

"James just fell," Frank said happily, shrugging when Sirius shot him a glare. "What? It's _funny_, and you know it."

"Yeah, it is a little funny," Peter agreed, looking at Sirius apologetically.

"Traitors, both of you. Your friend has gone down and you laugh!" Remus frowned in confusion.

"Just the other day, when James got caught in the trick step—because _you_ pushed him—you laughed for nearly an hour," he said, grinning slightly. Immediately, Sirius stuck out his chest and he gave Remus an offended look.

"Well. I've never been more insulted in my life! Are you saying I'm a bad friend?" he demanded. Peter grinned and nodded, but before Sirius could lash out, Remus held up his hands.

"We can argue later. Right now, James needs Madame Pomfrey," he said, leaning over to grab James by the collar of his pajamas to pull him up. "C'mon, James, get up. We're not going to carry you," Remus said when James just groaned.

"This is going to be one of _those_ days, isn't it?" Peter asked in a whine when James heaved up all the contents of his stomach all over his feet. Remus just grimaced.

XXX

March 27th. A part of her was full of satisfaction at the thought that she was just about two months older than James, but another part of her just didn't care.

Absentmindedly, Lily twisted the ring Dumbledore had given her around her finger, thinking about how lucky it was for James to have his birthday on a Saturday. There would be no shouts of 'happy birthday!' for him all day, from professors and students he didn't even know or like. No, James would just have a nice quiet day, free of the prying eyes of insincere people.

"Nice ring, Evans," Sirius said happily as he sat down next to her. She looked at him, frowned, and held her hand up to her nose.

"Why do you smell like vomit?" she asked him bitterly.

"Why are you having breakfast all alone?"

"I asked my question first."

"So? I'll answer you once you answer me," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. Lily wrinkled her nose but realized arguing further would accomplish nothing.

"I'm eating alone because the others refused to wake up before ten on a Saturday morning. Apparently, what I'm doing is considered blasphemy," she muttered, picking up her fork and twirling it between her fingers, her eyes now on the ring.

"It _is_ blasphemy, Evans. And I smell like vomit because _James_ has gotten _sick_." The way he said it, with his tone of disbelief and disgust, and even a bit of amusement all mingled in, made Lily laugh for the first time all morning.

"That's terrible! How dare he do such a thing?"

"I know! That's exactly what I asked him right before he let me have it. Though, he just got my shoes. You should've seen Wormtail's robes," Sirius said, letting out a laugh of his own. He turned away from her to pour himself a cup of tea, and Lily's eyes—suddenly granted a reprieve—found themselves glued to that damn ring on her finger.

"Why are you calling me Evans? I can't have done anything yet. I haven't even seen you since last night!"

"You haven't done anything."

"Then why are you calling me Evans?" Sirius turned back to her in amusement, his eyes glinting with mischief.

"You and I are friends, right?" he asked. Lily nodded suspiciously. "Well, I thought we should have this thing between us—like me and Prongs's Quidditch, or me and Wormtail's obsession with Quidditch magazines."

"I don't like Quidditch, Sirius. I guess we can't have a 'thing' between us," Lily said, giving him a slight smile. Sirius, however, just grinned.

"Please. I don't only enjoy Quidditch."

"It sounds like it."

"Evans, you seem testy this morning. What's up?"

"Stop calling me Evans!"

"Fine. How's Ginger?"

"No."

"Ok, how about Red?"

"No!"

"Hmm, see, now you're just making everything difficult. Don't worry, I'll think of something." He grinned again before grabbing a piece of bacon and stuffing it into his mouth. Lily raised an eyebrow in amusement.

"Why is it so important that we have a 'thing' between us?" she asked him, finding herself smiling. Sirius had a way about him; he could be serious and demanding, or angry and frustrated, and yet he was also able to be understanding, quick to read others, and had an uncanny ability to make those around him laugh.

It was that trait in particular that she hoped he would never lose.

"Well, I thought about it this way: we all have many friends, right? But each one is different. I go to you for advice, but I go to Peter when I want a laugh. See?" He looked so serious as he spoke that Lily didn't even have the heart to point out that he hadn't explained why they needed a 'thing.' Instead, she nodded enthusiastically.

"Do you know when I go to you, Sirius?" she asked, grinning. He frowned slightly. "I go to you when I have no other option."

"Oh ho! Someone is _so_ clever!" Sirius cried sarcastically. "I should just call you The Wit, you're so clever."

"You know, The Wit sounds perfect to me," Lily said, patting him on the shoulder. Sirius scowled, but then—as if he had a sixth sense—he looked up and pointed towards the doors to the Great Hall.

"Look, it seems Remus and Peter managed to get our sick mate to the hospital without being vomited on!" Lily turned to look at the two boys, and frankly, wasn't surprised by the looks of pure disgruntlement on their faces. They practically stalked over to where she and Sirius were sitting, Remus going as far as pulling out his wand.

"How dare you!" he cried when he reached the table. "How _dare_ you just ditch us!" Several sparks flew out of his wand, and Sirius paled.

"I have absolutely no idea—"

"Oh, shut it, Sirius," Peter snapped, his nose crinkled in distaste, as if he could smell something foul. "James refused to walk, and wouldn't let us levitate him, and when we ended up carrying him to Pomfrey, the idiot decided it would be high time to finish emptying out his stomach."

"That seems rather unfortunate for the two of you," Lily said slowly. "But I'm sure James didn't do it on purpose. He's ill." Remus gave her a disgusted look, as if he couldn't believe anyone could be so naïve.

"Yes, he didn't do it on purpose, that's why he laughed when he managed to get Peter on the head," Remus said angrily, his wand still in Sirius's face. "You and Frank have a lot to answer for! The two of you just ditched us!"

"You see, Moony, The Wit and I were just discussing this," Sirius began with a small smile, ignoring Remus's look of confusion at the words, 'The Wit.' "There are several kinds of friends. You're the type that takes care of his friends, the type that we can go to when we need help. You're one-in-million, my friend." Lily stifled a giggle.

"He isn't James," she whispered in Sirius's ear, "appealing to his ego won't work." Sirius merely winked.

"C'mon, _Moony_," Sirius continued, "let me fix your plate, and we forget all about this, eh?" Remus's eyes narrowed, but he sat down across from Sirius.

"I know what you're doing, _Padfoot_, and even though it seems like it's working, it's not," Remus muttered.

"I have some Honeydukes chocolate in my trunk. Would you like it?" Sirius asked, ignoring Remus's comment. For a second, Lily was sure that Remus was going to hex Sirius, but then—miraculously—a small smile appeared on his lips and he rolled his eyes. Of course, that outraged Peter.

"What? He offers you chocolate and you cave? What kind of man are you?" he demanded. "We smell like vomit. _He_ ditched us! Be mad! C'mon!" Remus shrugged noncommittally, but Sirius turned to Peter with sorrowful eyes. Really, it was incredible to see.

"You know, I have several Quidditch magazines you might be interested in," he said with an odd tone—as if he was torn between laughing and crying.

"The Holyhead Harpies one?"

"The very same." Peter nodded in satisfaction.

"You know, being vomited on is no big deal," he said as he sat down next to Remus, digging into his breakfast. Lily just shook her head in amazement. Had Alice been the one ill, and Kate ditched, Mary wouldn't have forgiven her no matter what Kate offered. Boys just seemed to be far simpler than girls. Sirius nudging her in the arm broke her out of her thoughts.

"See? Being raised by Walburga Black has its benefits," he grinned, causing her to snort.

"I should call you The Manipulator," Lily told him. Sirius fluttered his eyelids.

"Oh, Wit, you flatter me."

XXX

James groaned when he saw Pomfrey head towards him, carrying a small tray of potions. This would be the third time today that she tried to poison him with foul tasting potions that were supposed to 'help' him. He was so sure it was poison that he had taken to spitting it out when she wasn't looking.

Which was probably why she kept bringing more.

"Now, Mr. Potter, I must ask you to _not_ act like a child and just swallow. The longer you continue this foolishness, the longer you'll be ill." She gave him a stern look as she spoke, but James ignored it. She might be a Healer, but she didn't know everything. Besides, his mother had always told him never to take potions—or anything really—from people he didn't know. Granted, he knew Pomfrey, but the sentiments remained the same.

He didn't trust the woman.

"James! I heard you were ill. On your birthday, no less. I think it's karma!"

"Miss MacDonald! I have a patient! You cannot just barge in here like a rampaging hippogriff. Nor should you screech like a banshee!" Mary put a hand over her heart, shaking her head.

"Madame Pomfrey, I do apologize for rampaging like a hippogriff and for screeching like a banshee. How about I make it up to you by forcing those potions down James's throat?" James sat up in horror, but Pomfrey just threw her hands up in the air and stalked off, all the while muttered under her breath about children that couldn't respect the hospital wing. Once she was sure that Pomfrey was back in her office, Mary grinned and walked over to James. "How are you?" she asked kindly, patting him on the shoulder.

"If you're here to punish me, Pomfrey's doing well enough on her own."

"Punish? Why ever should I want to _punish_ you?"

"You have a stupid evil grin on your face. The one that clearly states you have plans to kill me." James looked at her seriously, convinced that there was no good reason that she should be here. Besides, despite the fact he and Lily were getting along, Mary still was short with him—as if he had done _her_ some personal wrong.

"First of all, any grin on my face is not _stupid_, and that's rather rude of you to say. Secondly, if I had plans to kill you, it wouldn't be where there could be witnesses," Mary said patiently, sitting down in the chair next to his bed. James wrinkled his nose but he didn't say anything. He refused to give her any reason to hurt him. "Now, drink these lovely potions up, so we can have a chat."

"But I don't want to chat with you."

"Ah, but you will once I tell you how you can get Lily to forgive you," Mary chuckled, handing him one of the goblets. James wrinkled his nose, this time in distaste, but he did as he was told. "Good boy," Mary said patronizingly. She handed him the second goblet and smiled slightly, waiting for him to drink it. He raised the goblet up to his lips, but then frowned.

"Lily's already forgiven me," James pointed out, placing the goblet back on the tray. Mary groaned, shoved it back into his hands and shook her head.

"Yes, she's forgiven you. That's why the two of you are happily dating. You're so thick, James." He wanted to argue with her, but nothing came to mind, so he just swallowed the potion, grimacing in disgust. He didn't understand why Potion Masters just couldn't make the bloody things taste better…

"So?" James asked impatiently, waiting for Mary to explain herself. Of course, Mary just grinned and patted him on the shoulder once more.

"You know, it's amazing how much one can get our dear Lily to talk when one threatens the life of her Charms textbook," she said happily, handing James the final goblet. He downed it, noticing that Pomfrey had stuck her head out from her office, a relieved look on her face as she watched him swallow. "Oh! But before I explain further, that ring you gave her was a good idea. I didn't know you were so sappy, James." He frowned in confusion.

"Ring? What ring?"

"The ring she always wears. You gave it to her. How can you not remember?"

"Because I didn't give her a ring! She told me it was a gift from Petunia," he protested.

"Her sister hates her. Why would she give her a ring?" Mary demanded, an angry look appearing on her face.

"Her sister _hates _her? I knew they didn't get along, but _hate_?" Mary rolled her eyes, stood up, and gave him a glare.

"You know, for someone who claims to love Lily, you know very little about her," she snarled before stalking out of the hospital wing. James blinked several times, unable to understand what had just happened.

Know very little about her? For an entire month, he had done nothing but pay attention to her, watch her, _observe_ her! Just because he didn't quite know the relationship between Lily and her sister didn't mean he was a bad person who never paid any attention to the girl he cared for. Mary had no right to say such things to him. She just didn't.

And yet, he still felt a twinge of guilt.

XXX

Jennifer rolled her eyes as she pushed the textbook in front of her away. Remus pretended not to notice, but he could feel her eyes on him—something she had taken to doing quite a lot. At first, it hadn't bothered him, after all, he stared at her too. But when the stare turned contemplating, he began to worry. Nothing good ever came from a Ravenclaw who thought too much…

"Are you still working on the Potions essay?" she asked him suddenly, breaking him out of his thoughts. Remus looked up at her, wary of Pince standing not too far off. It seemed the librarian wanted to have another go at the two of them for talking in the library. He smiled at Jennifer and shrugged noncommittally.

"Unfortunately, yes. Slughorn assigned a difficult one, didn't he?" Jennifer laughed quietly, her eyes lighting up.

"I hear someone stole his crystallized pineapple. He's in a foul mood. Has been since Thursday," she said, chuckling happily. Remus managed to keep his face neutral at Jennifer's comment. He and Sirius had taken it from Slughorn's desk when the man was raving about Lily's potion prowess. Really, it had been quite easy, and it now was hidden underneath James's pillow in the hospital wing. He opened his mouth to respond, when suddenly, he heard it.

Voices. Speaking in a harsh whisper.

"Just—c'mon, move _over_…you're taking up all—hey, don't shove!"

"Shut up! You're going to get us caught, you idiot."

"Oh, there's that _Wit_ again. If you'd just move over—ow! Why are you hitting me?"

"Because you're so _loud_."

"I wouldn't be so loud if you gave me some room to see!"

"I'm not covering up your _eyes_, Sirius."

Remus looked at Jennifer, and to his ultimate relief, she didn't seemed to notice the voices that came from the bookcase to their right. She was leafing through his essay—probably checking it for errors. He wondered if she was just ignoring the voices, or if she honestly couldn't hear them. He rather hoped it was his overly sensitive ears that allowed him to hear his friends, and that Jennifer remained oblivious.

"Would you like to go? I'm starved, we should get some lunch," Remus said quickly, trying to avoid staring at where he knew Lily and Sirius were hiding. Jennifer looked up at him, frowned, and then checked her watch.

"It's only ten-thirty, Remus. You're really already hungry?"

"Um, yes?" Jennifer rolled her eyes good-naturedly, and was about to speak when the sound of several books falling to the floor caused her to look towards Lily and Sirius's hiding spot. Remus felt blood rush to his cheeks in embarrassment; she was about to catch his friends spying on them…oh _Merlin_.

Perhaps it was the years of being influenced by Sirius that led him to what he did next, or maybe it was the pure fear of being dumped because his friends were stalkers, but Remus grabbed Jennifer's shoulders, forcing her to look at him, and then leaned in to kiss her full on the mouth.

He pretended not to hear the two whoops of joy from behind the bookcase, and Jennifer seemed too surprised to actually care.

"He _kissed_ her!" Lily said in shock.

"Well, she is his girlfriend, Wit. Generally, that's what's done—"

"But this is Remus! It's _Remus_."

"What, Remus can't snog or something?"

"_No_! It's just that, oh, never mind," Lily muttered. Was it strange that though he was kissing his girlfriend he was paying more attention to what Lily and Sirius were saying? And was it strange that though he was kissing a girl he found incredibly attractive, he felt…nothing? And was it even stranger that when they finally pulled apart, Jennifer looking at him with bright eyes, he could only manage the smallest of smiles—unable to get rid of the feeling of guilt that was filling his entire core?

"She's a terrible kisser. Remus looks nauseous," Sirius chuckled.

"Remind me, why am I friends with you again?" There was a pause, and then:

"Oh, Wit, how you regale me."

XXX

"Pass me some pineapple, Prongs," Peter said as he turned the page of his book. James scowled, but he handed some over, wondering when Peter would just _leave_. Not that he didn't appreciate his friend coming to visit him on his birthday, while he was stuck in the hospital wing, but the boy was becoming quite the bother.

'What's the answer to number ten of the Charms homework, James?'

'How come Mary is going around telling everyone you're secretly in league with the banshees?'

'How can you _even_ be in league with the banshees? Do they have a union or something?'

He had a question about everything, and frankly, it was becoming annoying and tiring. So James had finally just said that Peter could copy his homework if he just stopped talking.

Of course, that didn't work for too long. Because, now, Peter was _hungry._

"You should go eat lunch, Pete. Shouldn't fill yourself up on pineapple, you know," James said, hoping Peter would take the hint.

"What? It's only half past eleven, James."

"I'm sure the house-elves would be glad to give you something in the kitchens," James tried again. Peter seemed slightly interested by that comment. He frowned, and nodded thoughtfully.

"Nah," he finally said, "they don't like me much. I can't go alone."

"Go with Remus."

"He's on a 'study date' with Jennifer," Peter responded tonelessly. It took a minute for James to realize why; recently, Abigail had been making excuses to not spend time with him. James was sure the girl wanted to break up, but he kept that to himself.

It was best not to upset Peter. When he was upset, he liked to talk about how he _felt_.

"Oh. Okay, then, how about Sirius? He's always up for food," James suggested. Peter let out a laugh.

"Sirius is with Lily. Apparently, they had some very important business to attend to." Again, Peter spoke tonelessly, but James saw a hint of anger on his face—as if Sirius spending time with Lily was upsetting. The thought made James curious, but he was unwilling to delve into a topic that might cause Peter to start talking, thereby staying around for even longer than he already had.

"Then go find Kate. Or Frank. Or Alice. I'm sure someone would want to go eat with you," James said, almost desperately. Peter turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised.

"Sheesh, James, if you wanted me to leave so much, you should have just said so," he muttered, but he had a small grin on his face—clearly stating that he knew exactly what he had been doing for the past hour and a half.

"If you go, I'll give you the rest of the pineapples," James offered. Peter grinned again.

"You know me so well," he said happily as he threw his things into his bag. Once Peter was gone—munching on pineapple as he left—James let out a sigh of relief. It was good to have some peace and quiet…he could finally rest a little…

"James! You had better control your best mate or I swear, I'm going to kill him!" Remus yelled as he stalked into the hospital wing. James groaned aloud, wishing he had been given at least five minutes—just _five, _was that _really_ so much to ask?—of peace and quiet.

"What did Sirius do?" he asked tonelessly, watching as Remus collapsed into the chair next to his bed, a chair Peter had just vacated.

"Ask the moron yourself," Remus muttered, waving his arm towards the door of the hospital wing, where Lily and Sirius had just walked through, their heads together, laughing uproariously. James ignored the flare of jealously that flooded through him at the sight of Lily laughing so hard—something he had never managed to make her do—and he grinned at Remus.

"That bad, huh?" he chuckled. Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius walked towards James's bed, Lily following right behind him, still slightly chuckling.

"He's just upset because Lily and I spied on his date with Jen," Sirius said happily. At his words, Lily blushed deeply and shook her head.

"We weren't _spying_. We were merely in the vicinity and _happened_ to hear and see everything that went on…" she trailed off with a sheepish look when Remus gave her a glare.

"I can understand Sirius, but _you_, Lily? Honestly?" James wasn't sure if Lily noticed, but there was a small twinkle in Remus's eyes, one that clearly stated he wasn't as upset as he liked to make it seem. Of course, Sirius picked up on it rather quickly.

"It's not like you're not flattered by the amount of care we're showing," he laughed, shaking his head. Remus rolled his eyes, leaning back in the chair.

"Now I have to explain to Jennifer why I kissed her in the middle of the library," he complained. Sirius snorted.

"It wasn't like she was complaining," he said. "I think she was rather glad of it, actually." Lily blushed deeply once more, and she shook her head vigorously.

"Sirius, I don't think—"

"Oh, come _on_, Lily! The poor Ravenclaw couldn't have given Moony _more_ hints. It's like what you do all the time with Ry—" he stopped abruptly, paled, and then turned to Remus. "Look, if it would make you feel better, Lily and I apologize to you profusely."

"Wait, what does Lily do all the time with who?" James asked, sitting up in his bed, his cheeks heating up slightly. Sirius and Remus completely ignored his question, choosing instead to start discussing if Ravenclaws had any snogging prowess, but Lily looked away, ducking her head in embarrassment. "Lily? What is he talking about?"

"I have no idea. I mean, you know Sirius, he spouts rubbish ninety percent of the time," she said quickly.

"Hey!" Sirius shouted. "I resent that!" Remus laughed and nodded.

"Nah, Sirius, I have to agree with Lily on this one." James's eyes narrowed at the three of them, well aware of what they were trying to do.

"What is it that you three don't want me to know?" he all but demanded. For a moment, it seemed like no one wanted to answer, but then Lily sighed and looked him in the eye.

"Now, before you overreact and go on a mad rampage, know that I never said yes to him, nor did I give him any indication that I would _ever_ say yes," she began, wincing slightly. Sirius watched her as she spoke, but then seemed to lose patience, because he placed his hand over her mouth.

"Lily was asked out by Ryan Biggers, and he seems to think that she's his girlfriend!" he shouted. James blinked, and didn't answer, probably eliciting the response he got from Lily soon after Sirius's outburst.

"I _told_ him _no_, James. You can't possibly think that I would say yes to anyone considering…" she broke off, sighed, and chanced a look at Remus and Sirius who were pretending that they weren't listening raptly to each word that came out of her mouth. "Considering you-know-what," she said quickly, in a low whisper, and with incredibly red cheeks. James nearly grinned; only Lily would feel self-conscious about talking about her feelings in front of others…

"Sorry to interrupt what would have been a wonderful conversation on _feelings_," Sirius said, sneering when he said the word 'feelings.' "However, you are quite mistaken, dear Wit. _You _told Ryan that you would 'perhaps one day consider it.'"

"That's not fair, Sirius! He was in front of all his _friends_. I couldn't just give him an outright rejection!"

"I think you could. Actually, you probably should have. You know what, who cares about his bloody pride in front of his bloody friends? Let's go get the prat and tell him what you really think, yeah, Lily?" James said, shifting so he could get out of bed. Immediately, Remus and Sirius grabbed him and forced him to stay still.

"You're sick. You can't go anywhere," Remus told him, giving Lily a look.

"What?" she cried. "First of all, James and I are not officially dating—"

"I have unofficial claim!" James yelled, grinning madly. "I have unofficial claim."

"I'm not a piece of land, James. You can't _claim_ me," Lily muttered, her eyes flashing dangerously. James suddenly realized that he had to backtrack—and quickly.

"I never said you were land, Lil. All I'm saying is that any prat that wants to ask you out must go through me first."

"_You're_ a prat, James."

"A prat you care for, though," he laughed, causing Lily to blush. Internally, James heaved a sigh of relief; he had avoided an argument. It was then that Sirius clapped James on the back.

"Yes, Prongs, Moony and I _are_ still here. Odd, isn't it?" he deadpanned.

"You know, you were supposed to punish these two, James. They spied on me while on my date," Remus complained, not even bothering to hide his wide grin. James ignored them both and looked at Lily.

"Wait. _When_ did this Ryan bloke ask you out?"

"Today?" Lily muttered, but Sirius snorted.

"Two days after the two of you started talking again," Sirius said, laughing when Lily glared at him.

"You know, Sirius, you might be able to manipulate Remus with chocolate and Peter with magazines, but nothing works on me," she said, fingering her wand, which was sticking out of the pocket of her robes. James watched as Sirius paled, but once again, he ignored it all, and focused on the bloody prat, Ryan.

"That was weeks ago, Lily! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew you'd act like this. I didn't tell him yes!"

"You didn't say no, either!" James countered.

"Perhaps I wanted to keep my options open, James, have you considered that?" she snapped, and James wondered if she was actually upset.

"James, she got you there. I vote Lily as the winner of this argument," Remus said, giving Lily a high-five. Sirius nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, sorry mate, but you didn't play this out well at all."

"To the victor go the spoils!" Remus called out.

"Indeed! Lily, I think you should get something from James."

"Yes, she should, but what, Padfoot?"

"Something James can give easily, I'm sure," Sirius said, nodding seriously.

"Whatever can he give easily?"

"A kiss!" James yelled, only to be answered by Remus and Sirius's howling laughter and a raised eyebrow from Lily.

"_Lily's_ the victor, mate, not you," Sirius said through his laughter.

"We should search through his trunk," Remus said slowly.

"And get shocked?" Sirius complained. Remus merely rolled his eyes, muttered something about Sirius being pathetic, before he grabbed Sirius by the arm and pulled him out of the hospital wing, to search for 'spoils.'

Which left James alone with Lily.

"I'm sorry I overreacted about this Ryan bloke," he said after several minutes of tense silence. Lily pursed her lips, but then gave him this odd look.

"Is whatever you have contagious?" she asked quietly, her eyes oddly bright. James shrugged, for some reason, unable to articulate any words. Lily smiled. "I guess I'll risk it, then," she said before she stepped forward.

"Risk what?" James asked stupidly, seconds before Lily leaned down and kissed him.

James was no stranger to a good snog. Admittedly, most of his relationships hadn't lasted long, and consisted mostly of yelling, but he knew how to kiss—and he was damn good at it too, thank you very much. But for some reason, kissing all those other girls paled in comparison to kissing Lily.

If he had thought those kisses, those pecks, from earlier in the year were numbing, actually having Lily's gentle hands cradling his cheeks—her body pressed against his, and his own hands tangled in her hair—was absolutely mind blowing. Everywhere she touched him, it suddenly felt like his skin was on fire.

It was because of this that when she tried to pull away, he grabbed her wrist and practically begged with his eyes for her to stay. Lily just smiled, her eyes so bright, and so full of life, before she shook her head slightly.

"Happy birthday, James," she whispered.

"You know, I've turned seventeen. Don't I get a kiss for every year?"

"I don't think it works that way," Lily laughed.

"Well, it should," he muttered before grinning widely. "Have I ever told you that, in my family, birthdays last a month?"

"No wonder you're so spoiled," she answered.

"Yes, I am. You know how you can fix that?" he said as he wiggled his eyebrows. Lily just rolled her eyes.

"Yes, by not giving you what you want."

"Oh, come on, Lily. You can't kiss someone and then just _leave_." Lily looked at him and frowned as she played with the ring on her finger—the same ring James had gotten into a fight about with Mary.

"I actually wasn't going to leave. You're being released before dinner, so I thought I'd stay with you." She looked uncomfortable, and though James wanted nothing more than to interrogate her—find out what was with the ring, and why she was keeping everyone in the dark—he didn't have the heart.

"Well, we're going to have several hours to waste," James said, knowing he had made the right decision concerning the ring when Lily visibly relaxed. "I know what we can do," he said, wiggling his eyebrows again.

"Sleep, James." Lily said, patting him on the head before she sat down in the chair next to his bed—a chair that Mary, Peter, and Remus had all sat in before her. But where they had just annoyed him and made him wish he was alone, Lily made him smile before he closed his eyes, and drifted off.

XXX

Madame Pomfrey tutted loudly when the four of them entered the hospital wing, grins on their faces. But rather than tut back, like she so desperately wanted to, Mary pulled Alice by the arm and pointed towards the bed where James was sleeping soundly. At first, Alice seemed confused, but then a grin appeared on her face and she giggle happily.

"Oy, shut it, Collins. You'll wake them up," Sirius said in a whisper.

Mary grinned suddenly, quite proud of her little Lily, despite the fact the girl was lying about a stupid ring. Despite the fact she was infuriated with Lily.

Lily was sitting, slouched, in the chair next to James's bed, but that wasn't what made the two girls giggle and Remus and Sirius to grin conspiratorially. It was the fact that Lily and James were holding hands as they slept.

While Mary thought it was just the _cutest_ thing _ever_, she realized that the reason Sirius was enjoying the sight so much was because he could lord it over James for ages. Which, really, was solid proof of the boys' immaturity. Sirius for lording it over James, and James for actually letting something so silly bother him…Suddenly, the door behind them swung open, and a disheveled Peter barged into the hospital wing, his chest heaving, sweat streaming down his face.

"S-something's ha-happened," he managed to pant out. Immediately, Remus put his hand on Peter's back, giving Peter a reassuring look. "Dumbledore's asked all the students to be at dinner by seven. He has an announcement to make."

"Do you know—" Alice began, but Peter shook his head frantically.

"All I know is that it's bad. I overheard Dumbledore speaking with the Head students. He wants all Prefects on patrol tonight." From the bed across the room, James snorted in his sleep, causing Sirius to grin uncomfortably.

"Does he expect students to act out or something?" Alice asked, her voice filled with worry. Mary watched carefully as Remus and Sirius exchanged glances, both boys seeming far more worried despite how little information there was. Then, before any of them could stop him, Sirius gave Remus a small nod and rushed out of the hospital wing, his robes billowing behind him rather dramatically.

"I'm pretty sure that means yes, Alice," Mary said quietly. Her words were met by silence.

XXX

"I don't want to go," Lilt muttered as James stretched. He still had a slight cough, but Madame Pomfrey had deemed him well enough to go down to the Great Hall for dinner. She seemed to want him to hear whatever news Dumbledore had to say.

"Neither do I, but it's not like we've got a choice, Lily. Now quit complaining and help me find my tie." As he spoke, he frantically searched for the scarlet and gold neckwear, his eyes wide. Lily watched him for a moment before she felt a bit of pity swell inside of her. She threw the tie—which had been folded carefully and placed on the nightstand next to James's bed—over to him, and smiled when he seemed astonished.

"I'm not complaining. I'm dissenting." James raised an eyebrow at that, but she really didn't care if he didn't believe her.

"Oh? What are you dissenting?"

"Everything," Lily muttered, ignoring James's laughter. She didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing, but she felt incredibly uneasy about whatever Dumbledore planned on telling the school. There was just this gut feeling inside of her, one that clearly stated whatever the news was, she wasn't going to like it.

"If it makes you feel better, I'll dissent with you," James said, winking at her. Lily snorted, hating that such a stupid comment had made her laugh, but James seemed infinitely pleased with himself, so she didn't try to stifle her almost nervous laughter.

As they walked down to the Great Hall, James kept up a monologue about what new prank he was planning with Sirius. He claimed it was a birthday gift, and he was hoping that she'd help him. If he noticed that she wasn't very responsive or interested, he didn't show it.

Why was she so afraid, anyway? What could have possibly happened that very morning that was so important to announce the news to the school tonight rather than wait until for the _Prophet_ the next morning? Was it _that_ serious?

There was a part of her that knew she was overreacting. Perhaps what Dumbledore wanted to say had nothing to do with Voldemort at all. Maybe it would be a Hogsmeade trip announcement, or even a talk about the state of grades this year. Yet, despite that clear logic, Lily's heart was pounding in her chest, her hands shaking slightly with worry.

Nothing good would come of this announcement. She was sure of it.

When they reached the doors to the Great Hall, James looked at her worriedly, but he still didn't comment. Instead, he placed a hand on her back. It wasn't exactly the most reassuring of gestures, but it did just the trick; her hands stopped shaking, and the pounding of her heart turned into a mere flutter.

The two of them spotted Remus rather quickly—he was waving wildly at them—and then noticed the others as well, every single one of them masking whatever they were feeling. Kate was staring down at the table, her blue-green eyes focused on her empty plate, and Peter was playing with his fork, avoiding everyone else's eyes. Sirius and Frank were whispering heatedly with one another, as Alice listened intently. And Mary, Mary just sat slumped in her seat, a book open in her lap, but her eyes glazed over. Lily immediately sat next to her, knowing—just _knowing_—that Mary knew exactly what was going on.

"Mary?" she began tentatively. "Mary, what's Dumbledore going to say?" Sirius and Frank stopped whispering. Kate stared at her in shock; Peter's fork fell to the ground with what felt like an incredibly loud clatter. Alice looked like she was holding her breath.

"Y-you don't know?" Mary managed to say, her voice rough, as if she had been crying. Lily shook her head, her panic from before returning.

"I was in the hospital wing, with James. What's going on?" No one answered. It was as if they were keen on keeping her in the dark. Perhaps they felt as if she didn't need to know—that maybe she couldn't handle the news. "Tell me!" she said angrily, her nerves and fear getting the best of her. Sirius hung his head, and Lily thought he was about to answer her, but to her ultimate surprise, Remus spoke up.

"We, uh, overheard McGonagall speaking with Flitwick," he said slowly. "And—well, you have to know that Dumbledore won't stand for it—we didn't think it was…" he took a deep breath, and looked at her with his suddenly steely eyes. "The Muggleborn Act, the one that makes it impossible for muggleborns to go to Hogwarts or get a job…it's been passed." Lily didn't even have the time to contemplate what that meant for her. Dumbledore had stood up, and he was staring at the students gravely, that twinkle in his blue eyes noticeably absent.

"I am afraid—" Dumbledore began, but Lily—for the first time ever—tuned out her Headmaster. She leaned against Mary, the only one who could possibly understand how she felt, and the two of them took solace in one another.

They didn't belong in the muggle world, and apparently, they no longer belonged in the wizarding world either.

XXX

The next several weeks passed in a flash. Soon, fifth and seventh years realized that OWLs and NEWTs were only weeks away, and they weren't seen without books in their hands. Other students vigorously completed their homework, knowing that the end of the year was upon them, and exams were going to be absolute murder.

The fact that dozens of the students in Hogwarts would not be at school the next year was a topic that was studiously avoided.

There were dissenters, of course. There were those who truly believed that the Muggleborn Act was wrong, but their fiery opposition were merely whispers. There was no outright talk against the Act; students were far too afraid to draw the attention of the more questionable Slytherins.

In fact, it was the first time in her six years at Hogwarts that Lily saw the traits of each House.

The Hufflepuffs, ever loyal to their own, stood fast. Their muggleborns were always surrounded by dozens of other Hufflepuffs, and unless you wanted to end up in the hospital wing, everyone knew better than to insult or even try to hurt one of their own.

The Ravenclaws were different. After the first week, it was obvious that several were weighing the odds of both sides. It was apparent that the Act had been pushed through by wealthy families who supported Voldemort—predominantly the Malfoys and the Blacks—and so most Ravenclaws logically decided it was best to be on the winning side. However, this caused a whole slew of other problems; none of them could agree on what the winning side would be. Most believed in Dumbledore, but many of them were too afraid to speak up because they knew what would happen if they did. Even the younger students were intelligent enough to stay silent.

The entire Slytherin house was, of course, why no one wanted to speak out. After Dumbledore's speech, they seemed to think they owned all of Hogwarts. Anyone who spoke out against the Ministry, or against the Act, was thoroughly attacked.

After the first several times, people realized it was best to keep silent, hold your head down, and finish the semester intact.

The attacks hadn't lessened, though. The hospital wing had never been so full—not even when the Houses had a _war_ against each other. This was no fight, it was an absolute bloodshed. No one defended themselves; it would be worse if they did, and the students seemed to intuitively know that.

And then, there were the Gryffindors. The noble, the brave, the chivalrous Gryffindors who were too afraid of their own shadows to make a stand against such blatant atrocities.

A few tried, in the beginning, to rally the Gryffindors, to get them to fight. James and Sirius spent days trying to convince other students that it was their responsibility to protect the muggleborns, their job to help those who were being attacked for no other reason than their opinions. At first, it had seemed they were making an impact—after all, they were all Gryffindors. Gryffindors didn't stand by and watch when they could do something. But then, about two weeks after Dumbledore's speech, Peter stumbled into the common room, an enormous—and deep—gash on his arm, several broken ribs, and an eye swollen shut, marring his body.

Soon, all the Gryffindors had turned tail and run.

"We are facing difficult times," Dumbledore had said, "and it is in these times that we discover who we truly are. I urge all of you students to look at your classmates and realize that it is your actions and choices that define you, not blood or House." He had gone on to speak about fighting for the right thing, and not choosing the easy path, but at that point, Lily was sure no one was listening. Some—like herself and Mary—were devastated. Others, like James and the others, were dumbfounded. And then there were those who had begun cheering at the end of Dumbledore's speech, crying out praise for the Act.

Lily sighed to herself and fingered the ring Dumbledore had given her. When they were sure that she was the only one being targeted by Mulciber and Avery, it served as a sort of protection. A safety word was all it took—one that was never used in everyday conversations, obviously—and she would be taken to the security of Dumbledore's office. But now students were being hurt left and right. Just the other day she had seen a second year Slytherin crying in a corridor, as he cradled his broken arm. Lily had taken pity on the boy, and it was probably then that she remembered that not all Slytherins were terrible. As she walked him to the hospital wing, he had explained that he had been hurt after he said he didn't want to call anyone 'mudblood.' Lily had been quite surprised to hear of his bravery. It had taken a lot of courage to do what he had done.

Which, really, was much more than she could say for the stupid Gryffindors.

"Before it was different," Mary had said when Lily had expressed her disgust with her Housemates. "When we had that stupid war thing, it was because one of our own was hurt. It was a personal affront. This is something much bigger—this is about ideals and causes. I don't think most of them see anything to fight for."

"But _we're_ one of their own too! And how is this not something to fight for?"

"Lily," Mary had then said patiently. "For every fight, you need that first person to step up, to lead the rest. A Gryffindor may be brave, but it doesn't mean that he's also a leader." After that comment, Lily let the whole thing drop, but she hadn't stopped thinking about Mary's words.

A leader? If that's what the other Gryffindors were looking for—to just do the _right_ thing—then they were a very sad lot indeed.

But she managed to ignore her anger at her Housemates, and she managed to help out any student she could, and she tried her best to speak out against the Act, despite being shushed by James every time she tried.

Even if no one else felt like there was anything to fight for, she sure as hell did.

But after two months of the Slytherins' snide remarks, the Ravenclaws whispering their opinion on who would turn out to be the victor, and the Gryffindors travelling in packs—the one way to avoid getting hurt—Lily was beginning to feel as if there really was no point.

Lily shifted uncomfortably in her chair, feeling guilty about thinking in this way. After all, as Dumbledore had said, there was always a point in fighting for what you believed in, even if it seemed the cause was already lost.

She shifted again, feeling rather than noticing, eyes focused on her. It was a disturbing sensation, one that she had learned to ignore over the past few weeks. The thing was, she was being stared at so viciously—students waiting for that _one_ moment that she was alone to attack her—that she had gotten somewhat used to it. And she was in the library. Nothing could happen to her while she was in the library…

Next to her, Mary shook her head. "You're brooding again," she muttered without even having to look up at her.

"What?"

"You play with your hair when you brood. And bite your lip. And tap your foot incessantly, making quite sure no one around you can concentrate." Mary looked at her then, giving her a glare for good measure.

"I don't do any of that," Lily protested, but Mary just laughed lightly.

"Alright, Wit. You don't," she said, still chuckling. At that, Lily's eyes narrowed. From across the table, Alice rolled her eyes.

"Sirius told her about your nickname, Lily. She's just being silly, is all," she said consolingly, patting Lily on the hand.

"Spending a lot of time with Black, are you?" Lily said, with a grin, noticing how Mary's laughter ceased immediately. "You know, he calls you the comedic relief of our group."

"Excuse me?" Mary sputtered. Lily was glad that it was her turn to chuckle.

"He says I'm hopeless, Kate is too serious, and Alice is too busy with Frank. You're the only one who's funny. He calls you Humor."

"Does he have nicknames for everyone?" Alice asked, appearing to be curious, but Lily knew it was so that she'd leave Mary alone.

"You're Frank's Girl. Kate is The One Who We Don't Like. Or just MC."

"MC?" Mary asked, a grin on her face. It was obvious she liked the nickname the boys had for Kate.

"McGonagall Clone," Lily said, watching as Alice dissolved into giggles and Mary muttered something about Black not being so bad. "I personally like Professor McGonagall very much. Kate is more like…an incredibly well-intentioned but meddling Binns."

"Why, 'cause she drones on and on all the time?" Mary snorted. Lily gave her a quelling look before she shook her head.

"No. Kate likes to lecture. And sometimes that gets a bit…" Lily cut off, unsure of what to say, but Mary wasn't.

"Annoying? Frustrating? Astonishingly stupid? Ugly? Wait, I'm not supposed to be describing her, am I?" Alice smiled slightly, and Lily rolled her eyes.

"You're a terrible person, Mary," Lily said conversationally, but instead of being properly chastised, Mary grinned happily.

"Why, thank you, Wit!"

"Shut up, Humor." Mary and Lily turned to Alice in surprise. She was still smiling slightly, but her eyes gleamed with mischief.

"Like anyone'll listen to _you_, Frank's Girl," Mary muttered with mock bitterness. It was then, as they began to laugh uproariously, that Madame Pince threw them out of the library.

And Lily thought she might find James and tell him she had been kicked out of the library. She could imagine his eyes lighting up, a grin marring his face as he told her it was to be expected. After all, she was friends with four miscreants. Her thoughts went back to the night of Dumbledore's announcement, and she remembered how she thought she no longer had a place in the world.

She had been wrong.

As long as she was with her friends—and most especially, as long as she was with James—she'd be alright. She'd be at home.

XXX

Kate leaned against the bookcase, refusing to show even the slightest bit of emotion.

She couldn't understand. She didn't understand why. Why would her friends say such terrible things about her? Mary she understood, but Lily? Alice? She trusted them, defended them, and yes she made mistakes, but was this how to get back at her?

By backstabbing her?

A single tear rolled down her cheek before she had time to wipe it away. The fact that she was showing such weakness was far worse than any stupid things Mary, Alice, and _Lily_ could say.

"Hurts, does it, Knight?" Kate's head shot up, and se found herself staring straight into the eyes of Mulciber. Her first instinct was to hex him, but something about the way his eyes glinted stopped her. Instead she settled with a glare.

"What d'you want?" she snapped.

"To offer you a real friendship. One that will never end in betrayal." Kate turned back to the table that Lily and the others had just been sitting in. There was a small voice in her head—one that sounded a lot like Lily—that screamed she was overreacting. That they were joking around; that none of their words were serious. _Tell him to shove it_, the voice yelled. _Tell him you already have real friendships_!

But Lily's voice wasn't strong enough; her words weren't impressionable enough.

Lily no longer seemed to be enough.

"I'm listening."

XXX

The letters were a deep red.

"Good riddance! They don't belong here!" Slytherins. Ravenclaws. She wasn't even aware anymore.

"Shut up! Who the hell do you think you are?" James. Concentrate on his voice. He's a lifeline. _My lifeline_, she thought.

"You'll be going the same way as them, Potter! Just keep this up and you'll see!" Why was Sirius's brother entering the fight? He normally preferred the sidelines…

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Sirius. So sensitive about Regulus. This was normal. This she knew. This made sense.

Dumbledore being unable to bring the muggleborns back for next year did not.

Being kicked out of Hogwarts did not.

This…chaos…did not.

_Dark Marks found over nearly half a dozen muggleborn homes. _No, don't think about the article. That was too gruesome. She couldn't stomach that—she couldn't stomach the fact that she was glad her parents hadn't met the same fate as those that followed. It was too early, too fresh, too unacceptable.

"Lily? Lily? Can she even hear me? Lily, are you all right?" No, she bloody well wasn't alright. She was falling apart.

Had she honestly ever thought Dumbledore wouldn't succeed in finding a way to repeal the Muggleborn Act? No, that had never occurred to her. That thought had never even entered her mind.

The letters were a deep red.

"Lily, listen to me. This won't change anything. Lily? Can you look at me? Lily!" She heard Remus talking, but she wasn't quite understanding what he meant. Mary was gone—how she noticed that, she would never know—but Mary wasn't around. Mary.

"C'mon, Lily. Let's get you out of here." He reached for her hand, but that wasn't at all what she had in mind. She clutched at him, hugging him for all he was worth. And even as they walked, even as they went up stairs, her hold never loosened—nor did she ever want it to. Because he was James, and no matter how many times she told herself she didn't need him, want him, care for him, she would still be lying to herself. It took the realization that she would never see him again to finally see that she had been an idiot.

She had wanted time. But now, she had none.

"I don't want to leave Hogwarts," Lily suddenly said, shocking James into stopping. He looked down at her, his glasses slipping down his nose as always, and his eyes filled with concern.

"People won't stand for it. It'll get repealed, you'll see," he said confidently, but Lily could see the lie in his eyes. He started moving again, helping her into the empty common room.

The letters were a deep red.

James led her gently to the couch, helping her sit before taking a place across from her, not once letting go of her hand. His tie was undone, and his robes looked disheveled. She idly wondered if that was her fault.

"Lily—"

"I didn't mean it, you know," she interrupted. James closed his mouth and looked at her in confusion. "That day, when I asked for time. I didn't mean it." She was losing him. There would be no Hogwarts next year. There would be no James.

And that thought just left her broken.

"What day, Lily? I don't know what you're talking about." She had the pleasant urge to laugh. Of course James wouldn't remember. He could barely remember what they had for dinner the night before.

"When we started talking again. I was just so frightened. So afraid that you might change your mind. But I didn't mean what I said." James looked at her carefully, then the smallest of smiles crept onto his face.

The letters were a deep red.

Without speaking, James walked over and sat next to her on the couch, pulling her towards him and holding her securely. And the two of them just sat there, not moving, not talking, and in Lily's case, not thinking.

She didn't know how long they had been just sitting there before James spoke up, his voice slightly muffled by her hair. "I knew you didn't mean it," he said softly. "But, if I've learned anything this year, it's that when it comes to you, being patient is better than rushing into things."

"Because I always run away?" Lily asked, holding on tighter to him. James laughed.

"You don't run, Lily. You're cautious."

"That's just a really nice way of saying I always run away," she pointed out with a smile.

"Is there anything wrong with being polite?"

"No, but let's be honest here. You're not polite." James laughed at that and when he kissed the top of her head, not only did Lily not mind, but she rather wished he'd do it again.

And those letters were a deep red. But they also didn't seem as devastating anymore. The one in her hand dropped to the floor without a sound as she leaned her head against James's chest.

"Hey, if it makes you feel better, I'll come to Hogwarts everyday to visit you this summer," James said. Lily shook her head.

"I can't live here this summer, James. I'm staying with Petunia for a while before I find somewhere of my own."

"Really?"

"She's getting married. I need to be there for her anyway."

"Can I crash the wedding?" James said, and she could practically see the smirk on his face without even having to look up at him.

"Honestly, you might have to if you don't want me to die of boredom," she joked, earning a snort from James. And on they went, discussing anything from the wedding to Dumbledore's favorite breakfast food. But they didn't discuss the deep red letters and what it meant. But its presence hung over them like a dark storm cloud, because though neither mentioned it, and neither would look at where it had fallen on the floor, it was obvious that both of them were consumed with thoughts about it.

The letters were a deep red—the color of blood.

XXX

Normally the last day of school was exciting. The younger children's voices filled the air, the older students offered to sell notes and items that they swore helped them pass their classes, and a few stupid kids fell for it. Chocolate Frog cards were swapped, girls hugged each other, swearing that they'd write, though many of them would probably forget. But this year there was only a deafening silence.

"Ten minutes till the train leaves, James!" Sirius called. James nodded and searched through the crowd once more. She had promised to see him off. She had said she'd say goodbye before she left for her sister's home. He was just about to give up and get on the train when he heard her call his name.

"James! Wait!" He grinned as she rushed over to him, but the grin disappeared when she reached him. Tears were staining her face.

There was a reason he had to say goodbye before they got on the train. The muggleborns had been herded into a few of the compartments in the very end of the train, and no one was allowed to go back there. After that, while he was able to go home, they would be held on the train and told of their options for the upcoming year. According to Lily, it was basically to just attend a muggle school.

"What's wrong?" he asked her, wiping a few of her tears away with his hand.

"Nothing! I just—I just think I'm going to miss this school," she muttered. James sighed, wondering if it was even worth telling her that she would be returning to Hogwarts next year. It seemed she knew he was lying each time he did.

"I'll write you, alright? And we can see each other as often as you want," he assured her. Lily's hands shook slightly.

"What's the point? I'm not allowed back, James! And you'll be hurt if you keep—"

"Don't think that way! Look, you'll be back, I swear. And the first thing we'll do is go to the kitchens and have hot chocolate." His comment earned the laugh he wanted, but Lily's green eyes still seemed to be filled with uncertainty. "Lily—" but as was her custom lately, she interrupted him. Though this time it was much different.

She kissed him.

At first he was shocked. After the kiss on his birthday, she hadn't showed any indication she would do it again, or allow him to. But soon all thought left his brain as the kiss deepened and she pressed closer to him. When they finally broke apart, James grinned at her and gave her the smallest of winks.

"This means I can take you to Hogsmeade next year, right?"

"But James—" But he didn't let her finish. Just as she had done minutes before, he interrupted her with a kiss. Though, instead of giving her time to speak, he dashed to the train, waving wildly.

"See you at the wedding!" he laughed. And Lily, instead of protesting, laughed along with him.

XXX

"You're not actually going to let them take all the muggleborns out of Hogwarts, right, Albus?" Albus looked at Minerva and the other professors who were standing in his office. All of them seemed to be of the same opinion as him; the muggleborns had to stay. It was their right.

"I think Mr. Potter would be quite dismayed if you did," Filius chuckled, probably thinking of the scene he had witnessed not an hour ago. Albus smiled and he nodded.

"We have a busy summer ahead of us, we'd best get to work." He paused and then looked at Minerva, and he knew by the steely look on her face that she understood. "No more defensive tactics. I believe it is time to show Voldemort the Order will not stand idle."

"But Albus, how are you planning on repealing the Act?" Horace asked, his face crumpled with fear and worry. Albus smiled at the Potions professor.

"By reminding the Wizengamot of what is at stake." And though the professors all looked at him in confusion, Albus didn't elaborate.

He had decided on Lily Evans as the next Head Girl since March. He wasn't going to allow a mere _Act_ take that away from her.

**Hey! I know, a very quick update. It was either working on this, or studying for an exam, and I chose this. Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!**


	23. Videranimae

Chapter Twenty-three- _Videranimae_

Petunia sipped from her glass delicately, her eyes roving around the café, as if she was positive someone was watching, and she was clearly embarrassed by her company. To be honest, if Petunia wasn't her last living blood relative, Lily probably would have hexed her by now just to be done with this nonsense.

"Lily, don't slurp," Petunia admonished as Lily drank deeply from her glass of iced tea, wishing it was something stronger—perhaps some firewhiskey could make dealing with her sister easier?

Resisting the urge to tell Petunia to shove it, Lily forced a smile. "I'm sorry, Tuney. Habit, I suppose." Petunia's lips pursed disapprovingly, at the use of the nickname or the fact that her slurping was a 'habit,' she didn't know and didn't care. Ten minutes into her 'meeting' with her older sister, and she was already wishing she had taken James's offer of spending the entire day in Hogsmeade.

The summer had been all right so far. Despite the fact she had thought the train compartments full of muggleborns had been a trap to kill them all off at once, they were let off the train with several pamphlets clutched in their hands about how easy it would be to assimilate back into the muggle world. After a few nervous chuckles, most of the muggleborns—including Jennifer—went home with their parents, unwilling to fight for their right to go to Hogwarts. Mary, of course, had chucked her pamphlets right into the bin before she said she'd see Lily on the Express on September first. Her confidence was soothing.

Right away, though, where she was to live became an issue. Mary and Alice had offered to take her in—as had James—but she didn't want to impose, and a part of her was too proud. So, instead, she had immediately gone to Gringotts, taken as much money as she could and was planning to find some flat to rent out when a young shop owner accosted her.

"Dumbledore said you might need help finding housing," she had without preamble. The young woman, Grace, allowed Lily to live in the unused flat above her apothecary for a small fee—though she only took that at Lily's adamant requests. She, apparently, lived elsewhere and wanted to put the space to better use. "And what better than to help such a nice girl?" she had said when Lily just seemed dumbfounded.

But now, after three weeks, Lily realized she actually had Dumbledore to thank. It seemed she would always be in the Headmaster's debt.

"Let's get things straight now, Lily," Petunia said harshly, her overly long neck stretching forward so that she was right up in Lily's face. Lily supposed that it was supposed to be an impressive move, one meant to scare her, but all she felt was that Petunia wore far too much make-up. Honestly, there was no need… "I will not tolerate being called _Tuney, _anymore. Vernon doesn't know about the nickname, and it'll stay that way."

"Of course, Tuney," Lily said, nearly grinning when her sister's face flushed with anger. But then, for barely even a second, Lily could see her mother's disapproving look, the small shake of her head at the behavior of her two daughters who were once so close, and Lily swore not to use the nickname again. "I'm sorry. I won't use it again. I promise." Petunia seemed to want to argue, but she must have seen the same thing Lily saw in her mind because she just sighed.

"I've told Vernon about your freakishness. But no one else in his family knows. So, at the wedding, no funny business. Understand?" Lily nodded in agreement, having no urge to show any of Vernon's family members her 'freakishness' anyway.

"Is there anything else, Petunia?" For a moment, her sister seemed to falter, as if she didn't want to say this next part, but had to.

"You need to have a date. I have a reputation to uphold, and my little sister walking around alone would ruin it," she said brusquely. Lily withheld her smile, realizing that Petunia was lying through her teeth. It was nice to know that her sister actually cared enough about her loneliness to allow her to being a date. She wondered briefly if James would still want to crash the wedding…

"Thanks," Lily said softly, and Petunia nodded stiffly, either unable or unwilling to show how much she cared. A few minutes of tense silence followed before:

"Do you have anyone in particular in mind?" Lily nearly laughed. How odd was it for her sister to be asking about personal things. Especially discussing crushes? This wasn't something they'd done since their mother had been in the accident and could no longer force the two of them to talk and pretend to care.

"There's someone I do fancy quite a bit," Lily said softly, her thoughts going to James, and feeling suddenly light and airy. "Well, I'd say more than just fancy."

"And is he handsome?" Petunia asked, her eyes taking this strange glint. Was it curiosity? Interest? Anger?

"I think so, yes. Very much so," Lily said, noticing her voice had taken a dreamy quality. Petunia nodded and then pursed her lips.

"Is he like you?"

"What?"

"Is he a freak, too?" Lily felt like she'd been slapped. She placed her glass on the table far harder than was necessary, and she could barely resist the urge to pull out her wand.

"James is no freak. You can call me whatever you want, _Tuney_, but you don't get to sully James as well." Her voice was harsh, and the two glasses of iced tea gently shook. How dare she? Petunia was marrying a _whale_ for God's sake. How dare she call James, _her James_, a freak? But Petunia didn't seem the least bit fazed by Lily's anger.

"Bring someone normal, Lily," she said rather calmly.

"You're dangerously close to not having your last family member attend your wedding at all, Tuney," Lily said angrily. First Petunia decided she didn't want Lily as a bridesmaid, and now she was insulting James? But Petunia just shook her head; as if woefully ignorant of the anger and pain she was causing her younger sister.

"You think I want a freak like you there? I'm doing this because it's what mum would've wanted—"

"What mum would've wanted?" Lily repeated incredulously. "I've been living off other people's generosity because my own sister and her fiancé refused to help me out in any way. Is that what mum wanted?"

"You're being ridiculous—" But Lily was tired of listening to Petunia, she was tired of pretending that there was anything between them.

"I'm your sister, _your sister_. Did you ever care at all?" Petunia opened her mouth to respond, but Lily didn't give her the chance. She stood and stalked off, Apparating away the moment she thought no one was looking. Had she stayed she would have seen a flicker of annoyance flash over Petunia's face, only to be replaced by genuine sorrow.

XXX

It was the first time she had ever been here, and looking back on it, she should have known better than to come alone.

They looked new, even after more than a year; the stone still gleamed in the sunlight, and the words looked clear. It was hard to believe that beneath her feet were the bodies of two of the most important people in her life.

Lily didn't even bother looking around the small graveyard before pulling out her wand and conjuring a wreath of roses. She placed it carefully between the two slabs of marble, and then stood silently, watching how the gentle breeze kept ruffling the flowers.

She missed them. That much was obvious. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't think of them, and now, with Petunia's marriage looming ever closer, she was feeling their absence even more.

"I thought you'd come here much sooner, Miss Evans," a deep male voice said behind her. Lily didn't bother turning around, but she did wipe away the tears that had rolled down her cheeks without her consent.

"Mr. Potter. It's always a pleasure to know I'm being followed," she said bitterly, not in the mood to deal with his unpleasantness. Especially only hours after she had to deal with her sister's unpleasantness.

"Followed? I wouldn't even dare. Quite like James, you are…shall we say predictable?" Lily turned her head slightly to look at Charlus Potter, wanting very much to tell him exactly what she thought of her 'predictability,' but when she took a good look at him, she found she was speechless. Charlus must have noticed where her eyes were focused because he shrugged and touched the right side of his face gingerly. "I made a somewhat stupid mistake concerning a group of Death Eaters. Nothing to worry about, though." Nothing to worry about? It looked like the entire right side of his face had been burned away; where there was once flesh, there was now only angry black and red scarring.

"Mr. Potter, that _is_ something to worry about," she said in concern, for one second forgetting whom this man was and what he had done to her. Charlus laughed as he shook his head.

"You know what's far worse than faking concern, Miss Evans?" He smiled at her when she shook her head in confusion. "It's having true concern for someone who does not deserve it." He sighed and motioned for her to follow him. For a moment, Lily had every intention of Apparating away, not having any inclination of dealing with Charlus Potter, but then—in a fleeting second when she thought of James and the value he placed on family—she took one last glance at her parents' graves before following Charlus.

"How do you know I wasn't faking?" she asked him, just to spite him.

"I'm an Auror, it's my job to know the difference between those who are genuine and those not."

"Mr. Potter, I—"

"Please, before you say anything, I'd like to say something first." He looked down at her, and she noticed for the first time that he seemed to be in incredible pain. He was trying to hide it, but each time he moved his head, he winced slightly. "I first wish to apologize. And I know words can never be enough to express all the pain I have caused you, but please believe me when I say I'm _sorry_." He ran his fingers through his hair, and Lily saw James in front of her. She couldn't help but nod in acceptance. She wasn't forgiving him, and she would never forget anything he had done, but she would stop treating him so badly. After all, he _was_ the Head of Magical Law Enforcement. The least she could do was be polite.

"You didn't just come here to apologize, did you, Mr. Potter?" she asked, and the older man smiled.

"You're very astute, Miss Evans, a fine quality for an Auror."

"I don't want to be an Auror. I plan on becoming a Healer." This seemed to take Charlus by surprise because his brow furrowed, and a deep frown appeared on his face.

"But Miss Evans! Considering this war, don't you think we need—"

"—more Healers?" she interrupted. "Yes, we do. And aren't you being slightly hypocritical, Mr. Potter?"

"I see James feels the need to tell you everything," Charlus muttered, causing Lily to laugh. At first, he seemed wary of her reaction, but then he smiled slightly. "That isn't what I wished to discuss, however. I'm here to speak to you about the Muggleborn Act."

"It's been repealed?" Lily asked excitedly. Charlus shook his head.

"No. But Albus and I have a plan, and we, ah, require your help." She frowned slightly, but didn't comment. "Albus believes that the Wizengamot has forgotten to whom we owe our thanks. After all, without muggleborns, the wizarding world may very well have died out ages ago."

"So I'm supposed to remind them of what, exactly?" she asked, suddenly wary. To her, it seemed like Dumbledore and Charlus wanted her to have a baby.

"We would like you to attend the next Wizengamot Session. Albus says you're a powerful witch."

"I don't understand," Lily said slowly. Charlus smiled again, and despite his charred face and gray hair, he seemed no older than twenty because of the look in his eyes: a cross between amusement and anticipation.

"We're going to put on a show, Miss Evans."

XXX

Three weeks since he had last seen her. And now, he was going to have a whole afternoon and evening devoted to her company.

For the hundredth time that morning, James tried to flatten his hair, his efforts only to rewarded by it sticking straight up in the air once more. "Stupid, bloody hair. Lay flat!" he said in frustration, grumbling a few choice swear words under his breath as well. Behind him, he heard Sirius snicker.

"Shove it, Sirius," he said before his best mate could even open his mouth to speak. Instead of getting upset, Sirius grinned.

"Testy, Prongs? Are you worried about what Wit thinks?" James narrowed his eyes.

"She already told you she doesn't like that nickname," he said—a _bit_ testily, he supposed. Sirius's grin widened.

"Oh? So you've been reading my mail, have you?"

"It was an accident." Lily's owl giving James the letter _was_ an accident. James opening it, reading it, and then resealing it by magic before handing it over to Sirius later that day, well, wasn't.

"Right. Of course. Just like how I'll accidently let Lily know you read the letters she writes to _me_." James hung his head in shame, allowing his fear to show for the first time all morning.

"I'm just not sure—about anything! What if she changes her mind? What if _I_ change my mind? What if I can't give her what she needs? What if I'm not good enough? What if—"

"Oh, shut up," Sirius moaned, waving his hand unconcernedly. "I'm going to let you in on a secret—the only damn thing _I'm _not sure about is if my parents are completely human. I swear, there has to be troll _somewhere_—"

"Sirius, you're not helping!" James interrupted, finding the troll concept mildly disturbing. Rather than becoming properly ashamed, Sirius rolled his eyes before sighing.

"She's not going to change her mind. And if you weren't good enough, she would never have agreed to go anywhere with you. So stop acting this way. You're making me sick." James glared at his best mate, hating the fact that Sirius was right. It just seemed…too good to be true. Lily didn't hate him, had all her memories, was willing to ignore the so-called threats against him—for the first time, it finally seemed as if there was nothing stopping them from being together.

James opened his mouth to say just that to Sirius when an owl flew through the window of his room. It landed deftly on his desk, knocking over several pieces of parchment and a quill, before sticking out its leg importantly. James heard Sirius mutter something about 'arrogant birds' behind him causing him to chuckle as he opened the letter. He was surprised that the neat and tight scrawl belonged to Lily.

_James, _

_How are you? I hope your summer has been going well, or at least better than mine. Petunia is still being a pain, and only the thought of you crashing the wedding keeps me going. But that's not why I've written. _

_Unfortunately, something has come up, and I'm going to have to cancel our plans. I'll see you in two weeks, at the wedding. I'm really sorry, James. I was so looking forward to it! _

_Love from, _

_Lily_

James stared at the letter for a moment before thrusting it out to Sirius in disgust. It took the other boy only a moment to scan through it before he looked up at James in confusion.

"So? What's got your wand in a twist?" he asked slowly, a bit of disappointment lacing his voice.

"She cancelled, Sirius. _Cancelled._ An hour before we were to meet. Without giving an explanation." Sirius's eyes narrowed before he shook his head.

"I know where you're going with this, and I'd just like to say I think you're wrong. She's not trying to avoid you!"

"Then why not tell me what came up?"

"She's not obligated to tell you everything that goes on in her life, James. Merlin, you're acting as if she's your wife. Maybe she's honestly busy and she didn't think it important enough to explain, or maybe she's met someone else." James felt his face heat up.

"Met someone else?" he nearly shouted, infuriated that Sirius would even mention that. When he had become upset, it was because Lily was being secretive. He hadn't thought that she may have met someone else. But dear Merlin, what if she _had_?

"I said _maybe_. She hasn't. Well, probably. I mean, she does 'love' you and all. But one never does know, yeah?" Sirius mumbled to himself, scratching his chin. James roared in anger, throwing himself at Sirius and tackling him to the floor where he proceeded to hit his best friend anywhere he could. But Sirius, rather than being in proper pain, just seemed to find the whole thing rather hilarious, and with each punch James landed, he would laugh louder.

"You're. An. Idiot!" James said, hitting Sirius once with each word. Sirius managed to throw James off of him before he went on the offensive.

"So? You're a liar!" Sirius yelled, hitting James in the stomach. Perhaps it was James freezing in shock, or maybe it was just because Sirius was tired of fighting, but both boys just stared at each other, no more words or punches being exchanged.

"What?" James finally managed to say, realizing Sirius was upset. Without speaking, Sirius stood and grabbed one of the deep red pillows off James's bed and threw it at the wall.

"Brothers through thick and thin. Brothers before anything else—school, work, even _girls_. Brothers, James. What happened to that?" Sirius grabbed another pillow, throwing this one at the owl that had brought Lily's letter, one James now recognized as a Ministry owl.

"I've always stood by that," he said slowly, wondering where Sirius was going with this conversation. Did he mean he didn't like Lily? Did he mean he didn't want her around? James felt his hands shake in worry. He knew that if that was what Sirius wanted, he would go through with it. He'd give up Lily for his best mate, even if he didn't want to. Even if it would be the hardest thing he ever had to do. Desperately, James prayed that he was misunderstanding Sirius.

"Really? Do you honestly think you've been much of a brother?"

"What are you trying to say? Just spit it out!"

"Fine! You want me to _spit it out_? Well, I think you're a selfish, arrogant, prat and you've forgotten you have three people who count on you! How's that for _spitting it out_?" Sirius snarled, throwing yet another pillow and causing the owl to screech.

"Selfish? Because I've spent too much time with Lily? Do you all not like her?"

"Not _like_ her? Are you daft? Have you forgotten that she was friends with Peter, Remus and I _before_ she could even tolerate you?"

"Then why are you so angry?" James asked in frustration, not understanding what was going on anymore. Sirius looked conflicted, as if he shouldn't be saying anything, but then his face turned red and he glared at James.

"Tonight's the full moon! You _forgot_. You forgot because you were too preoccupied with yourself. _That's_ why Lily cancelled. She thought you were only coming just because you felt you had to and she wanted to let you off the hook."

"How do you know all that?" James demanded. Sirius blushed and shrugged.

"I saw Lily earlier today. We had breakfast together before she went to meet with Petunia." James frowned and then pointed to the hassled looking owl.

"Why is she at the Ministry?" Sirius looked at the owl before shrugging again.

"I don't know. She was supposed to be with Petunia all day. I'll have you know she doesn't tell everyone everything," Sirius said bitterly, shrugging once more.

"Why did she have breakfast with you?" James asked, staring at the owl with suspicion. Behind him, Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Oh yes, I had forgotten. Lily's not allowed to speak or spend time with anyone but you, right?"

"That's not what I meant—"

"Why does it matter then?" Sirius interrupted, looking at him closely. James frowned, realizing he didn't even have an answer. He wasn't jealous at all. He knew Sirius was friends with Lily, and he was sure there was nothing but friendship between the two of them. It wasn't even the fact that Lily had made time for Sirius but not him. And yet, something just didn't sit well with him. Something seemed off.

"Where's my dad?" he suddenly asked, looking up at Sirius.

"I don't know," Sirius said slowly, catching on. "You don't think she's with Mr. Potter, do you?" James ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.

"If she is, it's not like we can do anything." His brow furrowed and then he just shook his head. "Come on, let's get to Moony." Sirius looked like he wanted to protest, but instead he wrote Lily a quick response and sent the Ministry owl off.

Neither of them mentioned Sirius's accusation against James again.

XXX

"Ah, Lily! How has your summer been?" Dumbledore greeted her the moment she walked through the doors that led to Charlus Potter's office. Lily didn't immediately respond to the headmaster, she was too busy looking at the other people in the room. There was a young couple holding hands in the back, the two of them whispering furiously with each other. A young man with dark hair smiled brightly at her, and a stern-looking older woman next to him gave her a polite nod.

"It's been grand, Professor. And I have you to thank for that," she said, looking back at Dumbledore. He just smiled at her before motioning to the arguing couple.

"May I introduce you to Sean and Marlene McKinnon?" he said, coughing gently to get their attention. The couple turned at the sound of their names and Lily suddenly recognized them as former Hogwarts students. They couldn't have graduated more than two years ago… "They have recently celebrated their union," Dumbledore continued with a small smile. It almost seemed as if he was teasing them. Sean ignored the Headmaster and held out his hand for Lily to shake it, but Lily was sure Marlene stuck her tongue out at Dumbledore.

"It's very nice to meet you, Miss Evans," Sean said respectfully. "We've heard so much about you." Marlene rolled her bright brown eyes and shoved her husband out of the way.

"Lily Evans! You've grown, haven't you?" she said with a wink. "And I hear you've caught the fancy of young James. Tell me, honestly, how do you stand that boy?" Lily blinked, surprised by how quickly Marlene treated her like they had been friends for years. But that surprise was nothing compared to the shock she felt when Marlene pulled her into a tight hug. Behind them, she could hear Charlus laugh.

"Sean, tell me honestly, how do you stand Marlene?" he said. Sean merely winked at Marlene, the young man with dark hair chuckled appreciatively, and even the stern looking woman cracked a grin. Marlene let Lily go before raising an eyebrow at Charlus.

"I didn't know you even knew how to make a joke," she said in mock surprise, causing Dumbledore—powerful, exceptional, and wise Dumbledore—to snort in laughter. But before anyone could comment, Dumbledore motioned towards the young dark haired man.

"This is William Irwin. He is an Auror, working for Charlus."

"Nice to meet you, Lily," he said, tilting an invisible hat in her direction. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he motioned towards the final person in the room.

"And this charming lady is Jane Stone. She once taught Arithmancy at Hogwarts." Jane Stone shook Lily's hand with a small smile.

"I've heard you have a talent for Arithmancy. Very impressive, Miss Evans." Lily blushed at the comment but had no time to respond. Charlus began to speak.

"These people, and more than half a dozen others who could not make it today, are what makes up the Order of the Phoenix," he told her. Lily was surprised. Dumbledore had said that she would not be a part of the Order until after graduation.

He must have read her thoughts, because the Headmaster chuckled. "Times have changed, Lily. We need you to work with Marlene and William." At that, Marlene bounded forward and hooked her arm through Lily's.

"You see, Lily, Will and I are muggleborn too! We're going to get that Act repealed." Will nodded in agreement, his face solemn.

"Yes, I'd like my job back, right, Mr. Potter?" Charlus nodded and turned to Jane who clapped her hands together briskly.

"Alright Miss Evans, I need you to pay attention carefully."

"The plan is hers," Marlene whispered in Lily's ear. "She's quite proud of it." Lily managed to stifle her giggle at Marlene's comment and nodded seriously at Jane.

"There is a Wizengamot Session in early August. They will be discussing what to do with the majority of muggleborns working in the Ministry—those like Mr. Irwin," Jane continued. "Now, most members of the Wizengamot have been either threatened in voting for the Act, or they've been bought. Our job is to convince them that they're making a mistake."

"But that seems impossible," Lily blurted out, her insecurities about the Act finally surfacing. Jane smiled in what seemed to be understanding before shaking her head. However, it was Will who continued for her.

"That's the thing, Lily. It's not impossible at all," he said with a bright smile. "All we need to do is show them that we're more powerful than the Death Eaters—that we can win." Lily looked at Will and nearly shook her head in disappointment. The poor man seemed to think that such a thing was actually possible. Even if they managed to convince the old codgers in the Wizengamot that they were more powerful, most of them wouldn't even care. Prejudice and hate was far too ingrained in wizarding society. Muggleborns were hated just because they were muggleborn—no one would decide to repeal the Act just because a few muggleborns proved that they were powerful. If anything, it would increase the hate others felt.

"You all realize this won't work, don't you?" Lily asked slowly, shaking her head. Jane grinned suddenly and looked like she could have kissed Lily right then and there.

"My exact thoughts when I was first told of what the Order wished to do as well, Miss Evans. Which is why I came up with _my_ plan." Charlus pulled out a book, flipped it open, and handed it to Lily carefully. The moment she looked at the page, she gasped, unable to believe her eyes. "The Act states that muggleborns are less able magically, that it would be more beneficial for them to remain with their muggle roots. Dumbledore believes that the majority of the Wizengamot has pure hearts and they are merely afraid. If that is true, then this spell will get the Act repealed—and we'd be proving those bigoted idiots wrong," Jane said with a grin.

"First of all, this is _very_ advanced magic. Not since the four Hogwarts Founders has anyone been able to use it correctly! And even if we managed to perform it, who's to say their hearts are pure? We could easily destroy any chances the muggleborns have of staying in the world they belong!"

"We realize the risks, Miss Evans. But we cannot think of anything else. Do you have any suggestions?" Charlus didn't speak harshly or even sarcastically. He seemed actually hopeful that she would have another idea. Yet, regardless, Lily blushed as she stared at the book in her hands, suddenly ashamed.

"We'd need another person to help us," she said slowly, realizing Will, Marlene, and herself wouldn't be enough. Jane shrugged.

"Part of proving them wrong is performing the spell with only three people rather than four."

"Professor Dumbledore, you're sure about their hearts, right?" Lily asked, realizing that she'd go through with the plan even if she wasn't sure it would work. Dumbledore nodded, his eyes twinkling. Finally, she nodded, causing Marlene to whoop with joy and Will grin widely and pull her into a hug.

They had little more than a week to learn one of the most advanced spells in the wizarding world, they were going to perform it in front of a group of men who's intentions she wasn't even sure of, fully aware that if they failed, it wasn't just the fate of all muggleborns at stake—it was their very lives.

Lily shivered, wondering if Petunia would be happy to know that there was a very good chance that her sister wouldn't be attending the wedding after all.

XXX

"No, that's not right. Try it again, Lily," Marlene muttered tiredly. Three days had passed since Charlus and the other Order members had let her in on the plan to repeal the Act, and the three of them—Will, Marlene, and herself—were nowhere closer to performing the spell than they were then.

Mr. Potter had given them an entire wing of his home—an entire_ wing!_—to work in until the day of the Wizengamot Session. It was much more nerve-wracking for Lily than the others because she knew James was just several corridors away. Of course, James was unaware Lily was even at his home, and she had been forbidden to tell him. "Distractions are unacceptable," Charlus had told her sadly, as if he knew how she felt.

Lily sighed and raised her wand again, mentally imagining how it was supposed to look. The difficulty of the spell wasn't in the wand motions nor the incantation. It was the power behind it, and the concentration needed to perform it.

The purpose of the spell was simple. Those on whom the spell was cast were able to see exactly how they felt about something and were compelled to act on how they felt. It was different from the Imperious Curse because the caster wasn't forcing their own beliefs on the victim—rather, the victim was just freed from everything that bound them from doing the right thing, such as fear, greed, or social pressures. That was why it was so imperative that those in the Wizengamot didn't believe in the Act, why Lily constantly asked Dumbledore if he was _positive_ about their intentions.

But that wasn't a big deal if they couldn't even cast the spell.

They had been practicing on one another, and so far only Will had managed to get anywhere. He had gotten Marlene to admit that she loved chocolate and got her to eat an entire bar of Honeydukes—something Marlene adamantly refused she enjoyed just hours before. What really made Lily ashamed was that casting on one person was far simpler than an entire room of people. And she was still unable to make it work.

"_Videranimae!_" she said loudly, her wand pointed at Will. There was a flash of bright gold before Will was thrown back, hitting the floor with a thud. "Will!" Lily and Marlene shouted at the same time, rushing over to him. He groaned as he tried to sit up. "Merlin, Will, I'm so sorry," Lily gushed, looking to see if he was hurt.

"S'okay," he muttered, groaning once more before he chuckled. "Hate me that much, do you, Lily?" Marlene laughed, but Lily blushed as she shook her head and helped him up.

"No! Of course not, I'm so sorry!" she said again, still mortified.

"You know, Lily, the spell is supposed to kill you because of how much energy it can drain, not by knocking people into walls," Marlene said conversationally, grinning when Lily stuck her tongue out at her.

"How about we call it a day?" Will asked, rubbing his back with a wince. Lily wanted to protest—they only had three more days to perfect the spell!—but she agreed, still full of guilt at what had happened to Will.

They sank down into the comfortable couches that had been placed in the back of the room they practiced in. Marlene immediately kicked off her shoes and leaned her head back, sighing.

"This is so exhausting," she said. Lily looked at her new friend, and found herself grinning slightly. Marlene was tall, with flowing golden hair and wonderfully expressive eyes. She was so much like Mary that at times Lily nearly forgot that she wasn't.

Will, on the other hand, was nothing like anyone she knew. He was talkative, but he hated speaking about personal topics. He had blue eyes that seemed almost cold, though Marlene had told her that it was just a defense. Lily had grown to like them both in a very short time.

"Worse than Auror training," Will said in agreement, kicking his own shoes off. Lily laughed and shook her head.

"At least you've managed to get it to work, Will," she said. "Marlene and I can't even manage a wisp."

"Yeah, but you're worse, Lily," Marlene added, grinning mischievously. "You've hurt someone, I haven't."

"Talk a bit more, Marlene, and I'll hurt _you_," Lily said, laughing when Marlene held a hand to her heart in mock hurt. Will just shook his head at their antics before he too began to laugh.

XXX

It was their final day, and Lily had not yet managed to perform the spell. Marlene had finally gotten it the day before, forcing Lily to admit she loved her sister and wanted to go to the wedding desperately. But no matter how many times she tried to cast the spell on Will, she just couldn't.

"You're thinking too hard, Lily," Will told her gently, grabbing her hand before she could try to cast again. "Let yourself go, imagine me as someone you trust—someone you're close to. Don't worry about anything else, not the Act, not what I might say that'll embarrass me, not anything." Lily looked at Will and nodded slowly before raising her wand for the hundredth time that day.

Will stood in front of her with a small smile on his face, one that stated he was confident of her abilities. Slowly, she closed her eyes, and in his place, she thought of her mother. She wasn't sure how this was supposed to help, but she no longer cared. Without pausing, she raised her wand and performed the flick and twist to the right before softly saying the incantation.

She opened her eyes.

Will was standing there, a light blue light surrounding him. His eyes closed briefly before they shot open and the light disappeared.

"I love a girl I know will never love me back," he admitted, and then—without warning or even preamble—he walked forward and pulled Lily into a tight hug. "You remind me of her," he whispered in her ear. Lily stiffened but felt her heart go out to him.

"Why won't she love you back? Is she blind? You're the perfect man," Marlene said in shock. Will laughed and let go of Lily before he answered.

"She died. Killed by Death Eaters." A single tear rolled down his cheek and Lily suddenly wished she had never learned the spell. Marlene's chocolate confession and her own about Petunia didn't seem anywhere as private as Will's. Once again, the fact that hundreds of things could go wrong occurred to Lily. What if she didn't concentrate enough on the Act and the spell didn't force them to admit how they felt about the Act, but about something that didn't even matter?

"We can do this," Marlene suddenly said, her voice full of hope. "For the girl you loved, Will, for us, for everyone. We can do it!" Will nodded vigorously and Lily found herself wishing she could be as optimistic as the other two.

It wasn't until later that night that she realized Will's confession was entirely her fault. She had been thinking about her mother and how much she wished she could hear her say, 'I love you.' And then she wondered if Will had told her to think of someone she loved for exactly that reason.

It seemed Will wasn't as guarded as Marlene had thought he was; it seemed even the most private of people had things they desperately wanted to share but didn't know how.

It seemed that Will Irwin was exactly the same as Lily Evans.

XXX

"Dear members of the Wizengamot, we are here today to discuss the Muggleborn Act recently passed. Albus Dumbledore has steadfastly been opposing the bill, and he would like us to consider repealing it." The Minister of Magic was a harsh looking woman, Lily decided, as she watched Bagnold speak. Yet, that brought her comfort. It was this strong woman who was on their side, she realized. "Here to speak on behalf of all Muggleborns are Mr. William Irwin, and Misses Lily Evans and Marlene McKinnon. If they would have your undivided attention, please," she finished, motioning for the three of them to stand and walk over to the center of the room.

It had been decided the day before that Lily should speak, but now she was regretting agreeing to that. In front of all the men and woman around her, Lily felt childish and silly. But she took a deep breath and recited what the three of them had written together the day before.

"When we were eleven, we walked into Ollivander's and were chosen by a wand. We went to Hogwarts and did well there." She paused, realizing this recited and robot-like speech was getting them nowhere. She wanted to let them know how she felt, what the Act truly was doing to those like her. Lily took a deep breath and started over. "Magic…is everything to me. It's made me different, but it's made me special. Learning I had magic, coming to Hogwarts, attending classes for six years now, has made me understand who I am and where I belong. I'm no muggle," she stared at them all, wondering if they could feel how frustrated she was, "I was born with magic in my blood. I could no sooner part with it than with my own arm." Lily paused, looked at Will and Marlene who were nodding enthusiastically, and then clenched her fists. "I am a witch. And no one can take that away from me." As one, the three of them raised their wands and cried out the incantation together.

"_Videranimae!_"

A blue light surrounded each man and woman in the room, people began whispering in astonishment, and from where she stood, Lily could see Dumbledore smiling proudly. But before she could see if all their hard work had paid off, they were ushered out—exhausted, but hopeful—leaving the Wizengamot to vote on their own.

XXX

James's hands shook as he stared at the newspaper. Next to him, Sirius was staring at it with his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Peter had choked on his breakfast when he saw the headline. Only Remus seemed unaffected.

"'Muggleborns fight to repeal Act'," James read aloud, his voice far higher than normal.

"Lily performed the _Videranimae _spell? That's…wow," Sirius muttered, obviously unable to articulate what he felt. Remus grabbed the newspaper from him, before he smacked the other three on the head with it.

"You all knew she was a powerful witch. Besides, she did the spell with two others. William Irwin and Marlene McKinnon."

"I remember Sean McKinnon. He was Head Boy two years ago. Is Marlene his sister?"

"Nah, his wife. Got married about two months ago," Remus answered Sirius who nodded in understanding.

"Isn't it illegal?" Peter asked suddenly. Remus shook his head.

"No. It's a little known law that when the Chief Warlock—Dumbledore—believes that the Wizengamot is being influenced by outside forces, the _Videranimae _spell is performed. It's to prevent corrupt laws from passing."

"Well, if Dumbledore is Chief Warlock, why didn't he just cast the spell?" James asked, looking at Remus with a frown. He didn't realize his friend was so knowledgeable about the wizarding world's parliament.

"Because this way he's also making a statement. The Act states muggleborns are weak and can't do magic. What better way to prove someone wrong than to shove something like this down their throats?" Sirius snorted at Remus's wry smile, but James just continued frowning.

"My dad was involved. He had to be," he said, pushing his plate of eggs aside as he stood. Remus and Sirius looked at him in confusion, but James ignored them both. He had thought that after the discussion he had with his father in the Three Broomsticks, there wouldn't be anymore meddling, there wouldn't be anymore intrusions. He had thought Lily would be left alone. Why was she being asked to perform a highly dangerous spell in front of fifty men and women who probably didn't like her anyway? He practically stalked over to his father's office and opened the door without even knocking.

He nearly passed out in shock at the sight that met his eyes.

XXX

Petunia checked her watch for the fourth time that morning. Vernon knew she had something important to discuss with him, but he obviously didn't seem to care enough to be punctual. Ten minutes with her wasn't going to make him late for work, as he liked to claim. If anything, what she had to say and the argument it would inevitably cause would make him late.

"Petunia! There you are. What was so important that you dragged me way out here?" Vernon said as he kicked the chair slightly aside and sat down—at the same table she had met with Lily the previous week. He drained the cup of tea that sat on the table before giving her an expectant look. His mustache quivered, as if he was nervous.

"I just wanted to discuss my sister," she said softly, glad she had chosen somewhere so public for this talk. She wasn't afraid that Vernon would hurt her—he would _never_ do that—but she also didn't want to be subject to his temper.

After all, his voice could become quite loud.

"What about her?" he asked, now taking a large bite of the pastry she had bought him. Petunia nearly winced at the noises he made as he swallowed, but she focused on the matter at hand. In hindsight, she probably shouldn't have waited to long to discuss this with him.

"I was wondering, well, if it would all right if she came to our wedding?" Vernon blinked at her for a moment and then frowned.

"I thought you didn't like her. You said you thought she was nothing more than a freak. You begged me not to judge you based on her," he said, his voice filled with confusion. Petunia nearly began to cry—just as she had the night she told Vernon about Lily's magic.

"She's my sister, Vernon. I may not care for her freakishness, but I want her at my wedding." Vernon didn't answer right away. Instead, he finished his pastry and licked his fingers clean before shrugging.

"I don't know why you're asking me. If you want her there, invite her," he said simply. Petunia felt a surge of affection for the man she was going to marry. No matter how disgustingly he ate, he loved her.

"She also has a boyfriend…" she began, waiting for Vernon to finish her statement for her.

"And you want to invite him as well?" For a moment, she thought he was going to say no, but then he shrugged once more. "He's a freak, too?" Without waiting for her nod, he stood up. "It's fine by me, Petunia. She's your sister and you want her there and you want her happy. Invite the freaks." Vernon gave her a smile, kissed her goodbye, and left her at the café.

She just sat there, wondering how on Earth she could have possibly gotten so lucky as to have Vernon as her fiancé.

XXX

"Is that your son, Charlus? My, he looks just like you!" a woman James didn't even know said happily, briefly looking away from Lily's very still body. James stumbled forward, staring at her, his legs feeling like they had been Transfigured into jelly.

"L-Lily? What's happened to her?" he said, his eyes darting around his father's office for someone who would answer him. Alastor Moody, the Head of the Auror Department, merely stood stoically, staring at him with cold eyes. A young man he recognized as Sean was kneeling down next to another very still body, and Dumbledore was muttering spells under his breath as he waved his wand over the woman—Marlene, perhaps?

"James, sit down, nothing has happened," his father said bracingly as he motioned for James to sit on a chair near the settee Lily was laying on. James blinked in confusion.

"Nothing has happened? Sh-she looks dead!" It was then that Sean and Moody grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him into the chair.

"Albus says you should join the Order, but let me tell you now, _boy_, I will not tolerate this behavior in our ranks!" Moody spat at him. James could do nothing but open and close his mouth repeatedly. Moody had never scared him—and he had known the crazy Auror for years through his father—but at that moment, not even Voldemort himself would have frightened James as much as Moody.

"James, Lily is all right," Dumbledore said softly as he looked up from Marlene. "She met a few who did not appreciate her stance on the Act. Once she has rested, she should be perfectly fine." Dumbledore then turned to Sean and smiled slightly. "Marlene should wake soon. She is just fine," he said, his eyes brightening when Sean just let out a choked laugh and rushed to his wife's side.

"They were attacked? Is this because of the _Videranimae_ spell? It has to be! Professor, why didn't you stop her—"

"Stop her from what, James?" The older woman who had grinned at him earlier said with a shrewd smile. "Stop her from doing what she thought was right? Stop her from finding a way to come back to Hogwarts?"

"Stop her from getting hurt!" James said in frustration, hating that all these people seemed not to care. Didn't they realize that he couldn't breathe at the thought of her getting hurt? Didn't they realize he couldn't imagine any sort of life without her nagging him about something—_anything? _Didn't they realize that without Lily there was no James?

"Calm down, James," his father said, his eyes sparkling with understanding. "Miss Evans needs to be moved to her room now. How about you help?" James immediately nodded and stood, looking down at Lily's face. She looked almost as if she was dead; only the steady and gentle rise and fall of her chest proved otherwise. He hesitantly touched the tips of her fingers and nearly heaved a sigh of relief at the warmth that he felt.

Sean had just raised his wand and had levitated Lily when Dumbledore placed a hand on James's shoulder. "If you don't mind, could you be by her side when she wakes? She has been most anxious to see you," he said softly, giving Lily's still form a look very much like a grandfather would give his favorite granddaughter. James nodded mutely, ignoring Sean's knowing smile, the old woman's snicker, and Moody's glare. "Sean, show James where Lily has been staying. Alastor, you and Charlus need to go back to the Ministry and speak to the members of the Wizengamot. Find out how the voting went. I'm afraid I'm no longer trusted. Jane—" But before James could find out what the old woman's task would be, Sean had pushed him out of his father's office and shut the door.

"For the Order's ears only, sorry," he said with a shrug before motioning James to follow him. "Lily's been staying in one of your unused wings for the past week. Her room is right next to Marlene's."

"She's been at Potter Manor for over a week?" James exclaimed, nearly losing focus and dropping Lily. Sean chuckled lightly as he turned his head and gave James a smile.

"I know how you feel. Marlene just didn't come home the afternoon we had an Order meeting, and no one would tell me where she was. 'No distractions,' I was told by your dad." Sean made a face, making it clear how he felt about that before he shrugged. "It's no big deal, I suppose. I just wish I had known she was here. I'd have been less worried."

"What were they doing here?" Sean raised an eyebrow at the question, as if surprised that James even had to ask.

"Marlene, Will, and Lily were learning the spell. I suppose you could say they were training." James nodded, his eyes focusing on Lily's face for a moment. He could swear that just for a moment her eyes had fluttered—as if she was waking up. But then, she seemed just as cold and dead-looking as before. "Can I ask you a personal question?" Sean suddenly asked, giving James a sideways look. He seemed to take James's silence as a yes. "You're, what, seventeen?" James nodded slowly. "Do you love her?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Well, you're just so young. But you seem so…infatuated with her." Sean seemed distinctly uncomfortable, but James didn't care. A surge of anger filled his very core at Sean's insinuation.

"You're barely twenty and you're married! You're one to talk," he snapped, glaring at the other man. Sean blushed, but stopped walking and faced James head-on.

"Yes, I'm married! But I love Marlene with all my heart. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. I just wanted to know if you love Lily."

"And I don't know what that has to do with you," James said angrily, his hand clenching his wand tightly. Sean didn't even know him, and yet, he felt comfortable enough to question James's feelings for Lily.

"Fine. I'm sorry. Obviously, that was too personal of a question," Sean said in exasperation, as if James had failed some sort of test. He turned and continued to walk, his shoulders slumped in what James thought was disappointment. "Just…a word to the wise: watch out for Will. I don't think he realizes it yet, but he's developing feelings for her." The words hit James like a boulder and it was his turn to stop walking.

"H-how do you know if he doesn't even know?" Sean didn't bother looking around before he answered.

"Because while Will was out of it, he kept muttering her name."

"Another Lily, perhaps?"

"How many Lily Evans' do _you_ know?" Sean said sarcastically. James blinked and they walked in silence for several minutes. He tried to absorb everything Sean had told him, but he just kept coming back to the same thing.

"Why are you telling me all this?" Sean opened a door and led James inside. It must have been the area where Lily and the others tried to master the spell, because there were several fallen tables, and a crushed bookcase were it seemed someone had slammed into it. James momentarily hoped it was Will before he felt ashamed of his thought.

"I don't know what that has to do with you," Sean said calmly, turning right and into a hallway with two rooms on the right and two rooms on the left. James sighed, realizing he deserved that statement, considering how rudely he had treated the older man. Yet, he didn't apologize. Instead, the two of them lowered Lily onto a bed in silence. Sean watched wordlessly as James gently tucked her in.

"You'll be staying with Marlene, right?" James asked, just as Sean was about to leave.

"Until she wakes up. Then we'll be going home." James nodded and then looked at Lily's face for a moment before turning back to Sean with a small smile.

"I do love her. I don't know when or how that happened, but I do. Very much."

"Sort of sneaks up on a bloke, doesn't it?" Sean laughed, and James found himself grinning stupidly as he nodded. "Will's a good person, James. He wouldn't try anything. But you should know, just in case…"

"Lily would call me a jealous toerag if I said anything," James laughed. Sean rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, that sounds like Marlene as well. You can tell her you're just being protective," Sean said with a wink. They both realized that Lily's 'jealous toerag' statement was spot on. They just didn't need to admit it aloud. After all, for the two of them, being jealous toerags was a part of the job.

"Thanks, Sean," James said quietly, not really knowing why he was thanking the older man. Maybe it was because he had warned him about Will, or maybe because he turned out to be very much like Remus, and it made James realize he had a friend outside of school and in the Order, which was a comforting thought. But more so, it was because Sean had gotten him to admit to something he had not yet admitted aloud.

He had fallen for her.

XXX

The problem with weddings, she decided, was that everyone expected you to be happy and excited. No one ever paused to wonder if anyone actually _wanted_ to be happy or excited. What if all you wanted to do was sit down and sulk? Well, at a wedding you couldn't! No, there was that expectation that one should smile and laugh, and drink so much alcohol that even if you are down, it just doesn't seem that way anymore.

Weddings, she thought with finality, were stupid. She just wouldn't bother with them.

"And then I, _hic_, told the cabbie that if he, _hic_, ever spoke that way again, I'd show him, _hic_, a thing or two about—" Lily barely suppressed the urge to roll her eyes as she tuned out Marge's latest anecdote about how stupid everyone was. She was tempted to grab another glass of champagne, but after her first, Petunia had given her a glare, a clear indication that Lily _was not to drink_. Then again, Lily could almost understand Petunia's anger. What could be worse than her little sister attending the wedding without a date? Her little sister drinking away her woes during the wedding she had attended without a date.

"Gee, Lily, how _could_ you be so thickheaded as to be alone!" she muttered to herself, chuckling a bit when an old man—a relative of Vernon's, judging by his girth—gave her an odd look as he walked past.

She hadn't expected to be alone. When she had woken up, it was to discover that James had been at her bedside for two days. After that, they rarely were seen apart, mainly because James wouldn't let her go anywhere without his company. He had even taken to sleeping on the floor of her room at nights to ensure her 'safety,' as he had said—at least until she had put a stop to that when she went back to her own flat.

But then, the day before the wedding, James was gone, and no one seemed to know where. Remus—who was staying at the Potter's for the rest of the summer—and Sirius had told her they weren't sure where James had gone, just that he expected to be back before the wedding so he could be with her. Charlus Potter had told her that James was dealing with familial matters and would return once they were settled. Dumbledore said that James was undergoing a 'hardship' he had to endure alone.

All in all, she was worried sick, and she was all alone.

"I can't believe you, Lily," Petunia suddenly hissed in her ear. Lily looked at her sister, internally very much in awe at how beautiful her sister looked in her dress , and wrinkled her nose in distaste.

"Your make-up smells odd, Tuney. Did you use the kind that has bull semen in it?"

"Lily! _Shut. Up_. Where's your date? You're embarrassing me!" Lily rolled her eyes.

"How am I embarrassing _you_?" she asked calmly, raising an eyebrow at Petunia. Tuney merely heaved deep breathe before leaving her there alone, her thoughts going right back to where James could be.

"Bull semen? Really, Lily?" said a voice from behind her, a voice Lily nearly whooped from joy at hearing.

"James!" she said, turning to give him a tight hug. When she released him, she realized something was different almost immediately.

He looked very cleaned up and mature in his nice clothes, but there was a darkness in his eyes, a certain fear in the way he was holding his shoulders. His back was stiff and his jaw clenched tight. Something was dreadfully wrong.

"James, what's happened?" she whispered, placing a hand on his cheek, hurt and surprised when he pulled away. It suddenly occurred to her that when he had teased her about the bull semen comment, his voice had sounded distant and forced, as if he was merely a shell of his former self. "James?" she said weakly, staring straight into his eyes as if she would get some sort of answer that way.

"You look nice, Lily," he said softly. Lily stared at him, knowing that no matter what he was saying his thoughts weren't on how she looked. She realized that despite the fact he was standing next to her at a wedding, he was far from even having the _slightest_ desire to be there. But before Lily could speak, could tell James that wherever he had been—whatever had happened to him—he could just leave to deal with it, Petunia had returned, this time accompanied by Vernon.

No one spoke for the longest time. Lily was too busy staring at James's face for any signs of the boy she had known just two days ago—the one who had all these stupid ideas about how they could make Petunia angry at the wedding, from slurping to spilling food all over the floor. Vernon was also staring at James, but it was as if he was sizing James up, perhaps to see if he could take on a wizard who had nearly finished his schooling and was widely considered the best in his class. Even Petunia was staring at James, though by the expression on her face, she hadn't expected James to be nearly as good-looking as Lily had described him.

"So you're finally here, eh, boy?" Vernon boomed in his loud voice. James's eyes snapped from the ground to Vernon and slight confusion flashed on his face before it returned to its previous state.

"I'm sorry I was late. Family issues," he said almost automatically, as if he had practiced those two lines extensively in front of a mirror.

"Family issues? What issues?" Vernon asked rudely, looking from James to Lily.

"He doesn't have to answer to you," Lily said softly, taking hold of James's hand, and nearly sighing in relief when he didn't pull away. Vernon ignored her and continued his interrogation.

"What do you drive?" he asked, folding his arms across his chest superiorly. James frowned slightly.

"I own a Cleansweep Seven. It's the newest model," James said, his eyes lifeless despite the slight excitement in his voice. Lily pulled slightly on his hand, feeling tears filling her eyes.

But James did not look at her. His gaze was fixed on Vernon.

"What the hell is that?"

"A flying broomstick," James said simply. This seemed to finally reach Vernon's invisible limit because he turned red in the face and turned to Petunia.

"I tried, Petunia. I promised I would, and I did. But they're freaks! Broomsticks and flying?" he said hysterically before waving his arms in the air and walking away. It was then that Lily felt something hard hit her cheek, and it took her a full second to realize that her sister had slapped her.

"You're a good for nothing freak! I _hate_ you!" Petunia said harshly before she followed her husband.

Being slapped by her sister in front of a large group of people wouldn't have been so bad had James done what she expected him to do—to pull her into a hug and tell her that Petunia was wrong, that Lily wasn't a good for nothing freak. Instead, James merely watched her impassively—almost curiously—as tears spilled down her cheeks at the shock of her sister's words and the pain of realizing it was probably true.

"I'm going to go home, James," she said in a whisper, not even looking up at him. James blinked.

"I'll Side-Along you."

"No!" Lily said immediately, feeling even more tears spilling down her cheeks. "No, I'll go alone. Thank you for coming tonight." Without even bothering to see if he'd respond—though he probably wouldn't—Lily grabbed a glass of champagne—who was she to not annoy her sister one last time?—before she walked away, Apparating the moment no one was around.

XXX

"She slapped you? How rude," Marlene said, though Lily could see that she was fighting a smile. "What did James do? He didn't kill your sister, right? That's not why you're sobbing."

Lily hadn't planned on speaking to anyone that night, but Marlene was sitting on her couch when she got to her flat above the apothecary, and she didn't have the heart to tell her to leave. Instead, Lily found herself talking about how dreadful the wedding had been, though she hadn't yet mentioned James's odd behavior.

"He just…stared at me," Lily finally said, feeling something in her chest ache painfully. Marlene frowned and shook her head.

"James acted that way? Did something happen to him?" Lily wiped away her tears before they could fall down her cheeks and shrugged.

"I don't know. I just—I just felt like he wanted nothing better than to leave. So, I let him." She wiped her eyes once more, trying to stem the flow of silent tears, beginning to realize that she may be fighting a lost cause.

"You know, Charlus has been acting strangely lately. Maybe the two of them had a fight or something?" Marlene suggested. Yet, far from cheering Lily up, this statement made her want to sob even more.

"It's not his dad, Marlene. If it was, he would be angry, upset. But when I saw him, he just didn't seemed to be feeling anything at all."

"I think I know where you're going with this…" Marlene began, but Lily didn't let her finish.

"I must have done something. Maybe I said something. I don't know, but this is all my fault."

"Oh, come on, you don't know that," Marlene said comfortingly, though Lily could see the spark of doubt in her eyes. Lily had suspected it involved her when Sirius and Remus wouldn't talk to her; she had become more sure when Charlus called it 'familial matters.' This was just the final proof.

She just wished she knew what she had done to make James so…empty. Perhaps that way she could fix it.

XXX

_Lily, _

_I am sending this letter along with your school supplies list because I did not wish to raise your hopes before everything was finalized. _

_I first wish to congratulate you, Will, and Marlene on such an excellent job, and I'm sure every muggleborn who can now return to Hogwarts are quite thankful for your efforts. You have not only proven yourself, but all those who were not born into magic. _

_Secondly, I wish to thank you. I realize that I asked far too much of you, though I will not pretend that I am not quite elated at the results. _

_Thirdly, you may have recently noticed James's odd behavior. I'm afraid it is not in my place to tell you what has happened, yet I can assure you that of all the people he knows, you are the most likely to get through to him and 'snap' him back to normal. _

_Finally, I would like to inform you that you have been chosen as Head Girl. This is an honor your professors and I feel you rightly deserve. Along with the private dormitory you will gain in Gryffindor Tower, you will also obtain a later curfew, your own choice in when you will patrol, and the password to my office. With the appointment, however, there comes great responsibility. I do not feel this will be an issue with you, of course, the Head Boy may need a few reminders during the school year. _

_I shall see you on September the First._

_Albus Dumbledore _

**Almost one year since this story was first posted! Wow!**

**Well, first off, sorry about how long this chapter took. Things just kept getting in the way. I also wanted to thank my wonderful beta, Kirsty, who is teaching me how to be British :) **

**Also, to Senta1000, the red letters were from the Ministry stating that muggleborns couldn't come back to Hogwarts the next year. I realize that was confusing, I'm sorry! To Publius, patience haha! I'll get to all that. I think things will make sense soon enough. I also wanted to give a special thank you to Loslote, ., Skyflight47, SeriouslySiriusBlack, ., and IllusiveButterfly. I think I'll take your advice and write a sequel once I'm done with seventh year.**

**Lastly, thanks so much to all of you who read, review, favorite, and put this story on alert. Every one of those truly makes my day—you just have no idea! **


	24. Officially Official

Chapter Twenty-four- Officially Official

Deftly, without even making the slightest of sounds, Lily ducked behind the counter as the three very familiar—and not at all welcome—faces appeared in the doorway of the Leaky Cauldron. Tom gave her a funny look from where he stood, but he couldn't have cared too much because he turned away without even commenting on why she was hiding behind his counter. Instead, he carried on chatting away with a customer as he wiped glasses dry.

"I'm telling you," said the shortest of the three boys, "this isn't a good idea. If he knew we were coming here…" he trailed off, giving the other boys a significant look. It must have been an argument that he had made often because the tallest of the three rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Peter. If you're so scared, go home." Lily stepped even closer to Tom, making sure that not even her head could be seen. The innkeeper paid her no attention.

"Maybe Peter's right. James hasn't even told _us_ what's wrong. Why would she even know? And if James found out we hassled her for information—"

"Which is why he won't find out!" Sirius interrupted, slamming his hand down on the counter as they walked by. Lily pressed herself against the wood and held her breath, terrified of the moment one of them just shifted slightly and spotted her, despite her stellar hiding skills. "Look, James trusts Lily. She's our best chance of figuring out what's happened."

"I overheard Marlene telling Mr. Potter that James is ignoring Lily. Apparently, Lily's really hurt by it, too," Remus said reasonably. Lily felt her fists clench, but she dared not move. Yes, it was true that James hadn't spoken to her since the wedding, and yes, it was true that the one time she saw him by chance in Diagon Alley, he had merely looked at her impassively before walking on, but it didn't mean Marlene had the right to go around telling others what Lily told her. And Remus should have known better and kept the information he got from _eavesdropping_ to himself!

"James is ignoring everyone, you nitwit," Sirius said plainly, and Lily could almost see him rolling his eyes. "C'mon, Lily will probably be at her flat." She heard footsteps and then a slight scuffle in which she assumed Sirius had hit Peter as the shortest boy had let out a loud 'ow!'

"You can't hit me just because I think this is a bad idea," Peter said angrily. When she didn't hear a response, Lily sighed, glad that they had finally gone through the brick wall. She gave Tom a bright smile before she ducked out of her hiding spot—only to hit someone in the back.

"Oh, I'm so sor—damn," she muttered, noticing who it was for the first time. Sirius grinned down at her, his dark eyes glinting with satisfaction.

"We saw red hair sticking out from behind the counter," Remus supplied from behind Sirius, shrugging slightly. Lily swore again, and Sirius just let out a bark of laughter.

"Yeah, that, and Tom signaled us," he said with another booming laugh. Lily turned to the man in question, and saw him give her a slightly apologetic look and a toothless smile. She merely groaned.

"Alright, so you found me. What d'you want?"

"Testy, aren't we, Wit?" Sirius said, and Lily kicked him in the shins. "All right! Sorry, sorry. We just wanted to talk about James."

"Well, too bad. I don't know anything at all. He hasn't said anything to me since the wedding." She tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice, but she knew she hadn't succeeded when Remus gave her a pitying look and Sirius frowned.

At first, Lily assumed she had done something wrong, that James's new behavior was _her_ fault. But when Marlene told her that James had been alienating everyone—"Dumbledore had a talk with James a few days ago. Apparently, James will 'get better when he has sorted out personal issues' which, really, is a load of bullocks."—Lily had decided to let the whole thing go and concentrate instead on creating patrolling schedules for the Prefects.

Of course, that had only taken her mind off of James's new behavior for a few days before she was back to worrying.

Now, after two weeks of James's silence, Lily merely had given up. She would read her school texts—and a few extra she had bought for fun—and then would reread Dumbledore's letter for the umpteenth time before reading the _Daily Prophet_ article that stated in bold letters that muggleborns were allowed back at Hogwarts. She had realized that focusing on things she had managed to accomplish took her mind off of something she still somewhat felt at fault for.

Sirius and the others, however, hadn't been so lenient as she had in giving James space. They constantly dogged him, asked him what was wrong, and tried to force him to talk. None of them seemed to realize they were doing nothing to help, but were making it worse. She had tried explaining to them once that they needed to leave James alone, but since then, Sirius had gotten it into his head that she knew what was wrong and she wasn't telling them. Only Remus seemed to have actually thought about what she said and agreed with her. She was tired of telling them she didn't know what was wrong.

Which was why she had been hiding from the three boys in the first place.

"Look, we get it, he trusts his girlfriend more than us. We're not upset about that—" Sirius was saying before Lily put her hand over his mouth.

"One, who is this girlfriend you're talking about?" she said with a raised eyebrow. "And two, James has told me _nothing_! Get that through your thick skull, Sirius."

"_You're_ James's girlfriend, of course!" Peter said, giving her a frown. Lily laughed, perhaps a _bit_ hysterically.

"You can't date someone who doesn't even look at you," Lily said, finding herself feeling that emptiness she had seen in James's eyes the day of Petunia's wedding. Remus gave her another one of his pitying looks, and Lily realized she had quite enough of that. She glared at the three boys and clenched her fists. "I'm _fine_," she said harshly. "You don't have to look at me like I'm about to fall apart."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Please, Lily. It's _already_ happened." Lily's fists unclenched, and the emptiness floated away to be replaced by a dull ache.

For the first time, she entertained the notion that she had truly done nothing, and _James_ was in the wrong for shutting everyone out.

"No, no, I'm fine," she said weakly, trying and failing miserably to give Sirius a stern look. The dark-eyed boy raised his eyebrow once more before leaning close to her so that his face was only an inch away from hers.

"You forget, James is my family. I feel exactly what you do," he said softly. His eyes searched hers for a moment before he leaned away and gave her a sardonic look. "How you got Head Girl, I'll never know. You're pretty slow."

"What do you want, Sirius?" Lily asked. "I already told you he hasn't told me anything."

"I get that. But we've had enough of waiting for James to come around," he said, looking at Peter and Remus. Lily resisted the urge to snort—they hadn't waited at all. "We want you to help us. We get back to Hogwarts in two days. By then, we need to know what happened to James." Lily frowned, turned to Remus, and sighed in acceptance.

"Fine. What's your plan?" The three boys grinned simultaneously.

XXX

_Don't think_.

He placed another one of the couch's cushions on top of the already giant tower of cushions, briefly wondering why they all didn't come tumbling down. It gently swayed for a moment before it became still again, a sign for James to reach for yet another cushion and make the tower even higher, wondering if he was just making it worse…

_Thinking would just make it worse._

He opened his trunk and looked at its contents critically. Tapping his chin thoughtfully, he wondered if he honestly would need more than three sets of robes…He was _Head Boy_, though. Perhaps he would be better prepared if he took four. Certainly didn't want to make a bad impression…

_Thinking is bad_.

The crossword in the paper was incredibly difficult. _Spiders' worst fear_…he didn't know. He hadn't been aware that spiders could even be afraid of anything. That just didn't make sense. Peter was deathly afraid of spiders…he would never come near the area where the acromantulas lived, since he was afraid they'd hurt him…

_It would just hurt to think_.

He thought about the birthday present Lily had given him—that sweet and yet completely mind-blowing kiss—and he began to jot down ideas as to how to get her to do it again. All he could seem to think of was to just ask her out…

_Don't think_.

"James! James, get out of your room. You've been in here far too long, even your friends are worried," he heard his father say from outside his door. James looked up from his 'How to Get Lily to Kiss Me' list—which still only had one idea—and frowned.

"They're not worried," he answered simply, not caring how flat his voice sounded, not at all like his real voice. "I'm sure they're not."

_Thinking would make it real_.

"Two days until I'm back at Hogwarts," he muttered under his breath, fingering the badge and the letter that had come along with it. "Two days. Just two." He closed his eyes, and a single tear—despite how hard he had been trying to keep it from falling—rolled down his cheek.

_I don't want to fall._

XXX

When she heard the knock at her door, she had instantly come up with several ideas as to who it could be. Marlene had gone out, and she may have forgotten her keys, as she did several times already that week; Mary, whom Lily had only seen once the entire summer, had expressed her desire to spend the night; and even Sirius who had been sending her increasingly depressing letters every few hours on how he felt about James's new behavior—something Lily found she was incredibly uncomfortable with reading—was a good guess.

However, when she opened her door, she most certainly had not been expecting James.

"Uh, hello," she said after several moments of standing there, just staring at him. James swayed slightly where he stood, making Lily wonder if he had been drinking. His eyes seemed alert, and he didn't smell of alcohol…

"I probably shouldn't have come here, but I—I didn't know where else to go," he said lamely, running his fingers through his hair before shoving his glasses back to its spot rather forcefully.

"Uh, okay?" Lily moved aside so he could enter, but James just continued to stand and stare.

"I Splinched myself," he said quietly, holding up his hand. There seemed to be a deep gash on his palm, but Lily wasn't sure because it had been wrapped—and poorly—with a dirty looking cloth.

"James, we have to clean that," she said, reaching out. When James flinched at her touch, she pulled away and crossed her arms at her chest, feeling quite hurt at his reaction. "If you don't my help, and you don't want to come in, why are you here?"

"I didn't know where else to go," he said simply, as if speaking to someone who was incredibly stupid.

"Oh, I see, you only come to me as a last resort, is that it?" she snapped. In all honesty, she wasn't angry at James. If anything, she felt nothing but pity and sorrow. But it was easier to deal with anger than with sorrow—anger was normal, she _knew_ anger.

"Last resort? I don't know. I suppose."

"James, how about you just—" Lily stopped and blinked. Was it just her imagination, or was there an actual _tear_ rolling down James Potter's cheek? In all her years of being as rude as she could be to James, in all the time she had known him, he had never once cried. In fact, Sirius liked to joke that only James was a true Marauder because he was the only one who was man enough to never cry. "James?"

Perhaps it was the change in her tone, from exasperated and angry to concerned and worried, or maybe it was because James just didn't want to hold it in anymore, but the moment she said his name, he stumbled forward like a child, tears in his eyes. And then, just as he had done for her so many times before, Lily held him in her arms as he sobbed.

"I know how you felt. I know how you feel," he said, his voice muffled slightly by her shirt.

"What are you talking about?" James didn't answer. Instead, he buried his face deeper into her neck.

Perhaps it was wrong of her—actually, she _knew_ it was wrong of her—but at that moment something occurred to her that somehow frightened her more than anything else, and elated her beyond anything she had ever experienced. She didn't know what had happened to James, and frankly, she was quite sure despite the fact he was crying in her arms, he had no intention of telling her anything, but she also knew that James just might need her as much as she needed him. Maybe it wasn't the best time for her to realize that, and maybe she was just incredibly lucky that James couldn't see that small smile that marred her face as she held him, but she didn't care. He needed her, and that was all that mattered.

"You'll tell me eventually, won't you?" she said softly, pulling away and giving him the gentlest of kisses on his forehead. James looked straight into her eyes, and he gave a shaky nod.

"I-I can tell you now, if you want," he said shakily. Lily shook her head immediately.

"There's no need," she told him quietly, finding that she meant it.

XXX

It was surprising to wake up to a home he was not intimately familiar with, and actually quite uncomfortable to sleep in a chair all night, but neither one of those seemed to matter even a little because he had woken up to Lily handing him a cup of tea and a plate of toast.

"I know this isn't what you're used to, but it's all I have," she said, a small blush appearing on her cheeks. James looked away for a moment, memories of crying into her neck the night before rushing back to him.

"It's perfect," he said, taking a large bite of the toast as if to prove he wasn't lying. Lily just smiled, sitting down across from him, causing James to want to look away once more.

It wasn't at all what she was wearing—a simple shirt and jeans—and it wasn't because she was looking at him oddly or treating him differently. It was just that he had never—_never_—acted the way he had acted the night before. He had never been so…_vulnerable. _What made him not want to look at her was because she had seen him at his worst, and apparently, didn't seem to care.

As if she could understand.

"Are you ready to go back to school?" she asked him conversationally. James's eyes shot back to her in shock, surprised she was speaking. He had preferred the awkward silence.

"I suppose so," he answered slowly, wondering why she didn't just tell him to leave, why she didn't laugh at him for being such a child, why she didn't tell him she had no time for weak people.

"I'm actually quite excited. Being Head Girl might actually be fun." She looked at him and smiled. "And I hear you're the Head Boy! Congratulations, James!"

"Who told you?"

"Dumbledore hinted at it. But I was almost—"

"What else as Dumbledore told you?" James snapped, interrupting her. Lily frowned, tilted her head to one side, and studied him closely.

"He told me he was proud of what I managed to do with Marlene and Will. He told me that he felt I deserved Head Girl. Let's see. He told me that I get a private dormitory in Gryffindor Tower—which is nice since I don't have to listen to Mary and Kate argue anymore—"

"That's it? That's all he's told you?"

"What did you expect him to tell me, James?" she said tiredly, her frown disappearing to be replaced by a weary look.

"Did he mention me?" James's hands shook. Dumbledore wouldn't have told her, would he? Lily gave him a hard look before she leaned forward.

"He didn't say anything I already didn't know." James's eyes widened. But she continued speaking as if there was nothing wrong at all. "Now that you're here, I was wondering if you could do something for me. I have a couple of boxes that need to be put away, and I need—"

"Would you stop acting normal!" James shouted, standing up. Lily blinked, then stood as well, taking his plate of toast and cup of tea. Without even saying a word, she just left, heading, he assumed, to the kitchen.

Though Lily had been living in the flat for most of the summer, James knew for a fact that she spent as little amount of time as she could there. He didn't know why she avoided her flat, but he did know that though Sirius had asked multiple times, she had never agreed to show them her new home. The only person who had ever spent any amount of time with Lily at the flat was Marlene—and now him.

"Lily," he said softly, following her into the kitchen, feeling incredibly guilty.

"Perhaps you should go home," she said, her back to him.

"I just—I don't know—" He stopped and looked at Lily carefully before taking a deep breath. "I don't want to look at you," he finally said, realizing only a second later that that wasn't the best of things to say. "That is, I'm embarrassed about the way I acted last night."

"Funny, I prefer the James of last night to this one," Lily said harshly, turning to look at him. Her eyes were overly bright—causing James to think she was holding back tears—but her back was straight, and her expression firm.

"Why would you? I was like a child! I was weak, and pathetic, and stupid, and—"

"And human?" she asked him, her expression softening somewhat.

"Human? That's nice way of putting it."

"I don't know why you're so upset about this, James," Lily said, shaking her head. James took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and then closed it. "I've cried in front of you several times."

"Yes, but you're different!" he said in frustration, running his fingers through his hair.

"Different? Why? Because I'm a girl? I didn't realize you thought that way." Lily crossed her arms over her chest and stared angrily at him. He just groaned internally, realizing he had gone from making her cry to making her infuriated in less than a minute.

"I don't think that way! I just—Look, I was always told that emotions were unnecessary. That it made you weak." Lily looked at him as if he had just hit her.

"So anything you feel for me makes you weak?"

"Yes! It does! Just a few weeks ago, when you were hurt after the Wizengamot session, you don't know how that felt! You don't realize what that did to me!"

"Oh, I suppose I'd better apologize for making you feel _something_! Is this why you've been acting so weird? Why you practically blew me off at Petunia's wedding?" It was James's turn to look like Lily had hit him. He stepped closer to her, ignoring the way his glasses slipped down his face.

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Of course I don't! Because _you_ feel as if I can't be trusted!"

"This has nothing to do with trust, Lily. If anything, you're the one with trust issues. Why not tell me about what you, Marlene, and Will were doing?"

"Because Dumbledore asked us to keep it quiet. It was Order business, I couldn't tell you." She leaned forward as well, and James couldn't help but notice their faces were merely an inch apart.

"Please, this isn't the first time you kept something from me. What about New Year?"

"You think I liked seeing you drunk?" she demanded.

"Why didn't you say something then?"

"Because I didn't want you to know that I could only think of your dad and what he did to my family every time I saw you!"

"So is that all I am to you, Charlus Potter?" James spat, glaring at her. Lily took several steps back, as if repulsed by him.

"Never more so than now," she said in a hard voice.

"I'm not my dad, Evans," he spat, suddenly unable to remember why he ever had developed feelings for her in the first place.

"Really? Then answer this, _Potter_: Who told you that emotions were unnecessary, that it made you weak?" He didn't answer, instead, he opted to continue glaring at her. "I may have trust issues, and I may have trouble opening up, but at least I see my feelings for you as a strength. Then again, as you said, I'm _different_."

"You're right. Maybe we're just too different," James said angrily. Lily looked at him for a moment before she let out a deep breath.

"Perhaps."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"I suppose so. What's the use of fighting for something if you don't seem to want it anymore?" His anger seemed to wash away at her words, to be replaced by dread and fear. She couldn't be serious. Of course he still wanted it! He opened his mouth to apologize, but he never got it out.

"What's with all the yelling?" a male voice asked from the kitchen's doorway. James turned to see a young man staring at the two of them with a confused expression on his face.

"Who's he?" James demanded. Lily looked from the young man to James with a calm expression on her face.

"James, meet Will. He and Marlene have been staying with me for the past week."

"Why the hell is he staying with you?" James said as quietly as he could.

"Well, technically, this flat is now his. He'll be living here while I go back to Hogwarts. And Marlene had a big fight with Sean. Apparently, he 'talks too much to people about things he shouldn't talk about.'" Will nodded and gave James a smile.

"It's great to finally meet you, James. I've heard so much about you."

"Oh, really?" James asked. "I don't know how much Marlene would know about me." Will laughed, but Lily narrowed her eyes.

"You know, Lily's said that she loves your sense of humor the most. I can sort of see why," Will said with another laugh. "In all honesty, I don't think she ever stops talking about you. Frankly, Marlene and I were planning an intervention."

"We're sorry if we woke you up, Will. James and I were just leaving," Lily said, stepping between James and Will. The comment momentarily threw James. He was so focused on why the hell Will Irwin was at Lily's flat that he had forgotten he and Lily were in the middle of an argument.

"Really?" he said before he could stop himself. Lily let out a small laugh before she took his hand and pulled him out of the kitchen.

"Yes, really."

Neither one of them spoke until they reached Florean Fortescue's, and Lily asked if he wanted ice cream. She then started a one sided conversation about how excited she was about certain classes, only pausing in her monologue when she had to swallow her ice cream. James nodded in the right places and acted as if he was listening, but he knew that Lily realized his mind was somewhere else.

Despite learning that Will was living with Lily, James was more concerned with her comment about him being very similar to his father. Yes, it was Charlus Potter's notion that showing emotion made you weak, but it wasn't really how James felt. Perhaps Lily was right and he considered himself above showing vulnerability because he was male, because he was supposed to be a rock, to always be strong and dependable. Maybe after years of being told that he had to be a man had turned him into a male chauvinist. Did he think he was stronger than Lily because he could hold back his emotions rather than let them show? When he said she was different, was he actually thinking about her gender than who she was?

James looked at Lily carefully, watching how her eyes lit up at certain topics, how animated she seemed as she spoke about the things she loved most. She _was_ different, but it had nothing to do with her being a girl. She was different because she didn't care what people thought of her. She was different because though it was difficult to open her up, once you did, she let her entire personality show without restraint. James smiled, and on impulse, he leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek, effectively shutting her up.

"Does this mean you're not angry anymore?" she asked, holding her hand up to where he had kissed her.

"Angry? Whatever gave you that idea?"

"The way you've been scowling at the floor for the past ten minutes. I said that I secretly love Peter three times and you didn't even notice."

"You secretly love Peter? And you've been stringing me along all this time?" James asked in mock horror, placing a hand over his heart. "Oh, the pain! Though really, _Peter_?"

"_James_," Lily groaned, and he found himself laughing for the first time in days.

"I'm not angry, Lily. Actually, I was thinking about what you said."

"About Will living at my flat? Because I thought that would make you angry," she said with a worried expression on her face. James suddenly realized why she had left the flat so quickly; despite the calm expression she had been donning, she had actually been afraid of his reaction to seeing Will. She cared about what he thought.

"Well, I'm not thrilled about Will, but I trust _you_, and even if he tries anything, I know you and Marlene would give him what he deserves. But that's not what I was thinking about." Lily raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"So, what _were_ you thinking about?"

"You. Us. And how I _don't _see what I feel as a weakness. I'm so sorry for everything I said."

"I am too," Lily said quickly. "I don't see you as your dad. Not at all. You're so much better than that."

"So, we're okay?" Lily's bright smile was answer enough, but he didn't complain when she also gave him a lingering kiss on the lips.

XXX

"Are the two of you officially dating?" Lily looked at Mary in surprise, nearly laughing when she saw the look on her friend's face. Alice had been talking animatedly about how she and Frank had spent nearly the entire summer together, and how she was almost positive he planned to propose, when Mary just shouted her question, her features twisted into something between curiosity and smugness.

"What?"

"You have this silly grin on your face. Either you're _too_ happy for Alice—which begs the question, do you want her to get married and leave us, is that your master plan?—or you're officially dating James. So which is it, Evans?" Lily schooled her face into a frown before she looked at Alice apologetically.

"I'm so sorry, Alice. Mary's caught me. All I've ever wanted was for you to get married so that you wouldn't be around anymore." Alice snorted before shaking her head.

"You're making jokes too. You know, Mary might have a point. What's made you so happy?"

"You two can't just be glad that I'm happy, can you? There always has to be an underlying reason. What if I just read a really good book?"

"It wasn't a naughty book, was it, Lil?" Mary laughed. Lily threw one of the empty Chocolate Frog boxes at her, scowling when she missed.

"The two of you are lucky I have to go talk to the Prefects. If not, I'd hurt you."

"Of course you would. By the way, Lily, if you see Kate, tell her that just because she's now the seventh year Gryffindor Prefect, it doesn't mean she can be smug."

"Or I could tell her you two said congratulations?" Alice nodded, but Mary snorted.

"Please. She's going to be insufferable. We need to make sure she realizes it's not a big deal from the get go."

"Mary, _you're_ the insufferable one. Don't worry, Lily. While you're at the meeting, I'll just regale Mary with even more stories of my lovely Frank!"

"No! No more, please, no more!" Mary said theatrically, laughing when Alice and Lily both rolled their eyes.

She was still chuckling lightly when she entered the Head compartment, and though she was dreading the meeting, she found herself to be in a better mood than she had been all summer. Then again, what was there to be upset about? After all, she was going back to Hogwarts, her friends were happy and safe, and despite getting into an enormous argument with James, they managed to quickly move past it.

In all honesty, that last one surprised Lily the most. After all, she and James were well-known for their arguments—and the fallouts. Wasn't it just the year before that she and James didn't talk for months because they disagreed on whether to trust Dumbledore or not? She liked to think that they both had matured since then, but she knew better; it had nothing to do with growing up, and everything to do with fear.

She wasn't quite sure what James was afraid of, but she was terrified of losing him. That and what the future held for the—

"Evans! You cheat! You backstabbing, evil, manipulating—"

"Now, Sirius," Remus interrupted calmly, "Lily's not _that_ bad. Give her time to explain herself."

"Explain myself?" Lily repeated dazedly, not appreciating her thoughts being interrupted in such a loud and boisterous manner. Couldn't they walk into the compartment like normal people? Why the slide the door open so roughly?

"James spent the night at _your_ flat. That was not a part of the plan. Not at all! What the hell were you thinking, Evans?" Sirius said angrily. Several students walking past the Head compartment stared at the three of them in shock before Lily had the presence of mind to slide the door shut, and close the curtains.

"I didn't ask him to come. James just showed up, what was I supposed to do, tell him to go away?"

"Yes!" Sirius yelled, just as Remus gave her a pat on the shoulder before giving her an understanding smile.

"Look, sure James is acting…odder than usual—"

"Er, odder than his oddness from before?" Lily asked with a wince. Remus winced right back at her.

"I'm sure it's just a phase. Maybe he realized he has to grow up to be Head Boy, or maybe he's just ill?" Lily didn't like the way Remus ended his statement as a question.

"A _phase_? I don't know who you two have been watching for the past few weeks, but this sure as hell isn't a phase. Something's happened and James is depressed—and arguing with him doesn't help at all, Evans!"

"What? James and I settled our fight. We're _fine_."

"It's not _fine_ if he's still moping about it!"

"What's he moping about? I was pretty sure we ended everything on a positive note," Lily said angrily, glaring at Sirius. The dark-haired boy opened his mouth to respond when Severus walked into the compartment, his arms crossed at his chest, and his lips twisted into a smirk.

"Squabbling like old housemaids, I see," he sneered, his eyes focusing on Sirius and then on Remus.

"Why don't you mind your own business, _Snivellus_?" Sirius shot back, his hand going to his pocket—obviously for his wand. Before Severus could respond, Lily stepped in between them, and she put her hands on Sirius's chest, pushing him back gently.

"Look, Sirius, I'm sorry for what I did. We'll discuss it extensively tonight. I promise you can call me whatever you want. Just, please, don't fight Snape. Please." Sirius's eyes, which had been firmly fixed on Snape during her entire speech, flickered down to her, and she relaxed when she saw them noticeably soften.

"I can call you anything?" he asked, the gleam of mischievousness she always attributed to him reappearing in his eyes.

"I think there are some lines you shouldn't cross, Padfoot," Remus said with a smile. Sirius nodded, gave Snape one last glare before sweeping out of the compartment rather theatrically, nearly making Lily laugh.

"How pathetic," Snape drawled, sitting down and leaning his head back. "I never knew you'd stoop so low, Lily."

"That's Evans to you, _Snape. _Only my friends can call me Lily," she snapped, noticing from the corner of her eye, that Remus had shifted slightly so that he was right next to her. Though unnecessary—and perhaps even a bit insulting—the gesture comforted her. It let her know that she wasn't alone.

Snape narrowed his eyes angrily and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get out a sound, the compartment door slid open for the third time.

"Sorry I'm late, Lil," James said as he bent over trying to rub something off his pants, "but there were these first years acting up because some third year thought it would be funny to scare them with powdered beetle—" He stopped talking and looked up for the first time, his eyes widening when he saw them. "Did something happen?"

"You just missed it, Potter," Snape said with a sneer.

"You can shut it," Lily snapped, but Snape didn't heed her warning.

"Are you sure you know _everything_ that goes on between your friends and your dear girlfriend, Potter? They seem to keep a lot from you—"

"You've already been told to shut it, Snape, you don't want us to actually force you quiet, do you?" Remus said angrily, possibly the first time Lily had ever seen him actually threaten someone. But instead of focusing on that, she turned to Snape, wondering what in the world he was doing. He was completely ignoring Remus's and her own presence in the compartment. Everything he said was directed at James, and oddly enough, James seemed to be utterly enamored with Snape's words.

"Then again, Lily is quite a secretive person. Told me for years that she thought very lowly of you, but the moment we weren't getting along, you were dear to her."

"Are you implying something?" Remus hissed, his eyes flashing. He seemed to take the insult personally, as if it had been directed at him. Lily placed a hand on his shoulder, and she glared at Snape.

"Five points from Slytherin," Lily said as calmly as she could. Snape opened his mouth as if to retort, but Lily had had enough. "If you keep talking, I'll make it fifty." Remus's shoulders seemed to relax and James finally looked away from Snape. Instead, he focused on Lily's hand, which was still resting on Remus's shoulder. For a moment she thought she saw a flash of anger in his eyes, but it was gone before she could be sure. She took a deep breath, reminding herself that when he found out about Will living with her he had been utterly rational. He wouldn't rise to Snape's obvious bait. James was too smart for that.

"That's an abuse of power, Lily. You can't take off points because you don't like what someone is saying," James said calmly, finally looking into her eyes. She was shocked to see that any improvement from yesterday was gone. He was as cold and empty as ever.

"Actually, James, she—" Remus began, but Lily elbowed him hard in the ribs to shut him up.

"Fine. Snape can have his points back." She turned to Snape and gave him the coldest look she could muster. In all honesty, she was quite surprised to see that he seemed upset by the look she gave him. "I don't know what you're playing at," she hissed, leaning closer to him, "but it stops now. You're not a part of my life anymore. Don't you _dare_ interfere with it."

"Scared Potter might not trust you?" he whispered, something a lot like triumph glinting in his eyes.

"There isn't a doubt in my mind he trusts me," she said, clenching her fists when Snape merely smirked.

"You were never a very good liar." Lily's eyes widened in shock, not from the words themselves, but who had said them.

Behind her, James stood with his arms crossed at his chest, his normally bright and vivacious eyes darkened by cold fury. And yet, despite all that, had she not seen his lips move and heard his voice so clearly, she would not have believed that it was James who had spoken. It seemed Sirius had been right.

She and James most certainly were not fine.

XXX

"So you're not even going to speak with me?" Lily yelled from behind him. She was running to keep up with him, something he found slightly humorous, though he made sure she couldn't see that. "I don't know what I even _did_, James!" she shouted, the sound of her footsteps stopping quite suddenly. James walked a little further before he too stopped.

He hadn't spoken to her at all throughout the entire Prefect meeting, so he knew that he should have expected this, yet, for some reason all he felt was an intense desire to shrug her off and ignore her. He turned around slowly, crossing his arms at his chest, before leaning against one of the compartment doors, dearly hoping the train wouldn't lurch so his suave position would not be compromised.

"You didn't do anything, Lily," he said softly, not looking her in the eye. That was very true. If anything he was only infuriated with his friends, and of course, himself. It was his fault Lily had lied to Snape. He was the one that pushed her to do that. He hadn't told her about what he was thinking in weeks, and yet she still stood up for him. That truth both made him want to grimace and whoop with joy. Hell, had she been treating him anywhere near the way he was treating her, he would have long since come up with a thousand ways to force her to talk to him.

But Lily was patient.

And that irritated him to no end.

"Oh yes, of course not. That's why you take Snape's side, ignore me throughout the meeting, and won't even bother looking at me." Perhaps it was her tone—that temper he remembered from their earlier school years—or maybe it was the way she was tapping her foot, but James finally looked up at her.

Lily was indeed quite furious.

Then again, there was also this glint in her eyes, a playful look that James didn't think he had ever seen.

"Have you considered I just don't want to talk?" James asked her, nearly grinning when Lily rolled her eyes as she often did in fourth year when speaking with him.

"Please, you've had time to wallow. I gave you space, I let you take your time. But guess what, Potter? Time's up."

"So I'm Potter now?"

"When you're being an idiot, yes, you're most definitely 'Potter,'" Lily said, leaning on another compartment door, mocking his stance, and then looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Idiot? At least I don't think I'm so utterly perfect that I should always know what's going on, _Evans_," James shot back, watching with satisfaction as Lily's lips twitched as if she was about to smile.

"Really? That's the best you can come up with? I knew you were incredibly dull, Potter, but I had assumed you had enough brains to come up with something a little more clever." James couldn't help it; he cracked a smile.

"And you would know all about cleverness, wouldn't you?" Lily took a step closer to him, her lips twitching once more.

"I'm very clever, thanks."

"Of course you are." He looked at her seriously for a moment before sighing. "You could just ask." Lily's head tilted to the side as she studied him.

"I don't think I will," she said slowly. "Sirius and the others may not agree, but forcing you to tell us won't help you."

"When they try to force it out of me, it's irritating. But, Lily, when you don't even ask, I feel like you just don't care." He blinked in shock. He had definitely not meant to say that. Yes, it had been on his mind all morning, and it was probably why he had actually defended _Snivellus_, but he hadn't thought it mattered so much to him.

It bothered him that Lily didn't ask him to tell her what was wrong.

"James, I have asked you," she said slowly, as if utterly confused. James ran his fingers through his hair.

"No, you just asked, you didn't ask me, ask me." Lily blinked.

"Sorry?"

"You didn't ask to actually find out what was wrong. You know, it's like when you ask someone how they've been. You don't actually care about how they've been, but you ask anyway."

"You think I was insincere?"

"Ye—no. You were not insincere. Not at all."

"You said 'yes' first! You can't change your answer!"

"Well, you shouldn't look at me like I've killed your cat then, should you?"

"I don't even have a cat, James."

"Then you're quite the actress."

"Do you really think I don't care?"

"I mean, honestly, that look? It was as if you were staring down at your cat right at that moment. Brilliant, really."

"James, you can't avoid answering me."

"Actually, I'm excellent at avoiding questions. Just ask Professor McGonagall."

"I'm not McGonagall. You have to answer me."

"I know you're not McGonagall. You think I'd fancy you if you were McGonagall?"

"Now you're just being rude. Answer the question, James."

"I forgot what it was. Sorry."

"You're insufferable!"

"You have a large vocabulary!"

"Answer the question, James!"

"No!"

"No, you won't answer, or no, you don't think I'm insincere?"

"Both?"

"James!"

"Lily!"

"Could you both just shut it!" James turned around and saw that Mary was standing behind him, scowling. "The two Heads, squabbling like children. Disgraceful."

"You're one to talk, Mary—" Lily began hotly, but Mary shushed her. She practically stalked over so that she was standing right between them.

"Now, we can solve this in two ways." James looked at Lily who was rolling her eyes and mouthing something. "My way, or the hard way." James blinked as he realized Lily was mouthing what Mary had just said, word for word. He grinned at her and gave her a thumbs up from behind Mary's back. Lily just blushed and looked away. "Now, you can either go back into the Head compartment and settle whatever is going on, or I'll go around the school and tell everyone that the two of you are no longer together."

"People thought we were together?" Lily asked, blinking in surprise. Mary merely rolled her eyes.

"Yes. Since at least the end of fifth year. Oh, and James? I hear Jonathan and Corinne have broken up, and he has an eye on Lily over here."

"That little bastard!" James said just as Lily wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Well, sort it out, or that little bastard will ask Lily out."

"Well, Lily sure as hell won't be saying yes," Lily muttered, glaring at Mary. Of course, James wasn't listening. He grabbed Lily by the arm and led her back to the Head compartment.

"We're sorting this out," he said as he slid the door open roughly. It didn't help at all when Lily entered the compartment, giggling like a five-year-old.

"Jealous James makes a return!" she said, laughing even harder. "He manages to keep his cool when learning that Will lives with me, but even the thought of Jonathan asking me out sends him into a wild rage."

"I'm so glad you find this funny," James said, watching her sit down before sliding the compartment door shut. "Besides, I was under the impression that the living thing with Will would not continue." Lily chuckled as she nodded.

"Oh, it won't. He'll leave once he starts receiving regular pay again." She looked up at James, and she must have noticed his expression, because she stopped laughing. "I'm sorry. I won't laugh at you again. I didn't realize it would upset you."

"I'm not upset!" James said, his voice a little higher than what was normal.

"Would you like a hug, James?" Lily asked kindly, ruining the effect by letting out another chuckle.

"What?" James demanded.

"It's just—I mean, come on, you look like I just killed your cat," Lily said, holding her sides as she laughed. James sat down across from her before he even bothered to respond.

"My cat's too smart for you. He'd stay away from you like you were the damn plague." If he thought the comment might make her stop laughing, he was utterly wrong. He was actually slightly afraid Lily might suffocate.

He had _never_ seen her laugh this much.

"You know I care, don't you?" Lily suddenly asked. James was so shocked that she had stopped laughing, that he actually answered.

"Of course I do." He frowned. "Nice one, Evans," he complimented. Lily grinned happily before standing up and taking the seat right next to his. She pressed her shoulder against his, and then rested her head in the crook of his neck. "Comfortable, are we?"

"Oh, yes. Very much, thanks."

"Excellent." He looked at her, frowning when he saw the look on her face. "What is it?"

"Sirius thinks we're dating, too." James sighed.

"Is this a good thing or a bad thing?"

"What do you think?" Again, James looked at her to make sure he wasn't reading her incorrectly. Her voice was merely curious, but there was a crease on her forehead that was a telltale sign that she was actually upset.

"Honestly?" he asked her, waiting for her impatient nod before continuing. "It's a good thing." Unless he was utterly out of his mind, the sigh that Lily let out at his words was one of relief.

"Yes, I think so, too." Her voice was soft, and James could see that her entire face had turned a deep red. He chuckled.

"Wonderful. I just never know with you."

"What d'you mean?"

"Well, when you tell a bloke you love him, and then you say you can't be with him, he gets suspicious of any declarations of feelings."

"That's not very fair, James. At least I told you exactly what was going on."

"And what? I don't?"

"Well, no," Lily said slowly. James looked down and saw that her fingers were fidgeting nervously. He took them both in his own much larger hands, and let out a sigh.

"You were right before," he said softly. "I do need time."

"All right. That's perfectly understandable—" Lily began.

"But I'm going to tell you anyway," James finished, ignoring her words completely. He opened his mouth to start speaking when he was cut off by Lily leaning up and kissing him on the cheek.

"When I was seven—before I met Severus, before I knew about Hogwarts—I accidently hurt a boy with my magic because he had been teasing me and I had had enough." James opened his mouth, but Lily placed her hand over it, and shook her head. "My telling you this, despite it being something that always bothered me, doesn't change anything. That boy doesn't feel better, I don't feel better, and the relationship between you and me doesn't change. Whatever happened to you, however horrible it is, it's not going to go away just because you told me about it."

"Sirius says I'm different now," James said, looking at her straight into the eyes, almost mesmerized by the green.

"So? Sirius is an idiot." She paused and looked at him carefully, those green eyes full of an emotion he couldn't quite place "I think talking about something is always better than holding it in. But James, I don't want you to feel that you have to tell me. I'm not going to hold it against you."

"So, you want me to do what? Hold it in until I can't anymore?"

"Hold it in until talking about it feels right. There are some things that we have to figure out on our own before we can talk to others about it." She looked away, and it was in that moment that James realized Lily _knew_. He didn't know how long she had known, he didn't know how she had found out, but she _knew. _She knew, and she was sitting next to him, trying in her own odd little way, to tell him that she would be there for him when he needed her.

"How do you know?" he asked hoarsely. Lily looked at him sadly.

"I didn't want to talk to anyone either," she answered, visibly swallowing. "It's the look in your eyes. I had that too."

"Dumbledore and my dad gave you hints, didn't they?"

"Small ones. Nothing too concrete. I think they were both hoping I knew you too well."

"Obviously you do."

"Not well enough. It took me this long to figure it out."

"So what? You thought acting as if everything was normal would help me?"

"It did, didn't it?" James looked away before giving her a broken smile.

"She's not dead. But she's very ill. Has been for almost a year." He gave Lily a pained look, unable to prevent his eyes from watering. "And I _didn't even know_." His fists clenched, and they shook uncontrollably until Lily took his hands and held them tightly—just as he had done to her moments before. The gesture, though so simple—so normal—just minutes ago, suddenly seemed incredibly intimate and loving. Despite everything else that was going on—Voldemort, _her_ illness, and his father's secrets—James felt at peace.

"I'm so sorry, James," she said softly, and there wasn't a doubt in his mind that Lily was completely sincere. He pulled her into a hug, unaware that the curtains had not been shut, unaware that a boy with greasy hair and a hooked nose was staring straight into the Head compartment with wide eyes, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Unaware that behind that greasy haired boy, a seventh year Gryffindor girl was looking on with disgust.

XXX

Albus sighed as he watched Charlus pace in his office. He was sure if it continued, the man would actually wear a hole into his carpet.

He was rather fond of his carpet.

"He's angry at me!" Charlus said furiously. "Angry!"

"What did you expect? He would be grateful that you hid Dorea's illness for so long? I told you months ago that you needed to tell him."

"What was he doing, anyway? He was told to stay away from her room, that she was working on sensitive Order work. Why can't he just _listen_?"

"Charlus, perhaps rather than focusing on how angry you are at James, you should instead wonder how he must feel after discovering his mother's illness, purely on mere chance."

"How he feels?" Charlus spat, his face contorted into a grimace. The scars from the Death Eater attack made him suddenly look quite ferocious. "I don't give a _damn_ about how he _feels_. Dorea didn't want him to know! That's all that matters!" Albus sighed, shaking his head in disappointment with his old friend.

"Dorea came to terms with it."

"Well, Dorea's a bloody martyr then," Charlus said sarcastically. "He didn't talk to _anyone_ for weeks!"

"He was afraid, worried. Surely you cannot fault him for that," Albus said, pressing the tips of his fingers together as he studied Charlus closely.

"I _can_! He's going to lose his mother, and he was damn close to losing his father. James needs to grow up! He needs to realize that he can't shut everyone out just because he's sad!"

"I see."

"Do you, Albus? Why can't he learn from Miss Evans, eh? That girl has backbone!" Charlus ran both hands through his hair so roughly that Albus was sure that he was going to pull it all out.

"Lily couldn't cast a Patronus for months. She may have looked fine, but she was no better than James." Charlus snorted in disagreement before he slumped in the chair in front of Albus's desk, looking as if he had just aged twenty years.

"I worry about them, Albus. They rule their minds with their hearts. You don't realize how simple it will be for Voldemort to break them." Albus stood and shook his head.

"I disagree, Charlus. Their hearts are their greatest strength."

"But Albus—"

"Do not misunderstand me. They will suffer. They will suffer just as all people suffer. As any student that walks through these corridors will suffer." Charlus groaned and shook his head.

"James told Dorea that he loves Miss Evans. Dorea wants to meet her now. She says she can't die peacefully until she meets the young woman that managed to steal her son's heart." Charlus laughed bitterly. "She's even been getting out of bed recently. Says she wants to look healthy for the 'wonderful Lily Evans.'"

"Love is the most power—"

"Yes, yes, I know. Love is powerful. Even stronger than Voldemort himself. I've heard you say all this before," Charlus interrupted rudely, waving his hand.

"Do you disagree?" Albus asked with an amused smile. "Does it bother you that James cares for Lily so deeply?"

"No, no, of course not! It's wonderful that James will have what I have with Dorea, but I—I just—" He groaned once more before leaning his head back.

"You worry." Albus nodded in understanding before giving Charlus a pointed look. "I have faith in them both. I watched as James helped Lily heal. Now you can watch as she does the same for him."

"Bloody love. Neither of them realizes all they're getting themselves into is pain."

"I dearly hope you've never said that to Dorea, Charlus," Albus said with a chuckle. The other man looked at him, and he cracked a small grin.

"I don't have a death wish," he said softly. Albus smiled before checking his watch. The students would be arriving at any moment. He walked towards his door, but before he left, he turned around and gave Charlus a searching look.

"You and I need to have a serious discussion on knitting patterns soon, old friend. I'm afraid that, recently, whenever we see each other, we only discuss you." Charlus let out his first real laugh and he turned in his seat to look at Albus.

"Calling me selfish, are you?"

"Perhaps. Do read up on it, will you? We can't have an interesting conversation if you are abysmally uninformed." He left as Charlus let out another laugh, causing him to smile just a bit.

It was good to see Charlus like this again, he thought as he walked down the steps, heading for the kitchens to see if he could have a cup of hot chocolate before the feast. For far too long, the man had been burdened by things he had no reason to shoulder. While it was true that Charlus Potter had made a great many mistakes throughout his lifetime, it was also good to see that he had finally managed to somewhat forgive himself. It was why he was so full of indignation at his son and wife, rather than the normal worry and fear.

Albus wondered briefly if he should be taking lessons from his old friend.

XXX

Intelligent. Kind. Funny, and even a bit charming.

He had heard Lily Evans be described by others hundreds of times. They all mentioned her wit and her eyes. They all agreed on how open-hearted she was. Very few had anything bad to say about Lily Evans.

It was because she never showed her bad side, he thought with a scowl, watching her carefully as she talked with James. They were sitting side by side, their eyes never leaving the other's, their forks continually missing their mouths. He scowled again.

Ha! No one ever mentioned her manipulative, evil, awfulness! Sirius stabbed his piece of chicken with more force than necessary before he shoved a great chunk of it into his mouth, nearly choking until Remus had the sense to help him.

"Killing yourself won't get her to tell you anything," the stupid werewolf said as he banged Sirius unnecessarily on the back.

"She's a liar," Sirius muttered. "'Oh, I _don't_ know what going on!'" he said in a loud, high voice, trying to sound like Lily. In his heart of hearts, he knew she sounded nothing like that, but it amused him to see her eyes flash towards him for a moment and darken with annoyance before she turned back to James.

"You know, I think you're angrier that she's so loyal to James, and that impresses you—and threatens you—than that she won't say what happened," Remus said as he piled some potatoes on his plate. Sirius stopped glaring at Lily for a moment so that he could glare at Remus instead.

"James won't replace his best mate with a girl, Moony. C'mon. She's just a girl."

"A girl you trusted over James last year," Remus pointed out, laughing slightly.

"Regulus was different—don't—shut up, Remus!" Peter looked at the two and he chuckled before giving Sirius a very serious look.

"Maybe Lily was right. She gave him his space, and now he talks to her. Maybe if we did the same, he'd talk to us." Remus nodded in agreement, but Sirius just groaned, tired of having this conversation so many times.

"Have you two forgotten the entire Code? Have you forgotten the sacred rule that Marauders never keep secrets from one another?" He crossed his arms and puffed out his chest, looking at Remus and Peter importantly. Until—

"You made that one up." Sirius leaned towards Remus and grabbed him by the front of his robes, shaking him madly.

"You. Know. Nothing!" Unfortunately, Remus just laughed, and Peter—after seemingly having to think for a bit—joined in. It was then that the evil manipulator herself left her seat next to James to sit across from him.

"Stop harassing Remus, and give me your worst," she said without preamble. Sirius slowly let go of Remus's robes before turning to the Manipulator and giving her an ugly look.

"We don't want you here," he told her with a smirk.

"Speak for yourself, Padfoot," Remus said as he rubbed his neck. "I want Lily here. There's less chance of bodily harm." Sirius ignored his stupid friend, however, and continued to glare at Lily.

"You're not going to tell me, are you?" he said wearily. Lily shook her head slowly. "Then you might as well go back to your boyfriend." Lily blushed deeply at his words, something that piqued his curiosity, but before he could pry, she began to speak.

"You know, Sirius, rather than insulting me, you should thank me."

"Oh, and why would I do that, Wit?" Lily raised an eyebrow at the nickname, but she answered the question anyway.

"Because of me, James has decided to tell you three what's happened."

"You're forcing him to talk?" Remus asked in shock. Lily shook her head.

"No, I just reminded him that you three are worried. Now, if you're done calling me names, Sirius, I have to go find Kate. She said she wanted to talk to me." Sirius barely noticed the confused expression on Lily's face as she said that, but he did notice she seemed reluctant to go.

"You can't leave in the middle of the feast," he said. "Talk to her later tonight." Lily bit her lip, but she nodded before she got up and returned to her previous seat next to James. Sirius watched her laugh and talk for a few seconds before realizing that James wasn't the only one hiding something. There seemed to be some trouble brewing between Miss Evans and her friend Miss Knight.

Sirius grinning happily, glad that Hogwarts always had some sort of drama to keep him occupied.

**Hello all! I'd just like to express my astonishment that this story has reached over 200,000 words! It's actually really exciting, mainly because I'm a huge nerd.**

**I'd like to thank my wonderful beta for this chapter's edit. Thank you for catching stuff I never would! Also, to my friend who I am forcing to read this story: Congratulations! You finally made it to chapter 24! **

**Finally, to all of you who read, review, and etc, you guys rock! **

**Also, the next chapter may take a great deal longer than normal. I'll be busy with some medical issues, but I'll be back soon enough. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter!**


	25. Numbing the Pain

Chapter Twenty-Five- Numbing the Pain

She nervously pulled tighter on her hood, suddenly unsure about what exactly she was doing. A part of her reasoned that these people she was now collaborating with were horrible, that they did nothing but hurt others, but a much more prevalent part of her kept thinking about what she had seen on the train. The image of Lily holding James in her arms in the Head compartment had burned into her skull. More than anything it proved how much of a liar Lily Evans was.

And quite frankly, she was tired of the lies.

She tightened her grip on her cloak and leaned against the grimy dungeon wall, trying hard not to breathe in too deeply in order avoid the smell of what she was almost positive was blood. Kate shivered slightly, her thoughts returning to whether or not she was doing the right thing.

"I don't think we can trust her, Severus," a voice whispered not too far away from where she stood. Kate pressed herself even closer to the wall, almost as if she hoped she could just fall through it.

"It isn't my choice, now is it?" Snape hissed back. "This is Evan's idea. Are _you_ willing to tell him we didn't do as he asked?"

"He's not even at Hogwarts anymore. What's the worse he can do?" the other voice answered a bit petulantly. Snape let out a laugh.

"Haven't you heard? The Dark Lord allows Rosier do all the _interrogations_." Kate's eyes widened, realizing that the word 'interrogations' actually meant 'torture.' She shifted to the right, fear and, for the first time in ages, logic making her realize that she needed to get away.

"And there she is. Chickening out, are we?" Severus said as he stepped closer, giving Kate a clear look at him. He wasn't wearing his robes, and his shirtsleeves had been rolled up to his elbows giving Kate a wonderful view of his left forearm. There, held up as if a prize, was the Dark Mark.

"Severus loves to show off." Kate watched as the stranger stepped up as well, utterly surprised to see that it was Regulus Black who had accompanied Snape. She blinked and tried to look at Snape, but her eyes seemed to be glued to the tattoo on his arm. "I don't think she wants to do this anymore," Black chuckled. Snape rolled his eyes.

"Oh, but she has no choice. Isn't that right, Knight?" Kate stared straight at the Dark Mark and then slowly looked up, straight into the eyes of Snape.

"I know what I'm supposed to do. I just want to make sure I get what was promised." Snape crossed his arms at his chest and his lips curled into a sneer.

"Oh, believe me, Knight, the Dark Lord _always_ delivers." He held out his hand, and for a brief moment Kate could almost see Lily's disapproving look, but logic and fear weren't enough to dissuade her anymore. Slowly, she grasped Snape's hand.

Much later that night, as she lay wide awake in bed—staring at the ceiling with a dead gaze and listening to the snores of her two other dorm mates—her thoughts were only on what she was supposed to do and how on earth everything had led to this.

XXX

"Why didn't he tell you sooner?" Sirius asked, his voice oddly solemn, and his eyes focused on something beyond the window. James ran his fingers through his hair and adjusted his glasses before he answered.

"I don't know. He said she didn't want me to know." James turned to look at Remus to see his reaction to the news, but the brown-haired boy was looking down at his shoes. Even Peter was looking anywhere but at James.

The whole thing was infuriating.

"We're so sorry, James," Remus said softly as he finally looked up. "We badgered you so much and didn't even think that something so horrible could have happened." There was a determined look in Remus's eyes as he spoke, as if he had just decided something very important, but James had no time to ponder what it meant. Peter rushed forward and wrapped his arms around James's waist, hugging him tightly.

"You know I'm here for you, right, James? You're like my brother. I love you, mate," he gushed, his hold on James tightening even more. For a moment, James was completely frozen, with no idea how to deal with the current situation. He couldn't push Peter away because it would be horrible of him, and yet he certainly didn't want the boy to keep holding on to him either because it was—quite frankly—odd and very uncomfortable. Not at all like what it felt when Lily wrapped her arms around his waist…

"Let him breathe, Wormtail," Sirius said, saving James. By the way Sirius was grinning, though, James was sure that it would eventually cost him. The moment Peter released him, James let out a sigh of relief—he was quite sure the boy was about to start kissing him on the cheeks as well—and tried to look as if he was completely fine. As if he hadn't just told his best friends him mother was dying, and as if one of those friends hadn't just tried to cut off circulation to his legs. But by the way Remus and Sirius stared at him, he knew he wasn't fooling anyone.

"It's all going to be fine, James. You know that, right?" Though Remus's voice was reassuring, it didn't help at all. While he was grateful for his friends and the way they stood by him, it didn't change anything. It didn't make his mother better, it didn't make his father stop lying to him, and it certainly didn't take away all the pain.

"Why doesn't she go to St. Mungo's? There's bound to be something to help her there!" Sirius added, his eyes brightening slightly. James shook his head.

"There's nothing the Healers can do. Mum's too old. Anything they _could_ try might end up killing her."

"That's not fair. Mrs. Potter is the best person I know. If anyone should get sick and die, it's _my_ mother, the old bat," Sirius muttered angrily. James smiled slightly in response, knowing full well that no matter how much Sirius hated his mother, he didn't want her to actually die.

"Lily knows all this already?" Remus asked suddenly. James nodded.

"I told her on the train. After the Prefect meeting."

"What? _That's_ why the two of you took so long to come back?" Sirius asked incredulously. "Dammit James, I thought you were—you know—_spending time_ with her."

"What?" James asked, blinking.

"Ignore him, James. Sirius doesn't know what he's talking about."

"Oh, c'mon Remus! Even you thought they were snogging!"

"No, I said they were sorting things out—"

"—which basically means snogging—"

"—only in your convoluted vocabulary, perhaps—"

"—don't try to act like you know better—"

"—you're always so crude—"

"—as if you've never snogged a girl!"

"Just because I only snogged _one_ girl, it doesn't make it any less real than all _your_ exploits, Sirius!" James grinned as he watched them continue to argue—"Exploits? I don't have _exploits_!—before he slowly backed out of the dormitory. He wanted to say goodnight to Lily, and needed to catch her before she went to bed.

He grinned again as he left unnoticed and headed for the common room.

XXX

"Oh! There you are, Kate. I've been looking for you everywhere. Didn't you want to talk to me?" If Lily had expected Kate to be cheered by seeing her, she was sorely mistaken. The newly appointed Prefect jumped in surprise before she shuffled away from the portrait hole, looking anywhere but at Lily. "Kate? Kate, I thought you wanted to talk to me." Kate's head swiveled towards Lily's and her eyes widened like saucers.

"T-talk to y-you?" she said shakily, fiddling with her fingers nervously. Lily frowned slightly and stepped closer to Kate, a little astonished when the other girl took several steps back—actually bumping into the portrait hole.

"Are you alright? Did something happen?" Lily asked worriedly. Kate was acting much odder than usual, and that was never a good sign. What if she had received some bad news? What if she had been hurt? What kind of friend was Lily that she didn't even know why Kate was acting so strangely?

"W-what? No, no, of course not. I'm fine," Kate said, firmly planting her arms against her sides and looking at Lily as if she was crazy. The action was incredibly strange—as Lily didn't think she had ever seen a _nervous_ Kate—but it also made her slightly suspicious. After all, what could have happened that made Katherine Knight act in this manner?

"Do you want to tell me anything?" Lily asked slowly, taking in the all black robes that Kate was donning, and the slight tremor of the other girl's fingers. A part of her was sure that Kate had just come back from a late night rendezvous, though with whom she couldn't be sure. Another part of her, however, knew that Kate hated breaking the rules, and was not one for such outings. The entire situation left Lily confused and even slightly hurt.

Gone were the times that Kate confided anything in her.

"I just…wanted to, uh, let you know that I'm glad you're Head Girl. You deserve it." Though Kate smiled brightly and gave her a thumbs up, Lily felt as if her eyes were still cold—her demeanor still stiff and almost angry. A strong urge to confront Kate about exactly what was going on welled up inside her before she managed to push it aside. She gave Kate a smile just as fake and nodded.

"Thank you. Hopefully I can manage it." And with that, Kate nodded quickly and awkwardly sauntered off, heading for the girls' dormitories. Of course, Lily had no time to think about the exchange. Just as she made to follow Kate—to see if there was someway she could get Kate to talk—James practically popped up in front of her, a smirk—one that reminded her of their earlier years at Hogwarts—on his face. Of course, the sadness in his eyes was something that was much more recent, something she could not avoid staring at.

"Going without saying goodnight?" he asked, leaning in to whisper in her ear. Lily was embarrassed to note that she actually shuddered and felt her eyelids flutter. The reaction seemed wrong, however. She could barely stand his presence, and he was stiff and almost stoic. Blushing deeply, she looked up at him and gave him the shiest of smiles.

"No, wouldn't dream of it," she lied, realizing she hadn't even thought of telling James goodnight before she went to bed. Did it make her a bad girlfriend?

Suddenly, her blush went from slightly red to deep scarlet. The word 'girlfriend' while still so new—just made official that afternoon—seemed perfect, even destined. It was as if she was always meant to be with James. That thought made her pause for a moment. While it seemed far-fetched, strange, even mad, she believed it to be absolutely true. She shivered again, this time feeling no guilt over it.

"Then why rush towards the dormitory?" he asked, raising an eyebrow and decreasing the space between them, almost so that they were touching. Had she not heard his slightly louder breathing, she would have pushed him away. It wouldn't be fair if he could affect her, but she couldn't affect him. Lily's eyes then flickered towards the stairs and found herself briefly wondering if she should confide her worries about Kate to James.

"Oh, nothing. And why are you so close? You want to give us away?" James smiled slightly.

"There's no one around."

"Matthew Teely is on the couch," Lily countered.

"He's sleeping. Besides, he's a third year."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Even if he sees us, he'll be clueless."

"Were _you_ clueless when you were a third year?" she asked, putting one hand on her hip. James's answering grin was almost feral. And yet, his eyes still held that same sadness…

"I was special," he said softly. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Please, you were—" But she never got to say what he was. Without warning, James wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to him, his lips on hers without preamble. However, Lily found she didn't quite mind. She was sure that _her_ brain hadn't told her arms to wrap themselves around James's neck, or told _her_ body to press itself as close as she could to him. She was also positive that it wasn't _her_ fingers that were scratching at the back of his neck, tangling themselves in his agonizingly soft hair. Yet, it was. And there was only one way to describe it.

_Fire_.

It was as if every single cell in her body was burning, aflame with a sort of passion she had never felt—and was sure could never feel with anyone else. It felt wonderful, and powerful, and, well, _magical._ For the first time in ages, she was totally and completely happy, and she felt as if there was nothing in the world that could hurt her. Voldemort was nothing but a shadow. Death Eaters were naught but ants. More than anything else, she felt _complete_.

She could feel James's hands at her waist, his fingers pressing into her sides. And then, smoothly—a worrying thought about how much practice it had taken to get this way pushed its way into her head—his lips went from her mouth to her neck, causing her to let out an embarrassing moan. James let out a chuckle, and was just about to explore her neck some more, but she had different ideas. Releasing his neck for the first time, she pulled him back to her lips, unable to believe that had it not been for James's determination, she never would have fallen for him—and this never would have happened.

"Already setting a bad example for the younger students, James?" Lily said softly as she pulled away to breathe, making a lame attempt at a joke. She just didn't know what she was supposed to say. All she knew was that she didn't want James to move away from her.

"Yes," he breathed back, "with a _little_ help from the Head Girl." He leaned his head back, perhaps to be able to see her better, but Lily grabbed him and rested her own head on his shoulder—making sure he couldn't move away. "What's wrong?" he asked, placing one hand at the small of her back as the other stroked her hair. Lily shivered involuntarily, realizing the rush of the kiss was completely gone to be replaced by a cold dread.

It was the sudden understanding that with James she felt safe, strong, even complete that suddenly shed a light on a fact she should have seen much earlier. Her need for him was no longer just important or pronounced. He was all she had left. Just the thought of losing James scared her more than anything—and made her never want to let him go. Lily pressed her face into his shoulder, breathing in his scent, wondering why this was just occurring to her now, and why it was making her feel this strongly.

"I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad. I'm…" she trailed off, turning her head slightly to look at James's face. His glasses were perched precariously on his nose—which she supposed may have been her fault—and there was this slight frown on his face. It was then that she realized he felt the same way as she did.

It was very reassuring.

"I love you, Lily," he said gently. And though his eyes were mostly filled with sadness, she was sure she saw a flicker of something bright. "I love you _so_ much." She didn't care at that moment if Matthew Teely woke up. Lily 'pulled a James' and pressed her lips to his before he could get another word out.

"I love you, too, James. _So_ much," she said the moment they pulled apart.

And for a second, she saw that brightness in his eyes again.

XXX

It took him quite a while to notice it—several weeks into the term, actually—however, he felt quite proud of himself. After all, for once _he _had noticed something first—far before his more perceptive friends like Remus and James. Of course, the two other boys couldn't really be blamed as James no longer lived in their dormitory and Remus was far too distracted with Jennifer and her recent distant behavior to pay any mind to the going ons around him.

Which was why it was Sirius who noticed it.

At first, it didn't seem to be very long, but over time it was apparent that Frank spent a great deal of time sitting on his bed with his elbows propped up on his knees, staring at his hands. The first few times Sirius saw Frank in that position, he thought that Frank was just deep in thought. It made sense, too. There had been recent attacks and one of Frank's cousins had died.

Of course, after a while, Sirius noticed that there was a golden glint in Frank's hands—that he _was_ deep in thought, just not about what Sirius assumed. It seemed as if Frank wanted to propose.

And so Sirius waited. He watched Alice carefully for signs of excitement, and he kept asking Lily if she had any news. But nothing happened. Rather than a huge surge of excitement and happiness he expected to occur any day, Sirius realized that Alice and Frank were more distant, even to the point that by the beginning of October, they weren't speaking at all.

So the next time Sirius saw Frank sitting on his bed and staring at the ring in his hands, he walked up to him and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Just give it to her, Longbottom," he said without preamble. Remus had gone off to study with Jennifer in the library, and Lily was helping Peter with Charms in the common room. Frank looked up, and ran his fingers through his hair in a James-like fashion.

"You don't understand," Frank said pitifully, looking at the ring in anguish. Sirius rolled his eyes and sat down next to Frank.

"What don't I understand? You love her, she loves you…I don't see the problem here," he said matter-of-factly. Frank let out a mirthless snort, one that slightly bothered Sirius as he had never heard his quiet and polite roommate make such a sound. It was as if it didn't belong to the boy.

"Sirius, have you ever cared for someone so much that you'd die for them?" Frank's voice was almost harsh, and the words came out fast. It looked like he expected an answer, but Sirius had none to give. He'd die for James, or Remus, and Peter. He cared for them. Then again, Sirius was sure that Frank was talking about something completely different.

As Remus said, Sirius had 'exploits,' not relationships. Not love.

When it was obvious Sirius had no answer, Frank continued. "I love Alice. I love her more than anything. I love her so much that it hurts. I _want_ to marry her. I _want_ to be with her forever," he said in a rush, as if he'd been dying to talk about this for ages. "But I just…I just _can't_ do this to her!"

"Do this to her? Frank, she wants to marry you just as much as you want to marry her."

"That's not the problem, Sirius. You know my family is a big target for Voldemort. We're purebloods, _and_ we have influence in the Ministry. My parents both had been in the Wizengamot, they managed to pass laws that protected muggles and muggle-borns. Do you realize how much the Longbottoms are hated? Marrying Alice would mean putting her in danger. It would mean making her a target. I can't. I _won't_ do that to her." Frank shook his head frantically, tears escaping his eyes.

"Lily thought she could protect James by staying away from him, too," Sirius said quietly after thinking for a moment. Frank looked up at him for the first time, his eyes red-rimmed. "It made them both miserable, and it didn't work. Do you know why?"

"Why?" he asked desperately, as if he had to have the advice, as if he was grappling for a reason to change his mind.

"Because they realized they were better off together. That they were stronger."

"James and Lily aren't even dating!" Frank said, waving his hand and looking very disappointed.

"Maybe for now. Do you honestly think it'll last? There's no way the two of them won't get together by the end of the month." For a moment, it seemed Frank wasn't convinced, but then he looked at the ring in his hand.

"Professor Dumbledore always says that love is some of the most powerful magic in the world," he said slowly.

"Exactly. You're not protecting Alice by keeping her away. You're hurting her." When Frank nodded and stood, a determined look on his face, Sirius knew he had managed to convince Frank to go through with the proposal. Despite the fact he knew he would never get married—and didn't understand why anyone would ever _want_ to be married—Sirius felt an odd sense of pride.

He watched in silence as Frank gently placed the ring in its box, and then stuffed it into his pocket. He was halfway out the door before he turned around and gave Sirius a wide smile.

"Thank you, Sirius. Thank you so much." And then, without another word, he hurried off. Sirius, however, found himself suddenly worrying. Everything he said was true. James and Lily _did_ believe that together they were better off than when apart. But was the love James felt for Lily as strong as the love Frank had for Alice?

Would he one day lose his best friend to Lily Evans? Would he lose the first person to ever stand up for him to James Potter?

XXX

The back of her neck prickled, and she knew without a doubt that his eyes were on her. Lily shivered involuntarily, her thoughts going to the kiss they had shared just that morning before classes, and she found herself blushing deeply. She tried to stop it, but it was far beyond her control. James just had that effect on her…

It was a miracle, James was fond of saying, that no had realized they were dating yet. According to him, the way Lily turned red each time she saw him was a dead giveaway. Lily was fond of telling him to shove it, which would just make James laugh—a laugh that was just starting to sound closer to normal.

Pushing all thoughts of James out of her head, Lily checked her Potions textbook and read the next line of instructions. It was simple enough, she thought, grinning slightly at the prospect of a perfect Berrilis Potion—a rather difficult cure for persistent heartburn.

She was just about to stir the potion three times counterclockwise, when she felt something warm brush pass her. She looked up just as James winked at her as he grabbed a few ingredients from the student cupboard—which was right next to her seat—and walked back to his seat, making quite sure to brush his arm against hers once more. Again, Lily blushed, and when she turned back to her potion—absolutely hating how easily James was able to distract her—she noticed Severus glaring at her, his dark eyes inscrutable. But Lily was far beyond caring. She was _happy_, and she didn't give a damn about what some aspiring Death Eater thought.

So rather than glare back or give him an ugly look, she just turned away. It was odd how wonderful that simple act made her feel. How empowered…

"Mr. Snape, Black, Lupin, and Miss Evans, if the four of you would remain behind after class, I have something to discuss with you," Slughorn said in his usual booming voice as most students began to pack their things and vanish their useless potions. Only Lily and Severus's potions were corked in large beakers for use in the Hospital Wing.

"What d'you think he wants?" James hissed in her ear as he passed by—pretending to put his unused ingredients back. Lily felt her face heat up slightly, but she shrugged.

"Who knows? Then again, it's Slughorn. Maybe he wants some pineapple?" she whispered back. James let out a loud snort that he turned into a cough, and he gave her a slight wave in goodbye.

She closed her eyes and thought about how much she preferred the goodbyes they shared on a few instances, once the common room was empty…

"Miss Evans? Are you listening?" Lily jumped in surprise, realizing that the rest of the class was already gone, and that Slughorn had been speaking.

"I'm sorry, Professor," she said quickly. "Could you repeat that?" Slughorn huffed, and his chest stuck out a bit, but he repeated what he had said, anyway.

"Despite the fact you were able to avoid my little parties last year—_and_ the year before—the four of you must attend all of them this year." Slughorn looked at Lily with slightly narrowed eyes, and she turned slightly red. It was true that she had avoided the 'Slug Club' parties as much as she could. As much as she liked her professor, and as much as she respected him, his little club was utterly annoying and not at all beneficial as he liked to think. If anything, it was a chance for Slughorn to brag about all the 'important' people he knew.

"_I _was never invited before," Sirius said with a dead voice, and Lily had to stifle her laugh. He turned to her, and cracked a grin before he looked back at Slughorn who had a distinctly uncomfortable look on his face.

"Ah, well, yes—Mr. Snape and Mr. Lupin quite enjoy these little get-togethers. Don't you boys?" Remus looked a bit shocked, and Severus didn't even bother to answer. Instead, he just stared at the floor, as if bored. "Ahem, well. So that's it! Off you go. You have classes, don't you?" Lily blinked at the sudden dismissal and she grabbed her bag before following Remus and Sirius out the door. Severus, it seemed, had stayed behind.

"Well, that was interesting," Lily said conversationally once they had reached the Great Hall. Remus chuckled, but Sirius shook his head.

"It's completely stupid," he muttered. "Why am I invited? I never do anything but blow things up in his stupid class."

"Maybe he sees some hidden potential in you?" Lily suggested. Remus laughed.

"Or maybe he's hit his head against something, and he's delusional," he said through his laughter, causing Lily to snort.

"You both can laugh now," Sirius said angrily as they reached the Gryffindor table, "but when James finds out—"

"When I find what out?" James asked. Lily smiled immediately, noticing James sitting not too far away from them for the first time. She walked over and sat in front of him.

"Slughorn wants us to go to the Slug Club parties. He's upset that I skipped out on so many." Rather than the grin she expected, James frowned and looked a bit angry.

"You three were invited?" he asked. Sirius, ever oblivious, nodded as he sat down and piled food on his plate.

"And _Snivellus_," he added. James's face darkened, but either Sirius didn't notice, or just didn't care, because he continued. "Slughorn's probably upset that Lily hasn't been working on his little projects with Snape anymore."

"What little projects?" James asked, turning to her just as Remus threw his hands in the air and said, "Who cares about all this anyway?" However, even Sirius had his eyes on Lily, and she was sure she saw a glint of satisfaction in them.

"Severus and I brewed a few difficult potions for Slughorn to be used in the Hospital Wing. He said he had no time, and since we were good enough, he'd give us the work. It was a chance to make a little money, too."

"Why didn't you tell me?" James asked, his voice now dangerously soft, though his ears had turned slightly pink at the mention of money. Lily ignored that, instead turning to look at Sirius. When she saw the slight upward curve of his lips, she realized that he had brought it all up on purpose.

"It was last year, and you were angry at me," she answered. Sirius shook his head.

"Please, you were working with _Snivellus_ long before you and James got into that fight." Remus elbowed Sirius in the side, and looked at him as if he was crazy, but Sirius ignored it. "It was before Mr. Potter even told you about the threats against James."

"Lily?" James said slowly, standing up. She closed her eyes briefly and then looked at him.

"I brewed a few potions, James. It was work, that's all." James gave her a hard look before leaving without another word—and without bothering to look back. Lily paused only long enough to give Sirius a rude hand gesture before she ran after James, praying that he was only slightly upset. Praying that she hadn't broken his trust. Because she was sure, if she had, their relationship was over.

XXX

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Remus snapped the moment James and Lily were out of sight. Sirius continued to chew his food calmly, as if nothing had happened. Remus would have thought that Sirius honestly didn't know what he had done if it wasn't for the small grin that marred his face.

"Have you thought about what happens if Lily and James start to date?" he asked. Remus gave him a confused look.

"Yeah, we'll have two very happy friends," he answered, unbelievably angry with Sirius. But Sirius shook his head in an unbelievably infuriating manner.

"No, we'll lose James and Lily as friends. Once they date, d'you really think they'll have time for us? Will Lily sneak to the kitchens with me, or tutor Peter, or spend her patrolling nights with you? No, she won't. And d'you think James will go to Hogsmeade with us anymore? Or want to come with us on the full moon? Or pull pranks? If they date, it's all over. We lose them as friends!" Sirius slammed his fist against the table, getting several funny looks from other students.

"You're being ridiculous," Remus said, rolling his eyes. Of course, he could understand Sirius's fear. He knew that Sirius had very few people he considered friends, and even fewer people he trusted completely. Just the prospect of losing two of them in one blow must terrify him. However, what Sirius didn't seem to realize—in the midst of his fear and worry—was that Lily and James would never give up the friendships they had. Even if the two of them started dating, Remus was sure they'd still put most of their focus on the people closest to them. After all, Lily's family consisted of the Marauders, the seventh year girls, and Marlene. And James—loyal James—would never let his other relationships fail just because he had a 'girlfriend.'

Of course, Remus needed a way to explain all that to Sirius.

"How about this, instead of ruining the relationship they have now, just wait and see. If they start dating and ignore us, then we'll do something." Sirius looked a bit forlorn, but he nodded.

"I just—I just didn't want to get that far," he said softly, which Remus immediately translated as, "I just didn't want to get hurt."

Remus realized he couldn't blame him.

He looked back at Sirius, and worried greatly about the look in his eyes. There wasn't acceptance, or understanding. There was defiance. A look that clearly said he still believed in his own grasping of the entire situation. It made Remus nervous, and even more, it was reason for Remus to start watching Sirius closely.

Lily and James had enough fights on their own. It was how they worked, and Remus could understand that. Unlike his own relationship with Jennifer, Lily and James had this fire between them that had to be released in some manner. No matter what kind of interaction they had, there was always some sort of…_passion_. Of course, Sirius causing fights for no reason at all would do nothing but ruin anything between them. Their normal fights were like the one on the train that Mary witnessed, with teasing and smiles—Sirius could actually break them apart with something as simple as a little jealousy, or anger.

Remus patted Sirius on the shoulder, all the while thinking about how much of a mess they were in because of some insecurities.

XXX

"You know what, James? You're being ridiculous!" Lily finally said angrily. They had practically stalked up to Gryffindor tower in silence, and then sat on opposite sides of the couch in front of the fire—also in utter silence. James had his arms crossed at his chest, and a cold stare directed at the fire. Lily on the other hand was tapping the floor with her foot incessantly, watching, waiting for James to speak. But he didn't.

And that was infuriating.

Once she had spoken though, James turned to look at her, his eyes still cold. "Ridiculous?"

"Yes, ridiculous! You think I haven't noticed those glares every _single_ time I talk to a boy? Even Remus and Sirius?"

"Well, what d'you expect me to do? Be okay with all that? I mean, you've been spending time with Snape, and you _didn't _even tell me!" he demanded. Lily felt her fists clench.

"I _worked_ with him, James," she said through clenched teeth. "And you know this has nothing to do with Severus. This is about you not trusting me. About you not trusting my feelings for you." Lily was shocked to feel several tears roll down her cheeks, and she brushed them away angrily. James just gave her that cold stare. "First it was Will, and now it's all this. Why do you think so lowly of how I feel?"

"That has nothing—"

"Not once did I tell you not to spend time with other girls. I know I can trust you because I _trust_ in your feelings towards me. When I say that I love you, aren't you listening?" By that point, her voice was choked up, and her hands were shaking—from rage, from the tears spilling down her cheeks, and especially from the hurt. She turned away from him.

"I do trust you, Lily. But you should have told me about Snape!"

"It was months ago! It was never even important. And you know that. I just don't understand why you're…_punishing_ me." Suddenly, Lily felt him scoot over to her, brushing away her tears with his thumbs. She was surprised with how gentle he was being, despite his anger from before. Tentatively, she looked up at him, a little shocked by his wide eyes and earnest expression.

"Oh, Lily," he said softly, gently running his fingers in her hair, "I'm so sorry. I'm just—I just worry sometimes."

"Why? Worry about what? That I'm—" But James didn't let her finish.

"It has nothing to do with you, Lil. Nothing at all. I swear," he said fervently.

"Then what is it? Why do you worry?" Lily asked, her voice pleading. She wished it wasn't like this, that she didn't have to beg for him to tell her what was going through his head, that he would confide in her. She wished so desperately that he'd stop locking everything up, and be who he used to be.

Lily closed her eyes as she realized how hypocritical she was being. Hadn't she been the same way as well?

James didn't speak for a long time, and since her eyes were closed, she couldn't even look into his eyes to figure out what he was feeling. But then, finally:

"Because I keep waiting for you to realize I'm not worth it. That I'm just like my dad. That you're better off with someone else—anyone else." Lily opened her eyes and forced herself to blink several times before she was even able to comprehend what he said.

"What?" she finally muttered, blinking several more times, like an idiot. James looked away, hanging his head and opening and closing his fist almost obsessively before he pressed them to his face, shaking his head nervously.

"I'm pathetic," he said, his voice muffled by his hands, "I didn't even know my mother was dying. I'm not worth—" Lily pulled his hands away and forced him to look at her. There was so much pain and fear in his hazel eyes. So much vulnerability. It wasn't just the fact that she hadn't seen him quite like this before that shocked her, it was the fact that he actually believed that he wasn't enough. That thought alone made her smile.

"Oh, James," she said softly, running her fingers through his incredibly soft—and horribly messy—hair, smiling again when he closed his eyes in contentment and leaned his head into her hand. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." His eyes shot open before he snorted.

"Aren't you just the best?" he said, returning to normal a bit.

"Where did my arrogant toe-rag go?" Lily asked. "He would never have said anything so silly." James smiled slightly before it faded and he looked sad. It seemed her joking wasn't going to reassure him at all. "James, if anything, I'm _incredibly_ lucky to have you. Who else could have put up with me? With the way I was always so horrible to you, how I lost my memories, how I treated you badly because of your father. You're a brilliant person, and you're not just 'good enough,' you're perfect."

"But—"

"No buts. I know you're angry at yourself because you didn't notice your mother's illness sooner, but don't you see that your parents tried their hardest to keep you in the dark? How can you blame yourself?" James stared at her for a moment and he took her hand in his.

"I suppose you're right," he said slowly. He began tracing circles on the back of her hand, causing Lily to shiver.

"Of course I'm right. I'm always right," Lily said confidently, wondering if she was able to hide her uneven breathing, and how loudly her heart was beating. It didn't seem fair that James seemed utterly fine, and she felt as if her hand was on fire.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize that," James laughed softly.

"Damn straight," Lily muttered, only to have James push her against the couch's armrest, and press his lips to hers almost desperately.

In the month that they'd been secretly dating, they shared very few kisses. It was mostly because they were both so busy with homework, Head things, and some extra research to see if they could help James's mother. Today was a very good day, Lily thought dreamily, as she realized this would be the second time she was able to hold James so close in less than five hours.

Of course, it was also strange that James was kissing her now, in the middle of the common room, because absolutely anyone could see them. Not everyone went to lunch…There was a part of her that wanted to know why he no longer cared about everyone finding out about them as he had for the past month—though she was almost positive it had something to do with the fact he didn't think he was 'good' enough for her—but a much larger part of her just wanted to snog James.

So that's what she did.

She clutched at his shoulders, letting out a little gasp when his fingers touched her skin. Suddenly, she wanted to make James feel how she always felt, and that desperation filled her. It was convenient that he didn't have his robes on, she thought as she undid the buttons on his shirt. James, of course, caught on quickly and disposed of the pesky fabric with ease.

Her mind was clouded by a lusty haze, so it took a while for her to realize James had completely managed to get her off track. She pulled away, giving him a look.

"_James_," she said. James, of course, seemed to think of it as encouragement, because he pressed his lips to her jaw and then down her neck. Momentarily, Lily forgot what she was trying to do, and she let him do what he wanted—but her senses came back quickly, and she pushed him as far as she could. Her fingers brushed against his chest as she stared him down, so when he shuddered slightly, she became confused.

"What's wrong," she asked, letting her anger—however slight it was—go for a moment to let him talk.

"You really don't know how much of an effect you can have, do you?" he asked, pulling her into a hug. But Lily was quite stubborn when she needed to be.

"Why can't you see what I see?" she asked, pulling away once more to look at him. James sighed and leaned back against the sofa, pulling his shirt on as he did so.

"I just can't," he said simply, rolling his shoulders. He looked at her, and his eyes were fixated on her lips. "Shame, we were having so much fun, too." Lily rolled her eyes and took his hand before leaning against his shoulder.

"You're going to need to get over this eventually, you know. I can't have a boyfriend that doesn't have an ego." James tilted his head and laughed.

"Hmm, then I suppose I should go back to cursing people left and right," he joked. "I think it makes me more of a man. Why d'you want to take that away?" he said, suddenly serious. He was sure that this new doubtful James was the right thing. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Only you would think something like that. That's the silliest thing I've heard." James played with her fingers and let out another laugh.

"First you said 'that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard,' and now it's the 'silliest?' Really, Lily? You're not doing much for my self-confidence." Lily laughed, resting her head on his chest, savoring the way it rose and fell evenly as he breathed, and the steadiness of his heartbeat.

"As if you need anymore self-confidence," she said lightly, knowing that it was _exactly_ what the great lump needed. James began to stroke her hair with one of his hands, and he laughed. They then lapsed into an easy silence, one that was broken by James, only ten minutes before the end of lunch.

"If Snape had listened to you. If he had given up all the Dark stuff, what do you think your relationship would be like right now?" Lily frowned at the question, wondering why James was asking something so odd, but also realizing that she had to answer—and answer truthfully—because there was something strange in the way James had asked.

"Difficult," Lily said nearly a minute later. She looked up at him and saw that he seemed confused.

"Why difficult?" he asked, and it seemed it took a lot out of him to do so. Lily tapped her fingers against his thigh, wondering how to word her answer that he wouldn't get the wrong idea.

"Severus…Severus had feelings for me that were more than just friendly." She held up a finger when it seemed he was about to interrupt. "I didn't notice it though Mary kept telling me, and Alice warned me. It wasn't until I realized he wasn't who I thought that I saw it."

"So it would be difficult because you wouldn't return those feelings?" James asked, something flickering in his eyes. Lily tightened her hold on his hand before she started tracing patterns on his palm, thinking carefully.

"No. It would be difficult because, in the end, I'd go with what he wanted even if I didn't feel the same way." James looked shocked. He shoved his glasses into place and gave her a horrible look—as if she was someone he had never seen before.

"Why? Why would—" Lily pressed her hand against his mouth.

"He was my best friend, James! If he had listened to me, we never would have gotten into a fight. I would never have gotten to know you better. I would never have fallen for you. And even if I didn't love him like, well, like _that_—like you—I still would have done whatever made him happy! Because he was my best friend," she finished lamely, not liking the way James's jaw had set.

"But now?"

"There's nothing left between me and Severus. I don't know him anymore." James pulled his hand away, and Lily felt a pang of hurt that nearly took her breath away. Tears sprang to her eyes before she could stop it, and she almost let out a sob. Then, slowly and with great gentleness, James pressed his lips to her temple, wrapping his arms around her waist, practically pulling her into his lap.

"You know, one of these days, I'm going to have to thank that slimy git," James said softly. Lily's eyes widened and she gave him a questioning look. "Well, if he wasn't absolutely mad and let you go, I would never have gotten to know you."

"James—"

"And we never would be here, sitting like this." He held her tighter, and Lily realized that, in a way, James was right. Losing Severus forced her to spend time with James, to do utterly insane things like kissing him when she thought she disliked him.

For the first time in ages, she thought about how her Patronus had changed. How it became a doe long before she even had feelings for James. Perhaps it wasn't a reflection of her emotions at all. It changed because she _had _changed. Her shift in ideals wasn't anything major, or anything big like she had assumed it would need to be. Lily smiled. She hadn't changed _for_ James, but knowing him, being with him, had managed to slowly make her a better person as she learned things from him. Like his unwavering loyalty, or his belief in the right thing. She flattered herself that she had done the same with him. Lily grinned.

"You know, Slughorn lets us bring guests to his parties," she said slowly, laughing when James tickled her sides. He faced her and gave her a bright smile, and she saw very little of that hurt and pain remaining in his eyes.

"Are you asking me on a date, Evans?" he said, laughing himself when she rolled her eyes. They continued on like that as they left the common room for their next class, and Lily realized something else the two of them had in common.

When she was hurting, it was James who numbed her pain.

And now, as James was hurting, she numbed his.

XXX

Remus felt the ache in his bones, and frankly, it was getting to a point that he wanted nothing more than to lay in bed, and sleep. But Jennifer wanted to spend time with him, and he was sick of lying to her about why he couldn't at certain times every month, why he was barely able to move during the full moon—though he never told _her_ that.

At the moment, he only told Lily his troubles with Jennifer. The others knew, of course, but he had only fessed up completely to Lily because he thought she would understand and have advice for him. But she hadn't. She had given him this odd look and then rushed off, not even bothering to say a word. Remus was slightly hurt by her reaction, and then began to wonder if Sirius was right about James and Lily…

It was big news that Lily Evans and James Potter had become an 'item.' Actually, it was all anyone would talk about, even Jennifer had only wanted to discuss his best friends' love lives rather than talk to him. Remus was incredibly happy for them, but after Lily's flight from before, he wasn't too sure. Perhaps Sirius was right?

"Moony, have you seen Lily?" James asked from behind him, jumping onto the sofa, and letting out a sigh. Remus looked at James and frowned.

"No. I thought she was with you," he said, slowly feeling guilty.

"Nah, I haven't seen her all day. What's the point of a Saturday if you can't spend it with your girlfriend?" he laughed and then looked over his shoulder and spotted Peter, who seemed to be studying, and then decided to yell across the common room.

"Wormtail, where's Lily?" Peter grinned.

"Already lost your girlfriend?" he asked, which only brought a wide smile on James's face—probably because he had heard someone else call Lily his girlfriend out loud. "She helped me with the Transfiguration homework this morning. I don't know where she is now." James frowned, and then shrugged.

"Oh well," he said, shrugging off the news that his girlfriend was missing with ease. "You two want to raid the kitchens?" Peter immediately nodded, but Remus shook his head.

"Jennifer and I have a study date," he said almost sadly. It was always so fun when they went to the kitchens together…

"She's probably just overworked, Remus," James said, suddenly serious. "Whatever is it, she'll get over it." Remus blinked before he realized James was talking about Jennifer. He hadn't thought James had noticed his problems with her.

"Yeah, probably." He sighed and stood, grabbing his bag with a wince. He pretended not to see James's look of worry, and he left the common room with just a wave.

The corridors were empty—probably since everyone was enjoying their weekend—and it slightly unnerved him. The only time it was this empty was after hours, when he and the other three boys wandered around the grounds. Of course, he was never alone when they prowled the castle. He shivered, and closed his eyes, suddenly bumping into something very hard and apparently alive as it let out a scream.

Instead of trying to figure out what happened, Remus groaned and sat on the stone floor, leaning against the wall, hoping for the pain to go away—to stop, to cease, to just be _gone._ "Oh, _Merlin_, Remus are you alright? I didn't see you, I wasn't paying attention—"

"Lily?" he interrupted, opening one eye to see Lily standing over him with a worried expression on her face, and in her hand, a corked vial of some disgusting looking black liquid. Suddenly, her expression softened, and she plopped down next to him, a slight smile on her face. "Lily?" he said again, this time with a bit of nervousness.

"Here," she said unceremoniously, handing him the vial. He looked at it and shook his head.

"Trying to poison me?" he asked, grinning when her cheeks turned red. She bumped his shoulder so lightly, that he barely felt it, and suddenly a surge of affection rushed through him. How could he ever have thought that Lily Evans would get in the way of his friendship with James? Or that she would ever forget him? Even now, when no one else seemed to notice, she was gentle—realizing he was in pain.

"No, you git. Just drink it. _Trust me_," she stressed when Remus raised an eyebrow. He uncorked it with one finger before taking a deep breath and taking it all in with one swallow. Lily looked at him expectantly, and Remus frowned.

"What was that supposed to—" He stopped talking, suddenly in shock.

As if it was being purged from his body, the pain swept away. First, his head cleared, the horrible ache that had been plaguing him all morning vanishing. Then, the tight bonds that had been constricting his torso—making it difficult to breathe—seemed to fall away. And finally the ache in his legs, as if someone had been stretching it to its limit, disappeared, leaving him completely pain free for the first time ever on the day of the full moon.

"W-what, oh _Merlin_, what w-was that?" he asked, torn between jubilation and shock. Lily smiled again, and she leaned her head against his shoulder.

"I've been working on that for a very long time. Since I found out you were—you know." Remus nodded, frowning and feeling very touched that someone would spend so long researching. He smiled when he realized Lily had done something very similar to what James and the others had done for him. "There was always something wrong with it, it never made my pain go away when I tested it—" She was talking so calmly, Remus very nearly hadn't realized what she was saying. When he did, he grabbed her arm and cut her off.

"You tested it on _yourself_? What have you been doing?" he demanded. Lily blushed, and shrugged.

"I used a simple spell, it's no big deal. Just a little pain, is all." But the way she turned away when she said that, Remus realized she was lying. But she didn't give him time to confront her. She just kept mumbling on. "The other day, as James and I were researching something to help his mother, I found what I'd been doing wrong." Her voice was now strong, excited. Remus realized that no matter how much she changed, she would always be that girl who loved to learn, who got excited when she managed to master something.

That thought very nearly made him laugh.

"Well, I'm very glad you did," he said lightly giving her a hug. "How long will it last?" He was surprised when Lily seemed a bit unsettled.

"I don't actually know. It may last all day, or it may wear off in minutes. But you need to promise me something," she said urgently. He nodded, now a bit uncertain. "I don't know what kind of an effect it'll have on your transformation tonight. I'm almost positive it won't be a problem at all, but I just need you to be very careful."

"Lily," he said softly, shaking his head, "I can't control myself once I change. I'm a monster, I'm not Remus Lupin anymore." Lily just gave him a look, one that was soft and kind, and so trusting, that Remus felt a bit guilty. He _knew _he couldn't keep any semblance of control, but here was Lily, so sure that he could. Rather than say the truth, though, Remus nodded. "I promise," he said softly, his heart aching when she hugged him tightly.

He had lied so many times because of his lycanthropy. He had made up stories, and had pretended to feel fine when all he wanted was to yell and _hit_ something. Yet, none of that—_none of it_—had ever made him feel as horrid as he did now, lying to a friend. It was how he felt back in first year, when he was forced to lie to Sirius, James, and Peter about where he went each month.

How he felt whenever he was forced to lie to Jennifer.

He hugged Lily back, trying hard to hold back the sudden hate that filled him. Hate that wasn't directed at Lily, or Jennifer, but himself.

XXX

She hated herself for what she was doing. She knew it hurt him to do anything today, but she wanted the truth, and it seemed he wasn't going to give it to her easily.

It wasn't that hard to figure out what he was, she thought to herself as she tapped her foot against the ground softly, her eyes focused on a page in a book, but her mind still on Remus. After all, all she had to do was check the lunar calendar, and she noticed very quickly that those days that he blew her off were always on the day of the full moon, or a few days before and after it. She stopped tapping her foot as she suddenly felt a surge of hurt.

In a way, Jennifer realized why Remus never told her anything. After all, it was something very personal, and quite terrifying. Obviously, he'd be afraid of being pushed away, of being hated for what he was. For some time, she _had_ hated him for what he was—for not telling her, for making her feel like a fool for ever trusting him, ever believing that he cared. Those negative feelings, however, disappeared rather quickly as she started to actually think. Once she pushed her own emotions aside, it was apparent that Remus had done nothing wrong.

Jennifer pursed her lips, one part of her worrying about the inevitable confrontation between them, another part worrying about his safety, about how he must feel so close to the full moon.

"You look like you're trying to set the book on fire all with your mind, Jen." She looked up, shocked to see Remus standing behind the chair across from her, a cheerful smile on his face. She smiled back weakly, earning a worried expression from Remus. "What's wrong?" he asked, sitting down and reaching out to take her hand. Instinctively, she pulled away, trying hard not to see the flash of hurt, understanding, and then pain flash through Remus's eyes in quick succession. It took only seconds for him to completely block her off, his face utterly impassive.

She was no longer someone he trusted.

In one smooth motion, she grabbed his head with both her hands, and without any hesitation, she pulled his lips to hers, kissing him with all she had. She wanted him to feel her uncertainty, the fear, but more importantly, she wanted to make sure he knew she cared, that she wasn't going to let something so trivial get between them. It took Remus a few seconds, but when he responded—_thank Merlin_—it was with the same urgency.

When they pulled apart, Remus merely stared at her with a calm expression, obviously waiting for some sort of explanation. Jennifer took a deep breath and took his hands in her before speaking.

"I don't care. It doesn't change anything," she said. Remus stared at their entwined hands and then he let out a sigh.

"But it does," he said softly. "You think everything was the same after James and the others found out? Or when Lily did?" The knowledge that most of his friends knew slightly shocked her, but Jennifer shook her head.

"It's just—" she stopped, her hands shaking. He was right. Even now, even though she was constantly telling herself it didn't change who Remus was, she was shaking. She _was_ afraid. "S-so, what? What happens now?" He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead before standing up.

"I guess that's up to you, isn't it?" She didn't call him back as he left the library, though she knew she should have. She didn't rush after him, though she knew she should have. She didn't even move from her spot, though she knew she should have.

And, in a way, she supposed she gave him his answer.

XXX

The rest of the day passed by quickly. Lily had lunch with James in the kitchens, ending up getting kicked out by the embarrassed elves who didn't think their behavior was 'appropriate.' James had thought it was humorous that a few kisses turned them all beet red, though Lily was just mortified.

After that, every time she saw James, she turned red and avoided him, spending time with Alice and Mary instead, both of whom seemed to only want to discuss James. It had been horrible, she reflected, sitting on the sofa in front of the fire in the common room, waiting for the boys to return from spending the night with Remus.

She was slightly dozing off when the portrait slammed open, a very frantic Sirius and Peter carrying in James, who looked paper white. Lily rushed towards them, helping set James gently down onto the floor. His clothes were soaked in blood, turning his white shirt a deep red, and he was completely still—as if he were already dead.

"You—you have to help him," Sirius said urgently. "We can't take him to Pomfrey, she'd know how he got it. _Please_, Lily," he muttered when it looked like she was about to protest. Lily's hands shook as she stared at James. It would be safer to go to the Hospital Wing. It would be better. She couldn't do this.

She couldn't.

**Hello all! **

**First of all, I'm very sorry for the incredibly long wait, but I'm better—and out of the hospital!—and they won't be as long anymore.**

**Next, I was hoping you all would give me some advice. I wanted to know if the title of the story makes sense (it doesn't to me), if the description of the story was interesting and caught your attention, and if the chapter lengths are too long, too short, or okay. Honestly, pretty much any advice on how to make this story better.**

**Also, I wanted to thank my awesome beta, and all of you who read, review, favorite, etc. You guys rock!**

**Another thing, many of you may question the whole Lily-would-get-with-Snape thing earlier in this chapter. I do have an explanation for that. I'm pretty sure that in an interview Rowling once said Lily would probably have married Snape if he had stopped all the Dark stuff. I personally don't like that, but I did think it would be interesting to explore why she'd do it. Love? Obligation? You pick. I think Rowling's word is law, even if I don't like a few of the things she did.**

**Finally, and I don't know if I've mentioned this before, I wanted to say that when authors practically blackmail readers to review by saying they won't update till they get a certain number just makes me angry. I'm not going to do that. But, I will ask you guys very nicely to write something. There's a nice big box and everything…**

**So, yeah.**

**Hope you liked it!**


	26. The Auror and the Traitor

Chapter Twenty-six- The Auror and the Traitor

Albus looked at the teenagers crowding his office, from James, who seemed incapable of sitting up straight without a look of pain on his face, to Alice who had tears streaming down her cheeks. Remus was looking anywhere but at his classmates, Sirius and Peter were staring at their shoes, Frank was shivering, Mary was looking out of the window behind his desk, and Kate was huddled in the corner, hugging herself tightly. Albus studied them before turning to Lily, the only one who was staring him straight in the eyes. From behind James, Alastor gave a curt nod, indicating for Albus to begin.

"I understand the magnitude of what the nine of you dealt with, and while I'm sure you want nothing more than to go up to your dormitories and rest, I must ask you to remain strong for a little while longer." As if his words were a catalyst, all of them began speaking at once; their words jumbled together, Sirius actually going as far as shouting to get his point across. Again, it was only Lily who acted any different from the rest. She did not look inclined to speak at all. Albus tuned out the others, choosing to look at Lily instead. As if this was exactly what she was waiting for, she stood up.

"Professor, it was my fault. It was all my fault." Alice let out a sob, and Mary an indignant snort—as if she couldn't believe Lily would say such a thing—but James groaned.

"Oh, come on, Lily—"

"Shut up, James," Lily said calmly, immediately silencing him. Albus raised an eyebrow, but he allowed Lily to continue. "I knew something was off, that something was wrong. But I didn't say anything." For a moment, Albus contented himself with merely studying the girl in front of him, but then he gave a curt nod.

"I think I'll speak with each of you individually. Lily, if you wouldn't mind going first?"

"Of course, Professor Dumbledore."

XXX

_Sixteen Hours Earlier:_

James was dying.

Her mind was filled with spells, potions, and salves that could stop the bleeding, that could heal the wound, that would replenish all of his lost blood. She could name them each, list the ingredients necessary, dictate the wand motions with ease. And yet, in that moment, none of that knowledge mattered. She couldn't move. Her brain was whizzing at a thousand metres a second, but her arm was still, her wand still in her damn pocket.

"Lily! He's dying! What the hell are you doing?" Sirius whispered furiously, his eyes taking this odd glow, as if he was ready to Imperiuse her just to have his way. Suddenly, her brain stopped whizzing, and a single thought took its place.

_It was her fault._

She had given Remus that damn potion, she had been foolhardy enough to put the ones she loved in danger because of her arrogance, her damn belief that she could help. Lily's hands began shaking, a fury taking hold of her that she'd never felt before. She couldn't help James and risk him dying. He _had_ to go to the Hospital, he had to go to Pomfrey. Not Lily. _Anyone_ but Lily. She would just make it worse.

"He has to go to Pomfrey," she managed to say, not looking at Sirius. It was Peter who grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at him.

"What d'you think will happen? She'll know Moony did this. She'll know we were there! Padfoot and I don't fucking matter, but d'you know what will happen to Moony? _He'll be expelled_." Lily stared at Peter open-mouthed. One, she had never heard the boy curse before, and the word sounded strange coming out of his mouth. Two, she knew he was right. Sirius and Peter would be punished as well, obviously. They had broken dozens of rules, and they could very well be expelled as well. But Remus? His entire life was over. Who would give a werewolf who had attacked a student a job? There would be no future for him. Sirius placed a hand on her shoulder.

"We wouldn't even ask you to do this if it wasn't James. He's the one who learned all the Healing spells. I don't know enough to help him," he said gently, suddenly making Lily furious. He was acting as if she couldn't handle the blood! Ha! She wanted to be a Healer for _years_. She had more practice on things like this than any other student in the school. She'd seen more blood and injuries than an idiot like _Sirius Black_.

Lily pulled her wand out of her pocket and pointed at Sirius's chest, glaring at him with all she had. "If you think you won't botch this up, I need a cauldron, as much silvermoss as you can get, and all of your potion ingredients. Do you understand?" Sirius nodded quickly, and he rushed off. Lily turned to Peter. "I need you to hold James's arms. _Tightly_," she added, when Peter suddenly looked sick. With great gentleness, Lily unbuttoned James's shirt and pulled it off of him. She let out a little sob the moment she laid eyes on her boyfriend's chest, the same chest that her head had rested on, the same chest that she listened to his steady breathing and rhythmic heartbeat. The slash went from his left shoulder straight down to his right side, just below his ribs. Thankfully, though it was deep, and obviously a cursed wound, it had not injured anything internally.

Rolling her sleeves up to her elbows, she got to work, first cleansing the wounds as well as she could with spells before she snatched the silvermoss from a panting Sirius. Had she been in a less dire situation, she would have ground the silvermoss, dripping the liquid it excreted over the wound. But judging from James's ragged breathing, he didn't have that time. Instead, Lily stuffed the plant into her mouth, chewing on it for a minute before she spread it over his wound evenly.

"What does that do?" Peter asked curiously. Lily answered without looking up.

"Beginning of fifth year, silvermoss, an relatively useless plant whose only benefit is to be used on werewolf claw wounds."

"Ah. Should pay more attention, huh?" he laughed. Lily ignored him. As the silvermoss went to work, she turned to the cauldron and began to brew one of the more simple blood-replenishing potions, furiously hoping she didn't set the common room on fire. She turned back to James and was relieved to see his breathing was much more even, though his skin was just as white as before. Carefully, she once again cleansed the wound, reapplied more silvermoss, and then looked at Peter.

"Here's where you'll have to hold on to him tightly," she said grimly. Peter nodded and the moment Lily began casting the spell to speed the healing of the gash, James let out an angry yell—silenced by a quick-thinking Sirius—and he began to thrash his arms and legs, clearly in excruciating pain. Lily felt tears run down her cheeks as she worked, but she didn't stop casting. If she did, he'd never heal.

"Calm down, James. Please, _please_, calm down," she said softly as she worked, wiping tears out of her eyes.

Once she was satisfied, she conjured several rolls of bandages and wrapped it around James's chest with Peter's help, only letting out a sigh of relief when a large beaker of her potion was in her hand, and James looked like he was just resting peacefully—even if he was deathly pale.

"When he wakes up," she said quietly, turning to Peter and Sirius, "give him this." She handed the blood-replenishing potion over. "He'll be in pain, but there's nothing else we can do. Keep his wand away from him, and don't let him leave his dormitory at all."

"What are you going to do?" Sirius asked, looking at her oddly. She sighed and ran her fingers through her messy hair before checking her watch.

"It's almost six. I'm going to shower and then go to the library, see if I can find anything else that can help him." Lily pressed a light kiss to James's cheek and then stood. "Take care of him, okay? If you need me, you know where I am." And then, without bothering to clean up the blood, the ingredients strewn everywhere, and the cauldron, she walked wearily up the stairs, one single thought in her mind.

_It was her fault._

XXX

Even if she had been able to feel the ice-cold water, she wouldn't have paid it any heed. The shower would continue to run, and she would continue to stand there numbly, staring at the spot where the water was swirling almost blindly.

It was lucky that Sirius had found so much silvermoss so quickly. It was lucky that she had learned those spells many months ago because she had extra time. It was so lucky that there was a quick—if ineffective—blood-replenishing potion that could help James for now. It was lucky that on Sundays she was permitted to use Slughorn's private ingredients, so later today she could brew James something more effective.

She had been _so damn lucky_.

So many things could have gone wrong. So many things could have ended with James dying rather than resting in his dormitory. The realization that this was her fault, that she had supplied a potion to Remus without realizing that it could also affect his transformation, was ripping her apart. The knowledge of how close James—the person she loved, the one person she'd do absolutely _anything_ for—came to dying because of her, because of her stupidity, was killing her. Just knowing that the only reason he still breathed was nothing but a great deal of sheer dumb luck was destroying her.

She could have lost him. Lost the boy who made her laugh, who made her see sense, who loved her unconditionally and always cared about her. She could have lost James—James, who had gone through something like this only last year.

Lily closed her eyes and let the water rush over her, thinking about how his eyes brightened when he was with his friends, or with her. How those stupid glasses always slid down the bridge of his nose. How his hair—though so soft—was never neat. How he'd make sure to hug her goodnight, each and every time before bed. The way he kissed her, making her feel safe and warm. She had been so close to losing him forever. So close to never seeing him again, with his silly grins, or inappropriate winks.

She opened her eyes and thought about how something like this could be common once they left Hogwarts. With the threat of Voldemort over their heads, how they would ever be safe until the maniac was defeated? _Would_ they ever be safe?

Lily sighed and turned off the water, her body now shaking from the cold even if she couldn't feel it. She dressed slowly, wondering if she should check on James before she went to the library and then down to the dungeons. It took her less than a second to decide.

She dried her hair with a spell as she ran down the steps, her bag bouncing against her side. Before she could change her mind—before she'd allow her guilt make her want to turn around and go straight to the library—Lily entered James's dormitory, only to see three people look up at her.

Peter and Sirius were sprawled on the floor, their backs against James's bed. James—though blissfully awake—seemed drowsy as he laid still in bed, his glasses set on the nightstand. Before she could even open her mouth, Peter and Sirius stood—almost as one—and left the room without a word, giving her a small nod as they closed the door behind them.

She took a minute to take in her surroundings. The boy's Head room was very similar to the girl's, she thought absently, studying the large bookcases—filled with hundreds of titles not found in the library—covering the far two walls. There was also a bed, only slightly larger than the ones from their previous dormitories, though perhaps more extravagant. Perhaps James realized what she was doing by that point—postponing the moment they had to talk—or maybe he was just impatient, because he gave her a look before sighing.

"C'mere," he said, and Lily's heart nearly beat right out of her chest at the sound. His voice, so deep and soothing, and yet—at this moment—so weak, made her want to sob. Instead, she hurried to him, standing right beside his bed, making quite sure to stand far enough away that she wasn't touching anything. James seemed to notice, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he looked at her straight in the eyes before he gave her the smallest of smiles. Lily braced herself. This was it, it was over. He was going to break up with her, after all, who wanted such a stupid girl as a girlfriend? There was no reason for him continue being with her, no reason for him to— "You're brilliant." Lily blinked and practically gaped at him.

"W-what?"

James grinned, and the reached out to grab her arm and pull her closer to him. "You're brilliant. I'm _very_ lucky I have you." Lily blinked again, this time trying to get the tears out of her eyes.

"N-no, James. You're not," she said, trying to keep her voice clear, though her stuffy nose already muffled it. This was why she hated crying—she always sounded positively ridiculous. He brought her closer, practically pulling her into bed with him, but Lily just shook her head.

"C'mon Lily, you're being sil—"

"No! I'm not!" James's eyes widened, and he looked shocked. "I brewed a potion for Remus. It was supposed to help him, keep the pain away, make him more comfortable—"

"—and you think it's because of that potion that I got hurt?" Lily nodded miserably, and James laughed. Actually laughed. "See, now _that's_ the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." He pulled her arm once again, and Lily found herself laying next to him, one leg falling over the edge of the bed, the other tossed over James's legs. "D'you know how many times one of us have gotten hurt during the full moon? Hell, once Sirius nearly lost a leg."

"But James—"

"No buts. If anything, last night was my fault. I wasn't paying attention, and I let Moony get the best of me. He wasn't any worse than normal. Actually, I think he was a bit calmer." Lily looked at James disbelievingly.

"You're just saying that," she muttered, turning away. James, however, didn't let it go. He forced her to look at him by gently pulling on her chin.

"I'm not. Stop blaming yourself. You didn't do anything wrong." Lily opened her mouth to protest, but James didn't let her. As weak as he was, as much pain as he probably was in, he leaned over to press his lips to hers. She normally wouldn't have let him do something like this—think he could shut her up by just snogging her—but the thoughts from her shower still were prevalent. When would the last time she ever got to kiss him be? What if it had been earlier this morning, while he lay unconscious on the floor, dying? What if. _What if_?

So rather than protest, Lily kissed him back until her sobs consumed her. By that point, she just buried her head in his neck, listening to him as he tried to comfort her with empty words.

XXX

_Do your job, Miss Knight_, they said. They looked at her significantly between classes, they cornered her when she was alone, and they sent her threatening letters in the morning, letters that Lily had noticed and had become increasingly suspicious of. Kate knew it from the odd looks she was getting, from the way Lily had spent less and less time around her. From how Lily had taken to talk about nothing but classwork when Kate was around. On one hand, realizing the person she considered a best friend thought she was no good was painful and horrible. On the other hand, it would make her job_ so easy._

Get rid of the threats to the Dark Lord, and your parents wouldn't be hurt. Make sure those aspiring 'Order' members didn't actually become members, and your younger brother would be safe. It was simple enough, quite easy to understand.

Family or friends.

The winning side against the losing side.

Those that care and those that don't.

Frankly, Lily and the others had made her job very easy when they alienated her, when they acted as if she was no longer a friend. It made her choice simple, her decision free of guilt, she thought as she lay in bed.

So why was she shivering?

XXX

He stared blankly up at the ceiling, ignoring Madame Pomfrey's words, and the various potions she pushed towards him. He had had enough. He couldn't deal with this anymore.

He just couldn't.

XXX

Breakfast was a lonely affair, Mary lamented. Lily and James—who were so fun to tease—weren't present. It was quite a shame, too. Mary loved saying things that would turn Lily scarlet, and even have James laughing uncomfortably.

Sirius, though a great source of amusement for her as she could mercilessly poke fun at him, was present, and yet she wasn't quite happy about that. He seemed angry, frustrated, and not at all the fun Sirius she wanted. Mary sighed, turning to look at Alice who was still moping because Frank _still_ hadn't proposed, and the other girl was now sure that he had lost interest in her. No, Alice wasn't much fun either.

That left, of course, Peter and Kate, both of whom Mary just never got along with. Kate had always rubbed her the wrong way, and she didn't like the way Peter's watery eyes constantly moved—as if he was perpetually worried about something coming after him. Mary sighed once more and played with the runny eggs on her plate. It was _quite_ a shame that Lily and James had not come down to breakfast…

Mary sat up straighter. Perhaps there was a reason that they hadn't, she thought with a silly grin. Had her Lily grown up? That thought made her chuckle to herself, because as far as she knew, Lily was far 'above' such behavior—not that she had actually ever said that, though the redhead _was_ fond of saying: "I'm not going to give _it_ up just because there's a boy in my life." Mary giggled once more, wondering if Lily would be forced to eat her words.

As if the very thought had summoned her, a very gloomy-looking Lily shuffled over to the Gryffindor table, slumped next to Mary, and absentmindedly began to chew on a muffin. She was staring blankly at the table, not at all as if she had had 'inappropriate' behavior the night before.

Mary sighed, her hopes of teasing Lily mercilessly dashed away.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked, elbowing her friend lightly. Lily looked up and frowned.

"Nothing."

"Liar. James rejected you, didn't he?" Mary asked, wanting to get a little bit of her fun in. But at the mention of James's name, Lily jumped up, suddenly springing to life.

"James!" she cried. "I have to go to the library. I have to find the ingredients! Shit, what was that incantation again?" With each sentence, Lily jumped in her seat, her head darting around, as if she was determined to become an owl. Mary and Alice stared at her in shock, and finally—surprisingly—it was Sirius who stood and gently put his hands on her shoulders.

"Calm down, Lil," he said softly, almost as if speaking with a child, not one of the brightest witches to ever come to Hogwarts. "He's fine. He's resting. You know that." Mary frowned, confused by the interaction. Had something happened to James? And what did that have to do with Lily's strange behavior?

"Yes. Yes, I know that," Lily muttered, running her fingers through her hair, a crazed look in her eyes. It was only then that Mary actually paid closer attention to Lily. Her normally vivid green eyes seemed dark—far darker than normal—and there was confusion, fear, restlessness—even _pain_—looming just behind the two bright orbs. It was utterly terrifying to see her friend look like her parents had just died all over again.

Sirius had by then coaxed Lily out of her chair, one hand holding onto her elbow, the other carrying a small stack of toast. Mary made to stand, but immediately stilled when she saw the slight shake of Sirius's head.

"I've got her. Don't worry," he said softly, guiding Lily away from the Gryffindor table, and out of the Great Hall.

Mary watched them go, her appetite for food and fun utterly gone, her only thought on what could have happened for Lily to react this strongly. Had Lily been of sounder mind, Mary would have pointed this out, proving to the redhead that she loved James more than she let on, something that would have Lily as red as could be. Mary smiled slightly, though she was filled with worry.

She'd save it for a another time.

XXX

They walked around the lake, Lily shivering slightly at the cold, and Sirius continually trying to feed her toast—something she just tossed into the lake the moment he wasn't paying attention. It was amusing, really, because Sirius had never seen Lily this way, but it was also quite frightening—and exactly for the same reason.

It had been James who noticed her first, he realized. Way back when they still knew nothing of each other, when they were all in the same compartment on the train—nothing more than clueless first years—it had been James who couldn't stop talking about the redhead who had the audacity to tell them off. Sirius had pushed Lily to the back of his mind soon after meeting her.

But then, something had changed. The girl who stood up for _Snivellus_ had also stood up for him. By that point, it wasn't James who was her friend, it had been Sirius. Sirius, who didn't know how to show Lily how much he had appreciated her intervention, who didn't know how to tell her thank you, who could never make up what she had done for him.

From the very beginning, Lily Evans had meant something to each Marauder. To Peter, she was the patient teacher, the one person who never made fun of him for how long it took him to grasp new things, the one person who had always been kind to him. For Remus, she was the person he could confide in without fear of judgment, or teasing, the girl that figured out what he was and gave his friends the idea of becoming Animagi. For James, she was a best friend, his rock, his source of pure happiness and love, and perhaps one day, even more.

But for Sirius, Lily had become his source of right and wrong. Her approval, what she thought about him, had become paramount. It was why he had sided with her when she and James had fought over Dumbledore. Why, even now when he thought he may one day lose his best mate to her, he still was by her side rather than with James.

All this wasn't to say Lily Evans wasn't without fault. No, indeed. The girl was stubborn, hardheaded, unable to accept change, far too trusting, and quite bossy. She put too much stock in authority figures and rules, and she had never been able to understand what others saw in her. Lily put up walls around her that rivaled even his own, and she never spoke about her feelings, about what was inside of her.

No, she wasn't a perfect person. Yet she was Lily, and to Sirius, it didn't matter if she was perfect. He let out a sigh. He had been so adamant in breaking Lily and James up because they would have no time for him that he hadn't realized that they would _always_ need him, just like he needed them. He turned to look at her, taking in the blank face, the puffy eyes, and the messy way she had pulled her hair back, and he realized exactly what he needed to do. Giving her a small smile, he sat on the slightly damp grass and patted the spot next to him.

"Sit."

XXX

"Sit." Lily turned to stare Sirius in the eyes, frowning slightly at his commanding tone. She would have argued—just for the sake of arguing—but her heart wasn't quite in it. So instead, she plopped down next to him, studying the surface of the lake, trying to decide if the long…thing…in the distance was a piece of driftwood or one of the Giant Squid's tentacles. "What will you do once we leave Hogwarts, Lily?" Sirius asked her, probably noticing her attention was elsewhere and just didn't care enough to give her time to think about the tentacle versus driftwood debate flooding her brain.

"I don't want to talk about this," she said softly, pulling out several blades of grass with her fingers.

"So you'll hold it all in? Until when? Once one of us actually dies?" Lily's eyes snapped towards Sirius and her fist clenched, crushing the grass in her hand.

"Don't act like you know what's wrong with me," she hissed, her eyes narrowing. Sirius sighed and leaned back, resting on the heels of his hands.

"I don't care about what's eating you now. I don't want to know." Sirius paused and studied her until Lily was forced to look away. She didn't like the look in his eyes, as if he understood exactly what was eating her, exactly what she was feeling at that moment.

Then again, he probably did. Hadn't it been Sirius who had told Severus how to get to Remus during a full moon? Hadn't he nearly caused the death of a fellow student and risked the expulsion of his friends? If anyone was to understand what Lily was going through, wouldn't it be Sirius?

"We all die eventually—" Sirius began softly, only to be cut off by an enraged Lily.

"You think I don't know that! Are you that daft, that _dimwitted_, that you think I wouldn't understand that!"

"Lily—"

"Shut up, Sirius. Just shut up." Lily shook her head and stood, letting the grass slip from her fingers, barely noticing the slight tinge of green on her hand. "What I feel has nothing to do with realizing that we all _die eventually_," she spat out his words with disgust and then bent down slightly so that she was eye level with him. "This is about James. This is about how I nearly lost him because _I_ was stupid. So leave me the hell alone." And then, without looking back, Lily stalked off, heading for the library.

She had to help James.

XXX

He stared at the potion that Pomfrey had handed him earlier that morning and then turned away, his back to it.

Pain. He deserved the pain.

XXX

_You have very little time left, Knight. The Dark Lord is not pleased_.

Kate fingered the wand in her pocket, her mind set on her task, yet her hand still protesting the action.

It was nothing. Just a simple word, a simple incantation. It would take very little effort on her part other than to watch and to ensure it didn't wear off. So she couldn't understand why her damn hand was protesting. It's not like the thing had a mind of its own, or that it actually knew if what she was doing was right or wrong. All her damn hand had to do was aim, and it wouldn't work…

"Kate? What're you doing here? You do know that this is the boys' dormitory, right?" Kate pulled her wand out of her pocket and pointed it straight at his chest, ignoring the widening of his eyes. "Kate? What're you doing? Kate? _Kate_?" She stepped closer, ignoring his words. Her hand still shook uncontrollably, but she was far too close now for her aim to be off anyway.

"I'm sorry," she murmured softly.

"Kate!"

"_Imperio._"

XXX

Alice rubbed her eyes for the hundredth time that morning, wishing she could just go back to bed instead of reading out of the Potions textbook.

It was stupid, really, wanting to be an Auror. While in school, she had to study and work hard, just so that she could leave Hogwarts and face Death Eaters. Honestly, it wasn't the brightest of ideas. A part of her was quite sure that she was utterly mad.

"What is wrong with everyone today?" Mary asked exasperatedly, her voice interrupting Alice's train of thought. The common room was practically empty except for a few first years, and they had been able to hog the nice chairs near the fire.

"What d'you mean?" Alice asked, glad for the distraction that Mary was always able to provide.

"Lily's acting like a ghost, Sirius is actually serious, Remus and James are nowhere to be found—" Mary stopped abruptly and let out a chuckle. "Sirius is _serious_." She laughed again and then shook her head, as if trying to clear it. "Peter cried during breakfast, Kate _smiled_ at me today, and you haven't tried looking for Frank all morning. So what's wrong with everyone?" Alice shrugged, finding that Mary actually had a point. After Sirius had led Lily out of the Great Hall, Peter had dissolved into tears before rushing off. If it hadn't been quite so funny, Alice thought she might have been more worried.

"Who knows? Besides, Lily and the boys are always up to something—and they never let us in on it. As for Kate, why do you have to be so horrid? Perhaps she's trying to be your friend—"

"—over my dead body—"

"—and Frank and I haven't been talking for several days now. He seems to be under the impression that I'm going to do what he wants me to do. Well, he's got another thing coming," Alice continued, absolutely ignoring Mary's interruption.

"None of that explains anything. You're just angry at Frank."

"You would be, too."

"So he wants you to choose a safer job, is that really so bad?"

"Yes! Why does _he_ have the right to go off and become an Auror, but I don't? He's a…a chauvinist!" At her words, Mary burst out laughing, holding her sides as tears of mirth rolled down her cheeks. Alice merely rolled her eyes and went back to her Potions book.

XXX

When she entered the library, it was utterly silent, and not in the good way that she was used to. It was an ominous silence.

The back of her neck prickled, and on impulse, her hand slipped into her pocket, grasping her wand tightly. Alarm bells were going off in her head, and she knew without a doubt that this was not a good idea, that she needed to turn around and get Dumbledore, or McGonagall, or anyone. She knew all of that, and yet, she didn't turn around.

She kept moving forward as silently as she could.

After a minute, however, Lily thought she might have been overreacting. While the ominous silence remained, there was no other indication that something was wrong. Just the stupid bells in her head, and the prickling of her neck.

The hold on her wand loosened, and she took in a deep breath as she walked past one of the tables, mentally berating herself for being so stupid. Of course nothing had happened. They were in Hogwarts, the safest place in the world…Lily felt her foot sink into something soft. The alarm bells as loud as ever, she looked down almost reluctantly, somehow knowing exactly what she would find.

He couldn't have been older than twelve, she thought as she held back a sob. His face was pale, and he would have looked as if he was merely asleep if it wasn't for the blood streaming down the corner of his mouth. Lily bent to check the boy's pulse, not wanting to believe that someone had died in Hogwarts, in the safest place in the world, when she heard shoes clanking on stone, as if someone was running. The clanking suddenly stopped, and Lily looked up to see Sirius standing at the library's entrance just as she heard a deep voice cry out a spell she had never even heard before.

Again, Lily acted purely on impulse. Without waiting, without pausing to think, she cast a shield on Sirius and ran towards the source of the deep voice.

"Lily! What are you doing!" A flash of red missed her by inches only because she was lucky enough to stumble slightly. She could hear Sirius shout a spell from behind her, but she didn't care. She had to find who had hurt that poor boy. She had to find him.

Another flash of red, and the figure ducked behind a bookcase.

"_Reducto!_" There was a small pang in her heart that she was hurting the books she loved so much, but it paled in comparison to the satisfaction she felt when she realized it had worked. The figure that had tried to attack Sirius was sprawled on the floor, apparently unconscious. She pointed her wand at him, warily stepping close enough to see who it was. Probably a Slytherin. An idiot that wanted to join Voldemort's ranks.

"Oh, Merlin, Lily…" Sirius said from her side, recognizing exactly who it was the moment she did.

"It's Frank."

XXX

"No. No. There's no way," Alice said, shaking her head roughly. The Hospital Wing was full of students that had been found unconscious and hurt—but not dead—in the library. Madame Pince had awoken only minutes before, and her yells made it difficult to hear what Alice was muttering under her breath.

Lily watched silently as Dumbledore patted Alice on the shoulder and turned to Moody with a grave expression. She didn't like the look on his face, and she wished he'd go back to the Dumbledore that would joke around, with his twinkling blue eyes.

"Was it an Unforgivable, Alastor?" Dumbledore asked quietly, watching as the old Auror bent over Frank and examined him. Alice let out a sob.

"Can't be sure till he wakes up, Albus," Moody said gruffly, but there was this pity in his voice that made it apparent that he knew exactly what had happened. Lily watched as the old Auror signaled Dumbledore to follow him, ignoring how Alice immediately jumped to Frank's side the moment Dumbledore was no longer holding her back. Instead, Lily warily took a few steps closer to where the two men stood, whispering furiously.

"—must have fought it hard, too, Albus. Whoever cast it was powerful—"

"And I will say it again, Alastor. No student would be capable of this."

"Oh? Didn't the Evans girl cast _Videranimae_?"

"You think it was Lily?" Dumbledore asked, obviously not happy with his friend's statement. From the corner of her eye, Lily could see Moody fidget slightly.

"Obviously not. I just think you have a student that's out of control. Albus, the school's wards didn't even catch it—"

"The school's wards have been compromised. Filius is tending to them now." Lily's eyes widened in shock and horror. It wasn't just a student out of control. It had been planned. It meant that Hogwarts had been—

"—infiltrated by Death Eaters. We knew this could happen. We knew students would want to join. Now that they have, what are you going to do?" Dumbledore was silent for a moment and then he sighed.

"They're _students_, Alastor. What _can_ I do?" Lily shook her head and stepped away, not inclined to hear another word. It was just her luck that Sirius stood behind her, the look on his face clearly stating that he too had heard everything.

"Eavesdropping, eh, Lily? Shame on you," he said, trying and failing miserably to grin. Lily looked at Alice, who was still crying, and then the unconscious Frank before she grabbed Sirius's hand and led him out of the Hospital Wing. "We're not supposed to leave, remember?" Sirius protested weakly, but it was apparent he was keen to leave as well, because he followed her quite willingly.

Lily didn't know where she was going, and quite frankly, she didn't really care. There was this voice in her head, screaming that she _knew _what had happened, how it happened, _why_ it happened. But she didn't want to listen to it, she didn't want to admit that she hadn't been a good friend, that she had broken something—someone.

When was the last time she had talked with Kate? When was the last time she had laughed over some silly story with her, and discussed all the Quidditch the girl could want just because she knew Kate loved the sport? And Severus? She never let him speak, she all but shut him down whenever he even opened his mouth.

Voldemort had shadowed their entire time at Hogwarts, the _entire_ time. Then why was it now that a student was Imperiused and sent on a rampage? What was different?

_I was protecting you, Lily_.

She could remember Severus say those words quite clearly. At the time, she hadn't believed him. After all, her parents had just been killed, and Severus seemed to act as if nothing was wrong. But what if he had been honest? What if he had been trying to keep the other Slytherins in line? Another memory, one of listening to several Slytherins discussing attacking her came to mind, and she shuddered. Even then, Severus had in his own odd way protected her. Hadn't he told them to lay off? Hadn't he said that they couldn't go after her? Lily fingered the ring Dumbledore had given her the year before and she stopped walking suddenly, nearly making Sirius ram into her.

And Kate? The first night back and her awkwardness around Lily, the fact that she spoke very little to any of them, the letters and the looks she got from several of the Slytherins. Lily had noticed all that, but she chalked it up to fear. She had thought Kate was afraid of Death Eaters, of Voldemort, and that was why she was so pale, so exhausted all the time. But what if it wasn't fear? What if it was nervousness? What if those looks weren't threatening or intimidating, but pointed looks, as if to say, 'Get the job done' and Kate was taking too long?

So what was the point? Why have Frank attack all those students in the library? What did it accomplish other than put all the professors on alert? Lily bit her lip and ignored whatever Sirius seemed to be mumbling on about and she thought hard. What was the point of using an Unforgivable on Frank, and having Dumbledore himself involved...?

The answer came to Lily in a flash, as if she had been struck by lightening. Frank was never an issue. Whoever cursed him—and Lily refused to think either Severus or Kate could have been capable of _that _—knew that he would be able to fight off the curse, and get caught. They knew Dumbledore would rush to solve the situation at hand, leaving their way clear.

Frank was never an issue—he was the distraction.

"Sirius, d'you have the map!" Lily said suddenly, shocking the boy into silence. He frowned and shook his head.

"No, it's with James. Why? Wait, Lily, where are you going?" But Lily didn't answer, she just motioned for him to follow her and she ran as fast as she could, the entire time hoping that Dumbledore would notice she and Sirius had gone, that he too would realize that Frank served as a distraction. Because she didn't think she had time to get him, and she knew that they needed him.

She and Sirius reached the Fat Lady in record time, and shouted the password to be let in. But the common room was empty.

For a second, she thought that she had overreacted. Maybe Frank was the whole plan, she thought, a little bit of relief flooding through her. She had been sure she'd reach the common room to find that Kate had attacked Alice and the others.

She felt a pang of hurt at the thought. She truly was a horrible friend if she had honestly thought Kate capable of such a thing. Lily was just about to turn around and apologize to Sirius for scaring him, when she saw a flash of red from outside the window. As one, Lily and Sirius stepped closer to the window, only to have Sirius curse under his breath.

There, right next to the lake—in full view of most of the school—were five figures, apparently fighting for their lives.

XXX

_Present:_

"Miss Collins, do you think you could bear recounting what happened for me? How is it that Mr. Potter and Mr. Pettigrew were pulled into the situation?" Albus asked, smiling slightly at a girl he had a great deal of respect for. Even Alastor had seemed impressed after Lily had finished her tale, describing how she and Sirius had rushed down to the grounds to aid their friends, only to realize that it was all over.

Three students were Stunned.

One was bleeding profusely.

And then there was Alice Collins.

"Mary and I were studying, Professor," Alice said shakily. "Suddenly, Peter came up to us and said that Lily was waiting for us on the grounds, that she wanted to talk. We didn't think anything of it since James was going as well." She stopped talking, pulled out a handkerchief from her pocket, and blew into it. Gone was the Alice from earlier that day. Gone was the girl that had shown maturity, bravery, and intelligence.

It was the shock, as Poppy had so kindly pointed out. Alice would go back to her normal self soon, and the handkerchief would no longer be necessary.

"So the four of you went to the grounds?" Alice nodded.

"I noticed that Peter was acting oddly, and James didn't seem too excited, so I was worried about Lily. We started moving faster."

"And when did you realize there was something wrong?" Albus watched the girl in front of him carefully, the way her eyes took on this gleam, how her body straightened and became quite still.

_She's going to make a fine Auror, Albus_, Alastor had said. It was certainly true.

"Peter didn't talk. He normally chats away. Before I knew it, James was unconscious near the lake and I was fighting."

"Who? Who was fighting you?" The gleam from her eyes disappeared.

"It didn't make any sense, Professor. She was our friend. She _is_ our friend…"

"I'm afraid I need a name, Miss Collins," Albus said quietly. Lily had refused to say the name, she merely began muttering about how it was all her fault. Yet, while Albus knew exactly who was responsible, he had to hear the name out loud. To hear it said. Alice frowned and shook her head in confusion.

"It was Mary." Albus frowned.

XXX

"Miss MacDonald, please sit," Albus said kindly, smiling as Mary stepped into his office, a wary look on her face. "Do you remember everything you've done today?" he asked, his smile slipping slightly. Mary closed her eyes and clenched her fists.

"No."

"So you do not remember attacking your fellow Gryffindors? Seriously hurting James Potter? Forcing Alice Collins to Stun you? You remember none of this?" Mary looked shocked.

"Of course not, Professor Dumbledore! Do you actually think I could be capable of that? _I_ was attacked in fifth year, remember?" Tears appeared in the girl's eyes, and Albus sighed, leaning back in his chair.

"You were cursed, Miss MacDonald. The fault was not your own," he said comfortingly. Mary shook her head, tears falling into her lap.

"Frank fought it off. I'm just weak, and—"

"You are not weak. You are _not_." Mary nodded, but she didn't seem convinced. Normally, Albus would have talked to her, tried to make her see sense. He would have attempted anything to make her understand that she had done nothing wrong.

But this was not a normal time. Rather than doing what he knew was right, he sent her away, keen on finishing this business as quickly as possible.

Attacks on students by _other_ students…in his school! Merely the thought made Albus feel sick to his stomach.

XXX

"I freely admit to cursing Frank. That was all me. You can find out the truth easily enough anyway, just by checking my last few spells." She smiled and leaned back in her chair, a relieved look on her face. As if she was finally free. "But Mary? I didn't curse her. That fight on the grounds was not my plan. I was _there_, obviously, but that was just my bad luck."

"So what, Miss Knight? Are you saying that there are more of those like you in my school?" She laughed and nodded.

"There are _dozens_. But that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm going to give you some help, Headmaster. You see, I'm standing by what I believe in." She paused and looked out the window, much in the same way as Mary. Smiling again, she turned to Albus. "I'm saying there's someone on _your_ side that has managed to fool even you. The traitor's still out there."

XXX

Somehow, the Headmaster had managed to keep the entire ordeal from the rest of the school. It was obvious because the next morning, everyone acted as if it was any normal Monday. Some laughed as they finished the last few inches of their essays that they had left for the last minute, others were snoring at the table, completely ignoring the food now smeared on their faces. It was as if nearly a dozen hadn't been attacked. As if a seventh year Gryffindor hadn't been expelled. As if no one had been cursed or nearly died.

As if everything was just fine.

On one side of her, Sirius sat stoically, staring at each student with this odd expression on his face. His eyes flickered all across the Great Hall, and he flinched slightly every time Lily's hand brushed his on accident.

On her other side sat Mary. If anything, the normally exuberant girl was worse than Sirius. Yet, rather than watching everything, she focused only on the Slytherin table, as if she could spot the so-called traitor that Kate had apparently mentioned to Dumbledore the night before.

Lily clenched her fists, but refused to let herself think anymore of a girl she had once considered a friend.

Alice was sitting across from her, and it seemed she too was trying to focus on anything but what she was feeling. Like Lily, Alice alternated from looking at her friends to her plate, refusing to say anything, eat anything, or even move too much. After all, it seemed as if Sirius was ready to curse the next person that moved more quickly than he deemed correct.

The four of them sat there far longer than any other student. A few first years laughed as they finished their breakfasts quickly, rushing to get to the first class of the day. Finally—after what seemed like hours for her—the Great Hall emptied, and there was utter silence.

Lily heaved a sigh of relief and leaned into Mary's shoulder, glad when the girl didn't push her away. Instead, Mary leaned right back, shifting her head so that her hair and Lily's shoulder were hiding her face.

"Frank's going to be released tonight. From the Hospital," Alice suddenly murmured, her voice abnormally loud in the empty Great Hall. Sirius let out a grunt.

"So's Remus. And James." He looked at Lily and grinned slightly, something that looked like it was painful for him. "Hear that, Wit? Your boyfriend's fine." Lily stared into Sirius's gray eyes for a moment and then smiled slightly.

"My boyfriend is an idiot. He should never have gotten out of bed." Though she said it lightly, her hands began to shake from the same terror she had felt when she had seen James out on the grounds, pale as death and bleeding from wounds she had worked so hard to heal.

It was a very good thing that Dumbledore had just assumed the gashes were from the fight, and it was even better that the silvermoss had done its job by the time Pomfrey had seen James—there was no sign of the cursed wound from earlier that day. Instead, it was a deep gash that Pomfrey had managed to fix in seconds.

Lily hid her hands beneath the table and sighed again, ignoring the wetness on her shoulder because she knew Mary wouldn't want everyone to know she was crying. Instead she turned to Alice and smiled as widely as she could.

"Your hair looks different, Alice. Did you do something to it?" Alice ran her fingers through her much shorter hair and nodded almost shakily.

"It, uh, was…cut…during the, you know, and so I just made it neater. Is it nice?"

"Oh! Er, yes, of course. It suits you well. It must be easier to manage," Lily said, nodding quickly and ignoring the fluttering in her heart at how close they came to actually talking about the fight on the grounds.

"Oh, it is. Much simpler, really," Alice said, nodding so vigorously, it seemed as if her head would fall off. Lily opened her mouth to continue their conversation about hair, when Sirius slammed his hand against the table.

"Will you two quit it? James nearly died, Frank was cursed with an Unforgivable, Mary's crying into Lily's shoulder, Peter won't leave the dormitory, Remus won't talk at all, Kate's been _expelled_, and the two of you are discussing Alice's hair?" he demanded, glaring at them. Lily blinked twice before letting out yet another sigh and nodding.

"Well, Sirius, you have to admit that it looks nice," she said simply, causing Mary to let out a snort and Alice to actually smile for real. Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Yeah, I suppose it does look nice," he conceded with a gruff voice, sending the three girls into a fit of laughter.

And as they sat there—just talking, talking and blatantly not going to class—Mary eventually pulled away showing off her red, puffy eyes. Sirius's twitchiness ebbed, and Alice eased up, finally relaxing.

Many horrible things had occurred the day before. It started with James's near-death, and it ended with the realization that they weren't safe, even at school. And yet, Lily decided as she listened to Mary and Sirius argue playfully, it was all okay.

They had all been so _damn lucky_. All of them. But even if it was merely luck that James was still alive, that Frank had managed to fight off an Unforgivable, that none of them had been seriously hurt, it didn't quite matter. The point was that they were _still_ alive. Alive to fight another day. Alive to be together and make each other laugh. _Alive_.

So no, everything was not just fine as the school seemed to believe. Nothing was fine. But for once Lily didn't dwell on danger, on attacks, on never being safe. Instead, she thought about how glad she was she was with her friends.

About how _lucky_ she was to have them.

XXX

"Am I to understand that you are going to allow the four of them to continue to miss every class they have today? In plain sight of the rest of the school?" Minerva said with disbelief, staring at the four students sitting at the Gryffindor table. Albus chuckled and patted his friend's shoulder, giving her a small smile.

"They've been through quite the ordeal. Surely you can spare them a few classes?" he said, nearly chucking again when Minerva actually rolled her eyes.

"Classes would make them feel better," she said stubbornly, turning to look at the four Gryffindors. Albus merely nodded, even if he did disagree with his deputy Headmistress.

While the familiar was safe, while it was comfortable, it did not provide healing. He knew this very well. Perhaps it would be simpler to send the four to class, to force them to go back to normal—to what they _knew_—yet it would be cruel of him. Nothing was normal about the previous day. And it would not be normal for them to attend class as if nothing had happened.

Healing, Albus knew, was a long process. For everyone it was different, and for everyone it was difficult. There was no such thing as healing over night. And so despite the fact that the four students were blatantly skipping their classes, Albus didn't have the heart or even the desire to tell them to leave. He would not be the one that deprived them of their own manner of healing.

"I think, perhaps, it is best if we allow them to decide what will make them feel better. However, if you feel it is of utmost importance they attend class, then I shall not stand in your way." Minerva looked at him steadily for a moment, and then let out an irritated sigh.

"What's the point? You always have your way, Albus," she said huffily, though there was a small upward curve of her lips. Albus watched as she walked away, and then turned back to the four students sitting together, talking, and laughing.

He had several affairs to attend to, from the threat of 'traitors' to Alastor's desire to take on Collins without any application. But for that moment, he contented himself with just watching.

He watched as they tried to heal.

XXX

Severus closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he set his shoulders. He knew what he was doing was foolhardy, but he didn't really care. Without giving himself time to back out, he opened his eyes and walked determinedly into the Great Hall, his eyes focused on the redhead at the Gryffindor table.

He hadn't been able to speak with her after breakfast, or even during Potions. For some strange reason, despite the fact he had waited for her outside the Great Hall for nearly half an hour, he hadn't been able to corner her after breakfast. So he had decided he'd speak to her during Potions, as Slughorn had paired them up. But she didn't show. Quite frankly, he felt rather annoyed that she was forcing him into this situation, but he also knew that he _had_ to speak to her.

So the moment he had been let out of class, he rushed to the Great Hall, hoping to catch her at lunch. And he waited. Waited for her to be left alone, to get up and leave her hostile looking friends, but it didn't happen. Lunch came and went, and she still sat there with Black, Collins, and MacDonald, seemingly unaware that the bell had rung for class long ago.

At that point, Severus had decided that if they could skip class, so could he. He watched them from just behind the doors to the Great Hall, waiting for Lily to be alone for just a moment. But it seemed her friends were more persistent than he was, because they didn't leave her side for a second.

It was just in the last five minutes he decided to brave the three others, if it meant he could speak with her for just a little while.

As one, the four Gryffindors turned to look at him. He would have laughed if he wasn't sure that they'd probably curse him to an inch of his life. MacDonald looked at him like he was a bug, Collins gave him a cold, hard look, Black stared at him without expression, but his eyes seemed as if they were on fire. And then there was Lily.

Her eyes were dull and it was obvious she was tired, but there was also this look of resignation, as if she knew what was coming and had long since prepared herself for it. Her face clearly stated that she didn't want him there.

"_Snivellus_," Black sneered just as Lily nodded and said:

"Severus." Severus resisted the urge to respond to Black's tone, and instead focused on Lily. On the reason he was there.

"Lily, I was wondering if I could speak with you alone for a moment?" Black stood angrily, his wand out.

"Like hell you can!" he shouted. Lily took Black's hand in her own, and the gentle gesture seemed to calm him down. But for Severus, it just made his heart ache. Once upon a time, Lily would be on his side. She would take _his_ hand. She would be with _him_.

"No, Severus. You can't speak with me alone. Whatever you have to say, you can say it right here, in front of everyone," Lily said calmly, looking away from Black and turning to him, her eyes full of sadness.

"I'd rather not, actually—" he began, only to be cut off by MacDonald.

"Then you'd better just leave." Severus clenched his fists, pushing his pride and anger away.

"Fine! _Fine_." He turned to Lily and took a deep breath. "I was…_hoping_…you'd give me another chance. That you'd let me prove I'm not what you think I am." It wasn't Lily who answered. It wasn't even MacDonald or Black. Instead, Alice Collins gave him a look, as if she had never been so disgusted in her life, and pointed to his left forearm.

"Roll up your sleeve," she demanded. When he didn't move, she snorted and looked at Lily. "It seems he's exactly what we think he is," she said harshly. Severus waited for Lily to speak, for her to at least try and defend him. She was his friend. Best friend. He missed her, he needed her. He loved her.

She had to know that. She had to know that she couldn't throw it all away. She had to…

"I think it's time you left, Severus," Lily said in an even voice, looking at him steadily.

"So you choose Potter and his friends?" Severus demanded, anger and hurt fueling his words. Lily gave him a soft smile.

"No, Sev. I chose what was right over what was easy. That's all."

XXX

He was not pleased.

Children_, mere children_, had gotten in the way of his plans. It had been perfect. The wards around the school had been weakened after months of effort, he had his own men situated in the school itself, and the girl had performed the first part of her job correctly. But then all his plans fell apart because the old fool had been alerted sooner than he should have been, and the girl didn't open the gates as she should have. No, he was not pleased at all. But he was patient. Victory was still in his grasp, _and_ he had discovered something quite interesting.

The old man was very invested in several of his students. _Very_ invested.

A small smile appeared on his face.

**Hello!**

**Thanks to all those who reviewed—to all of you who gave me advice!—and to everyone who reads, favorites, or follows this story! Also, a big thank you to my beta, prettypicking! Please check out her story, because it's good. **

**Also, to the guest that left a review saying that there should be sex in this story: I don't know if you meant that there should be smut or just a casual, "Oh yeah, by the way, Lily and James are having sex," type thing. If it's the former, sorry, but that's not going to happen. Frustration is rated 'T' and that doesn't include sexual content. Now, if you're wondering if it's the latter, well obviously it'll come up at some point. I mean, they do have a son at twenty. I'm not going to make them suffer—they already have to die at twenty-one, and I've made them suffer enough so far without adding pent up sexual frustration to the mix. So, no, they're not going to die as virgins, and this issue will come up. But no smut. Sorry if it bothers anyone. **

**And I don't think you're a sicko. Just very honest. (Thanks for the review, by the way!) **

**Anyway, hope everyone liked the chapter!**


	27. A Gryffindor's Bravery

Chapter Twenty-seven- A Gryffindor's Bravery

He was confused as to why he was being stared at so oddly, and he was also slightly worried because the staring had led to being glared at by James. Whether the glare was from jealousy that James's girlfriend was paying more attention to him than to James, or because James knew why Lily was staring so oddly at him and was angry, Sirius didn't know.

But he did wish it would just stop.

"You're being stupid, Lily," James said in a harsh whisper, and Lily snorted.

"No one asked you," she shot back, causing James to glare at Sirius once more, making Sirius wish he could just leave. But he couldn't leave McGonagall's class. He couldn't even fake ill because he was in _McGonagall's_ class, and the woman was a living lie detector.

"I don't care if no one asked me, I'm just telling you how it is. First with the whole Kate thing, and now this. Just give it up!"

"James, _shut up_. I didn't ask for your approval, and I sure as hell don't need it. So go away."

"I _can't_ go away. I'm the bloody moron that decided to sit next to you."

"Okay then. So next time, don't be a bloody moron."

"Oh, gee, thanks. I would never have thought of _that_ on my own," James bit back. Sirius suppressed a grin. He couldn't understand it, and probably never would, but Lily and James's arguments never seemed half as serious as they made it out to be. If anything, it was just funny.

"Well, you said it yourself, you _are_ a bloody moron." Sirius winced, not liking how that sounded, and wondering if he had somehow jinxed his friends with his previous thought…

"Listen, Evans, you're not going to do it. You have no reason to."

"No, _you_ listen, Potter. I will do it. Besides, it's not your place to decide."

"You know what you are? A bloody masochist."

"Beats being a bloody moron."

"Mr. Potter and Miss Evans! That is quite enough!" Sirius had to put his head down to hide his laughter as McGonagall finally put an end to the argument, giving Lily and James one of her signature looks. James just waved it off, probably used to it by now, but Lily seemed mortified, her cheeks rosy.

Sirius, on the other hand, felt a sense of relief. McGonagall's intervention had distracted Lily and James, and he was no longer being stared at like an abandoned puppy by Lily, and the bloke who had abandoned the puppy by James. He sighed happily, and leaned back in his chair, turning to grin at Remus.

Who, _of course_, didn't grin back.

It had been nearly a week since James had been hurt during the full moon, and the horrible day following it. None of them had quite gotten over the whole, Kate-is-a-secret-Death-Eater thing yet, and none of them wanted to discuss it, so they all just pretended everything was perfectly alright.

Alice was on some sort of trip outside of Hogwarts, and would be gone for nearly two weeks. No one knew where or why she had left, just that she wasn't particularly excited about it. Even Frank hadn't been able to get a straight answer out of her. This, of course, had left Frank in an odd position, something he had been moping about since Alice's departure.

Then there was Mary, who no longer slept in her own dormitory. Instead, she was staying with Lily, claiming that she was just lonely. At first, Sirius had thought nothing of it, but when he overheard Lily worriedly telling James that Mary was crying in her sleep every night, he realized that it had to be something more. Of course, no one bothered to actually delve into what it _could _be. After all, who wanted to start an awkward conversation about how there could be someone else close to them who was planning something just like Kate?

That would just be plain rude.

As for Peter and himself, Sirius had noticed a tendency to just remain silent. Where once he would joke and laugh, he preferred to stick to his own thoughts. And Peter seemed constantly confused about something. Then again, _that_ wasn't that abnormal…

Sirius blinked before looking down at his blank sheet of parchment—what he should have been writing notes on—and sighed. He had asked Knight to Hogsmeade in fifth year. He had had fun with her, had thought she was a decent person. How was it fair that he had misjudged her so much?

The last thought actually made him want to laugh. What he was feeling was nothing compared to Lily. Though she didn't talk about it, Sirius knew that she felt incredibly guilty, that she blamed herself for everything that had happened. She seemed to think that she should have noticed, since it was _her_ best friend. After all, no one was as close to Kate as Lily, not since the whole make-Lily-jealous incident. Mary _never_ liked Kate, Alice never quite forgave her, and the boys were more consumed with how stupid James was than worrying over how Kate felt. It left Lily as Kate's only friend at Hogwarts, and thus, the one that should have noticed something was off.

At least, that's what Lily thought.

James was adamant that no one was to blame. He refused to listen to anything else. Actually, he refused listen to anything regarding Kate. It was as if he didn't want to admit it happened, that if he didn't mention it—or let anyone else mention it—it would mean Kate had never used an Unforgivable on Frank, or that Alice had never been forced to attack her own friends…

Sirius was pulled out of his thoughts by the ring of the bell. As the class shuffled towards the door, he could feel McGonagall's eyes on him, and he knew that she wasn't too happy with him. After all, you don't just not pay attention in McGonagall's class and live to tell the tale.

Avoiding his professor's and Lily's unrelenting gaze, Sirius escaped the suddenly confining Transfiguration classroom, his thoughts still on how everyone tried to pretend the incident last week had never happened.

Everyone, at least, other than Remus.

Remus had always been the most serious of the four Marauders. He had always been the most responsible, and the most compassionate. Remus was the one that could tell when someone was feeling down, and then _he_ was the one that actually bothered to figure out why. It was why Lily turned to Remus first when her mother had gotten into the accident, why Peter confided almost entirely to him, why even Sirius told Remus more about his home life than he had ever told James.

It'd make you think that Remus wouldn't skirt around the issue. It'd make you think that he'd actually get everyone talking. But instead, Remus had withdrawn himself entirely from the rest of them. He wouldn't eat at the same time as them, he wouldn't stay in the common room, and he tended to walk around alone—something Sirius had only noticed after checking the map. The behavior was odd, and quite alarming.

In fact, it was flat out suspicious.

Not that Sirius actually thought his friend was up to anything, of course. In fact, he rather thought that the new behavior was Remus's way of dealing with both losing his girlfriend and nearly killing his best friend because of his lycanthropy. Eventually, Sirius thought, Remus would get over it and go back to normal.

Eventually.

"Sirius, stop walking so fast!" Lily yelled from behind him. Sirius immediately pushed all thoughts of Remus out of his head and he turned to grin at Lily, who was running to keep up with his longer strides. Her face was slightly flushed when she reached him, and she was utterly ignoring James who was walking behind her, glaring every step of the way. "What's the rush?" she huffed, placing her hands on her knees and doubling over to catch her breath.

"You're out of shape, Wit." Lily's eyes flashed up to him.

"You think you're funny, don't you?" she asked, ignoring James's tsk from behind her.

"I do. Now, what d'you want? I'm famished."

"She's being stupid. Ignore her, Sirius," James said before Lily could even open her mouth. Lily turned to look at James with narrowed eyes.

"Are you planning to have a date for Hogsmeade?" she asked, a slight teasing tone in her voice. James blinked, shoved his glasses to its place, and then crossed his arms over his chest.

"That's blackmail, that is. You'd think Miss Head Girl would be above such petty tactics, but it just goes to show how little you actually know the people around you," James muttered. It was obvious that he had meant the comment as a joke, a response to Lily's teasing, but it had the opposite effect. Lily's face seemed to crumple, and Sirius could swear he saw tears start filling her eyes. James, too, seemed to notice the same thing, because he immediately backtracked. "Oh, _Merlin_, Lily, that's not what I meant, I swear—"

"I know, James," she said softly, giving him a smile. "I know. Would you give Sirius and I a moment please?" The way she asked, as if she was honestly looking for permission seemed to stump James, because he frowned. But Sirius knew—and he was _sure_ James knew as well—Lily would never ask permission to do what she thought was right. And apparently, whatever she wanted to discuss with him was something she thought was the right thing to do. So rather than continue a losing argument, James rolled his eyes and leaned forward to give Lily a quick kiss.

"See you at lunch," he said, making sure to give Sirius one last glare before walking away.

Sirius waited until James was out of sight before turning to Lily and raising an eyebrow. "Well? What is it?"

XXX

"Well, what is it?" Lily blinked, her thoughts on James and how she would later have to explain her reasoning to him. She looked at Sirius for a moment before realizing that she was supposed to be talking.

"Last week, out by the lake," she began tentatively, suddenly feeling awful, "I said a couple of very rude things to you. You were just trying to help, and I was just acting like, well, like a git." She opened her mouth to continue, but was shocked into silence by Sirius's laughter. He was holding his sides, bent over double, laughing as if there was no tomorrow.

"Y-you're mad!" he managed to say, tears actually forming in the corners of his eyes. Lily found herself torn between feeling rather hurt that he'd laugh at her apology, and glad that, apparently, it had never been necessary.

She could just imagine how smug James would be.

"Thanks?"

"You were upset, Lily. In shock, probably, and exhausted. I'm not going to hold that against you," Sirius said once his laughter had died down.

"But I had no right to say what I did—" she began, only to be cut off.

"Yes, you did. I was being a prat, thinking I could actually lecture you—"

"You were trying to help—"

"—but I didn't, did I?" Lily's mouth snapped shut, her response stuck in her throat. Sirius grinned. "Lily, James is right. You don't have to apologize to me, and you certainly don't need to feel as if you have to apologize for Kate." Lily felt her eyes widen.

"I never apologized for Kate," she said heatedly, not liking this topic at all. James had already given her enough grief about it. Sirius just grinned again, though it was in a self-satisfied manner, something Lily didn't appreciate at all.

"But you want to. You have this tendency to place all the blame on yourself, Lily. You blame yourself for Snape, for Kate, for James getting hurt, for your parents' deaths…shall I go on?" Lily opened and closed her mouth, too shocked to actually formulate a response—for a second time. "I don't know why, and I don't know when it started, but Lily," he paused there, giving her one of the saddest looks she had ever seen on his face, "you need to get over whatever it is." Without another word, without waiting for her to respond, Sirius turned and walked away—not even bothering to look back.

For a moment, Lily just stood there, unable to completely comprehend what had happened. Had Sirius—the person who jumped into any situation recklessly, who never thought _anything_ through— just given her sound advice?

Slowly, a small grin appeared on her face, and she began walking slowly towards the Great Hall to join James for lunch.

Perhaps he was right, though. She had immediately rejected that notion earlier, thinking that there was no way she put all that blame on her shoulders. However, thinking over what he had said now…well, it sounded alarmingly true.

She _did_ blame herself for Severus, and for James getting hurt. She blamed herself for her parents' deaths, for the way Petunia acted towards her, for the fact that Mary couldn't sleep alone in her own dormitory.

She blamed herself for what had happened last week.

So when did it start? The overwhelming need to place the blame on her own shoulders? The previous year? Fifth year?

Was it even sooner?

Lily shivered, not really appreciating Sirius's honesty for once. She suddenly felt unsure of herself, scared, and worried. It seemed to be one thing after another. Her mother's accident, Death Eaters attacking her home, Mr. Potter's admission that it was his fault, losing her magic, losing her memories, James nearly dying, Kate's betrayal…

She stopped walking and stared at one of the paintings on the wall, lost in thought. Would she one day look back at her time and Hogwarts and think about how ridiculous it was? Or would she crave for the relative simplicity once she was out in the real world, no longer sheltered by Hogwarts' walls?

Lily shook her head and was about to continue on her way when she heard a soft noise. Frowning, she looked around her, but there was no one there. Yet the noise continued, and it almost sounded like…sobbing.

"She went in there," said the woman in the painting Lily had been staring at, pointing to the door of an unused classroom. Frowning again, Lily stepped forward and knocked on the door before she opened it. The woman in the painting had not lied. A young girl—most likely a first year—was sitting on the dusty floor with her knees drawn up to her chest, sobbing. Though her dark hair covered most of her face, it could not hide the large bruise on the girl's cheek, or the blood that trickled from her chin.

"_Merlin_," Lily whispered, walking forward, surprised when the girl flinched. "I'm not going to hurt you, I swear." Each time Lily tried to reach her, the girl shuffled farther into the classroom, a look of pure fear in her blue eyes. Finally, Lily just stopped and kneeled. "All right, I won't come closer if you don't want me to. Do you know who I am?" The girl shook her head slowly. "My name is Lily Evans. I'm Head Girl. If you let me, I can help you."

"Why would you want to help me?" she asked, her voice surprisingly strong for such a small girl. Lily frowned in confusion.

"You're hurt."

"But you're a Gryffindor." Lily blinked, still not getting the point.

"Yes, I am a Gryffindor." The girl sat up a little straighter and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I'm in Slytherin. Why would you help me?" It was only then that Lily noticed the green on the girl's robes, and the crest on her chest. For a moment, she did nothing but stare, but then she let out a laugh.

"Why would I care what House you're in? You're hurt, so I'm going to help you." Lily stood up and began walking towards the girl, glad that this time, she did not shy away. "So, what's your name?"

"Jane." Lily smiled and knelt next to her, taking a quick look at her bruise.

"Well, Jane, do I have permission to help you?" Slowly, the girl nodded, and Lily gave her another smile before gently taking Jane's head in her hands, and examining the large bruise. It didn't seem serious—just a bruise and a cut lip—but she wanted Pomfrey to look at it anyway. While she was sure she could Heal the girl herself, she didn't trust herself enough. What if something happened like with the Potion she had brewed for Remus? What if she caused more harm than good? "This doesn't seem too bad. Let's take you to Madame Pomfrey, just to make sure, yeah?" The girl nodded hesitantly and Lily got to her feet, holding her hand out for the young Slytherin. There was a moment that Lily was sure the girl wouldn't take her hand, that she'd ignore it.

But then Jane took Lily's hand, a tiny smile appearing on her face.

Slowly, Lily led Jane out of the classroom and towards the Hospital Wing. She wondered who possibly could have hurt such an innocent child, and why anyone would want to. Her troubled feelings from before returned, this time coupled with an intense anger. There was no way she'd let the person who did this get away with it, she swore to herself.

"You know, I _do_ know you," Jane suddenly said, stopping for a moment to look up at Lily.

"Really?"

"Yeah. You're James Potter's girlfriend." Jane's cheeks flushed red, and she seemed a bit flustered. For her part, Lily was slightly miffed. Of _course_ she was known as James Potter's girlfriend. Not as the Head Girl, the idiot that lost her memories, or even that annoying muggleborn that helped get the Act repealed, but James Potter's girlfriend.

Yet, despite all those thoughts, Lily couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face.

"Yes, that's right," she said softly, her thoughts on James. They hadn't gotten along very well since the 'Incident,' and many of their disagreements had led to fights. She didn't know why James was trying to act as if nothing was wrong…

"Is he like what people say?" Jane asked, pulling Lily out of her thoughts.

"What do people say?"

"That he's funny. And," Jane looked a bit nervous, but she plowed on, "that he doesn't judge people."

"He is funny. But I don't know what you mean by judging people," Lily said, playing stupid to get the girl to actually speak up. Perhaps she'd even say what happened to her.

"I mean, well, he's dating _you_, right?" It was Lily's turn to stop, though it was out of shock. Jane was an eleven year old! Eleven year olds shouldn't be spouting out prejudicial nonsense, they should be thinking about what their favorite dessert is. They should be worried about nothing but games and having fun—not if they should judge someone based on blood. So it was with disgust that Lily responded.

"I don't know what you mean. Come along, I need to get you to Madame Pomfrey." Perhaps it was the curtness of her answer, or perhaps it was because she frightened Jane, but when Lily started walking again, Jane did not follow. "Don't you want the pain to go away?" Lily asked sadly, turning around and looking at the younger girl with a mixture of pity and weariness. Pity that she never even had the chance to be who _she_ wanted to be, and weariness because Lily was tired of seeing this day after day—watching as younger students were brainwashed by the older ones.

"I'm sorry," Jane said softly. "It's just—James must not care about blood if he's dating a muggleborn. I didn't mean it as anything bad." Lily didn't know if it was the fact that Jane used the word 'muggleborn' rather than 'mudblood' or if it was the fact that Jane looked…sad…that made her put her guard down.

"No. James doesn't care about blood. Do you?" To Lily's shock, several tears spilled from Jane's eyes, and she shook her head violently.

"My mum's a muggle. And I love her." She closed her eyes. "They say that muggles are beneath us. That they're no good. But my mum isn't like that. My cousins aren't like that. I don't understand…" Finally, the girl succumbed to tears, her silent sobs racking her small body. Lily looked at her for a moment, and then she took a deep breath before placing a hand on Jane's shoulder.

"Did other Slytherins do this to you? Did they?" She waited until Jane reluctantly nodded. "Who? Who was it?"

"I can't—they'd get angry—"

"Listen to me, Jane. They _hurt_ you. Are you really going to let them get away with it?" Jane opened her eyes and shook her head over and over again.

"I don't understand. It doesn't make sense." A part of her said that she had no right to say anything. A person's beliefs and ideals should come from themselves. No one had the right to try and sway others to what they thought was right. She wasn't going to sink to the level of those who were willing to brainwash children. She wasn't.

Lily looked Jane straight in the eyes. "I have a sister. Her name is Petunia, and she's only a few years older than me." Jane nodded and wiped at her eyes. "We were best friends when I was younger. But after I got my letter, she stopped talking to me. She calls me a freak because I can do magic."

"Why?"

"I'm different. When you're different, people have trouble accepting you. But she's also jealous. Jealous that she can't have what I have. So she lashes out. Do you understand? There's nothing wrong with your mum. She's different and people fear that."

"So they're wrong?"

"_I_ believe that my sister is wrong and those purebloods that hate muggles are wrong. What _you_ believe, though, has nothing to do with me or any Slytherin. If you think there's something wrong with muggles, then that's your choice." Jane frowned, and she shook her head.

"But there's nothing wrong with my mum or other muggles," she said, and Lily very nearly laughed.

"Yes. I agree." By unspoken consent, they walked the rest of the way to the Hospital Wing in silence. It seemed as if Jane wanted to process everything, and Lily didn't want to think at all. She had reached her quota for the day—she couldn't come up with ways to talk to Sirius, James, and Slytherins that were having an ethical breakdown all on the same day. Hell, she hadn't even managed to talk to Sirius because he had sprung that stupid 'Lily, you place all the burden on your shoulders' line on her.

She pushed that thought out of her head immediately, unwilling to dwell on it for even a second.

When they reached the Hospital Wing, Lily asked Jane if she wanted her to stay, but instead of responding, the Slytherin first year had just waved goodbye. Thinking that it was a clear dismissal, Lily turned and was about to leave, when she felt someone hug her tightly from behind.

"Thank you so much, Lily," Jane said. Without giving Lily the chance to respond, she rushed into the Hospital Wing. Smiling slightly, Lily headed towards the Great Hall, and five minutes later, when she joined James for lunch, she was still smiling.

And no matter how many times he asked her what had happened to cheer her up so much, Lily just shook her head and said, "You don't judge people, James. You don't judge."

XXX

"You're a fool if you think that You-Know-Who will leave you alone just because you 'stayed' out of his way," an angry Gryffindor, whose name James didn't know, yelled, glaring at the Hufflepuff who had made the stupid comment about 'staying out of the war.'

He watched impassively as the Hufflepuff opened his mouth to respond, and he suddenly felt very bored. Not even these fights were entertaining anymore.

At first, he had found them invigorating. Many Gryffindors had heard about Lily, Marlene, and Will, and several of them felt that if three muggleborns could get a whole Act repealed, then they could do something to help as well. So slowly things began to change. Whereas last year, if a Gryffindor saw someone being taunted by a Slytherin, they'd leave it alone, this year they stood up for the unlucky victim. If someone declared their support for what the Death Eaters did, Gryffindors made sure he wouldn't speak up again. And if someone was being a coward, well, the Gryffindors began calling them out on it.

Which, to be honest, was quite hypocritical of them.

James hadn't forgotten how the Gryffindors had cowered after the Act had been passed. He could clearly recall the day that the muggleborns had been sent those red letters, and he could still hear the Slytherins' taunting, and how the Gryffindors—hell, the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, too!—had responded with silence. He was glad that over the summer they had gathered their courage and remembered why they had been sorted into Gryffindor in the first place but he also worried if this newfound zeal would last.

Once a coward, always a coward.

At first, however, he hadn't had any of these unfavorable thoughts for his fellow Gryffindors. Rather, he felt proud whenever he'd see his Housemates standing up for the right thing. They were proving they deserved the red trim on their robes, and the lion on the crest on their chests.

But then he noticed they were spouting out nonsense. 'We need to stop the tyrant!' they yelled, but they were afraid to say Voldemort's name. 'Everyone with magic deserves to use it!' they cried. But they laughed at Peter—and others like him—whenever it took him too long to learn a new spell. They insulted Filch, made cruel jokes.

Things that James had once done himself.

He was sitting out on the grounds with Lily and Remus, both of whom were too absorbed in their homework to notice that the Hufflepuff had just pulled out his wand, and the Gryffindor was doing the same. For a moment, James wondered if it would be worth getting involved. What would he teach? That the Gryffindor was right and the Hufflepuff was wrong? Was it really so bad to want to keep your head down and live?

He looked at Remus for a moment, willing his friend to notice James's gaze and look up, but it was to no avail. There would be no help from the Head Girl or the Gryffindor Prefect.

Wordlessly, he stood and walked casually over to the two arguing boys, his wand already in his hand in case things went sour.

"Keep this up, and you're a goner!" the Gryffindor yelled. He couldn't have been older than fifteen. James felt a little bit of disgust…the boy was arrogant, full of ill-conceived notions, and was self-righteous to boot. He essentially was everything James had once been.

"Keep this up, and you'll be in detention," James said bluntly once he had reached them, his eyes focused on the Gryffindor.

"You can't be serious! _He's_ the one talking about not fighting You-Know-Who!" The Gryffindor pointed to the Hufflepuff, and the Hufflepuff just shook his head exasperatedly.

"I never said I didn't want to fight! I said that it may be a better idea not to get involved at this point. It's not like anything we do can stop him…" he trailed off, looking at the ground. Sighing, James shoved his wand back in his pocket. There would be no need for it.

"What're your names?" he asked, nodding towards the Hufflepuff to respond first.

"I'm Brian," he said slowly, his shaggy brown hair bouncing along with each word he spoke.

"Thomas," the Gryffindor said stiffly, as if it was unheard of that someone wouldn't know who he was.

"Well, Brian, Thomas, I suggest you stop arguing over Voldemort," both boys flinched, "and go back to your Houses. This is ridiculous anyway."

"But you agree with me, right James?" Thomas asked almost desperately. "Staying out of this fight is wrong."

"Yeah? That's what you think? Funny, I don't recall you being one of the few Gryffindors that defended the muggleborns last year. Stop embarrassing yourself, Thomas, and go back into the castle." James watched impassively as Thomas muttered a swear word under his breath and stalked off, his bag dragged along behind him. It took him several seconds to realize that Brian had not yet left.

"I never said I didn't want to fight," he said earnestly. "But I have family members who're muggles. I can't put them in danger." James nodded, but didn't respond. He turned on his heel and walked back to where Lily and Remus were still sitting, still engrossed in their textbooks, still looking as if nothing at all was happening around them—both at school and outside Hogwarts' walls.

XXX

"You know, MacDonald, when you talk, all I hear is this irritating buzzing," Sirius said through a mouthful of potatoes. Mary looked slightly disgusted, but she smiled casually.

"You're probably hearing your brain becoming overworked from actually having to process something," she said smoothly. Lily snorted in her pumpkin juice, hiding her grin when Sirius gave her a glare.

"You're not half as clever as you think you are," he said petulantly. Mary helped herself to more chicken and nodded.

"And yet, that still makes me _twice_ as clever as you." From down the table, Peter let out a laugh.

"That's two for two, Padfoot. She's got you thrashed."

"Shut it, Wormtail," Sirius said in mock anger. "She can't win them all."

"She's won them all this week," Peter pointed out, earning a laugh from James, and even a small grin from Remus. Lily expected Mary to continue the game she and Sirius had made up earlier that week, and was surprised when she turned away from Sirius to look at Lily instead.

"So Alice is coming back tonight?" she asked, probably for the hundredth time that day. Lily nodded and checked her watch.

"Dumbledore said she'd be back during dinner."

"Well, it's dinner and she's not back," Frank said from across the table, waving his arms wildly and knocking Sirius's juice over.

"Oi, Longbottom. I don't care how upset you are over Collins's two-week vacation, but you have really got to calm down. You're spoiling my dinner," he said, wiping his lap with a napkin before rolling his eyes and muttering a spell.

"Oh, I'm _so_ sorry. I'm sure I should be utterly relaxed despite the fact that Alice has been gone for two weeks, and _I don't even know where_!" Frank whispered furiously, his lips twitching slightly as he watched Sirius's troubles. From Sirius's other side, James shrugged.

"Lily did it to me over the summer," he said casually. Mary rolled her eyes, but Lily just ignored his comment, knowing he was trying to get a rise out of her so she'd speak to him. But she wasn't planning on speaking to him.

"While Sirius lacks tact, he's right. Stressing won't do you any good. Ask her where she's been when she arrives," Lily said gently, giving Frank a small smile. James let out a snort of disbelief, but once again, Lily ignored him.

After her run-in with Jane, Lily had done quite a bit of soul-searching, and she realized that she had completely forgotten an incredibly important detail: Just because someone is a Slytherin, it doesn't make them a bad person. When she had revealed her epiphany to James, he had just shaken his head and claimed he wanted to go fly around the Quidditch pitch.

At first, Lily had thought he disagreed with her, but she realized his behavior towards her—and everyone else—had been off since the 'Incident.' He kept trying to act as if nothing had happened, and would lash out whenever someone pointed out otherwise. Yet, once she and the others took his lead and stopped mentioning it—or anything concerning Voldemort, really—he had become cold and angry. He'd make snide remarks about how they didn't care, how they didn't notice what was right in front of them. It had gotten to a point that Lily didn't really want to spend time with him.

She supposed it had something to do with the fact that more and more Gryffindors were standing up to those who didn't want to fight Voldemort. Lily had appreciated this change in her Housemates until she realized that they weren't standing up to Slytherins like Regulus or Severus—_actual _supporters—but to those like Jane, kids who didn't agree with the pureblood mania yet feared for the lives of their loved ones. Since then, Lily had ignored all the so-called 'brave' Gryffindors, wondering if they knew they were just fooling themselves.

Lily had entertained the thought that James was angry because she had done that, but he had done the same exact thing—frankly, she was tired of his mood swings, and she had no desire to just bear them.

She'd talk to him again once he stopped blowing his top every five minutes.

"I'm sure Alice will have a very good explanation," Mary said suddenly, drawing Lily out of her thoughts. "She _better_ have a very good explanation," she added, almost menacingly.

"I _do_ have a good explanation," someone suddenly said. All of them looked up at once, and noticed Alice standing beside the Gryffindor table. She had bags under her eyes, looking as if she hadn't slept for days, but the grin on her face was wide and bright.

"Alice!" Lily and Mary cried at the same time, jumping up to give their friend a tight hug. They had been quite lonely without her.

"You look horrible," Mary said conversationally, making Alice frown slightly. Lily, however, found the whole situation utterly humorous, and she began to laugh.

"I was hard at wo—oh, shut it, Lily! It's not that funny!" Alice said, though her grin was still on her face.

"Look Longbottom! Collins returns!" Sirius yelled, forcing Remus to shush him. Suddenly, Alice's grin was gone, and she seemed distant.

"Frank," she muttered. He jerked his head in semblance of a nod, his face just as cold—no sign whatsoever that minutes ago he was knocking juice over in worry.

"Alice." They both then turned away from each other.

For the rest of dinner, Lily watched how Frank and Alice acted as if the other didn't even exist, and something in her chest began to ache. She didn't know anyone as in love as Frank and Alice—since they got together, people had placed bets on when the two of them would get married. They weren't just a couple, they were _the_ couple.

Lily turned her head towards James—who was silently staring at his plate with a blank face—and she felt the ache again. An irrational fear filled her. What if James's behavior had nothing to do with Voldemort? Or his worry over his mother? What if what happened to Alice and Frank was happening to them too?

As if her thoughts had willed James to look up, she suddenly noticed that she was staring straight into his eyes. She waited for any sort of reaction, hoping that his eyes would soften, or he'd give her a small smile. She'd even take a roll of his eyes! He had to do something…in one fluid movement, James just turned away, still utterly expressionless—as if she was nothing more than a dinner plate.

Lily continued to stare at him for a full minute before standing and walking away without a word to any of the others.

XXX

People said that fifth year was the hardest. His brother, Wesley, had always complained when he was a fifth year. Then again, Wesley complained about anything that involved more than an ounce of work—which was why it was quite surprising that he had made ten O.W.L.'s.

Before Brandon had boarded the train on September first, Wesley had pulled him aside and told him to only focus on the test. "Nothing else matters," he had said, giving Brandon a pat on the back and his favorite—and lucky—test-taking quill.

Quite frankly, that day at the train station, Brandon Wicks felt honored. He felt honored because his older brother had given him such a treasured gift. So Brandon had gathered all the Ravenclaw in him in order to do what his brother asked him to do: pass that test.

Of course, after getting back an essay from McGonagall, Brandon finally realized why he—of all the people in his family—hadn't been Sorted into Ravenclaw.

He had made a _T_! He hadn't even known you _could_ make a T. Didn't it stand for troll? Wesley never studied and he made all O's! How was it fair that out of a long line of Ravenclaws, it would be _Brandon_ to end up being a stupid Gryffindor?

For the millionth time that day, he dug through his bag and pulled out the essay, actual tears springing to his eyes. Wesley would be so disappointed…his parents would be so disappointed…and he'd done enough of that when he had been Sorted into Gryffindor, breaking family tradition.

He ran his fingers through his hair and wiped his eyes with his robes, suddenly not hungry. At first, he had thought he could go to the Great Hall and sit with his friends, see if that would cheer him up, but now he didn't have the stomach. What if they asked how he'd done? He didn't want to lie, and he didn't want to have to hide his score…

Yes, best not to go to dinner at all. He'd just go to the tower, and maybe go to bed early tonight, figure out what to tell his brother and parents tomorrow…

Brandon turned on his heel and started back up the steps, all the while thinking hard about how he could have made such atrocious mistakes. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't hear the cries until he was halfway up the stairs to the third floor.

Curious, and perhaps a bit foolishly, he walked back down towards the second floor, listening as the cries got louder.

"You filthy mudblood-lover," someone was saying from further down the corridor. Brandon's brain screamed at him to turn around. This was not his fight—this was not his problem. "Nothing else matters," Wesley had said. This didn't matter. But his legs weren't listening to his brain. He let his bag slide off his shoulder and hit the floor with a soft thud, his hand clenching his wand tightly as he walked towards the voices.

"The Dark Lord _despises_ mudblood-lovers, Price. Do you really want to get on the Dark Lord's bad side?" Brandon's blood ran cold. He _knew_ Owen Price! The boy was in his year, a Hufflepuff.

"J-just stop, please," Brandon heard Owen beg. _Nothing else matters_. The words rang in his head, but he ignored it thoroughly.

Like hell nothing else mattered.

With a determination he had never felt before, Brandon ran towards where the voices were coming from. He didn't know the person who was standing over Owen with a wand in his hand, but at that moment, Brandon didn't care.

"Leave Owen alone!" he yelled as he came to a stop, his wand held out in front of him, a rush filling his entire body. The stranger turned around, and Brandon recognized him as a seventh year Slytherin—though his name eluded Brandon. Patricks?

"Leave him alone?" the Slytherin said, laughing. "Sure. _If_ you can make me." Brandon stood strong, staring at the infinitely taller boy, and pushing back any fear he felt.

"I'm serious. Leave Owen _alone_."

"Do you know who you're messing with?" the Slytherin sneered, giving him a distasteful look. Brandon thought of all the times he had seen James Potter taunt the Slytherins, and he decided, well, who better to imitate?

"An idiot?" he said with a smirk, running his fingers through his hair lazily. The Slytherin roared in anger and yelled out a strange-sounding spell, catching Brandon by surprise. He barely had time to duck before the Slytherin rammed into him, shoulder first, both of them falling to the ground.

For a moment, he couldn't breathe—both because of the fall and because the Slytherin smelled truly horrid. Without really thinking, Brandon thrust his wand into the Slytherin's stomach, muttering the worst jinx he could think of.

"Argh!" the older boy yelled, rolling off of him, clutching the stings that had erupted all over his abdomen—something Brandon was quite glad he couldn't see. Deciding this was a good time to take advantage of the Slytherin's preoccupation, Brandon rushed towards Owen and helped him up.

"Run! Go get someone!" he said quickly, shoving his classmate when it seemed he was too shocked to move. Brandon made to follow him when he felt something clutch his ankle.

"I don't think so," the Slytherin said, his eyes full of hatred and anger. For the first time, Brandon felt a surge of fear, and his hands began to shake—nearly making him drop his wand. "I'm going to make you regret the day you were born, _mudblood_."

_Nothing else matters_.

"My name is Brandon Wicks, you disgusting excuse for a human. And _you_ can't make me regret anything," he spat. Gathering all his strength, Brandon pulled his leg out of the older boy's tight grasp, and yelled out the spell he should have begun with: "_Stupefy!_" He could hear footsteps from behind him, but he ignored it and leaned down, making sure he was staring straight into the Slytherin's eyes. "Failing an essay is much worse than anything _you_ could do. And this 'Dark Lord' of yours? You can tell him I'm on his bad side." Then with another James Potter smirk and a ruffle of his hair, Brandon straightened and turned around, noticing that he had attracted quite a crowd.

He was embarrassed when he heard someone from the back start clapping, and pleasantly surprised when the Head Girl gave him a wide, bright smile. He grinned back, his cheeks heating up when several of his friends began chanting his name.

What he didn't know was that, in the next few days, all anyone would talk about was the young Gryffindor that had humiliated a known Dark Arts sympathizer—and possible future Death Eater. How he had leaned down and said something no one had dared to say: That he was completely against You-Know-Who.

He didn't know that in the days to come, people would refer to him as the boy who thought failing an essay was worse than anything else. That back at home, his parents and brother bragged to everyone they met that they had a son—a brother—at Hogwarts with a Ravenclaw's brain, and more importantly, a Gryffindor's bravery.

XXX

Albus smiled and leaned back in his chair as Minerva explained the incident that had occurred during dinner earlier that night. He had heard of Brandon Wicks—his older brother had been Head Boy when he was at Hogwarts—and he had always thought well of him. While he did not favor Wicks as he did Frank Longbottom or James Potter, he did feel he had misjudged the boy.

Who would have thought that it would be quiet, studious Brandon Wicks that spurred the rest of the school?

For several weeks now, he had to listen to Phineas make snide remarks about how cowardly Gryffindors were, so it was gratifying to see him proven wrong. And to think it only took one student's actions…

He smiled again.

XXX

For the first time in ages, Lily Evans was utterly happy.

This wasn't to say that James had stopped his strange behavior—if anything, he had gotten quite a bit worse—and it wasn't like Mary had stopped sneaking into her room at nights, often accompanied by Alice. Frank still acted stoically towards the girl he once wanted to marry, and Remus refused to speak more than a few words at a time. Hell, she had even completely failed an Arithmancy assignment.

But for a moment, she was happy.

Perhaps it was because Gryffindor and Hufflepuff had a Quidditch match the next day, and James was warmer towards her and the others than he usually was. Perhaps it was the fact that she had mastered a difficult charm earlier that day, much to the pleasure of Professor Flitwick. Or maybe it was just the fact that she had been able to sleep peacefully the night before, and actually felt rested.

Honestly, _why_ she was happy didn't matter. The fact that she could still feel the emotion was enough.

Sighing, Lily leaned her head back, pondering why in the world she was happy.

"Oh, _Merlin_, not you, too!" she heard Sirius say from behind her. Lily turned and frowned.

"What?"

"I don't understand why everyone's so unhappy all the time. I mean, I can't even remember the last time Remus or James laughed." Lily smiled at Sirius and pointed to the armchair next to hers, gesturing for him to sit down.

"I'm not unhappy," she said pleasantly.

"That's odd."

"Why?" she asked, feeling a little offended. Then again, she was too happy to actually call Sirius out on it.

"Well, c'mon Lily, you're like the _president_ of the unhappy club," he pointed out, wincing slightly as he said it. For a moment she just stared at him, unable to believe that he had said such a thing. He must have taken her silence as anger because he immediately backtracked. "Not that _I_ think anything like that. It's just, well, bad things tend to happen to you a lot, and you're always brooding, and it was James who said it in the first place, not me!" Lily took in that last bit of information, but was unwilling to think about it at that moment. Instead, she started laughing, shocking Sirius judging by the size of his eyes.

"President of the unhappy club," she repeated through her laughter. For a moment, Sirius stared at her uncertainly, as if he wasn't sure whether to laugh with her or not do anything at all in case the entire thing was a trap, but then he chuckled and shook his head.

"Between you and James, I don't know who's changed more," he said, still laughing. He had obviously intended his comment to be light—just a general observation he had made—but Lily sat up straighter and stared at him seriously.

"What d'you mean?" she asked quickly, her lightheartedness from before gone. Sirius didn't notice because he shrugged and chuckled again.

"James…broods. It's how you used to be, back in fifth year. You know, you'd spend hours on end alone, refusing to talk to any of us." She felt her eyes widen.

"Do you know what's wrong? Has he said anything? Is his mother alright?" Sirius gave her an odd look.

"I don't know, Evans," he said. Then he gave her an ugly look before asking, "Why the hell don't you know, though?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're his girlfriend!"

"And you're his best mate!" The two of them stared at each other for a minute before they slumped back into their respective chairs, looking rather defeated.

"We're horrible friends," Sirius muttered.

"No wonder he's been so angry lately," Lily agreed. She looked at Sirius and then punched him as hard as she could in the arm.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"Damn you, Sirius. I'm not happy anymore." He laughed in response.

"Welcome back, _president_." Lily just glared at him.

XXX

Remus looked up at the night sky, relieved by what he saw. He had time till the next full moon. He had time.

"Remus?" He looked up, surprised to see Alice standing next to him, looking slightly nervous. He turned away from the window so he could face her properly.

"Yeah?"

"D'you have a minute?" Though confused by her odd behavior—she had never asked him if he minded being interrupted—he nodded. "I need your help."

"What for?"

"Well, you see, tomorrow an article will be on the front page of the _Daily Prophet_, and I need you to make sure Frank doesn't see it." She smiled far too brightly for someone who had innocent intentions, so he frowned.

"What's going on, Alice?" he asked her. She blushed.

"I was with the Aurors!" she said frantically. "They're looking to recruit people straight from Hogwarts rather than forcing them to go to the Academy first and I was chosen!" There was a little excitement in her voice, but then, her eyes became downcast and she looked depressed.

"So why can't Frank know?"

"He doesn't want me to be an Auror. He claims it's dangerous. But I was _chosen_. And I'm going to do this. I will."

"So if you're so sure, why hide it?" Alice ran her fingers through her dark hair and she seemed close to shouting—obviously she didn't appreciate all his questions. Instead, she took a deep breath and shrugged.

"He's Frank. I thought if I kept this from him, well, maybe—"

"—he'd stop ignoring you and the two of you would be fine again?" Remus finished for her. She nodded almost miserably, and Remus gave her a small smile.

"Sure. I'll try and hide it from him. But you know he'll find out soon enough, right?" Alice looked a bit defeated at his words, and she just shook her head.

"I wish he'd see reason." The words made Remus's eyes widen, and he felt he could understand Alice's troubles. After all, wasn't he wishing his friends would see reason as well? See that he should be left alone?

Perhaps what she wanted and what he wanted differed a little bit—or quite a bit—but at the end of the day, who was he to deny his friend help? James and the others had put aside their own personal feelings to help him, so he'd put his own belief that Alice and Frank should just talk aside to help her do what she thought was best.

Besides, he was lonely, and he had never been a close enough friend to Alice to cause her any pain through his lycanthropy.

She'd make a lovely companion, he thought. Not a friend, though. All he managed to do was hurt his friends. And he'd had quite enough of that.

XXX

"Hello James!" Lily said pleasantly, as she flopped down next to him, purposefully knocking over the book that he was reading. He looked at her, finding it difficult to hide his amusement. But he managed.

"What d'you want, Lily?" he asked, feigning weariness. It wasn't that he didn't want her there. He did—he desperately did. But the moment he thought about just how _much_ he needed her with him all the time, he felt angry and scared. And it made him lash out.

Lily, of course, seemed unfazed by his tone and his look. She had seemed irritated by his behavior at first, but soon she just ignored it, or she seemed not to care. At that moment, she was grinning—obviously opting to ignore his bad mood. She scooted closer to him, making him feel slightly uncomfortable as they were on his bed, and he couldn't keep up his fake bad mood with her pressed up against him like she was…

"It's not about what I want, but what _you_ want," she said with another grin. James nearly groaned.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked her, forcing in as much impatience in his voice as he could. Apparently, however, Lily noticed the slight waver in his voice. Her eyes sparkled with mirth and without warning she pressed her lips to his.

"Sirius and I have something to give you," she said softly the moment she pulled away. Suddenly, James realized his thoughts had been totally off, and he leaned his head back, trying to push away his disappointment. "What, James?" Lily asked, and he could _hear_ the grin in her voice. She had known exactly what she was doing.

"I'm mad at you," he muttered, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice, and also unable to fake any real anger. Lily gave him another—though quick—kiss and she smiled.

"I'm sorry for teasing. I just wanted you to get your guard down."

"And you thought this was the best way?"

"Well it worked, didn't it?" Lily said with a slight laugh. He wondered for a moment if he should even pretend that he was upset, but she was so close and he could smell that flowery scent he always associated with her, and frankly, he just wanted to kiss her. He was just about to lean in when Lily got off the bed and headed towards the door. "Come on, Sirius has something he owes you."

"Really? _Really_?" Lily's answering smile was brilliant.

"Frankly, the way you've acted towards me lately, I'm not sure if you don't deserve worse." Though her tone was light, he could hear hurt in her voice, and immediately he was filled with guilt. He wondered if he should tell her what had caused his attitude—he wondered if _he_ even knew what was wrong with him. Instead, he got to his feet and smiled, walking towards the common room with her.

"Let's go see what he owes me."

"I think you'll like it."

"Really?"

"Oh yes."

"I doubt I'll like it as much as what we _could_ be doing."

"I think you need stop pushing your luck, mister."

"I think the both of you should stop!" Sirius said, pretending to gag. Lily let out a laugh, and James put his arm around her shoulders, winking at Sirius.

"So? What's going on?" James asked, looking from the grinning Lily to Sirius's look of mock pain.

"I asked Remus and Peter to be here for this historic event, but Remus said no and Peter said he was busy—though _Merlin_ only knows with what." He paused and looked at Lily for a moment. "Remus is our next target, Wit."

"Oh, yes. Definitely. I already have plans for him."

"Poor bloke," Sirius commented, causing James to frown. What in the world were the two of them going on about? Before he could ask, Sirius turned back to him and he dug through his pockets.

"James, a little more than two years ago, I made a bet with you. I said that Lily Evans would never accept to go on a date with you. It seems, however, I was wrong." He looked at Lily and narrowed his eyes. "Thanks for that, by the way," he muttered.

"My pleasure," Lily responded. Rolling his eyes, Sirius continued.

"Anyway, as the Marauder's Code clearly dictates, Any And All Bets Made By A Marauder Must Be Honored Lest The Marauder Wishes To Suffer Eternal Shame." James nodded knowingly, but Lily let out a snort.

"I can't believe the four of you actually wrote that rubbish," she said. Sirius and James gave her shocked looks.

"You're an honorary Marauder, Lily!" James said hurriedly. "You can't call the Code rubbish. You have to follow it just as we do." Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Alright?" she said hesitantly. James turned to Sirius and shook his head.

"She just doesn't get it."

"It's the 'honorary' thing."

"I suppose one is born a Marauder," James agreed.

"Sirius, just get to the point!" Lily suddenly said, obviously impatient. He scowled, but he did as she said.

"Anyway, James. I bet twenty galleons that Lily Evans would never go out with you. Well, you and Lily are officially dating, and apparently Lily has not been Imperioused or force-fed love potions. So," he dug through his pockets again, and pulled out a handful of gold. "Here you go." James grinned as he took the money from Sirius, now fully understanding why he said it was a historic event earlier. Sirius never paid up if he could help it…

"Well, it turns out I did like this, Lily," he said, turning to her as he slowly put the gold in his own pocket, making sure Sirius was watching.

"I knew you would," she answered smugly.

"Yeah, I like it even better than what we _could_ have been doing," he said. The smug look on her face was gone to be replaced by a frown.

"You know what? You're a prat." She pulled away from him, obviously trying to hold back a grin. "I'll leave you two boys to discuss your silly Code, shall I?"

Both Sirius and James placed their hands over their hearts, giving her a look of mock offense.

XXX

Frank opened the drawer of his bedside table and pulled out the only object it held. It was a small box that contained one of the most important things in his life. Obviously, the object itself was of no importance; rather, it was what it represented that made it so important. It symbolized his readiness to commit himself entirely to one person, it symbolized his love for that one person.

It had once symbolized his belief that he could get through anything with that one person.

Had someone asked him weeks ago if he and Alice were ever going to get over this rough patch, he'd probably shake his head. Anger, hurt, and confusion as to why she wouldn't listen had blinded him. He couldn't understand why she'd put her life on the line.

But days of thinking, of reflecting, made him see how insanely stupid he was being. He had known who Alice was. He had fallen in love with _this_ girl, this independent, intelligent, fierce girl. It should never have been of any surprise that she wanted to be an Auror as well.

He should never have said that she shouldn't be one.

Frank knew it was late, he knew that this probably wasn't a good time, but he didn't care. He shoved the box into his pocket and went to search for Alice Collins. He was a man on a mission.

He was going to ask the girl he loved to marry him.

**Hey!**

**Sorry about the long wait. Thanks again to Kirsty for the edit, and to everyone who reads, reviews, puts it on alert, etc. **

**So, apparently October is Jily month, and although I really, really am not sure about this chapter (it was a really tough one to write), I thought I'd update anyway. So sorry if it's weird and awful, and shorter than it normally is, but it's Jily month. I had to update. Honestly. It's, like, a rule. Also, happy Halloween! **

…**And I know James's behavior is weird and annoying, but bear with me. It'll make sense soon. **

**Oh, since I'm not sure if I said this already: I'm nearly done with this story. I don't think there should be more than five or six chapters left. I can't say for sure how many more chapters are left because sometimes when I write it flows easily, and sometimes—like with this chapter—it's like swimming against a current, or continuously banging your head against the wall. But expect at least five more chapters. Also, since the idea of a sequel seemed popular, that's what I'm going to do. So yeah, hope this news makes someone happy (and perhaps compels you to also review? Hint. Hint.) **

**Anyway, I hoped you liked the chapter! I'm going back to banging my head against the wall, because twenty-eight seems to be just as hard to write as this one…**


	28. The Greatest Magic of All

Chapter Twenty-eight- The Greatest Magic of All

Marlene pressed her back against the wall, and leaned slightly to the right, poking her head into the corridor. Immediately, she saw a flash of green light fly towards her, and she ducked back.

"How many?" Sean asked from her left, his wand held out in front of him as if it were a sword. She rolled her eyes.

"I don't know," she said flatly, giving him a glare.

"Then move so I can take a look."

"Oh, because you're _so_ much more talented than me at sticking your head into the corridor without getting hit by a curse?" Sean sighed dramatically.

"Do you really want to have this argument again, _now_?" he asked her, shaking his head. Marlene kicked him in the shins, almost grinning when he cursed under his breath and bent over to rub it furiously.

"You said I couldn't cook!" she whispered heatedly. Sean looked up at her, rolling his eyes.

"First of all, that _hurt_, Marlene. What's wrong with you? And secondly, I never said you couldn't cook, I merely said—"

"This is a mission for the Order, not a couple counseling session!" Moody barked, interrupting Sean. Marlene gave the older wizard a glare, but she turned back to the corridor, leaning out slightly again.

"_Stupefy!_" she yelled, grinning when she heard a thud. She hadn't missed.

For weeks, the Order had been trying to figure out why the random attacks on muggles had ceased, why it seemed as if Voldemort had completely vanished. At first they had assumed that he was reeling from the loss of the Muggleborn Act, something that Dumbledore was sure was Voldemort's idea. But then there had been that incident in Hogwarts, and it became clear that something else was going on.

As Dumbledore said at the last Order meeting, sometimes it was best to draw back and regroup before unleashing your next attack. It was their job to make sure Voldemort failed when he did just that.

It was really quite lucky that they even learned of this manor. It belonged to one of the old pureblood families—Marlene didn't know and didn't care to find out _which_—and rumors had been flying that Voldemort was using it as a temporary headquarters of sorts. Though, with all the protective spells that surrounded the area, it was clear from the start that they would have no way of getting in to find out what was going on. Of course, that was before Dorcas Meadowes stumbled in on a conversation between two known Death Eaters and managed to learn a very important piece of information: There was a weak spot in the wards around the manor, and with a few simple spells, anyone could get in. Moody was immediately suspicious, but even he agreed that the risk was worth what they could gain: an insight to Voldemort's plans.

So Marlene, Sean, and Moody had been chosen to be the small group that snuck into the manor. And, as it turned out, Moody was right; it had been a trap. Masked Death Eaters had swarmed around them, and it was due to talent, and a great deal of luck, that they managed to find refuge in the manor itself.

But now they were surrounded.

"Check again, Marlene," Sean hissed, and she rolled her eyes even as she moved to do as he asked. She checked the corridor, nearly sighing with relief when she realized it was clear. Nodding to Moody and Sean, she stepped into the corridor, her wand held out in front of her as she walked forward warily. "It's the Death Eater you Stunned," Sean muttered from close behind her, pointing to a spot several feet in front of them.

"Who is it? Maybe we can use him to figure out Voldemort's plans," Moody grunted. Marlene stepped closer and pulled the Death Eater's mask off. It took only a single glance at the pale face she had uncovered for all the air to leave her lungs.

"I don't think that'll be necessary, Alastor," she said softly, staring down at the Death Eater. Sean reached out and grabbed her hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

"What are you talking about?" Moody said harshly, stepping forward and pushing them both out of the way. Marlene watched as his eyes widened before he ran his fingers through his grizzled hair and let out a deep breath. "We need to get back to Albus. This is a serious problem."

"What about—" Marlene began, but Moody shook his head angrily.

"Leave her. It'll be hard enough for us to get out of here alive without having to lug her out with us." For a moment, Marlene actually considered arguing. Apparently, Sean noticed because he shook his head.

"I think she'll understand," he said, placing his other hand on her shoulder. Marlene nodded, but even as they rushed off, her thoughts were on Lily, and how she was sure the redhead would never forgive her for what she had just done.

XXX

Millicent Bagnold leaned her head against her chair, looking as if the weight of the world had just been placed on her shoulders. Albus supposed, in a way, that it had.

He, the Minister, Sean, and Marlene had gathered in the Minister's office, all four of them looking as if they would have preferred to be fast asleep in bed rather than standing in the plain office, discussing Voldemort. Only Alastor had managed to get out of the meeting, claiming he had to go tell the other Order members about what they had learned.

"You do know this 'secret' organization of yours is illegal and not at all sanctioned by the Ministry, don't you, Albus?" she said wearily, giving him a look. Albus smiled genially.

"Come now, Millicent. How about we drop all pretenses and discuss the matter at hand?" She looked at him and nodded sadly.

"Fine. So, what did the Order learn that seems to be so utterly important that you dragged me to the Ministry in the middle of the night?" She was bitter, and Albus nearly laughed. He remembered Millicent as a student. She had been a vivacious Ravenclaw, constantly looking for answers, her thirst for knowledge insatiable. Seeing her now, looking as if all the life had been drained out of her, made him feel an intense guilt. Perhaps had he been more careful, had he watched Tom more, had he paid closer attention, none of this would have happened.

"Minister, we infiltrated the manor Voldemort is using as headquarters," Sean said, one hand holding onto his wife, the other tightened into a fist.

"And?"

"We've assumed that Voldemort's been laying low for the past several weeks," Sean answered, looking a bit frustrated. He had good reason, though, Albus reasoned, turning slightly so that he could see his former student more clearly. "But we came across proof that he hasn't been laying low. We have reason to believe that the Dementors have turned." Albus expected Millicent to immediately disagree, to show that she clearly opposed such an accusation. He did not expect her to sigh, close her eyes, and shake her head sadly.

"I had…hoped…I could keep this quiet longer," she said softly, opening her eyes and looking at Albus carefully. "Go ahead, tell me you told me so. I know you want to."

"I would never say such a thing," he answered, bowing his head slightly. Millicent snorted.

"What happened to dropping all pretenses, Albus?" She gave him a sardonic smile before shaking her head. "After you managed to convince the Wizengamot with the _Videranimae _spell, I received a message of sorts. It warned me that the Ministry would pay for repealing the Act, that it would be _my_ fault. Two weeks later, I learned that the Dementors were acting oddly." Albus closed his eyes and thought hard, trying to think about what had occurred two weeks after Lily, Marlene, and Will had pulled off the spell.

"What do you mean by oddly?" he asked, but his question was drowned out by Sean's.

"If you knew they were turning, why not replace them with Aurors?" he demanded. Millicent's eyes flashed with anger.

"Mr. McKinnon, don't you think I've done _everything_ within my power to keep our world safe? I have to keep the muggles in the dark, I have to protect our kind, and I have to be sure that our prisoners remain in Azkaban. We don't have the manpower—"

"You have a whole department of Aurors! Of course you have the manpower!"

"A _whole_ department of Aurors? Are you that daft? The Ministry's been infiltrated! Half the people you see are either under an Unforgivable or they're being threatened. The others are pureblood maniacs who actually support Voldemort! Don't you get it? I'm doing _everything_ I can. _Everything_."

"No one doubts that, Millicent. I think what Sean is asking is why not replace the Dementors guarding Azkaban with Aurors?" Albus asked, trying to salvage the situation somewhat. It would do them no good to get on the Minister's bad side.

"I can't risk my Auror's lives for a lost cause, Albus," she sighed. "They would've escaped eventually, anyway. Having Aurors killed needlessly would have been pointless." Sean opened his mouth angrily, but Marlene put a hand on his shoulder, speaking for the first time.

"So we know Voldemort just got back any Death Eaters we've managed to catch. All this is well and good, and we can think of what to do later. Right now, I have a question for you, Dumbledore." He nodded slightly, waiting for Marlene to continue. "Who's going to tell Lily and her friends that Katherine Knight escaped from Azkaban?"

"I'm afraid the answer to that question is simple. We're not going to tell any of them. In fact, this whole thing must be kept under wraps." Millicent seemed stern, and her tone indicated she would brook no argument.

"I think the Minister is right, Marlene. If word got out that there's been a break out, and the Dementors no longer guard the prisoners of Azkaban, there would be mass panic," Sean said reasonably. Marlene let out a mirthless laugh.

"Because we're not there yet?" she asked sarcastically before sweeping out of the Minister's office, Sean hot on her heels.

Millicent turned to Albus and she gave him her first true smile of the night. "I see you've found some very fine men and women to work for your," here she raised an eyebrow, "_illegal_ Order." Albus chuckled and nodded; he turned to look at the door that Marlene and Sean had just exited.

"Yes. I have indeed."

XXX

"I'm going to kill you, Lupin," he said fiercely, actually growling. Remus put his hands in the air, staring at him with wide eyes.

"I know you're upset, Frank. But think carefully. Are you actually upset with me?" Frank didn't even blink.

"Yes! I am!" he yelled. Remus frowned. Funny, it always worked on Sirius and James…

"Look, I'm _sorry_, but she asked me for a favor. What was I supposed to tell her?"

"You should have said no! What's going on between me and Alice has nothing to do with you," Frank said angrily, actually shoving Remus slightly.

"I never say no when my friends come to me for help. _Never_." Perhaps it was the way Remus said it, or maybe it was the fact that his face was flushed with anger, but Frank finally backed down, taking several steps back. He was shaking his head, as if he just realized what he had done.

"I'm sorry for shoving you," he muttered, letting out a sigh and sitting on his bed. Remus straightened his robes, and was about to give Frank a piece of his mind before he decided against it. The boy just looked so…well, defeated.

"I'm sorry, too," Remus muttered, not meaning it at all.

After Alice had asked him for a favor, there had been several moments that Remus had wondered if he was doing the right thing. He had heard from Sirius that Lily and James were on the rocks, and everyday Peter seemed to talk less and less. He knew that he was needed, and he knew that it would be incredibly easy to knock some sense into Lily and James, but he focused on Alice's issues instead.

He had just started getting used to being alone. Rushing off to help his friends would do him no good. After all, how was he supposed to protect them from his disease if he couldn't even stay away from them?

Then there was Peter. Though Remus had pretended not to notice, every now and then he would see Peter give Lily some kind of glare. It was as if he was actually upset with her. He did plan on getting to the bottom of _that_ nonsense. Of course, that was if Alice and Frank would stop playing their dreadful game of cat and mouse.

"It's not like she kept it from you to hurt you. She just wanted to break the news to you slowly."

"Oh, yeah, seeing it plastered all over the front page of the _Prophet_ sure broke the news slowly. Besides, why are you defending her?" Remus opened his mouth to answer, but then realized he _had_ no answer. Why was he defending Alice? It wasn't as if he thought what she had done was right. And Frank had always been a closer friend to him than Alice—after all, didn't he _try_ to make sure he and Alice were nothing more than 'comrades?' Remus frowned slightly, speechless. It seemed Frank had taken Remus's silence for something horrible, because he shook his head sadly, as if greatly disappointed. "Maybe I'm just mad," he muttered, his hand going into his pocket, obviously fiddling with the ring he planned to propose to Alice with. "Maybe Alice and I shouldn't be together." Remus blinked and then let out a snort.

"That is by far the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," he said through his laughter, "and I'm best mates with Sirius Black." Frank's eyes flashed dangerously.

"And why should I listen to you? You're the one trying to rip us apart!"

"Rip you apart? Listen, mate, I was _helping_. She thought you'd get upset if you found about the Auror thing, and she wanted to keep it from you so you'd actually speak with her! Besides, she asked nicely. I wasn't going to say no." Frank glared at him for a moment, but then his shoulders slumped.

"I'm sorry—again. I'm not actually cross with you. It's just…I wanted to propose—and she doesn't trust me!" Remus took a step closer to Frank and hesitantly patted him on the back, wondering if Frank would suddenly lash out again.

"She trusts you. She does. The two of you just need to talk. All of this is just a misunderstanding." _Unlike James and Lily,_ he thought bitterly. Now, _there_ was a fiasco.

"You think?" Frank asked, sounding and looking far too much like a five-year-old for Remus's comfort.

"Of course. Go on. Talk to her. Let _her_ talk, too. Discuss. Then propose." Frank nodded with each sentence, looking like he was a man searching for a lifeline. Honestly, the whole thing unnerved Remus.

When Jennifer had broken things off with him, he had been rather devastated. It was just another thing his lycanthropy had taken away from him, another thing that was ruined because he was a monster. He had seen the fear and the disgust in her eyes, and that had hurt him—made him feel as if he had been stabbed in the chest. But then he actually stopped to think about his relationship with Jennifer.

He always had this rather _romantic_ view of love. He felt that it was something more than just caring about one another. No, love was absolute devotion. It was passion and compromise. It was sweet, yet difficult. And after it was made clear to him that he'd always be treated differently because of his affliction, something new had been added to his list: love was acceptance.

All that thinking made him realize he did not love Jennifer, though perhaps, if given time, he could have.

He so desperately wanted what Lily and James had and yet so carelessly treated. He dreadfully wanted what Frank had with Alice—something they had been close to throwing away over a petty disagreement.

Remus wasn't ungrateful, and he wasn't selfish. He realized he had extraordinary friends and a family that loved him unconditionally. But he wanted to fall in love, and he wanted someone to fall in love with him. He wanted to care for someone so much that he'd fight for them. Fight to win their heart.

But despite wanting it—wanting to feel that horrifyingly complex emotion—he also knew he would never go after it. He knew there was nothing that could make him willingly put someone else in danger.

Besides, no one would ever fall in love with a werewolf.

He was resigned to his own fate, but that didn't mean he couldn't live vicariously through his friends. So perhaps that was why he had taken such an interest in Alice and Frank's troubles. Or why he wanted so desperately to smack Lily and James.

"I'm going to go propose!" Frank suddenly said. Remus rolled his eyes.

"Remember, talk first. Discuss. _Then_ propose." Frank blinked.

"Oh, right. Of course," he muttered distractedly. "Talk. Propose. Talk. _Then_ propose."

"Good boy," Remus said patronizingly, his bitterness getting the best of him. "Off you go." If Frank noticed the tone, he seemed not to care. He smiled brightly at Remus before actually giving him a tight hug. Then, without another word, he rushed out of the boys' dormitory, obviously going to find Alice.

Remus went over to his bed and sat down heavily. Without really caring what it looked like, he pulled out a large chunk of Honeydukes chocolate from his trunk and began to eat it, thinking this was as good a breakfast as any.

XXX

"Lily? Can we talk?" Had it been anyone else, she probably would have just ignored the question and continued reading her book. She was comfortable; she was sitting in her favorite armchair, the fire was roaring, and the common room was peaceful for once. And her book was _so_ fascinating. When Dumbledore had first given it to her last year, she had only skimmed over the parts that pertained to her. But now, as she read it carefully, she realized what a treasure the Headmaster had given her.

But it was _James_ who wanted to talk to her, and she was sure there was a rule somewhere that stated good girlfriends always bothered to listen to their silly boyfriends. And if there wasn't, Sirius would probably just add it to the bloody 'Code.'

She looked up to see that James was standing nervously, looking as if he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Had she not been so upset with him, she might have actually laughed.

You would have thought that after all the trouble she went through to get Sirius to pay off his debts, James would try to be normal again. That he'd talk to her, spend time with her as he had once done. But it only took a single day for him to go back to his sullen mood and his horrid treatment of her, and Lily was tired. Every now and then, she'd blame herself for his behavior before furiously shaking her head and forcing herself to stop.

Frankly, she was exhausted.

"Sure." A part of her thought he was going to finally end whatever they had together, and she felt a bit saddened. It had been quite a while since there was any semblance of a relationship, and she assumed he was tired of the charade they put on as well. If she was honest with herself, she had been expecting him to do this a long time ago and had only dallied because he wanted her to bring it up first. But she had no desire to break up with him, and if he was so unhappy, well dammit, he could pluck up his courage and talk.

A much greater part of her feared his words and wished he'd dally just a bit longer.

"I got a letter from home a while back," he said slowly, pulling out a crumpled looking piece of paper from his pocket. "I didn't know what to make of it. I still don't, really. Could you help me?" Lily raised an eyebrow, watching as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other, his brow crinkled nervously, and his glasses slipping so far down his nose that she was sure it was about to fall off. She held her hand out for the letter, but rather than read it, shoved it in her own pocket before turning back to her book.

"You have some nerve, James Potter, to come asking for my help when you've barely looked at me for days," she said angrily, her eyes on her book, though she was focused on him. James let out a strangled noise and sat on the armchair next to hers. He leaned forward, his elbows propped up on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him.

"You don't understand," he said simply. Lily's eyes flashed up to him, her anger getting the best of her.

"You're damn right I 'don't understand'! It's because _you_ won't let me in. _You_ won't talk to me!"

"What do you think I'm doing right now?" he demanded. Lily laughed, but it sounded cold to her ears, and she could tell that it had surprised James as well. She slammed her book shut, hating that he had interrupted her reading and comfort, hating that he _still_ wasn't going to actually talk to her.

Hating that she couldn't tell him how much it bothered her when he pushed her away.

"I have to go, James. I promised Alice and Mary I'd go to dinner with them." Without bothering to wait for a response, she left, hating that whatever was bothering James was something she was unable to fix.

XXX

"Ugh, yuck. What _is_ that?" Mary asked, her nose wrinkled in disgust, as if Lily needed more proof that she thought the contents of the cauldron were repulsive.

"Go away, Mary," Lily said impatiently, stirring the green concoction clockwise five times.

"_I_ know why you're testy. And I must say, it's entirely _your _fault." The comment had the desired effect; Lily fumbled with her potions ingredients, turned scarlet, and then cursed as her potion turned a tarry black.

"My Tentalalis Potion is _ruined_," she said unhappily.

"What does a Tentalalis Potion even _do?_" Mary asked, looking at the ruined potion with distaste. Lily had been spending most of her time since dinner brewing potions in an empty classroom, and it was rather tiresome. Especially because Mary knew that this was all Lily's way of delaying the inevitable break down, and she wanted to be there when Lily threw her temper tantrum.

Lily's temper tantrums were amusing.

"It's a relaxant," Lily replied as she Vanished the contents of her cauldron, shaking her head sadly. "Why can't you go bother someone else?" she asked, looking at Mary with slightly narrowed eyes. Mary just flashed her a grin.

"Oh, and what does poor Lily need a relaxant for?" she asked, laughing when Lily blushed.

"It's for educational purposes only," Lily said, and it was obvious she was trying to keep a straight face. It was rather sad that she couldn't lie well at all.

"Of course. And do these 'educational purposes' involve James perchance?" Lily shook her head violently.

"No. Absolutely not."

"C'mon, Evans. Tell me the truth. I'll even tell you about Alice and Frank's drama."

"Alice and Frank are having drama? Still?" Lily actually sounded surprised, and it made Mary roll her eyes.

"I think Alice and Frank are trying to beat you and James. It's the 'Which relationship can be wrought with more issues?' game." Lily laughed—_actually_ laughed—and then shook her head.

"Frank and Alice could never beat me and James." Her shoulders were slumped, her eyes downcast, and had an air of defeat surrounding her. It suddenly occurred to Mary that there would be no temper tantrum.

Lily had always been the kind of person who wasn't afraid of wearing her feelings on her sleeve. In fact, at times, it even seemed as if she was quite willing to shove what she was feeling down everyone's throats. But then, in their third year, her mother had the accident, and Lily had withdrawn completely. It was only when she was giving James grief that anyone ever saw her show true emotion.

At the time, Mary had dubbed the sudden spouts of anger as Lily's 'temper tantrum' and while it had been a very long time—not since fifth year, in fact—that Lily had one of her 'temper tantrums,' Mary had always believed that Lily was just suppressing her urge to yell at James. Quite honestly, even though she had always pushed for James and Lily to get together—and was overjoyed when they finally did—there was a part of her that was sure that Lily's bottled up anger towards James would never go away, and James would never mature enough to prove to Lily that he was a decent human being.

While Mary had always believed Lily and James should be together, there was a large part of her that also always believed they wouldn't last.

But seeing Lily now, her shoulders slumped as she stared at her disgusting _Tentalalis Potion_, Mary realized she had been wrong. Lily's irritation at some of the things James did _would_ never go away. And James probably never _would_ mature completely, but they loved each other regardless. They honestly were in love. In the mushy, gooey, utterly sappy kind of way.

"Get up," Mary snapped, kicking Lily's chair. The redhead looked up at her miserably.

"Go away."

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get up. You and James have acted stupid long enough."

"_I _didn't even do anything!" Lily protested, though she stood anyway. "He's the one acting all surly and distant." Mary raised an eyebrow, shaking her head sadly.

"Have you asked what was wrong?" Lily looked outraged.

"Yes!" She frowned and looked confused for a moment. "Maybe. Possibly. Probably?" Mary raised an eyebrow. "Oh, alright, fine. No, I never asked."

"Then go ask."

"It's not that simple. He doesn't want to talk to me."

"Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and _go_." Lily narrowed her eyes slightly but she walked towards the door.

"You know what, Mary," Lily said, her hand on the doorknob. "You're a bully." Mary flashed her a grin.

"Quit stalling, Wit," she said, watching with satisfaction when Lily scowled at the use of the nickname.

"Right. Well. You can clean up for me, yeah?" Lily said before walking out without bothering to wait for an answer. Mary rolled her eyes and began to throw all of Lily's ingredients back into her bag, knowing full well Lily hated disorganization and this would irk her to no end.

It was her own fault, anyway, Mary decided as she continued her work while humming. Lily should have known better.

XXX

He was officially a stalker.

He had watched her all during lunch, followed her out to the grounds for her free period—blatantly skipping his Muggle Studies class—and then stared at the back of her head all through Transfiguration, earning him an odd look from McGonagall.

After that, he had once again watched her all through dinner, repeating the Lupin's words in his head like a mantra. _Talk. Then propose_. _Talk. Then propose. Talk. Then propose_…

Of course, it was turning out to be a bit of a problem. Despite being a Gryffindor, he was utterly scared to talk _or_ propose. Instead, he had followed her up to the common room after dinner, and had watched her from afar as she worked on Charms homework. The only thing keeping him from bolting into his dormitory—like the coward he was—was that Lily and Mary were nowhere to be found, and he wouldn't be rejected in front of an audience.

Steeling himself, Frank stood and walked over to her table, sitting down across from her, noticing that she didn't even bother looking up. He winced, realizing this was not going to end very well.

"Alice? Can I—_may_ I—speak with you?" Slowly, Alice put her quill down and closed her Charms textbook, finally looking up to meet his gaze.

"Are you going to yell at me?" she asked flatly. Frank blushed, the box in his pocket feeling oddly heavy—heavier than this morning, that was sure.

"Er, no. No, I won't yell."

"Are you going to tell me not to be an Auror? Because I hope you know that you can't change my mind, Frank. It's going to—"

"Will you marry me?" he all but shouted. His eyes widened as he realized he botched everything up. _Talk_. _Then propose_. He had forgotten! He never had the bloody talk! "Wait. No. That's—"

"I'm sorry?" Alice muttered incredulously, staring at him as if she'd never seen him properly. Frank blushed once more, his heart beating oddly, and somewhere in his brain, registered that she hadn't answered his question, and didn't that mean she wouldn't want to marry him, and what was he thinking, he should have known she'd say no, all of this was stupid, he should have run up to his dormitory when he had the chance, perhaps he still had time, he just needed a way to leave without looking like he'd lost his mind—"Frank? Are you alright?" Alice said, interrupting Frank's chain of thought. "I don't think you've lost your mind," she added softly, giving him a shy smile. Frank's heart suddenly began to beat even more erratically. He'd been talking aloud. Aloud. Because he was bat-shit crazy.

"Can I start from the beginning? I had a plan. Well, Lupin helped, but there was a plan," Frank said nervously, his hand going in his pocket, fingering the damn box that was causing all of these issues.

"Um, yeah, of course," Alice said in confusion, her eyebrows practically reaching her hairline, a smile beginning to form on her face. Excellent. She was laughing at him. That's _exactly_ what he wanted when he was about to propose.

There was no way she'd say yes. Hell, he couldn't even quite blame her.

"I'm not sure of a lot of things," he said slowly. "I'm not sure why exactly my mother likes her hat because it's horrid, I'm not sure if Dumbledore isn't completely off his rocker, I'm not sure if being an Auror is right—for either of us," he said when it looked like she was going to interrupt. "Alice, I'm not sure if you and I will live through this war. You know that it's dangerous for Aurors, _you know_ there's a very good possibility we're not going to make it." He winced at the bluntness of his words, but he couldn't take it back. It was true. Being an Auror in these times was practically suicide. So he just plowed on, intent on getting to the point. "But, dammit Alice, I'm sure about you. I'm sure about how I feel. I'm sure that I _love_ you." He noticed that tears were appearing in her eyes, and he felt rather stupid. He was making her cry. What kind of idiot did that make him? "I love you more than anything, and I'd rather die than see you unhappy. So, if being an Auror is what you want, then be an Auror! Who am I to stop you from being happy?" Without waiting for a response—though he probably should have, he thought there was something about _discussing_ in Lupin's plan—he slid out of the chair and got down on one knee, pulling the box out of his pocket.

It was still pretty damn heavy.

"Alice Collins, will—"

"Oh, shut up," Alice said, tears streaming down her cheeks. Frank felt shocked. She was saying no. What was the point of Lupin's plan when it didn't even work? He was going to kill Lupin. He was going to—"As if I'm going to make you ask twice," she said with a laugh, once again interrupting his thoughts. Then, without so much as a warning, she threw herself at him.

The box wasn't that heavy, after all. Who would have guessed? And he supposed he owed Remus the biggest bar of chocolate he could find—it was the least he could do, after all, since Remus's plan worked.

XXX

She was officially a stalker.

What was really horrifying was that he _knew_ she was a stalker, and he was choosing not to say anything. Either that, or he was just too bothered by the whole thing, and he was hoping that she'd stop on her own so he could somehow avoid what would be a _very_ awkward conversation.

Lily sincerely hoped it was the former.

She felt guilty for getting angry at him earlier, but she still held on to the notion that it wasn't her fault. Of course, that didn't stop her from deciding an apology wouldn't go amiss. Perhaps James was just upset she hadn't spent as much time with him as she usually did so he was retaliating by acting oddly.

Or maybe James was just bipolar.

She was considering that when he stood and walked across the library to lean against the bookcase she had hidden behind. "Spying, Evans?" he asked, a slight grin on his face. Lily adopted an innocent look.

"No. I was…reading." She picked up the first book she saw and showed it to him. James merely raised an eyebrow before he crossed his arms.

"Um, Lily? That's a book on the uses of dragon dung." Lily looked at the cover and blushed. It seemed James was right. The wanker.

"It's fascinating," Lily said, knowing her blush was giving her away, but not really caring at that point. James laughed, and took the book from her.

"I'm sure it is. So you haven't been following me around for the past hour?"

"Nope. Not me. What're you doing in the library anyway? I thought you were allergic to books." James put the book back in its place and then grinned at her.

"You should tell your twin to quit following me, then," he said, his eyes bright behind his glasses. "And I never said I was allergic to books." Lily nodded seriously.

"You know her, she never listens to reason. And you _did_ say you were allergic to books." James laughed, earning himself a glare from Madame Pince.

"Ah, so she's the evil twin? I said that books make me sneeze, Evans, not that I'm allergic." He leaned in at that point. "I think I'd remember," he said, his breath tickling her neck. Lily resisted the urge to shudder, but decided that two could play this game.

"She's vile, really," Lily said, leaning into James, her eyes boring into his. "And why on earth would you remember?" Their faces were centimeters apart, and she could practically count the flecks of dark brown in his hazel eyes. It helped that his glasses were slipping down the bridge of his nose and weren't hiding his eyes.

"I think you're being hard on her," James said softly, briefly glancing at her lips before he met her eyes again. "And I remember because I love everything about that day."

"For what it's worth, she's quite sorry for following you. And yelling at you before dinner. She's somewhat of a shrew sometimes." She took his hand in hers, glad when he didn't pull away but actually held on tight. "Why do you love that day?"

"She's never a shrew. Not to me," he said, stepping even closer to her. "How can I forget the first time you kissed me?" Lily laughed.

"Do you fancy my evil twin?" she asked, giggling slightly at the ridiculousness of their conversation.

"Really, Evans?" James asked, rolling his eyes good-naturedly. "_That's_ what you get out of all this?" Lily laughed, burying her face into James's chest.

"What? It's a legitimate question!" she protested, bursting into another bout of laugher. She didn't let James answer. Instead, she leaned away from him and began to pull on his arm. "C'mon. I wouldn't want the books to make you sneeze."

"Is this another euphemism?" he asked, grinning at her. It was Lily's turn to roll her eyes.

"You're such a prat." He answered with a laugh and followed her out of the library, the two of them still holding hands. They didn't speak as they headed up the first flight of stairs, but finally, Lily couldn't take it anymore. "You're not going to go back to hating me again, are you?" she asked, breaking their silence. James stopped walking, running his free hand through his hair before letting out a sigh.

"Did you read the letter?"

"No."

"_Lily_."

"What? I was cross with you." He let out a nervous chuckle before shaking his head.

"It's my mother," he said slowly, as if thinking over each word carefully before speaking.

"Is she alright?" Lily asked, feeling awful.

"She's fine, actually. My dad says she's better." A small smile appeared on his face. "She's excited, apparently."

"Excited for what?" She should have known better than to ask. She should have known.

"Excited to meet you?" What got her wasn't what he said, but how he worded it. Like it was a request, a question, when in reality it was nothing of the sort.

"What did you do, James?" she asked, looking at him carefully. It wasn't as if she didn't want to meet his mother. Honestly, she would love to meet her. But meeting James's mum meant also seeing his father, and she wanted nothing to do with Charlus Potter.

"Since I told her I was dating the girl I'd fallen for, she wanted to meet you. She said it was important for her. And when she asked me if you'd come home with me for Christmas…" he winced, "I told her that you'd love to."

"You…you lied to your mum!" Lily said, astonished. James shook his head.

"No, not really. It's true that you might not want to come home with me for Christmas because of my dad, but you'd love to spend Christmas with me and my mum, right?"

"James…"

"Please don't say no. Please. She's looking forward to meeting you! And I know my dad and you don't get along, but could you please try to—" Lily shut James up by placing her hand over his mouth. She gave him a small smile.

"I'm not going to say no. Of course I'll come." She gave him a confused look. "Is this why you've been acting oddly? Because you thought I'd say no?" Lily moved her hand so he could speak.

"Partially."

"You're such an idiot, James. Why wouldn't you just _talk_ to me?"

"Because…" he stopped and shook his head frantically. "Because I hated the thought of making you see my dad on Christmas. On Christmas! The same day he had the accident with your mother in the first place!"

"It's fine. James, it's fine—"

"How? How is it fine? _Merlin_, Lily, do you realize how _sick_ it makes me feel to think about how much he hurt you?" Lily stared at James for a moment and then stood on her toes to give him a light kiss.

"I'm so sorry about earlier, James." He gave her a small smile.

"It was your evil twin, you're not to blame." It was a feeble joke, but Lily didn't quite care. She kissed him again.

"I love that day, too. You know, in hindsight."

"It's because of my kissing prowess, isn't it?"

"No. It was the book allergy comment."

"I said that books make me sneeze! I'm not allergic. Though, I am allergic to dogs." Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Really? Poor Sirius. He must have been heartbroken when he found out."

XXX

"I don't understand the two of you," Sirius said simply. Remus nodded in agreement.

"I don't understand how they managed to figure things out without help," he said lightly, though James was pretty sure Remus wasn't joking.

"I don't understand the euphemism," Peter muttered, shaking his head in confusion. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Don't think too hard, Wormtail. You might break your brain."

"You can't break a brain," Remus said calmly. Sirius shot him a dirty look.

"Well, _you_ can't suddenly decide you want to talk to us again."

"You want me to not talk to you?"

"No. But you can't just ignore us and then be our friend whenever it takes your fancy!" Remus opened his mouth to answer, but James held up his hands.

"Alright, that's enough." He turned to Remus. "Moony, I'm glad you're feeling better. _All_ of us are glad." James gave Sirius a pointed look.

"Yeah. We're glad," he said flatly. Suddenly, Peter laughed.

"I get it now!" he said happily, grinning at them. Remus rolled his eyes.

"No, you don't."

"You're so grumpy, Moony!" Sirius said, his turn to laugh. "Want some chocolate?"

"I'm not taking anything from you. It's not safe."

"Or sanitary," James added, getting a solemn nod of agreement from Peter.

"Sorry Sirius," Peter said, shrugging slightly when Sirius looked at him in mock anger. Suddenly, the door to their dormitory swung open, and Frank Longbottom strolled in confidently, a certain swagger to his steps.

"Why's he so happy?" Sirius asked, as if it was a crime to be happy. Remus laughed.

"I think Alice said yes."

"Alice said 'yes!' You hear that, boys? I'm engaged!" Frank shouted. Peter clapped.

"I say we celebrate!" he cried. Sirius nodded in firm agreement.

"I second the idea!" He kicked open his trunk and began to dig through it.

"We have class tomorrow morning," Remus protested lightly, obviously knowing it wouldn't do any good. James shrugged slightly.

"A few drinks. No big deal, right?"

"C'mere Longbottom! Time to get sloshed!" Sirius cried happily. Remus raised an eyebrow and gave James a pointed look.

"Right. So more than a few. Still, it's no big deal. Right?" Before Remus could answer, Frank grabbed him and hugged him tightly.

"Your plan worked!" He frowned. "Well. Not really. We never discussed anything. But I talked. Then proposed!"

"And she said yes?" James said, a grin on his face. Frank looked up at him, his eyes bright, his face practically glowing.

"She said yes," he confirmed, a silly smile forming. "She said yes. To _me_. Can you believe it?"

"Right now? No, not really," Sirius said, handing out the bottles. "Once your giddiness and sappiness go away, maybe."

"She said yes, Sirius. It'll never go away." James grinned and held out his bottle.

"How about a toast?" He waited until they all nodded before continuing. "To Frank," he said simply.

"To Frank," the rest of them repeated, before drinking deeply. James found himself grinning as he thought about how he'd feel if Lily ever agreed to marry him…right then, he vowed that he'd ask her. Not anytime soon, but he would ask her.

Because for James Potter, there was no one else but Lily Evans.

XXX

"You five look horrible," Mary said matter-of-factly, hiding her smile behind her cup of tea. Sirius rolled his eyes before he sat down across from Lily, but the others ignored Mary's comment completely. Remus immediately put his head down, Peter drained a glass of pumpkin juice, Frank was piling his plate with bacon and eggs, and James had decided to use Lily's shoulder as a pillow.

"Congratulations, MacDonald. You've won the, 'Who-Can-Point-Out-The-Most-Obvious' Award," Sirius muttered, making Lily laugh, earning herself a glare from James for moving.

"No need to be so rude, Sirius," Mary huffed, though Lily didn't think she was actually upset. A part of her wondered if the teasing was a sign that they liked each other, but she was rather afraid to ask. If she was completely off, she'd have to worry about retaliation from both Sirius and Mary, and she wasn't in the mood for pranks.

"Ugh, you two need to be quiet," James muttered, shifting slightly. Lily patted his cheek softly and grinned.

"Does poor James have a hangover?"

"No? No. _No_."

"_Merlin_, you're whipped," Sirius said, shaking his head sadly. James grinned slightly.

"Do I detect jealousy, Padfoot? That I have a girlfriend and you don't?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Oh please, just because it took you and Evans a whole year to start dating, it doesn't mean finding a girlfriend is _hard_." James and Lily exchanged a look before they both laughed.

"You _are_ jealous," Lily said, grinning. Sirius narrowed his eyes.

"Alright, _Wit_, how about a wager, then?"

"What sort of wager?" Remus asked, picking his head up from the table for the first time. Sirius crossed his arms and leaned back confidently.

"I can get a girl to agree to go to Hogsmeade with me before dinner."

"You're having us on, right?" Peter asked incredulously, putting his glass of juice down. "The trip is tomorrow! There isn't a single girl that doesn't have plans already."

"My dear Wormtail, my sad, pathetic little friend. Do you doubt me?" Sirius said, giving Peter a look. Lily stared at the two of them for a moment, from Sirius's look of superiority to Peter's confusion, and then she laughed.

"You know what, Sirius? I'm in. How does ten galleons sound?" James groaned.

"Really, Lily? You're _encouraging_ him? I thought you'd be the one to put a stop to all this." Lily pushed James off her shoulder—honestly, how rude of him!—and crossed her arms.

"First of all, _James_, why in the world would you think _I_ would be the one to put a stop to this? And secondly, I want to see that bloody smirk get wiped off his smug face. So bugger off." Instead of being properly chastised, James just laughed, shaking his head. Remus, though, stared at her like she was from another planet.

"Who are you and what have you done to Lily Evans?" he asked, his eyes slightly narrowed. Mary snorted into her breakfast and gave Lily a pitying look.

"You show a bit of personality and they immediately think you're an imposter. They just have no faith." James laughed even louder, Peter was snorting so much Lily was sure he'd choke, Remus was chuckling—because laughing was beneath him—and Sirius was banging the table with his fists, tears of mirth in his eyes. Only Frank continued to eat quietly, not even bothering to pay attention.

"You know what? It wasn't even funny. And I'm going to go," she said huffily, glaring at them all.

"Where? To the library?" Lily grabbed her bag and stood.

"Shut up, James."

XXX

"So, just making sure, but at your wedding, I'm the Maid of Honor, right Alice?" Alice blushed, and began taking notes at a more furious pace. From Alice's other side, Lily laughed.

"Please, she's going to choose _me_ as her Maid of Honor because I'm her best friend," Lily said confidently. Alice blushed again, and Lily knew she was embarrassed because of the attention she was receiving.

"You are _not_ her best friend. I'm the one that helped with their drama!" Mary protested, wringing her hands in the air. Lily leaned across Alice to look Mary in the eye.

"Remus helped them, not you. Stop taking credit for things you haven't done."

"Oh, that's right. The drama I fixed was the one between you and James. I forget, did you ever thank me for that?"

"No. And I'm not going to. I had to spend an hour reorganizing my potion supplies because of you!"

"It's not my fault you're obsessive. Besides. I helped you with James."

"I didn't need _help_ with James."

"I think James would disagree."

"Mary, what is _wrong_ with you?" Lily asked, her eyes narrowing. Finally, it seemed Alice had had enough. She pushed Lily away, and glared at them both.

"Look, you two need to stop. We're in class. Act like it." Lily bit her lip, but Mary rolled her eyes.

"Please. This is Binns' class. No one pays attention. Even your lovely fiancé is napping." She pointed behind her, and sure enough, Frank was fast asleep, a little bit of drool traveling down his chin.

The look on Alice's face was a cross between wanting to kiss Frank, and wanting to strangle him for having the nerve to sleep through class.

"He looks peaceful. I'm jealous," Lily commented idly. She stared at her parchment for a moment, wondering if she should just Transfigure it into a pillow. She knew quite a few good spells, too. It would be comfortable, and soft, and she wouldn't have to listen to Binns drone on for another hour…Alice snapped her fingers.

"Take notes, Lily. You're Head Girl." Lily sighed.

"Yes. Unfortunately." At that, Mary—who had been busy shooting paper projectiles up Frank's nose—grinned and turned around to look at them.

"Can I take your job? It must be nice, patrolling after curfew with James. I mean, there must be an abundance of broom closets to take refuge in, and it wouldn't be too hard to—"

"Mary? _What's _wrong with you?" Lily asked again while Alice pretended to take notes. Mary shrugged.

"I'm just saying. If _I_ had a boyfriend like James, I wouldn't squander precious snogging time just to be cross with him. You can always be cross when the two of you are old and no longer have a libido." Lily frowned, feeling incredibly uncomfortable discussing _libido_ in the middle of Binns' class, where anyone—including James!—could overhear.

"Mary?" Alice asked, still pretending to take notes. "What is _wrong_ with you?"

"I think Mary's just jealous," Lily teased. Mary rolled her eyes.

"Of what? That?" She pointed to Frank, who was having difficulty breathing because of the paper in his nostrils. His soft snores had turned into an odd snorting sound, and Sirius and James were trying their best to imitate it. Lily couldn't help it, she giggled. "_Merlin_," Mary said with disgust. "You _do _love him. I mean, if you can see _that_ and still find him even _mildly_ attractive_, _you must really love him."

"Oh, she's _definitely_ jealous," Alice said, giving up the charade and putting her quill down.

"I am _not_ jealous," Mary protested.

"I hear Sirius is looking for a date. You should take him up on it," Lily said, grinning when Mary scowled.

"You know what, Miss Head Girl? You're a horrible example for other students. You should be ashamed." Lily opened her mouth to respond when the door to the classroom swung open. She was shocked to see Jane—the same young Slytherin she had helped a while back—standing in the doorway, fiddling with her thumbs nervously.

"Professor?" To the amusement of the class, Binns completely ignored her and continued talking about the first treaty between goblins and humans. "Professor?" Jane said, quite a bit louder. The ghost turned and stared at her with impatience.

"Yes, what?" he asked, a bit rudely.

"Professor McGonagall wanted to see Lily Evans. It's Head business." Lily immediately stood, as did James, but Jane shook her head frantically. "Just Lily Evans. Just the Head Girl." James frowned, but he sat back down, even if it was reluctantly. Lily flashed him a grateful look.

"Well, go on then, Miss Stebbins," Binns said impatiently, causing the entire class to laugh. Lily didn't even bother to correct her professor; she knew better. Instead, she grabbed her things and followed Jane out the door, distinctly hearing Frank let out another—very loud—snort.

XXX

James wasn't worried when Lily never came back to Binns' class. In fact, considering she had been given such a great excuse to skip, he'd have been disappointed if she _had _returned. He _was_ slightly perturbed when she didn't come to Charms. He knew it was her favorite class, but he assumed whatever McGonagall had her doing, it was taking longer than anticipated. After lunch, though, when Lily _still_ hadn't returned from her Head Girl business, James had been more than a little bothered, and he had decided to ask McGonagall about what on earth she had told Lily to do that was taking so damn long. When McGonagall had given him a stern look followed by, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Mr. Potter," James was officially worried. But it wasn't until he had checked the map and _couldn't_ find her at all that he entered a full-blown panic.

"Did you check?" he asked when he noticed Alice rush up to him. She nodded.

"She's not in any of the girls' restrooms," she confirmed breathlessly.

"She's not in the Room of Requirement, either," Remus said, walking up to them. "I was able to get in, so it's not in use."

"Has anyone spoken with McGonagall yet?" Alice asked, her eyes full of worry—and a bit of fear. James nodded miserably.

"I went to her before dinner. She said to 'calm down.' Told me that Dumbledore would take care of it."

"What's that mean?" Remus asked angrily. "Does Dumbledore know where Lily is? Or is he looking for her?"

"Don't you think I asked her that?" James snapped. "She wouldn't say." Alice held up her hands.

"Fighting each other won't help us find Lily quicker. Frank's still looking, right?"

"He's searching the library and the fourth floor. Sirius has the dungeons," James replied tonelessly.

"We're going to find her, James. We will," Remus muttered. As if the words were some sort of charm, Peter and Mary came barreling down the seventh floor corridor, yelling at the top of their lungs.

"We've found her! We know where she is!"

**I am so terribly sorry about the incredibly long wait. It's just, well, it just occurred to me that with every chapter I write, I'm getting closer to an end I just don't want to get to. Call me crazy, but I've spent so much time on these characters that they seem very real to me. **

**Anyway, I officially have a tumblr! It'll have a bunch of Frustration related stuff on it—though it's depressingly empty right now—so check it out (see my profile page for the link). Also, here's an incentive to review: for the person who becomes my 200****th**** reviewer (I'm 45 away, huzzah!), I will write a Lily/James one-shot just for you! 1,000 words or more on whatever you want? That's a good incentive, right? So review! **

**As always, thank you to my beta, and to everyone who reads, favorites, follows, and reviews this story. I hope you liked the chapter (and the cliffhanger)! Have a Merry Christmas! **


	29. Coffee and Tea

Chapter Twenty-nine- Coffee and Tea

The smell of freshly brewed coffee woke her.

It was her mother's special blend, with vanilla and what Lily had always assumed to be cinnamon. She couldn't really remember where the special coffee came from, but she had always associated the smell and taste to her mother.

The first time Lily could remember her mother brewing the coffee, she had been six years old, and her grandfather had fallen ill. Her dad had been sullen for days, locking himself up in his office, refusing to see any of them. She remembered sitting in the kitchen with her mother, feeling awful and wishing she could do something to help, when her mum had pulled out the coffee and gave her a wink.

"This can pull anyone out of their funk," she had said with a smile. Lily supposed the coffee had held some sort of meaning for her parents, because the moment the smell had begun to waft around the house, her father had opened the door to his office, an apologetic look on his face.

The second time the coffee had been pulled out of its special spot in the pantry, Lily had been ten. She and Petunia had fought—something that happened incredibly often after she had met Severus—and they weren't talking to each other. She remembered her mum had brewed the coffee and sat them down, giving them each a small cup.

"Girls, be kind to one another," she had said. "You're sisters, a part of the same family. Don't forget that." They had nodded seriously, and had remembered her words for a whole day before they were back to their bickering and arguing.

Before she went off to Hogwarts, Lily's mother had brewed the coffee only once more. It was the morning of September first, and her mother had given her a tight hug—smelling like coffee, vanilla, and cinnamon—and she had kissed Lily on the cheek.

"I'm going to miss you, Lil," she had said, barely hiding the tears that were forming in her eyes.

After that, brewing the coffee on the days she left for Hogwarts, and the days she got back from school, became tradition—something that Lily found she looked forward to. Of course, all that had changed the Christmas of her third year.

Though Lily still associated the coffee to her mother, though the smell made her think of her mother's smile, the weary look on her face when she got back home after a long day at work, the warm feeling of her embrace, her mother couldn't even recall where the coffee was kept. If it had been up to Lily, she would have thrown the lot of it away, refusing to ever brew the special blend again. But her father had disagreed. Every single Sunday morning after her mother's accident, he brewed the coffee—which held so much meaning between them, between their daughters—in the hope that she would remember. That she would remember her name, her daughters' names, her husband's name. Yet the special coffee, that Lily had at one time thought to work miracles, did nothing.

It was as if its special abilities had been lost with her mother's memories.

So waking up to the smell of her mother's special coffee left her confused and worried. She wondered if she was still dreaming, or if this was all a huge—and cruel—joke. Slowly, Lily opened her eyes, having barely enough sense to not shout in surprise at the sight.

She was in her bedroom.

Frantically, Lily sat up, searching for her wand. She had very little doubt that something was dreadfully wrong. After all, the last thing she could remember, she was walking down a corridor with Jane, listening as the girl talked about something she had overheard…

_Lily shifted her bag slightly, listening intently to Jane, but not really comprehending what was being said._

"_What d'you mean, 'they're after' me?" she asked, stopping to look the first year in the eye. Jane pulled on her robes, and then played with a strand of her hair, looking like she had just been told the world was going to end in mere minutes. _

"_They were talking, in the common room. Please, please, just go to Professor Dumbledore," she said, looking nervous. _

"_Alright. Look at me. Jane, look at me." Lily kneeled down so she was eye-level with the first year. "I need you to tell me exactly what they said and who said it, alright?" Jane shook her head._

"_I can't. They'll find out. Please. Just go to Dumbledore. He can keep you safe."_

"_Jane, if you don't let me know what's going on, I can't do anything."_

"_You don't _have_ to do anything!" Jane said, looking a bit irritated now. "Don't you get it? They're coming after you. They want to hurt you. They think it's your fault that Brandon Wicks stood up to them. They blame you that everyone in the school stands up to them now." _

"_Why me? What did I do?" Lily asked, perhaps a bit stupidly. _

"_You think they forgot about the Muggleborn Act?" Lily stared at Jane for a moment, and she realized she wasn't going to get any more information out of her. She did some quick thinking, and made a rather rash decision. _

"_Alright. By the look on your face, I assume they know you overheard them, right?" She didn't even wait for Jane's nod. "Look. Take this," Lily pulled off the ring that Dumbledore had given her so long ago and handed it to Jane. "If you're ever in trouble, I want you to say the name of the author who wrote _The Three Musketeers_. You do know who that is, right?" Jane nodded immediately._

"_Ale—" she began, only for Lily to shush her._

"_Only when you're in trouble. Do you understand, Jane? Only when you're in trouble." _

"_But what about you?" _

"_I'm going straight to Dumbledore. He'll know what to do." Jane nodded, still nervous, and Lily decided that she needed a hug. "Be careful, please." _

After that, everything else was confusing. She was sure she had made it to Dumbledore's office, and she was sure that they had come up with some sort of plan, but she couldn't remember any of it. It was all a blur—as if someone was continuously fast-forwarding the memories in her mind, rendering her unable to recall what had happened.

What worried her the most, however, was that she didn't have a wand. She had searched her entire room—it was almost exactly the same as she had left it before she went back to Hogwarts for her fifth year, which struck her as completely odd—but it was nowhere to be found. In fact, there were no signs that she had ever been to Hogwarts. The red and gold sheets on her bed had been replaced, none of her textbooks were sitting in their spots, and her trunk and robes were gone.

"Lily? Lily! It's nearly ten. Are you ever planning on getting out of bed?" Lily froze, tears forming in her eyes. There was no way. This had to be some sort of joke, some sort of horrifying mistake. Because there was no way that that voice could exist. There was just no way. "Lily?" The door to her room opened, and Lily nearly fainted.

Standing there, a small smile on her face and smelling like coffee, vanilla, and cinnamon, was her mother.

XXX

"So where is she?" James asked hurriedly, grabbing Peter by the arm, and squeezing it perhaps a little too hard.

"In the Hospital Wing. McGonagall, Dumbledore, and _Flitwick_ are there." Peter sounded surprised that Flitwick was there too, but James didn't care enough to be curious. All he wanted to know was if she was alright, if she was safe. "They want us to go down there. Apparently, Dumbledore has a plan." James let go of Peter's arm, realizing the boy was wincing in pain.

"A plan?" Remus asked, giving Mary an inquisitive look. Mary just shrugged.

"All I know is that they think they can stop all the attacks on students."

"You stop the attacks by _expelling_ the bastards who attacked innocent kids in the first place," James hissed, clenching his fists and heading downstairs towards the Hospital Wing. "You don't pull Lily into some idiotic plan."

"Perhaps Dumbledore has a good reason for using Lily?" Remus protested lightly, sounding as if he agreed fully with James. It was rather refreshing to hear.

"You know, one thing Kate was right about is that Dumbledore _does_ have an unusual interest in Lily," Alice said quietly. A latent anger towards his Headmaster resurfaced, and James was practically seething by the time they reached the Hospital Wing. Alice was absolutely right.

And he was going to set things straight with the Headmaster.

XXX

"Mum?" If Lily hadn't grabbed her desk, she was sure her knees would have given way.

"Lily, you're awake. Why didn't you come down when I called you?" her mother said exasperatedly, shaking her head. "Petunia went out and I need some help." Lily took several steps forward, still looking at her mother in shock. This was a dream. A very cruel dream. She would wake up any moment. Lily closed her eyes briefly. Any moment now… "Darling, are you alright?"

"Y-yes," Lily managed to say. She wondered if whatever plans she had made with Dumbledore had somehow gone utterly wrong. Perhaps she had been attacked. Perhaps all this was Voldemort's doing. Lily swallowed and decided that she didn't really care. Her mother—the most loving, kind, compassionate, and wonderful person she had ever had the pleasure of knowing—was standing right in front of her, and she'd be damned if she didn't take advantage of that fact.

She wasn't sure what she was expecting when she rushed forward to hug her mum. A part of her had thought she'd just go through the apparition, and another part felt that the dream would suddenly end. She didn't expect, however, to be hugged back by something solid, warm, and _alive_. She could smell her mother's perfume, could hear the steady heartbeat, could feel the gentle way she was stroking Lily's hair.

Lily clutched tighter, breathing in her mother, trying to commit every single detail to memory. It didn't matter if this was some sort of trap. All that mattered was that somehow, _someway_, she was being given another chance with her mother.

"If you think you can get out of work by hugging me, I'm on to you," her mum said lightly. Lily stifled a laugh—or a sob, she wasn't sure which—and just held on tighter.

"I'll do whatever you tell me, mum. Anything."

"Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?" her mother joked, pulling away and looking intently at Lily. "Are you alright, Lil? Is there something wrong?"

"What? No. No, there's nothing wrong," Lily muttered, smiling slightly. What she wouldn't give to be able to tell her mother the truth! To gush about how utterly _glad_ she was to be able to see her once more, to be able to hold her. To explain that she had gone through months and months of crying herself to sleep, all because she was having trouble coping with the death of her parents…

Lily frowned slightly, her head suddenly hurting. There was a voice in her head screaming for her to be on guard, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Dumbledore.

"_Whatever you may see, whatever might be different, don't forget, Lily. Do you understand? You cannot forget. If you do—"_

"_I won't wake up. I know, Professor." The Headmaster looked at her carefully for a moment and then nodded._

"_Then good luck."_

She wished she could remember what he had been talking about. She knew it was important, _knew_ that she wasn't supposed to forget, but at that moment, she didn't actually care. All she knew was that her mother was standing right in front of her, asking her another question, and she needed to pay the utmost attention. She wasn't going to squander this chance she'd been given. There just was no way.

_I'm sorry, Dumbledore_, she thought, smiling at her mother.

XXX

"I don't understand, Professor," James said, barely managing to contain his anger. The Headmaster said nothing, obviously content to be silent. It was McGonagall who took pity on him.

"It seems that Miss Evans elected to…find safety within the confines of her mind."

"And I said that I don't understand what that even _means_," James bit out, ignoring Remus's indignant snort. He didn't care if he was being rude; he wanted answers.

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall started angrily, only to be stopped by Dumbledore.

"He can be excused, Minerva," he said softly. It was only then that he looked at James, his blue eyes twinkling madly, as if he was amused. "I assure you, Mr. Potter, Lily is completely safe. There is nothing physically wrong with her."

"Then why is she just laying there?" James demanded, pointing to where curtains hid Lily's still body. Madame Pomfrey was bustling around, mumbling under her breath, making James wonder if Dumbledore was being completely honest about Lily.

"This morning, a young, brave Slytherin first year warned Lily about several of her Housemates. We decided to place Lily in a magical coma of sorts."

"But why?" James asked, utterly confused.

"Because we wanted to use some trickery," Professor Flitwick said, grinning slightly. He seemed quite excited. "We fool these students into attacking a…fake…Miss Evans, and then they can be caught and punished. They've been able to get away with hurting far too many students for us to merely stand by."

"But why does Lily need to be in a magical coma?"

"The charm we used requires Miss Evans to be—for want of a better term—put under. Only then can the fake version be used to lure her attackers out." James frowned, finally understanding what was going on, but knowing he still didn't like it.

"Wait. So basically, you're using a double to trap the would-be Death Eaters?" Sirius grinned. "That's bloody brilliant." James scowled.

"No, it isn't!" he protested. "What about Lily?"

"Miss Evans agreed to this, Mr. Potter," McGonagall said curtly, as if she wanted the matter to be dropped then and there. "She was aware she'd have to spend some time in this magical coma, and she knew all the risks. And as Professor Dumbledore has already said, she's perfectly safe."

"But Professor, when will she wake?" Alice asked, finally speaking up for the first time. Dumbledore shrugged brightly.

"Well, that depends on two things: when her 'double' is attacked, and when she wants to come out of the magically induced coma."

"What do you mean by 'when she wants' to come out of it?" Mary asked, though to James it seemed she was more curious than she was worried. Dumbledore smiled, his eyes still twinkling like mad.

"For every person, there is a world that we wish existed. For example, a very sick woman would envision a world where she never became ill. Or a lonely man would be surrounded by his loved ones." He paused, dug through his robes, and pulled out his half-moon spectacles, putting them on. James briefly wondered why he'd taken them off in the first place, and if that was why the Headmaster's eyes seemed so bright. "When a witch or wizard is placed into a magically induced coma, they enter this alternate world."

"So what does that mean?" James asked, though he was quite sure he already knew exactly what that meant.

"The moment Lily wants to leave that alternate world—that fake world—she will. However, it may be in days, weeks, or—"

"Months? Years?" James finished, glaring at the Headmaster. Dumbledore shook his head.

"Of course not. No matter what Lily's alternate world is, she will decide to come back to reality. She knows better than to live in dreams." James had several questions, but he knew better than to ask them. He couldn't ask about why Lily didn't show up on the map without letting his professors know about it. He couldn't ask why no one had bothered to tell him anything until after Lily was placed in the magical coma because he knew quite well that no one had any reason or obligation to explain anything to him. And he couldn't ask if Dumbledore knew what Lily's alternate world was because he was almost sure he wouldn't like the answer.

He couldn't ask about Lily's alternate world because he wasn't sure if she would prefer reality over it.

XXX

Regulus stared right back at Severus unflinchingly. If the greasy haired seventh year thought he could _bully_ Regulus, he had another thing coming. There were a few lines that were never crossed, he thought firmly, still staring right into Severus's eyes.

_First of all, no matter how blinded your older brother may seem to be, he is still your brother._

_Secondly, when it comes to making a decision, the blood shared by brothers is far more important than how pure it may be. _

Most people thought that of the two Black brothers, Sirius was the better one. _Sirius_ had been Sorted into Gryffindor. _Sirius_ had made it a point to proclaim his hatred for the Dark Lord. _Sirius_ was the one who made good marks effortlessly, who was charming, funny, and could always lighten the mood with a few words.

Regulus didn't begrudge his brother. In fact, he was quite glad his older brother had found himself in Hogwarts. After all, who could forget the days when Sirius would speak out against their parents and would receive harsh punishment, only to do the same thing the very next day?

No, he wasn't jealous of Sirius. However, he _was_ jealous of James Potter, of Remus Lupin, and even of Peter Pettigrew. Because it was those three boys who got Sirius's friendship and loyalty, instead of his own brother. It was three boys who didn't grow up with Sirius, who never risked everything to defend him, who never stood up for him regardless of their own beliefs and ideals—Regulus clenched his fists, knowing it would do no good to dwell on his brother's useless and pathetic friends.

_Third, your brother's friends are off limits. Do not touch them, do not hurt them. No matter what. _

"I'm not going to do it, Severus. You can glare at me all day, and I still won't agree," Regulus said calmly, his tone hiding his anger, his jealousy, and his fear. He was hoping that Severus was bluffing, that the Dark Lord _hadn't_ ordered him to attack the Evans girl. Because if the Dark Lord had ordered him, and he was refusing, there would be hell to pay. Severus glared at him for a few more seconds and then threw his hands up in the air, a growl escaping his lips.

"You're an absolute _idiot_, Black! I knew your brother was thick, but I didn't know _you_ were too." Regulus looked at Severus calmly for a moment before he shook his head.

"You're one to talk, Snape. Were _you_ ordered to attack Evans? And can your poor little heart not take that?" He smirked at the older boy, years of being trained to look at everyone else as if they were inferior finally paying off. The look of shock on Severus's face was priceless, but even more satisfying was the hatred.

Regulus hated Severus Snape, and it was good to know the feeling was mutual.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Black," Severus snarled, spit flying out of his mouth. Regulus smirked again, thoroughly enjoying angering the older boy.

"Oh? So you're not trying to get me to attack Evans because you couldn't bring yourself to do it?"

"_No_."

"Then what the hell are you doing, Snape?" Regulus asked, crossing his arms at his chest. For a moment, it seemed Severus wasn't going to answer, that he'd just stalk off. But then, he seemed to deflate, and his shoulders slumped.

"_He_ feels that Dumbledore is too invested in Evans and _Potter_," he spat out the second name in disgust. "He wants to see how much he can push Dumbledore."

"To see how much the old man actually cares for the thick Gryffindors?" Severus nodded, almost sadly. Suddenly, Regulus wondered if it had been right to bring up Severus's…attachment…to the redheaded Gryffindor. After all, didn't he hate it when he was shunned because he still defended Sirius? "So?" he prodded. Severus let out a breath and shook his head.

"You're right. I _won't_ attack L—Evans." Regulus nearly smirked at the slip, but he said nothing. Instead, he let Severus continue. "And I sure as hell won't let the others go after her."

"Because?"

"Because they'll go too far. Even worse than what they did to MacDonald." Regulus closed his eyes in understanding. He wasn't sure whether he should feel honored or disgusted that Severus was coming to him for help. Honored because Severus seemed to think he was better than the others—kinder, gentler?—and yet disgusted because Severus also seemed to think that he wouldn't mind attacking the Evans girl. "You're…_different_," Severus said softly. "You wouldn't go too far."

"So you're asking me to attack Evans because you think I won't hurt her?" Regulus asked, wanting to hear the words to come out of Severus's mouth. The greasy haired git always acted so high and mighty; it was nice to see how far he'd fallen—that he'd risk his pride and ego so that a girl who didn't even give him the time of day wouldn't get hurt.

"I'm asking you because you're not as twisted as the others." Severus paused and looked at him carefully before continuing. "You may be a Slytherin, but you tend to act like a bloody Gryffindor." Regulus's eyes widened.

"Are you saying Gryffindors are better than Slytherins?" he asked, feeling shocked.

"Will you do this or not? We can't disappoint the Dark Lord."

"You didn't answer me, Severus—"

"Can I count on you?"

"Severus—"

"Yes or no, Regulus?" Perhaps it was the anger in Severus's voice, or perhaps it was because somehow Regulus had realized he wouldn't be getting an answer, because he finally nodded.

"I won't hurt her, Severus. I won't." At first, it seemed Severus wasn't going to answer, because he turned around and was about to leave. But then, so softly that Regulus wasn't quite sure he had even heard correctly, Severus spoke:

"Thank you."

_Lastly, when it seems like what's right and what's wrong isn't clearly defined, do what your brother would do. _

Regulus groaned and closed his eyes, wondering if he even knew what kind of mess he'd gotten himself into.

XXX

"Alright, now explain how this works again, Professor," Remus said, his brow furrowing in confusion. They were still in the hospital wing, though none of them wanted to be there anymore. Mary was pacing nervously, and it was obvious that Alice would rather just sit at Lily's side instead of listening to anything the professors had to say.

James, of course, was still furious, and he wasn't attempting to hide it at all.

"The doppelganger cannot speak, so one of you must accompany her at all times. Mr. Potter must handle the Head work alone for however long it takes for Miss Evans to wake. You all must watch how you act. If you treat the doppelganger differently from how you would treat Miss Evans, you will arouse suspicion, so tread carefully." Professor McGonagall took a deep breath and then shook her head slightly. "If all goes well, Miss Evans will be awake and perfectly safe within a week."

"And when the doppelganger is attacked, what will happen to them? Will they be expelled? Suspended?" James asked, still sounding quite angry. McGonagall opened her mouth to answer, but Dumbledore put a hand on her shoulder and shook his head.

"What use is expulsion, Mr. Potter? Should I send them away from Hogwarts to join Voldemort's ranks sooner? No. They will remain at Hogwarts."

"But—"

"I have already had this conversation with your father, James. I do not intend to have it with you as well. Contrary to whatever you might believe, we are far older—and therefore far wiser—than you. Do not presume that we don't understand what we are doing." Remus winced at Dumbledore's stern tone, and he realized that James had finally crossed some sort of line. Thankfully, James seemed to have realized the same thing, because he hung his head and mumbled out an apology. Dumbledore gave him a nod. "Alright, then. I think it's time for you all to go back to your dormitories. Tomorrow is the Hogsmeade trip, I daresay you'd all like to be well-rested for that, yes?"

"Yeah, it'll be loads of fun," James muttered mutinously. "You know, with a _fake_ Lily in tow. We'll all be jolly and merry, won't we?" Remus thought Peter may have mumbled some sort of agreement, and Sirius gave a jerky nod, but otherwise, no one reacted to James's sarcastic remarks. In fact, Mary and Alice both gave James a disapproving glare. Dumbledore, however, just smiled slightly.

"I may be old, James, but I _can_ still detect sarcasm," he said pleasantly, clapping his hands together. "I am not yet deaf."

"It would be wise, Mr. Potter, if for once in your life you _held your tongue_," McGonagall bit out, her lips pressed so tightly together that it resembled nothing more than a thin line. Remus decided that it was high time to get James out of the Hospital Wing. If he allowed this to go on, he was afraid James would end up with detention every day until their N.E. .

"You know what James? I think we have homework for Professor Slughorn's class. We'd best get started on that," Remus said, a little too loudly. Unfortunately, Peter didn't get it.

"_What_? But it's only Friday. We have ages."

"_No_, Peter, we have to start tonight. Right Sirius?" Frank said, giving Sirius a pointed look. Sirius just rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, sure. We have homework. We're going to go to our dormitories and do _homework_. Of course." Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed Peter by the arm. "C'mon, Wormtail. Time to go."

"But I _hate_ Potions!" Peter protested, causing Professor McGonagall to raise an eyebrow.

"You know," Mary said in between snorts of laughter—which, really, wasn't helping—"I hate Potions, too."

"No one cares, MacDonald."

"_I _care."

"You don't count, Peter. Besides, you should be on _my_ side, not hers."

"But I don't want to work on Potions tonight. It's in my best interests to be on Mary's side."

"Yeah, but you don't sleep in the same dormitory as Mary. So if you want to wake up in one piece—" Remus coughed loudly, interrupting Sirius.

"Would you look at the time?" Remus said, looking at his wrist, knowing full well he didn't have a watch on. "We'll be going now. And don't worry about Lily's doppelganger, Professor Dumbledore. We'll take care of…it." Then, without giving Peter time to protest, he grabbed Peter's arm and pulled him out of the Hospital Wing. From behind them, Mary was still chuckling lightly.

"Peter, you're _brilliant_," she said, shaking her head in disbelief. Remus didn't have the heart to point out that Peter had been dead serious the entire time.

XXX

Albus sighed, noticing that James hadn't left with the rest of his classmates. It wasn't a surprise—actually, if the seventh year _had_ left, he'd have been shocked—but it was slightly tiring. He was too old to have to deal with a very disgruntled teenager. But he didn't complain. Instead, he waved Minerva, Filius, and Poppy away, wanting to talk to James alone.

"I have some questions, Professor," James said, his voice quite soft. Albus nodded serenely.

"Ask away, my dear boy. Ask away."

"Why Lily?" James bluntly asked, his voice full of righteous anger. Albus nearly smiled. James's eyes, however, told a different story. They were full of youth, love, and innocence. The boy, despite having dealt with a great deal, had retained his firm belief that good would prevail, that the right thing would persevere. He had every reason to be cynical, yet he was optimistic.

He had hope.

"If you recall, we have known Lily would be their target for some time now," he answered, sighing. "Eventually, this would have happened."

"But there had to be a different way," James said, his shoulders slumping. Albus nodded again.

"Initially, there was a ring. It was supposed to take her to my office if she ever were attacked, but Lily decided to give it to the brave young Slytherin who warned her." James smiled at his words, though it seemed he didn't quite realize it.

"Why not make her another ring?"

"As I said before, I refuse to put my students at risk any longer. I had hoped the attacks would stop, that this could be handled, but I was wrong. I had no choice but to take action."

"But—"

"I was under the impression you wished to ask me questions." James stared at him for a moment, and then he shook his head.

"I think I'm going to go do Potions homework, Professor," he said, turning around. He looked back only once, and it was to stare at the curtains which hid Lily's body from view. Then, he swept out of the Hospital Wing.

Albus closed his eyes and popped a lemon drop into his mouth, sucking on it thoughtfully. He was quite sure the 'attack' on the doppelganger would go smoothly, and he was quite sure that he would catch the students who had the audacity to hurt others in a school. The only thing he wasn't sure of was if Lily would remember, if she'd remember his words, and his warning.

He had said that she knew better than to live in dreams, but he was a fool if he thought that she would be able to resist the temptation easily. After all, he could understand the lure, the need, to embrace a chance to run away from reality.

He had said that she knew better than to live in dreams. He just hoped that that was true.

XXX

She followed her mother down the stairs only to see that her father was reading the newspaper. As if it was any normal day, as if nothing horrifying had ever happened, as if the world wasn't cruel and harsh, and as if Death Eaters didn't exist.

Lily honestly thought she might pass out.

"Good morning, Lil. Slept well?" her father asked without even looking up from his paper. Lily stared at him for a moment before she let out a nervous chuckle.

"Yeah, 'course I did," she mumbled, running her fingers through her hair. Perhaps her father heard something in her voice, because he looked up and gave her a searching look.

"Are you still upset about Petunia's engagement? It's not the end of the world, Lil. She's just getting married. She'll still be your sister." Lily blinked, her mind utterly blank. Petunia was already married, and frankly, she had been quite glad of it, too. While she hated Vernon, Petunia's marriage meant that she'd see even less of her obnoxiously _normal_ older sister.

"No, not at all," Lily said uncomfortably, not quite sure what to say. "I'm sure Vernon will make her very happy." Her father quirked an eyebrow, and he rubbed the stubble on his chin.

"Vernon? You mean that dreadfully boring bloke she was dating several years ago?" her mother asked, shaking her head in confusion. "Why on earth would Petunia want to marry _him_?"

"I thought—"

"Are you alright, Lil? You don't sound like yourself," her father said in concern, giving her another searching look—almost as if he could tell that she just didn't belong there. "Are you having the headaches again?" At his words, Lily's mother turned to look at her, concern filling her eyes.

"Do I need to call Dr. Grayson?" Lily closed her eyes briefly and then shook her head.

"No, I'm fine. _Really_," she added, when it looked like her parents didn't believe her.

"I'll call Petunia. She's always been able to help you whenever you got the headaches. Hold on—"

"Actually," Lily interrupted, shaking her head, "I just need my Hogwarts things. My textbooks, trunk. My wand." She expected her parents to immediately tell her where her school things were; she didn't expect them to both stare at her as if she was from another planet.

"Hogwarts things?" Suddenly, the feeling that this was one big trap came back, and she stuffed her hands in her pockets, searching desperately—as if her wand would reappear there any moment.

Her parents _looked_ the same. Her father had the same straight brown hair, graying slightly at the temples. He still wore those ugly wire-rimmed glasses. He still had the annoying habit of taking his glasses off and wiping the glass with his sleeve before putting them back on. He still had the laugh lines around his eyes, and he still looked like he was just seconds away from telling you the world's greatest secret.

As for her mother, it looked like the accident had never happened. She still looked young and full of life. Her dark hair still fell in the waves that Lily had always been so jealous of—and had tried to imitate for years before finally giving up. And her mother's green eyes—eyes that Lily was so _proud_ to have inherited—were still just as bright as Lily remembered.

But somehow, Lily felt as if the two people in front of her were complete strangers.

"Lily, it's been seven years since you mentioned that school. I didn't know you regretted not attending so much," her mother said softly, her worried look replaced by a slight frown. Lily's eyes widened, panic beginning to fill her.

"Not attending?"

"Well, of course not. After that awful boy hurt Petunia, you said you never wanted to learn…_magic_." For a moment, Lily was confused. What awful boy had hurt Petunia? But then, she remembered. They were talking about Severus, about the day he made Petunia cry…

"_You _must_ remember, Lily. Do you understand? I think we both know what you will see, but no matter how real it seems, you cannot forget. Do not lose sight of reality."_

"_I'll be fine, Professor. I couldn't possibly forget. This is who I am." His blue eyes seemed to have lost their twinkle, and he let out a soft sigh. _

"_I fear you're being overconfident."_

"_I know my parents are dead. And I know I'm a witch. No illusion can make me lose sight of that," Lily protested, shaking her head. The old man with the beard looked at her gravely, and then placed a gentle hand on her shoulder._

"_You underestimate how powerful regret can be, Lily."_

Lily took a deep breath and then smiled at her parents. Somehow, despite being quite sure the old man was someone important, she couldn't recall who he was. It was slightly worrying, really. Not only could she not recall what she was supposed to _remember_, but she also had no clue as to who had even warned her to not forget in the first place. A part of her seemed to realize this was something she should be panicking about, but a greater part of her no longer really cared.

Because _of course_ she'd choose Petunia over Severus. Didn't that just make perfect sense?

_Of course_ she wouldn't go to Hogwarts. Who needed magic when your sister was your best friend?

And _of course_ Petunia wasn't marrying Vernon Dursley. Why would she need to subject herself to a life of dreadful normalcy when she had a perfectly _normal_ family?

"Of course I don't regret not attending Hogwarts," Lily said, feeling awfully more comfortable, and not quite sure why her fingers seemed to be searching her pockets on their own accord. "I'm quite happy the way things are." Her mother smiled brightly at her, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Are your headaches—" she began, but Lily shook her head immediately. Poor Dr. Grayson, she thought. They had put him through so much trouble over the years with these blasted headaches.

"Oh no, there's no need to bother Dr. Grayson. I doubt his wife would want us to bother him so close to Christmas."

"How about a cup of coffee then? It's your mother's special blend," her father asked with a slight smile, no longer looking at her oddly. Lily smiled back and nodded.

"Yes, coffee would be wonderful."

XXX

"James. James, watch this," Sirius said excitedly. James sighed and turned to his best mate, quite sure he already knew what was coming.

After leaving the Hospital Wing they all went to the common room, and sat in the armchairs near the roaring fire, deciding to watch the doppelganger carefully as they discussed what Dumbledore had told them in hushed tones. After the last fifth year went up to bed, though, Sirius had begun his little game, and everyone—even Remus—had gotten into it.

James wouldn't admit it aloud, but it was hard not to find the whole situation slightly ridiculous.

"Sirius, maybe that's enough—" James began, going completely unheeded. Sirius had already turned to the doppelganger with a grin on his face.

"Alright, Lily, will you please hit yourself?" he said. The doppelganger stared at Sirius blankly for a moment, and then for what seemed like the hundredth time that night, it slapped its own face. Sirius roared with laughter, and even Alice chuckled.

"My turn," Mary said excitedly, rubbing her hands together. "Uh, Lily, would you jump up and down on one leg while patting your head, rubbing your stomach, and crossing your eyes?" Without even the slightest expression, the doppelganger stood and did as Mary said, causing everyone to laugh uproariously at the sight of Lily doing something so outrageous.

Lily was a lot of things, but she never_—never_—acted silly. And it was enormously humorous to watch her—at least, the _fake_ her—to do things the real Lily would never do.

Yet, while it was funny, it also was incredibly upsetting.

Because he _missed_ her. Perhaps it was stupid, or mad, or incredibly sappy, but he did. He missed her smile, the way she sometimes blew at her hair to get it out of her eyes, or her silly tendency to want to go to the library every chance she got. It wasn't lost on James that she'd only been laying in the Hospital Wing for half a day, and technically, she hadn't gone anywhere, but _Merlin_, he just missed her.

James sighed and looked at the doppelganger. He wondered how anyone could be stupid enough to mistake this fake for Lily Evans. Lily's eyes weren't just green—that wasn't what made them unique. No, it was the brightness, the life, the way they seemed to shine. And who couldn't tell that this doppelganger didn't have the _passion_ Lily had? The way she just cared about everything? How on earth could the doppelganger trick someone into attacking it when it was just…there? It had no feelings, it had no personality. Frankly, he found the doppelganger to be an insult.

James closed his eyes, wondering if Lily would wake up on time to see that Sirius had won the bet they made, that she owed him ten galleons. He wondered if she'd wake up soon and see that he was dreadfully sorry for how he had acted for the past several weeks. He wondered if she'd wake up at all.

Because he _knew_ what her 'alternate reality' would be. He couldn't say how he knew—after all, Lily very rarely spoke about her parents or about Petunia—but he knew. And he found that he couldn't quite blame her. He'd grown up with the belief that family was everything. How could he possibly blame her for wanting to be with her parents and sister?

What he didn't know was just how different that 'alternate reality' was. Could he be in it? Was he a part of her life? Would she have ever met him at all? Would she even _want _to? James rubbed his eyes furiously, going back to his original thought and focusing only on that, and not on what ifs.

Because, _Merlin_, he _missed_ her.

XXX

Two teaspoons sugar. Somehow, that small bit of information held some sort of significance, and she just didn't know why. Was it part of a recipe? No…she never baked. Why on earth would she try to remember a recipe?

A flash of sitting in a classroom with a boiling cauldron in front of her came to mind, but it was gone in an instant, leaving Lily even more confused.

"I was thinking we'd have the wedding at the church you and dad got married in," Petunia was saying, their mother nodding as she listened. Perhaps had she been less preoccupied with this concept of two teaspoons sugar, Lily would have listened too. "Then again, you said it was too small for a wedding, so maybe…" Lily thought hard and realized she put one teaspoon sugar in her coffee. And sometimes, when she was sick, her mother would heat a glass of milk and add some sugar to it, but it was never _two_ teaspoons. Because two teaspoons of sugar in a drink was rather sweet…

Lily played with her empty cup—having finished the wonderful coffee long ago—wishing she could figure the sugar problem out. Wishing that she could understand just why it was so important to know anyway. Somehow—for some strange, odd, nonsensical reason—she knew it was crucial to remember the significance of the two teaspoons of sugar.

"Lily, what do you think?" Petunia asked, turning to her. Lily blinked in surprise, not understanding why Petunia would even bother to ask her opinion on the matter.

"Um, whatever you like, Tuney," she said, wincing as the nickname came out on its own accord. Petunia just smiled, though, and Lily wasn't quite sure why she was so afraid of her older sister. She thought there was some sort of slap involved, but the more she tried to think about it, the more it seemed to drift away. Suddenly, she felt an ache begin to form in her head.

_I want to be the person that knows all your little things. _She recognized that comment. It had something to do with glasses always sliding down the bridge of someone's nose…the ache was steadily getting worse.

_Tell me what to do in order to prove that this time it's different._ She had so desperately wanted to be kissed. She couldn't understand why he didn't just kiss her…Lily closed her eyes in a futile attempt to block out the pain.

_Because before—before, I just fancied you! But now it's bigger than that. It's so much bigger than that._ It had always been bigger than that, and realizing he felt the same way had made her want to pull him into a broom closet...she rubbed her temples, trying to alleviate the pain.

_I love you, Lily. I love you _so_ much. _

Suddenly, not only could she remember who the old man was, but she could also recall exactly what he had warned her. Don't lose sight of what's real, the Headmaster had said. Don't forget that you can't live in a dream world, that that's no life worth living at all. Professor Dumbledore had warned her to not give in to the temptation of being with her family, a family she had lost because she was born a witch.

_Whatever you may see, whatever might be different, don't forget, Lily. _Without a word to her sister or to her mother, Lily stood up and rushed out of the kitchen, locking herself into her bedroom. Tears began to form in her eyes.

She remembered.

She _remembered_.

She could remember, and she desperately wished she didn't.

XXX

"I overheard them talking. The mudblood isn't going to Hogsmeade. She wants to study." Severus scowled.

"I told you to stop saying that word, Patricks."

"And I _told_ you, Snape, that I don't care what you want. She's a mudblood. A mudblood you want to shag, but still a _mudblood_." Severus touched his wand, knowing that attacking the stupid lump in front of him would do no good. This _had_ to be done. The Dark Lord needed proof that he was loyal to their cause, and it was their job to see just how important Lily was to Dumbledore.

He desperately didn't want this to happen, but he knew it _had _to be done.

Steeling himself, Severus turned to Regulus and gave him a significant look. "You'll go with Patricks. I'll keep watch, make sure no one bothers you two." For a moment, it looked like Regulus was going to disagree, but then the younger boy nodded.

"She's staying here alone? Potter's going to Hogsmeade?" Regulus asked. Patricks shrugged.

"He said he wanted to go. Told the mudblood that he'd meet up with her in the library afterwards."

"Well that's not going to happen, is it?" Regulus said, causing Patricks to laugh.

"That's enough," Severus said, clenching his fists so tightly he was sure his palms were bleeding. He had to count on Regulus. He had to hope that the younger boy would keep his promise He had to believe that Regulus wouldn't hurt Lily. "We have a job to do."

XXX

Remus poured James a cup of coffee, and watched as James just stared blankly at the Slytherin table.

"Do you think they fell for it?" he asked, briefly turning around to look at them. Peter shrugged.

"I hope they do. I mean, the sooner they attack, the sooner Lily wakes up," he said, shrugging again. Remus nodded in agreement, wishing he could help his best mate.

"It'll be fine, James. After all, it's not like they'll actually be hurting Lily."

"Moony is right. The four of us—well, _five_," he amended, grinning slightly, "will have loads of fun in Hogsmeade and Dumbledore will take care of those bastards. Everyone wins."

"You're just happy that you won the bet," Peter said, narrowing his eyes. Though Remus found himself agreeing with Peter, he decided not to get on Sirius's bad side so early in the morning.

"Just drink some coffee and try to relax," Remus said, pushing the cup towards James. For a moment, James just stared at the cup, as if he was unable to comprehend what was being given to him.

"I don't drink coffee in the mornings, Moony. You know that," he finally said, his voice soft, and his eyes sad. Remus rolled his eyes, feeling slightly stupid. Of course James didn't drink coffee. He always had tea. Tea with two teaspoons of sugar.

XXX

When he was younger, he had firmly believed in fate. In destiny. He had thought that everyone had their place, their purpose, and eventually—no matter how difficult it was to get to that point—they always fulfilled what they were put on Earth to do. He was well aware it was a childish thing to believe. After all, every day thousands of senseless things occurred. Things that didn't make sense, things that seemed to serve no purpose. After all, why would a child need to be born into the world only to die weeks later? Or why was it that storms killed innocent people? What was the purpose behind tragedies and violence?

So he had given up his belief. He felt there was no reason to cling to something that made very little sense. But at that moment, at that very second, he wondered if perhaps he had been right. What if there was a purpose for everything? What if there was reason? What if he just didn't see the bigger picture?

It was as if he was just looking at one little corner of a painting, not understanding the full picture because he couldn't concentrate on anything _but_ that one little corner.

And yet, for a moment, for one brief and glorious moment, he _could_ see the whole picture, and he knew—he just _knew—_that what he was doing was wrong.

Severus was standing outside the classroom that they had pushed Evans into, supposedly 'standing guard.' Patricks, on the other hand, seemed almost wickedly excited, twirling his wand between his fingers as he licked his lips in anticipation of what he knew was to come. Regulus just stood there, his wand pointing at the Bound and Silenced girl, wondering how on earth he had gotten to this point.

And he knew, he just _knew,_ that this was not something he could do.

"Are you going to curse her, or not?" Patricks spat, glaring at him. Regulus didn't take his eyes off Evans, staring into her green eyes, wondering if they seemed so dim because she knew what was coming. Had she accepted this 'fate?' Did she believe in destiny as well? Was she just sitting there, not struggling in the least, because she knew that it was inevitable?

Or because she knew that he wasn't going to be able to cast a single curse?

"What the hell is wrong with you, Black? Just curse the mudblood. This isn't that difficult!" Regulus heard Patricks speaking, but he still didn't move. His wand was still held out in front of him, pointed right at Evans' heart, and he wondered what _his_ destiny was.

Was he fated to always be known as the younger brother of Sirius? Always destined to be a follower of what others considered to be right? Couldn't he take a stand? _Just this once_, couldn't he decide he didn't want to do something? Always, _always_, he had to do what others told him to do. When he was younger it was his parents and Sirius. And then, when he first entered Hogwarts, Cissy and Bella told him what to do through letters. Now, the likes of Severus and Patricks gave him orders.

He didn't want to be that person anymore. He didn't want to be the follower all the time. He wanted to make his own choice, wanted to figure out what was right for himself. And he knew—damn it, he just _knew_—that this, this complete mess, was _not_ what he was destined for.

Slowly, as if he was moving through water, he lowered his wand.

"You're a fucking coward, Black. A fucking _coward_. Just like your disgusting mudblood-loving brother. I'll take care of this myself," Patricks said, shoving Regulus aside. He didn't hear the curse that Patricks yelled, because at that moment, the four Heads of Houses—and the Headmaster himself—appeared out of nowhere, standing in front of them with wands in hand.

"Minerva, Horace, if you wouldn't mind, please collect Mr. Snape from the corridor," Dumbledore said quietly, his blue eyes as cold as ice. Regulus felt himself shudder, and he avoided the glare that Patricks was giving him.

Surprisingly, Dumbledore didn't free Evans from her binds. He barely even spared her a glance. Instead, he was staring steadily at Regulus. Frankly, the old man was scaring him, but Regulus stared right back, thinking that if he was going to get expelled, he'd might as well take it like a man.

After that not-so-pleasant thought, the door to the classroom opened, and a sullen looking Severus shuffled in, flanked by the two teachers. Slughorn looked unusually solemn, and McGonagall looked like she had swallowed something rather disgusting. It was somewhat upsetting for Regulus; he was used to his teachers liking him. After all, he had always done well in class, and though no one ever gushed about it like with his brother, he had the same easy charm as Sirius.

"I'm afraid the three of you are in a great deal of trouble," Dumbledore said, looking at them gravely. Patricks smirked.

"Expel us then. I don't care." Dumbledore, with his midnight blue robes and his half moon glasses, rarely ever seemed to be the legendary warlock that was able to defeat Grindewald. But at that moment, not only was Dumbledore every bit as intimidating as the stories said, he actually exuded an air of power. It was impressive and also rather frightening.

"I will not expel the three of you. I will not cast you out of Hogwarts so that you can join Voldemort's ranks sooner rather than later. But I will _not_ allow another student get harmed." The Headmaster turned to McGonagall, who nodded and began to speak.

"Effectively immediately, you are not allowed to roam the castle without a teacher with you. You will not have any meals in the Great Hall. You will be given extra assignments in all your classes. You will have two hours of detention daily. There will be no Hogsmeade visits for any of you. You will not participate in Quidditch—not as a player or as a spectator. You will not be allowed to send or receive any mail. And finally, you have an earlier curfew. If any of these rules are broken, you will not be allowed to take your N.E. . If there is a second offense, your wand will be taken from you." Patricks actually growled, but Regulus and Severus had been shocked into silence. Could they actually do any of that? Was this even _legal_?

"You wouldn't dare—" Patricks began, but Dumbledore held up a hand, silencing him.

"I think you'd find that this is well within my rights as Headmaster. The school governors agree that the three of you are a liability. Apparently, their own children have suffered at _your_ hands. Odd, isn't it?" Regulus expected Dumbledore to actually grin at that point. He had _never_ heard the Headmaster sound so…smug.

"And what if we don't care about stupid tests?" Patricks spat. It was their Head of House who answered.

"Perhaps you don't care, Mr. Patricks. Your grades are abysmal. However, Mr. Black and Mr. Snape are quite the different story. You'll find that they care a great deal." Regulus spared a look at Severus and noticed that he was staring at Evans, who was _still _bound. The older boy was shaking with what seemed to be anger.

"You tricked us," he bit out, surprising Regulus. Dumbledore nodded.

"Surely you didn't think I'd actually let you harm Miss Evans, did you?" The Headmaster snapped his fingers and the girl on the floor—the girl Regulus had assumed to be Evans—disappeared in a cloud of smoke. "I merely needed to catch you in the act. And here we are." Again, Dumbledore sounded quite smug.

"You tricked us," Severus repeated, his eyes slightly wide. Patricks rolled his eyes, but said nothing. Dumbledore looked at the three of them evenly before focusing his gaze on Regulus.

"Minerva, please take Mr. Snape and Mr. Patricks back to their common room. I wish to speak to Mr. Black alone." McGonagall nodded, and she ushered Patricks and Severus out, with the other teachers filing out behind her. Regulus swallowed, looking at Dumbledore nervously. "As you are aware, you're constantly compared to your older brother." Regulus nodded, wishing he could have been dismissed as well.

"I am aware," he said. Not bitterly, not even jealously. Just softly. Dumbledore nodded wisely, his eyes twinkling madly.

"You are an odd young man, Regulus. You lowered your wand. Why is that?" Regulus blinked, not quite understanding why they were discussing something so trivial.

"Does it matter?" he asked, not very politely. Dumbledore studied him carefully.

"Not only do your parents compare you to Sirius, but so does everyone else you know. From your friends to your teachers. Even worse is your own tendency to compare yourself to your brother." He gave Regulus a knowing look, as if he could personally understand the difficulty of having a brother who you were constantly compared with. "The two of you are quite different. Perhaps you consider that a bad thing, but remember this: You are _not_ your brother. You have qualities that make you special, just as he has qualities that make him special. You would do well not to dwell on how you're different in a bad way, but how you're different in a _good_ way." Regulus frowned, officially completely confused. He had no idea what Dumbledore was trying to say.

"Professor—"

"Sirius has shown himself to be capable of things you clearly are not. _You_ lowered your wand." Dumbledore smiled at him, looking as if he was proud of Regulus. "Strive to be your own man. Be who you _want_ to be. Don't let your feelings towards Sirius push you to make a mistake you will regret."

"Sirius says that I've already made a mistake I'll regret," Regulus blurted, shocked that he had spoken at all. He hadn't intended to say that. There was just something about the Headmaster…it was as if he could trust the older man. Dumbledore looked at him kindly for a moment and then shook his head.

"Mistakes don't define who you are, Regulus. What defines you is if you have the ability to look back and be honorable enough to realize you made the mistake. What matters is that you strive to never make that mistake again."

"And if I do make it again?" For a moment, it seemed like Dumbledore wasn't going to answer. But then he sighed.

"Then it ceases to be a mistake. It's who you are." Regulus frowned, feeling as if they weren't talking about the same thing anymore. But something inside him burned to ask one final question. Perhaps it was fate egging him on to ask his Headmaster, or perhaps it had always been written somewhere that he'd turn to the last person he'd have ever thought of for help.

"And if you're just born a certain way? What if—what if it's something in your blood? That you either get it or you don't?" Dumbledore's eyes shone and he placed a gentle hand on Regulus's shoulder.

"Nothing is predestined, Regulus. You _always_ have the ability to change. You aren't born good or evil. It takes more than blood to be a certain way. It takes years of making mistakes, years of choices, _years_ of growing up."

"So you don't believe in fate? In destiny? You don't think that we all are predetermined to do something?" There was a small smile on Dumbledore's face when he answered, as if he had never heard such an interesting question before.

"We are all here for a reason, Regulus. But what that reason—what our purpose—is, well, it's entirely up to us. _You_ get to decide what you want to do with your life. _You_ get to decide your reason for being here." Regulus didn't answer. He just stared at the Headmaster, wondering if he could possibly be right.

XXX

Lily's hands shook violently. Slowly, she opened the door to her room and headed back downstairs.

It was hard, she thought sadly. It was _so_ hard. And it wasn't fair. Why was it that she was given a chance to be with her parents only to have it taken away? Why was it that she remembered?

_Because of James_, she thought, her heart fluttering. If it hadn't been for him, she didn't think she would have minded living in this dream world forever. She wouldn't have minded giving up reality. If it hadn't been for James.

If she was honest with herself, she _had_ briefly considered giving him up for all this. Giving him up, giving magic up, all to be with her family once more. But she couldn't do it. As much as she loved her parents and her sister, she had long since accepted that they were no longer part of her life. Her parents had died, and Petunia wanted nothing to do with her. She had accepted this truth, and had moved on.

When she reached the kitchen, her sister and her mother were looking at her worriedly. Lily's heart ached, but she wasn't going to allow her resolve to waver.

"Are you alright, Lily? Did something happen?" her mother asked, rushing forward and taking her hand. Lily flinched and pulled away.

"I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry," she said softly, shaking her head.

"Lily? You're acting oddly," Petunia said, looking at her like she had gone mad. In a way, though, Lily supposed she had. She was utterly insane.

"I love you, Tuney. _So much_. And I will miss you every day, even if you hate me. I will—" she stopped, rubbing the tears that had formed in her eyes away furiously, hating that she was so weak at a moment that she needed to be strong. "Tell dad that I love him with all my heart. Tell him that he was probably the strongest person I knew, that it must have been hard to look after two girls who hated each other all by himself." Lily stopped, shaking her head. "Just tell him that I miss him."

"Lily, why are you talking this way? You're frightening me," her mother said, looking like she was about to cry. Lily paused for a moment, rather unsure, but then she rushed forward and clutched her mother tightly—for what she _knew_ would be the last time.

"I wanted nothing more than to be exactly like you. Kind, generous, intelligent…you were everything to me, mum. I love you, and I will always love you. But I can't stay here. I have to go."

"I don't know what you're talking about," said her fake mother, pulling away a little to look her youngest daughter straight in the eyes, tears streaming down her face. "Let me make you my special coffee. Have a cup. And we can talk. Alright, Lily?" Slowly, with great difficulty, Lily shook her head.

"No, mum. I only drink tea with two teaspoons sugar." Lily closed her eyes.

"Lily—" But she didn't hear the rest. She was suddenly aware of laying on a bed, and someone holding her hand tightly, occasionally letting out a gentle snore.

She already knew where she was, and honestly, she didn't want to open her eyes. She wanted to fall back asleep, to go back to the world where everything was fine. Regret filled her entire core, and without really knowing why, she let out a sob. The someone holding her hand let go immediately.

"Lily?" His breath smelled like tea. Still, she didn't open her eyes.

"My mum was fine," she said softly. "My dad was healthy. And Tuney didn't hate me. I had them all back, James." She heard the bed let out a protest when he sat on it, and she felt him begin to stroke her hair.

"You had them all back," he repeated softly, and she knew he understood. He wanted his mother to be healthy again, for her to go back to what she'd been before.

"But it was a dream."

"It was."

"A painful dream." She expected James to answer, so when he didn't, she finally opened her eyes. He was looking down, staring at her hand, his glasses perched precariously on his nose. "James?"

"It may have been painful, but Lil, it gave you something."

"What? What did it give me?" she snapped, wondering if he realized what he was even saying.

"It gave you a chance to say goodbye." Lily's mouth fell open in surprise, realizing that he was right. She wanted to say something, but he continued to speak. "Not to sound selfish or—or cruel or anything, but I'm glad you chose reality."

"Why?" she asked, somewhat stupidly.

"Because you're back. And because, _Merlin_, I _missed_ you." Lily waited until he looked up again, and she smiled at him. She could have said so much. She could have told him that he was the reason she remembered at all. That she didn't think she would have come back to reality if it hadn't been for him. That he had somehow become everything to her. Yet, she didn't say any of that; she was quite sure he already knew.

"Let's go convince the house-elves to make us a pot of tea," she said instead, her heart fluttering. James looked slightly surprised, but he nodded, stood up, and held out a hand. It took less than a second for Lily to take it—because there seemed to be more to her reality than she could ever have dreamed.

**I dedicate this chapter to Monkeywoman14, who I seem to have successfully managed to fool into thinking that I can write (Huzzah! How smart am I?). Thanks so much for actually liking this story, and I hope you have a very happy birthday! **

**I really hope you all liked this chapter! Review? **


	30. Relative Dangers of Going to a Toilet

_A brief recap, as it's been forever since the last chapter: _

_Kate joins the Death Eaters in order to protect her family and because she believes her friends have abandoned her. She is sent to Azkaban after failing to help Death Eaters infiltrate the castle walls. However, despite the fact that she's gone, other students who have joined the Death Eaters remain. These students plan to attack Lily, but thanks to a Slytherin first year, Jane, Dumbledore and the other professors manage to catch the Death Eater wannabes in the act. Meanwhile, Sean and Marlene—as well as the rest of the Order—discover that the prisoners have escaped Azkaban. While the Ministry desperately tries to hide the fact that the Dementors are no longer in their control, life at Hogwarts returns to relative normalcy. At least, as normal as it could possibly get. _

Chapter Thirty- The Relative Dangers of Going to a Toilet

In the course of seventy-two hours, Lily had been verbally assaulted, apologized to, cried on, and had been asked to do something that she probably shouldn't have agreed to.

In fact, it was hard to believe that the chain of events that had led up to being pressed up against the wall, one rather gentle hand on her shoulder and another holding her wand hand tightly, had been instigated by her insistence on using the restroom after lunch. Perhaps had she actually bothered to wait until she reached the Gryffindor tower, she could have avoided the entire thing.

Lily sighed, realizing it didn't matter where she went after lunch. Apparently, he was adamant. _This_, this odd situation she found herself in, wasn't something she could have avoided.

"You don't have to hold me so tightly, you know," she said in irritation, rolling her eyes. "I'm not going to run off."

"Oh no, Evans. I _don't_ trust you," he said, his grey eyes wide with…was it nervousness? She rolled her eyes again.

"If I wanted you to get caught, I would have yelled by now, wouldn't I? Now let me go. I'll answer your stupid questions." She knew she was being snarky, and she knew that may not have been the best idea—especially considering _who_ the boy was—but by that point, she really didn't care.

"They're not stupid questions, Evans. This is serious." Despite the harshness of his voice, he released her, handing her wand back to her with a wry smile. She wondered if he knew how utterly endearing he was, and if he realized that he couldn't have hurt her even if he _wanted _to—so the act he was putting up was entirely pointless.

"They _are_ stupid questions_, _because you already know the answer to them. You're just asking me to validate yourself." He blinked.

"That's not true."

"Oh yes it is. But it's alright. I'll answer you anyway." She straightened her robes and gave him a smile, something he avoided by looking away.

"How do you know my questions already?" he asked, now staring at his shoes. Lily put a hand on his shoulder, shocking him into looking at her.

"Please, if you were here for any other reason, do you think we'd be so civil?"

"I don't think pushing you up against the wall, taking your wand, and holding my hand over your mouth is very civil," he said slowly, looking at her in confusion. Lily rolled her eyes—for the _third_ time.

"Necessary precaution," she said with a shrug. "You couldn't have me shout out, now could you?" For a moment, she was sure he would just leave—deem her far too mad to answer any questions of his adequately—but instead he smiled.

"I can see why Sirius likes you so much," he said, his grin widening. Lily could have said many things—she could have talked about how happy he looked at that moment, how innocent. She could have told him that he didn't need to ask anyone anything because he was doing very well on his own. She could have told him that at that moment—in the few seconds that they just stood there awkwardly, staring at each other—he was suddenly the younger brother she never had. But, of course, she said none of that. Instead, she smiled back slightly.

"And to think, you would never have been able to talk to me if I didn't need to use the loo."

XXX

_Three days earlier:_

The only thing good that could be said of the Hospital Wing was that it was quiet. Unfortunately for her, Madame Pomfrey had allowed Sirius and Mary in to visit her, and the entire wing had suddenly been filled with their voices and laughter.

Normally, Lily would love to be with her friends, but at that moment she wanted nothing more than for Sirius and Mary to leave so she could _sleep_.

"Pomfrey says you'll be well enough to leave today! Isn't that exciting, Lil?" Mary said, grinning knowingly. Lily nodded half-heartedly, a part of her wishing Pomfrey would let her stay just one more day. She greatly valued the peace.

After she had woken up from the 'opportunity' to see her family again, Lily had been kept in the Hospital Wing. It supposedly was to 'ensure she was perfectly healthy before leaving,' but Lily knew that James had begged Pomfrey to keep her in the Hospital Wing. It was his way of ensuring she had bed rest.

Of course, it probably would have been better if he just prohibited Sirius and Mary from spending any time with her.

The two of them seemed to want to make up for any lost time. Sirius was adamant that despite the fact she never even saw his 'date' to Hogsmeade, he did manage to get one, so he had won the bet. Mary, on the other hand, said that she didn't feel like she spent enough time with her best friend lately, and she wanted to rectify that immediately.

As for Lily, well, the whole thing was rather tiring, and she just wanted to tune out her two most loquacious friends and perhaps read a book.

"Professor Slughorn pushed back his 'party.' Said he couldn't possibly _dream_ of having it without you," Sirius said, imitating Slughorn rather well. Lily groaned, quite frustrated. She had been hoping to avoid the silly occasion.

"Someone should give him an unlimited supply of crystallized pineapple—as long as he promises to stop the Slug Club invitations," Mary said, grinning. Sirius looked at her appreciatively and nodded.

"I didn't realize you could say anything intelligent, MacDonald."

"I didn't realize you knew what the word 'intelligent' meant, Black."

"And _I_ didn't realize the two of you were quite so annoying," Lily muttered. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? So, Miss Evans is expressing her annoyance? I didn't know you could do that. What else have you hidden up your sleeve?" Lily stared at him for a moment, and then leaned forward, motioning for him to lean in as well.

"I have a wand, and if you don't shut up, I'll shove it up your nostril," she hissed. Mary burst into a fit of giggles, but Sirius seemed unfazed.

"Oh, Wit. I'm flattered, but I don't go for redheads. Save the euphemisms for James, eh?" Lily narrowed her eyes in distaste, but Mary seemed unable to breathe. She was holding her sides, hunched over, her obnoxious laughter echoing in the hospital wing.

"I will never admit this—ever—to anyone else, but that was a good one, Black!" she managed to say between laughs. Lily just rolled her eyes before flopping back and sinking into the comfort of her pillows; it didn't matter if she said that his joke didn't make sense. She could have said it till she turned blue. It wasn't as if either of them would listen. Sirius and Mary, however, were blissfully unaware; instead, they were trying to set a record for how many words could be said in a single minute.

"Remember Jimmy the niffler?"

"How could I ever forget Jimmy? Or how terrorized James was by him."

"Well, I had to get rid of him, but apparently, Professor Kettleburn has kept him! I'm allowed to visit on the weekends."

"That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard."

"It's not pathetic. Jimmy is a valued friend and honorary Marauder. He's important." At his words, Lily sat up again, her brow furrowing in confusion.

"Wait, Jimmy—the niffler that tried to eat James's fingers—is an honorary Marauder?" Sirius nodded happily, either oblivious to the dangerous tone in her voice, or—rather more likely—merely didn't care. "So, basically, I have the same status as a _niffler_?" Sirius blinked several times and then looked at Mary for help. Mary, of course, was once again lost in a fit of laughter, and was in no position to give any aid.

"Well, er, yes." Mary immediately shook her head in warning, and Sirius backpedaled rapidly. "I mean, no. You're _more_ than an honorary Marauder. You're…uh, a semi-official Marauder."

"Semi-official? What does that even mean?"

"Well, you're a half Marauder. When you and James get married, you'll be full Marauder." Lily stared at him for a moment before pointing to the door.

"Go away. Go visit your stupid niffler. Just go." Sirius nodded and as he walked off, he began to mumble under his breath.

"Great. Now I have to find the Code and write in this half Marauder nonsense…" Once he was gone, Mary wiped at her eyes and grinned widely at Lily.

"You know, he's grown on me somewhat."

XXX

Frank stared at her.

"You're doing it again," Alice muttered, looking away from her book and raising an eyebrow.

"Doing what?" Frank asked, surprised that she had spoken at all.

"Staring at me." He grinned, knowing he looked rather smug—and probably stupid—but he couldn't help it.

"I'm not staring," he said, blatantly lying and not even caring. Alice narrowed her eyes.

"Now you're lying. Not exactly a good sign, is it?" Frank frowned, not understanding what she meant.

"Not a good sign?" he repeated, leaning towards her with a slight grin. Alice blushed.

"If you're lying now, what will you be doing in ten years?" she asked, her voice wavering. He leaned even closer, practically touching her. Just as he was about to answer her question, James and Sirius ambled through the portrait hole, talking loudly.

"What d'you mean Lily 'propositioned' you?" James was asking Sirius, a frown on his face. Sirius shrugged.

"I don't know, ask your girlfriend. Although, I don't quite know why you're surprised. Frankly, I'm astonished it hasn't happened earlier." James glared at Sirius.

"Take it back!"

"I can't take it back!"

"Take it back, Padfoot!"

"No! It's not my fault I'm better than you!" Sirius yelled, ducking to the side when James tried to tackle him. Frank stared at the two of them.

"I don't know whether they're being serious or not," he said honestly. Alice laughed.

"I don't think they know, either," she said, shaking her head. James had Sirius in a headlock by that point, yelling for him to take back his words over and over again. Yet, each time, Sirius just laughed maniacally. "I don't think I know _anyone_ as immature as these two." Unfortunately for Alice, James and Sirius had heard her, and as one, turned to look at her with horrified looks on their faces.

"Did you hear that, Prongs?"

"I did, Padfoot."

"What d'you think we should do?"

"Well, we must prove her wrong."

"And however will we do that?"

"Throw her into the lake?"

"And let the Giant Squid have her?"

"Why yes, that is a very good idea. I hear he's lonely now that Lily is no longer willing to date him over me."

"Of course, you're right. It isn't right for the Giant Squid to be alone."

"No, not right at all." They both grinned at her, crossing their arms over their chests, looking rather smug. Alice turned to Frank with wide eyes.

"They _are_ joking, right? _Right?_" she repeated when Frank just shrugged. James and Sirius took several steps towards her, their grins widening. "Frank, do something!" Alice said hurriedly. Frank chuckled, kissed her, and then looked at James and Sirius.

"She doesn't have her wand," he said. Alice's mouth dropped open, and she looked like he had just betrayed her. James and Sirius both had a hand on her shoulder when Frank held up a hand. "Wait," he said, noticing that a spark of hope appeared in Alice's eyes. "Can I help?" The spark disappeared to be replaced with a glare. It was a glare that promised she would get him back for this.

XXX

"You _threw_ Alice into the lake?" Lily asked in shock, blinking at James. Mary roared with laughter along with Sirius and Frank. James, however, had the decency to look slightly ashamed.

"No," he said slowly. "We gently lowered her into the lake. There's a big difference." At his words, the rest of the Gryffindor table burst into laughter, causing Lily to glare at them all. Alice, however, sat quietly, eating her dinner as if nothing was wrong.

"And you _helped?_" Lily asked Frank, ignoring James's response. Frank grinned slightly.

"She called me a liar." To everyone's surprise, Alice let out a snort at his words, shaking her head.

"You're such an idiot," she said fondly. Lily stared at her friend for a second, not quite sure why she seemed so perfectly all right with the fact that her fiancé and his friends had thrown her into a lake which housed a giant squid. If anything, she should have been furious—or at least disappointed.

"I feel like I'm missing something," Lily said, shaking her head in confusion. Alice looked over at her, the smile on her face becoming positively feral.

"You see, Frank seems to think that this is over. But he won't be so cocky when I get him back," she said, her eyes flashing with something strange. "He's forgotten that I underwent all that training. I have _dozens_ of tricks up my sleeve." Lily leaned away from Alice, giving her the brightest smile she could muster.

"Um, well, cheers?" she said, wincing when it came out as a question. Alice grinned.

"Don't be nervous, Lily. I won't bother you. You'll just be my partner in crime."

"Can Mary have that job? I mean, after all, I _am_ Head Girl and Mary is certainly better at this sort of thing…" Lily protested weakly, trailing off when Alice rolled her eyes. Frank and James snorted, staring at Alice with smug expressions.

"You obviously don't know Lily. As if she'd ever do something like this," James said, grinning. Lily felt her cheeks heat up, and she remembered how they all seemed shocked when she made that wager with Sirius the day before the Hogsmeade trip. Suddenly, she wanted to prove them wrong.

"We'll see about that," Lily snapped, glaring at James before turning to Alice. "What d'you need me to do?" The other girl just smiled, a dangerous glint in her eyes.

XXX

Remus frowned as he watched Peter.

The common room was crowded, and was filled with a ceaseless chatter. Sirius and Frank had their heads together, urgently discussing something—probably about whatever prank Alice and Lily were planning—their hands waving about in the air. Lily, however, was sitting on the ground, leaning against James and reading a book as he worked on Transfiguration homework. Mary was snoring away on one of the better armchairs, comfortable directly in front of the roaring fire, while Alice giggled as she used her wand to draw all over Mary's face.

Peter, however, was glaring unabashedly at Lily.

Remus had noticed this behavior before; it had started several days before Lily was placed under the magical coma. He hadn't, however, thought that it would continue. It just made no sense.

Why was Peter angry with Lily?

By default, Remus tended to give his friends a great deal of leeway. After everything they risked for him, it seemed rather silly to get upset with them over small things. It didn't matter when Peter ransacked his chocolate stash, or when Sirius took his wand to frame him for a prank. What were those small things compared to becoming Animagi in order to help him with his transformations every month? But the glaring—and the fact that Peter had become uncharacteristically quiet over the past several weeks—had reached a point that not even Remus could ignore. Even worse was the fact that Lily seemed to have noticed the glaring, and seemed decidedly uncomfortable about it. Making a decision quickly, Remus got up and walked over to where Peter sat, standing next to him as casually as he could.

"Something the matter, Wormtail?" Remus asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Peter didn't even bother to look away from Lily.

"No. Why do you ask?" Peter muttered, tapping his fingers against the armchair. Remus raised an eyebrow.

"C'mon, Peter. Don't lie to me. Something is off. What is it?" For a moment, Remus didn't think that Peter would answer. The smaller boy's lips pursed into a thin line, his shoulders squared, and his eyes narrowed. But then, Peter finally looked away from Lily and stared at Remus, his cheeks flushed.

"She stole Prongs," he said, his voice harsh. It was nothing like what Remus was used to, and, quite frankly, Peter's tone and facial features just worried him even more.

"What d'you mean, 'she stole Prongs?'" Remus asked calmly, taking great care in hiding his worry.

"He _never_ spends any time with us. He _never_ stops talking about her. He's not the same Prongs from before." Remus let out a sigh, wondering why he was so surprised. After all, he and Sirius had the same exact thoughts. But then again, he and Sirius hadn't resorted to glaring at Lily…

"Peter, you don't really believe that, do you?" Remus asked, leaning closer to Peter, not wanting to be overheard. Peter's fists clenched.

"I do believe that," he said stiffly, resuming his glaring. Remus suddenly felt a surge of pity for Lily. Things just never were easy for her, were they?

"Peter, has Lily and James dating _really_ changed anything? Think about it. Doesn't James still sneak into Hogsmeade with you to get butterbeer? And doesn't Lily still spend every Saturday tutoring you? I know James talks about her more, but isn't this happy, sappy talk better than his moping from before?" Peter blinked in surprise, obviously not expecting a rational conversation. Perhaps he had thought Remus would just shake his head and walk off, or even merely say that he was wrong and leave it at that.

"Well, that's true…" Peter admitted grudgingly. He looked at Remus with a curious expression on his face. "So…you're okay with them? You don't mind that James is different?" Remus patted Peter's shoulder.

"We can't expect him to stay the same forever, Wormtail! Eventually, all of us are going to change. So James changed sooner than we did. Is that a big deal?"

"He doesn't do any more pranks," Peter protested weakly.

"Weren't you there at dinner? He and Sirius threw Alice in the lake!" Finally, with great reluctance, Peter let out a sigh, looking as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

"You're right. He's still James."

"Exactly." Remus patted Peter's shoulder once more, forcing his friend to look at him. "I'm not the only one that noticed your glaring, Wormtail. You need to apologize to her."

"Why on earth would I do that?" he demanded, looking scandalized.

"Just because Lily hasn't said anything, just because she's been patient enough to ignore your glares, it doesn't mean you're in the clear. You have to apologize."

"Please," Peter said, rolling his eyes. "If it wasn't for her, James wouldn't have changed." Remus had to resist the urge to smack his friend on the back of the head. It was obvious this conversation wasn't going anywhere.

"She's your friend, Peter. Lily is your friend just as much as James."

"James has been my friend longer," Peter muttered defensively. Remus closed his eyes briefly, losing his patience.

"You're so hopeless," he said, shaking his head in frustration. "I didn't think you'd treat a friend this way." Then, without another word, he headed towards the boys' dormitories, exhausted and irritated with the conversation.

He had thought by getting involved he could help, but it seemed all he had done was make Peter more adamant. He should have known it was better to stay silent.

XXX

"I don't know what you think you'll accomplish, Marlene," Sean said calmly, his eyes devoid of all emotion. Of course, the fact that he was trying so hard to mask what he was feeling was a sure sign that he was infuriated. That knowledge gave Marlene a little bit of satisfaction, and assured her that what she was doing was right.

If Sean was against it, that meant she had to do it.

"I think I'm giving a fellow member of the Order the news the rest of us already received. Is that really so bad?" Sean stood up, his chair grating across the kitchen floor, and shook his head before staring at the ceiling—as if in prayer.

"Evans isn't a part of the Order," he said, a waver in his voice. It nearly made Marlene grin; a few more minutes of arguing and that stupid wall Sean always built up around him would go crashing down.

"She risked her life for the Order—isn't that enough for her to become a member? Or does she have to fall to Death Eaters before you agree that she belongs with us?" Sean rubbed his temples, agitation clear on his face. Any second now…

"I'm not saying she's not brave, and I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to know. But dammit, Marlene, she's not even eighteen! It isn't fair to her."

"We're barely twenty-one!" Marlene took a deep breath, looking at Sean with a pleading look. She understood his desire to protect Lily, but they had kept secrets from the seventh year long enough. "Shielding her won't help at all, Sean. You know that." His right hand shook, and he clenched it into a tight fist, his lips pressed into a thin line.

Marlene knew her husband better than he thought she did. She knew that he closed himself off because he had seen far too many friends fall. She knew that he didn't want to see more Hogwarts students enter the fray. She knew that he felt _sorry_ for Lily. At the end of the day, Marlene was quite sure that if given the chance, Sean would ensure that none of them would have to fight anymore—and that was exactly why he wanted to do everything he could to prevent Lily from getting involved.

What Sean didn't seem to realize was that Lily did not share his desire to stay out of the fight.

"It isn't right." Sean muttered, slumping into his chair and pushing the cup of tea in front of him away—as if it had done him some personal wrong. "None of this is right."

"Lily is brave," Marlene muttered. Sean's eyes flashed.

"This has nothing to do with bravery!" he said angrily. "You think I don't know she's brave? Or that James Potter is brave? They're all too bloody brave for their own good. I just don't think they know what they're getting into."

"Of course they do! D'you realize how much they've done for the Order—just from Hogwarts?"

"Oh yes, all the things they've done under the watchful eye of Dumbledore."

"What about _Videranimae_?" If she had thought that would convince him, she had been very wrong. The walls, which she had worked so hard to break down, immediately went right back up.

"You didn't see James that day, Marlene. You didn't see his face when he saw Lily—how devastated he looked. The Order could very well have killed her in their eagerness to help the muggle-borns. And that would have destroyed him." Again, his tone was even, his features emotionless. For a moment, Marlene thought about giving up, but then she remembered how hard Lily had worked in order to learn the spell, how she had been so ready to give it her all—purely because it was a cause she believed in with all her heart.

"So this has nothing to do with Lily at all. You don't want to tell a fellow Order member news that directly concerns her because you feel sorry for James?"

"Grow up, Marlene," Sean said angrily, shaking his head. "You know as well as I do that that has nothing to do with it." Of course, Marlene could tell he was lying. The fact that he wouldn't look her in the eye was proof enough.

"You know that if we tell Lily, it'll only make her more determined. And that would drag her deeper into the Order. And you don't want that to happen. But why, Sean? Why does it matter this much to you?" For a moment, he looked conflicted, as if he was uncertain whether or not he should speak. But then, his shoulders drooped, and he closed his eyes sadly.

"I don't want them to deal with what we deal with. I don't want them to have to wonder if maybe one of them won't show up the next day—that a mission had gone wrong. I just…I just don't want them to be like us." Marlene blinked, finally realizing why Sean was so protective. She felt a surge of affection for her husband, and she leaned forward, kissing him gently on the cheek.

She understood why he was so protective of the two seventh years, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter that he had seen a little bit of himself in James's devastated face, or that he saw Marlene in Lily's determination. It didn't matter because it wasn't his place to dictate their lives.

"I'm still telling her," Marlene said carefully. Sean nodded sadly.

"It's the right thing to do," he admitted, studying his hands intently. Marlene wondered if he could possibly be shedding tears.

"But you wish it wasn't." She hadn't said it as a question—merely stated it as fact—but Sean answered anyway, his voice sounding off.

"Dear Merlin, I wish it wasn't."

XXX

Breakfast was a lonely affair.

She had come down with Alice and Mary, but when the former saw Frank, she dashed off—an attempt to avoid him—which of course meant that Mary had followed in order to help 'keep the peace.' Though Lily knew that 'keep the peace' actually meant that Mary would tease Frank and Alice as mercilessly as possible, she said nothing. Instead, she propped her elbows on the table, resting her hand in her hands.

They all had asked about what happened when she was in the magical coma—Remus, Sirius, Mary, Alice, and even Frank. They seemed curious, and rather awed. Of course, Lily hadn't told them anything. Somehow, she felt that admitting she saw her parents would be admitting some sort of innate weakness within her, and she hated the feeling of helplessness that overpowered her merely at the thought. Then again, the dreams that _proved_ her weakness were far worse than any feelings she had.

Lily sighed, pushing her thoughts about the dreams away. After all, she was tortured enough every time she closed her eyes. She wasn't masochistic enough to also want to cause herself pain when she was awake.

"What's wrong with you, Evans?" Lily dropped her hands, surprised to see Sirius sitting across from her, piling marmalade on his toast as he stared at her in concern.

"Nothing. Why are you here alone?" Sirius flashed her a grin.

"Oh, Wit. I thought we've been over this before. If I ask you a question, you can't answer with a question of your own." Lily stared at him for a full minute before he relented—rolling his eyes good-naturedly. "If you _must_ know, I have no idea where my prattish mates are. When I woke up, they were all gone, and James has the Map." Lily nodded, staring at her piece of toast with disinterest. "Now, answer _my_ question," Sirius demanded, sounding rather solemn. Lily looked at him and shrugged.

"I haven't slept well lately, that's all."

"C'mon Evans, you know better than to lie to me," Sirius said, shaking his head in mock disappointment. Lily bit her lip, unsure if she should tell Sirius when she hadn't even spoken to James yet…

Then again, she really didn't want to talk to James about this. He would just worry.

"I'm having an issue," she admitted slowly, looking at Sirius carefully, waiting to see how he would react. "And I thought it would go away on its own, but it didn't." Sirius blinked, a grin appearing on his face.

"Are you pregnant, Lil?" he asked slyly, looking at her proudly. Lily blushed and kicked him hard in the shins, savoring his groan of pain.

"If you don't take this seriously, I won't tell you anything," she said furiously. Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but Lily cut him off. "And no puns with your name, Sirius! They're not funny."

"Fine! I'll be perfectly serious." He sat up straight, obviously trying to give off a somber air, but the effect was ruined by the large grin on his face—which clearly stated he knew exactly what he had just done. "Go ahead." Lily debated whether or not to continue for a brief moment, but then decided that it might be better to tell someone—even if that someone was _Sirius_—just to get it off her chest.

"I've been having a dream—a nightmare, really—every night. I dream that all this—you, James, the others, even Hogwarts—is merely an escape from reality. That any second I'll wake up, and you'll all be gone." Sirius frowned, something flickering in his eyes.

"Lily, you've just—"

"—wait! Hear me out. Each time I wake up from the 'coma,' I don't feel sad or angry, or anything. I'm…relieved. I'm just relieved that the world with my parents is the real one. I'm relieved that none of you are real—that magic isn't real." She put her head down on the table, unable to look into Sirius's understanding eyes any longer. "Why would I be relieved?" she asked, her voice muffled by her arms.

"It's just a dream, Lil," Sirius said softly, placing a hand on her shoulder, forcing her to look up. "It's just a dream—"

"But—"

"—you have to stop thinking so much. It's only a dream. Hell, I have dreams where my brother and I become the first two-man Quidditch team. It doesn't mean that Regulus and I will suddenly get along—or that we'd be any good at two-man Quidditch. Besides, Regulus isn't much of a team player—"

"Sirius—"

"—and I know you're going to argue, but really, the only people who put stock in dreams are centaurs and frauds. Which is why I'd never start a team with Reg—"

"I—"

"—and you use your brain far too much, Wit. It's not natural," Sirius continued, oblivious to the fact that Lily was trying to speak. She kicked him again, smiling at him when he let out a groan that sounded suspiciously like, '_Why_?'

"And you talk too much, Black. I was going to say thank you. You're right, it's only a dream." Sirius looked surprised that she had listened to him—which didn't really help his case at all—and then he nodded.

"I'm always right. Now, Wit, let's push this dream business behind us and discuss the real issue." Lily frowned in confusion. "Where are my prattish mates?"

"They're your mates, why would I know?"

"Well, one of them is your prattish boyfriend."

"He's not prattish," Lily protested, shaking her head. Sirius laughed, bits of sausage falling out of his mouth. She looked at him with mild disgust but otherwise ignored the awful table manners. "Although," she amended, looking at the doors to the Great Hall wistfully, "if he doesn't get here soon, he'll be an absolutely horrid boyfriend."

"Oh, the woes of a couple," Sirius said mockingly. "It must be so hard."

"Shut up." She would have said more—perhaps something about how he could actually be in a relationship if he bothered to learn how to eat properly—but Peter had chosen that moment to slide in next to Sirius, a rather somber look on his face.

"So, where are Prongs and Moony?" Sirius asked without preamble, nudging Peter in the shoulder when the boy didn't answer right away.

"I dunno where they are right now. But about an hour ago, Remus was helping me with McGonagall's essay, and I think James had gone to the Owlry." Sirius nodded in satisfaction, obviously pleased he now knew the location of his three best mates, but Lily frowned. Normally, Peter would have asked her for help on the Transfiguration essay…then again, it had been some time since Peter had come to her for anything at all—that he seemed upset with her. She sighed, feeling oddly tired. At least he wasn't staring at her anymore, though…

"What's wrong with you, Wit?" Sirius said loudly, interrupting her thoughts. Lily shrugged.

"I'm tired, that's all." Sirius didn't look like he believed her—rather intelligent of him, really—so she stood and shouldered her bag, unwilling to wait around and be interrogated. "I'll see you two in class."

She left without glancing back.

XXX

"Potter! Black! Need I remind you that a wand is a tool, not a toy?" McGonagall said, her lips pressed into a thin line. As one, James and Sirius turned and grinned at each other before putting their wands away, and adopting a look of perfect innocence. Of course, judging by the slight shake of her head, McGonagall hadn't bought it. "As I was saying," here she flashed the two of them a stern look before continuing, "you should all know that your NEWTs are drawing ever closer, and if you have not begun studying, I urge you to begin now. I will not accept anything less than an Exceeds Expectations from my NEWT students—even if some of you still have the mentality of five year olds." She gave James a pointed look, and he got the feeling she was talking about him. Which, really, wasn't all that fair. After all, Sirius had been playing as well…

The lesson had been a boring one, just like all his other lessons. None of the professors were willing to start anything new so close to the holidays—as McGonagall had so bluntly said, "What would be the point of teaching when not a single one of you will be paying attention? Obviously, what you'll be eating for Christmas dinner is far more important than your studies."—and so they had reviewed instead. Quite honestly, James found the whole thing to be a waste of time.

"—for many of you. Isn't that right, Mr. Potter?" James jumped, shocked that McGonagall was still speaking. Hadn't she ended class already?

"I'm sorry, Professor. Isn't what right?" The rest of the class laughed, the sound echoing in the classroom. McGonagall didn't look too surprised by the fact he wasn't paying attention. More than anything, she looked like she had expected it.

"For a great deal of professions, you will need letters of recommendation from your professors. I was merely saying that some of you might want to make more of an effort to behave appropriately—so that your professors may feel inclined to write you favorable letters." She looked at James seriously. "That shouldn't prove too difficult, should it?" The class laughed again, finding far too much amusement in McGonagall's words for James's liking. So he grinned, leaning back against his chair.

"Professor McGonagall, it's quite alright. I know you'll be devastated when I leave. After all, who else will make you laugh?" He didn't think it possible, but McGonagall's lips thinned even further. Funnily enough, she did not seem the least bit amused.

"I assure you, Mr. Potter, I will breathe freely for the first time in seven years the minute you leave." This time, James laughed along with the rest of the very stunned class. If he wasn't mistaken, _McGonagall_ had just made a _joke_. "One last thing before you leave," McGonagall continued, as if she hadn't just done something incredible, "just as in fifth year, seventh years are required to meet with their Head of House for Careers Advice. The sessions will begin after the holidays. Please make sure to actually think about your careers, students. Remember that 'living off my parents,' is not a suitable choice." James sighed. Of _course_ she'd remember his stupid joke from fifth year.

"It's not like I actually would live off my parents," James muttered to himself. Sirius looked at him, one eyebrow raised.

"You said that, too? Thank Merlin, I thought it had only been me." James groaned, and perhaps he only imagined it—in fact, he was rather sure his brain had created the image purely because it was starved after missing breakfast—but he saw McGonagall's lips curve slightly, as if she was fighting a smile.

"D'you think she's imagining what it'll be like once we're gone?" Remus asked from behind him, leaning forward and pointing at the smile that James was sure he was hallucinating. James turned around and shrugged.

"Would it make her _that_ happy?" Peter asked, looking mystified. Sirius laughed.

"Of course it would, Wormtail. I mean, just look at Prongs." At that moment, James was fighting with his Transfiguration textbook, trying to force it into his bag with no success. "I'd be glad to be rid of him as well." James rolled his eyes.

"That's not true. Is it, Professor?" James asked, looking back. To his surprise, McGonagall—and the rest of the class—had already left. The four of them were alone in the classroom. "This always happens to us," James moaned.

"Probably because we never pay attention," Peter said helpfully. Remus nodded in agreement, but Sirius waved a careless hand in the air.

"We don't need to pay attention to this rubbish. We already know it all."

"Speak for yourself," Peter muttered sadly, shaking his head. James frowned at Peter, unsure about what he meant.

"You've been doing really well, though. Lily's still helping, right?" Peter immediately looked away, and Remus let out a nervous chuckle.

"Er, actually, no, James. I've been helping him for the past several weeks, and it seems I'm not as good as Lily is." Sirius scoffed.

"Wormtail is just being stupid." James's frowned deepened.

"What's going on? Wormtail?" To James's ultimate surprise, Peter stood up and left without looking at them or bothering to answer. Remus let out a sigh, looking disturbed.

"Don't worry, James," he said quickly. "Peter will come around." James, however, found his good mood from earlier quickly dissipating. He hadn't even known one of his best mates was upset with Lily. Remus put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm serious. Don't worry." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Peter will forget why he's upset in a few days. I don't think he has the memory for holding grudges." Remus looked at Sirius disapprovingly and started lecturing about how Peter was their friend, and that they needed to be more supportive and kind—to make him see that there was no reason to be upset. James, however, disagreed with both of them.

What they needed to do was smack some sense into Peter.

XXX

There was no doubt in his mind that she knew he was following her.

Lily was far from stupid, and it wasn't like he had been trying to keep it a secret. The issue was, her bloody Gryffindor friends had constantly surrounded her throughout the day, and he couldn't get her alone. If he didn't manage it soon, one of the professors would notice he was breaking all the new rules placed on him, and he'd be in serious trouble.

Severus watched her leave the table she was using with Collins and MacDonald, shaking her head with a laugh. He wasn't sure what they were talking about, but he realized that this was his chance. Lily was walking towards the Defense Against the Dark Arts section of the library, looking as if she was concentrating on finding a book. But he noticed how her eyes flickered towards him—she was giving him a chance to talk to her!

He slipped out of his chair and, using the bookcases strategically so he wouldn't be seen, made his way towards Lily. When he reached her, she didn't even bother to look at him—or to say any sort of greeting.

"What do you want from me, Snape?" she asked, making him flinch. He wished that she would at least do him the courtesy of looking at him while he talked, but he knew that was just wishful thinking.

"You tricked me," he said, trying to remind himself that he was angry with her, that she had ruined his life at Hogwarts. Not only did the professors not trust him anymore, but neither did the other Slytherins. After all, Patricks had made sure of that. Lily let out a derisive snort.

"You tried to attack me. I'm not quite sure the scales are tipped in your favor. You have no right to say a word to me." He glared at her, his temper quickly getting the better of him.

"I didn't want to do it. I had no other choice." At his words, she turned to look at him, horror etched all over his face.

"What's _wrong_ with you?" she demanded. "Dammit, Severus, why are you trying so hard to make me decide there really is no good left in you?" Severus took a step back, his mind reeling. Suddenly, he was twelve again, at home with his parents for the Christmas holidays. He could see it all. He could see his father try to hurt his mother—see the hatred in the man's eyes—and he had run, run to his best friend's home. He had run to Lily.

The look in her eyes right at that moment—in the middle of the library, hiding behind a bookcase so that her friends wouldn't see her speaking to him—was the same look he had seen nearly five years previously. There was concern, compassion, and this promise that she'd stand by him, no matter what.

"The Dark Lord doesn't really care about you. That's not why he ordered us to attack. He wants to see how important you are to Dumbledore." Lily frowned at him, as if she didn't understand why he was telling her this. To be honest, Severus didn't really know why, either. All he knew was that when she looked at him, for a brief, tantalizing moment, she had been his best friend again. Lily continued to stare at him, and Severus may have told her everything he knew about the Dark Lord's plans had he not remembered one very important detail: she had broken her promise. She had broken her promise to stand by him.

She had left him.

"It doesn't matter why he ordered you to attack me, Severus," she said softly, shaking her head. The sound of her voice—full of sadness and laced with regret—was enough to pull that last lingering part of him out of the past. She wasn't his best friend—she hadn't been for quite some time. "The fact is that you obeyed." Her shoulders seemed to sag as she looked right into his eyes. "I'll give you five minutes to go back to your common room. If you don't go, I'm going straight to Dumbledore and I'll tell him you've broken your curfew."

"Are you Dumbledore's watchdog, then?" Severus asked, bitterness seeping into his voice. Lily nodded unashamedly.

"I'm Head Girl, it's my responsibility. And I just don't think it's safe for you to be roaming the corridors." For a second, he thought she meant that it wasn't safe for him, but then he realized that it was the opposite. She thought it was dangerous for the other students. Severus clenched his fists, unable to believe that she thought him capable of such things.

"I suppose there really isn't anything left of my best friend, is there?" he asked, not really expecting a response. But Lily surprised him. She let out a laugh, shaking her head.

"Oh, Severus. I know you think I've abandoned you, that I chose to be against you, but you're wrong. I'm against Voldemort—not you. I'm just waiting for you to open your eyes." She gave him a smile, almost as if she didn't realize she was doing it, and shrugged. "But, I'll always be your best friend."

"Lily—" She shook her head.

"You have four minutes." Severus didn't need to be warned a third time. He took off, still using the bookcases as cover. After all, he didn't want to be seen speaking with Lily—not by her friends, and _especially_ not by the other Slytherins.

XXX

"I think he has a lot of nerve. I mean, honestly. He tried to attack you, yet has the gall to be upset that you didn't just let him do it!" Mary's face was red, and she seemed rather incensed. It was gratifying to see her get so upset for Lily's sake.

Lily wasn't quite sure if she deserved such a great friend.

After Severus had left, she had immediately gone to Alice and Mary and told them everything he said. While Mary seethed, furiously scribbling nonsense on her parchment, Alice had said it was important to tell Dumbledore. After all, Severus had inadvertently given some useful insight into Voldemort.

Lily—slightly upset by the encounter, and wondering if she had been honest with Severus when she said that she would always be his best friend—had pushed Alice to go speak with Dumbledore in her place. And despite the fact that dinner had ended long ago, Alice was not yet back from her meeting with the Headmaster.

Sighing, Lily stared into the fireplace, glad of the warmth the common room provided. She had felt oddly cold since she had left the library—as if someone was still following her around. "I just…I don't like what he said," Lily finally admitted, turning to look at Mary.

"About not being friends? He's a tosser, Lil. Who cares if he's not your friend?" Lily smiled, shaking her head.

"No, that's not what bothers me. I mean, I've known for some time now that Severus has changed. It's just—well, ever since he said that Voldemort only told him to attack me to see how Dumbledore would react, I feel like I'm being watched. Like, I'm surrounded by…" she trailed off, knowing she sounded ridiculous. How could she explain that she felt this coldness sweeping in, as if the entire world around her was being enveloped in darkness, without sounding histrionic?

No. The feeling was just silly, brought on by her recent dreams and the troubling encounter with Severus.

Mary looked at her intently, as if she was debating if she should say something or not, and then she let out a laugh. "You feel cold? Like someone is watching you?" she asked, a knowing look in her eye. Lily felt her mouth fall open in surprise.

"Exactly." She frowned. "You didn't somehow learn Legilimency, did you?" Mary snorted.

"As if I would make the effort," she scoffed, rolling her eyes. "No, I know how you feel because _I _felt that way."

"You felt that way?" Lily repeated, confused. Mary scooted closer to her, suddenly looking rather serious.

"Yes, after I was attacked in fifth year. I felt like I was being watched, that everything around me was just…I don't know, falling apart? It was the strangest sensation."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lily demanded, looking at Mary in concern. "Merlin, Mary, you always acted perfectly alright! I was at the Hospital Wing when you woke up! You joked about James!" Mary shrugged.

"I thought it was stupid. As if I was overdramatizing."

"Overdramatizing? Mary, you were _attacked_. There was no way you could have _possibly_ overdramatized. I can't believe you never said anything."

"Well, why weren't you going to say anything? Just now, you just stopped talking, as if it wasn't important."

"Because I wasn't actually attacked! But you were seriously hurt." Lily shook her head, unable to understand her friend. Why would she go through something like that alone, when she knew that she had friends who'd help her through anything?

Why would she, well, why would she act like the Lily-of-fifth-year?

Mary, however, had turned away, looking at where Frank was sitting. She had an absent smile on her face. "It's funny, isn't it, how all of us are hiding?" Lily blinked at the sudden change in subject.

"What do you mean, hiding? We aren't hiding." Mary chuckled, but it was hollow, and it sounded nothing like herself.

"Oh, no, we are. Perhaps not always knowingly or intentionally, but we're all definitely hiding."

"I have no idea what you mean," Lily said crossly, losing her patience. Mary smiled.

"Frank and Alice both plan to join the Aurors. They both know that the chances of surviving the War is incredibly slim. Yet, look." She pointed at Frank, who was now loudly arguing with Remus over the best way to prevent a prank. Remus was pointing out that he'd been a Marauder for seven years, that _he_ would know, but Frank continued to disagree. "They know that once we leave Hogwarts, nothing will be easy for them. And so they're hiding behind silly antics and pranks, acting like they're just a normal teenage couple." She frowned. "But they're not. They're a teenage couple who're already engaged because they don't know how long they'll be around."

"But—"

"And then there's you and James. Sometimes it's as if…as if the two of you are only _playing_ at being at odds with one another. It's as if you just want to experience the teenage drama, and…I don't know. Your fights—except for a select few—just never seem all that real."

"Now, that's—"

"Remus has always hidden behind his books and calm demeanor, and Peter shuts himself off from other people's problems by pretending not to see it. He hides behind a wall several feet thick."

"Mary—"

"And then there's Sirius. He broods and acts aloof, but he's only like that because he doesn't want people to know how much he cares. So he hides behind his ridiculous behavior." Finally, Lily had enough. She grabbed Mary's arm, forcing her to turn back around.

"Well, you've got all of us figured out. So what about you? What're _you_ hiding behind?" Mary frowned.

"I thought that would be obvious, Lily. I mean, you practically said it yourself just a few minutes ago." Lily's eyes widened as it finally dawned on her, as she finally understood why Mary had said nothing back in fifth year.

_Merlin, Mary, you always acted perfectly alright! I was at the Hospital Wing when you woke up! You joked about James!_

"You, you hide behind your humor," Lily said unnecessarily. She stared at Mary, wondering how she could have missed something like this. How she didn't realize that the ones with the brightest smiles tended to be the ones in the most pain. "Oh, Mary. _Why_?" To Lily's surprise, tears appeared in Mary's eyes, and she buried her head in Lily's shoulder, obviously not wanting anyone else to notice.

"Because if I ever let myself actually think about what _has_ happened and what _will_ happen, I don't think I could even move," she sobbed, her voice muffled. From across the common room, Sirius and James had stood up and were walking quickly over to them, identical worried expressions on their faces, but Lily waved them back.

Mary didn't need anyone else to witness her finally stepping out of her hiding place.

XXX

"Grab him!" James yelled, causing Peter to squeak—actually squeak. Sirius chuckled evilly, lunging forward and tackling Peter to the ground.

"Tie him up," Remus said, helping Sirius pin Peter to the floor. It was obvious that Peter wanted to transform into his rat form, but thankfully, Frank's presence prevented him from doing just that.

"Get—him to…to stop squirming," Frank muttered, taking over Sirius's portion of Peter's flailing body parts, and looking rather out of breath. Remus rolled his eyes.

"Is this really necessary, James?" he asked, clearly wanting nothing more to do with this. James nodded vigorously, feeling no pity for the small boy that was now squealing for help. Sirius grinned happily.

"I've always wanted to do this," he said, his eyes glinting. He pointed his wand at Peter's wrists and ankles, and ropes appeared out of thin air. Peter squealed again as the ropes wrapped tightly around his arms and legs, and then—when Remus and Frank finally were able to release him—he let out a sigh, his head rolling back.

"I don't know who you think you're fooling, Pete, but we know you're fine," James said, crossing his arms at his chest and tapping his foot against the floor impatiently, waiting for Peter to stop the dramatics. Frank let out an uneasy laugh.

"Right, so I know this is the Head room, but can't we get in trouble for this?" he asked, looking at the door nervously, as if afraid someone would come up any moment. James shrugged.

"It's nearly two in the morning. No one's awake, and if Wormtail here stops imitating a pig, no one _will_ wake up." James turned back to Peter, giving him a significant look. "Right, Peter?" he asked. Immediately, Peter nodded fervently, looking terrified. Sirius, however, chuckled.

"Wit will be here soon, just you wait. She has a radar for these sort of things. Her Prefect senses will go into overdrive!" He looked positively delighted at the very thought. James groaned, hoping that Lily's Prefect senses had taken the night off.

"We'll take care of this quickly. No one will ever know."

"That we bullied our own best mate?" Remus asked innocently, tactfully looking away when James sent him a glare.

"_No. _No one will ever know that…that we had to resort to tying him up." James grinned sheepishly at Peter. "It's not our fault, mate. You're just so jumpy. We couldn't have you running off."

"Prongs means that he has to make sure you listen to everything he says," Sirius added helpfully, looking quite gleeful. "Because it seems Remus's simple logic hasn't been enough for you." Remus looked offended by Sirius words.

"'Simple logic?' What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, his eyes narrowing. Frank snorted.

"You've lost your touch, mate," he said, shaking his head. "Even Sirius thinks he's wiser than you are." Sirius scowled.

"Well, of course I am," he said haughtily, rolling his eyes. "No one is as great as me!" Remus and Frank both opened their mouths to reply—and James was looking forward to the ensuing argument—but Peter let out a pathetic wail, rolling over to his side and faking a sob.

"Don't you all even have the decency to finish this quickly?" he asked, his eyes wide and innocent. James kicked him in the shins.

"Don't act all blameless. This is your own fault, you know." Peter let out an affronted sigh.

"Of course I'm blameless! I've done nothing wrong!"

"Oh, really? Then what's with all the glaring, Wormtail?" Sirius asked, leaning down to look Peter in the eye. Frank crossed his arms over his chest and nodded sagely.

"It's true, my little tied up friend. Your glaring is rather disturbing."

"And, quite frankly, exhausting," Remus added. James nodded in agreement.

"You see, Peter, whatever's made you upset has inadvertently caused you to act like a prat. And as a fellow Marauder, I just can't let you continue this prattish behavior."

"Please, it's not inadvertent!" Sirius scoffed. "Peter's just moping because he thinks he's lost his idol. Wit's managed to turn Prongs into a normal human being, and this bothers our little Wormtail." James held up a hand, silencing Sirius.

"Be that as it may, I don't think that Peter would ever knowingly hurt a semi-Marauder. After all, it's in the Code. _A Marauder Never Harms Another Marauder." _James looked at Peter carefully. "And Lily, no matter how much you may not like her, is a fellow Marauder. If you have an issue, I expect you to be Gryffindor enough to just talk about it, not stare at her and make her uncomfortable." He had become rather serious by the end of his sentence, and though it made him sound like a swot,he didn't really care. James wouldn't tolerate anyone hurting Lily—even if they were his friends.

"You don't want to mess with the sacred Code, do you, Peter?" Frank asked, barely concealing his grin. Sirius narrowed his eyes.

"Don't insult the Code, Longbottom. It's unacceptable." Remus elbowed Sirius in the stomach, and then looked at Peter kindly.

"What we mean, Peter, is that you need to talk to us. Look, James is right here. Tell him what you think." Peter stared at Remus for a moment, but then he turned away.

"There's no reason," he said. "I made a mistake. I've been thinking about it, and I think you're right. And tying me up and bringing up the Code just proves that." James, infinitely confused about what Peter was talking about, opened his mouth to interject, but Remus shook his head subtly.

"That's good, Wormtail. I'm glad." Remus grinned, looking rather smug. "Though, you still have to apologize." Peter let out another squeal—this one of protest—and, as if on cue, the door to the Head Room swung open. Mary, Alice, and Lily were leaning against the doorframe, looking at the scene with wide eyes.

"Well, I told you, Lily," Mary said cheerfully, getting over her shock before the other two girls. "It _was_ the sound of stupidity that we kept hearing." Lily blinked several times, and then glared at Sirius.

"Untie him right now!" she demanded. Sirius spluttered, looking confused.

"Why do you automatically assume _I _was the one who tied him up?" he asked, feigning offense. Lily merely raised an eyebrow, and Sirius chuckled. "Okay, so I know _why_ you think it was me. But it wasn't! I promise. It was James!" He pointed to James, and when Lily turned to look at him, James found himself taking several steps back.

"Now, that's not fair! It's obvious he's lying, Lil! You don't really believe him, d'you?"

"You know, here's a thought, instead of worrying about _who_ tied him up, shouldn't someone just untie him?" Alice said, giving Peter a pitying smile. Frank's chest puffed up.

"You see that?" he asked. "That's how you handle a situation like this one!" Alice raised an eyebrow while Sirius burst out laughing.

"I _told_ you already, Frank, the whole flattery thing won't make her decide not to prank you back," Remus explained patiently.

"As interesting as this conversation is," Peter interrupted, "can someone please just _untie me_?" His last two words came out as this strange screech, and it caused James to burst into laughter, joined right away by Sirius and Mary.

"When Mr. Simon told me that he heard several monkeys in the Head Boy's dormitory, I expected many things. I did not think, however, that I would find _actual _monkeys." James's grin slipped off his face, and he turned around to see McGonagall standing right behind the girls, her normally tight bun loose and messy, and her nightgown obviously put on in a hurry. Peter let out a groan, his cheeks awfully red.

"Professor, could you please untie me?"

XXX

"I can't believe Simon. I'll get him back!" Mary snorted at Sirius's ramblings, but Lily felt a slight bit of alarm. She didn't think that Sirius was joking.

"Leave poor Alex alone. He was just trying to do the right thing."

"Stupid bloody second year. He should've minded his own business," James muttered. Lily let go of his hand and stared at him. "Well, he _should_ have," James said, refusing to back down.

"You five," Alice gestured to the boys, "are at fault. If you hadn't tied Peter up, he wouldn't have made that god-awful noise, and we wouldn't be in this mess." Peter blushed, and Frank groaned.

"Detention every day until the holidays! What a nightmare."

"It's better than what Peter got," Lily put in helpfully. "McGonagall told him that he needed to see Pomfrey—that there must be something wrong with his voice." James chuckled.

"I think she was joking, Lily," he said. Lily shrugged.

"I don't know…I didn't think McGonagall even knew how to make a joke." She gave Peter an appreciative look. "You've done the impossible, Peter."

After the professor had handed out punishments, told Peter off for his racket, and had left, Peter had quietly apologized to Lily while the others were trying to control their laughter. Except for a small nod, Lily had acted like she never heard it, and hoped he understood what she meant. Of course, judging by his laugh and his ostentatious bow as she complimented him, he had understood perfectly.

"I am a Marauder after all. We're in the business of doing the impossible!" he cried. Sirius smacked him in the head.

"Watch the ego, Wormtail. We wouldn't want this to get to your head."

"Look who's talking!" Peter shot back. The two boys continued arguing until they reached the Gryffindor table. By that point, breakfast was far more important than their squabble—they once again became the best of friends over a plate of toast.

As for Lily, her feelings from the day before—that terrible cold that surrounded her—remained, but it was far easier to ignore. She wondered if it was going away—or if she was merely getting used to it.

She sincerely hoped it was the former.

"Evans, you must have a death wish." The Gryffindor table went silent. Patricks—one of the people that Dumbledore had said tried to attack her doppelganger—stood right behind Alice, giving Lily a filthy look.

"You want to say that again?" James demanded, getting to his feet angrily. Lily grabbed his arm, trying to get him to calm down. Patricks sneered.

"How pathetic. A mudblood with a pureblood. Do you have no shame, Potter?"

"What about you, Patricks? You want to get cursed?" Sirius asked, a look of hatred on his face. The Slytherin didn't even deign to answer. He continued to look at Lily.

"You think you won, do you, mudblood? Just because Dumbledore saved you? One day the old man won't be there to save you, and then you'll be sorry. There's no way a fucking mudblood can get away with what you've done." James lunged, obviously intent on hurting Patricks, but Remus and Frank grabbed him and pulled him back.

"You'll just give him what he wants, James!" Remus said hurriedly. "It's not worth it!"

"Mr. Patricks! You're not causing trouble, are you?" It was Slughorn. Despite his rather cheerful voice, his face clearly said he knew exactly what had just happened. But Lily didn't care. She just wanted Patricks gone.

That stupid feeling from yesterday—that cold darkness—was back in full force.

"Of course not, Professor," Patricks lied smoothly. "I just wanted to have a little chat." And then he left, making sure to give Lily one last filthy look.

"That bastard!" Sirius snarled, his fists clenched. "Who the hell does he think he is?" Slughorn looked at Lily sadly, and he attempted to give her a watery smile.

"Be careful, Miss Evans. Please, be careful." Lily didn't need Mary's dark look or the righteous fury in Alice's eyes to know what Slughorn meant.

It seemed things were very quickly spiraling out of control.

XXX

"I'm just going to the loo," Lily muttered, glaring at James. He grinned at her, pressing a quick kiss to her lips, and then hugging her tightly.

"What if Moaning Myrtle decides that she wants to scream at you? I _must_ protect you."

"From sad ghosts?"

"From the most devastated ghosts there are." Lily laughed, standing on her toes to kiss him back.

"You're quite the Gryffindor. But I don't need you escorting me to the restroom."

"Don't think of it that way! Think of it as quality time together, away from Sirius and the others."

"I'd rather not, actually," Lily said, shaking her head. She knew that James was just worried—after all, Patricks's words from that morning still rang in their minds—but she couldn't have him follow her around everywhere just because a few Slytherins had their pride hurt. He nodded, and with one last kiss, let her head to the girls' restroom on her own.

She didn't consider herself brave, but though the others seemed greatly concerned by what had happened earlier, Lily wasn't all that bothered. It wasn't that she was _used_ to this sort of thing, per se, but it certainly wasn't anything new. In fact, she had always assumed that the Voldemort sympathizers still intended to get back at her.

If anything, it was all rather annoying.

Lily sighed, fingering the wand in her pocket, hating how life at Hogwarts had turned into one huge rollercoaster of terror and fear. And if it was this awful for her, a seventh year that had been at Hogwarts before Voldemort's rise, what about the younger students? What about the ones that had arrived at the height of the war? Before she had managed to cast _Videranimae _with Will and Marlene to overthrow the Muggle-born Act?

What would it be like for them as things just got worse?

She was just about to enter the toilet, when she suddenly felt someone grab her from behind, pulling her into a classroom, one hand covering her mouth. Her first reaction was to scream, but then she wondered why on earth an attacker would be so gentle. Perhaps James had come back? But no, this stranger smelled different; James smelled like soap and cologne. Whoever had pulled her into the empty classroom smelled like freshly laundered clothes.

"I was beginning to think you never went anywhere on your own, Evans," the stranger said, grabbing her wand—which she had unconsciously pulled out of her pocket—before turning her around so that she could see him. Her eyes widened in shock, unable to believe who her 'kidnapper' was. "I need to ask you a few questions."

XXX

_Present:_

"I'll remember to thank the girls' restroom later," he said wryly, reminding her so much of Sirius in that moment, that she nearly wanted to laugh.

"All right then, Regulus. Ask away. I'm all ears." They were sitting in the dusty desks, facing the blackboard, as if they were actually about to attend a class. He stared at his hands for a moment before turning to her, looking rather downcast.

"Dumbledore says that I've proven myself incapable of doing things that Sirius is doing. I don't understand what he means." Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Was that a question or a statement?" she asked, holding her hands up when Regulus looked at her in irritation. "Sorry." She gave him a smile, looking straight into his eyes, hoping that he'd see she was completely serious. "Dumbledore told me you lowered your wand. That you couldn't bring yourself to attack me—well, the doppelganger me, anyway." Regulus nodded absentmindedly.

"That was rather clever, by the way. I was impressed." His words slightly upset her. Severus—supposedly her best friend—had been angered by the trickery. But Regulus, who probably hated her because of her friendship with Sirius, said he had been impressed.

"It wasn't my idea. Flitwick and Dumbledore get the credit for that," she said with a shrug. "Besides, that's not important. I don't know why you feel the way you do, Regulus—"

"And just how do I feel?" he interrupted, looking frustrated.

"You feel angry and confused. You don't feel like you belong anywhere, that you're blindly fumbling through life, with no idea where you're heading." He frowned.

"And how on earth would you know that?" he asked. Lily felt her eyes widen in surprise, shocked by the grudging admiration she had heard in his voice.

"Wait. I was right?" He laughed.

"All right, Evans, let's be honest with one another. Just how carefully have you been watching me?" Lily blushed.

"Just as much as Sirius," she answered. Regulus looked surprised, but he quickly hid his shock by adopting an indifferent air.

"Sirius watches me?"

"Almost constantly. He doesn't mention it much anymore—he used to obsess loudly—but he's mellowed out. I think he's accepted that you make your own choices."

"Or he's given up on me," Regulus pointed out, an unidentifiable flash appearing in his eyes. Lily frowned.

"To be honest, that's what he says," Lily said with a wince. "Just like I say I've given up on Severus. But we're both lying."

"Lying?"

"Well, I think Sirius hopes that you decide—for yourself—that you want nothing to do with Voldemort. The same way I feel about Severus." He nodded, and she must have said what he wanted to hear—or she answered his question without realizing she had—because he stood up, a slight grin on his face.

"For what it's worth, Evans, Snape didn't want to do it." Lily rolled her eyes.

"I know, he's told me as much." Regulus shook his head.

"No, you don't understand. He asked me to help because he couldn't do it himself, and—well, I think he knew that I wouldn't be able to either." He gave her a bright smile. "He called me a 'bloody Gryffindor.'"

"Did he?" Lily muttered, wondering what that could mean. Did Severus think that Gryffindors were better—that, by that logic, Regulus was better?

"I'm sorry for grabbing you," he blushed. "And for putting my hand over your mouth." Lily shrugged.

"Well, like I said. Necessary precaution." He let out a laugh—a carefree one, like somehow a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders—and he sounded like a normal sixteen-year-old boy. He didn't sound like a Slytherin who was torn between what was expected of him and of what he wanted to do.

"Thank you, Evans. Really." She didn't know if he was thanking her for the joke or for what she had said about Sirius, but in the end, she supposed it didn't really matter.

That fact remained that he had thanked her nonetheless.

* * *

><p><em>Hello all! First, let me apologize for the time it took for me to get this chapter done. Really, I'm truly very sorry. It's just that—and not to make excuses or anything—between juggling work, school, and health issues, writing just wasn't on my list of priorities. I will say this, though: this story <em>will_ be finished. I mean, can you imagine devoting a quarter of a million words to something and then not even bothering to finish it? That would be scandalous!_

_Thank you, Kirsty, for the edit! And for being so cool about the eight-month lapse since the last chapter. You took it in stride, for which I'm grateful—it made me feel like less of a failure. _

_I know nothing technically happened in this chapter (one of the many reasons it was so hard to write) but it was important. You know, foundation laying and whatnot. Hopefully chapter thirty-one will be up within a month or so. As always, thanks to everyone who reads, reviews, and/or favorites this story. You're all the best!_


	31. The Pureblooded Politics of the Potters

Chapter Thirty-one- The Pureblooded Politics of the Potters

Alice was grinning, and Mary seemed rather smug, so immediately, Remus was quite sure something was wrong. Of course, the way the two girls were sitting—side by side, with their heads close, as if they were whispering—made it obvious that he wasn't allowed in the loop. Not that he minded. The last time he was in the loop, he'd ended up with detention.

With that pleasant thought, he turned to look at Peter, who seemed rather cheerful. The whole lot of them had been locked in one of the dungeons, and they'd been sorting out ingredients for Slughorn's stores. Tomorrow—the last day of their rather pointless detentions—they would be helping Hagrid with the Christmas decorations for the Great Hall. It didn't matter that none of them would be there to see it, after all, Lily, James, and Sirius were going to Potter Manor; Peter was spending Christmas with his uncle; Mary was overjoyed to be seeing her parents again; and Frank and Alice were dividing up their time evenly, tasked with telling their families that they were engaged.

As for him, well, he wasn't quite sure what he'd do. The full moon fell on Christmas Day.

Normally, when he had to change while at home, he would be locked in a secure cellar until dawn, at which point, his mother would rush down and treat his wounds. This year, however, he was unwilling to have his parents worry about him during Christmas. Perhaps he'd stay at Hogwarts this year, and just spend the night of the full moon in the Shrieking Shack. Of course, that meant no one could know he was staying behind—if they figured it out, James and the others would stay at Hogwarts as well, regardless of their plans. It was best for them to think he was going home, where they couldn't come and keep him company as Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs even if they wanted to.

"This is a complete waste of time," Sirius suddenly complained, pushing his pile of ingredients away, looking disgusted. He had every reason to be; some first year had gotten the salamander skins and frog livers all mixed up, and Sirius had spent the better part of an hour trying to separate the two. His dragon hide gloves were coated with slime and blood—an unappealing combination. Remus didn't really know why Sirius was complaining. The detentions obviously weren't really intended as punishment—if it had been, they wouldn't all be in one room. He was sure that this was just a way for the professors to get a few errands taken care of before the holidays began.

"It's not our fault," Mary answered, rolling her eyes, finally ending her secret conversation with Alice. "It's because you boys don't know how to talk to a friend like normal people. No, _you_ all have to tie him up." Lily nodded in agreement, looking rather worried.

"We're supposed to be setting an example for the other students," she said with a shrug. "But both Heads and the two seventh year Prefects are in detention. We're horrid role models."

"Speak for yourself," James muttered. "I think we're brilliant role models. Hogwarts will never have a student even half as good as me." Lily snorted, but otherwise said nothing. Once upon a time, she would have lectured him on his ego. Now, however, she found it amusing.

Things really had changed.

Remus yawned, ignoring the looks Mary and Alice sent him—as if they thought he had some sort of prank hidden up his sleeve—and turned to James with a questioning look on his face.

"If you're so brilliant, can't you figure out a way to get us out of detention early?"

"Dungbombs," James replied easily. Lily's back stiffened and she glared at her boyfriend.

"That is _not_ happening," she hissed. Remus sighed; things hadn't changed that much after all.

"Come on, Lil! Filch'll throw us out so he can get rid of the smell before the first years have class tomorrow morning. And we'll be free!" Lily smacked James on the head with her dirty rag, a slight smile on her face despite her disapproving behavior.

"What did the poor first years do?" she asked. Sirius clenched his fists.

"Nothing. It's the second years we need to destroy!"

"Oh, shut it, Black. You bother Alex and you'll have to deal with me." To be perfectly honest, at that moment, Mary had never looked more terrifying. Which was why Remus wasn't surprised when Sirius growled, but unclenched his fists.

"You're a killjoy, MacDonald," Sirius commented dryly, turning to James with a pleading look. Lily, however, noticed that right away, and she shook her head violently.

"I don't care if this is a matter of Marauder pride," she said, her green eyes narrowed, "or if it's in the blasted _Code_. You can't go after Alex."

"You're a killjoy, too, Evans," Peter said unhelpfully, though he looked rather amused. Oddly enough, Lily flashed him a grin, and the whole interaction left Remus feeling as if he had missed something.

Sighing, he went back to scrubbing the spare cauldrons, thinking about how he could fool the others into believing he was going home for Christmas.

XXX

"I love you, Alice. You're one of my best friends. But there is no way I'm doing this."

"It's not that bad," Alice protested, smiling genially. Lily looked at Alice doubtfully, though she could feel herself begin to sway. She had successfully avoided Alice since the girl had come up with the ridiculous plan, but she had nowhere to hide during their detention in the dungeons.

Mary, of course, was giggling happily, obviously excited about the whole thing.

"I think it's brilliant," she said in a whisper, raising her head to look at the boys, probably checking to see if they were trying to eavesdrop.

They had long since finished their work, but as Filch had not come to let them out yet, they had segregated into two groups: Mary, Alice, and herself were in the far corner, discussing Alice's plan to prank her fiancé, and the boys were on the opposite side of the room, clearly playing some sort of card game. Sighing, Lily turned to Mary and frowned.

"Of course you'd think it was brilliant. That's nothing new," she muttered. Mary clapped her on the back.

"C'mon, Lily, didn't you want to prove that you're not a stick-in-the-mud? That you're fun, and can break the rules?" Lily looked from Mary to Alice and groaned.

"At the moment? Not really." Mary opened her mouth to respond, but Sirius let out a yell, causing Mary and Lily to both turn around in surprise.

"Oi, Wormtail! You're cheating, you arsehole!" Sirius shouted, glaring at Peter.

"I am not!" Peter shouted. "Don't blame me because you're shite at this game." Sirius responded, but Lily no longer cared enough to listen. She looked back at Alice, grudgingly accepting that she really had no choice in the matter.

"All right. I'll help. I just want you both to know that I'm doing this to prove a point, not because I condone such behavior in any shape, way, or form." Mary snorted.

"Your disapproval is duly noted," she said, grinning. Lily was about to retort, but Sirius suddenly shouted again.

"For fuck's sake, Peter, at least have the decency to be subtle about it! What about the Code? _A Marauder Never Cheats_!" The other boys roared with laughter, and Lily completely lost her train of thought.

"Do you think the Code even exists?" Alice asked curiously, looking at Lily. "They talk about it all the time, but I've never seen it." Lily rolled her eyes, though she felt a bit uncomfortable. What had Remus and Sirius said the day they showed her the thick tomb? _It's for Marauder's eyes only…_

"Does it matter if it actually exists or not? They obviously think it does," she said, unwilling to admit that she had seen it—and had even read some of it.

"Or they make it up as they go," Mary said with a shrug, grinning. "They are rather creative."

"Creative or mad?" Alice asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Is there a difference?" Mary asked with a snort, looking over at the boys. She watched in amusement as they pulled Sirius away from Peter, preventing him from choking the smaller boy over something as silly as cheating at cards. Not for the first time, Lily wondered if Mary had feelings for Sirius…she seemed to be looking at him, well, _fondly._

"You fancy him, don't you?" Alice asked suddenly, her question blunt. Lily's eyes widened, unsure whether she should grab Mary so that she wouldn't attack Alice for even suggesting such a thing to be possible, or if she should put a hand over Alice's mouth, preventing her from further embarrassing Mary.

"Fancy who?" Mary scoffed, waving her hand dismissively.

"Fancy Sirius, of course," Alice said, a bit louder than what Lily was comfortable with. What if one of the boys heard her? It was obvious Mary wasn't very pleased with this conversation; it would be cruel of them to allow anyone else to overhear.

"Why on earth would you think I fancy Sirius?" Mary asked, genuinely astonished.

"You seem to get along with him well enough."

"You get along with Peter well enough, but I don't think you fancy him," Mary countered. Lily was tempted to say that it was probably because Alice never looked at Peter fondly, and she certainly never deliberately teased him just to elicit a reaction. Of course, the way Mary's eyes were flashing, Lily decided it was best to just remain silent.

"Come off it, Mary. That's rubbish and you know it. Why don't you admit you fancy him?"

"MacDonald, you fancy someone?" To Lily's surprise, James had sauntered over to them, his hands stuffed into his pockets. She grabbed him by the hand, pulled him down so that he was sitting next to her, and put her hand over his mouth, hoping to stop him from saying another word. His eyes were wide behind his glasses, but Lily ignored him. Instead she turned to Alice.

"Can we talk about this later?" she asked. Mary shook her head.

"Can we pretend this conversation never happened?" she muttered, obviously disgruntled. Lily smiled sheepishly.

"I'm afraid not, Mary," she said with a shrug. James poked her hard in the arm, and began to say something, his words completely unintelligible. If anything, her hand just tickled.

"Mfm, geoff mff." Lily giggled, giving James a grin.

"Sorry, didn't catch that," she said cheerfully. Suddenly, she felt him lick her hand, and she pulled away, slightly disgusted. "You do realize I spent the last hour sorting through the salamander skins, right? And I didn't use gloves."

"Why would you tell me that?" James moaned, dropping his head onto her shoulder, looking utterly miserable.

"You should have used your brain before you licked my hand," Lily said, though she patted the back of his head comfortingly, feeling a tad bit sorry for him. Alice suddenly pointed at the two of them, and then glared at Mary.

"See? That's how you look at him! The way Lily looks at James." Mary blushed, but it didn't seem to be out of embarrassment.

"That's ridiculous," Mary said, her head held high. Alice raised an eyebrow, and it looked like she was about to argue, so Lily kicked her—hard—in the shins.

"Dammit, what was _that_ for?" Alice demanded, looking at Lily in shock. Lily, however, didn't regret what she did.

"It's for being so assertive. What did Moody do to you during your training? It's like you're someone new." James chuckled, turning his head slightly so that he could see Alice's face. He looked rather silly, with his glasses askew and a stupid grin on his face, but Lily decided she didn't quite mind.

"I'm not someone new," Alice muttered. "I'm just…I've decided that it's best to let people know what I think." Mary snorted indelicately.

"Well, it's best to keep what you're thinking to yourself. Especially when you're wrong."

"Am I?"

"Are you what?"

"Wrong?"

"Wrong." Mary nodded sagely, looking as if she had won some sort of contest.

"When you avoid the question like this, you're just making us more suspicious," Alice muttered, finally seeing that this conversation was going nowhere. James, however, was looking far too interested for Lily's liking, so she pushed him off her shoulder.

"Go away, James," she said. He raised an eyebrow.

"There's no way I'm going anywhere. Not when it just got interesting." He looked at Mary, a grin appearing on his face. "_Do_ you fancy Sirius? I swear I won't tell him. I give you my solemn oath as a Marauder."

"As if that's any comfort," Lily muttered, ignoring James's rather exaggerated show of mock offence. Mary, however, watched him in amusement before shaking her head.

"I don't fancy him. _Really_," she added, when Alice let out a disbelieving sigh. "You may not believe it, but I've never fancied any of the Gryffindors in our year."

"Damn right I don't believe it," James said, something like irritation flashing in his eyes. "What about the stalker-like pictures you used to have of us?" Lily frowned at him—both because of his snappish tone, and because she really didn't understand why he'd care. But she said nothing.

"I was young and stupid," Mary replied easily. James didn't seem to like that answer. He leaned across Lily to point a rather accusatory finger at Mary.

"So all this time, you've what? Led him on? Made him think you fancied him?" At his words, Lily suddenly realized why James was so upset; he was looking out for his best mate. She wondered if that meant Sirius had feelings for Mary, though that was hard to believe.

Sirius didn't do relationships. He just wasn't that sort of bloke.

"Don't make me laugh," Mary said, obviously thinking along the same lines as Lily. "Sirius doesn't fancy me. That's ridiculous." Alice had an odd look on her face, as if she was questioning the whole thing, but James just stared at Mary.

"And if I told you he wanted to ask you to Hogsmeade after the hols?" He seemed earnest, and there was no trace of insincerity in his tone or features. Yet, still, Lily couldn't believe he was being honest…

"I'd call you a liar," Mary replied, shrugging. James frowned.

"So you don't fancy him? Never have, and never will?" Mary blinked, as if surprised by the question, but then she gave James a steely look—clearly no longer in the mood to discuss her feelings.

"Why would I lie?" Mary asked, her tone relatively even despite the look in her eyes. James shrugged.

"I don't know. Maybe you're like Lily, and live in denial." Lily's mouth fell open.

"Seriously James? Are you _asking_ me to jinx you?" A blush formed on his cheeks, and he gave her an apologetic grin.

"Well, to be honest, our troubles were your fault."

"If that's supposed to be an apology, you're doing an awful job of it," Lily snapped, her own cheeks flushing. James grimaced, turned around to see that the boys were still completely engrossed with whether or not Peter had been cheating—obviously in no position to come to his aid. He held up his hands in surrender.

"All right, _most_ of our troubles were your fault." Lily gave him a glare, completely forgetting about Alice and Mary.

"You have some nerve, James."

"I said _most_, not _all_."

"Yes, because let's not forget Corinne, right?

"What about your memory walls?"

"Your ego?"

"Your stubbornness?"

"Your fear?"

"I'm a Gryffindor! I'm never afraid!" James cried, looking scandalized. Lily snorted.

"Please, you're terrified of the fact that I'm spending Christmas with your family." James raised an eyebrow and nodded seriously.

"You should be terrified, too. I mean, you're meeting my _mother_." The way he said it, as if his mother was something they had only read about in their Defense Against the Dark Arts textbooks, made Lily giggle, forgetting that she was upset with him. Of course, her giggle caused Mary to turn to Alice with a disappointed shake of her head.

"You and Frank should teach them what a real argument is like sometime. These two are hopeless." Alice merely laughed.

XXX

The trip to Potter Manor was one that Lily felt she'd rather forget.

After finishing up the last of their detentions and promising McGonagall that they would never tie up a fellow classmate—for whatever reason—again, they spent their last day of term sitting lazily in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room playing Gobstones and chess. Even the journey back to King's Cross was relatively peaceful. Obviously, Alice's refusal to let up on Mary had caused a great deal of confusion—and anger, on Mary's part—but it had been in good fun. In fact, Lily found it particularly amusing, perhaps slightly vindictively so, as Mary had done far worse to her when it concerned her relationship with James.

It was after they reached King's Cross and had said their goodbyes that Lily realized she should have stayed at Hogwarts or begged to stay with Mary. And it was all because James had forgotten to mention that Potter Manor was under the Fidelius Charm, and that only Mr. Charlus Potter—the secret keeper—could take Lily there using Side-Along Apparation.

"He's just being overly cautious. He didn't want to send the secret on a piece of parchment—it could've been intercepted," James had said by way of explanation. Lily understood the desire to be cautious. She _didn't_ understand why she had to be alone with Charlus Potter—why James and Sirius were going straight to the Manor instead of staying with her. When she had asked James that very question and he had looked away, she suddenly realized that Mr. Potter had _asked_ to be alone with her. At the time, she was irritated, yet also slightly curious. She didn't realize that Mr. Potter had anything to say to her.

Of course, now—now that she had been subjected to that time spent alone with him—she knew far better. She knew that she should've just been furious.

James had remained uncharacteristically quiet while they waited for Mr. Potter to arrive, and Sirius had spent the time amusing himself by levitating his truck and 'accidentally' hitting people in the back of the head with it. The fact that he only hit Slytherins—and had even managed to find his own mother in the chaotic mix of students and parents—was something Lily had remained decidedly silent about. Who was she to judge, after all? Besides, after her conversation with Regulus she had decided that all of Sirius's worst stories about his mother were probably true.

That woman deserved every last bump on her head.

When Mr. Potter finally arrived—hugging James and Sirius tightly before giving Lily a strained smile—he seemed slightly irritable and even a bit angry. Before Lily could beg for Sirius or James, though preferably both, to stay, Mr. Potter had already told them to Apparate home, and to "take Miss Evans' trunk as well."

Several minutes after the two boys had left, Lily found that she was still standing in a quickly emptying platform, and that Mr. Potter was actively trying to look anywhere but at her—which, though it suited her just fine, was beginning to get a bit tiring.

So she had decided to break the silence.

"Mr. Potter, thank you for having me, but…" she had paused, not sure how to word what she wanted to say without sounding awfully rude, "if it's too much trouble, I can always go to my own flat. I'll make an excuse." Mr. Potter had looked surprised at her words, and she should have known that it would have been better to just end the conversation there—to just leave it at that—but instead, she had allowed him to speak.

"There's no need for that, Miss Evans!" he had protested, looking positively scandalized. "Dorea and I are quite happy to have you. It's no trouble at all." He fiddled with his fingers for a second, and then looked at her for the first time. "I merely have a favor to ask of you."

"What sort of favor?" she had asked hesitantly, unwilling to do the man any favors—no matter how small.

"I'd like you to…I'd like you to act distant with James. Just when you're around Dorea, at least."

"I beg your pardon?" Really, the proper response would have been to roll her eyes and walk away, Christmas with the Potters be damned. Instead, she had just given him a flabbergasted look, unable to comprehend why on earth he'd ask for such a favor—why he'd think that there was even a remote possibility that she'd agree to such a thing.

"Dorea is ill. And while I'm quite happy that she's so excited over meeting her son's first serious girlfriend, I fear she may be tiring herself." Mr. Potter had taken a deep breath at this point, as if he didn't want to continue. "James has spoken of you in a way that has Dorea convinced that you are the girl he intends to marry. She is rather desperate to impress you, and she's overexerting herself."

"Mr. Potter—"

"Hear me out, Miss Evans!" He placed a hand over his face, half covering the scars that hadn't seemed to heal all that well. "Your relationship with James is obviously none of my business. I forfeited any right I had to give an opinion when I refused to respect my son as the man he has become. However, this concerns my wife. So I beg of you. I beg you to act distant with James." Lily had merely frowned, not quite grasping the _why_ yet.

"How will that help Mrs. Potter in any way?" she had asked, crossing her arms over her chest and raising an eyebrow. Mr. Potter didn't answer right away, and when he did, Lily wished she hadn't bothered to grasp the _why_.

"I know my wife very well. Despite being weary and ill, she is spurring herself on purely because she wishes to do something for the girl James is so enamored with." Mr. Potter had shaken his head, and Lily wondered if the strange glisten in his eyes were from actual tears. Then she remembered that she shouldn't care. "She will rest if she thinks there is nothing there."

"You want me to lie to a dying woman?"

"I want you to give a dying woman some peace."

"No, you're asking me to shatter whatever solace she's gleaned from James's happiness." Here, Mr. Potter seemed hopeful.

"So you admit that his happiness is because of you?"

"No, of course not! I mean, I _hope_ I make him happy—" Lily had stopped herself, glaring at Charlus Potter. "This is none of your business," she had snapped. But Mr. Potter didn't look the least bit contrite.

"Miss Evans, I am begging you. I am begging you to help me. I want my wife to live for as long as possible." When Lily saw tears actually spill over and trail down his cheeks, she found herself feeling a great deal of pity for the man that had ruined her life.

"Even at the expense of making her miserable?" She wished now that she hadn't asked that question. Because perhaps if she hadn't heard the answer to it, if she hadn't seen Charlus Potter as a vulnerable human being, she would have been able to do the right thing.

"She holds us together, Miss Evans. James and I—we can't lose her. James especially—we just can't."

"Mr. Potter, I don't agree with you. Not even a little bit. And I think this is just a ridiculous farce." Lily had stopped, closing her eyes, wishing that there was a manual for this sort of thing. "But I'll do it." It wasn't until Mr. Potter looked at her in shock that she realized what she had said. And it wasn't until Mr. Potter threw away all sense of decorum and engulfed her in a tight hug that she understood exactly what she had agreed to. But it wasn't until Mr. Potter took her hand and Apparated them out of King's Cross to a small hill that he said was just beyond Potter Manor, that Lily realized she had made a very big mistake. One that she couldn't take back.

The trip to Potter Manor was one that Lily felt she'd rather forget.

XXX

"Mum set this room up for you," James said, leaning against the doorway to Lily's room. Ever since she had arrived, she had seemed rather out of sorts. Sirius claimed it was because she wasn't used to the excessive showiness that surrounded her yet, but James felt that if that was it, then she'd look different. She'd have wide eyes, perhaps make a few sarcastic comments about how it wasn't necessary to have not one, but _two_, grand pianos. Or she'd mention something about the many wings of the Manor.

Instead, she just looked rather miserable.

"It's beautiful," Lily said, sounding sincere, even if her shifty eyes made her look anything but. The room was rather nice, though. It was just down the hall from his and Sirius's rooms, and it looked warm and comforting—almost like a miniature Gryffindor common room. James sighed and walked in, gently closing the door behind him.

"Lily, what's wrong?" he asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and looking at her thoughtfully.

"Nothing," she said, looking at the ground. "I just think this may be a bit harder for me than I initially imagined." James instantly tensed.

"Because of my dad? Do you want to go back? We can, you know. If you're not comfortable, we can go back to Hogwarts right this minute." Lily looked at him, her eyes wide, before a soft smile appeared on her lips.

"You need to be with your family, James." She rested her head on his chest, wrapping her arms around him. James realized that she hadn't exactly answered his question, but then decided that it didn't matter. Besides, if he said anything, they'd end up arguing, and he'd much rather just hold her. "I love you, you know that, right?" Lily suddenly said, pulling away slightly to look at him. He frowned, wondering if this was some sort of trick question.

"Of course I do, Lil—"

"And you know that I'd never do anything without some sort of reason, right?" James heard the alarm bells going off in the back of his head, but he ignored it.

"Yeah, but—" She didn't allow him to finish; without even the slightest bit of warning—something that was apparently sort of a modus operandi for her—Lily wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

He was perfectly willing to let it continue—and probably would have been willing to let it continue for as long as possible—but barely a minute had passed when the door to Lily's room swung open and Sirius bounded in, a huge grin on his face.

"Already snogging? You've only been alone for maybe ten minutes," he said, laughing when James made a rude hand gesture. "No need to get testy. Mrs. Potter wants to have tea. She says it'll be the a good way to start the holiday." Lily pulled away from James, leaving him feeling slightly irritated with Sirius for interrupting them.

"I'd love some tea," she said, smiling at Sirius rather serenely. If it wasn't for her bright red cheeks, James would have thought that she didn't mind the interruption at all.

"I wouldn't," he muttered, taking a step away from Lily in order to think a little more clearly. Sirius, of course, seemed to notice, and a wistful look appeared in his eyes.

"You know, I'm rather jealous," he said, leaning against the doorway just as James had done minutes earlier. "Peter had Abigail, Remus had Jennifer, and you have Wit here. Even Frank has Alice. I don't have anyone."

"That's because you refuse to date a girl for longer than a week," Lily said as she rolled her eyes. Sirius tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"But is that really the reason, Wit? Do you _really_ think it's me?"

"Well, yes. I do." Sirius looked astonished for only a second, but then he stood up straight, seemingly offended by Lily's answer.

"I'll have you know, I'm a relationship kind of bloke. I _live_ for relationships."

"Just last week you told me that the girl you took to Hogsmeade was too much trouble because she wanted to go with you next time as well," James pointed out, laughing. "You said, and I quote, 'I'm just not a relationship sort of bloke.'" Sirius seemed surprised that he had remembered something like that, and James grinned in victory.

"The issue is that Hooper sort of got…clingy." Sirius turned to Lily, as if looking for help. "She wanted to eat breakfast with me the day after Hogsmeade. I mean, can you _imagine_?"

"Oh yes, how horrifying!" Lily exclaimed, shaking her head seriously. "The absolute _nerve_ of Olivia. To want to have breakfast with you after having a date she enjoyed? I've never heard of such a thing!" Sirius's eyes narrowed.

"I think I should take away your 'Wit' nickname and replace it with something else," he muttered. James grinned immediately.

"How about 'Sarcasm?' Oh! Or 'Facetious?'" Sirius ignored him.

"I was thinking 'Irksome.' Or maybe even 'Cruel.'" Lily opened her mouth—probably to argue the nickname—when she frowned and turned to James, looking slightly offended.

"Wait, did you say 'facetious?' James—"

"You know what that means?" Sirius interrupted. James felt his cheeks heat, but he just looked at Sirius with one eyebrow raised.

"Why wouldn't I know what it means?"

"_You_ said that people knew better than to use big words around you because they'd understand that you wouldn't have any idea what the words meant." James gaped at Lily.

"Merlin, you have a good memory. I said that back in fifth year!" Lily laughed, shaking her head.

"So you _do _know what incorrigible means. Why play stupid?"

"He doesn't 'play stupid.' I'm rather sure he _is_—" James, however, was tired of this conversation. He sent a quick Stinging Jinx straight at Sirius's face, and was rewarded for his troubles when his best mate yelped. "What the hell, James?" Sirius demanded, pulling out his own wand, looking ready to curse anyone in his path. Lily, of course, stepped between them, holding out her hands bracingly.

"I honestly don't care if you two want to duel. But at least wait until after tea." James stared at Lily for a second before shoving his wand back into the back pocket of his jeans.

"Please, no need to show so much concern, Lil. It may go to my head," he deadpanned, causing Sirius and Lily to laugh.

A little while later, as they headed down the stairs to have tea with his mum, James couldn't help but mouth a quick 'thank you' to Sirius. His best mate had succeeded where he had not—with a few stupid jokes, Sirius had managed to get Lily to visibly relax.

XXX

Mrs. Potter looked like she had aged ten years since the last time he had seen her. In fact, it looked like a fairly strong breeze could quite possibly just blow her away. Yet despite that, despite the fact that she was quite obviously seriously ill, her brown eyes shone with vivacity. If he only focused on her eyes, he could almost forget that she was sick.

Of course, Sirius couldn't just look into her eyes in order to forget that she was ill. He had to watch James carefully, constantly be on watch for signs of breaking down—of not being able to handle everything on his own—so that he could go to his best mate's aid the moment he was needed.

And then there was Lily.

Something was obviously wrong with her. She sat stiffly, completely ignored Mr. Potter's presence, yet spoke with Mrs. Potter with a deference that bordered on outright admiration. And, the strangest thing of all, Sirius was quite sure she didn't even look James's way once. If he spoke, she sipped her tea silently. If he asked her something, she somehow dodged the question. It was completely unnerving to watch, especially considering he had interrupted them in the middle of a snog earlier and had since been with them. There was no way they could have had a row…

By far, it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences Sirius had ever had—and he was cousins with Bellatrix.

"James tells me you want to be a Healer, Lily," Mrs. Potter said, leaning forward and looking at Lily with a wide smile. Before Lily could respond, however, Mr. Potter shook his head sadly.

"A shame, really. I've told Miss Evans—and I'll say it again—she'd make a fine Auror." Sirius wondered if anyone else could see the dangerous glint that appeared in Lily's eyes at that moment.

"Well, I had first wanted to join the Ministry. But I changed my mind by my third year." Sirius practically squirmed in his seat, knowing exactly what was about to happen, and wishing he could be somewhere else. Mrs. Potter looked at him in amusement, as if she could understand his fidgeting. But if that was true, she didn't seem all too worried…

"I never knew that," said the ever-oblivious James. Sirius practically groaned aloud. How could James—who knew Lily better than anyone—have missed the obvious warning signs? "Why did you change your mind?" Mr. Potter's eyes widened, and Sirius kicked James from underneath the table. But James only had eyes for Lily. Her shoulders sagged as she shook her head, obviously unwilling to let the conversation continue.

"It doesn't really matter," she said, smiling softly at James—as if she was thankful. Sirius frowned in confusion, but before he could somehow salvage the situation, redirect the conversation to something else—_anything _else—James spoke up.

"I can tell them, if you'd like." James didn't wait for Lily's answer. He turned to his mother with a bitter smile. "In her third year, Lily realized that the Ministry was full of hypocrites. Full of cowards who are willing to do whatever necessary to further their own goals—even at the expense of an innocent muggle doctor who had done nothing wrong."

"James—" Lily began, her cheeks bright red, but her eyes defiant.

"No. No, I've had enough. You need to tell him what you think, politeness be damned." Lily rolled her eyes.

"You're so thick. This has nothing to do with wanting to be polite to Mr. Potter," she said, laughing for real for the first time since they sat down for tea. Her eyes then widened, like she had just realized what she had said, and she looked at Mr. Potter slightly apologetically. "Sorry," she muttered, her cheeks reddening further. Before Mr. Potter could say anything, James cut in.

"There you go again! You don't owe him anything—least of all your respect!"

"This has nothing to do with respect either, James," Lily said, shaking her head. Sirius took a quick look at Mr. and Mrs. Potter—wanting to gauge their reactions—and was surprised when he realized that the former looked a bit irritated, and the latter was shaking from repressed laughter. He had been sure they'd both begin to berate James for his behavior.

"Then why don't you tell him exactly what you feel? Why keep it in?" James demanded, looking at Lily furiously. Sirius started to rise from his chair, about to attempt to calm James down, when he felt a hand on his arm. Mrs. Potter shook her head nearly imperceptibly.

Mr. Potter, however, had turned red in the face and was obviously unwilling to let James continue.

"Believe me, James, you've made your sentiments concerning this matter quite clear several times before."

"Well, _I _have, Dad. But Lily hasn't."

"I'm sure she shares your feelings towards me."

"I doubt you know even half of the feelings she has towards you," James said, standing up and looking at his father squarely. Sirius was seconds away from faking a heart attack. Perhaps then this conversation would be over.

"This is ridiculous," Lily said, standing up as well. "James, I really don't need you to fight my battles for me. Thank you for caring, thank you for standing up for me, but there's no need."

"Lily—"

"He's your dad, James," Lily interrupted, frowning. "No matter what's happened, I would never want you to jeopardize your relationship with him."

"I think it's far too late for that," Mrs. Potter interrupted cheerfully, speaking for the first time since the argument had begun. "Charlus does what he thinks is right. He has a tendency to alienate those around him." Finally, Sirius decided that enough was enough. This had long since gotten out of hand, and if he let it continue any longer, he feared that their Christmas would turn into a series of awkward glances. So he took matters into his own hands.

"Professor McGonagall told me that it wasn't possible for me to make my own two-man Quidditch team. She said that it would 'defeat the purpose,' or something of that sort. I wasn't really listening after she said I couldn't do it." Lily—who had heard about his dreams of making a two-man Quidditch team—burst into laughter, but the Potters merely stared at him, their faces sporting identical expressions of surprise.

XXX

Alice was crouched behind a bush, desperate not to be seen.

Not for the first time, she wished she had thought to find Frank _before_ she hid behind the bush, but it was far too late. If she moved now, she was sure Mrs. Longbottom would notice her immediately—a part of her thought that Mrs. Longbottom had a sensor that specifically located _her_—and the prospect of speaking to Frank's mother was utterly terrifying.

The first time had been more than enough.

"Everyone can see the top of your head," Frank said cheerfully. Alice cursed and stood up straight, glaring at Frank, who had the nerve to laugh.

"Oh shut up. You didn't fare much better when you had to speak to my father." Frank nodded in agreement.

"Yes, but I didn't _hide_ from him."

"Well, your mother is far more terrifying than my father."

"Your father, the Auror? The man who can legally use Unforgivables?" Frank raised an eyebrow, as if daring her argue. But Alice patted the dirt away from the hem of her dress robes, and rolled her eyes.

"I'll have you know, my father doesn't agree with Crouch. He says we should stay away from the Unforgivables." Alice paused, poked Frank in the chest, and gave him her best scowl. "But I'm sure he'd make an exception if I asked."

"Are you threatening me?" It was obvious he was trying to keep himself from laughing, but he was also failing miserably. His lips were quivering, and every few seconds, something like a soft snort seemed to escape despite his efforts.

"If you don't hide me from your mother, then yes. Yes, I am," she answered, standing tall, hoping he'd realize she was serious.

"Are you actually scared of her, or is this some sort of joke?" Frank had the audacity to ask, grinning slightly at her. Alice huffed, and crossed her arms in agitation.

"It's that horrid hat. The entire time she was talking to me, I couldn't take my eyes off it. I was absolutely mortified when she asked me if I had noticed something moving up there." Frank snorted, loudly and unashamedly.

"Asked you that, did she? I can't believe she managed it with a straight face."

"Well, she did. And I think I'll be quite alright with speaking with her sometime in the next decade. But for now, _hide me_." Frank, however, did not hide her. Instead, he grabbed her arm, pulled her away from the bush and towards the tent that had been set up, where all his family members had congregated.

"I found her!" he shouted, causing several of his cousins to stick their heads out of the tent, their grins as wide as his. Alice groaned, wondering if she was quite sure she wanted to latch herself to such a family.

When she and Frank broke the news of their engagement to _her_ parents, her father had merely smiled slightly in approval, and her mother had decided to invite Frank over to dinner every night of the holidays. They had not, however, decided to have an entirely unnecessary celebration. Mrs. Longbottom had.

"You could have at least invited Lily and the others to this," Alice muttered, elbowing Frank in the side as hard as he could. He shrugged.

"I wanted to, but Mum said that she couldn't possibly invite our friends _and _fit David, Gregory, and Anne in as well."

"Who are David, Gregory, and Anne?" Alice asked, looking around as if she might possibly notice one of them hiding between the various uncles and great-aunts that were aimlessly wandering about the tent. She wanted to know who had been deemed more important than their friends. Frank shrugged again.

"I dunno," he said, frowning as they passed two of his uncles who were drunkenly arguing. "I think Gregory is a fifth or sixth cousin. I've never heard of an Anne or David." Alice snorted, choosing not to respond. With the luck she'd been having lately, Frank's mother would probably be standing behind her, and then she'd be the hated potential daughter-in-law instead of the absurdly dense potential daughter-in-law. Alice winced, once again wondering if she knew what she was getting herself into with the Longbottoms.

She glanced at Frank briefly—who was chatting away about yet another family member who he'd never even heard of before, completely oblivious to the fact that Alice had long since stopped listening—and she decided it didn't really matter. Even if he _was_ the only relatively normal Longbottom, he was the only one who mattered.

XXX

"That's interesting. The library at Hogwarts is just like this," Lily muttered, placing the book in her hand down on a table and then taking several steps back. She watched as the book levitated and shelved itself in a bookcase in the far corner of the library—in the exact same place she had picked it up in the first place. "I wonder how it works," she said aloud, looking at Sirius for any insight. He raised an eyebrow.

"Magic," he said with a shrug, once again displaying his natural propensity for being entirely useless.

"Earth-shattering observation, that," she deadpanned. But then she sighed, looking wistfully at the books around her. "I was so fascinated with it in first year. But I suppose you just sort of get used to it…" Sirius yawned.

"So why the interest now?" he asked, leaning back in his chair and giving her a pointed look. "Bored, Wit?"

"Don't look at me like that. And I'm not bored."

"I beg to differ. Your eyes are practically screaming it. Besides, I'm rather bored as well. We can go to Diagon Alley, if you'd like." Lily scowled, pulling out the chair across from Sirius and slumping into it.

"Mr. Potter said we were to 'remain indoors.' Did you forget?"

"No. I just tend to ignore what Mr. Potter says." Lily snorted despite herself, inclined to agree with Sirius. "Besides, it's not as if we're his children. He can't order us about as well."

"If that's your way of saying he _ordered_ James to go to the Ministry with him, you're just being ridiculous. James wanted to go."

"James wants to teach."

"I know that. But, again, James _wanted_ to go with his father." Sirius rolled his eyes and then put his head down on the table, burying his face in his arms.

"At least when James is here we can play Quidditch," he muttered, his voice muffled. "And we don't have to go to the library in order to hide from his mother." Lily scowled.

"We're not _hiding_, per se. We're merely avoiding her until James gets back. It's far less awkward this way."

"Speak for yourself. I get along just fine with Mrs. Potter." Lily frowned slightly before tapping Sirius on the head so he'd look up.

"Speaking of getting along with people…Regulus wanted to talk to me." Sirius immediately frowned, a disturbing glint in his eyes.

"What did you say?" he asked, his voice dangerously soft. Lily grabbed his hand and squeezed it, realizing a bit too late that she probably should have used a better segue than just blurting out that Sirius's brother—a potential Death Eater—had wanted to talk to her.

"He said he had some questions for me."

"Why would he ask _you_?" Though Sirius's tone was harsh and rather rude, Lily didn't even flinch. She just gave him a steely look, wishing he'd keep his anger in check long enough for her to explain.

After that, he could yell and brood as much as he liked.

"I don't know, Sirius. The issue isn't that he spoke with me—it's _what_ he said."

"And what was that? How you've been faking your success for the past seven years as no muggle-borns could be so talented?" Lily glared at him, unimpressed with his sarcasm. She had to resist the urge to slap him in the back of the head.

"_No_. It's just…Sirius, he's not like Mulciber or Avery. He's nothing like the others." She went on and told Sirius everything—about how Regulus cornered her, how he had said that Dumbledore compared the two Black brothers, and even how Regulus had thanked her at the end. In fact, the only part she left out was everything about Severus. Sirius didn't need to know that.

For a minute—a whole minute—Sirius sat completely still, looking at some point behind her shoulder, obviously not paying any attention to their surroundings. When he finally spoke, his voice was gruff, and his eyes were distant.

"Did you mention any of this to James?"

"No, of course not. Regulus is _your_ brother, not James's. But what—" Sirius nodded stiffly, not letting her finish.

"Lily, I want you to promise—_swear_—that you'll keep this to yourself. James can't know about this." Lily blinked in confusion.

"Sirius—"

"You didn't swear, Lily," he interrupted, his eyes flashing.

"Why is it so imperative that he doesn't find out?" she snapped, now officially annoyed with Sirius.

"Because James will tell me not to get my hopes up. He'll say that it's temporary, that Regulus is gone. And I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear my best mate tell me to give up on my brother—not again."

"Sirius—"

"I can't deal with it again. So you have to swear, Lily. You have to swear that this stays between us. You _have_ to—"

"Dammit, Sirius, if you stopped interrupting me I would!" Sirius looked at her in surprise, and she had to once again resist the urge to hit him. "Of course I'll swear. I don't think James would say those things to you, but I'll swear anyway."

"Oh? And why wouldn't he?"

"Because he's not like that anymore. He doesn't see the world in black and white."

"While your defense of him is admirable, Wit, it's also pointless. James is still the same bloke who pushed you away because you supported Dumbledore." Lily was relieved at the use of the nickname—mostly because it meant Sirius had relaxed—but the rest of his statement made her bristle. She glared at him.

"James is _not _the same. He's grown up. Don't you remember last night? Everything he said to his dad?" Sirius gave her a pitying look.

"Lily, I'm not saying this to hurt you, I swear, but…he may have started out intending to defend you, but towards the end, he was just glad for the chance to have it out with his dad." Sirius frowned sadly. "I was sure you noticed. Wasn't that why you told him you didn't want him to ruin his relationship with Mr. Potter?"

Lily ignored Sirius, feeling that—in this particular instance—she understood James better.

"Speaking of Mr. Potter," she said with a scowl, "d'you know what he asked me to do?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Does it matter? You probably just ignored him and went on your way."

"Actually, I told him I'd do it." Sirius, who had obviously lost concentration after their conversation about Regulus had ended, suddenly sat up straight, looking at her in shock.

"What? _What_ did you do?" She held his gaze for a moment, wondering if it was a good idea to tell Sirius what had happened. Of course, she also realized it was slightly too late to turn back now—besides, there was a part of her that was desperate to tell someone, _anyone_.

"Sirius, I need to fix this and I don't know how," Lily muttered, leaning forward, wondering if her distress was obvious. Her promise to Mr. Potter had been on her mind since she had arrived, and she hadn't been able to look at James or Mrs. Potter without immediately wanting to vomit. Perhaps telling Sirius would help, or he could somehow get her out of this very big mistake.

"All right, tell me exactly what you promised."

XXX

"Three Ministry officials have gone missing since early last week, Albus. The Minister sent Aurors to look for them, but…"

"But there's very little hope for finding them alive," Albus said softly, finishing Sean's statement. He nodded miserably, his face pale and his expression grim.

"That's not all, though. The Dementors are terrorizing Muggle neighborhoods. There've even been several rumors that the giants have joined Voldemort." Albus sighed, and turned to Alastor.

"Were there any sightings?" Alastor shook his head.

"No. The Muggles believe they just have bad storms. But the damage is clearly caused by giants." Albus pressed the tips of his fingers together, looking at his bookcase with disinterest, his mind filled with strategies and worries. Not for the first time, he felt a surge of guilt—the sense that it had been _his_ fault that Tom was able to cause such havoc.

"There is some good news," Alastor said softly, sitting up straight in the armchair that sat across from Albus's desk. "The infiltration of the Ministry is not as severe as we first assumed. The Dark Art sympathizers are being rounded up every day." Albus nodded, relief flooding through him. He would have to remember to write to Millicent and congratulate her…

"Professor, there _is_ one more thing," Sean said hesitantly, looking rather nervous. "Marlene and I were wondering if you planned on telling Evans about the break-out. About Knight?"

"The Minister said to keep it between the Order," Alastor barked, sending a glare Sean's way. To his credit, the younger man didn't even flinch.

"Well, that's just it, isn't it? Evans is _part_ of the Order. And she was friends with Knight. Shouldn't she know?" Albus shook his head solemnly.

"Lily is a student. I want her to enjoy the few months she has left at Hogwarts. She's been burdened enough as it is."

"But Professor—"

"You heard Dumbledore, McKinnon. Evans is not to know," growled Alastor, interrupting Sean easily.

"Yes, but—"

"When the time is right, I will tell her myself," Albus said, cutting in with a small smile. "Don't forget, she is only seventeen."

"She is of age!"

"She is still a student."

"She was still a student when she performed _Videranimae_!" Alastor stood and grabbed Sean by the shoulder, shaking his head.

"C'mon, McKinnon. You and I have work to do." He nodded briefly to Albus and pulled Sean out of his seat and past the doors to Albus's office.

"What a rude young man," Phineas said the moment Alastor and Sean were gone. Albus didn't bother to respond. He merely sighed and continued working.

XXX

On Christmas morning, Lily found herself in the Potters' icy garden, walking behind Mrs. Potter as she listened to the older woman chat about the fauna.

Nearly half the garden was devoted to magical plants. There were herbs used for potions, several plants Lily had only seen in Herbology, and even a mandrake—"You never know when you need mandrakes," Mrs. Potter had said. Lily had refrained from asking if she expected to see a basilisk around the corner.

It wasn't a very funny joke.

"James tells me you want to be a Healer. You'll find all of these herbs," Mrs. Potter gestured to the garden, "rather useful."

"I suppose. But I always found the magical aspect of it to be far more interesting." For a second, Mrs. Potter didn't respond, but then she eyed Lily skeptically.

"Care to be more specific, Miss Evans?" Lily bit her lip, not really wanting to be more specific at all. There was no doubt in her mind that Mrs. Potter knew exactly what she had meant when she said she was more interested in the magical part of Healing. After all, muggles used herbs in their medicine, and that hadn't helped her mother at all.

"It just seems that you could do more good with the magical part of Healing."

"I see," Mrs. Potter murmured, looking away. An awkward silence followed, both of them obviously unwilling to break the silence—Lily out of pride, and Mrs. Potter out of a sense of duty. Finally, after what seemed to be hours, Mrs. Potter spoke. "He's not a bad man, you know." Her voice was soft, almost as if she was unwilling to say the words, and Lily found that she was actually angry. She was angry that Dorea Potter was defending her husband—a husband who had asked Lily to _lie_ to Mrs. Potter because he thought that that was the best thing to do.

"I'd actually rather not talk about Mr. Potter."

"Are you planning on hating him forever?"

"Would that be so wrong of me?" Lily suddenly realized that the conversation was quickly getting out of hand, and that it needed to end soon. Mrs. Potter—who had obviously realized the same thing—continued, however, apparently intent on hearing all of Lily's tirades against her husband.

"Charlus works to help muggle-borns. He has fought for equal rights his entire adult life. Charlus even opposed Grindewald—before Dumbledore even attempted to defeat him! Surely you must see that Charlus is a good man?" Mrs. Potter said, looking Lily straight in the eyes. For a second, Lily stood rigidly, determined not to rise to the bait. _She's ill_, Lily reminded herself firmly, _she's ill, and I should be polite. _But then Mrs. Potter shook her head sadly—as if she was _disappointed_—and Lily decided that rising to the bait probably wasn't a bad idea after all.

"Mr. Potter has a limited view of right and wrong, Mrs. Potter. He makes his choices based on his own ideals with no thought to those around him and how his decisions might affect them." Lily took a deep breath, knowing that there was no point in getting angry. "Mr. Potter may be a champion of muggle-born rights, he might be the most idealistic pureblood in the wizarding world, but that does _not_ change the fact that he is selfish—that he's willing to turn other people's _lives_ into collateral damage just so he can get his way."

"Lily—"

"I know that I'm being rude, Mrs. Potter, and I'm _sorry_. But I'm not a piece in the game between you, James, and Mr. Potter. It's a power struggle, and all three of you are using me to gain leverage. I will _not_ participate any longer." Inexplicably, Mrs. Potter smiled, and looked at Lily fondly.

"You caught on rather quickly. What gave it away?"

"Between Mr. Potter asking me to lie to you, and James's outburst that first night, it wasn't too hard for me and Sirius to figure it out." She wasn't even lying—it had been embarrassingly obvious as to what the Potters were doing once Lily had related everything to Sirius. She hadn't even needed his explanation of pureblood 'politics' or that it wasn't 'personal' to realize that her presence in Potter Manor had merely caused the rift between the three Potters to grow wider.

"It's what they do naturally, Wit," Sirius had said earlier that week in the library. "James probably doesn't even realize that you're being used as a pawn. After all, you didn't tell him about the promise you made to Mr. Potter—he just thinks he's defending himself from his dad." Of course, despite Sirius's words, Lily said nothing to James when he returned that night. In fact, she didn't speak at all.

She refused to be used any further.

Mrs. Potter pulled Lily out of her thoughts by patting her on the shoulder and giving her a small frown. "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean," she said softly, her face a mask of slight curiosity.

"I thought you were on Mr. Potter's side. Wouldn't you know about what he asked me?" Lily said, not hiding her own feelings. She let every bit of her annoyance show.

"Side? You think I chose sides? I'm rather inconsequential, Lily. Neither my son nor my husband would even want me on their side."

"Then why allow this charade to continue at all?" Lily asked, feeling a headache coming on. "What's the point of all this testing and lying and underhandedness?" Mrs. Potter pursed her lips, and then shook her head in slight agitation.

"Whether James likes it or not, he is a pureblood." She paused and looked sternly at Lily. "He has responsibilities as a Potter, and he must learn how to lie, how to be underhanded, how to deal with the politics of the wizarding world. This is his inheritance."

"I don't understand. Why not allow him to deal with the politics on his own terms? Why the trickery? Why turn me into a game piece?"

"James wouldn't have cared otherwise," she said simply, shrugging. "Now tell me, what did Charlus ask you to do?"

"I don't think you want to know," Lily said honestly, shaking her head. Mrs. Potter laughed.

"All of the games aside, I do hope you know that I think you're a wonderful young woman. I don't think James could have possibly fallen in love with someone better." Lily felt her cheeks heat despite the chill of the garden, and she smiled uncertainly.

"Thank you." Mrs. Potter turned to walk back inside—probably for a cup of tea—but Lily rushed forward, feeling a bit sick to her stomach. She had thought that Mrs. Potter had known about the promise she made to Mr. Potter, that it was planned between them from the start. But now it was apparent that James's mother had been an unwilling player just like Lily.

And that made all the guilt and disgust that she had felt initially come raging back.

"Mrs. Potter, I really don't think you want to know, but…but you _should_ know," Lily said, her shoulders drooping. "I'm so sorry for agreeing to it. I just…I felt I could understand, even if I didn't like it." Even as Lily told Mrs. Potter everything—watched as the older woman's eyes grew more guarded, and her posture stiffen—she found that, for the first time since arriving at the Manor, she had done the right thing.

She had circumvented the damn politics by doing what she should have done from the very start—tell the truth.

XXX

"Dammit, Wormtail, if you don't stop fidgeting, we'll get Moony to chase you around again."

"It's not my fault! You _know_ it's hard to fit three people under the Cloak."

"Maybe if you learned to walk like a normal human being, this wouldn't be an issue."

"Speak for yourself, Padfoot. You're the one who keeps bumping into the suits of armor. You're making them groan!"

"If you'd stop shoving me, I wouldn't bother the suits of armor. You think I like being jabbed by pieces of metal?"

"All right! Both of you, shut it!" James hissed, tired of listening to Sirius and Peter argue. They'd been going at it since the three of them had Apparated into Hogsmeade, and James was sure they'd have continued until Remus's transformation.

They were rather persistent.

"Don't take out your anger on me and Wormtail. You're mad at Moony, not us."

"Shut up, Sirius." Even though James couldn't see his best mate, he knew that Sirius had frowned. After all, he had broken one of the rules…

"I think you mean Padfoot. Or Mr. Padfoot. We don't use our given names on the night of the full moon."

"I'm not in the mood," James muttered, pulling the Cloak off of them when they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and shoved it into his bag. The Fat Lady merely raised an eyebrow at the sudden appearance of three boys.

"Password?" she asked.

"Ginger Newts," James muttered stiffly. The three of them ambled through the portrait hole, still arguing under their breath, when they noticed that Remus was sitting in front of a roaring fire, reading a book.

"All right, Moony, explain yourself!" Peter shouted as Sirius stalked over to a very shocked Remus.

"What're you three doing here?" he asked, his eyes wide. James was quite sure he had never seen Remus show so much surprise before, and he found that he wanted nothing more than to laugh. Instead, he clapped Remus on the back, a grin on his face.

"You didn't think we wouldn't figure out you stayed at Hogwarts, did you?" James asked, his grin fading somewhat. "You're not going to go through this alone."

"But James—"

"It's Prongs, remember?" James said, grinning briefly at Sirius. "And we're not going to let you go through with this on your own. No matter how much you feel you might have to." James pretended to check his watch. "Well, you'd best be off to Pomfrey. We'll be waiting for you in the Shrieking Shack."

Without waiting for a response, James threw the Cloak over himself, Sirius, and Peter, prepared to listen to arguments about how much pain the suits of armor could feel all the way down to the grounds. And he found he didn't quite mind.

_Hello all! Sorry about the wait, and I really hope you enjoy this chapter! As always, a huge shout out to my beta for her excellent edit, and to everyone who reads/reviews/etc. _


	32. A Potter's Final Request

_A brief recap since I apparently can't update regularly: Things are generally bad. The Order discovers that the Ministry no longer has control of the dementors and all the prisoners have escaped—including Kate. Marlene is adamant that the Order tells Lily about this, but Dumbledore has forbidden it. Meanwhile, Hogwarts is on break. Everyone goes home except for Remus, something he lies about. Lily gets a crash course on pureblooded politics, and Mrs. Potter learns something about her husband that infuriates her. James, Sirius, and Peter sneak into Hogwarts on Christmas Eve so that they can be with Remus during the full moon._

Chapter Thirty-two- A Potter's Final Request

When neither James nor Sirius showed up for breakfast on Christmas morning, Lily paid it no mind. While Mr. Potter muttered under his breath about unruly sons and their prankster ways and how he 'should never have given James the bloody Cloak,' Mrs. Potter contented herself with staring rather fiercely at her husband. Normally, the awkwardness would have set Lily on edge, would have made her uncomfortable. But after confessing everything to Mrs. Potter—whether that had been the right thing to do or not—she felt oddly at ease.

And so she sat at the table, drinking copious amounts of tea and buttering her toast happily, and watched the two elder Potters with just the slightest bit of amusement.

"He _knows_ he has to be here," Mr. Potter said loudly, turning to Lily suddenly, his eyes wide. "We're a family on Christmas." Lily had the sinking suspicion that Mr. Potter knew she was completely aware of where Sirius and James were (which was true) and that he expected her to tell him (which was _never_ going to happen).

"As opposed to all the other days of the year when we're _not_ a family, yes Charlus?" Mrs. Potter asked, her tone cold despite the smile on her face. Lily nearly winced, and wished she could disappear. If they wanted to hash things out, they were more than welcome to. She just wished they'd do it when she wasn't around to witness the arguing.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Mr. Potter asked impatiently, not even sparing his wife a glance. He was focused on Lily. "You know where the boys are, Miss Evans, don't you?"

"Don't answer that, Lily!" Mrs. Potter said quickly, as if there was _any_ danger of that happening. Mrs. Potter turned back to her husband, her entire countenance icy. "James is of age. He doesn't have to answer to you all the time."

"I'm perfectly aware of my son's age. That doesn't mean he can go gallivanting around when there's a madman on the loose!" Lily snorted despite herself.

"Surely you don't mean Sirius?" she found herself saying. "I mean, I know he's odd, but he's not a _madman_." Mr. and Mrs. Potter blinked, both of them looking at her with surprise.

"You have a sense of humor?" Mrs. Potter asked the same moment Mr. Potter shook his head in disappointment and said:

"Voldemort is not a laughing matter, Miss Evans." Lily blushed, and every single uncomfortable feeling she had since arriving at Potter Manor returned.

"I think I'll go see if James and Sirius left any clues about where they were going, shall I?" It wasn't likely, unless they had been dense enough to leave out their lunar calendar and perhaps a toy werewolf lying around. But the excuse must have worked because when Lily stood, her chair scraping across the kitchen floor, she was able to escape upstairs without either Potter protesting.

When she reached James's room, she shut the door and threw herself on his bed, finding that, inexplicably, she was _laughing_. It didn't make sense—after all, Sirius and James _should_ have been back by now, as the sun had long since risen—yet she didn't dare question it.

She didn't have the opportunity to really laugh anymore, and she had been given such a wonderful gift—courtesy of the last two people she would have ever imagined to make her laugh—and she fully intended to savor it.

Lily just wished James would return soon so that she could laugh with him.

XXX

"That's disgusting," Peter muttered, though he leaned closer to Sirius's arm, and looked at the rather nasty—and deep—cut with interest.

"Yes, well, if _you_ hadn't pushed me into the damn tree—"

"I didn't push you! You ran into it yourself! Don't blame me!" Sirius looked away from his wound and glared at Peter, making sure the smaller boy knew that it was best to keep silent.

All in all, the full moon had been one of the more exciting ones. They had explored a great deal of the forest, had a nasty run in with the acromantulas, and quite possibly solidified any doubts the villagers had about the Shrieking Shack being haunted. Of course, _that_ was when Moony had gotten a bit too excited, and Sirius had found himself with a deep cut in his arm, pieces of wood from a table leg in the Shrieking Shack sticking out in odd places, making him look like an incredibly stupid pincushion. It had been a manageable wound until Peter had rammed him into a tree as they headed towards the castle grounds, adding dirt, leaves, and what was possibly mushrooms to the bloody mess.

"D'you think it'll get infected?" Peter asked, grinning slightly. Sirius punched him with his good arm, relishing the yelp of pain.

"How about you help me fix it instead of babbling like an idiot?"

"I can't help you! You _know_ I'm absolutely rubbish at Healing spells. I can take you to Pomfrey."

"You're so thick, Wormtail. We can't go to Pomfrey. _We're not here_, _remember_?" Peter straightened and crossed his arms over his chest, looking slightly offended.

"You act like it's my fault you've got a banged up arm."

"It _is_ your fault." Peter rolled his eyes.

"James will find us soon and then he'll fix you up," he said, looking out at the trees, as if James was hiding behind one of them.

"This is such a bloody mess," Sirius groaned, laying down on the cold, damp ground. The trees were so close together in this part of the forest that there was no snow on the ground, something that Sirius was both glad of and disappointed with. He could have attempted to clean out his wound with snow.

"Yep, it's literally a bloody mess," Peter chirped, far too cheerful for Sirius's liking. He resolved then and there to reward Peter with a prank.

"You know, as wonderful as your input is, don't you think you'd be more useful if you bothered to _find James_?" Sirius hissed out the last two words, finding it hard to not strangle Peter and put an end to the intentional obtuseness.

"Who shoved the stick up _your_ arse?" Peter mumbled, looking down at Sirius with something akin to actual hurt in his eyes. Sirius sat up, glaring at Peter.

"No, not up my arse, Peter. There's a stick shoved in my _arm,_ though. A _literal_ piece of wood. So stop being an annoying prat_, and go find James, dammit_." Peter shook his head.

"I don't have to go anywhere—"

"—I swear I _will_ hurt you—"

"—because _James_ found _us_," Peter finished, talking over Sirius, a smirk on his face. He pointed to his right, where, sure enough, James was walking over to them, his Cloak folded over his arm.

"I followed Pomfrey and Remus up to the Hospital Wing, and it was a bloody nightmare," he called as he walked. "The woman walks so slow, as if she has all the time in the world." He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. "And my dad will be pissed because we missed breakfast on Christmas. That's probably the only tradition my family has, and we left Lily all alone to deal with my mum and da…" James trailed off when he reached them, and he looked at Sirius with wide eyes. "Merlin, that looks bad. Why didn't you Heal him, Wormtail?"

"Because, apparently, he's rubbish at Healing spells," Sirius snapped, in no mood to chat. "Fix it, James. Right now. I'm tired of looking like a damned tree is trying to grow out of my arm." James laughed nervously.

"I can't fix that," he said, kneeling down and looking at Sirius's arm carefully, his nose wrinkled in distaste. Sirius, feeling vindictive, neglected to mention that James had just kneeled in a small pool of his blood.

It served the prat right for being so unhelpful.

"Why can't you fix it?" Peter asked, poking the end of one of thick splinters of wood gingerly. "Too hard for you?"

"Of course not," James snapped, though Sirius was quite sure he saw James's cheeks redden. "But perhaps St. Mungo's would be a better idea?" He was looking at Sirius with pleading eyes. For whatever reason, James apparently didn't trust himself to fix Sirius's arm, and wasn't that just bloody convenient?

"You know we can't go there. The first people who'd hear about me going to St. Mungo's would be my parents. And then you'd know what would happen."

"They'll try to convince your Uncle Alphard not to leave you anything because you've proven yourself to be irresponsible?" Peter supplied, looking enormously proud.

"Do me a favor, Peter, and shut up," Sirius said through gritted teeth. He turned back to James, who was still staring at the wound with a queasy look on his face. "It's either you, or I bleed to death right here in the Forbidden Forest. Not exactly my dream death—I was thinking I'd die bravely fighting Voldemort or something—but I suppose dying because I have stupid best mates is fine." James raised an eyebrow.

"Stop being so dramatic. You're not bleeding _that_ much. And you're not going to die. We can get Lily to help."

"No. You're not dragging her into this. Last time we went to her because of injuries sustained while frolicking about during the full moon, your girlfriend went absolutely ballistic," Peter protested immediately, shaking his head violently.

"Relax, Wormtail. Lily only acted that way because _I_ was hurt. She won't care about Sirius."

"Thanks, mate, really. That makes me feel loads better about this plan," Sirius mumbled, laying back down on the ground, wishing the pain in his arm—which was now shooting up into his shoulder, as if it could spread—would just go away. "If we're asking for Wit's help, can we leave right away? I think the mushrooms stuck in between the wood may be poisonous." James peered at his arm, and he snorted.

"They're not mushrooms, but they're most definitely poisonous. The good news is that I don't think it's lethal." James frowned, though, clearly not very sure of that fact.

"At this moment, James, I think I hate you." James laughed and used Sirius's good arm to pull him up.

"One day, you'll be singing my praises," he said, conjuring a piece of cloth which he used to make a sling for Sirius's arm.

"Only if I live through this shoddy attempt at helping me," Sirius managed to say. He heard James laugh and answer, but suddenly, James and Peter sounded like they were talking from a great distance, and were virtually unintelligible.

The next thing Sirius knew, everything was black.

XXX

"I always think to myself, 'Oh, there's no reason to worry.' But the four of you are determined to prove me wrong every time, aren't you?" James rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged, something that clearly didn't impress Lily.

James had Apparated Peter and Sirius straight to his bedroom, thinking that it would take a few minutes for him to find Lily. Fortunately, she was _already_ in his room, reading a book, looking rather cheerful—until, that is, she saw Sirius leaning limply against Peter, his head lolling.

As it turned out, Lily _did_ go ballistic at the sight of Sirius's pale face and his arm. Peter had given James a smug look while Lily ranted, and it wasn't until she realized that Sirius only _looked_ bad that she finally calmed down enough to joke around as she set about working on his arm.

"Stupid magical forest, with the stupid poisonous lichen growing on the stupid bark. Why did he run into the tree again?"

"He was delirious," Peter said. "Seemed to think that ramming into the tree would help him. I tried to stop him, honest. But you know Sirius…he's impossible." James laughed when Lily merely rolled her eyes.

"So, what you're trying to say is that you pushed him?" he asked, grinning at Peter.

"It was an accident." Peter cleared his throat. "I mean, _technically_. Besides, Sirius has no tolerance for pain. He kept moaning and grumbling. Pushing him into the tree made him shut up." James laughed, shaking his head, but Lily stared at them with narrowed eyes.

"I thought you said it was an accident," she said, causing Peter to chuckle nervously.

"You know, my parents will be expecting me. Christmas and all that." He turned to James. "Let me know if Padfoot lives?"

"Naturally. Though, if he dies, you'd be the first to know. I think he'd come back to haunt you." Peter laughed again, spun on his heel, and was gone. "Sirius isn't going to actually die, right?" James asked, turning to look at Lily. She rolled her eyes.

"Of course not. It's quite a gash, he's lost a bit of blood, and there's wolf lichen everywhere, but he'll be fine." He sighed, and sank down in a chair next to his bed, where Sirius was laying quite still. It was a bit unnerving, really, considering the fact that James had known his best friend since he was eleven and _this_ was the first time he'd seen Sirius remain still. "I wish I had a camera," Lily suddenly said, her thoughts obviously similar to his. "I'd like to capture this historic moment forever."

"I think my dad has one laying around somewhere…" James began, frowning as he tried to remember where the Muggle camera was hidden after he nearly broke it when he was nine. "I'll go ask him—"

"Don't go to your dad!" Lily exclaimed, shaking her head violently. "He's in an awful mood. Something about breakfast on Christmas being the only family time of the year." James grimaced.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Is he really angry?"

"Less than your mum. I think I ruined Christmas for the Potters this year," she said with a slight smile. It took James a second to realize that she was desperately trying to hide something—he couldn't quite place when her eyes had last been that guarded.

"All right, fess up, Lil. What's going on?"

"What makes you think there's something going on?" she said, her voice high. Sirius let out a groan, mumbling something about biscuits under his breath. James fought the urge to laugh and focused on Lily.

"You're a terrible liar and you know it."

"I'm a perfectly decent liar. Just ask Mary. I've been telling Alice that her favorite pair of socks—the orange ones with the pumpkins—are brilliant for years. But they're absolutely ghastly, James. And they're _old_, so they sort of smell now too—"

"You're rambling, Lily! Whatever you're hiding must be serious." Lily shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest.

"No, _that's _Sirius," she said, pointing to Sirius, who was now mumbling something about not being witty. James frowned. If _Lily_ was making the ridiculous 'Sirius' joke, then something must have been very wrong.

"I get it. You don't want to tell me." He gave her a pointed look, causing her cheeks to turn bright red. "But when has this _ever_ worked? Either you end up telling me, or I find out through other people. So let's avoid all the drama, and you can just get it over with right now."

"There's no drama. I'll have you know I'm always drama free." Now she was being stubborn, and James glared at her.

"Drama free? Is that a joke?"

"Frankly, I'm insulted you'd even say such a thing."

"Insulted, or upset that you know I have every reason to think it's a joke?" Lily paused for only a moment.

"Insulted. I'm definitely insulted," she said, shrugging when James shot her a glare. He opened his mouth to argue, to force her to tell him what she was so desperate to hide, when Sirius began to moan.

"You two argue like an old married couple. It's embarrassing to listen to," he muttered, his eyes fluttering open. James was tempted to tell his best mate to shut up and go back to sleep, but instead, he sighed and sat on the edge of his bed, studying Sirius carefully.

"Feeling better?" Lily asked, her brow furrowing with worry. On one hand, James found that it felt nice that she was so close to Sirius. He was glad that his best mate and his girlfriend got along famously. On the other hand, he was worried about just how close they were. Lily and Sirius made a potent team; if he didn't watch his back and tread carefully, they'd take care of him easily.

"Oh yeah, loads," Sirius deadpanned, wincing when James poked his arm.

"At least Lily removed the twig."

"Not a twig, Prongs. It was a damn tree, and you know it. Tell him, Wit. Tell him it was a damn tree."

"It was a damn tree," Lily told James, her face and tone completely expressionless. While James laughed, Sirius glared at her, as if mortally offended that she'd mock his injury.

"You two can make fun now, but when I'm gone because the poisonous mushrooms—"

"—lichen, Sirius. We learned about them in Potio—"

"—spread throughout my body, due to Wit's poor Healing skills, you'll think back to this day and wonder why you ever laughed," Sirius continued, ignoring Lily's comment entirely. James raised an eyebrow.

"Trust me, Padfoot, I will _never_ wonder why I laughed. If you could see yourself, you'd understand." Sirius opened his mouth to argue, but Lily held up her hands, her eyes closed in annoyance.

"The two of you need to calm down. Mr. Potter is on a warpath, and he's after both of you. You better think of a good cover story to explain the injury."

"Why don't _you_ think of a cover story?" Sirius whined, looking to James for support. "You're better at making up stuff anyway." He looked at his bandaged arm carefully, and then let out an appreciative snort. "You know, Wit, you're not half bad at Healing. I can barely feel the pain anymore." Lily's eyes narrowed immediately.

"Yes, well, thanks for that vote of confidence, Sirius. Really. I'm overwhelmed by your gratitude."

"You didn't talk to James like this after he got hurt."

"Yes, well James nearly died."

"So? I was close to death, too!"

"No, no you weren't. Quit being so dramatic."

"You don't have to protect me, I can handle bad news. I think I've recovered enough." Sirius's tone was somber and deep, as if he was completely serious. Lily, however, wasn't fooled for a second. She just rolled her eyes and smacked Sirius lightly on the head.

"If you don't stop acting this way, I'll go tell Mr. Potter you're back." Immediately, Sirius's mouth clamped shut, causing James to laugh. Lily, however, wasn't done. "I'm serious about what I said. He's going to interrogate the two of you about where you were. You should have seen the color of his face this morning at breakfast."

"I'll tell him the truth, that we were with Remus all night."

"Your dad knows?" Sirius shook his head immediately, not giving James the chance to answer.

"No, Mr. Potter doesn't. But we've talked about Remus's 'health issues' enough throughout the years that he won't question it." Lily raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"And what about your arm?"

"What about it?" Sirius echoed stupidly, looking to James for clarification.

"How're you going to explain your injury?" Lily elaborated. "Don't tell me, you've also talked about Remus's 'violent pet' over the years as well." James let out an uncomfortable laugh and shook his head.

"My dad won't mention it. We've gotten to, er, trouble before." Lily opened her mouth—obviously about to question the blasé way he talked about getting into trouble that ended with injuries—but closed it immediately when the door to James's room flew open.

He'd never seen his mother in such a state of disarray. Her hair was everywhere, her cheeks were tearstained, and something had clearly spilled all over her dress, which she hadn't bothered to clean up. For a second, James wondered if perhaps she was going for some sort of dramatic effect, a punishment of sorts for missing breakfast. When he noticed her shaky hands and the erratic rise and fall of her chest, he realized it was no trick.

"What's wrong? Mum? What happened?" he demanded, rushing forward to grab his mother by the shoulders, hoping to give her some semblance of control—urging her to breathe. His words, however, were nothing more than a catalyst for his mother's breakdown. She collapsed into his arms, a piece of parchment he hadn't noticed before slipping out of her hand. At James's nod, Lily picked up the letter and skimmed through it, paling instantly. "Well? What is it?" he asked loudly, trying to ignore his mother's silent sobs because otherwise he wouldn't be able to concentrate.

"James…" she began, her lower lip quivering, "it's Mr. Potter. He's in St. Mungo's. It's…it's serious."

XXX

Apparently, he'd been told about the attack on the muggle neighborhood only fifteen minutes after she'd escaped to James's room. He'd left immediately without bothering to say a single word to his wife—obviously still angry over what had happened during breakfast—and had ensured that at least half a dozen muggles weren't crushed to death by the rubble that had once been their homes. His determination, however, had left him vulnerable to attack.

There was only so much damage a body could take—only so much damage that could be Healed.

She could hear Sirius's comforting words, his assurances that Mr. Potter would survive the brutal attack. James was rocking back on forth on the heels of his feet, his head in his hands. She hadn't heard him say a single thing since his mother had burst into his room several hours ago.

He hadn't spoken when they got to St. Mungo's, and the Healers insisted they were doing all they could.

He hadn't spoken when they claimed Mr. Potter's injuries were beyond the scope of their abilities.

He hadn't even spoken when they finally allowed him to see his father's battered body and the weak rise and fall of his chest, choosing instead to listen to the faint beating of his heart.

Even now, despite Sirius's hurried assurances and empty promises, James was silent. He fidgeted and seemed to be full of a nervous energy, but he wouldn't make eye contact, let alone talk.

There was a part of her that knew she needed to be by James's side, urging him—like Sirius was—to speak. After all, wasn't that what a girlfriend was supposed to do? Be the shoulder James could lean on? Listen to him as he raved and screamed about the unfairness of the world?

Of course, there was also a part of her that understood how he felt. That realized empty words and uncomfortable shoulders would do nothing to ease the pain and shock he felt at that moment. What could she even say to him? That she hoped Mr. Potter would pull through? James, even in his current state, would immediately know she wasn't being sincere. After all, her feelings for James had never changed her opinion about his father. While she'd never actively _wish _for the older man's death, she also didn't hope that by some miracle he'd live…Lily blinked, unable to pinpoint when exactly she'd become so hard, so cruel. Hadn't she wanted to be a Healer? Wasn't that all about _saving_ lives? So why exactly was her mind filled with a single mantra: _Some lives aren't worth saving. _

Turning around (and pushing all those cruel thoughts roughly away), Lily watched James more carefully, studying his movements, noting his slumped shoulders. Her mind was still drawing a blank when it came to what to tell him. Her words would either fall upon deaf ears, like Sirius's incessant chatter, or she would make him even worse—push him further into his mind, where he was desperately searching for some sort of reprieve.

No, there was nothing she could say.

Lily pushed herself off the wall she was leaning against—the wall directly across from the room Mr. Potter was currently still unconscious in—and walked over to James, silencing Sirius with a pleading look.

Slowly, deliberately, Lily pulled James's hands away from his face, forcing him to look at her. The emptiness, the pain, the terror in his eyes nearly broke her heart. He was studying her face intently, clearly searching for something, and obviously disappointed when he couldn't find it.

She idly wondered if he thought he'd see concern for Mr. Potter in her eyes.

They continued to stare at each other, neither one blinking, neither one willing to concede defeat. She wasn't willing to let him go down the same path she had—she wasn't going to allow him to shut down, blocked out from the world, his mind his very own prison.

She wasn't going to let him hide from his feelings.

When her parents had been killed, she had chosen the coward's way of coping. She had blocked everything out; she had refused to confront her own feelings. Rather than face her own grief, she had run away until there was nowhere else to escape to. Her job as a girlfriend wasn't to be the shoulder James leaned on as he now dealt with his own grief, it was to be sure he had someone to lead him out of the darkness that filled his mind.

So she stared him down, her eyes never wavering from his, trying to convey everything she was thinking without uttering a single word. She wasn't sure how long it took—though judging by the nervous energy that was practically seeping off Sirius, it must've been quite some time—but it was James who finally broke the eye contact. His glasses had slipped down to the tip of his nose, but he ignored it as he dropped his head against her shoulder.

She pretended not to notice the tears that began to seep through her shirt.

"My—my dad's going to die," he said, and Lily could do nothing but hold him, not trusting herself to speak.

XXX

When Charlus Potter opened his eyes, he knew something was very wrong with him. Struggling to keep them open, he managed to sit up, his breathing labored and his heart beating erratically.

"Mr. Potter! Please, lie back down, you need your rest!" The white clad Healers rushed towards him, one of them gently pushing back on his shoulders, the other waving his wand, obviously to check on his vitals.

"I need to do something," he protested, astonished by how weak his voice sounded. The smaller of the two Healers shook her head immediately, looking vaguely panicked, which did nothing but unnerve him. Shouldn't she calm _him_ down? Shouldn't she be the voice of reason?

"Mr. Potter, please. Lie back down," she protested when he just stared at her.

"I want to see my family," he muttered, gathering every last bit of strength he had in order to remain sitting up. "I want to see them."

"You're in a critical state, Mr. Potter," the other Healer said quickly. He smiled at Charlus comfortingly, and somehow, it was far more unnerving than the other Healer's panic.

"I want to see my family," he repeated, obstinately. "Where are they?"

"Your wife and son are outside. We'll let them in as soon as we can."

"Where's the rest of my family?" His hands began to shake uncontrollably. In order to hide it from the Healers' watchful eyes, he pulled his sheets higher. "I want all four of them. Where are Miss Evans and Sirius?"

"Mr. Potter, I'm afraid they're not technically fam—"

"I want all four of them. Please." The two Healers looked at one another, their expressions practically screaming they had no desire to let him see his family. He was just about to speak up—make one last appeal—when the smaller Healer let out a sigh and turned to him.

"I'll go get them for you," she said softly. True to her word, she was barely gone half a minute before his wife, James, Sirius, and Lily Evans shuffled in, their eyes suspiciously red rimmed. Charlus didn't notice when the two Healers left him alone with his family, all he knew was that he wasn't willing to look away from them, look away from the four people he cared about most.

The thought surprised him; when did he start considering Lily Evans a part of his family?

Sirius was a no brainer. After all, he'd spent so much time with James over the years that Charlus wasn't even quite sure when he'd moved in permanently. He was a constant as much as James or Dorea, and though Charlus had a great deal of problems with the Black family, those feelings had never tainted Sirius.

But Lily Evans was another matter entirely. He'd felt nothing but guilt where she was concerned for years, and then—once he learned of James's feelings for her—that guilt quickly turned into agitation. She had put his son in danger; she had been the catalyst for him to grow up. And no matter how much he denied it, he had always somewhat resented her for both.

How odd that he'd be grateful to her now.

"My…my will is in the bottom drawer of the desk in my office. Dorea," he gave his wife a smile, one she barely returned. "Dorea, you know where, yes?"

"Charlus, please, just try to rest," she said, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. "There's no need—"

"There _is_." Charlus ignored the pain in his chest, and fought to ensure his voice was above a whispered rasp. "I'm Secret-Keeper of Potter Manor. Once I die—"

"Mr. Potter, don't say things like that," Sirius interrupted, shaking his head fervently. He was clenching his fists so tightly, Charlus was sure he'd draw blood soon.

"Once I die," Charlus continued, ignoring Sirius completely, "the charm must be recast. Multiple Secret-Keepers is no good." Sirius opened his mouth to interrupt again, but Charlus raised a shaky hand. He didn't have the energy to argue, to pretend everything was going to be okay.

Perhaps it was cruel, but he didn't want to see them for a tearful goodbye. He had to make sure they were prepared, that they were safe. His one thought was that they had to keep fighting. They _had_ to keep going.

"Dumbledore has a few plans for the Order, but he's been…he's been holding off. Tell him…" he paused to catch his breath, suddenly unable to breathe. "Tell him it's too dangerous. Lose the Ministry, but stay alive." His ragged breathing finally seemed to break something in James, and he watched with a mixture of shock and horror as his son fell apart.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I'm so so sorry. For everything I said to you. And everything I did. Just don't die. Please. I swear I'll be better. I swear." He had dropped to his knees next to the bed, grasping Charlus's free hand, his head the only thing visible. "Please, Dad," he pleaded, looking as if the entire world had crashed down on him.

"James…" he murmured, unsure what he could say. He had no desire for the last thing he ever said to his son to be a lie, and yet, being honest didn't seem all that important either. "Don't be sorry," he finally said, fighting his drooping eyes. He was tired. So incredibly tired. "Never be sorry. You were right about all of it. I had to hear it."

"Dad—"

"I'm tired. I'll talk later, yeah?" James nodded shakily, but he made no move to leave the room. Silently, Sirius and Lily pulled him to his feet, slowly leading him to the door, clearly supporting most of his weight. "Miss Evans?" Sirius didn't even bat an eye when all of James's weight was shifted onto him. He merely continued with his task, leaving Lily alone with Charlus and Dorea.

"Mr. Potter, you need to rest," she said softly, looking determinedly at the ceiling. If he'd had the energy, Charlus would've laughed.

"Take care of my son, Lily," he said instead, shocking her so much that she looked away from the ceiling. "He needs you." There was a moment, brief and poignant, during which Charlus was sure she had no intention of replying. Her eyes were wide with shock, and unless his quickly draining body was playing tricks on him, they also seemed to be full of anger and contempt. Of course, the worst thing about the look was that he knew he deserved it. After everything that had happened, everything he'd done, he knew he had no right to receive any sort of response from her, receive the piece of mind that her words would give him.

But the moment passed, and Lily Evans' eyes softened.

"I'll do my best, Mr. Potter," she said, no trace of animosity in her tone. She smiled—quite possibly the first sincere smile she'd ever directed at him. "You need to rest. Try to get better."

After she was gone, and Charlus's eyes were drooping closed, his fatigue finally overcoming him, he decided that she had—in her own way—forgiven him. As he dozed off, his final thoughts centered around how he didn't think he quite deserved it.

XXX

Remus and Lily were sitting side by side on the ground, neither one of them speaking. Her knees had been pulled up to her chest, her chin resting on them, looking rather vacant. He knew that he didn't fare much better—he hadn't quite been about to shake of the shock he'd been feeling since he got her owl nearly two hours previously.

_You have to get here_, she had written_. James will need you._

Of course, it was easier said than done. Remus had immediately gone to McGonagall, but she had flatly refused to let him leave the castle. "You're recovering, Mr. Lupin," she had said sternly, though her eyes were sad. He had left her office, wondering if he could use one of the passages to Hogsmeade and Apparate from there, when he'd felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. Dumbledore, looking far older than Remus had ever seen him, smiled sadly and motioned for him to start walking.

"Come along, Mr. Lupin." And that was that. Less than five minutes later, the two of them were standing outside Mr. Potter's room, looking to a silent Sirius and Lily for answers.

"He was awake earlier. He spoke to us, even," Lily had said quietly, looking like she was afraid someone would overhear. Dumbledore had nodded and entered the room, leaving Remus, Lily, and Sirius alone in the corridor.

Where they remained alone for the next two hours.

None of them talked, mostly because they didn't really know what to say. Lily wrapped her arms around her calves, completely lost in thought, not even noticing Sirius's restless pacing—or at least, not quite caring. Remus idly wondered if they were thinking the same thing as him. If they were worried as much as he was—not just about Mr. Potter and how this would effect James and his mother, but for everyone else as well. After all, who would've thought that the steadfast defender of muggle-borns, the foremost member of the opposition of Voldemort, would fall so soon? And if someone of his strength—of his importance—could fall so easily, then what did that mean for everyone else? Suddenly, as if his thoughts were the catalyst, the door swung open and a very grave Dumbledore stepped out, the normal twinkle in his eye noticeably absent.

"Professor?" Sirius prodded, finally ceasing his incessant pacing.

"He's awake," Dumbledore said, and Remus was shocked to hear the tacit '_for now'_ tacked on at the end. "I think it is best if Charlus is left alone with his family. Perhaps now would be a good time for a cup of tea?" It wasn't a question, and it certainly wasn't a request—it was an order. Sirius looked mutinous at the words, but when Lily stood silently and took him by the arm, he nodded jerkily.

They walked aimlessly for several minutes, none of them having any intention of actually drinking any tea, when Lily broke the silence.

"I wanted to work here," she said softly, a crease appearing on her forehead. "I really did." Remus looked at her for a moment, unable to figure out what she meant. He opened his mouth to ask her, but she spoke up before he could. "We should go back." Sirius, who hadn't looked like he was paying any attention at all, immediately nodded, and the three of them walked back the way they came. Of course, once they reached Mr. Potter's room, Remus wished they hadn't bothered coming back at all.

Dumbledore, in his midnight blue robes and half-moon spectacles, stood the furthest away from the door, as if physical distance could somehow translate to emotional distance. He was ashen, the thumb and middle finger of his right hand pressing against his temples, like he had an awful headache.

As if that sight hadn't been enough, seeing Mrs. Potter slumped in a chair with red-rimmed eyes—though curiously dry, like it hadn't quite sunk in yet—would have been. None of them needed to ask what happened, and neither Dumbledore nor Mrs. Potter seemed at all willing to offer up the information. Then again, it was written all over her face: _His injuries were just too great...He was in far too much pain…He stopped fighting…_

Mr. Potter had passed away.

XXX

"I am truly sorry for this, Lily." She looked up from her trunk and shook her head.

"There's no reason to be sorry. I understand."

"Yes, but—"

"Relax, James." She gave him the tiniest of smiles, wanting to reassure him, yet not knowing how exactly. When he ran his fingers through his hair roughly, she realized she hadn't even halfway succeeded at putting him at ease, and she very nearly groaned aloud. "You're being entirely unreasonable. Why on earth would I be upset over this?"

"Why would you be upset that I'm kicking you out of my house a week before we're supposed to go back to Hogwarts? I dunno, Lily, it's pretty upsetting to me." He was pale, though that was to be expected. What bothered her was how entirely normal he was acting. What was actually upsetting wasn't that he'd asked her to spend the rest of the holidays at Hogwarts because he thought it was best if he and his mother could mourn by themselves, but that he looked far more unsettled by the fact she'd agreed so readily and less so by his father's death.

"You're not kicking me out. I practically volunteered. You deserve to spend time alone with your mother." When he didn't look convinced, she practically rolled her eyes. "I'm serious, James." She stepped away from her trunk and gently took one of his hands. "Besides, I would just be in the way. This is a time for family—"

"You _are_ family," James interrupted, his eyes flashing. "He considered you family."

"I'm _muggleborn. _You know I can't stay, not for this. Even Mrs. Potter agreed." All of it was true, but as James's jaw clenched, she realized he hadn't been able to accept it as easily as she had.

"He would've wanted you here. He would've thought it would send a message. That it would be funny." Surprisingly, Lily mused as she looked away, she was sure he was right. Mr. Potter _would _have wanted her here. He'd have relished the looks on all the purebloods' faces after they saw her. Of course, it wasn't a good idea to stick around for a funeral that a great many people who absolutely hated her and her kind were to attend. She was going to tell James that, but she never got around to it, because when she looked up at him again, he looked dangerously closed to breaking down. "I'll see you on the first day of term, Lil," he said a little breathlessly. He leaned forward and gave her a quick kiss before practically running out of the room. Sighing, Lily turned back to her trunk, making sure all her things were packed and ready to go.

"He's waiting for you to say you won't leave." Lily's back straightened, but she didn't turn around. She'd had this conversation twice in as many days, as she wasn't keen on having it again. "Merlin, Wit, why won't you just stay?" Perhaps it was Sirius's exasperated tone, or—more likely—her temper had finally reached its breaking point, because she whirled on him, suddenly furious.

"Shut up, Sirius."

"Why? Because it makes you feel guilty?"

"I've nothing to be guilty for," she said hotly, sticking Sirius with a good glare. "I can't stay. You _know _I can't stay. His mother asked me to leave. _He_ asked me to leave. Even Dumbledore asked me to leave."

"But he doesn't _want_ you—"

"Do you think _I_ want to leave him here?" she demanded, ignoring Sirius's protests. "Do you think I'm thrilled by this arrangement? I may not have liked Mr. Potter, but you don't think I'd at least want to pay my respects?"

"You know that's not what I meant." He sounded defeated, and all the fight escaped Lily. "I just hate that we have to leave him when he needs us the most."

"You're a pureblood, you technically could stay."

"I'm _actually_ a blood traitor. Besides, my dear mum and dad are attending the funeral, and I'm sure they wouldn't want to see me." Lily looked at him for a moment, and then nodded in understanding.

"Dumbledore asked you to leave too, did he?" Sirius looked miserable as he nodded.

"Something about 'keeping up appearances' and 'respecting Mr. Potter's wishes.' I wish they'd just been honest."

"What? And admit to our faces that no one likes us?" Sirius smiled at her weak joke, and shook his head.

"No, that politics trumps family."

"It wasn't that they were lying to us, Sirius," she said, levitating her trunk with a quick swish and flick of her wand. "It's just that they assumed that that goes without saying."

XXX

"I'm lonely." Remus looked up from his book and sighed. For the past several hours, Sirius was sprawled on his bed, muttering those same words every so often, just in case Remus had somehow forgotten in the last five minutes.

"James will be back tomorrow, Padfoot," he said for perhaps the thousandth time. Sirius was unsurprisingly uncomforted by the comment.

"That's _twenty-four_ hours from now. That's a long time."

"You do realize you're capable of living without James, right? The two of you—despite what McGonagall says—aren't _actually_ joined at the hip."

"Perhaps not. But when he's not around, my hip feels lonely. And then _I_ feel lonely."

"Lily's his _girlfriend_ and she hasn't complained as much as you. Do you know what that says?"

"That she doesn't love him as much as I do?" Remus rolled his eyes.

"No. It's says she doesn't have the mentality of a five-year old." Sirius sat up, having the nerve to look offended.

"It's _boring_ without James. Frank and Peter are still with their 'families' and—"

"—how rude of them, really, spending Christmas with their families—"

"_and _you don't do much other than reading," Sirius continued, shooting Remus a glare. "Wit refuses to help me with any pranks, you keep _reading_, and I'm _bored_."

"I don't know why you say 'reading' as if it's some sort of foul word."

"Because it _is_ foul."

"_You're_ foul."

"Do either of you even know where this conversation is going?" Remus smiled immediately at Lily, but Sirius flopped back on down on his bed, shaking his head.

"This is the _boys' _dormitory, Wit."

"I'm actually aware of where I am, Sirius, but thank you for the clarification." Lily laughed at Sirius's big production of rolling his eyes while Remus gave her a questioning look.

"Was there something you wanted?"

"…No."

"Really?"

"…No?"

"Lily, c'mon."

"I was actually wondering if one of you would be willing to sneak into Hogsmeade with me." Sirius sat up, looking curious.

"Why do you need to go to Hogsmeade?"

"There's something I want to do."

"Well? What is it?"

"Sirius, don't pry. She doesn't have to tell us." Remus put his book away, and leaned forward, smiling slightly at Lily. She rolled her eyes.

"You said I don't have to tell you."

"Yeah, but you know I didn't mean it. What do you want from Hogsmeade?" Lily bit her lip and then smiled sheepishly.

"I want to buy quills?"

"Are you asking me?" Sirius snorted, shaking his head. Lily bit her lip again and sighed, looking resigned.

"I'm supposed to be meeting Marlene and William at the Three Broomsticks." Remus felt his eyebrows shoot up, and Sirius snorted again, far more amused than he should have been by her answer.

"I'll go with you," Remus said with a shrug, "but why didn't you want to tell us? It doesn't seem like it's worth hiding." Lily collapsed on James's bed, her shoulders slumping.

"It's not that I wanted to hide it," she began slowly, "it's that I'm technically _not_ supposed to be talking to them. Marlene said that she has to tell me something important, but the Order has forbidden it. So we have to be, well, sneaky."

"Sneaky?" Sirius repeated incredulously, his eyes wide. Lily blushed, but she nodded determinedly.

"Yes, sneaky. And who else better to be sneaky with than the Marauders?"

"I don't know how comfortable I feel with being called sneaky," Remus muttered under his breath, but he stood and grabbed his cloak. "We're going now, right?" She nodded gratefully, standing up as well, when Sirius yawned loudly and stretched.

"Well, excellent. I was looking for something to do."

"I only need one of you," Lily said hesitantly. Sirius shrugged.

"Well, you never know what could happen. What if you get lost? Or even worse, what if there's an opportunity for a prank, and I'm not there to take it?" He smiled brightly and grabbed his cloak as well. "Don't bother protesting, Wit. I'm going with you." Lily smiled, her blush fading away.

"I wasn't going to protest. I was going to say thank you."

"Yes, well, no time for that," Sirius said, clearly flustered by Lily's unexpected response. "We'd best be off. Don't want to keep Marlene and the tosser waiting."

"Will is not a tosser—"

"—c'mon Lily, the fact that you knew I was talking about him just _proves_—"

"—_nothing. _There wasn't anyone else you could have been talking about. So—"

"—stop? No, I won't. He's a tosser. It's in the Code."

Remus massaged his temples, suddenly realizing it was going to be a very _long_ trip to Hogsmeade.

XXX

She was glad Sirius and Remus flanked her, both of them sharing her reaction to Marlene's news, and both of them there to lend their strength.

For a weekday, the pub was relatively full, Madame Rosmerta practically gliding around, taking orders and levitating drinks to their respective tables. There were a few flimsy Christmas decorations hanging by the door, and an obviously drunk man in a thick cloak—sitting two tables away from theirs—was humming Celestina Warbeck's newest song.

"Are you going to say anything?" Marlene said quietly, looking at Lily nervously. Lily blinked, realizing she'd been silent for quite some time—even Sirius and Remus had gotten over their shock and were looking at her in concern.

"It doesn't matter. So Kate escaped Azkaban and is officially a Death Eater. It was obvious it would come to this since she was expelled." Marlene winced at her tone, but William gave her a disbelieving look.

"You're lying," he accused, shaking his head. "I hate to be the one to remind you, but it was bottling up your emotions that caused nearly all of your problems. Do you want a repeat for your sixth year?"

"Leave her _alone_," Sirius hissed, standing up so quickly that his chair toppled over noisily. The drunk man stopped humming, choosing to glare at the offending chair instead.

"You may be willing to baby her, but I won't. If she wants to join the Order, she needs to learn that lying is never okay." Lily could tell that Sirius was seconds away from pulling out his wand and shoving it up William's nose, so she grabbed him by his sleeve and pulled hard, straightening his chair with a wave of her own wand.

"I'm not lying," she said as she coaxed Sirius back into his chair. "And I'm not bottling up any emotions. Kate made her choice a long time ago, and I came to terms with it a long time ago." She gave William a humorless smile. "I'm not happy about this, but I'm certainly not going to dwell on it."

"That doesn't sound like you," Marlene said with a grin.

"I have enough to worry about. Kate is my friend, and she always will be, but there's nothing I can do right now." As Remus's back straightened, William's eyes narrowed. However, unlike Remus, William decided to speak up.

"Right now? You mean you want to do something about this later?"

"I want to be part of the Order, but in this case, Will, telling the truth _really_ isn't in my favor." William's eyes immediately softened and he exhaled, sounding like he'd been holding his breath for several minutes.

"We didn't tell you because we felt you're in any way responsible for your friend. We're telling you because someone who used to be your friend is a Death Eater now. And if Marlene or I—or anyone in the Order, for that matter—faces her, they'll treat her as a Death Eater and they _will_ dispose of her."

"So this is what? A warning?" Remus asked, looking rather disgusted. "I didn't realize that the Order was in the habit of 'disposing' its enemies." Marlene bit her lip and shook her head, like she very much wanted to be anywhere else.

"We're not. We don't," she said quickly. "Dumbledore doesn't allow it. But what Will is trying to say is…" she trailed off and looked at William beseechingly, clearly unwilling to explain.

"The reality is that this is a war. And there will be casualties. And some of those casualties may be our fault." He turned away from Remus and stared straight into Lily's eyes, as if hoping the eye contact would make her understand. "If something happens to your former friend, we don't want you to hold it against us." Lily felt her chin jut out, something cold settling into the pit of her stomach.

"You're wrong," she heard herself say. "Kate is _not_ my former friend, and I would very much hold it against you if something happened to her."

"You'd defend her after everything that happened? After she used an Unforgivable on one of your friends, was the reason so many were hurt?" He didn't expect her to nod. That much was clear from his wide eyes and gaping mouth. But apparently, Remus and Sirius didn't expect that response either. They were looking at her with poorly concealed horror.

"I'm not defending her. And I haven't forgiven her. But I won't condemn her either. She's made bad choices, but there's still a chance I can get my friend back." William was unimpressed by her answer.

"And if it turns out she's too far gone? That Marlene and Sean didn't make a mistake by leaving her with the Death Eaters after they found her, that she's like Snape and actually believes in what she's doing?" Each one of Remus's questions felt like a stab in the chest, but Lily didn't back down.

"Then I'll deal with it. But Marlene said it herself, they checked Kate's wand—she hadn't used any curses that night. And none of the recent attacks have involved her. This isn't like Severus." Though William and Marlene seemed resigned, clearly too weary to continue arguing, Sirius pulled his arm away, suddenly making her realize she'd never released his sleeve.

"I can't decide if I feel sorry for you, if I'm angry with you, or if I'm just disappointed," he said, his tone deliberately kept light, though it was obvious he was anything but. Remus winced and put a hand on her shoulder. While it was clearly meant to be comforting, it merely mad her angry, livid that they seemed to think she was wrong to refuse to abandon her friend—that she was wrong for caring.

"You know, Kate and Snape's choice had nothing to do with you. It's not your fault."

"I never said it was," she snapped, but deep in her heart she knew that there was no place for her in the Order. After all, she insisted on lying.

XXX

James didn't look different when he finally came back to Hogwarts, the day before term started. Somehow, she had expected he would. After her parents had died, there was something different about the way she looked in the mirror, or at least, she imagined there was something different about her. But James was exactly the same. His glasses still slipped down the bridge of his nose, his hair was still a mess, and his robes were as disheveled as ever. The only thing she could tell that _perhaps_ was different about him was the slight slump of his shoulders—the way he carried himself.

James used to stand tall and proud. Somehow, he now looked as if he'd been beaten one too many times.

He was gripping her hand tightly under the table, sneaking glances at her every so often. The moment he'd returned, he had filled her in on everything that had happened at his father's funeral, the days that followed—"It was ridiculous, Lil. All these old stodges that didn't even know my dad talked on and on about what a great pureblood he was and how he set a wonderful example. I hated every moment of it. And then there was all of the stuff in his Will to take care of."—and how his mother already missed her.

It was obvious he was heartbroken. No matter how many times he'd talked against his father, it had always been clear he loved the older man deeply. But Lily was comforted by the fact that though the light in his eyes were considerably dimmer, it hadn't completely gone out.

Lily had debated on whether or not to tell James about Kate, and in the end decided it wasn't worth hiding. Surprisingly, James hadn't reacted like Remus or Sirius. In fact, he hadn't reacted at all. At the time, Lily had been grateful, but now, she worried that even though he was gripping her hand as if he couldn't bear to let go, he too was torn between anger, pity, and disappointment.

"You can stop worrying, you know," he said, placing a soft kiss on her temple.

"What?"

"You get this crease right between your brows when you're worried, and you bite your lip incessantly. But you can relax." Sirius, Peter, and Frank were in the midst of a mashed potato war, and the cheers from the other Gryffindor students almost drowned out the rest of James's words—words that immediately made the crease between her brows fade away. "I'm on your side, no matter how you choose to act on the information Marlene and William gave you."

"Do you agree with them? That she's too far gone?" James looked at her seriously, and Lily realized he _was_ different from before. His shoulders slumped, but not because he'd been beaten one too many times. It was because he knew what it meant to carry the burden of loss.

"Do you?"

"No," she said resolutely, only partially reminding herself of that fact.

"I trust you, Lily. And I agree with you." He kissed her again, this time on the lips, and then gave her a small grin. "But be honest, how long have you been blaming yourself for what happened?" She didn't want to tell him the truth. She didn't want to admit everything she's been thinking aloud. Speaking it made it feel more real, but even worse, telling it to _James_ made her feel dirty. He had nearly died that day—_twice_. And both times had been her fault.

"Since it happened." Inexplicably, James smiled at those three words.

"Yeah, I thought so." She waited for further explanation, but James didn't seem inclined to give it to her.

"Well?" she prodded, causing him to let out a soft chuckle.

"It's just that…" He looked up, organizing his thoughts, and then turned back to her. "I couldn't care less about Kate, honestly. And I don't say that to hurt you, it's just the truth. But…" He paused, looking at his hands this time.

"But what?" Lily asked, when his pause seemed to go on for too long.

"I don't care about Kate, but I care about you. And you _do_ care about Kate. So how I feel about her doesn't matter. What I think doesn't matter. I trust _you_, and helping you with this means you don't have to carry around the guilt from that day anymore." Her surprise must have shown on her face, because he raised an eyebrow. "I'm not the same bloke that shunned you because you agreed with Dumbledore." Lily laughed, rolling her eyes.

"No, no you're not." She shrugged and helped herself to a portion of mashed potatoes. "He was better." This time, he didn't just grin, he let out a deep, rich laugh—one of the ones she hadn't heard since his father passed away—and though she knew eventually she'd have to deal with this Kate issue, for now she felt the tightness in her chest ease up a little.

_I'm so so so sorry for how very long this took. I won't make excuses because excuses are stupid. Thank you Kirsty for being an awesome person and for being so cool (and obviously for the edit). Also, I know a few people are worried—for good reason—that I've abandoned this story. I haven't. And I won't. I'll get it done, you know, eventually. Everyone who reads/reviews/actually likes this story and is willing to wait for the update is totally awesome. You guys are great. _


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